Gamingforce Interactive Forums
85233 35210

Go Back   Exploding Garrmondo Weiner Interactive Swiss Army Penis


Welcome to the Exploding Garrmondo Weiner Interactive Swiss Army Penis.
GFF is a community of gaming and music enthusiasts. We have a team of dedicated moderators, constant member-organized activities, and plenty of custom features, including our unique journal system. If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ or our GFWiki. You will have to register before you can post. Membership is completely free (and gets rid of the pesky advertisement unit underneath this message).

Gamingforce Choco Journal
Crash "Long-Winded Wrong Answer" Landon's Journal

Journal Banner

Crash "Long-Winded Wrong Answer" Landon's Journal Statistics
View Crash "Long-Winded Wrong Answer" Landon's profile
Entries 92 entries in total [view entry calendar]
Private 2 entries are private (2.17% of total)
Views 174298
Replies Crash "Long-Winded Wrong Answer" Landon has made 1744 comments [view stats]
Comments 1057 comments (11.49 avg) [view stats]
Total Props 281 props given to Crash "Long-Winded Wrong Answer" Landon [who be proppin?]
Buddies 0 buddies
Relation You are not Crash "Long-Winded Wrong Answer" Landon's buddy.
What's New 0 new entries since your last visit.

Create New Journal EntryView All Entries
Sep 24, 2008 - 08:27 PM
I Was Awakened From the Greatest Dream Ever

It's boring as hell here in the hospital so I took a nap to pass time.

As I've mentioned, I'm on a list for a lung transplant. The dream played into this. For some reason, it was decided that I'd need to have the procedure done in Hawaii. Of course, that's a long way from home, so I was placed in a hotel room to wait until that important call. It was an okay room, nothing spectacular.

My doctor complained to the surgical staff, the wait could be a while as it's dependent upon random misfortune elsewhere. I'd need a better room. The hospital responded with vigor.

I was given the most amazing hotel suite ever. I'm not kidding. The base rate for paying customers was $250,000 per night. It had four spacious floors. The upper three were mezzanined and all were connected by both staircase and a private elevator. Each floor had a balcony that overlooked the Pacific Ocean and had a spectacular view of the evening sunset. The ground floor of the hotel had a four-star restaurant and a twelve-screen IMAX theatre, each of which were available to me at no cost.

Because of the indefinite waiting period and the size of the suite, I was allowed to have twenty friends stay with me for support. There were enough bedrooms for each and they (the friends) were offered the same free amenities as I. Some of the people were GFFers, particularly those with whom I shared a house in Maine back in May. I won't say precisely whom so that people don't feel left out.
We explored every nook of that suite, revelling in the heady discovery of each awesome luxury. The first-floor swimming pool had a waterslide that began on the third floor and snaked its way down, and also a Vegas-style fountain in the middle, which periodically sprayed a thin column of water as far as the fourth floor. The kitchen was fully stocked with restaurant-grade equipment and a walk-in pantry and cooler stocked to the hilt.

I remember picking up a small handheld device, similar to a PSP. It was a portable gaming system that was loaded with the entire libraries from the NES, SNES, Genesis, TG-16, 3DO, Dreamcast and all incarnations of the Gameboy (dunno about Virtual Boy). It was complimentary, much like the mints on one's pillow. There was no penalty for keeping the system.

The excitement and the maritime air had done me a world of wonder and I was able to breathe deeper than I have in probably twenty years. I remember the sensation of drawing in a much fuller breath of air. It felt alien - not bad, just alien. But it gave me the energy to run around the place at top speed. I passed by people playing video games on the sofa, people sunning themselves on the balcony, folks working out in the private exercise room, etc. If you wanted to do it and it could feasibly fit into a luxury hotel suite, it was available. Even bowling.

I spontaneously developed telekinesis. Don't ask me how, it just happened. I was hovering two inches above the floor as I wandered about. It was not an unpleasurable experience.

Of particular interest - and this is why the dream is perhaps the greatest I've ever had - someone had found a stereo and its accompanying library of music. As I proceeded to move downstairs, I was struck by the familiarity of the tune.

It was a synth-metal remix of "Dave's Theme," from Maniac Mansion.

I've never heard any remix of that song, let alone a metal one. But it was goddamned immaculate. My brain came up with that shit. I'm stunned by this knowledge.

It was right at this moment that the nurse barged in and I was jerked back to furious reality. No hotel room, no cineplex, no party with friends, no Maniac Mansion remix.

In related news, today I was told that I'm at the top of the waiting list. The next set of AB+ lungs is mine. All I can do is wait and wish I had that Maniac Mansion song.

Give Props For This Entry (Quality Entry) [6] Edit this entry Delete this entry Comment on this entry (5 fleeps)
[Create Response Entry]
[public entry #10]

Sep 23, 2008 - 02:06 AM
ITE: Naked Dancing Mo0

I fucking warned you.

Give Props For This Entry (Quality Entry) Edit this entry Delete this entry Comment on this entry (11 fleeps)
[Create Response Entry]
[public entry #9]

Sep 21, 2008 - 01:22 PM
Slight Transplant Update
I spoke with my doctor this afternoon in an attempt to learn my relative position on the double-lung list. It's possible that I could be the only AB+ candidate and this knowledge is good to have.

He doesn't know for certain. The list is organized by severity; those in most urgent need receive the organs first. There are multiple criteria which determine this ranking. As of next Friday, new criteria are being added, specifically the presence of high carbon dioxide levels within the blood. I've had problems with that one.

As the chief surgeon told my doctor, if I'm not transplanted by next Friday, the new organization will increase my odds.

...if I'm not transplanted by next Friday.

My doctor cannot confirm anything but the implication from the transplant specialist is that the operation could very well happen sometime this week. As he told me this, a shiver ran down my spine. It changes nothing but it does bring the prospect that much closer, makes it seem far more real. I was hoping to get all my ducks in a row before undergoing the operation. I may not have the opportunity.

We shall see, won't we?

Give Props For This Entry (Quality Entry) Edit this entry Delete this entry Comment on this entry (16 fleeps)
[Create Response Entry]
[public entry #8]

Sep 20, 2008 - 05:21 PM
This Is Where Things Get Serious. Seriously.
I've been in the hospital, again, for the past two weeks. I didn't make much fuss about it because I know that some folks are wont to send gifts and such. That's all very appreciated but it's normal for me to endure several of these hospitalizations a year. Last year, there was a generous show of support - it was definitely what I needed at the time - but to continue playing the victim would be a shameless and materialistic grab at free loot and sympathies.

It's no large secret that I have Cystic Fibrosis. If you're not familiar with the illness, I won't explain it here in detail. You have Google, look it up. The end story, however, is that my lungs have slowly become pretty useless. I'm only able to use approximately 22% of the total volume. I also deal with painful adema and sleep apnea as side effects.

Back in January, I travelled to Pittsburgh to visit a team of specialists. After a week of tests, they decided that I qualify and am a good candidate for a double-lung transplant. However, once transplanted, the patient must negotiate tricky rejection issues. It's foolish to jump the gun and transplant before a person truly requires the procedure. I was placed in "observation" status, then sent home.

No longer. The medications require larger doses to have an effect, and I've built resistances to several. The side effects of illness are becoming more than mere annoyances. When it was learned that the carbon dioxide levels in my blood are much higher than normal, the decision was made. I'm officially on the waiting list for a double-lung transplant.

I've known this was coming, I began thinking about it a decade ago. I've long since resolved myself to the ordeal. Right now I'm filled with a curious cocktail of excitement and terror. Fact: I am volunteering to have my own lungs torn from my body. There's a very real possibility that I will not awaken. There is also a very real possibility that I'll experience newfound levels of health and stamina unlike anything I've known. The latter is worth risking the former.

The obvious question now is when will the transplant happen? That, I don't know. I can't know. It relies entirely upon something bad happening to another person. Such things are unpredictable. My job is to be ready.

What I do know is that I have very little competition, if any. Transplant waiting lists are sorted by blood type, and mine is AB+. That's rather rare and there aren't many people with my type seeking new lungs. There's a very strong possibility that I'm the only person on that particular list. Of course, this goes both ways; lungs from an AB+ donor are much rarer than those from common blood types like O. Nevertheless, they do show up. It's just that the rate of availability is nearly impossible to predict due to the rarity. I could get the call as early as tomorrow afternoon or it could be months.

I am now faced with the proposition of how to handle my employment. I may not be in the best condition to continue working. Many of my monthly debts - auto loan, dental, credit card, medical bills - can be indefinitely deferred under the pretense that I'd be too sick to earn a living. Many institutions won't argue against a person who needs new organs. Bad, bad press, right there. I'd go on full Social Security and pick up Medicaid. The upside is that Medicaid covers nearly all transplant expenses.
I'm allowed to continue working if I truly wish. I may, though I wonder if the management will strongly encourage me to quit once they learn that I'm active on a transplant list. I don't accuse them of being concerned for my well-being. No, it seems like something they'd do to avoid having to pay for several months of disability.

But today marks the beginning of an interesting new chapter in my life. The foreshadowing is omplete and now we're just building toward suspense. I will arrange for a way to keep GFF notified when the event does take place. I'll probably have Merv create a thread and keep it updated.

In related news, this probably means I'll have to pass on the 2009 Meet. As much as I'd love to go again, I can't guarantee that I'll be in good enough health. Maybe I'll feel like a million dollars by then. But there's no way to know and in the meantime, I should probably dedicate my resources to the far more important task at hand.

So yeah, interesting day I've had.

I'm totally gonna bring my harmonica.

Give Props For This Entry (Quality Entry) [5] Edit this entry Delete this entry Comment on this entry (20 fleeps)
[Create Response Entry]
[public entry #7]

Sep 11, 2008 - 03:39 PM
Come Back, Awesome Spider.
The afternoon sun casts quite a radiant glow against the roll-down window blind here. In the yellow light, I observed the magnified silhouette of a spider. Being one who knows his spiders, I was intrigued; the shadow was far more exotic than the typical house-and-garden spider. Long, defined legs and a slender abdomen are signs of a curious specimen indeed. I could not tell if the little fellow was inside my room or beyond the glass so I tugged the cord to raise the blinds. In my eagerness, I spooked the spider and he swiftly scuttled out of my sight. It has been thirty minutes and I've not been graced by its return.

Some cultures believe that a spider brings luck and blessings unto a home. I like that idea. It's been a slow day and I no longer suffer the arachnophobia of my childhood. I only wished to study and marvel at its form. I could use the pleasurable company of a dedicated hunter, honestly.

EDIT: My spider buddy chose to return and I am thrilled. I was misled by the silhouette's angle; the abdomen is quite round and not slender at all. He is the color of iceberg lettuce and has several markings about his abdomen. My research leads me to believe he's an Araneus Cingulatus, an orb weaver. Here is a picture of his kind:

He has only dangled by a single thread so far, teasing me with his presence. He is outside, so I can be confident he will find succor. If he remains, I shall award him a name.

Give Props For This Entry (Quality Entry) [6] Edit this entry Delete this entry Comment on this entry (6 fleeps)
[Create Response Entry]
[public entry #6]

Sep 5, 2008 - 06:40 PM
Complete Sniglet Compendium Pt. 1
Sniglet (snig' lit): Any word that doesn't appear in the dictionary, but should.

In the 1980s, C-list comedian, Rich Hall, co-conceived a literary masterstroke: a collection of ersatz words created by the common man, used to describe all-too-common items, actions and phenomena - concepts that, by all means, should have a word attached yet inexplicably didn't. Thus, the "sniglet" was born to mild pop culture success, and equal ignominy. Language nerds embraced the form; everyone else arched a single eyebrow and went back to their Duran Duran albums.

However, this Journal could not stake its claim as the "word kingdom" without containing something so ridiculous and pompous as a collection of Sniglets, so I've taken the liberty of acquiring the original books and am transcribing their contents here for the enjoyment (and bewilderment) of all who give half a damn about language.

Note: As these were written between 1984 and 1989, some Sniglets may contain one or more outmoded references. If you don't understand a particular entry, don't blame me. Blame your parents for not fucking soon enough.

ABANDABAG - (uh ban’ duh bayg): n. The lone suitcase that keeps circulating the airport luggage carousel.

ABZOT - (ab’ zoht) n. The device in a currency changer that determines whether a bill is too wrinkled or not.

ACCELOYELLOS - (a sel' oh yel' oz): n. People who enthusiastically speed through yellow traffic lights. (See also: INDYSECOND.)

ACCIDUE - (aks’ ih dew): n. The small pile of broken glass, chrome and other debris that remains at the scene of an accident several weeks after an accident.

ACCOMOMAMMADATION - (ah kom’ oh mam uh day shun): n. The inconspicuous manner in which a woman adjusts a fallen bra strap.

ACCORDIONATED - (ah kor’ dee un ay tid): adj. Being able to simultaneously drive a car and refold a road map.

ADAM 69 - (ad' um siks tee nyn'): n. Two cop cars, parked in opposing directions, exchanging information.

ADHOKUM - (ad’ hoh kum): n. The overt implication, in commercials, that just because the actor is wearing a white lab coat, he must be an expert.

AEROBICROACHER - (ayr oh' bi kroch ur): n. A person who gravitates toward another's space while exercising.

AEROMA - ayr oh’ mah): n. The odor emanating from an exercise room after an aerobics workout.

AEROPALMICS - ayr oh palm’ iks): n. The study of wind resistance conducted by holding a cupped hand out the car window.

AETS - (ehtz): n. Unintelligible symbols on water fountain handles.

AGE OF CLAUSABILITY - (ayj' uv klaw' za bil' ih tee): n. The age at which we stop believing in Santa Claus.

AGONOSIS - (ayg oh noh’ sis): n. The syndrome of turning into “Wide World of Sports” every Saturday just to watch the skier rack himself. (Outmoded sniglet)

AIR LASER - (ayr' lay zur): n. The stream of high-velocity air above your airplane seat that can be adjusted to: a) sting your face, b) sting your ear, c) sting your hair

AIRDIRT - (ayr’ durt): n. A hanging plant that’s been ignored for three weeks or more.

AIRCAPPED - (ayr' capt): v. To be temporarily crippled when the airplane passenger in front of you drives his seat back into your knees.

AIREPT - (ayr’ ept): n. The tendency to wipe out an entire shelf of souvenirs with one’s luggage in an airport gift shop..

AIRPLAUSE - (ayr plawz'): n. Gratuitous ovation awarded a pilot upon completion of a safe landing.

AIRPUNT - (ayr' punt): n. Any series of kicks that advances one's luggage toward the airport counter.

AIRSUPIAL - (ayr soop’ ee ayl): n. The pouch in front of you, on an airplane, that holds the airsickness bag and in-flight magazine.

ALFALFABET - (al fal' fuh bet): n. Backwards letters used only on clubhouse doors.

ALFRED HITCHCOOKING - (al' fred hich' cooh king): v. Continuously stabbing at a block of frozen vegetables to make them cook faster.

ALPHAFLUB - (ayl’ fuh flub): n. Any mismatched letter(s) on a movie marquee that has comedic consequences (i.e., Fetal Attraction, Running Sacred).

ALPOGOALIE - (al poh goh' lee): n. Any dog smart enough to use its paw to pin down a dog dish.

ALPOLECTIC FIT - (ayl’ po lek tik fiht’): n. Convulsive state of a dog upon seeing its master arrive home in the afternoon.

ALPONIUM - (al poh’ nee um): n. The initial blast of odor upon opening a can of dog food.

ALTEATRAZ - (ayl tee’ traz): n. The small leaves that manage to escape from tea bags into the liquid.

ALTIPULP - (al' tih pawlp): n. Any periodical found within an airplane (Skymall, Ultra Triathlete, Greek Pottery Monthly, etc.) that holds the interest of absolutely no one on board.

AMAZINGRAZIN - (uh may' zin gray zin): n. The ability to cut a piece of cake with a little plastic fork on a flimsy paper plate while simultaneously holding a large beverage, a cute little napkin and a cup of mixed nuts.

AMBIPORTALOUS - (am bih port’ ahl us): adj. Possessing the uncanny knack for approaching a set of double doors and always pushing the locked one.

ANACEPTION - (an uh sep’ shun): n. The body’s ability to actually affect television reception by moving about the room.

ANANANANY - (an a na' na nee): n. The inability to stop spelling the word "banana" once you've started.

ANAFONDICS - (an a fon' diks): n. Exercising to a workout album at 16 RPM. (Outmoded sniglet)

ANCHORITY - (an chor’ ih tee): n. A group’s final, hard-fought decision on what toppings to order on a pizza.

ANTALIXIC - (ant uh lik’ sik): n. One who passes over all the licorice jellybeans in the bag.

ANTICIPARCELLATE - (an tih sih par’ sel ayt): v. To wait until the mailman is several houses down the street before picking up the mail, so as not to appear too anxious.

APPLAFLAMMAPHOBIA - (ap la flam uh fo' bee uh): n. The fear that upon departing for vacation, you've left an appliance on that will burn the house to the ground.

AQUACOUSTICS - (ak wa koo' stiks): n. Sound waves in the bathroom that enable anyone to sing on key.

AQUADEXTROUS - (ak wah deks’ trus): adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucets on and off with one’s toes.

AQUALIBRIUM - ak wah lib’ ree um): n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck at the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

AQUELLO - (ah kwel’ oh): n. The intense shade of yellow that is used to distinguish all waterproof materials.

ARACHNIDIOT - (ar ak ni’ dee uht): n. A person, who, having wandered into an “invisible” spider web begins gyrating and flailing about wildly.

A.R.G. (AUDIO RETINAL GYRATION) - (ay ar jee): v. To move one’s head in a circular fashion while attempting to read a rotating record label.

ARROWNEOUS - (ayr oh' nee yus): adj. The quality of anyone who flagrantly drives against the arrows in a parking lot.

ASHTRACTION - (ash trak’ shun): n. The point at which you stop paying attention to what a person is saying and start wondering just how long the ash at the end of his cigarette is going to grow before it falls into his lap.

ASPERBAYERPERPAIRPERFECTION - (as pur bayr' pur payr' pur fek' shun): n. The ability to always extract exactly two headache tablets from the bottle.

ASPITRON - (ass' pih tron): n. The tiny "brain" in an aspirin that tells it exactly to which part of the afflicted body it must go.

ASTEREXASPER - (as tuhr eggs as' pur): n. Any asterisk without a corresponding footnote.

ATTRINYL - (a try’ nil): n. A black, bulletproof, totally inflexible type of plastic, used primarily in the manufacture of pay phone directory covers..

AUDIOSIS - (awd ee oh' sis): v. Hearing a sound you don't notice until the sound stops, e.g., the furnace or refrigerator shutting off*.

AULDLANXIETY - (old lang zi' et tee): n. Experience of waking up on New Year's Day and wondering how much of a fool you made of yourself the previous night.

AWSLICE - (aww' slice): n. The first slice of a wedding cake, the one which ruins the design and causes everyone to sigh.

AZUGOS - (as' you goes): n. Items placed upon a step or banister to be carried upstairs by the next ascending person.

B+ STAMPEDE - (bee’ plus stam peed’): n. The attempt by half the classroom to claim the paper with no name on it.

BABO RECLOSO - (bay’ boh ree kloh’ soh): n. The futile attempt to reseal a can of powdered bathroom cleanser.

BABYBUFFERS - (bay' bee buf furz): n. People who hang "Baby on Board" signs in their car windows, as if the rest of us are driving around thinking "You know, I'd like to plow into that car but I don't want to hurt the baby."

BACHSLAPPER - (bahk’ slap ur): n. Anyone who applauds the wrong part of a classical music concert.

BACKSPACKLE - (bak’ spak uhl): n. The markings on the back of one’s shirt as a result of riding a fenderless bicycle.

BACKSPUBBLE - (bak’ spuh buhl): n. Dishwater that disappears down one drain of a double-sink and comes up the other.

BALDAGE - (bald’ ij): n. The accumulation of hair in the drain after showering.

BANDILE - (ban’ dyl): n. The thin red strip one pulls to release a Band-Aid from its wrapper.

BANECTOMY - (bah nek’ toh mee): n. The delicate removal of bruises on a banana.

BAR-B-COUP - (bar' bee koo): n. When your uncle or any other obnoxious relative commandeers the outdoor barbecue grill against your wishes.

BARCATHROTTLE - (bar kuh thrah’ tuhl): n. The wooden lever at the side of a recliner that acts like a gearshift.

BARF UNITS - (barf yew’ nitz): n. The number of groups of people you count off in the line ahead of you at an amusement park ride, trying to determine how long before it’s your turn.

BARFIUM - (bar' fee um): n. The horrible smelling cleanser used to mop down school corridors.

BARGARCS - (bar’ jarks): n. The streaks on car’s windshield from faulty wipers.

BARGUS - (bar’ jus): n. The area on the windshield that the wipers can’t reach.

BACKIN-MYDAY ACT OF 1901 - (bak' in my' day akt uv nein' teen oh wun'): n. Law created in the early part of the twentieth century which made it mandatory to build schools at least 20 miles away from all future grandfathers.

BALLYBUSTER - (bal' lee bus tur): n. A pinball machine with one dead flipper.

BARBALYSIS - (bar ba' lih sis): n. Condition that arises from having to keep your head motionless while getting a haircut.

BARCUUMING - (bar' ku ming): v. Using the family dog to remove the crumbs that have fallen to the floor.

BATHBURP - (bath’ burp): n. The eerie tendency of a bathtub stop to loudly release itself a few minutes after you’ve turned off the shower.

BATHQUAKE - (bath’ kwayk): n. The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the faucet is turned to a certain point.

BAZOOKACIDAL TENDENCIES - (bah zew’ kuh sy duhl ten’ den seez): n. The overwhelming desire within most individuals to lunge forth and pop the gigantic bum bubble billowing from someone’s mouth.

BEAVO - (bee’ voh): n. A pencil with teeth marks all over it.

BEDWINDS - (bed' windz): n. Those mysterious drafts that always prevent a bedsheet from drifting perfectly onto the mattress.

BELL NUTWORK - (bel nut’ werk): n. The system of squirrel transportation provided by telephone lines.

BEVAMETER - (bev’ uh meet uhr): n. (a unit of measure) The distance a coaster, still attached to the bottom of a wet glass, will travel before it falls back to earth.

BEVAMIRAGE - (bev' uh muh rahj): n. The deceiving black ring around the bottom of a two-liter soda bottle. (Outmoded sniglet)

BIBBLAGE - (bib' lij): n. The angle of one's body while scanning a library shelf.

BICOMA - (bih koh' muh): n. The nonfunctioning pen you return to the pen caddy thinking somehow it will come back to life at a later date.

BILBOUS - (bil buhs): n. The one person on every trip that feels compelled to read every passing billboard aloud.

BIMBIO - (bim by’ oh): n. The fictional data on the back of a Playboy centerfold.

BIMP - (bimp): n. A blurry or “double-edged” felt-tip marker.

BINGOBABBLE - (bing' goh bab bull): n. The increase in vocal activity that occurs when dozens of people are only one number away from reaching Bingo.

BINGOOPS - (bing’ ewpz): n. People who prematurely yell “Bingo”, then try to make the mistake.

BIRDMANTRAS - (burd’ man trahz): n. The point at which repetitive bird chirps begin to sound like human phrases (e.g., “No sleep for you. No sleep for you. No sleep. . .”).

BIXPLEX - (biks’ pleks): n. Psychological block in which a person cannot choose which color of disposable lighter to purchase.

BIZOOS - (bih zews’): n. The millions of tiny, individual bumps that comprise the exterior of a basketball.

BLEEMUS - (blee’ mus): n. The disgusting film on top of soups and cocoa that sit out too long.

BLIBULA - (blib’ byuh luh): n. The spot on a dog’s stomach which, when rubbed, causes his leg to rotate wildly.

BLIMPLIMENTS - (blimp’ lih mentz): n. The toppings at a low-calorie yogurt parlor that effectively cancel out the whole reason for eating yogurt in the first place.

BLINDELIZE - (blin’ dul eyez): v. To scratch an album beyond recognition while trying to maneuver it over the record spindle.

BLISTERPEG - (blys' tur peg): n. The irritating part of a flip-flop sandal that holds your foot in place.

BLITHWAPPING - (blith’ wap ping): v. Using any item except a hammer to force a nail into the wall (i.e., shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.).

BLIVETT - (blih’ vit): v. To turn one’s pillow over and over, looking for the cool spot.

BLIX - (blikz): n. The moving part on the inside of an ice cream scooper that carves and ejects a single scoop.

BLOBIAGE - (bloh' bee ij): n. The propaganda sticker on electric hands-dryers that attempts to convince you they're preferrable to paper towels.

BLOG - (blahg): n. Overly generous deposits of fish food floating at the top of an aquarium.

BLOOAGE - (blew’ ij’): n. The residue left on fingers after using an S.O.S. pad.

BLOSSOR - (blos' er): n. The unique "winged" hairstyle achieved after wearing a baseball cap for several hours.

BLOTCH - (blahch): v. To slap the bottom of a ketchup bottle with increasing intensity. (See also: BLOTCHSLIDE.)

BLOTCHSLIDE - (blahch’ slyd): n. A sudden deluge of ketchup that flows forth from smacking the bottom of the bottle too hard, too many times. (See also: BLOTCH.)

BLURFLE - (bler’ fuhl): v. To be caught talking at the top of one’s lungs when the music at the bar or club suddenly stops.

BOBAROMA - (bahb’ ah roh mah): n. The pungent odor that remains in the air after using aerosol hair spray.

BOBBLOGESTURE - (bah bloh jes’ chur): n. The classroom practice of not knowing the answer but raising one’s hand anyway (after determining a sufficient number of other people have also raised their hands, thus reducing the likelihood of actually being called upon).

BOGUSH - (boh’ gush): v. To obligatorily spout phrases like “I’ll call you soon” at the end of a date because you can’t think of anything else to say.

BOMB BIN - (bom' bin): n. The plastic tub at airport security counters where you deposit your personal effects before passing through. (NOTE: HEY KIDS! DON'T USE THIS WORD AT THE AIRPORT!)

BOMCA - (bahm’ kuh): n. A lubricant derived from the salivary gland used for turning book pages.

BOOPCHATTER - (bewp’ chat uhr): n. The series of high-pitched beeps that you hear at the beginning and end of prerecorded cassette tapes.

BOSLUM - (bahz’ lum): n. The small metal ring on a ballpoint pen that seperates the top half from the bottom half.

BOVILEXIA - (boh vih leks’ ee yuh): n. The uncontrollable urge to lean out the car window and yell “Moo!” every time you pass a cow.

BOWFFANT - (bau font'): n. The pastime of turning your dog's ears inside out and folding them across his head, even though the dog seldom appreciates the levity of the situation.

BOWLIKINETICS - (boh lih kih neh’ tiks): n. The act of trying to control a released bowling ball by twisting one’s body in the direction one wants the ball to travel.

BOXSQUATTERS - (bahks’ skwah turz): n. Baseball fans who wait until the third or fourth inning and then sneak down to better seats.

BRATTLED - (brat’ uhld): adj. The unsettling feeling, at a stoplight, that the busload of kids that just pulled up beside you is making fun of you.

BRAZEL - (brah’ zul): n. The scratch plate on a matchbook.

BRIMPLET - (brim’ plit): A frayed shoelace that must be moistened before successfully passing through an eyelet.

BROOP - (broop): n. The useless pocket on a pajama top.

BUBBLEWEISER - (buh bel why’ zur): n. The yellow liquid found in a carpenter’s level.

BUBBLIC - (buh’ blik): adj. Addicted to the systematic popping of the bubbles in packing material.

BUCKLINT - (buk’ lint): n. The fine red and blue threads running through dollar bills.

BUCKSTACY - (buk' stah see): n. The joy of finding forgotten money in a coat or pants pocket.

BUCULETS - (buk’ yoo lets): n. The bumper guards on the underside of a toilet seat.

BUGPEDAL - (bug’ ped uhl): v. To accelerate or decelerate rapidly in an attempt to remove a clinging insect from a car’s windshield.

BULLSHIDARTIST - (bul' shih dart ist): n. A person who positions his darts directly into the bullseye at the end of a game so that the next person entering the room will think he's a dart wizard.

BULLSLOTS - (bul' slotz): n. Post office mail slots marked "In Town", "Out of Town", etc., which everyone knows empty into the same bin anyhow.

BUMPERGLINTS - bump’ ur glitntz): n. The small reflective obstacles in the middle of interstate highways which supposedly keep drivers awake and on the track.

BUNIONETTE - (bun’ yun et): n. Any young professional woman in business attire and Reebok sneakers.

BURBULATION - (bur byoo lay’ shun): n. The obsessive act of opening and closing the refrigerator door in an attempt to catch it before the little automatic light comes on.

BURGACIDE - (burg’ uh syd): n. When a hamburger cannot endure any more torture and hurls itself through the grill onto the coals.

BURGATORY - (ber' ga tawr ee): n. The place where unsold burgers go when the stand shuts down for the night.

BURSPLOOT - (bur’ sploot): v. To position one’s thumb at the end of a garden hose to increase the water pressure.

BUSBLENDER - (bus’ blen dur): n. The device at the front of the bus that tosses your fare around for a while, then swallows it.

BUTTBLOTTING FLUID - (but' blot ing floo' id): n. The mysterious blue liquid they pour onto diapers in diaper commercials to demonstrate their absorbency.

BUTTHENGE - (but’ henj): n. A pile of cigarette butts occupying a parking space.

BUTTNICK - (but’ nik): n. The crevice on an ashtray where the cigarette rests.

BUTTRAS - (but' ruhs): n. Those small buttons in a plastic bag that accompany finer clothing.

BUYZANTINE - (by' zan teen): adj. Architectural style, prevalent in museums and amusement parks, designed so that guests can only exit via the gift shop.

BUZZACKS - (buz’ aks): n. People in department stores who walk around picking up display telephones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

CABNICREEP - (kab’ nih kreep): n. The structural condition in which the closing of one kitchen cabinet causes another to open.

CAFFIDGET - (ka fij’ it): v. To break a Styrofoam coffee cup into several hundred pieces after consuming its contents.

CALTITUDE - (kal’ tih tewd): n. The height to which a cat’s rear end can rise to meet the hand stroking it.

CANAFLATIONARY ZONE - (kan uh flay' shun ayr ee zohn): n. The area on the back or spine of a book or magazine that reveals the price, making you glad you're an American. (U.S. $4.95/CAN $6.95)

CANTWITIONIST - (kan twi' shun ist): n. A person who manually "rushes" the lid on an electric can opener.

CAREENA - (ka ree’ nuh): n. Any mangled or missing piece of highway guardrail.

CARJONES - (kar’ hoh’ nez): n. The incredible bravery one possesses for as long as you are inside your car.

CARPERIMETER - (kar pur ihm’ ih tur): n. The zone between the wall and the end of the vacuum cleaner where dirt is “safe.”

CARPERPETUATION - kar’ pur pet yoo ay shun): The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

CARPILLARY ACTION - (kar' pih ler ee ak' shun): n. Property that enables water to move up a windshield while the vehicle is in motion.

CARSNIGLEGENS - (kar snig' luh jenz): n. Things that cause cancer but have yet to be revealed so by science.

CARTERNITY - (kar tur’ nih tee): n. The law that states that characters in a comic strip will remain the same age forever.

CARTHRITIS - (karth ry’ tis): n. The pathetic struggle of an old power window to make that last inch upward.

CARTIPILLAR - (kar' tih pih lur): n. A line of cars waiting to get onto the freeway at rush hour.

CATATOMIC DROP - (kat' uh tom ik drop): n. "Factory testing" of a cat to assure oneself that the "always lands on its feet" principle still holds true.

CATLAPSE - (kat’ laps): n. The amount of time a cat sleeping on his owner’s lap has to awake and prepare to hit the floor before the owner stands up.

CATPLAST - (kat’ plast): n. The built-in element that allows a cat to occasionally stretch himself to astounding lengths.

CATTARACT - (kat’ ar akt): n. Any fat Garfield cat attached to a car window that partially obstructs a driver’s vision.

CELLOSTATIC - (sel oh stat’ ik): adj. The electrical property of cracker and cigarette wrappers that causes them to stick to your hand.

CENTSTRESS - (sent’ stres): n. Anxiety felt during the mad scramble for loose change when the cashier says, “Do you have a penny?”

CEREOALLOCATIVE - (seer ee oh ayl’ oh kay tiv): adj. Describes the ability of a seasoned breakfast eater to establish a perfect cereal-to-banana ration, assuring that there will be at least one slice of banana left for the final spoonful of cereal.

CHAIN GANG WALK - (chayn gayng wawk): n. Activity observed in the footwear section of cheap department stores where the shoes are wired together “for your convenience.”

CHALKTRAUMA - (chawk’ traw muh): n. The body’s reaction to someone running his fingernails down a chalkboard.

CHARCOPHILE - (char koh fyl): n. A masochist who loves burnt food.

CHARP - (charp): n. The green, mutant potato chip found in every bag.

CHECKUARY - (chek’ yew ayr ee): n. The thirteenth month of the year which begins on New Year’s Day and ends when a person stops absent-mindedly writing the old year on his checks.

CHEDDARBLISTER - (ched' ur blihs tur): n. The bubble formed when making a grilled cheese sandwich.

CHEEDLE - (chee’ dul): n. The residue left on one’s fingertips after consuming a bag of Cheetos.

CHEERIOMAGNETIZATION - (cheer ee oh mayg neh ty zay’ shun): n. The tendency of the last four or five Cheerios in the bowl to cling together for survival.

CHERK - (churk): n. The person in the express lane at the grocery store who writes a check for two items.

CHICLEXODUS - (chik uhl eks’ oh dus): n. Any attempt by a gum ball to sneak out of the chute and roll past the buyer.

CHINDEPENDENTS - (chin’ dee pen dentz): n. The few hairs that always remain after shaving that aren’t noticed until several hours later.

CHINGRIP - (chin’ grip): n. The area where the chin meets the neck, used for holding the pillow as one slips the pillowcase on.

CHIPFAULT - (chip’ fawlt): n. The stress point on a potato chip where it breaks off and stays behind in the dip.

CHIPLINGER - (chip’ ling ur): n. The bits of raw vegetable and broken snacks that blend into a dip during a large party.

CHOCONIVEROUS - (chawk oh niv’ ur us): adj. The sadistic tendency, when eating a chocolate Easter bunny, to bite off the head first.

CHOCOZIPPER - (chok' oh zip ur): n. The paper tab that releases a Hershey's Kiss.

CHOCTASY -(chok' ta see): n. The joy of discovering a second layer of chocolates underneath the first.

CHRONESIA - (kron ee' zyuh): n. The tendency not to know the time when asked, even though you just checked your watch.

CHUBBLE - (chuh’ buhl): n. The aerobic movement combining deep-knee bends and sideward hops used when trying to fit into panty hose.

CHUFF - (chuhf): n. The line of grease you always find on your right trouser leg when demounting a bicycle.

CHWADS - (chwadz): n. The small disgusting wads of chewed gum commonly found beneath table and counter tops.

CIGADENT - (sig’ uh dent): n. Any accident involving a cigarette: for instance, when it sticks to your lips while your fingers slide off and get burned.

CINEDRAFT - (sin' uh draft): n. The mysterious rush of air that sucks your money into the tickey window at the movie theatre.

CINEMUCK - (sih’ neh muk): n. The combination of popcorn, soda and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theatres.

CINEMUTATION - (sin uh mew tay' shun): n. The liberal change in the storyline that occurs whenever a book is made into a movie.

CINEPEDS - (sin’ ih pedz): n. The feet that mysteriously appear over your shoulders when you’re trying to watch a movie.

CINEPLEGIC - (sih neh plee' jik): n. A person whose foot or leg has temporarily lost circulation from being wedged between theatre seats.

CINESLOUCH - (sih' nuh slowch): n. The defensive position one adopts preparatory to a shock scene in a horror movie.

CINETRAP - (sih' nuh trap): n. The inability to leave a movie theatre because your date insists upon watching the credits.

CINETWERP - (sin’ ih twurp): n. Any cinema employee who has the nerve to ask you for exact change because the tickets have been jacked up to $9.50.

CIRCLOCRYOGENIC THEORY - (sur kloh kry oh jen’ ik the’ oh ree): n. The hypothesis which states that no matter which way you turn a glass of ice water, the cubes will move to the back. (Further research has established that one piece of ice will always stick to the bottom of an empty glass until tapped, at which point it will come forward and smack the drinker on the end of the nose.)

CIRCULOIN TECHNIQUE - (sur’ kyu loyn tek neek’): n. The popular method of consuming steak in which one eats around the edges first, then works his way toward the middle

CIRCUMPOPULATE - (sur kum pahp’ yew layt): n. To finish off a popsicle “laterally” because the “frontal” approach causes one to gag..

CIRCUMVACULATE - (sur kum vak' yew layt): v. To remain stationary while vacuuming in a circle around oneself.

CLINGUINI - (kling gwee' nee): n. The one strand of pasta that remains stuck to the bottom of the pan as you're emptying it into the colander.

CLOBBERISM - (klahb’ ur iz uhm): n. Strange array of verbs used by sportscasters to explain the outcome of a game (e.g., “Lakers drowned the Nets, Bears clawed the Vikings”).

CLUMFERT - (klum’ furt): n. The invisible “extra step” at the top and bottom of a staircase that typically materializes when one is carrying a large bag of groceries or laundry basket.

COASTERNETS - (koh stur netz'): n. The ratchety sound heard during the initial ascent of a roller coaster before it crests and hysteria ensues.

COAXIOMS - (koh aks’ ee umz): n. When shopping for stereo equipment, the incoherent techno-jargon salesmen use (e.g., “dynamic audio range,” “frequency modulation”) that you nod along with and pretend to understand.

COEGGULANT - (koh eg’ yoo lent): n. The white things in a plate of scrambled eggs.

COINOPHONY - (koy' nah foh nee): n. Annoying pocket concerts conducted by people who like to jingle keys and change, often accompanied by a rocking motion.

COMBILOOPS - (kahm’ bih lewpz): n. The two or three unsuccessful passes before finally opening a combination lock.

COMEONDOWNS - (kum on downz'): n. Depression resulting from knowing all the answers to a game show while confined in your living room.

COMIMORPHISM - (koh mih morf’ ih zum): n. The act of cutting out comic strips and assigning real life names to the characters.

COMMON DENUMBINATOR - (kaw’ mun dih num’ ih nay tur): n. The point in a first date at which you realize that you have nothing in common with the person you’re seeing, and you begin plotting how to get out of it.

COMPIZZABLE - (kom peet’ zuh bul): adj. The capacity of a group of diners to actually agree upon toppings for a pizza (“Okay, no olives, but we’ve got to have mushrooms”).

CONAGRAPHS - (kohn’ ah grafs): n. The raised relief squares on an ice cream cone.

CONISMA - (kohn iz’ muh): n. The tendency of American drivers to obey and follow traffic cones, no matter where they lead.

CONSPICUSLAT - (kon spik yew’ slat): n. A strip in a set of venetian blinds that has a different slant than the others.

CONTINENTATOR - (kon’ tih nent ay tur): n. The guy at the map making company who gets to decide what color each state should be.

CORNICLE - (kor’ nih kuhl): n. The breaded “washer” left on the stick after eating a corndog.

CORNISECTION - (kor' nih sek shun): n. The systematic consumption of candy corn by sections, first biting off the white zone, then orange zone, then the yellow zone.

CORPUS NEGLECTI - (kor pus nuh glek' ty): n. The transformation of a former high-school athlete into a beer-bellied, middle-aged man.

COUNTERSAURUS - (kown tur sawr’ us): n. Any person who orders two slices of cheesecake and a Diet Coke.

COVERLICIOUS - (kuh vur lish' us): n. The warm feeling of waking up on a cold morning and discovering you have another 20 minutes to sleep.

THE CRANIAL STOMP - (the kray’ nee uhl stahmp): n. A somewhat primitive dance performed by youngsters trying to step on the heads of their own shadows.

CRAVAMETER - (kra' va mit tur): n. 3.72 inches, the proper distance between the ends of a tied necktie.

CRAYOLLIA - (kray oh’ lee yuh): n. The area on the refrigerator where kindergarten drawings are displayed.

CREDIDIOTS - (kred id’ ee utz): n. People who linger during the credits of a movie, as if they are going to recognize someone (“Look, honey, Ed Kremetski was the key grip”).

CREEDLES - (kree’ dulz): n. The colony of microscopic indentations on a golf ball.

CRETINGER - (kret' in jur): n. The toll-free number printed on credit cards that you're instructed to call when your credit card has been lost.

CRIMPLAP - (krim' plap): n. The short stroll taken when trying on a new pair of shoes, before deciding whether to buy them or not.

CRINKS - (krinks): n. Crevices and junctions where car wax gets in but doesn’t get out.

CRIPPLECREEPS - (krip' ul kreepz): n. People who forcibly insist upon trying out your crutches when you're injured.

CRITIGASM - (krit’ ih gaz uhm): n. Any gushing critical blurb given to a movie that guarantees the reviewer’s name will appear larger than any other’s in the movie ad.

CROOKLIGHT - (kruk' lyt): n. The one light you always leave on to discourage burglars.

CROONO EN FLAGRANTE - (krew' noh on fla grahn' tay): v. To be caught singing to the muzak when the secretary takes you off hold.

CRUMBDUNDANCY - (krum dun' dan see): n. The act of revacumming parts of your car for no reason other than to use up the remaining time on the coin-operated vacuum machine.

CRUMBPLUMB - (krum’ plum): v. To attack a cereal box in an attempt to retrieve the prize.

CRUMMOX - (krum’ oks): n. The cereal that gets caught between the inner lining and the side of the box. Also, the leftover amount at the bottom that is too little to constitute one bowl’s worth but too much to throw away.

CRUSTADJUSTER - (krus' ta jus tur): n. The "light-dark" knob on a toaster that makes you think you're in control.

CUBBAGE - (kuh' bij): n. Decorative ivy used to cover large walls, at Wrigley Field for example.

CUBELO - (kyew’ beh lo): n. The one cube left by the person too lazy to refill the ice tray.

CUBESTACLE - (kewb' stack ul: n. A person who, no matter where he stands, gets in the way of someone shooting pool.

CUFFLATCH - (kuf' lach): v. To grasp the edge of one's sleeve to keep it from slithering up the arm while pulling on a sweater or sport jacket.

CUMULASTICS - (kewm’ uhl as tiks): n. The collection of rubber bands on a person’s doorknob.

CURDUNDANCY - (kur dun' dan see): n. The big deal of opening and closing the theatre curtains between preview and feature in movie theatres, presumably to help justify the inflated ticket price. (Outmoded sniglet)

CURODDS - (kur' ohds): n. The adhesive bandages at the bottom of the box designed for extremely unusual injuries.

CUSHUP - (kush’ up): v. To sit down on a couch somehow causing the cushion next to you to rise.

DARF - (darf): n. The least attractive side of a Christmas tree that ends up facing the wall; also called TANNENBUM.

DASHBLAST - (dash’ blast): n. The head-splitting change in decibel levels experienced when a compact disc in a car is ejected and the radio comes on.

DASHO - (da’ shoh): n. The area between a car’s windshield and dashboard, where coins, pencils, etc., cannot be humanly retrieved.

DECIBILATION - (des ih buhl ay’ shun): n. The shock of having one’s headphones yanked from one’s ears by normally passive objects (such as elbows, coattails, watchband, doorknobs, etc.).

DEFRECIATE - (deh fre' shee ayt): v. While driving home from a fast-food restaurant, the act of stealing an equal amount of fries from each bag so that recipients will believe each simply received small portions.

DEJA VA - (day zha va'): n. The feeling, as you put sugar into your coffee, that you've already put sugar into your coffee.

DELTA VISTA - (del' tuh vis' tuh): n. The principle that states that, on any flight, the "spectacular view" the pilot is describing can only be seen through the opposite window.

DENNIDIOTS - (den id' ee uts): n. People who actually fill out those "How-was-the-service" exams on the backs of restaurant checks.

DENTOCRAM - (den toh kram’): v. To foolishly attempt to achieve a year’s worth of brushing and flossing an hour before your dental appointment.

DESTINESIA - (des tin ee' zha): n. The act of entering a room and forgetting why

DETERRENCY - (dee tur’ ren see): n. The ruined currency found in pants pockets after laundering.

DETRUNCUS - (dee trunk’ us): n. The embarrasing phenomenon of losing one’s bathing shorts while diving into a swimming pool..

DIAGONERD - (dy ag' oh nurd): n. Person who angles his car across two spaces to keep people from parking too close.

DIANKULAR - (dy ank’ yewl ar): adj. The “crossover” style of lacing athletic shoes. (See also: PERPIDANKULAR)

DIESELDIAPER - (dee zuhl dy’ pur): n. The big red flag hanging off the back of a lumber truck.

DIETRIBE - (dy’ uh tryb): n. All the “daily specials” you allow a waiter to rattle off even though you know precisely what you want.

DIGITRITUS - (dij ih tree’ tus): n. Deposits found between the links of a watchband.

DILLRELICT - (dil rel’ ikt): n. The last pickle in the jar that avoids all attempts at being captured.

DIMP - (dimp): n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking “do you work here?”

DIPWAVERS - (dip’ way vurz): n. People who raise their hands when riding on roller coasters.

DIRTWAFFLES - (dir' twah fulz): n. Incriminating bits of preformed dirt that fall off the bottoms of tennis shoes onto clean floors.

DISASTASTACK - (diz as' ta stak): n. Any precariously balanced pyramid of cans or bottles blocking a grocery aisle.

DISCOMBEBOPULATE - (dis kom bee bahp yew’ layt): v. To turn down the car radio when you’re searching for a specific street, as if, somehow, this will help you locate it easier.

DISCONFECT - (dis kon fekt’): v. To sterilize a piece of candy that was dropped upon the ground by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will “remove” all the germs.

DISPATCH TRACK - (dis’ pach trak): n. The squiggly lines next to a postmark on a letter that resemble tire tread marks.

DOG GASKETS - (dawg gas’ kitz): n. The black stuff that collects around an elderly dog’s mouth.

DOGNUT - (dawg’nut): n. The giant nut on the side of a fire hydrant.

DOOR SLINKY - (dohr slin’ kee): n. The springy device attached to the back of a door that prevents the door from marring the wall.

DOORK - (dawrk): n. A person who always pushes on a door marked “pull” or vice versa.

DOWNPAUSE - (down’ pawz): n. The split second of dry weather experienced when driving under an overpass during a storm.

DREAMONIUM - (dree mon' ee yum): n. The metallic coating on a lottery ticket that seperates you from a million bucks a year for life.

DRIVERIE - (dry' vur eee): n. Any daydream experienced while driving that causes you to miss your turn.

DROOT - (drewt): n. A Dorito with an unnatural fold in it.

DRYLOWGRAPHS - (dry’ loh grafs): n. Strange, unintelligible symbols that accompany the washing instructions on clothing labels.

DRYPHOON - (dry foon’): n. The blast of hot air you always feel as you walk past a laundromat.

DUBLECTATE - (duh blek’ tayt): v. To misplace one’s eyeglasses and eventually discover them atop one’s head.

DUDNOBS - (dud' nobz) - n. The fake drawers beneath the sink that everyone attempts to pull open.

DUDOUT - (dud' owt): n. Condition of having consumed all of one's snack bar items before the movie has even begun.

DÜNKEN HÄCKEN - (dun' kin ha' kin): n. Violent coughing attack brought on by inhaling the powdered sugar on a doughnut.

EARTHCAKE EPICENTER - (urth’ kayk ehp’ ih sen tur): n. The buttery, syrup-laden heard of a stack of pancakes, the part you save until last.

EASTROTURF - (ee’ stroh turf): n. The artificial grass in Easter baskets.

ECNALUBMA - (ek nuh lub’ muh): n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear-view mirror.

ECTOLACTO - (ek roh lak' toh): n. The curtain of milk that runs down the outside of the glass when you try to pour it into the cereal bowl.

EFAMATE - (ef' uh mayt): v. To eliminate a dangerous automobile noise by turning up the radio volume.

EGGORY - (eg' er ry): n. The diveted part of the refridgerator that holds the eggs.

EIFFELITES - (eye’ ful eyetz): n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS - (el bahn’ iks): n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theatre.

ELECELERATION - (el uh sel ur ay’ shun): n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button, the faster it will arrive.

ELEMENO - (LMNO): n. The centermost letter of the alphabet, the one that reduces it from twenty-six characters to twenty-three.

ELEVENCE - (el' uh vins): n. The silence that pervades a crowded elevator once the doors fully close.

ELEVERTIGO - (el uh vur’ tih goh): n. The sensation one experiences when an elevator stops or takes off too suddenly.

ELMERDERMIS - (el mur durm’ is): n. The white sheath that surrounds the nozzle of a glue dispenser.

EMENEMINIZE - (em en em' en ize): v. To consume one's M&M's according to color grouping.

ENAMELISMS - (ee nam uhl iz’ uhmz): n. Overly embellished named given to nail polish colors to distinguish them from others, such as “Mediterranean Sunset,” “Autumn Splendor,” or “Dusky Coral.”

ENVELOPTIC - (en vel op’ tik): n. Anyone who peers through the mail slot opening at the post office to see if the employees inside are screwing off.

EQUATT - (ee’ kwaht): v. Trying to balance the light switch in the exact middle of the wall plate, so that light is half on, half off.

ERDU - (ur’ doo): n. The leftover accumulation of rubber particles after erasing a mistake on a test paper.

ESCALASTICIZE - (esk uh last’ ih.syz): v. To lean against the rail of a moving escalator and have the sensation of being pulled in opposite directions.

ESCALOS - (es’ kah lohz): n. People who always end up taking the long way around from escalator to escalator when moving from floor to floor in shopping malls.

ESSOASSO - (es oh as' oh): n. A person who cuts through a service station to avoid a red traffic light.

ETCHACHACHA - (etch’ ah chah chah): n. The jerky movements made by one’s arms and hips when erasing an Etch-a-Sketch.

EUFIRSTICS - (yew fur’ stiks): n. Two people waiting on the phone for the other to hang up first.

EUFRAIN - (yoo frayn'): n. The amount of time (usually four words into the song) it takes a group of people singing "Happy Birthday" to reach a common key.

EUNEEBLIC - (yoo nee’ blik): n. A person who refuses to believe an “out of order” sign and risks his money anyway.

EXAMINISCIENCE - (eg zam' in is sy enz): n. The ability of the computer or testing official to somehow know if you've used anything but a number-two pencil.

EXASPIRIN - (eks as’ prin): n. Any bottle of pain relieve with an impossible-to-remove cotton wad at the top.

EXCESS BUNNERAGE - (eks' es bun' er aj): adj. When the buns at a cookout come in packs of eight and the hot dogs in sixes.

EXCESS WEINERAGE - (eks' es wee' nur aj): adj. When the buns come in packs of eight and the hot dogs in twelve. (See also FRANQUILIZED.

EXECUGLIDE - (eks ek’ yew glyd): v. To propel oneself about an office without getting up from the chair.

EX-O-VAC - (ex' oh vak): n. The third battery in a "buy-two-get-one-free" package that is useless unless you purchase a second package.

EXPRESSHOLES - (eks pres’ holz): n. People who try to sneak more than the “eight items or less” into the express checkout lane.

FACINE - (fay seen'): n. The amount of Visine or Murine that is dribbled onto the cheek, nose, forehead, etc., before successfully entering the eye.

FALOOTER - (fa lew' tur): n. The rope running through a menu that lets you know you're at a fancy restaurant.

FAMAMAGE - (fa mam’ ahj’): v. To eliminate any annoying engine noise by simply turning up the radio volume.

FANIACS - (fan' ee aks): n. People in the crowd at sporting events who have painted their faces and bodies in their team colors.

FARRELPHOBIA - (fayr el foh' bee yuh): n. The fear of being approached by several waiters singing "Happy Birthday".

FATFINETUNER - (fat' fyn toon' ur): n. The knob at the top of the bathroom scale that allows for a conscience-easing "margin of error".

FATLAS - (fat’ las): n. The weekly foo section crammed full of recipes, coupons and full-color dessert photos that make a newspaper noticeably heavier.

FEASERS - (fee' zurz): n. The racing stripes on athletic shoes that fool kids into thinking they can run faster.

FENDERBERG - (fen’ dur burg): n. The large glacial deposits that form on the insides of car fenders and wheel wells during snowstorms.

FERROLES - (fer’ ohlz): n. The holes in the bottom of a steam iron.

FETCHPLEX - fech’ pleks): n. The state of momentary confusion in a dog whose owner has faked throwing the ball and instead palmed it behind his back.

FICTATE - (fik’ tayt): v. To inform a television or screen character of impending danger under the assumption that they can hear you.

FIGFORCE - (fig' fawrs): n. The mysterious magnetic force that holds two or more Fig Newton cookies together.

FINNAGE - (fin’ ij): n. The act of watching your money being swallowed up as your groceries ride the conveyor belt at the supermarket.

FIRSSUE - (fur' shew): n. The lead tissue, the one that gets all the others going

FLANNISTER - (flan’ is tur): n. The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of soda together.

FLARPSWITCH - (flarp’ swich): n. The one light switch in every house with no function whatsoever..

FLEABAGE - (flee' baj): n. Excess of flea collar that has to be cut off.

FLEN - (flen): n. The black crusty residue that accumulates on the necks of old ketchup bottles.

FLEPTIC - flep’ tik: adj. The tendency of soup and dog food lids to slip into the can upon opening.

FLIRR - (flur): n. A photograph that features the the camera operator’s finger in the corner.

FLIMPS - (flimps): n. People (usually observed in waiting rooms) who have advanced the Evelyn Wood technique to the point where they can flip through a magazine without ever looking down from the clock.

FLINTSTEP - (flint’ step): v. To wind up one’s feet before running away in fear. Common among cartoon characters.

FLOLES - (flolz): n. The extra (fourth and fifth) holes in notebook paper, presumably created in the hopes that one day mankind will perfect a “five ring binder.”

FLOPCORN - (flop’ korn): n. The unpopped kernels at the bottom of the cooker or bag.

FLOTION - (flo’ shun): n. The tendency, when sharing a waterbed, to undulate for five minutes every time the other person moves.

FLOTTA FACTOR - (flah’ tuh fak’ tur): n. The proven scientific fact that at a self-service pump, the last ten cents of gasoline take longer to reach the tank than the first nineteen dollars worth.

FLOUND - (flownd): v. To use one's free arm for balance while lugging a heavy gas can or suitcase.

FLOURESE - (flor’ eez): n. The language that you speak while your teeth are being cleaned, discernible only by your dentist.

FLOWFRIGHT - [I](flo’ frite)[/.I]: n. The desperate attempt by a homeowner to “talk” his overflowing toilet into backing down.

FLUGGLING - (flug’ ul ing): v. The dangerous practice, in a darkened room, of using one’s finger to guide the end of an electrical plug into a wall socket.

FLURRANT - (flur’ uhnt): n. The one leaf that always clings to the end of the rake.

FLUTCH - (flutch): n. The jerk one's body makes when one thinks one has lost his/her wallet.

FODS - (fahdz): n. Couples at amusement parks who wear identical t-shirts, presumably to keep from getting lost.

FOODGITIVES - (food' juh tivz): n. The individual vegetables in a microwaveable dinner tray that escape over the wall and into the Salisbury Steak Zone.

FOOFUMBLERS - (few’ fum blurz): n. Chopstick nonparticipants at Chinese restaurants.

FOOMLET - (foom' lit): n. The bathroom towel you're not allowed to use because it's designated for guests and guests don't use because who wants to be the first person to mess it up?

FOOPERS - (foo' perz): n. Passers-by a restaurant windows who stop to watch you eat.

FORKORRAL - (for' kor al): n. The plastic tray used to organize and seperate silverware.

FOYS - (foyz): n. Missing pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that you later find stuck to the underside of your arm.

FRANCIS SCOTT KEYS - (fran' sis skaht keez'): n. The notes of the "Star-Spangled Banner" that only trained opera singers are able to reach.

FRANKFLUID - (fraynk flew’ id): n. The liquid at the bottom of hot dog packages.

FRANQUILIZED - (frank' wil ized): adj. When, by some miracle, you have an equal number of buns and weiners at a cookout.

FRAZNIT - (frahz’ nit): n. Any string hanging from an article of clothing which, when pulled, causes the article to completely unravel.

FRIGIDALIEN - (frij id ay’ lee un): n. Any nonfood object (batteries, camera film, etc.) kept in the refrigerator to prolong its freshness.

FRINGE RELATIVE - (frinj rel' uh tiv): n. Any relative who appears in a smaller photo stuck into the corner of a picture frame (i.e., a relative who is not important enough to appear in his/her own frame.)

FROOG - (frewg): n. The crushing regret associated with purchasing an item, then, one day later, finding the same item for sale elsewhere at a significantly lower price.

FRUST - (frust): n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept into the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to “cheat” and sweep the debris under the rug.

FRUSTRA - (frus’ truh): n. The special plastic used in the manufacture of fast-food ketchup packets.

F-SHOCK - (ef' shok): n. The discovery, after having a flash photograph taken of yourself, that you are albino.

FURBLING - (fur’ bling): v. Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even though you are the only person in line.

FUFFLE - (fuh’ ful): v. To assume, when dining out, that you are making things easier on the waitress by using the phrase “when you get the chance. . .”.

FURBULA - fur’ byew luh): n. The designated chewing area on a dog’s back.

FURNACULARS - (fur nak' yoo lurz): n. The nocturnal sounds made by furnaces that convince you burglars are downstairs.

FURNIDENTS - (fur’ nih dents): n. The indentations that appear in carpets after a piece of furniture has been removed.

FURPLAY - (fur’ play): n. The semi-illicit feeling you get when a cat rubs against your leg.

FURTERUS ZONE - (fur tur’ us zohn): n. The empty stretches of bun on either end of a hot dog.

FUTILITY INFIELDER - (few til' ih tee in' feel dur): n. One who tries to stop grounders by throwing his glove at them.

FUZZBUZZ - (fuz' buz): n. The overwhelming urge that forces otherwise sensible people to "thank" police officers for traffic tickets.

GANGLOOT - (gan’ glewt): n. A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to impress people.

GAPIANA - (ga pee ah’ nah): n. The unclaimed strip of land between the “you are now leaving” and “welcome to” signs when crossing state lines.

GARBPACTION - (garb pak' shun): v. The act of cramming just one more item into a garbage can to avoid emptying it.

GARMITES - (gar’ mytz): n. Those items of clothing that fit perfectly at the store but somehow shrink on the way home.

GASTIDIOUS - (gas tid’ ee yus): adj. The deft manner in which one removes a gas cap so as not to get any fuel on one’s hands.

GAZINTA - (gah zin’ tuh): n. Mathematical symbol for division; also the sound uttered when dividing out loud (e.g. “Four gazinta eight twice.”).

GAZOONTING - (guh zewn’ ting): v. Using one’s nose to fold back the pages of a newspaper while one’s hands are occupied elsewhere.

GAZUREALISM - (gayz’ ur eel ih zuhm): n. The feeling, while at a museum or gallery, that the eyes on a portrait are staring directly at you no matter where you happen to be standing.

GENDERPLEX - (jen’ dur pleks): n. The predicament of a person in a themed amusement park or restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated bathroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises).

GEEZLEFLEW - (gee zuhl’ flew): n. Any obtuse object (e.g., hubcap, license plate, traffic cone, etc.) attached to a service station restroom key designed to prevent users from stealing it.

GENTREA - (jen' tree uh): n. The small area of the windshield beneath the steering wheel used by elderly drivers.

GEOUCH - (jee' owch): n. The sharp rock one always finds directly beneath his sleeping bag.

GERTATIOUS - (gur tay’ shus): adj. Having the adolescent fear that hanging one’s arm over the bed at night will mean being dragged under.

GESUNDTIME - (guh zoon' tym): n. That agonizing moment between the detection of an imminent sneeze and its actual execution.

GIBBLE - (jih’ buhl): n. The sliding keyhole cover on a car trunk.

GIBLUMP - (gib' lump): n. The foil-wrapped turkey that sits in the refrigerator after Thanksgiving because nobody even wants to think about turkey for several days.

GIMMIENNIUM - (gih mee' en ee um): n. The amount of time one lets pass when attempting to be the "eighth lucky caller", "third lucky caller", etc.

GIMPLEXUS - (gim plek’ sis): n. The rear area of the thighs which must be peeled from the car seat on hot summer days.

GIXLET - (giks’ lit): n. Any gift purchased for a forgotten relative at 10:57 P.M. on Christmas Eve with five dollars remaining in your budget.

GIZZLEDIPPLERS - (gih’ zul dip lurz): n. Those annoying waving hands seen on the backs of Winnebagos, placed there by people too lazy to be friendly on their own.

GLACIAPHOBIA - (glay see uh foh bee’ uh): n. Wintertime fear that the smiling child on the curbside is holding a snowball with your name on it.

GLACKETT - (glak’ it): n. The noisy ball inside a can of spray paint.

GLADHANDLING - (glad’ hand ling: v. To attempt, with frustrating results, to find and separate the ends of a plastic sandwich or trash bag.

GLAMP - (glamp): n. The telescopic device used to retrieve golf balls from ponds.

GLANTICS - (glan’ tiks): n. Two people, who, while making out, open their eyes at the same time to see if the other is looking.

GLARPO - (glar’ poh): n. The juncture of the ear and skull where pencils are stored.

GLEEDEBRIS - (glee' deh bree): n. The pile of torn wrapping paper and ribbon left after all the gifts have been opened.

GLEEMITES - glee’ mytz): n. Petrified deposits of toothpaste that accumulate in bathroom sinks.

GLEEMULE - (gleem’ yool): n. One unit of toothpaste, measured from bristle to bristle.

GLISSER - (glis' sur): n. The plastic wand used to inflate and launch soap bubbles.

GLOOB - (gloob): n. Air bag created in the front of one's trunks by entering a swimming pool too rapidly.

GLOOPIUM - (gloo' pee um): n. The area at the bottom of the parfait glass that the spoon cannot quite reach.

GLOVOCITY - (gluh vos' ih tee): n. The maximum increase in speed achieved by throwing aside one's baseball mitt while in pursuit of the ball.

GLUBBULE - (glub' yool): n. The eerie, yet mesmerizing, announcement, appearance and acension of the bubble in a water cooler.

GLUTE - (glewt): v. To shake a sugar packet vigorously so as to move the contents to the bottom before tearing open.

GLUTETIC CHAIR - (gloo tet’ ik chayr): n. A twentieth-century design of chair, found often in movie theatres whose main feature is its ability to keep folding up underneath a person as he tries to force it down with his rear.

GNARMBLUM - (narm’ blum): n. The dry wrinkly area at th end of the elbow.

GOOFYTTI - (goo fee' tee): n. Scribblings on the walls at Disney World which suggest that it's not quite "The Happiest Place on Earth".

GOBBLEMENTS - (gob' luh mentz): n. Those decorative miniature chef hats placed on the ends of turkey drumsticks.

GOLFLUORESCENCE - (gawl flohr’ es ens): n. The incredibly phosphorescent clothing style observed on golf courses, adopted by men who otherwise dress rationally.

GOOPWASTE - (gewp’ wayst): v. To smear excess hand lotion on other parts of your body even though they didn’t actually need it.

GRACKLES - (grak’ ulz): n. The wrinkles that appear on the body after staying in the water too long.

GRANTNAP - (grant’ nap): n. The extra five minutes of sleep you allow yourself that somehow makes all the difference in the world.

GREAT WALL OF CHINOS - (grayt wahl uhv chee’ nohs): n. The condition of having shoved a hand into one’s jeans only to discover that the pocket is jammed up.

GREEDLING - (greed’ ling): v. Pretending to read the inscription on the birthday card when you really just want to know how much the check is for.

GREELITE - (gree’ lyt): n. The eerie glow that emanates from beneath escalator steps.

GREEPERS - (greep' ers): n. People who walk up the down escalators in an attempt to appear motionless.

GRIDLOTT - (grid’ laht): n. The congestion created in checkout lines in small convenience or liquor stores, created by some jerk cashing in a one-dollar lottery ticket.

GRINION - (grin’ yun): n. The unsightly indentation in the middle of a belt after it has been worn too long.

GRINTIGER - (grin’ tih jur): n. The numbered code on the back of a greeting card that, when deciphered, reveals the price.

GRIPTION - (grip’ shun): n. The sound of sneakers squeaking against the floor during basketball games.

GRISKNOB - [I](gris’ nahb)[/b]: n. The end of a chicken drumstick which always gives the appearance of having more chicken on it.

GROCESSES - (groh' ses iz): n. The wasted area of grocery shelf space caused by round cans only being able to meet at their circumferences.

GROMAXES - (grohm’ aks iz): n. The inside area of the knees used to grip the steering wheel when holding a road map.

GUFFAWNIX - (guh fahw' niks): n. Uproarious laughter which must be squelched immediately due to its inappropriateness at the time, e.g., in the classroom, at a business meeting, in church, etc.

GUMIPLAST - (guhm’ ee plast): n. Any pair of fused-together or “siamese” gummy bears.

GUMMERATOR - (gum’ uhr ay tur): n. The pointed rubber object on the end of some toothbrushes.

GUNKOLEUM - (gun koh' lee yum): n. The horrible black paste that car manufacturers smear underneath car seats.

GURMLISH - (gurm’ lish): n. The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich toothpick that prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.

GUPTOPIA - (gup’ toh pee yuh): n. The phony decor in an aquarium designed to fool fish into thinking they’re living in an underwater paradise.

GYMBOLS - (jim' bolz): n. Those lines and markings on a gym floor that have no intelligible purpose whatsoever.

GYROPED - (jy’ roh ped): n. A child who cannot resist spinning around on a diner stool.

HACULA - (hak’ yew luh): n. The last few inches of tape measure or lawn mower cord that refuse to rewind automatically.

HALASKA - (ha las' kuh): n. The boxed area on a U.S. map where our 49th and 50th states are located.

HALVENT - (hav’ ent): n. The style of automobile window that only rolls down halfway.

HAMNESIA - (ham nee' zhuh): n. The convenient gap in one's memory that allows one to forget a diet and instead pig out on goodies.

HANGLE - (hayn’ guhl): n. A cluster of coat hangers.

HANNAH-OBSCURA - hah' nuh ob skur' uh): n. Any unintelligible line in a popular cartoon theme song (e.g., in the Flintstones: "...through the courtesy of Fred's big feet").

HASBROGANY - (haz brog' uh nee): n. The crime of allowing a child who does not meet the "age and up" requirement to participate in a board game.

HEADWEASELS - (hed’ wee zuhls): n. Snooty, pompous, overbearing maitre d’s who address you in the third person: “How many are we tonight?”

HEISTENATION - (hyst’ eh nay shun): n. The sudden inviting notion acquired when seeing an open safe or bank vault that suggests maybe, just maybe, you could get away with it.

HELICRATE - (hel' ih krayt): n. Any mobile home in a tornado-prone area. (See also: MOBICIDE.)

HEMOPLUGS - (hee' moh plugz): n. Small pieces of toilet paper applied to shaving wounds.

HEMPENNANT - (hem’ pen ent: n. Any coattail, cuff, or dress hem dangling outside the door of a moving vehicle.

HICCUMUMBO - (hik uh mum' boh): n. Any preposterous ritual to which otherwise sensible, God-fearing people will resort in order to alleviate hiccups (e.g., salt-tossing, cemetary visitations, incantations, etc.).

HIGHYIMES - (hi' yimes): n. Those 1-800 number operators who threaten to return at the end of the magazine subscription commercial to "tell you how to receive your free gift."

Give Props For This Entry (Quality Entry) [6] Edit this entry Delete this entry Comment on this entry (3 fleeps)
[Create Response Entry]
[public entry #5]

Sep 5, 2008 - 06:38 PM
Complete Sniglet Compendium Pt. 2
HOLEYMOLEY - (hoh lee moh' lee): n. The tiny hole in your pocket that inevitably grows larger on a diet of coins and keys.

HOOPTOOTS - (hoop' tootz): n. Strange bugle sounds at basketball and hockey games, the source of which no one seems able to identify.

HOPNO - (hohp’ noh): n. The emergency repair of a hem with staples that you sincerely pray nobody will notice.

HOROSCOPIA - (hohr’ oh skoh pee yuh): n. The lingo or advice in a horoscope that can be applied to any person, anywhere, in any circumstance, ever.

H2OT - (aych too aht'): n. The heated water that comes out of a garden hose after it has sat in the sun all day.

HOUNDWOUNDING - (hownd’ wown ding): v. The act of a dog circling a spot three or four times before settling upon it.

HOUSE CHANGE - (haus' chaynj): n. Unclaimed coins that can always be found beneath couch cushions and reclining armchairs.

HOWUZITIZE - (hau wuz' it ize): n. To scan the faces of exiting moviegoers in an attempt to determine the quality of the film.

HOZONE - (ho’ zohn): n. The mysterious dimension to where one sock in every laundry load disappears.

HUDNUT - (hud’ nut: n. The bolt left over when one has finished reassembling a bicycle or car engine.

HUMOMENTUM - (hu moh men' tum): n. Precious extra feet in an out-of-gas car gained by urgently thrusting one's body forward.

HYDRALATION - (hy druh lay’ shun): v. Acclimating oneself to a cold swimming pool by bodily regions: toe-to-knee, knee-to-waist, waist-to-elbow, elbow-to-neck.

HYPOCRITULATION - (hip oh krit yew lay' shun): n. The seemingly joyous reaction of the runners-up as they surround the winner at a beauty pageant.

HYSTIOBLOGINATION - (his’ tee oh blahg in ay’ shun): v. The act of trying to identify a gift by holding it to your ear and shaking it.

ICISION - (ih sih’ zhun): n. Delicate operation performed on Neopolitan flavored ice cream in which one entire flavor is precisely and systematically removed.

IDIOLOCATION - (id' ee oh low kay' shun): n. The spot on the shopping mall map marked "you are here."

IDIOT BOX - (id’ ee uht bahks): n. The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp just in case they can’t quite figure it out for themselves.

IDPRESSION - (id preh’ shun): n. The sudden attempt to stifle one’s laughter upon viewing the photograph on another person’s driver’s license.

IGNISECOND - (ig’ nih sek und): n. The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car door even as the brain is screaming “my keys are in there!”

ILLUMINOT - (il ew' mih nawt): n. The device in airplane bathrooms that won't let the light come on until you lock the door.

IMPASSENGERS - (im pas enj urz): n. Two people, one inside the car, one outside, negating each other's actions while trying to unlock the door.

INADEQUILL - (in ad' uh kwil): n. The feeling one gets when not answering a personal letter promptly.

INCOMEPOOP - (in’ kum pewp): n. The smell on a cashier’s fingers from handling money all day.

INCONSMUTULOUS - (in kahn smut’ yew lus): adj. Buying extraneous magazines to help camouflage a copy of Playboy or Penthouse.

INCUISINATORS - (in kwiz ih nay’ turz): n. People at adjoining restaurant tables who seem far more interesting in your food than their own.

INDIGESTURES - (in dih jest’ jurz): n. The half-hearted protestations you feel required to offer when someone else is picking up the check.

INDYSECOND - (in' dee sek und): n. The moment of hesitation you have just before gunning your car and running the yellow light. (See also: ACCELOYELLOS.)

INELVITABLE - (in el' vih tuh bul): adj. The uncanny ability of a band in old Elvis movies to materialize from nowhere whenever Elvis begins to sing.

INKFLAMATION - (ink fla may’ shun): n. The point at which the ballpoint pen you’re chewing on begins to taste peculiar, causing you to suspect that your face and mouth have been blackened with ink.

INKNITION - (ink nih' shun): n. The metal clicker at the top of a cheap ball point pen that: a) puts it into operation and b) is also perfect for driving substitute teachers crazy.

INKSLICK - (ink’ slik): n. A greasy spot on a piece of stationery or test paper.

INNINGFRINGEMENT - (in ning frinj' ment): n. The warning near the end of a baseball broadcast that warns listeners against starting their own station and "rebroadcasting the accounts and descriptions of this game."

INTUNATIVE - (in tewn’ uh tiv): adj. The condition of mentally hearing a song begin on an album or the radio mere seconds before it plays.

INTUXICATION - (in tuks ih kay’ shun: n. The confusion as to whether the ribbed openings on a cummerbund are supposed to face up or down.

INVISIVOIDANCE - (in viz uh voy' dans): n. The ability to disappear in order to avoid saying hello to someone.

IRANT - (eye’ rant): n. A seamless pistachio nut; a pistachio nut afraid to come out in public.

JACKSTOP - (jak' stahp): n. The stop you make fifteen feet from the pickup window to make sure your order is all there and to make adjustments (straw through drink, etc.) for simultaneous eating and driving.

JAVAJETSAM - (ja va jet' sum): n. Washed ashore coffee grounds on the rim of the cup.

JAVA-VU - (jah’ vah vew): n. Phenomenon of constantly adjusting the sugar/cream level of your coffee to your liking, only to have a waitress come along and ruin it again.

JEMIMITES - (je my' myts): n. Extremely tiny pancakes formed from the batter that fell off the ladle.

JETSCHPIEL - (jeht’ shpeel): n. The enthusiastic “safety speech” given by flight attendants that 95% of flyers thoroughly ignore.

JIFFYLUST - (ji’ fee lust): n. The inability to be the first person to carve into a brand-new beautiful jar of peanut butter.

JOES OF ARC - (johz’ uhv ark): n. Tiny drops of coffee that die on the burner after the pot is removed.

JOHN HANCROCK - (jahn han’ krahk): n. A signature, usually found on diplomas and corporate checks, that has been unceremoniously stamped there as opposed to handwritten.

JUJUSPECTION - (joo' joo spek shun): v. To hold a jujube up to the cinema screen in order to determine its color.

JUKEJITTERS - (jook’ jih turz): n. The fear that everyone thinks you picked the awful tune emanating from the jukebox when it was actually the person before you.

KATPRANO - (kat prah' noh): n. The high voice one uses when summoning a cat.

KAWASHOCK - (kah wah shahk’): n. The act of pulling into the last remaining parking space only to discover a motorcycle there.

KEDOPHOBIA - (ked oh fo’ bee uh): n. The fear of having one’s shoes “eaten” by the teeth on the escalator.

KEYFRUIT - (kee’ froot): n. The one apple, pear or tomato in the stand that, when removed, causes all the others to tumble forward.

KEYLONIUS - (kee loan' ee us): adj. The slight trace of criminality one feels when having his keys duplicated.

KIDFUSION - (kid few' zhun): n. The state wherein a parent stumbles over the names of all her children before calling the proper one, i.e., "Matt, Ruth, Ken, Edward, Tina, BOB, get over here!"

KIRKWALK - (kir' kwok): v. When hiking through snow, using the footsteps of one who has boldly gone before you.

KLEPTORCEPTORS - (klep' tor sep torz): n. The two-foot long (security overkill) plastic device encasing cassette tapes at a music store.

KNIMPEL - (nim’ pul): n. The missing last piece of a jigsaw puzzle.

KNUCK - (nuk): n. Ice cream collected on the back of the hand when scraping the last portions from the container.

KNUCKLECHEESE - (nuk' uhl cheez): n. Shreds of skin lost when grating cheese.

KRASHTONITE - (krash’ tuhn ite): n. The indestructible material from which the airplane’s “black box” is designed, which prompts the question, “why isn’t the rest of the plane made from this stuff?”

KROGLING - (kroh’ gling): v. The nibbling of small items of fruit and produce at the supermarket, which the customer considers “free sampling” and the owner considers “shoplifting.”

LACTOMANGULATION - (lak’ toh mayn gyoo lay’ shun): v. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the “illegal” side.

LACTO-OSTEOKIBLETIC - (lak' toh os' tee oh kih bleh' tik): adj. The secret urge to taste Milk Bones or dog food just to get an idea of what your dog has to look forward to for the rest of his life.

LACTOSPANSION - (lak toh span' shun): n. Phenomenon that causes any amount of spilled milk to produce three times its original volume upon impact.

LAMINITES - (lam’ in itz): n. Those strange people who show up in the photo sections of brand-new wallets.

LARF - (larf): v. To lick and retain a fork for dessert.

LARSENTIOUS - (lar sen’ tee us): adj. Consulting the comics page before addressing any other section of the newspaper.

LAVORTEX - lav’ ohr teks): n. Megasuction force of airplane toilets that banishes the slightest piece of toilet paper deep into the bowels of the plane’s interior.

LEBBETTS - (leh’ betz): n. The “heels” of a loaf of bread that are passed over in the belief that the slices in the middle are “fresher”.

LEXICAVES - (leks' ih kayvz): n. Indentations on the side of a dictionary.

LEXPLEXED - (leks' plekst): adj. Being unable to find the correct spelling for a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

LIGS - (ligz): n. The two small metal tabs that hold an Ace bandage in place.

LIMALOPE - (ly’ muh lohp): n. The disgusting foreskin on a lima bean.

LINENARCTICA - (lin en ark' tik uh): n. The corner of the bed that is impossible to reach when putting on new sheets.

LINENEE - (lih nen nee’): n. The member of a two-person folding team at the laundromat who takes the sheet and completes the fold.

LINGERUISTICS - (ling’ gur ew is tiks): n. The phenomenon of staring at a word so long that it begins to appear misspelled and eventually loses all coherent meaning whatsoever.

LIPPLE - (lih’ puhl): n. The excess balm that collects around the outside of the Chapstick cap after it’s been resealed.

LINTHLYPTUS - (lin tu lip' tus): n. Any cough drop found in one's pocket or purse after a long period of time.

LITMUSLOAD - (lit' mus lode): n. Any washload that comes out the color of the one item that faded.

LOBSTERINE - (lahb’ stur een): n. The green stuff that oozes from the center of the lobster.

LOCKOBLANKO - (lok' oh blayn' koh): n. The trauma of returning to school following Christmas vacation and being unable to remember one's locker combination.

LODGECOMBING - (loj’ koh ming): n. The final reconnaissance before vacating a motel room.

LOGGIUM - (lawg’ ee yum): n. Excess water that drips from one’s nose hours after swimming.

LOISANBOBS - (loh' is an bahbz): n. Christmas cards signed in first names only, giving you absolutely no idea who these people are.

LOOBLAZE - (lew’ blayz): n. The blinding glare experienced when turning on the bathroom lights at 3 A.M.

LOOMLIES - (lewm’ leez): n. Jockey shorts that have lost their elasticity.

LOONIEBABBLING - (loo' nee bab ling): v. The act of inhaling the contents of a helium balloon in an attempt to talk like a member of Alvin and the Chipmunks.

LOOTCHUTE - (loot' shoot): n. The vacuum tube used in drive-through banks to move money back and forth to customers.

LORP - (lawrp): n. The part of the shoe that collapses when you try to pull it on without a shoehorn.

LOSERLITTER - (lew zur lih’ tur): n. The paper accumulations found on the ground at racetracks and betting parlors.

LOTSHOCK - (laht’ shahk): n. The act of parking your car, walking away, and watching it roll past you.

LOUISPRIMADONNA - (lew ee pree’ ma dahn ah): n. The snobbish manner in which a woman always carries about a Louis Vuitton purse for all to behold.

LUB - (lub): n. The small deposit of spinach or otherwise garish food substance that lodges itself between one’s teeth.

LUMILUMP - (loo' mih lump): n. The buildup of moviegoers at the top of the cinema aisle waiting for a light scene to appear on the screen so they can see the seats.

MAGGIT - (mayg’ it): n. Any of the hundreds of subscription cards that fall from the pages of a magazine (pl. MAGGREGATE).

MAGLERK - (mag' lurk): n. The ingenious wedge made in a coffee lid to facilitate safe consumption while driving.

MAGNACARTIC - (mag nuh’ kar tik): adj. The property of an automobile, when left unattended, to attract every shopping cart within the vicinity.

MAGNAGRAM - (mayg’ nuh gram): n. Any sign that takes on a new meaning when a magnetic letter falls off.

MAGNIPHOBIA - (mayg nih fo’ bee yuh): n. The fear that the object in the side mirror is much much closer than it appears.

MALIBUGALOO - (mayl ih bew’ guh lew): n. A dance that affects barefoot beachgoers on hot summer days.

MALLCONTENTS - (mawl’ kon tentz): n. The collection of bored, ticked-off husbands always seen sitting on benches in the middles of shopping malls.

MALLWALTZIST - (mahl wahlt' zist: n. The person hired to demonstrate organs and keyboards in shopping malls.

MALTIAN - (mawl’ shun): n. The vaguely humanlike creature in a diner, with concave cheeks, bulging forehead veins and a clearly outlined skull, who is sucking on an overly thick milkshake.

MALTIGO - (mahl' tih go): n. The temporary state of confusion experienced upon exiting a store in a mall and not remembering by which direction one entered.

MAJURY - (mah' ju ree): n. Blatant lies and illogic that mothers use to discourage "dangerous" behaviors among children (i.e., "What if your face freezes like that?").

MANGLAZETTE - (mayng luh zet’): n. The newspaper at the top of the stack that everyone passes over, believing the ones beneath it have better or fresher news.

MANILLIUM - (mah nil’ ee yum): n. The lifespan of the clasp on a manila envelope before it breaks off and dies.

MANUMULCHING - (man' yew mul ching): v. Transporting leaves by sandwiching them between one hand and the rake.

MARGRANE - (mar' grayn): n. The blinding pain incurred from drinking Margarita slush too quickly.

MARKAHOLIC WARD - (mark’ ah hawl ik wohrd): n. The place in your desk where you send dried-out felt tip pens to recover.

MARMAL - (mar' mul): n. The bits of orange peel suspended in marmalade.

MARP - (marp): n. The impossible-to-find beginning of a roll of cellophane tape.

MATRIHISS - (mat' rih his): n. The tiny amount of air that always escapes before sealing off an air mattress.

MATRIPHOBIA - (mat rih foh’ bee uh): n. Noticeable distance that single men keep from the women who just caught the bouquet at a wedding.

MATTRESCOTTING - (mat’ res kot ting): n. The pattern of grey and white lines on an institutional mattress.

MAWLK - (mawlk): n. The one deflated or "factory irregular" malted milk ball in every box.

MAYBELO - (may’ bel oh): n. The shape a woman makes with her mouth when applying makeup.

MAYPOP - (may’ pahp): n. A bald tire.

MAYTAG MASSAGE - (may' tag muh sahj'): n. The momentary thrill experienced while sitting on a washer as it launches into the spin cycle.

McMAGNAMAT - (mik mag' nuh mat): n. The paper place mat on the McDonald's tray that adheres, no matter how much you try to shake into the trash receptacle.

McMONIA - (mik mohn’ ee yuh): n. The noxious gas created by a fast-food employee mopping beneath your table while you’re eating.

McNERTIA - (mak nur' sha): n. Malaise that prevents a McDonald's employee from filling your order too quickly, or too correctly.

MEDIPEEP - (meh' dee peep): v. To surrender to temptation and look inside a host's bathroom cabinet to see from what kind of afflictions he or she suffers.

MEGANEGABAR - (meg uh neg' uh bar): n. The line you draw across the "amount" section of a check to prevent people from adding "and a million dollars."

MELBLANGUAGE - (mel blayng’ wij): n. The uproarious conversation baby boomers engage in when discussing their favorite cartoons.

MELON-DIXON LINE - (mel' un diks' un lyn): n. The point of the watermelon you do not eat below because someone once told you it causes stomachaches.

MEMNANTS - (mem’ nentz): n. The chipped or broken M&Ms at the bottom of the bag.

MEMOMIMICRY - (mem oh mim' ih kree): n. The brief pause in a conversation where you pretend to be getting a pencil to write down an important message.

MEMOSPHERE - (meh' mo sfeer): n. The part of the sky one searches when trying to recall something in the past.

MENUGE - (men' you zhe): n. The person among a tableful of diners silently elected to hand all the menus back to the waitress.

MEOUCH - (mee’ owch): n. The part of a cat’s neck that you’re allowed to safely grab and lift (although the cat never appears to be convinced of this).

MERFERATOR - (mur’ fur ay tur): n. The cardboard core in a roll of toilet tissue.

MERLIN’S SUDS - (mur’ linz sudz): n. The mysterious force that allows a wet glass or dish astoundingly travel across a counter top seemingly by its own motivation.

MERTON EFFECT - (mur' tun ef fekt'): n. The theory that if you are in a fast-moving elevator and you jump up, you will never touch the floor again.

MESOGROOVIC - (mez’ oh grew vik): adj. Type of people who enter onto a dance floor already in motion.

METHYLPHOBIA - (meth il foh’ bee yuh): n. The fear that you are going to have to pay for the once cent you over-pumped at the service station.

MIASMA VICE - (my’ az muh vys): n. The background smoke used in film scenes to create a mood of impending danger.

MICROTREK - (my’ kroh trek): n. Any nervous trip to the microwave oven to make sure the house and/or the kitchen hasn’t incinerated.

MICROTS - (my’ krotz): n. The two thumbnail-sized pieces you end up with when trying to remove a paper towel from the dispenser in a public restroom.

MILD CORNARY - (myld kohrn’ ayr ee): n. Any adverse reaction to the price of movie theater popcorn.

MIMOIDS - (mim’ oydz): n. People who are curiously entranced by the scent of freshly photocopied papers.

MINIBLURB - (mih' nee blerb): n. That useless scrap of information about the author found on the back of a book.

MINNIE PEARL VISION - (mih' nee perl' vizh' un): n. The act of trying to envision how a pair of drugstore sunglasses will look on you without the huge tag dangling from them.

MINUTATER - (min' u tay tur): n. The smallest french fry in the bag. (See also POTENTATER.)

MIRRORABILIA - (mih rawr’ uh beel ee yuh): n. The useless junk (air fresheners, fuzzy dice, mortarboard tassels, etc.) hanging from any given rearview mirror.

MIRRORCIDE - (mi' rawr side): n. Leading cause of death among finches and parakeets.

MISCORDANCE - (mis kawr’ dans): n. The principle that states: when reaching for drape cords, you will always tug on the wrong one first, practically tearing down the whole contraption.

MISSPITS - (mis' spitz): n. Albino watermelon seeds.

MITTSQUINTER - (mit’ skwint ur): n. A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.

MOBICIDE - (moh' bih syd): n. The stupefying principle that states the most tornado-prone areas attract the highest concentration of mobile homes. (See also: HELICRATE.)

MODADS - (moh’ dadz): n. All the free stuff (shampoo, moisturizer, sewing kits, etc.) one feels compelled to take when checking out of a motel (under the assumption that the next place you stay will be a real dump). (HODADS - Modads of higher quality found in hotels.)

MODOWN - (moh' down): n. The final phase of lawn cutting, the point at which one stops moving in a systematic up and down pattern and begin mowing in a haphazard angular pattern.

MOFFLIES - (maw’ flyz): n. Geezers who materialize at construction sites and feel compelled to point out that whatever it is you’re doing . . . you’re doing it wrong.

MOLOTOV CARTAIL - (mah' lah tav kar' tayl): n. Any service station towel used in place of a gas cap.

MOMETER - (ma' mee tur): n. The back part of a mother's hand that, when placed to a child's forehead, "knows" if the kid is running a fever or not.

MOMMENOIA - (mom muh noy' ah): n. The fear that the dentist or doctor will barge in and catch you playing with his equipment.

MONOPUTZ - (ma' noh putz): n. The one person during every game of Monopoly who feels compelled to point out how awesome it would be if the money were real.

MONOPYOLOED - (mahn’ ahp yoh lohd): n. The person controlling the largest empire during a Monopoly game; the only remaining player who wishes to see the game through to its natural completion.

MOOL - (mool): n. The little container on the side of a cash register into which your change appears.

MOPEEPS - (moh’ peepz): n. People compelled to look through the curtain opening of your motel room as they pass by.

MOPHENES - (moh’ feenz): n. The semi-truck headlights that invade your motel room at three in the morning.

MOTMESHS - (maht’ mesh ez): n. A pair of inseparable shopping carts.

MOTODRIFT - (moh’ toh drift): n. The mistaken belief, at a stoplight, that your car is moving backward when, actually, the car beside you is moving forward.

MOTSPUR - (maht’ spur): n. The pesky fourth wheel on a shopping cart that refuses to cooperate with the other three.

MOUTHLETIC - (mowth’ leht ik): adj. Having the useless talent, acquired in bars, of being able to twist a cherry stem into a knot with one’s tongue.

MOWERHAWK - (moh’ ur hawk): n. The strip of grass that remains here and there after mowing a lawn.

MOWMUFFINS - (moh’ muf finz): n. The dried accumulation of grass on the underside of lawnmowers.

MOZZALASTICS - (maht suh las’ tiks): n. Large deposits of cheese that stick to the top of the pizza box.

MUFFINLUST - [I](muh’ fin lust)[I]: The slightly illicit feeling one experiences when undressing a cupcake.

MULTIPOCHOHOLES - (mawl tee poh’ choh holz): n. Wounds left in test papers from overerasing.

MUMMABOLIC CHORUS - (mum uh bah’ lik koh’ rus): n. When three or more people are singing along to a tune and suddenly discover that each is faking their way through the unintelligible lyrics.

MUMMELOT - (muh’ muh laht): n. The bottomless repository to which theatre tickets are dropped after being torn.

MR. CEMENTEE - (mis' tur see men' tee): n. Any cement truck with colorful polka dots or stripes painted on it, ostensibly to attract children.

MUNCHBUNCH - (munch' bunch): n. The huddle that forms around the cake and cookies at an office celebration.

MUGPUDDLES - (mug' pud ulz): n. Small bodies of water that collect on upturned mugs in the dishwasher.

MUMPHREYS - (mum’ freez): n. Those strange extra digits you find on touch-tone telephones.

MUSQUIRT - (mus’ kwurt): n. The water that comes out of the initial squirts of a squeezable mustard bottle.

MUSTGO - must’ goh): n. Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project.

NABISCITES - (neh bih' skytz): n. Deteriorated cookie particles that remain submerged in the milk.

NABULANCE - (nab’ yew lans): n. The slow, nonchalant appearance of a hand growing out of your neck and groping for the unbuckled seat belt at your side, as viewed by the cop who just pulled you over.

NACLICAL JOKE - (nak' lik uhl johk): n. Gleeful practice of loosening salt shaker caps even though you know you won't be around to savor the outcome.

NAD - (nad): 18.4 centimeters: the average distance from a driver's outstretched fingertips to the ticket dispenser in a parking lot.

NADCATCHER - (nad kach’ ur): n. The bar on a man’s bicycle whose sole purpose seems to be painfully reminding the man of his own masculinity.

NAPGRAPHS - (nap' grafs): n. The markings you find on most institutional pillows.

NAPJERK - (nap’ jurk): n. The sudden convulsion of the body just as one is about to doze off.

NARCOLEPULACY - (nar koh lep’ yool ah see): n. The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone else in sight to yawn also.

NASALSTALGIA - (nay zul stahl' juh): n. Special smells that bring you back to another time and place, e.g., your mother's kitchen.

NEBULAND - (neh’ bew land): n. Any place where the “void where prohibited” clause on a game card appears.

NEBULANTS - (neh’ bew lantz): n. Those product ingredients that follow phrase, "contains one or more of the following," as if the manufacturers themselves don't know what goes in the stuff.

NEGATILE - (neh’ guh tyl): n. Any area of the bathroom floor where, somehow, the scale registers you five pounds lighter.

NEGLINTICS - (neh glin’ tiks): n. The study of why dark lint attaches itself to light clothing and vice versa.

NEOICE - (nee oh ice’): n. Any ice cube removed before its time that, upon close examination, resembles a carpenter’s level.

NEONPHANCY - (nee on’ fan see): n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

NERKLE - (nur’ kuhl): n. A person who leaves his Christmas lights up all year.

NEVITTS - (nev’ itz): n. The sandpaper-like deposits on a cat’s tongue.

NEUTRON PEAS - (new’ trahn peez): n. Tiny green objects in frozen dinners that remain cold even when the rest of food has been microwaved beyond recognition.

NEWSPAMPER - (nooz' pam pur): n. The plastic bag that appears on your newspaper on days when it rains or snows.

NEWTON - (new’ tihn): n. The cookie shell surrounding the fig in a Fig Newton.

NICAMEASLES - (nik' a mee zulz): n. Brown dots on the front of a ballplayer's uniform from spitting tobacco and missing.

NICOMETEOR - (nik oh mee’ tee awr): n. A cigarette that exits through a car’s front window and reenters through the back.

NIFLECK - (nih’ flek): n. The unmarked domino in the set.

NINKER - (nin' kur): n. Any utensil or item that positions itself inside a drawer so as to prevent the drawer from opening and allowing access to the problem.

NISTOLS - (niz tulz): n. The small, rubbery pads on the bottom of a dog’s paw.

NITVWIT - (nit' vwit): n. Any person who can't find the reverse gear in a Volkswagen.

NIZ - (niz): n. An annoying hair at the top of a movie screen.

NIZZLEBRILL - (nih’ zuhl bril): n. The “night-day” switch on a rear-view mirror.

NOCTURNUGGETS - (nok’ tur nuh gitz): n. Deposits found in one’s eyes upon awakening in the morning, also called: GOZZAGAREENA, OPTIGOOK, EYEHOCKEY, etc.

NOFLET - (nahf’ lit): n. The upward swirl of hair found on certain individuals such as Ronald Reagan and Big Boy.

NOGGENAVIGATION - (nog uh nav uh gay' shun): n. The ability of parents to guide their small children around by the tops of their heads.

NOMOR - (noh' mohr): n. The red slash and circle that is the symbol of Universal Hatred.

NOODLIUM - (nood' lee yum): n. The tiny window on the box through which you are allowed to view spaghetti and pasta.

NORTONISMS - (nor' tun iz umz): n. "Loosening up" motions made with the wrist before writing.

NOUGALICITY - (noo ga lis' ih tee): n. The degree to which a Snickers bar will stretch before the caramel snaps.

NOZZLOP - (noz' zlop): v. To look into a garden hose in zealous anticipation of the coming flow.

NUGLOO - (nug’ loo): n. A single continuous eyebrow that covers the entire forehead (also called UNIBROW).

NURGE - (nerj): v. To inch closer to a stoplight thinking that this will cause it to change quicker.

NUTRASECOND - (noo' truh sek und): n. The brief moment of pleasure before the aftertaste of a diet soft drink sets in.

NUTTONBUTTON - (nut' un but' un): n. The device at intersections marked "push to cross."

OATGAP - (oht’ gap): n. The empty space in a cereal box created by “settling during shipment.”

ODDIOVIDEO - (ah' dee oh vih' dee oh): n. Inexplicable phenomenon of tuning into a TV show you've seen just once only to have it be a repeat of the exact same episode.

ODGET - (ahd' jit): n. Those extremely obscure crayons that will never be used because nothing in the universe is the color of cerise.

OLINGO - (oh ling’ goh): n. Any extraneous o that is placed at the end of a word to make it more colorful, emphatic, etc. (e.g., “Nutso,” “Whacko”).

110 AT THE EQUATOR - (won’ ten at the ek way’ tawr): n. Any burning sensation experienced directly below the navel when putting on a pair of jeans straight from the dryer.

OOB - (oob): n. The hollow tube left behind when the onion accidentally slithers out of the onion ring.

OOPZAMA - (ewp’ zah mah): n. Sudden scratching of the scalp or face upon realization that the person at whom you were waving wasn’t who you believed it was.

OPHEAD - (op' hed): v. To smash one's head against the crease of the newspaper to get it to fold.

OPLING - (oh’ pling): v. The act, when feeding a baby, of opening and closing one’s mouth, smacking one’s lips and making “yummy” noises in the hope that baby will do the same.

OPTORTIONIST - (op tohr’ shun ist): n. The kid in school who can turn his eyelids inside out.

OPUKUM - (oh pewk’ uhm): n. That horrible-looking liquid in which the scooper rests at the ice cream parlor.

OPUP - (ahp’ uhp): v. To push one’s glasses back upon the nose.

ORCHIDAIR - (ohr kid’ ayr): n. The giant, see-through refrigerator at the florist where they keep the expensive flowers.

ORDACITY - (or das' ih tee): n. The crafty way advertisers have of wording order forms ("Gentlemen, please send me. . .," "Enclosed please find my check for. . .," "I understand that if I am not fully satisfied. . .") so that it looks like we wrote them ourselves.

OREOSIS - (awr ee oh’ sis): n. The practice of eating the cream center of an Oreo before eating the cookie outsides.

OROGAMI - (or oh gah’ mee): n. The miraculous folding process that allows Kleenexes to methodically emerge from the box one at a time.

OROSUCTUOUS - (or oh suk’ choo us): adj. Being able to hold a drinking glass to one’s face by sheer lung power alone.

ORQO - (oar' ko): n. The small bar that turns an "O" into a "Q." (Not to be confused with the Arqo which is the bar that turns an "R" into a drugstore.)

OTISOSIS - (oh tis oh’ sis): n. The inability to meet anyone else’s gaze in an elevator.

OUIJAUL BOARD - (wee’ hawl bohrd): n. The collection of business cards and flyers (“We Haul Anything”) often seen posted on the walls in laundromats and supermarket vestibules.

PAINTHEIST - (payn' thee ist: n. One who never believes a "wet paint" sign and must test the claim for himself.

PAJANGLE - (pah jayn’ guhl): n. The condition of awakening with one’s pajamas turned 180 degrees about the waist or torso.

PAKILAPSE - (pak' uh laps): n. The delay in service that is endured when the 7-11 clerk is forced to walk over and extract another roll of pennies from the MONEY FORT.

PAMPERY - (pam' pur ee): n. The pretense of going through someone's stack of baby pictures slowly, making cooing sounds, etc., when you really want to flip through them like a deck of cards.

PARD - (pard): n. The stubby, eraserless pencil that miniature golf courses and bowling alleys issue you, presumably to prevent you from changing your score.

PARSLEYCUTION - (par slee kew’ shun): n. The destruction of garnish on your plate out of fear that it will be recycled and darken your life another day.

PARSLEYVANIA - (par slee vay' nyuh): n. The place from where all the fancy restaurant garnish that is never eaten comes.

PASTAPLEGIC - (pas tuh plee' jik): n. Any person who's eaten so much spaghetti that he cannot move.

P.A.T. (PERCUSSIVE ACCORDION-TROMBONE) METHOD - (pee ay tee meth’ uhd): n. Standard approach to preparing a drinking straw for use: Consists of driving it sharply downward against a tabletop, thus causing the wrapper to rip open and achieve an “accordion” effect. The user then brings the exposed end of the straw to his mouth and blows the wrapper across the room.

PAYFALL - (pay' fal): n. The sound a public telephone makes that tricks you into thinking your coin was accidentally returned.

PEAMORPHO - (pee mor' foh): n. The peanut butter that escapes through the holes to the other side of the cracker.

PEDAERATION - (ped ayr ay’ shun): n. Perfect body heat achieved by having one’s leg under the sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.

PEDIDDEL - (peh did’ uhl): n. A car with only one working headlight. (Antonym: LEDDIDEP: a car with only one working taillight.)

PEDLOCK - (ped’ lahk): n. The condition of a bicycle pedal wedging itself against the kickstand.

PEEPOLA - (pee poe' luh): n. The gap in the dressing room curtain that can never be completely closed.

PELP - (pelp): n. The crumbs and food particles that accumulate in the cracks of dining tables.

PENCICOPTER - (pen' sih kop tur): n. Classroom invention fashioned from a pencil and a ruler during periods of extreme boredom.

PENCIVENTILATION - (pen sih ven tih lay’ shun): v. The act of blowing on the tip of a pencil after sharpening it.

PEPPIER - (pehp ee ay’): n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PEPSILLUVIUM - (pep sil lew' vee yum): n. The tiny amount of cola that escapes when you push a straw through the plastic lid of a fountain drink.

PEPSUNAMI - (pep soo nahm' ee): n. The exciteable wave of carbonation that rises up and cascades over the glass when pouring a soft drink onto ice.

PERCALEVATE - (pur kayl' eh vate): v. To levitate oneself while trying to straighten out the bedsheets underneath.

PERCAMBULATE - (pur kam’ byew layt): v. The tendency of a fitted sheet to lose its grip and roll up the mattress.

PERCUBURP - (pur’ kyu burp): n. The final gasp a coffee percolator makes to alert you it is ready. (Outmoded sniglet)

PERMAPRESSION - (pur’ muh preh shun): n. The discovery that there is no real difference in the various cycles of your washing machine.

PERPHEW - (pur’ few): n. The overpowering aroma of a thousand colognes that assault you as you enter a department store.

PERPIDANKULAR - (pur pihd aynk’ ew lar: adj. The “parallel” method of lacing athletic shoes. (See also: DIANKULAR)

PETAPHOR - (pet’ uh fohr): n. Any descriptive phrase that includes an animal (“sick as a dog,” “crazy like a fox,” “slippery as an eel,” etc.).

PETONIC - (peh ton’ ik): adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

PETRIBAR - (pet’ rih bar): n. Any sun-bleachd prehistoric candy that has been sitting in the window of a vending machine for too long.

PETRIDENT - (peh' try dent): n. Old sticks of gum found at the bottom of a woman's purse.

PETROOL - (pet’ rool): n. The slow, seemingly endless strand of motor oil at the end of the can.

PETROULETTE - (pet roo let'): n. The risky game of driving about with your fuel guage below empty.

PEWTONE - (pyu tohn’): n. The major atmospheric component of towns with paper mills.

PEXZOOT - (pek zoot'): n. The small piece of lid that the can opener always passes over.

PHILOPOLOGIST - (fil ah pahl’ ah jist): n. A specialist who loads people onto amusement rides.

PHISTEL - (fis’ tuhl): n. The brake pedal on the passenger side of the car that you wish existed when you’re riding with a lunatic.

PHONESIA - (foh nee’ zyuh): n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as that person answers.

PHOSFLINK - (fos’ flink: v. To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out as if this will miraculously bring it back to life.

PHOTARD - (foh’ tard): n. Any oversized head in a high school yearbook, the result of not being present on photo day.

PHOTOYOKEL - (foh toh yoh’ kul): n. A person who presses the wrong button on a film camera, causing it to dismantle and expose the roll.

PHOZZLE - (fah’ zuhl): n. The buildup of dust on a record needle.

PIEBREAKERS - (py' bray kurz): n. The "waves" on the top of a meringue pie.

PIELIBRIUM - (py lih’ bree uhm): n. The point at which the crust on a wedge of pie outweighs the filling and tips it over.

PIELIGNMENT - (py lyn' ment): n. When eating pie, arranging it so that the pointed end is in line with one's chest.

PIEPUSHERS - (py’ puh shurz): n. Attendants at fast-food restaurants who, no matter what you order, try to unload apple or cherry turnovers on you.

PIEWAGON - (py’ way gun): n. The small vehicle that carries game pieces around a Trivial Pursuit board.

PICKLETTULANCE - (pik uhl et’ yoo lans): n. The ability to remember the entire family’s order at a fast-food restaurant.

PIFFLESQUIT - (pif’ uhl skwit): n. The wire net, or “harness”, surrounding the cork of a champagne bottle.

PIGGLYPHOBIA - (pig lee foh bee’ uh): n. The fear that everyone suspects you of shoplifting when you try to leave a store without having purchased anything.

PIGSLICE - (pig’ slys): n. The last unclaimed slice of pizza that everyone is secretly dying for.

PILLSBURGLAR - (pilz’ burg lur): n. A person able to sample the icing on a newly frosted cake without leaving a fingerprint.

PITJUDICE - (pit’ jew dis): n. The paranoia that any breed of dog you cannot immediately recognize is a deadly pit bull.

PIYAN - (py’ an): n. (acronym: “Plus If You Act Now”) Any miscellaneous item thrown in on a late night television ad. (Example: a pitchman trying to sell an all-purpose carving knife . . . “it’s the only knife you’ll ever need. Plus if you act now, this complete set of steak knives . . .”)

PLACEBASE - (pluh see' bays): n. Any item used as a base in a baseball game during an equipment shortage, such as a rock, a cardboard box or a large turtle.

PLADONIUM - (play’ doh nee uhm): n. The unique smell of new Play-Doh that almost tempts one to eat it.

PLASTIPAPERPLEXION - (plas tih pay pur plek’ shun): n. Inability to decide whether to choose paper or plastic, often resolved by settling for paper bags inside plastic ones.

POCKALANCHE - (pahk’ uh lanch): n. Perpetual action of reaching down to pick up an item fallen from a shirt pocket, only to have another item fall out.

POINT BLIMFARK - (poynt blim’ fark): n. The point at which the wheels on a stagecoach appear to turn in the opposite direction.

POLARIND - (poh’ luh’ rind): n. The peeling on an instant Polaroid snapshot.

POMOMADE - (pa' mom ayd): n. Emergency grooming product (active ingredient: saliva) used by mothers to smooth kids' hair.

PONUNDRUMS - (poh' nun' drumz): n. Those strange green mailboxes that are completely sealed off, the insides of which no civilian has ever witnessed.

POPTROOPERS - (pahp' trew purz): n. Kernels that leap over the side of the container onto the counter as the popcorn is being purchased.

POTENTATER - (poh' ten tay tur): n. The largest french fry in the bag. (See also MINUTATER.)

PORCELATOR - (pawr’ suh lay tawr): n. The “emergency” drainage hole near the rim of a bathroom sink placed there to prevent overflow.

PORKUS NON GRATIS - (por’ kus non graht’ is): n. The scraggly piece of bacon at the bottom of the package.

POSICRO - (pah’ sih kro): n. The magnetic or “charged” strip of Velcro. (ant. NEUCRO (new’ kro): n. The negative or “uncharged strip of Velcro to which Posicro adheres.)

POSTALPORTS - (poh’ stuhl pawrtz): n. The annoying cellophane windows in business envelopes that never line up with the address.

PREMADERCI - (pree muh dayr’ chee): n. The act of saying goodbye to someone, then running into him again moments later (usually accompanied by a lame quip such as “you following me?”).

PREMAIL - (pree’ mayl): n. Mail that is placed behind the visor in the car and is left for several months before it’s finally sent.

PREMALOOMA - (prem ah loo' mah): n. Any piece of aluminum foil that comes off the roll looking like the state of Nevada.

PREMBLEMEMBLEMATION - (prem blum em blum ay’ shun): v. Upon depositing a letter in a postal service mailbox, re-checking to make sure it’s gone all the way down.

PREMODEMOLITIONITION - (pree' mo deh mo lih shun ih shun): n. When the car ahead of you pulls too far out into the intersection, backs up, and you know that they haven't put the car into forward gear and will probably very shortly plow into you.

PRESSTENTIVE - (pres ten’ tiv): n. The one, dog-eared newspaper that’s been passed around the entire coffee shop.

PRETZALINE - (pret zah leen’): n. The salt deposit at the bottom of a bag of pretzels.

PRIMPO - (prim’ poh): n. A person who passes by a mirror, then has to step back, presumably to reassure himself that he still exists.

PROFANITYPE - (proh fan’ ih type): n. The special symbols used by cartoonists to replace curse words (points, asterisks, stars, and so on). It is yet to be determined which specific character represents which specific expletive.

P-SPOT - (pee’ spaht): n. The area directly above the urinal in public restrooms that men stare at, knowing a glance in any other direction would arouse suspicion.

PSYCHOPHOBIA - (sy koh’ foh’ bee yuh): n. The compulsion, when using a host’s bathroom, to peer behind the shower curtain to make sure no one is waiting for you.

PUKETORIALS - (pewk’ tohr ee uhlz): n. The lush photographs and “serving suggestions” offered by frozen dinner manufacturers in an attempt to make the product inside seem more palatable.

PULPID - [puhl’ pid): n. A child who enjoys the package or carton more than the item that came in it.

PULPSQULPGULP - (pawlp' skawlp gawlp): v. To slurp the grapefruit juice straight from the bowl in which it's served and abandon all civility.

PULPULARITY - (puhl pyew lahr’ ih tee): n. Molecular property of newspaper clippings that allows them to tear evenly from north to south but jaggedly east to west.

PUNTIFICATE - (puhn tih’ fih kayt): v. To try to predict in what direction a football will bounce.

PUPSQUEAK - (puhp’ skweek): n. The sound a yawning dog emits when it opens its mouth too wide.

PURCILIOUS - (per sil' ee yus): adj. The manner in which a man holds his wife's pocketbook in public, as if it contained some odious matter.

PUPKUS - (pup’ kus): n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to the surface.

PURPITATION - (pur pih tay’ shun): v. To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you don’t want it, then deposit it elsewhere, in another section.

PUSHOPATHIC - (puh' sho path' ik): adj. Having the secret urge to expedite the person ahead of you through a revolving door.

PUZZ - (puz): n. The “lint” that accumulates at the bottom of a jigsaw puzzle box.

PYRAMONSTER - (pie' ruh mon stur): n. That thing with one big eye on the back of a one dollar bill.

Q-SPICIOUS - (kew’ spih shus): adj. Examining a cotton swab immediately after us to make sure your brain isn’t attached to it.

QUADRIPHOBIA - (kwa dri foh' bee yuh): n. The fear of approaching a four-way stop sign and not knowing "who goes next."

QUANTATO - (kwahn tay’ toh): n. Any french fry so overloaded with ketchup that it has to be suspended above and then lowered into one’s mouth.

RADIOLIMBO - (ray dee oh lim’ boh): n. Long expanses of interstate highway where it is impossible to pick up any FM radio broadcasts except livestock reports.

RADIOPORKTIVITY - (ray' dee oh pork tiv' uh tee): n. The rainbows that form in two-week-old packaged meats.

RAGPOLE - (rayg’ pohl): n. The bamboo pole to which library newspapers are attached.

RAMPRIOT - (ramp’ ry uht): n. Free-for-all that erupts as soon as the stewardess utters the phrase “please remain in your seats until the plane has come to a complete stop.”

RAYCOON - (ray’ kewn): n. Any person who falls asleep while sunbathing with shades on and achieves a “masked” appearance.

RAZOR BAKUS - (ray’ zur bak’ us): v. Tightening one’s jaw like Mr. Howell from “Gilligan’s Island” in order to get a closer shave.

RE - (ar’ ee): n. The white filling in an Oreo cookie.

RECOGILOG - (re kog' ih log): n. The list inside of a library book that you always check to see if you recognize anyone else who's wasted time reading it.

REEDGES - (reed’ jez): n. The distinctive ridges on a Reese’s peanut butter cup.

RELED - (ree led’): v. To reset all the digital clocks in the household following a power outage.

REMOTANT - (ree moh' tant): n. Any alien creature who suddenly appears in the background of a news or feature report.

RESIDUDES - (rez' ih doodz): n. Those old men you always see sitting around the lobbies of cheap hotels.

RETINUS PIGMENTOASTUS - (reh' tih nus pig men tos' tus): n. The condition of being misled by the tinted window on a toaster oven into thinking something is "done."

RETRACTABEEPING - (ree trak’ tuh bee ping): v. Explaining to another driver, via a series of frantic hand gestures, that you honked by accident.

RETROCARBONIC - (ret roh kar bahn’ ik): n. Any vending machine that dispenses the beverage before the cup.

REYULERATE - (re yew' lur ayt): v. To reposition Christmas tree lights so that no two of the same colors are beside each other.

RICEROACH - (rys’ rohch): n. The burnt Krispie in every bowl of Rice Krispies.

RIGNITION - (rig nih’ shun): n. The embarrassing action of trying to start one’s car with the engine already running.

RINFRAKS - (rin’ fraks): n. The small pile of broken cones at an ice cream shop.

RINGS OF RATH AND KAHN - (ringz' uhv rath' and kahn): n. The mysterious red rings encircling some sliced balognas.

RINTINABULATION - (rin tin ab yoo lay' shun): n. The telltale jingle of your dog's I.D. tags that offer advance warning before overenthusiastic greetings.

ROCKTOSE - (rok’ tohs): n. The hard lumps that block the pouring spouts of sugar dispensers.

ROEBINKS - (roh’ binks): n. Those mysterious chimes you always hear when entering small boutiques and corner stores.

ROGERLAND - (rah' jer land): n. The netherworld from which highway patrolmen suddenly materialize.

ROHRSHIRT - (roar’ shurt): n. A shirt with an ink stain on the pocket.

ROOMSKILLETS - (rewm’ skil litz): n. Giant eight-ounce keys handed out by some hotels.

RORT - (rort): n. The item in the copier left behind by the previous user which you sometimes also copy because sooner or later the information will come in handy and you will be the hero.

ROTISSERATE - (roh tis' sur ayt): v. The act of turning over to even out one's suntan.

ROTOCORONETIC - (roh toh cah roh net' ik): n. A person who eats corn on the cob in an up and down or "column" style. (See also SMITHCORONETIC.)

ROVALERT - (roh’ vah lurt): n. The system whereby one dog can quickly establish an entire neighborhood network of barking.

ROVERGENCE - (roh vur' jens): n. The endearing quality of wet dogs to get as close to a human being as possible before shaking themselves dry.

RUBBAGE - (ruh’ bij): n. Large pieces of truck tire found on the sides of highways.

RUBUNCLES - (roo’ bunk ulz): n. The bumps on an uncooked chicken.

RUMPHUMP - (rump' hump): n. The seat on the school bus directly over the rear wheel.

SACRIJIGGLE - (sak rih jig' gul): v. Rustling the church offering plate without actually contributing.

SAIFWAIF - (sayf’ wayf): n. The abandoned, half-filled shopping cart seen in a supermarket aisle, apparently left by someone who was only “pretending” to be shopping.

SANIRIZE - (sah' nih ryz): n. The uncanny and embarrasing property of feminine products to defy gravity and float to the top of a woman's purse, making itself plainly visible to all upon entering.

SARK - (sark): n. The marks left on one’s ankle after wearing tube socks all day.

SCADINK - (skad’ ink): n. The annoying buildup of ink on the end of a ballpoint pen.

SCANNICPANIC - (skan' ik pan' ik): v. The act of tearing apart an entire living room in search of the television remote control instead of simply walking over and manually turning on the TV.

SCANOOT - (skah noot'): v. The quick scan and removal of embarassing items (photos, empty Ben & Jerry's containers, People magazine, etc.) when clearing off the car seat for a passenger.

SCHLATTWHAPPER - (shlat’ hwap pur): n. Any window shade that allows itself to be pulled down before hesitating momentarily, then snapping back up in your face.

SCHLITZSTOP - (shlits' stop): n. The one player in amateur softball games who always thinks he can handle his position and a beer at the same time.

SCHNUFFEL - (shnuf’ uhl): n. A dog’s practice of continuously nuzzling your crotch in front of guests.

SCHWIGGLE - (shwih’ guhl): n. The amusing rotation of one’s bottom while manually sharpening a pencil.

SCORBAGE - (skor bahj): n. Wadded up trash hurled toward the wastebasket from across the room.

SCOTCHROTOR - (skoch' roh tur): n. The wheel left behind when all the cellophane tape is used up.

SCRABITCH - (skrab’ ich): n. The impossible-to-reach area in the middle of the back that can never be scratched.

SCRATCHTASY - (skrach’ tuh see): n. The state of euphoria attained when scratching an itch.

SCRIBBLICS - (skrih’ bliks): n. Warm-up exercises designed to get the ink in a pen flowing.

SCRIBLINE - (skrib’ lyn): n. The blank area on the back of credit cards where one’s signature goes.

SCRIT - (skrit): n. Anything that’s been in the same place for at least fifty years without being used, such as the archaic bottles of hair tonic on a barber’s counter.

SEALYWHEELIE - (see' lee wee lee): n. The startled reaction when you turn over in bed and realize there's no more bed in that direction.

SECOND OILPINION [TO GET A] - (seh' kund oyl pin' yun): v. To check a dipstick, wipe it off, then recheck the level because you never "trust" it the first time.

SENTIMUCK - (sen’ tih muk): n. The gloopy feeling you get when you see a newly married couple aggressively stuffing cake into each other’s face.

SERVELENCE - (surv’ lents): n. The sudden lull in dinner conversation that occurs at a table of diners when the food is served.

SHIELDSNUGGLING - (sheeld' snug ling): n. A widely held childhood belief (often carried into adulthood) that by pulling all bedcovers closely around the body as possible, one will be immune from ghosts, goblins, burglars, etc.

SHIRTLOP - (shurt’ lahp): n. The asthetic condition of a shirt that has been improperly buttoned.

SHOCKLET - (shahk’ lit): n. The third hole on an electrical outlet that, until recent years, was a mystery to all.

SHOECIDE - (shew’ syd): n. One shoe, its partner nowhere to be seen, lying abandoned in the road.

SHOEFLY - (shoo’ fly): n. The aeronautical terminology for a football player who misses the punt and launches his shoe instead.

SHOWERSHROUD - (show' ur shrowd): n. Those hotel shower curtains that inexplicably wrap themselves around you as you shower.

SHRIMPEDIMENT - (shrim’ ped ih ment): n. The point on a shrimp’s tail that you cannot eat past.

SHUGGLEFTULATION - (shug left yoo lay’ shun): n. The actions of two people approaching, trying to maneuver around each other, and muttering a lame quip such as “thanks for the dance.”

SHURP - (shurp): v. Holding your own breath when a character in a television show or movie submerges himself in water.

SHUSS SHOCK - (shus shahk): n. The sensation of still wearing skis on your feet several hours after having removed them.

SHUZMA - (shuhz’ muh): n. The portion of window cleaner that the spray tube can no longer reach.

SHWEE - (shwee): n. The sound made by a door opening on "Star Trek."

SILICANAPE - (sih lih kan’ uh pay): n. The little bag of silica gel found among stereo parts that is marked “do not eat.”

SIRLINES - (sur lynz): n. The lines on a grilled steak or hamburger.

SIZZLAGE - (siz' lij): n. The amount of skin one is willing to sacrifice while testing an iron to make sure it won't burn one's shirt.

SKIVLINES - (skiv' lynz): n. The red or blue lines around the waists of jockey shorts that make them resemble fine china.

SKYLIE - (sky’ ly): n. The phony backdrop of a city skyline you see on “David Letterman” and the “Tonight Show.”

SLACKJAM - (slak’ jam): n. The condition of being trapped in one’s own trousers while trying to pull them on without first removing shoes.

SLEEVDINI - (sleev dee' nee): n. A person who fights his or her way out of a shirt without first unbuttoning the cuffs.

SLOANTIME - (slown' tym): n. The difference between real time and the time displayed atop the bank.

SLOLO - (sloh' loh): n. A nickel or dime stranded in a twenty-five cent gumball slot.

SLOOPAGE - (sloop’ ij): n. The tendency of hot dogs, hamburger and sandwich contents to slip from between their covers.

SLOOPHAPPY - (slewp’ hap ee): adj. The condition of people on boats who feel compelled to wave at every landlocked person they pass.

SLOOVERS - (sloo' vurz): n. Remnants of soap too small to use but too big to throw away.

SLOPWEAVER - (slahp’ wee vur): n. Someone who has mastered the art of repositioning the food on his plate as to give the appearance of having consumed a good portion of it.

SLOTGREED - (slaht’ greed): n. The habit of checking every coin return one passes for change.

SLOTTERY AND VENDICATION - (slaht’ er ee and ven dih kay’ shun): n. A public misdemeanor in which a person gambles on a vending machine, loses, and tries to exact revenge by kicking it.

SLOVERTURE - (slow' vur chur): n. The distorted music which begins every educational movie.

SLURCH - (slerch): n. The combination “ouch” and slurping noise one makes when eyeing someone else’s bad sunburn.

SLURM - (slurm): n. The slime that accumulates on the undersides of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long.

SLURPEESLOPPY - (slur pee slah’ pee): adj. The style of attire worn to a convenience store after 11 P.M.

SLUTURES - (sloo’ churz): n. The four white threads that protrude from a pair of jeans after the tag has been removed.

SMITHCORONETIC - (smith koh roh net' ik): n. A person who eats corn on the cob in a left to right or "typewriter" style. (See also ROTOCORONETIC.)

SMOKEYPOKEY - (smo kee poh' kee): n. Inertia, or lack thereof, that overcomes cars when they suddenly encounter a highway patrolman.

SMOOK - (smewk): n. The flimsy paper stretched across the examination table at a doctor's office.

SMUGSTICKER - (smug' stih kur): n. The price tag that otherwise intelligent people leave on their new car window for months.

SNABBLE - (sna' bul): v. To attempt to use a Sniglet while playing Scrabble.

SNACKFRICTION - (snak frik' shun): n. The act of jiggling popcorn or M&M's in your hand before inserting them into your mouth, as if somehow this will "excite" them into into tasting better.

SNACKMOSPHERE - (snak’ moh sfeer): n. The empty but explosive layer of air at the top of a potato chip bag.

SNACKTIVITY - (snak tiv' ih tee): n. Any amusing table pastime (i.e. putting olives on the ends of one's fingers, "biting faces" into a slice of bread, etc.).

SNACTIONALS - (snak' shun ulz): n. The crumbled cookies at the bottom of the package eaten without guilt since only whole cookies contain calories.

SNARGLE - (snar’ gul): v. To lessen the visual impact of a horror movie by filtering it through one’s fingers.

SNATWHAP - (snat' hwap): v. To force the change in a bed partner's snoring pattern by delivering a knee-to-kidney thrust.

SNIFFLERIDGE - (snif’ uhl rij): n. The trough leading from the nose to the upper lip.

SNIPOCRIT - (snih poh’ krit): n. One who silently scrutinizes the hairdresser’s hair before deciding whether to turn his own head over to this person.

SNOCKER - (snok' ur): n. The coin that wedges itself sideways in a coin tube and backs everything up.

SNOOKUMDOODLES - (snook' um doo dul): n. Charity bake-sale items that go unpurchased because they were created and donated by a woman who owns no fewer than six cats.

SNOOTIQUETTE - (snoo’ tih keht): n. The act of upgrading one’s table manners in direct proportion to the prices on the menu.

SNORFING - (snorf’ ing): n. The little game waitresses love to play of waiting until your mouth is full before sneaking up and asking, “Is everything okay?”

SNOWLARPLEXUS - (snoh lur plek' sus): n. The part of the abdomen that sustains injury when you're shoveling snow and suddenly come to a rise in the sidewalk.

SNUGGAGE - (snuh’ gaj): n. The compulsory act of retying both shoestrings when only one needed it.

SOMNAMBAPOLOGIST - (som nam bah pahl’ uh jist): n. Person too polite to admit he was sleeping, even when awakened at three in the morning.

SONGLONGER - (song' long gur): n. A person who always sings ". . . and many moooore" at the end of the "Happy Birthday" song.

SPAGELLUM - (spah jel’ uhm): n. The loose strand on each forkful of spaghetti that beats one about the chin and whiskers.

SPAGMUMPS - (spayg’ mumpz): n. Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail order items.

SPALDRAWLS - (spawl' drahlz): n. Etched autographs in sports equipment that the manufacturers would like you to believe were personally carved by the athletes themselves.

SPECLUMS - (spek’ lumz): n. The minuscule bumps on a strawberry.

SPEEB - (speeb): n. The beeping noises made by construction or service vehicles when they are backing into reverse.

SPERAWS - (speer’ awz): n. The pinched marks on the ends of hot dogs.

SPIBBLE - (spib’ buhl): n. The metal barrier on a rotary telephone that prevents you from dialing past 0.

SPIROBITS - (spy’ roh bitz): n. The frayed bits of left-behind paper in a spiral notebook.

SPIRTLE - (spur’ tuhl): n. The fine stream of juice from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye.

SPLATFORM - (splat’ form) n. The step on a ladder boldly marked “THIS IS NOT A STEP.”

SPOOD - (spewd): n. The flat wooden “spoon” that accompanies ice cream cups.

SPORK - (spork): n. The combination spoon/fork utensil found in fast-food restaurants.

SPLATFALLEN - (splat' fahl len): adj. The state of secret disappointment that follows reaching the end of a traffic jam and not seeing blood, gore, overturned vehicles, scattered currency, or anything else spectacular enough to justify the delay.

SPRATCHETT - (spra’ chit): n. The rubber bar at a checkout counter that separates one load of groceries from the next.

SPROUT LINES - (sprowt lynz): n. Visible lines at the bottom of trouser legs where the hems have been let down.

SPRUCE SPRINGSTEENS - (sproos sprig’ steenz): n. Those pine-scented car fresheners resembling small trees that you sometimes see dangling from rearview mirrors. (See also: MIRRORABILIA)

SPUBBLING - (spub’ ling): v. The superhuman feat of trying to wash one’s hands and manipulate the “water saving” faucets at the same time.

SPUDPUDDLE - (spud pud' dul): n. The area cleared out beside a stack of fries for ketchup.

Give Props For This Entry (Quality Entry) [6] Edit this entry Delete this entry Comment on this entry (1 fleeps)
[Create Response Entry]
[public entry #4]

Sep 5, 2008 - 06:37 PM
Complete Sniglet Compendium Pt. 3
SPUDRUBBLE - (spud’ ruhb uhl): n. Unclaimed french fries at the bottom of the fast-food bag.

SPUMPSPEED - (spump' speed): n. The maximum velocity achieved between speed bumps before having to slow down again.

SQUADDLE - (skwah' dul): n. The stooped over position that an airline passenger in the window seat endures while waiting for the other passengers to disembark.

SQUAFFLES - (skwah’ felz): n. The individual squares comprising a waffle.

SQUAKEZE - (skwahk eez'): n. The language spoken by fast-food employees who take your order in the drive-through lane.

SQUALKEENUS - (skwal kee’ nus): n. The shock that comes from biting into a popsicle with one’s front teeth.

SQUANDERPRINT - (skwahn’ duhr print): n. Directions that try to make you use up a product faster than you normally would. (Ex.: Apply shampoo. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.)

SQUATCHO - (skwatch’ oh): n. The useless button at the top of a baseball cap.

SQUATFLECTION - (skwaht’ flek shun): n. The distorted reflection in a car window that makes you resemble a midget wrestler.

SQUATIC DIVERSION - (skwah’ tik dy vur’ zhun): n. Any pretended activity that commands a dog owner’s attention while the dog relieves itself on a neighbor’s lawn.

SQUEALLICIT - (swkee’ lih sit): v. To miss a freeway exit by a few feet and back up rather than continue forward to the next exit.

SQUIGGER - (skwig’ uhr): n. A cherry tomato that explodes upon contact with a fork.

SQUINCHOOING - (skwin chew' ing): v. To stare up at the sun in order to expedite a sneeze.

STATIGROOVIC - (sta tih groov’ ik): adj. The type of people who wait until they’re on the dance floor to begin dancing.

STEREOIDS - (stayr’ ee oydz): n. The mysterious packet included in some electronic product packages to keep them fresh.

STOCKNOSTIC - (stok nos' tik): n. A store clerk who makes a trip to the empty shelf to "see for himself" when you ask if there is more of a particular product in the storeroom.

STOPTIONAL - (stop' shun ul): n. Any stop sign in the middle of nowhere, to which no one pays any attention.

STRATEGIC TART LIMITATION - (stra tee’ jik tart lim ih tay’ shun): n. The compromise reached by two people who know they shouldn’t have dessert but are both secretly dying for it.

STROODLE - (stroo’ duhl): n. The annoying umbilicus of cheese that stretches from a slice of hot pizza to your mouth.

STRUMBLE - (strum’ buhl): n. That invisible object you always search for and pretend made you trip, when it was actually your own stupid clumsiness.

STURP - (sturp): v. To pin down a runaway piece of paper or currency with one’s foot before the wind blows it away.

SUBATOMIC TOASTICLES - (sub ah tom’ ik toh’ stik uhlz): n. Tiny fragments of toast left behind in the butter.

SUBNOUGATE - (sub noo’ gayt): v. To eat the bottom chocolates in a box and carefully replace the top level, hoping no one will notice.

SUBPARMA - (suhb par' muh): n. The second lid beneath the sliding top lid on a can of grated parmesan cheese.

SUBWAY SURFERS - (sub' way sur' furz): n. People on public transportation with the uncanny ability to maintain perfect balance without using the straps.

SUCCUBEEBISH - (suk yoo bee’ bish): n. The gelatinous substance found surrounding canned hams and Vienna sausages.

SUDSORIAN CALENDAR - (sudz oar' ee an ka' len dur): n. Calendar used on soap operas which allows one day's events to be stretched out over a four-week period.

SUITICIDE NOTES - soot’ ih syd noatz): n. Apologetic “We tried but . . .” notes found on articles of dry cleaning that you didn’t know were stained to begin with, consequently leading one to believe the dry cleaner probably created the stain themselves.

SUPERFLUHOLES - (soo pur floo’ hohlz): n. The phony holes on speaker covers, put there to match the ones that actually surround the speaker.

SURVOIDS - (sur' voydz): n. The irrational walking patterns made by shopping mall pedestrians attempting to avoid a person approaching with a clipboard.

SUZMOSIS - (suz moh' sis): n. The mysterious disappearance of dishwater even when the sink is stopped airtight.

SWANGLE - (swayn' gul): n. The degree of altitude at which the swinging child causes the legs of the swing set to leave the ground.

SWANTHRACITE - swan’ thrah syt): n. The part of a TV dinner or any frozen entree that remains semifrozen even after being microwaved for the recommended length.

SWATUSI - (swah' too' see): n. The little back-and-forth dance tennis players perform while waiting for the serve.

SWAZNA - (swahz’ nuh): n. The thin, disgusting membrane that connects the bottom of the tongue to the top of the jaw, presumably holding it in place.

SWEAT WURM - (swet' wurm): n. Any sweatpant drawstring that has retreated inside the waistband fabric and must be "fished" out.

SWIMSWANKY - (swim’ swank ee): adj. The superhuman ability of the watersliding victims on an airline safety card to stay dry and perfectly groomed.

SWURLEE - (swer' lee): n. A playground swing wrapped impossibly out of reach. (Not to be confused with the gradeschool intimidation technique of the same name.)

SYRAPORATION - (sur ap ur ray' shun): n. The strange disappearance of maple syrup immediately after pouring it onto flapjacks.

T-RATION - (tee' ra shun): v. To use less and less toilet paper as one nears the end of the roll.

TABLE SNORKELING - (tay’ buhl snawrk’ ling): n. Frantic gesticulations when one bites into hot or spicy food and has to take in air to cool it off.

TACANGLE - (tak' ayn gul): n. The position of one's head while biting into a hardshell taco.

TAJ MAHOLDERS - (tahzh mah hol’ durz): n. The plastic cups old ladies use to hold their quarters at casinos.

TATERCRATER - (tay' tur kray' tur): n. The hole dug into mashed potatoes to keep the gravy in.

TEARERIST - (tayr' ur ist): n. The person at the movie theatre whose only apparent function is to tear your ticket, leaving you with only half of what you once had.

TELECRASTINATION - (tel uh kras tih nay’ shun): n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before picking it up, even when you’re only six inches away.

TELEPRESSION - (tel uh preh’ shun): n. The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try hard enough to look a phone number up on your own, instead putting the burden on the directory assistant.

TELESUCKIE - (tel uh suk’ ee): v. The act of holding a non-cordless telephone receiver to one’s chest while dialing.

TELEVELOCITY - (teh leh veh la' sih tee): n. The speed at which one hurls himself toward the telephone before the answering machine comes on.

TELLETIQUETTE - (tel et’ ih ket): n. The polite distance kept by one person behind another at an automatic teller machine (so as not to be suspected of trying to glimpse that person’s secret code).

TELOUSTIC - (tel oo’ stik): adj. The tendency for people to shout into the phone when calling long-distance.

TEMPTELLIGENCE - (temp tell' ih jens): n. The ability of a Thermos bottle to figure out whether something should be kept hot or cold.

TERMA HELPER - (tur' mah hel' pur): n. The extra verbage one uses to stretch a 600 word essay to the required 1,000.

TERRORNESIA - (tehr ur nee' zyuh): n. The panic induced by introducing two people to each other and suddenly forgetting one (or both) of their names.

TESTERNMENT - (tes turn' ment): v. To bury one's paper in the middle of a stack to postpone the inevitable embarassment.

TESTLICE - (test’ lys): n. Those tiny bugs that invade your hair when you’re taking an exam.

TESTPIRATE - (test pur’ ayt): v. To emit a big gush of air from one’s lungs after turning in an exam.

TEXAS SEE-SAW MASSACRE - (teks' us see' saw mas' uh kur): n. When the other person bails off a teeter-totter at the base, causing you to slam mercilessly to the ground.

THERMABUNIFEROUS - (thur muh bun if' ur us): adj. The unexplainable property of your favorite chair feeling "hot" after someone else has been sitting in it, even though everyone's body temperature is supposedly the same.

THERMALOPHOBIA - (thur muh loh foh’ bee yuh): n. The fear when showering that someone will sneak in, flush the toilet, and scald you to death.

THERNOT (thur’ naht): n. The cardboard rod on a hanger that prevents creasing in pants.

THREEK - (threek): n. A fork with a bent tine.

THRICKLE - (thrik’ uhl): n. The itch in the back of the throat which cannot be scratched without making disgusting barnyard-type noises.

THRIFT SHOCK - (thrihft shahk): n. The act of spotting one’s previously owned items at a Salvation Army.

THRUB - (thrub): n. The small web of skin between the thumb and index finger that makes us 0.0005% amphibian.

THWARTHEAD - (thwoart' hed): n. Any bolt or screw that resists manipulation due to the lack of a correspondingly sized wrench or screwdriver.

THWOCKBISCUITS - (thwok bis' kitz): n. Biscuits initially prepared by smacking the container against the edge of the counter.

TIBIAFIBULATE - (tih bee uh fih' yoo layt): v. When sporting a cast or visible injury, constantly having to recount the story of "how it happened" (thus leading one to bold "embellishments").

TICKIDIOCY - (tik ih’ dee oh see): n. The period of self-loathing that immediately follows “thanking” a police officer for a speeding ticket.

TIEFRIGHT - (ty’ fryt): n. The fear that no matter which way you turn the twist-tie on a loaf of bread, it is the wrong direction.

TILE COMET - (tyl kahm’ it): n. Any streamer of tissue attached to your heel as you emerge from a public restroom.

TIMEFOOLERY - (tym foo' lur ee): v. Setting your watch five to ten minutes ahead in an effort to be more punctual.

TIREQUILLS - (tyr’ kwilz): n. The small rubbery protrusions on new tires.

TOASTATE - (tohs’ tayt): v. To impatiently pop toast up and down in the toaster, thus increasing the likelihood of burning it.

TOASTIPHOBIA - (toh stih foh' bee yuh): n. The fear of inserting one's fork into the toaster even when the toaster is unplugged, because, somehow, the toaster "remembers."

TODLITTER - (tod' lit ur): n. Food debris beneath a high chair following an attempted feeding.

TOILET TOUPEE - (toy’ lit too pay’): n. Any shag carpet toilet cover that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus creating an endless annoyance to male users.

TOLLOAF - (tohl’ ohf): v. Missing a toll basket as you drive through, then having to exit the car, retrieve the coins and try again.

TONKATIVE - (tawnk’ uh tiv): adj. When a child makes up his own soundtrack to accompany the miniature cars he’s playing with on the floor.

TOOLCENTRIC - (tewl sen’ trik): adj. Describes any tool that, when dropped, rolls to the exact center of the car’s underside.

TRAFALSE - (truh fuls'): n. Nebulous symbol used by unscrupulous students on true/false exams in hopes that the teacher is either very lenient or terribly nearsighted.

TRAFFILAPSE - (traf' ih laps): n. The immeasurable amount of time between the moment the stoplight changes and the jerk behind you starts blowing his horn.

TRASHGAUNTLETS - (trash gawnt' litz): n. Any set of work gloves reserved for the sole purpose of taking out the garbage and bringing the cans in again.

TRIDECKPICK - (try dek’ pik): n. A miniature sword or similar device used to hold a sandwich together.

TRITZ - (tritz): n. The holes in a Saltine cracker.

TRUFFITI - (truh fee' tee): n. Washing instructions found on the backs of dirty trucks.

TUBLOIDS - (tuhb' loydz): n. Any periodical reserved for bathroom readings.

TUBSWIZZLE - (tub’ swih zuhl): v. To slide oneself back and forth in the bathtub in order to mix the too-hot water with the cooler water.

TUNAR - (too' nar): n. Sonarlike device in cat food tins that, when opened, causes the immediate materialization of cat(s).

TUPPERWARP - (tuh' pur warp): n. The condition of having left Tupperware in the microwave too long.

TUPPERZOID - (tuh’ pur zoyd): n. The mysterious monster who enters the dishwasher during the cycle to melt spatula handles and plastic bowls.

TURFIGEE AND PEDIGEE - (tur’ fih jee and ped’ ih jee): n. The two extreme points of a rotary lawn sprinkler, TURFIGEE being the safest point at which to walk past, PEDIGEE being the most dangerous.

TWIDCLIPPING - (twid' klip ing): v. To succumb to boredom at the office and bend a perfectly good paperclip into a shape that is completely useless.

TWINCH - (twinch): n. The movement a dog makes with its head when it hears a high-pitched noise.

TWINKIDUE - (twin’ kee dew): n. The residue on the inside of the wrapper that every junk food addict eventually gets to.

TYLEXIC - (ty leks’ ik): adj. The awkward stranglehold position one is forced to adopt when trying to help a child knot a necktie.

UCLIPSE - (yew’ klips): n. The dangerous arc into another lane made by drivers just before executing a turn.

UFLUATION - (yoo floo ay’ shun): n. The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.

UHFAGE - (uff’ ij): n. The unit for determining a television’s age, that is, the amount of time it takes for the picture to appear once the set has been turned on.

UHFLAW - (yoo' flaw): n. The one television in a bank of television sets at the appliance store that is tuned to a different channel than the rest.

ULTIMATO - (ul tih may' toh): n. The choice of eating your vegetables or going to bed without supper.

UMBILINKUS - (uhm bih link’ us): n. The tiny appendage at the end of a link sausage.

UMBRACE - (uhm’ brays): n. The small strap that holds an umbrella closed in place.

UMBROGLIO - (um brol' yoh): n. Any conflict with an umbrella on a windy day.

UNCLE BEN’S RABIES - (unk’ uhl benz ray’ beez): n. The cascade created when one adds rice to boiling water.

UNDERBERGER - (un dur bur' gur): n. Someone who lifts the bun from the top of his hamburger and surveys the contents before taking the first bite.

UNDERHOODIST - (un dur hood’ ist): n. A service station attendant with a genius for locating hood latches.

UNDERWONDER - (un’ dur wun dur): n. That “knowing” feeling you get when carrying an armload of laundry that causes you to turn around and see a trail of dropped underwear.

UNFARE - (un fayr’): n. The three dollars you owe the taxi driver before you’ve even moved a foot.

UNIPEA - (yew’ nih pee): n. A peanut with only one compartment.

UNIPUKER - (yoo' nih' pew kur): n. The hapless guy riding solo in a roller coaster car. (See also: UPCHUCKEES.)

UPCHUCKEES - (up chuk eez'): n. The couple directly behind the unipuker. (See also: UNIPUKER.)

UPULS - (yoo’ pulz): n. The blank pages at the ends of books, presumably placed there so you can rewrite the endings.

URMOMMERIZE - (yer mom' mer eyez): v. To attempt to decipher exactly what an upset coach is mouthing on television.

VACATION ELBOW - (vay kay’ shun el’ boh): n. A condition that suddenly develops in a father’s arm during a family outing that allows him to reach out and slap a child from incredible distances.

VACUBEAM - (vak' yew beem): n. The useless headlight on a vacuum cleaner.

VEGAS VASELINE - (vay’ gas vas’ eh leen): n. The invisible product that seasoned tippers use to slip a gratuity into a maitre d’s palm without showing any green whatsoever.

VEGELUDES - (vej’ eh loodz): n. Individual peas or kernels of corn that you end up chasing all over the plate.

VEGEMAT - (vej' uh mat): n. The green (or brown) leaf of lettuce that supports a lump of JELL-O or cottage cheese.

VENDOMETRIC - (ven doh meh’ trik): n. A person who inserts his change into a vending machine according to size (dimes, nickels, quarters).

VENDOVALUEIST - (ven doh vayl’ yew ist): n. A person who inserts his change into a vending machine according to value (nickels, dimes, quarters).

VERTEBRATRAMATRACIDE - (vur' teh brat ruh mat' ruh syd): n. The act of intentionally stepping on cracks in the sidewalk to see if one's mother suffers incidental spinal damage.

VIDEO K. CORRAL - (vid’ ee oh kay korh’ ayl): n. The “gunslinger” feeling one gets while armed with a VCR remote in one hand and a TV channel remote in the other.

VOITLOCK - (voyt’ lahk): n. When the basketball gets lodged between the rim and the backboard.

VOLTAGRAM - (vohlt’ uh gram): n. The miniature maps inside tape players that show how the batteries should be arranged.

VULCANT - (vuhl’ kant): n. The stale air that emanates from a deflating tire.

WAFTIC - (wahf’ tik): adj. Describes any person in whose direction campfire or barbecue smoke always blows.

WAISTENATE - (way’ sten ayt): v. To silently calculate the human tonnage in an elevator to determine if it has exceeded the weight limit.

WALDUST - (wal' dust): n. The powder that sticks to you when you lean against a white wooden house.

WAMBLIE - (wahm' blee): n. A pair of pliers or vicegrips that has been readjusted to the "crippled" mode.

WARBLOID - (war’ bloyd): n. The tiny device in cassette players and VCRs that eats tapes.

WASHINGTON ABRAHAM - (wash' ing tun ay' bra ham): n. Our nation's most unidentifiable president, the one that appears as a facsimile on the instructions of a change machine.

WATTBOBBLE - (waht’ bah buhl): v. To remove a hot light bulb by turning it several times, letting your fingers cool, then repeating the process. This is generally followed by the glorious revelation of using your shirttail.

WAVOIDS - (way' voydz): n. People who bob up and down in the ocean trying to stay dry above the waist.

WENDENSITY - (wen den' sih tee): n. The method of guaging an area's population solely by the number of visible fast-food outlets.

WERDLE - (wurd’ uhl): v. To lean over the edge of a train or subway platform in search of the oncoming vehicle.

WERDLEMASS - (wurd’ uhl mas): n. An entire group of people leaning over a train or subway platform.

WERXILATION - (wurks uhl ay’ shun): n. The property of some screen doors to start to slam shut only to catch themselves at the last moment and “float” to a gentle close.

WESEENEMS - (wee see' numz): n. Recreational vehicles plastered with state national parks and American flag decals.

WHATLET - (hwot let): n. Any electrical plate on the wall with no holes and consequently, no purpose whatsoever.

WILY’S LAW - (wy’ leez law): n. The only known exception to Newton’s Law of Gravity, Wily’s Law states that an animal or person cam suspend himself in midair provided (a) he is in a cartoon, and (b) he doesn’t look down and become aware that he is no longer on the ground.

WIMBLEDOWN - (wim buhl’ down: n. The fuzz on a tennis ball.

WINDNESTY - (wind’ nest ee): n. The belief that if a parking ticket placed between your wiper and your windshield is blown away, you’re not responsible for paying it.

WIPERCUSSION - (wy per kuh’ shun): n. The phenomenon of one’s windshield wipers keeping perfect time with the song on the radio.

WISHAIR - (wish' ayr): n. The deep breath taken just before one blows out the candles on the birthday cake.

WISHUSCRIBBLE - (wish' you skrib ul): n. Writing style one adopts when trying to stay within the designated spaces of a postcard.

WISKAGE - (wis’ kaj): n. The gravitational property that causes clothes to stick to the outside of the drum well after the spin cycle has concluded.

WITLAG - (wit' layg): n. The amount of time between the delivery and comprehension of a joke.

WOB - (wahb): n. The long, weary walk up the aisle at the end of a movie.

WONDRACIDE - (wun’ drah syd): n. The act of murdering a piece of bread with a knife and cold butter.

WOOWAD - (wew’ wahd): n. Giant clumps of stuck-together rice served at Chinese restaurants.

WORKER’S MOON - (wur’ kurz moon): n. The true international symbol of “men at work.”

WRANKLING - (rang' kling): v. The unnerving habit mothers have of gingerly unwrapping and refolding the paper on a gift to save for later use.

WRIGLIMORTIS - (rig lee mohr' tis): n. The effect of a cold drink on a piece of chewing gum.

WURBLET - (wur’ blit: n. The line of moisture on one’s trousers that comes from leaning against a wet counter in a public restroom.

WUJECTIVE - (woo’ jek tiv): n. Any word consisting of a prefix and a nonexisting baseword (e.g. nonplussed and redundant).

XEROXPOX - (zee’ roks poks): n. Skin disease of copier paper, characterized by the appearance of large black, powdery blotches.

XIIDIGITATION - (ksy dij ih tay’ shun): v. Trying to determine the year a movie was filmed by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.

XIXELS - (ziks' ulz): n. The lines above and below a string of Roman numerals that keep them from scattering all over the place.

YABBADYNAMICS - (yab’ uh dy nam iks): n. Propulsive force that enables Fred Flintstone to power a stone automobile with just his feet.

YACHTCHOTSKIS - (yaht chaht’ skeez): n. Ornamental naval etchings you always see on the buttons of a man’s blazer.

YAFFLING - (yah' fling): v. Speaking loudly to foreigners as if, somehow, this makes you easier to understand.

YARDRIBBONS - (yard rib’ bunz): n. The unmowed patches of grass discovered after one has put away the lawnmower.

YARDSCHTICK - (yard' shtik): n. Lame quips and rejoinders that neighbors exchange when they see each other in the backyard (i.e., "When you get finished with your yard, how about doing mine? Ha ha. . .," etc.).

YARDYUTZ - (yard’ yutz): n. Any homeowner who builds a circular driveway in front of a two-bedroom house in an attempt to impress the neighbors.

YEARAGOSTATS - (yeer' uh goh stats): n. The part of a forecast that tells you what the weather was like one year ago so that you'll feel even more miserable.

YINKEL - (yin’ kul): n. A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice.

YORANGE - (yawr’ anj): n. Those disgusting white threads that hang from an orange after it has been peeled. (Note to poets: your prayers have been answered!)

YOTATE - (yoh’ tayt): v. To allow a yo-yo to unwind itself.

YULEBLECK - (yool' blek): n. The mysterious green stuff that appears in holiday fruitcakes all across America.

YUMP - (yump): v. To punch one's glove in anticipation of an arriving baseball.

ZEBBITS - (zeb' itz): n. Those bizzare fireplace tools whose function no one seems able to explain.

ZEBRALANE - (zee’ bruh layn): n. The striped area between the interstate and the turnoff lane where cars go when drivers can’t decide what to do next.

ZEEPT - (zeept): n. The accumulation of dead insects around an electric bug zapper.

ZERBLOT - (zur’ blaht): n. The last kid picked in any neighborhood sporting event.

ZERO POPTARTULATION - (zee' roh pop tar' you lay shun): n. The outer part of the Pop Tart where no frosting or filling can be found, just tasteless crust.

ZIBULA - (zih’ byoo luh): n. The plastic spine to which model car parts come attached.

ZIPCUFFED - (zip’ kuft): v. To be trapped in one’s trousers by a faulty zipper.

ZILLA TRAPS - (zil' uh trapz): n. Those giant metal structures in which science fiction movie monsters inevitably find their feet tangled.

ZIMETER - (zih’ mee tur): n. The last four or five inches of tape measure that never rewind automatically.

ZIPPIJIG - (zih' pih jig): n. The dance one performs whenever a rubberband is pointed at them.

ZIPPLE - (zih’ puhl): n. A broken tab on a beer or soda can whose absence prevents the can from being opened.

ZIZZEBOTS - (zih’ zeh botz): n. The marks on the bridge of one’s nose, visible when the eyeglasses are removed.

ZYXNOID - (ziks’ noyd): n. Any word that a crossword puzzler makes up to complete the last blank, accompanied by the rationalization that there probably is an ancient god named Ubbbu, or German river named Wfor, and besides, who’s going to check?

Give Props For This Entry (Quality Entry) [9] Edit this entry Delete this entry Comment on this entry (0 fleeps)
[Create Response Entry]
[public entry #3]

Aug 31, 2008 - 12:24 AM
I Have Written A Wonderful Sentence.
This might literally be the worst sentence ever written. It came to me as I was writing an e-mail to a friend from college.

Let me take a moment so that the awesomeness of this concept can wash over you like that special feeling you get when it's your turn to have your hair checked for lice.

It's so tastelessly great that I cannot stop smiling.

Give Props For This Entry (Quality Entry) [13] Edit this entry Delete this entry Comment on this entry (3 fleeps)
[Create Response Entry]
[public entry #2]

Aug 18, 2008 - 08:35 PM
For Those Interested, Update on GFF Mole

I'm still working on this. It's not something that can be run frequently, so I'm aiming to make it a singular experience of high quality. This means that all the elements must be ready to go before the game begins, no designing fifty percent on the fly.

I've concluded that I'll need to create an entirely new usergroup for this, one with a fair number of restrictions. With plans for twelve players, there will be twelve dupe accounts created. I'll assign one to each player.
Each account will be restricted to the Mole forum, whatever it's called. The next part is where it gets trickier. Because I want to minimize the risk of meddling from the outside, all players will be anonymous. Each account will bear a name but aside from me and that player, nobody else will know who's using it.

Further, each account will have limited Journal and PM access. This is where I will likely need Chz or Bigblah's assistance. I want players to be able to communicate with each other, and take private notes, but to have these features remain hidden from the rest of the board. If need be, Journal entries can simply be made private. But the PM thing is a must, as I don't need spoilers coming from outside the game.

The other reason for the dupe accounts is that I don't want to deny players access to GFF. Several years ago, NYRSkate did a Survivor game and participants were sequestered to one subforum. Granted, the whole premise of Survivor is seclusion, but Skate became increasingly inattentive and players became angry when his absences forced them to idle without purpose. I'm not going to repeat that.

I've already completed a handful of games, but the kinds of games that will work via internet forum are limited. They need to make people work together, yet allow for players to individually choose whether to aid or sabotage. Not as simple as it sounds. A lot of them will have to involve visuals - images and/or words. I'm trying to keep the games as variated as possible but forgive me if there's occasionally a thematic overlap.

I've decided that the end prize will be a gift card to something like Amazon. It will begin at a set amount, and all points earned in the games will increase the final value of the card. So if no games are won, the winner walks away with, say, a $50 card. But if a lot of games are won, then the value could double. That could be a few games, some DVDs, t-shirts, electronics, whatever you like. It's worth playing for, I think.

That's where it stands. Not taking sign-ups or anything yet. I get asked about it now and again, so I'm just putting the status here.

Give Props For This Entry (Quality Entry) [5] Edit this entry Delete this entry Comment on this entry (9 fleeps)
[Create Response Entry]
[public entry #1]

Gamingforce Choco Journal
Crash "Long-Winded Wrong Answer" Landon's Journal

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:48 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2023, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.