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Sep 5, 2008 - 06:40 PM |
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Complete Sniglet Compendium Pt. 1 |
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Sniglet (snig' lit): Any word that doesn't appear in the dictionary, but should.
In the 1980s, C-list comedian, Rich Hall, co-conceived a literary masterstroke: a collection of ersatz words created by the common man, used to describe all-too-common items, actions and phenomena - concepts that, by all means, should have a word attached yet inexplicably didn't. Thus, the "sniglet" was born to mild pop culture success, and equal ignominy. Language nerds embraced the form; everyone else arched a single eyebrow and went back to their Duran Duran albums.
However, this Journal could not stake its claim as the "word kingdom" without containing something so ridiculous and pompous as a collection of Sniglets, so I've taken the liberty of acquiring the original books and am transcribing their contents here for the enjoyment (and bewilderment) of all who give half a damn about language.
Note: As these were written between 1984 and 1989, some Sniglets may contain one or more outmoded references. If you don't understand a particular entry, don't blame me. Blame your parents for not fucking soon enough.
ABANDABAG - (uh ban’ duh bayg): n. The lone suitcase that keeps circulating the airport luggage carousel.
ABZOT - (ab’ zoht) n. The device in a currency changer that determines whether a bill is too wrinkled or not.
ACCELOYELLOS - (a sel' oh yel' oz): n. People who enthusiastically speed through yellow traffic lights. (See also: INDYSECOND.)
ACCIDUE - (aks’ ih dew): n. The small pile of broken glass, chrome and other debris that remains at the scene of an accident several weeks after an accident.
ACCOMOMAMMADATION - (ah kom’ oh mam uh day shun): n. The inconspicuous manner in which a woman adjusts a fallen bra strap.
ACCORDIONATED - (ah kor’ dee un ay tid): adj. Being able to simultaneously drive a car and refold a road map.
ADAM 69 - (ad' um siks tee nyn'): n. Two cop cars, parked in opposing directions, exchanging information.
ADHOKUM - (ad’ hoh kum): n. The overt implication, in commercials, that just because the actor is wearing a white lab coat, he must be an expert.
AEROBICROACHER - (ayr oh' bi kroch ur): n. A person who gravitates toward another's space while exercising.
AEROMA - ayr oh’ mah): n. The odor emanating from an exercise room after an aerobics workout.
AEROPALMICS - ayr oh palm’ iks): n. The study of wind resistance conducted by holding a cupped hand out the car window.
AETS - (ehtz): n. Unintelligible symbols on water fountain handles.
AGE OF CLAUSABILITY - (ayj' uv klaw' za bil' ih tee): n. The age at which we stop believing in Santa Claus.
AGONOSIS - (ayg oh noh’ sis): n. The syndrome of turning into “Wide World of Sports” every Saturday just to watch the skier rack himself. (Outmoded sniglet)
AIR LASER - (ayr' lay zur): n. The stream of high-velocity air above your airplane seat that can be adjusted to: a) sting your face, b) sting your ear, c) sting your hair
AIRDIRT - (ayr’ durt): n. A hanging plant that’s been ignored for three weeks or more.
AIRCAPPED - (ayr' capt): v. To be temporarily crippled when the airplane passenger in front of you drives his seat back into your knees.
AIREPT - (ayr’ ept): n. The tendency to wipe out an entire shelf of souvenirs with one’s luggage in an airport gift shop..
AIRPLAUSE - (ayr plawz'): n. Gratuitous ovation awarded a pilot upon completion of a safe landing.
AIRPUNT - (ayr' punt): n. Any series of kicks that advances one's luggage toward the airport counter.
AIRSUPIAL - (ayr soop’ ee ayl): n. The pouch in front of you, on an airplane, that holds the airsickness bag and in-flight magazine.
ALFALFABET - (al fal' fuh bet): n. Backwards letters used only on clubhouse doors.
ALFRED HITCHCOOKING - (al' fred hich' cooh king): v. Continuously stabbing at a block of frozen vegetables to make them cook faster.
ALPHAFLUB - (ayl’ fuh flub): n. Any mismatched letter(s) on a movie marquee that has comedic consequences (i.e., Fetal Attraction, Running Sacred).
ALPOGOALIE - (al poh goh' lee): n. Any dog smart enough to use its paw to pin down a dog dish.
ALPOLECTIC FIT - (ayl’ po lek tik fiht’): n. Convulsive state of a dog upon seeing its master arrive home in the afternoon.
ALPONIUM - (al poh’ nee um): n. The initial blast of odor upon opening a can of dog food.
ALTEATRAZ - (ayl tee’ traz): n. The small leaves that manage to escape from tea bags into the liquid.
ALTIPULP - (al' tih pawlp): n. Any periodical found within an airplane (Skymall, Ultra Triathlete, Greek Pottery Monthly, etc.) that holds the interest of absolutely no one on board.
AMAZINGRAZIN - (uh may' zin gray zin): n. The ability to cut a piece of cake with a little plastic fork on a flimsy paper plate while simultaneously holding a large beverage, a cute little napkin and a cup of mixed nuts.
AMBIPORTALOUS - (am bih port’ ahl us): adj. Possessing the uncanny knack for approaching a set of double doors and always pushing the locked one.
ANACEPTION - (an uh sep’ shun): n. The body’s ability to actually affect television reception by moving about the room.
ANANANANY - (an a na' na nee): n. The inability to stop spelling the word "banana" once you've started.
ANAFONDICS - (an a fon' diks): n. Exercising to a workout album at 16 RPM. (Outmoded sniglet)
ANCHORITY - (an chor’ ih tee): n. A group’s final, hard-fought decision on what toppings to order on a pizza.
ANTALIXIC - (ant uh lik’ sik): n. One who passes over all the licorice jellybeans in the bag.
ANTICIPARCELLATE - (an tih sih par’ sel ayt): v. To wait until the mailman is several houses down the street before picking up the mail, so as not to appear too anxious.
APPLAFLAMMAPHOBIA - (ap la flam uh fo' bee uh): n. The fear that upon departing for vacation, you've left an appliance on that will burn the house to the ground.
AQUACOUSTICS - (ak wa koo' stiks): n. Sound waves in the bathroom that enable anyone to sing on key.
AQUADEXTROUS - (ak wah deks’ trus): adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucets on and off with one’s toes.
AQUALIBRIUM - ak wah lib’ ree um): n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck at the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
AQUELLO - (ah kwel’ oh): n. The intense shade of yellow that is used to distinguish all waterproof materials.
ARACHNIDIOT - (ar ak ni’ dee uht): n. A person, who, having wandered into an “invisible” spider web begins gyrating and flailing about wildly.
A.R.G. (AUDIO RETINAL GYRATION) - (ay ar jee): v. To move one’s head in a circular fashion while attempting to read a rotating record label.
ARROWNEOUS - (ayr oh' nee yus): adj. The quality of anyone who flagrantly drives against the arrows in a parking lot.
ASHTRACTION - (ash trak’ shun): n. The point at which you stop paying attention to what a person is saying and start wondering just how long the ash at the end of his cigarette is going to grow before it falls into his lap.
ASPERBAYERPERPAIRPERFECTION - (as pur bayr' pur payr' pur fek' shun): n. The ability to always extract exactly two headache tablets from the bottle.
ASPITRON - (ass' pih tron): n. The tiny "brain" in an aspirin that tells it exactly to which part of the afflicted body it must go.
ASTEREXASPER - (as tuhr eggs as' pur): n. Any asterisk without a corresponding footnote.
ATTRINYL - (a try’ nil): n. A black, bulletproof, totally inflexible type of plastic, used primarily in the manufacture of pay phone directory covers..
AUDIOSIS - (awd ee oh' sis): v. Hearing a sound you don't notice until the sound stops, e.g., the furnace or refrigerator shutting off*.
AULDLANXIETY - (old lang zi' et tee): n. Experience of waking up on New Year's Day and wondering how much of a fool you made of yourself the previous night.
AWSLICE - (aww' slice): n. The first slice of a wedding cake, the one which ruins the design and causes everyone to sigh.
AZUGOS - (as' you goes): n. Items placed upon a step or banister to be carried upstairs by the next ascending person.
B+ STAMPEDE - (bee’ plus stam peed’): n. The attempt by half the classroom to claim the paper with no name on it.
BABO RECLOSO - (bay’ boh ree kloh’ soh): n. The futile attempt to reseal a can of powdered bathroom cleanser.
BABYBUFFERS - (bay' bee buf furz): n. People who hang "Baby on Board" signs in their car windows, as if the rest of us are driving around thinking "You know, I'd like to plow into that car but I don't want to hurt the baby."
BACHSLAPPER - (bahk’ slap ur): n. Anyone who applauds the wrong part of a classical music concert.
BACKSPACKLE - (bak’ spak uhl): n. The markings on the back of one’s shirt as a result of riding a fenderless bicycle.
BACKSPUBBLE - (bak’ spuh buhl): n. Dishwater that disappears down one drain of a double-sink and comes up the other.
BALDAGE - (bald’ ij): n. The accumulation of hair in the drain after showering.
BANDILE - (ban’ dyl): n. The thin red strip one pulls to release a Band-Aid from its wrapper.
BANECTOMY - (bah nek’ toh mee): n. The delicate removal of bruises on a banana.
BAR-B-COUP - (bar' bee koo): n. When your uncle or any other obnoxious relative commandeers the outdoor barbecue grill against your wishes.
BARCATHROTTLE - (bar kuh thrah’ tuhl): n. The wooden lever at the side of a recliner that acts like a gearshift.
BARF UNITS - (barf yew’ nitz): n. The number of groups of people you count off in the line ahead of you at an amusement park ride, trying to determine how long before it’s your turn.
BARFIUM - (bar' fee um): n. The horrible smelling cleanser used to mop down school corridors.
BARGARCS - (bar’ jarks): n. The streaks on car’s windshield from faulty wipers.
BARGUS - (bar’ jus): n. The area on the windshield that the wipers can’t reach.
BACKIN-MYDAY ACT OF 1901 - (bak' in my' day akt uv nein' teen oh wun'): n. Law created in the early part of the twentieth century which made it mandatory to build schools at least 20 miles away from all future grandfathers.
BALLYBUSTER - (bal' lee bus tur): n. A pinball machine with one dead flipper.
BARBALYSIS - (bar ba' lih sis): n. Condition that arises from having to keep your head motionless while getting a haircut.
BARCUUMING - (bar' ku ming): v. Using the family dog to remove the crumbs that have fallen to the floor.
BATHBURP - (bath’ burp): n. The eerie tendency of a bathtub stop to loudly release itself a few minutes after you’ve turned off the shower.
BATHQUAKE - (bath’ kwayk): n. The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the faucet is turned to a certain point.
BAZOOKACIDAL TENDENCIES - (bah zew’ kuh sy duhl ten’ den seez): n. The overwhelming desire within most individuals to lunge forth and pop the gigantic bum bubble billowing from someone’s mouth.
BEAVO - (bee’ voh): n. A pencil with teeth marks all over it.
BEDWINDS - (bed' windz): n. Those mysterious drafts that always prevent a bedsheet from drifting perfectly onto the mattress.
BELL NUTWORK - (bel nut’ werk): n. The system of squirrel transportation provided by telephone lines.
BEVAMETER - (bev’ uh meet uhr): n. (a unit of measure) The distance a coaster, still attached to the bottom of a wet glass, will travel before it falls back to earth.
BEVAMIRAGE - (bev' uh muh rahj): n. The deceiving black ring around the bottom of a two-liter soda bottle. (Outmoded sniglet)
BIBBLAGE - (bib' lij): n. The angle of one's body while scanning a library shelf.
BICOMA - (bih koh' muh): n. The nonfunctioning pen you return to the pen caddy thinking somehow it will come back to life at a later date.
BILBOUS - (bil buhs): n. The one person on every trip that feels compelled to read every passing billboard aloud.
BIMBIO - (bim by’ oh): n. The fictional data on the back of a Playboy centerfold.
BIMP - (bimp): n. A blurry or “double-edged” felt-tip marker.
BINGOBABBLE - (bing' goh bab bull): n. The increase in vocal activity that occurs when dozens of people are only one number away from reaching Bingo.
BINGOOPS - (bing’ ewpz): n. People who prematurely yell “Bingo”, then try to make the mistake.
BIRDMANTRAS - (burd’ man trahz): n. The point at which repetitive bird chirps begin to sound like human phrases (e.g., “No sleep for you. No sleep for you. No sleep. . .”).
BIXPLEX - (biks’ pleks): n. Psychological block in which a person cannot choose which color of disposable lighter to purchase.
BIZOOS - (bih zews’): n. The millions of tiny, individual bumps that comprise the exterior of a basketball.
BLEEMUS - (blee’ mus): n. The disgusting film on top of soups and cocoa that sit out too long.
BLIBULA - (blib’ byuh luh): n. The spot on a dog’s stomach which, when rubbed, causes his leg to rotate wildly.
BLIMPLIMENTS - (blimp’ lih mentz): n. The toppings at a low-calorie yogurt parlor that effectively cancel out the whole reason for eating yogurt in the first place.
BLINDELIZE - (blin’ dul eyez): v. To scratch an album beyond recognition while trying to maneuver it over the record spindle.
BLISTERPEG - (blys' tur peg): n. The irritating part of a flip-flop sandal that holds your foot in place.
BLITHWAPPING - (blith’ wap ping): v. Using any item except a hammer to force a nail into the wall (i.e., shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.).
BLIVETT - (blih’ vit): v. To turn one’s pillow over and over, looking for the cool spot.
BLIX - (blikz): n. The moving part on the inside of an ice cream scooper that carves and ejects a single scoop.
BLOBIAGE - (bloh' bee ij): n. The propaganda sticker on electric hands-dryers that attempts to convince you they're preferrable to paper towels.
BLOG - (blahg): n. Overly generous deposits of fish food floating at the top of an aquarium.
BLOOAGE - (blew’ ij’): n. The residue left on fingers after using an S.O.S. pad.
BLOSSOR - (blos' er): n. The unique "winged" hairstyle achieved after wearing a baseball cap for several hours.
BLOTCH - (blahch): v. To slap the bottom of a ketchup bottle with increasing intensity. (See also: BLOTCHSLIDE.)
BLOTCHSLIDE - (blahch’ slyd): n. A sudden deluge of ketchup that flows forth from smacking the bottom of the bottle too hard, too many times. (See also: BLOTCH.)
BLURFLE - (bler’ fuhl): v. To be caught talking at the top of one’s lungs when the music at the bar or club suddenly stops.
BOBAROMA - (bahb’ ah roh mah): n. The pungent odor that remains in the air after using aerosol hair spray.
BOBBLOGESTURE - (bah bloh jes’ chur): n. The classroom practice of not knowing the answer but raising one’s hand anyway (after determining a sufficient number of other people have also raised their hands, thus reducing the likelihood of actually being called upon).
BOGUSH - (boh’ gush): v. To obligatorily spout phrases like “I’ll call you soon” at the end of a date because you can’t think of anything else to say.
BOMB BIN - (bom' bin): n. The plastic tub at airport security counters where you deposit your personal effects before passing through. (NOTE: HEY KIDS! DON'T USE THIS WORD AT THE AIRPORT!)
BOMCA - (bahm’ kuh): n. A lubricant derived from the salivary gland used for turning book pages.
BOOPCHATTER - (bewp’ chat uhr): n. The series of high-pitched beeps that you hear at the beginning and end of prerecorded cassette tapes.
BOSLUM - (bahz’ lum): n. The small metal ring on a ballpoint pen that seperates the top half from the bottom half.
BOVILEXIA - (boh vih leks’ ee yuh): n. The uncontrollable urge to lean out the car window and yell “Moo!” every time you pass a cow.
BOWFFANT - (bau font'): n. The pastime of turning your dog's ears inside out and folding them across his head, even though the dog seldom appreciates the levity of the situation.
BOWLIKINETICS - (boh lih kih neh’ tiks): n. The act of trying to control a released bowling ball by twisting one’s body in the direction one wants the ball to travel.
BOXSQUATTERS - (bahks’ skwah turz): n. Baseball fans who wait until the third or fourth inning and then sneak down to better seats.
BRATTLED - (brat’ uhld): adj. The unsettling feeling, at a stoplight, that the busload of kids that just pulled up beside you is making fun of you.
BRAZEL - (brah’ zul): n. The scratch plate on a matchbook.
BRIMPLET - (brim’ plit): A frayed shoelace that must be moistened before successfully passing through an eyelet.
BROOP - (broop): n. The useless pocket on a pajama top.
BUBBLEWEISER - (buh bel why’ zur): n. The yellow liquid found in a carpenter’s level.
BUBBLIC - (buh’ blik): adj. Addicted to the systematic popping of the bubbles in packing material.
BUCKLINT - (buk’ lint): n. The fine red and blue threads running through dollar bills.
BUCKSTACY - (buk' stah see): n. The joy of finding forgotten money in a coat or pants pocket.
BUCULETS - (buk’ yoo lets): n. The bumper guards on the underside of a toilet seat.
BUGPEDAL - (bug’ ped uhl): v. To accelerate or decelerate rapidly in an attempt to remove a clinging insect from a car’s windshield.
BULLSHIDARTIST - (bul' shih dart ist): n. A person who positions his darts directly into the bullseye at the end of a game so that the next person entering the room will think he's a dart wizard.
BULLSLOTS - (bul' slotz): n. Post office mail slots marked "In Town", "Out of Town", etc., which everyone knows empty into the same bin anyhow.
BUMPERGLINTS - bump’ ur glitntz): n. The small reflective obstacles in the middle of interstate highways which supposedly keep drivers awake and on the track.
BUNIONETTE - (bun’ yun et): n. Any young professional woman in business attire and Reebok sneakers.
BURBULATION - (bur byoo lay’ shun): n. The obsessive act of opening and closing the refrigerator door in an attempt to catch it before the little automatic light comes on.
BURGACIDE - (burg’ uh syd): n. When a hamburger cannot endure any more torture and hurls itself through the grill onto the coals.
BURGATORY - (ber' ga tawr ee): n. The place where unsold burgers go when the stand shuts down for the night.
BURSPLOOT - (bur’ sploot): v. To position one’s thumb at the end of a garden hose to increase the water pressure.
BUSBLENDER - (bus’ blen dur): n. The device at the front of the bus that tosses your fare around for a while, then swallows it.
BUTTBLOTTING FLUID - (but' blot ing floo' id): n. The mysterious blue liquid they pour onto diapers in diaper commercials to demonstrate their absorbency.
BUTTHENGE - (but’ henj): n. A pile of cigarette butts occupying a parking space.
BUTTNICK - (but’ nik): n. The crevice on an ashtray where the cigarette rests.
BUTTRAS - (but' ruhs): n. Those small buttons in a plastic bag that accompany finer clothing.
BUYZANTINE - (by' zan teen): adj. Architectural style, prevalent in museums and amusement parks, designed so that guests can only exit via the gift shop.
BUZZACKS - (buz’ aks): n. People in department stores who walk around picking up display telephones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
CABNICREEP - (kab’ nih kreep): n. The structural condition in which the closing of one kitchen cabinet causes another to open.
CAFFIDGET - (ka fij’ it): v. To break a Styrofoam coffee cup into several hundred pieces after consuming its contents.
CALTITUDE - (kal’ tih tewd): n. The height to which a cat’s rear end can rise to meet the hand stroking it.
CANAFLATIONARY ZONE - (kan uh flay' shun ayr ee zohn): n. The area on the back or spine of a book or magazine that reveals the price, making you glad you're an American. (U.S. $4.95/CAN $6.95)
CANTWITIONIST - (kan twi' shun ist): n. A person who manually "rushes" the lid on an electric can opener.
CAREENA - (ka ree’ nuh): n. Any mangled or missing piece of highway guardrail.
CARJONES - (kar’ hoh’ nez): n. The incredible bravery one possesses for as long as you are inside your car.
CARPERIMETER - (kar pur ihm’ ih tur): n. The zone between the wall and the end of the vacuum cleaner where dirt is “safe.”
CARPERPETUATION - kar’ pur pet yoo ay shun): The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
CARPILLARY ACTION - (kar' pih ler ee ak' shun): n. Property that enables water to move up a windshield while the vehicle is in motion.
CARSNIGLEGENS - (kar snig' luh jenz): n. Things that cause cancer but have yet to be revealed so by science.
CARTERNITY - (kar tur’ nih tee): n. The law that states that characters in a comic strip will remain the same age forever.
CARTHRITIS - (karth ry’ tis): n. The pathetic struggle of an old power window to make that last inch upward.
CARTIPILLAR - (kar' tih pih lur): n. A line of cars waiting to get onto the freeway at rush hour.
CATATOMIC DROP - (kat' uh tom ik drop): n. "Factory testing" of a cat to assure oneself that the "always lands on its feet" principle still holds true.
CATLAPSE - (kat’ laps): n. The amount of time a cat sleeping on his owner’s lap has to awake and prepare to hit the floor before the owner stands up.
CATPLAST - (kat’ plast): n. The built-in element that allows a cat to occasionally stretch himself to astounding lengths.
CATTARACT - (kat’ ar akt): n. Any fat Garfield cat attached to a car window that partially obstructs a driver’s vision.
CELLOSTATIC - (sel oh stat’ ik): adj. The electrical property of cracker and cigarette wrappers that causes them to stick to your hand.
CENTSTRESS - (sent’ stres): n. Anxiety felt during the mad scramble for loose change when the cashier says, “Do you have a penny?”
CEREOALLOCATIVE - (seer ee oh ayl’ oh kay tiv): adj. Describes the ability of a seasoned breakfast eater to establish a perfect cereal-to-banana ration, assuring that there will be at least one slice of banana left for the final spoonful of cereal.
CHAIN GANG WALK - (chayn gayng wawk): n. Activity observed in the footwear section of cheap department stores where the shoes are wired together “for your convenience.”
CHALKTRAUMA - (chawk’ traw muh): n. The body’s reaction to someone running his fingernails down a chalkboard.
CHARCOPHILE - (char koh fyl): n. A masochist who loves burnt food.
CHARP - (charp): n. The green, mutant potato chip found in every bag.
CHECKUARY - (chek’ yew ayr ee): n. The thirteenth month of the year which begins on New Year’s Day and ends when a person stops absent-mindedly writing the old year on his checks.
CHEDDARBLISTER - (ched' ur blihs tur): n. The bubble formed when making a grilled cheese sandwich.
CHEEDLE - (chee’ dul): n. The residue left on one’s fingertips after consuming a bag of Cheetos.
CHEERIOMAGNETIZATION - (cheer ee oh mayg neh ty zay’ shun): n. The tendency of the last four or five Cheerios in the bowl to cling together for survival.
CHERK - (churk): n. The person in the express lane at the grocery store who writes a check for two items.
CHICLEXODUS - (chik uhl eks’ oh dus): n. Any attempt by a gum ball to sneak out of the chute and roll past the buyer.
CHINDEPENDENTS - (chin’ dee pen dentz): n. The few hairs that always remain after shaving that aren’t noticed until several hours later.
CHINGRIP - (chin’ grip): n. The area where the chin meets the neck, used for holding the pillow as one slips the pillowcase on.
CHIPFAULT - (chip’ fawlt): n. The stress point on a potato chip where it breaks off and stays behind in the dip.
CHIPLINGER - (chip’ ling ur): n. The bits of raw vegetable and broken snacks that blend into a dip during a large party.
CHOCONIVEROUS - (chawk oh niv’ ur us): adj. The sadistic tendency, when eating a chocolate Easter bunny, to bite off the head first.
CHOCOZIPPER - (chok' oh zip ur): n. The paper tab that releases a Hershey's Kiss.
CHOCTASY -(chok' ta see): n. The joy of discovering a second layer of chocolates underneath the first.
CHRONESIA - (kron ee' zyuh): n. The tendency not to know the time when asked, even though you just checked your watch.
CHUBBLE - (chuh’ buhl): n. The aerobic movement combining deep-knee bends and sideward hops used when trying to fit into panty hose.
CHUFF - (chuhf): n. The line of grease you always find on your right trouser leg when demounting a bicycle.
CHWADS - (chwadz): n. The small disgusting wads of chewed gum commonly found beneath table and counter tops.
CIGADENT - (sig’ uh dent): n. Any accident involving a cigarette: for instance, when it sticks to your lips while your fingers slide off and get burned.
CINEDRAFT - (sin' uh draft): n. The mysterious rush of air that sucks your money into the tickey window at the movie theatre.
CINEMUCK - (sih’ neh muk): n. The combination of popcorn, soda and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theatres.
CINEMUTATION - (sin uh mew tay' shun): n. The liberal change in the storyline that occurs whenever a book is made into a movie.
CINEPEDS - (sin’ ih pedz): n. The feet that mysteriously appear over your shoulders when you’re trying to watch a movie.
CINEPLEGIC - (sih neh plee' jik): n. A person whose foot or leg has temporarily lost circulation from being wedged between theatre seats.
CINESLOUCH - (sih' nuh slowch): n. The defensive position one adopts preparatory to a shock scene in a horror movie.
CINETRAP - (sih' nuh trap): n. The inability to leave a movie theatre because your date insists upon watching the credits.
CINETWERP - (sin’ ih twurp): n. Any cinema employee who has the nerve to ask you for exact change because the tickets have been jacked up to $9.50.
CIRCLOCRYOGENIC THEORY - (sur kloh kry oh jen’ ik the’ oh ree): n. The hypothesis which states that no matter which way you turn a glass of ice water, the cubes will move to the back. (Further research has established that one piece of ice will always stick to the bottom of an empty glass until tapped, at which point it will come forward and smack the drinker on the end of the nose.)
CIRCULOIN TECHNIQUE - (sur’ kyu loyn tek neek’): n. The popular method of consuming steak in which one eats around the edges first, then works his way toward the middle
CIRCUMPOPULATE - (sur kum pahp’ yew layt): n. To finish off a popsicle “laterally” because the “frontal” approach causes one to gag..
CIRCUMVACULATE - (sur kum vak' yew layt): v. To remain stationary while vacuuming in a circle around oneself.
CLINGUINI - (kling gwee' nee): n. The one strand of pasta that remains stuck to the bottom of the pan as you're emptying it into the colander.
CLOBBERISM - (klahb’ ur iz uhm): n. Strange array of verbs used by sportscasters to explain the outcome of a game (e.g., “Lakers drowned the Nets, Bears clawed the Vikings”).
CLUMFERT - (klum’ furt): n. The invisible “extra step” at the top and bottom of a staircase that typically materializes when one is carrying a large bag of groceries or laundry basket.
COASTERNETS - (koh stur netz'): n. The ratchety sound heard during the initial ascent of a roller coaster before it crests and hysteria ensues.
COAXIOMS - (koh aks’ ee umz): n. When shopping for stereo equipment, the incoherent techno-jargon salesmen use (e.g., “dynamic audio range,” “frequency modulation”) that you nod along with and pretend to understand.
COEGGULANT - (koh eg’ yoo lent): n. The white things in a plate of scrambled eggs.
COINOPHONY - (koy' nah foh nee): n. Annoying pocket concerts conducted by people who like to jingle keys and change, often accompanied by a rocking motion.
COMBILOOPS - (kahm’ bih lewpz): n. The two or three unsuccessful passes before finally opening a combination lock.
COMEONDOWNS - (kum on downz'): n. Depression resulting from knowing all the answers to a game show while confined in your living room.
COMIMORPHISM - (koh mih morf’ ih zum): n. The act of cutting out comic strips and assigning real life names to the characters.
COMMON DENUMBINATOR - (kaw’ mun dih num’ ih nay tur): n. The point in a first date at which you realize that you have nothing in common with the person you’re seeing, and you begin plotting how to get out of it.
COMPIZZABLE - (kom peet’ zuh bul): adj. The capacity of a group of diners to actually agree upon toppings for a pizza (“Okay, no olives, but we’ve got to have mushrooms”).
CONAGRAPHS - (kohn’ ah grafs): n. The raised relief squares on an ice cream cone.
CONISMA - (kohn iz’ muh): n. The tendency of American drivers to obey and follow traffic cones, no matter where they lead.
CONSPICUSLAT - (kon spik yew’ slat): n. A strip in a set of venetian blinds that has a different slant than the others.
CONTINENTATOR - (kon’ tih nent ay tur): n. The guy at the map making company who gets to decide what color each state should be.
CORNICLE - (kor’ nih kuhl): n. The breaded “washer” left on the stick after eating a corndog.
CORNISECTION - (kor' nih sek shun): n. The systematic consumption of candy corn by sections, first biting off the white zone, then orange zone, then the yellow zone.
CORPUS NEGLECTI - (kor pus nuh glek' ty): n. The transformation of a former high-school athlete into a beer-bellied, middle-aged man.
COUNTERSAURUS - (kown tur sawr’ us): n. Any person who orders two slices of cheesecake and a Diet Coke.
COVERLICIOUS - (kuh vur lish' us): n. The warm feeling of waking up on a cold morning and discovering you have another 20 minutes to sleep.
THE CRANIAL STOMP - (the kray’ nee uhl stahmp): n. A somewhat primitive dance performed by youngsters trying to step on the heads of their own shadows.
CRAVAMETER - (kra' va mit tur): n. 3.72 inches, the proper distance between the ends of a tied necktie.
CRAYOLLIA - (kray oh’ lee yuh): n. The area on the refrigerator where kindergarten drawings are displayed.
CREDIDIOTS - (kred id’ ee utz): n. People who linger during the credits of a movie, as if they are going to recognize someone (“Look, honey, Ed Kremetski was the key grip”).
CREEDLES - (kree’ dulz): n. The colony of microscopic indentations on a golf ball.
CRETINGER - (kret' in jur): n. The toll-free number printed on credit cards that you're instructed to call when your credit card has been lost.
CRIMPLAP - (krim' plap): n. The short stroll taken when trying on a new pair of shoes, before deciding whether to buy them or not.
CRINKS - (krinks): n. Crevices and junctions where car wax gets in but doesn’t get out.
CRIPPLECREEPS - (krip' ul kreepz): n. People who forcibly insist upon trying out your crutches when you're injured.
CRITIGASM - (krit’ ih gaz uhm): n. Any gushing critical blurb given to a movie that guarantees the reviewer’s name will appear larger than any other’s in the movie ad.
CROOKLIGHT - (kruk' lyt): n. The one light you always leave on to discourage burglars.
CROONO EN FLAGRANTE - (krew' noh on fla grahn' tay): v. To be caught singing to the muzak when the secretary takes you off hold.
CRUMBDUNDANCY - (krum dun' dan see): n. The act of revacumming parts of your car for no reason other than to use up the remaining time on the coin-operated vacuum machine.
CRUMBPLUMB - (krum’ plum): v. To attack a cereal box in an attempt to retrieve the prize.
CRUMMOX - (krum’ oks): n. The cereal that gets caught between the inner lining and the side of the box. Also, the leftover amount at the bottom that is too little to constitute one bowl’s worth but too much to throw away.
CRUSTADJUSTER - (krus' ta jus tur): n. The "light-dark" knob on a toaster that makes you think you're in control.
CUBBAGE - (kuh' bij): n. Decorative ivy used to cover large walls, at Wrigley Field for example.
CUBELO - (kyew’ beh lo): n. The one cube left by the person too lazy to refill the ice tray.
CUBESTACLE - (kewb' stack ul: n. A person who, no matter where he stands, gets in the way of someone shooting pool.
CUFFLATCH - (kuf' lach): v. To grasp the edge of one's sleeve to keep it from slithering up the arm while pulling on a sweater or sport jacket.
CUMULASTICS - (kewm’ uhl as tiks): n. The collection of rubber bands on a person’s doorknob.
CURDUNDANCY - (kur dun' dan see): n. The big deal of opening and closing the theatre curtains between preview and feature in movie theatres, presumably to help justify the inflated ticket price. (Outmoded sniglet)
CURODDS - (kur' ohds): n. The adhesive bandages at the bottom of the box designed for extremely unusual injuries.
CUSHUP - (kush’ up): v. To sit down on a couch somehow causing the cushion next to you to rise.
DARF - (darf): n. The least attractive side of a Christmas tree that ends up facing the wall; also called TANNENBUM.
DASHBLAST - (dash’ blast): n. The head-splitting change in decibel levels experienced when a compact disc in a car is ejected and the radio comes on.
DASHO - (da’ shoh): n. The area between a car’s windshield and dashboard, where coins, pencils, etc., cannot be humanly retrieved.
DECIBILATION - (des ih buhl ay’ shun): n. The shock of having one’s headphones yanked from one’s ears by normally passive objects (such as elbows, coattails, watchband, doorknobs, etc.).
DEFRECIATE - (deh fre' shee ayt): v. While driving home from a fast-food restaurant, the act of stealing an equal amount of fries from each bag so that recipients will believe each simply received small portions.
DEJA VA - (day zha va'): n. The feeling, as you put sugar into your coffee, that you've already put sugar into your coffee.
DELTA VISTA - (del' tuh vis' tuh): n. The principle that states that, on any flight, the "spectacular view" the pilot is describing can only be seen through the opposite window.
DENNIDIOTS - (den id' ee uts): n. People who actually fill out those "How-was-the-service" exams on the backs of restaurant checks.
DENTOCRAM - (den toh kram’): v. To foolishly attempt to achieve a year’s worth of brushing and flossing an hour before your dental appointment.
DESTINESIA - (des tin ee' zha): n. The act of entering a room and forgetting why
DETERRENCY - (dee tur’ ren see): n. The ruined currency found in pants pockets after laundering.
DETRUNCUS - (dee trunk’ us): n. The embarrasing phenomenon of losing one’s bathing shorts while diving into a swimming pool..
DIAGONERD - (dy ag' oh nurd): n. Person who angles his car across two spaces to keep people from parking too close.
DIANKULAR - (dy ank’ yewl ar): adj. The “crossover” style of lacing athletic shoes. (See also: PERPIDANKULAR)
DIESELDIAPER - (dee zuhl dy’ pur): n. The big red flag hanging off the back of a lumber truck.
DIETRIBE - (dy’ uh tryb): n. All the “daily specials” you allow a waiter to rattle off even though you know precisely what you want.
DIGITRITUS - (dij ih tree’ tus): n. Deposits found between the links of a watchband.
DILLRELICT - (dil rel’ ikt): n. The last pickle in the jar that avoids all attempts at being captured.
DIMP - (dimp): n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking “do you work here?”
DIPWAVERS - (dip’ way vurz): n. People who raise their hands when riding on roller coasters.
DIRTWAFFLES - (dir' twah fulz): n. Incriminating bits of preformed dirt that fall off the bottoms of tennis shoes onto clean floors.
DISASTASTACK - (diz as' ta stak): n. Any precariously balanced pyramid of cans or bottles blocking a grocery aisle.
DISCOMBEBOPULATE - (dis kom bee bahp yew’ layt): v. To turn down the car radio when you’re searching for a specific street, as if, somehow, this will help you locate it easier.
DISCONFECT - (dis kon fekt’): v. To sterilize a piece of candy that was dropped upon the ground by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will “remove” all the germs.
DISPATCH TRACK - (dis’ pach trak): n. The squiggly lines next to a postmark on a letter that resemble tire tread marks.
DOG GASKETS - (dawg gas’ kitz): n. The black stuff that collects around an elderly dog’s mouth.
DOGNUT - (dawg’nut): n. The giant nut on the side of a fire hydrant.
DOOR SLINKY - (dohr slin’ kee): n. The springy device attached to the back of a door that prevents the door from marring the wall.
DOORK - (dawrk): n. A person who always pushes on a door marked “pull” or vice versa.
DOWNPAUSE - (down’ pawz): n. The split second of dry weather experienced when driving under an overpass during a storm.
DREAMONIUM - (dree mon' ee yum): n. The metallic coating on a lottery ticket that seperates you from a million bucks a year for life.
DRIVERIE - (dry' vur eee): n. Any daydream experienced while driving that causes you to miss your turn.
DROOT - (drewt): n. A Dorito with an unnatural fold in it.
DRYLOWGRAPHS - (dry’ loh grafs): n. Strange, unintelligible symbols that accompany the washing instructions on clothing labels.
DRYPHOON - (dry foon’): n. The blast of hot air you always feel as you walk past a laundromat.
DUBLECTATE - (duh blek’ tayt): v. To misplace one’s eyeglasses and eventually discover them atop one’s head.
DUDNOBS - (dud' nobz) - n. The fake drawers beneath the sink that everyone attempts to pull open.
DUDOUT - (dud' owt): n. Condition of having consumed all of one's snack bar items before the movie has even begun.
DÜNKEN HÄCKEN - (dun' kin ha' kin): n. Violent coughing attack brought on by inhaling the powdered sugar on a doughnut.
EARTHCAKE EPICENTER - (urth’ kayk ehp’ ih sen tur): n. The buttery, syrup-laden heard of a stack of pancakes, the part you save until last.
EASTROTURF - (ee’ stroh turf): n. The artificial grass in Easter baskets.
ECNALUBMA - (ek nuh lub’ muh): n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear-view mirror.
ECTOLACTO - (ek roh lak' toh): n. The curtain of milk that runs down the outside of the glass when you try to pour it into the cereal bowl.
EFAMATE - (ef' uh mayt): v. To eliminate a dangerous automobile noise by turning up the radio volume.
EGGORY - (eg' er ry): n. The diveted part of the refridgerator that holds the eggs.
EIFFELITES - (eye’ ful eyetz): n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELBONICS - (el bahn’ iks): n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theatre.
ELECELERATION - (el uh sel ur ay’ shun): n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button, the faster it will arrive.
ELEMENO - (LMNO): n. The centermost letter of the alphabet, the one that reduces it from twenty-six characters to twenty-three.
ELEVENCE - (el' uh vins): n. The silence that pervades a crowded elevator once the doors fully close.
ELEVERTIGO - (el uh vur’ tih goh): n. The sensation one experiences when an elevator stops or takes off too suddenly.
ELMERDERMIS - (el mur durm’ is): n. The white sheath that surrounds the nozzle of a glue dispenser.
EMENEMINIZE - (em en em' en ize): v. To consume one's M&M's according to color grouping.
ENAMELISMS - (ee nam uhl iz’ uhmz): n. Overly embellished named given to nail polish colors to distinguish them from others, such as “Mediterranean Sunset,” “Autumn Splendor,” or “Dusky Coral.”
ENVELOPTIC - (en vel op’ tik): n. Anyone who peers through the mail slot opening at the post office to see if the employees inside are screwing off.
EQUATT - (ee’ kwaht): v. Trying to balance the light switch in the exact middle of the wall plate, so that light is half on, half off.
ERDU - (ur’ doo): n. The leftover accumulation of rubber particles after erasing a mistake on a test paper.
ESCALASTICIZE - (esk uh last’ ih.syz): v. To lean against the rail of a moving escalator and have the sensation of being pulled in opposite directions.
ESCALOS - (es’ kah lohz): n. People who always end up taking the long way around from escalator to escalator when moving from floor to floor in shopping malls.
ESSOASSO - (es oh as' oh): n. A person who cuts through a service station to avoid a red traffic light.
ETCHACHACHA - (etch’ ah chah chah): n. The jerky movements made by one’s arms and hips when erasing an Etch-a-Sketch.
EUFIRSTICS - (yew fur’ stiks): n. Two people waiting on the phone for the other to hang up first.
EUFRAIN - (yoo frayn'): n. The amount of time (usually four words into the song) it takes a group of people singing "Happy Birthday" to reach a common key.
EUNEEBLIC - (yoo nee’ blik): n. A person who refuses to believe an “out of order” sign and risks his money anyway.
EXAMINISCIENCE - (eg zam' in is sy enz): n. The ability of the computer or testing official to somehow know if you've used anything but a number-two pencil.
EXASPIRIN - (eks as’ prin): n. Any bottle of pain relieve with an impossible-to-remove cotton wad at the top.
EXCESS BUNNERAGE - (eks' es bun' er aj): adj. When the buns at a cookout come in packs of eight and the hot dogs in sixes.
EXCESS WEINERAGE - (eks' es wee' nur aj): adj. When the buns come in packs of eight and the hot dogs in twelve. (See also FRANQUILIZED.
EXECUGLIDE - (eks ek’ yew glyd): v. To propel oneself about an office without getting up from the chair.
EX-O-VAC - (ex' oh vak): n. The third battery in a "buy-two-get-one-free" package that is useless unless you purchase a second package.
EXPRESSHOLES - (eks pres’ holz): n. People who try to sneak more than the “eight items or less” into the express checkout lane.
FACINE - (fay seen'): n. The amount of Visine or Murine that is dribbled onto the cheek, nose, forehead, etc., before successfully entering the eye.
FALOOTER - (fa lew' tur): n. The rope running through a menu that lets you know you're at a fancy restaurant.
FAMAMAGE - (fa mam’ ahj’): v. To eliminate any annoying engine noise by simply turning up the radio volume.
FANIACS - (fan' ee aks): n. People in the crowd at sporting events who have painted their faces and bodies in their team colors.
FARRELPHOBIA - (fayr el foh' bee yuh): n. The fear of being approached by several waiters singing "Happy Birthday".
FATFINETUNER - (fat' fyn toon' ur): n. The knob at the top of the bathroom scale that allows for a conscience-easing "margin of error".
FATLAS - (fat’ las): n. The weekly foo section crammed full of recipes, coupons and full-color dessert photos that make a newspaper noticeably heavier.
FEASERS - (fee' zurz): n. The racing stripes on athletic shoes that fool kids into thinking they can run faster.
FENDERBERG - (fen’ dur burg): n. The large glacial deposits that form on the insides of car fenders and wheel wells during snowstorms.
FERROLES - (fer’ ohlz): n. The holes in the bottom of a steam iron.
FETCHPLEX - fech’ pleks): n. The state of momentary confusion in a dog whose owner has faked throwing the ball and instead palmed it behind his back.
FICTATE - (fik’ tayt): v. To inform a television or screen character of impending danger under the assumption that they can hear you.
FIGFORCE - (fig' fawrs): n. The mysterious magnetic force that holds two or more Fig Newton cookies together.
FINNAGE - (fin’ ij): n. The act of watching your money being swallowed up as your groceries ride the conveyor belt at the supermarket.
FIRSSUE - (fur' shew): n. The lead tissue, the one that gets all the others going
FLANNISTER - (flan’ is tur): n. The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of soda together.
FLARPSWITCH - (flarp’ swich): n. The one light switch in every house with no function whatsoever..
FLEABAGE - (flee' baj): n. Excess of flea collar that has to be cut off.
FLEN - (flen): n. The black crusty residue that accumulates on the necks of old ketchup bottles.
FLEPTIC - flep’ tik: adj. The tendency of soup and dog food lids to slip into the can upon opening.
FLIRR - (flur): n. A photograph that features the the camera operator’s finger in the corner.
FLIMPS - (flimps): n. People (usually observed in waiting rooms) who have advanced the Evelyn Wood technique to the point where they can flip through a magazine without ever looking down from the clock.
FLINTSTEP - (flint’ step): v. To wind up one’s feet before running away in fear. Common among cartoon characters.
FLOLES - (flolz): n. The extra (fourth and fifth) holes in notebook paper, presumably created in the hopes that one day mankind will perfect a “five ring binder.”
FLOPCORN - (flop’ korn): n. The unpopped kernels at the bottom of the cooker or bag.
FLOTION - (flo’ shun): n. The tendency, when sharing a waterbed, to undulate for five minutes every time the other person moves.
FLOTTA FACTOR - (flah’ tuh fak’ tur): n. The proven scientific fact that at a self-service pump, the last ten cents of gasoline take longer to reach the tank than the first nineteen dollars worth.
FLOUND - (flownd): v. To use one's free arm for balance while lugging a heavy gas can or suitcase.
FLOURESE - (flor’ eez): n. The language that you speak while your teeth are being cleaned, discernible only by your dentist.
FLOWFRIGHT - [I](flo’ frite)[/.I]: n. The desperate attempt by a homeowner to “talk” his overflowing toilet into backing down.
FLUGGLING - (flug’ ul ing): v. The dangerous practice, in a darkened room, of using one’s finger to guide the end of an electrical plug into a wall socket.
FLURRANT - (flur’ uhnt): n. The one leaf that always clings to the end of the rake.
FLUTCH - (flutch): n. The jerk one's body makes when one thinks one has lost his/her wallet.
FODS - (fahdz): n. Couples at amusement parks who wear identical t-shirts, presumably to keep from getting lost.
FOODGITIVES - (food' juh tivz): n. The individual vegetables in a microwaveable dinner tray that escape over the wall and into the Salisbury Steak Zone.
FOOFUMBLERS - (few’ fum blurz): n. Chopstick nonparticipants at Chinese restaurants.
FOOMLET - (foom' lit): n. The bathroom towel you're not allowed to use because it's designated for guests and guests don't use because who wants to be the first person to mess it up?
FOOPERS - (foo' perz): n. Passers-by a restaurant windows who stop to watch you eat.
FORKORRAL - (for' kor al): n. The plastic tray used to organize and seperate silverware.
FOYS - (foyz): n. Missing pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that you later find stuck to the underside of your arm.
FRANCIS SCOTT KEYS - (fran' sis skaht keez'): n. The notes of the "Star-Spangled Banner" that only trained opera singers are able to reach.
FRANKFLUID - (fraynk flew’ id): n. The liquid at the bottom of hot dog packages.
FRANQUILIZED - (frank' wil ized): adj. When, by some miracle, you have an equal number of buns and weiners at a cookout.
FRAZNIT - (frahz’ nit): n. Any string hanging from an article of clothing which, when pulled, causes the article to completely unravel.
FRIGIDALIEN - (frij id ay’ lee un): n. Any nonfood object (batteries, camera film, etc.) kept in the refrigerator to prolong its freshness.
FRINGE RELATIVE - (frinj rel' uh tiv): n. Any relative who appears in a smaller photo stuck into the corner of a picture frame (i.e., a relative who is not important enough to appear in his/her own frame.)
FROOG - (frewg): n. The crushing regret associated with purchasing an item, then, one day later, finding the same item for sale elsewhere at a significantly lower price.
FRUST - (frust): n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept into the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to “cheat” and sweep the debris under the rug.
FRUSTRA - (frus’ truh): n. The special plastic used in the manufacture of fast-food ketchup packets.
F-SHOCK - (ef' shok): n. The discovery, after having a flash photograph taken of yourself, that you are albino.
FURBLING - (fur’ bling): v. Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even though you are the only person in line.
FUFFLE - (fuh’ ful): v. To assume, when dining out, that you are making things easier on the waitress by using the phrase “when you get the chance. . .”.
FURBULA - fur’ byew luh): n. The designated chewing area on a dog’s back.
FURNACULARS - (fur nak' yoo lurz): n. The nocturnal sounds made by furnaces that convince you burglars are downstairs.
FURNIDENTS - (fur’ nih dents): n. The indentations that appear in carpets after a piece of furniture has been removed.
FURPLAY - (fur’ play): n. The semi-illicit feeling you get when a cat rubs against your leg.
FURTERUS ZONE - (fur tur’ us zohn): n. The empty stretches of bun on either end of a hot dog.
FUTILITY INFIELDER - (few til' ih tee in' feel dur): n. One who tries to stop grounders by throwing his glove at them.
FUZZBUZZ - (fuz' buz): n. The overwhelming urge that forces otherwise sensible people to "thank" police officers for traffic tickets.
GANGLOOT - (gan’ glewt): n. A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to impress people.
GAPIANA - (ga pee ah’ nah): n. The unclaimed strip of land between the “you are now leaving” and “welcome to” signs when crossing state lines.
GARBPACTION - (garb pak' shun): v. The act of cramming just one more item into a garbage can to avoid emptying it.
GARMITES - (gar’ mytz): n. Those items of clothing that fit perfectly at the store but somehow shrink on the way home.
GASTIDIOUS - (gas tid’ ee yus): adj. The deft manner in which one removes a gas cap so as not to get any fuel on one’s hands.
GAZINTA - (gah zin’ tuh): n. Mathematical symbol for division; also the sound uttered when dividing out loud (e.g. “Four gazinta eight twice.”).
GAZOONTING - (guh zewn’ ting): v. Using one’s nose to fold back the pages of a newspaper while one’s hands are occupied elsewhere.
GAZUREALISM - (gayz’ ur eel ih zuhm): n. The feeling, while at a museum or gallery, that the eyes on a portrait are staring directly at you no matter where you happen to be standing.
GENDERPLEX - (jen’ dur pleks): n. The predicament of a person in a themed amusement park or restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated bathroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises).
GEEZLEFLEW - (gee zuhl’ flew): n. Any obtuse object (e.g., hubcap, license plate, traffic cone, etc.) attached to a service station restroom key designed to prevent users from stealing it.
GENTREA - (jen' tree uh): n. The small area of the windshield beneath the steering wheel used by elderly drivers.
GEOUCH - (jee' owch): n. The sharp rock one always finds directly beneath his sleeping bag.
GERTATIOUS - (gur tay’ shus): adj. Having the adolescent fear that hanging one’s arm over the bed at night will mean being dragged under.
GESUNDTIME - (guh zoon' tym): n. That agonizing moment between the detection of an imminent sneeze and its actual execution.
GIBBLE - (jih’ buhl): n. The sliding keyhole cover on a car trunk.
GIBLUMP - (gib' lump): n. The foil-wrapped turkey that sits in the refrigerator after Thanksgiving because nobody even wants to think about turkey for several days.
GIMMIENNIUM - (gih mee' en ee um): n. The amount of time one lets pass when attempting to be the "eighth lucky caller", "third lucky caller", etc.
GIMPLEXUS - (gim plek’ sis): n. The rear area of the thighs which must be peeled from the car seat on hot summer days.
GIXLET - (giks’ lit): n. Any gift purchased for a forgotten relative at 10:57 P.M. on Christmas Eve with five dollars remaining in your budget.
GIZZLEDIPPLERS - (gih’ zul dip lurz): n. Those annoying waving hands seen on the backs of Winnebagos, placed there by people too lazy to be friendly on their own.
GLACIAPHOBIA - (glay see uh foh bee’ uh): n. Wintertime fear that the smiling child on the curbside is holding a snowball with your name on it.
GLACKETT - (glak’ it): n. The noisy ball inside a can of spray paint.
GLADHANDLING - (glad’ hand ling: v. To attempt, with frustrating results, to find and separate the ends of a plastic sandwich or trash bag.
GLAMP - (glamp): n. The telescopic device used to retrieve golf balls from ponds.
GLANTICS - (glan’ tiks): n. Two people, who, while making out, open their eyes at the same time to see if the other is looking.
GLARPO - (glar’ poh): n. The juncture of the ear and skull where pencils are stored.
GLEEDEBRIS - (glee' deh bree): n. The pile of torn wrapping paper and ribbon left after all the gifts have been opened.
GLEEMITES - glee’ mytz): n. Petrified deposits of toothpaste that accumulate in bathroom sinks.
GLEEMULE - (gleem’ yool): n. One unit of toothpaste, measured from bristle to bristle.
GLISSER - (glis' sur): n. The plastic wand used to inflate and launch soap bubbles.
GLOOB - (gloob): n. Air bag created in the front of one's trunks by entering a swimming pool too rapidly.
GLOOPIUM - (gloo' pee um): n. The area at the bottom of the parfait glass that the spoon cannot quite reach.
GLOVOCITY - (gluh vos' ih tee): n. The maximum increase in speed achieved by throwing aside one's baseball mitt while in pursuit of the ball.
GLUBBULE - (glub' yool): n. The eerie, yet mesmerizing, announcement, appearance and acension of the bubble in a water cooler.
GLUTE - (glewt): v. To shake a sugar packet vigorously so as to move the contents to the bottom before tearing open.
GLUTETIC CHAIR - (gloo tet’ ik chayr): n. A twentieth-century design of chair, found often in movie theatres whose main feature is its ability to keep folding up underneath a person as he tries to force it down with his rear.
GNARMBLUM - (narm’ blum): n. The dry wrinkly area at th end of the elbow.
GOOFYTTI - (goo fee' tee): n. Scribblings on the walls at Disney World which suggest that it's not quite "The Happiest Place on Earth".
GOBBLEMENTS - (gob' luh mentz): n. Those decorative miniature chef hats placed on the ends of turkey drumsticks.
GOLFLUORESCENCE - (gawl flohr’ es ens): n. The incredibly phosphorescent clothing style observed on golf courses, adopted by men who otherwise dress rationally.
GOOPWASTE - (gewp’ wayst): v. To smear excess hand lotion on other parts of your body even though they didn’t actually need it.
GRACKLES - (grak’ ulz): n. The wrinkles that appear on the body after staying in the water too long.
GRANTNAP - (grant’ nap): n. The extra five minutes of sleep you allow yourself that somehow makes all the difference in the world.
GREAT WALL OF CHINOS - (grayt wahl uhv chee’ nohs): n. The condition of having shoved a hand into one’s jeans only to discover that the pocket is jammed up.
GREEDLING - (greed’ ling): v. Pretending to read the inscription on the birthday card when you really just want to know how much the check is for.
GREELITE - (gree’ lyt): n. The eerie glow that emanates from beneath escalator steps.
GREEPERS - (greep' ers): n. People who walk up the down escalators in an attempt to appear motionless.
GRIDLOTT - (grid’ laht): n. The congestion created in checkout lines in small convenience or liquor stores, created by some jerk cashing in a one-dollar lottery ticket.
GRINION - (grin’ yun): n. The unsightly indentation in the middle of a belt after it has been worn too long.
GRINTIGER - (grin’ tih jur): n. The numbered code on the back of a greeting card that, when deciphered, reveals the price.
GRIPTION - (grip’ shun): n. The sound of sneakers squeaking against the floor during basketball games.
GRISKNOB - [I](gris’ nahb)[/b]: n. The end of a chicken drumstick which always gives the appearance of having more chicken on it.
GROCESSES - (groh' ses iz): n. The wasted area of grocery shelf space caused by round cans only being able to meet at their circumferences.
GROMAXES - (grohm’ aks iz): n. The inside area of the knees used to grip the steering wheel when holding a road map.
GUFFAWNIX - (guh fahw' niks): n. Uproarious laughter which must be squelched immediately due to its inappropriateness at the time, e.g., in the classroom, at a business meeting, in church, etc.
GUMIPLAST - (guhm’ ee plast): n. Any pair of fused-together or “siamese” gummy bears.
GUMMERATOR - (gum’ uhr ay tur): n. The pointed rubber object on the end of some toothbrushes.
GUNKOLEUM - (gun koh' lee yum): n. The horrible black paste that car manufacturers smear underneath car seats.
GURMLISH - (gurm’ lish): n. The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich toothpick that prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
GUPTOPIA - (gup’ toh pee yuh): n. The phony decor in an aquarium designed to fool fish into thinking they’re living in an underwater paradise.
GYMBOLS - (jim' bolz): n. Those lines and markings on a gym floor that have no intelligible purpose whatsoever.
GYROPED - (jy’ roh ped): n. A child who cannot resist spinning around on a diner stool.
HACULA - (hak’ yew luh): n. The last few inches of tape measure or lawn mower cord that refuse to rewind automatically.
HALASKA - (ha las' kuh): n. The boxed area on a U.S. map where our 49th and 50th states are located.
HALVENT - (hav’ ent): n. The style of automobile window that only rolls down halfway.
HAMNESIA - (ham nee' zhuh): n. The convenient gap in one's memory that allows one to forget a diet and instead pig out on goodies.
HANGLE - (hayn’ guhl): n. A cluster of coat hangers.
HANNAH-OBSCURA - hah' nuh ob skur' uh): n. Any unintelligible line in a popular cartoon theme song (e.g., in the Flintstones: "...through the courtesy of Fred's big feet").
HASBROGANY - (haz brog' uh nee): n. The crime of allowing a child who does not meet the "age and up" requirement to participate in a board game.
HEADWEASELS - (hed’ wee zuhls): n. Snooty, pompous, overbearing maitre d’s who address you in the third person: “How many are we tonight?”
HEISTENATION - (hyst’ eh nay shun): n. The sudden inviting notion acquired when seeing an open safe or bank vault that suggests maybe, just maybe, you could get away with it.
HELICRATE - (hel' ih krayt): n. Any mobile home in a tornado-prone area. (See also: MOBICIDE.)
HEMOPLUGS - (hee' moh plugz): n. Small pieces of toilet paper applied to shaving wounds.
HEMPENNANT - (hem’ pen ent: n. Any coattail, cuff, or dress hem dangling outside the door of a moving vehicle.
HICCUMUMBO - (hik uh mum' boh): n. Any preposterous ritual to which otherwise sensible, God-fearing people will resort in order to alleviate hiccups (e.g., salt-tossing, cemetary visitations, incantations, etc.).
HIGHYIMES - (hi' yimes): n. Those 1-800 number operators who threaten to return at the end of the magazine subscription commercial to "tell you how to receive your free gift."
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