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Sep 5, 2008 - 06:38 PM |
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Complete Sniglet Compendium Pt. 2 |
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HOLEYMOLEY - (hoh lee moh' lee): n. The tiny hole in your pocket that inevitably grows larger on a diet of coins and keys.
HOOPTOOTS - (hoop' tootz): n. Strange bugle sounds at basketball and hockey games, the source of which no one seems able to identify.
HOPNO - (hohp’ noh): n. The emergency repair of a hem with staples that you sincerely pray nobody will notice.
HOROSCOPIA - (hohr’ oh skoh pee yuh): n. The lingo or advice in a horoscope that can be applied to any person, anywhere, in any circumstance, ever.
H2OT - (aych too aht'): n. The heated water that comes out of a garden hose after it has sat in the sun all day.
HOUNDWOUNDING - (hownd’ wown ding): v. The act of a dog circling a spot three or four times before settling upon it.
HOUSE CHANGE - (haus' chaynj): n. Unclaimed coins that can always be found beneath couch cushions and reclining armchairs.
HOWUZITIZE - (hau wuz' it ize): n. To scan the faces of exiting moviegoers in an attempt to determine the quality of the film.
HOZONE - (ho’ zohn): n. The mysterious dimension to where one sock in every laundry load disappears.
HUDNUT - (hud’ nut: n. The bolt left over when one has finished reassembling a bicycle or car engine.
HUMOMENTUM - (hu moh men' tum): n. Precious extra feet in an out-of-gas car gained by urgently thrusting one's body forward.
HYDRALATION - (hy druh lay’ shun): v. Acclimating oneself to a cold swimming pool by bodily regions: toe-to-knee, knee-to-waist, waist-to-elbow, elbow-to-neck.
HYPOCRITULATION - (hip oh krit yew lay' shun): n. The seemingly joyous reaction of the runners-up as they surround the winner at a beauty pageant.
HYSTIOBLOGINATION - (his’ tee oh blahg in ay’ shun): v. The act of trying to identify a gift by holding it to your ear and shaking it.
ICISION - (ih sih’ zhun): n. Delicate operation performed on Neopolitan flavored ice cream in which one entire flavor is precisely and systematically removed.
IDIOLOCATION - (id' ee oh low kay' shun): n. The spot on the shopping mall map marked "you are here."
IDIOT BOX - (id’ ee uht bahks): n. The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp just in case they can’t quite figure it out for themselves.
IDPRESSION - (id preh’ shun): n. The sudden attempt to stifle one’s laughter upon viewing the photograph on another person’s driver’s license.
IGNISECOND - (ig’ nih sek und): n. The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car door even as the brain is screaming “my keys are in there!”
ILLUMINOT - (il ew' mih nawt): n. The device in airplane bathrooms that won't let the light come on until you lock the door.
IMPASSENGERS - (im pas enj urz): n. Two people, one inside the car, one outside, negating each other's actions while trying to unlock the door.
INADEQUILL - (in ad' uh kwil): n. The feeling one gets when not answering a personal letter promptly.
INCOMEPOOP - (in’ kum pewp): n. The smell on a cashier’s fingers from handling money all day.
INCONSMUTULOUS - (in kahn smut’ yew lus): adj. Buying extraneous magazines to help camouflage a copy of Playboy or Penthouse.
INCUISINATORS - (in kwiz ih nay’ turz): n. People at adjoining restaurant tables who seem far more interesting in your food than their own.
INDIGESTURES - (in dih jest’ jurz): n. The half-hearted protestations you feel required to offer when someone else is picking up the check.
INDYSECOND - (in' dee sek und): n. The moment of hesitation you have just before gunning your car and running the yellow light. (See also: ACCELOYELLOS.)
INELVITABLE - (in el' vih tuh bul): adj. The uncanny ability of a band in old Elvis movies to materialize from nowhere whenever Elvis begins to sing.
INKFLAMATION - (ink fla may’ shun): n. The point at which the ballpoint pen you’re chewing on begins to taste peculiar, causing you to suspect that your face and mouth have been blackened with ink.
INKNITION - (ink nih' shun): n. The metal clicker at the top of a cheap ball point pen that: a) puts it into operation and b) is also perfect for driving substitute teachers crazy.
INKSLICK - (ink’ slik): n. A greasy spot on a piece of stationery or test paper.
INNINGFRINGEMENT - (in ning frinj' ment): n. The warning near the end of a baseball broadcast that warns listeners against starting their own station and "rebroadcasting the accounts and descriptions of this game."
INTUNATIVE - (in tewn’ uh tiv): adj. The condition of mentally hearing a song begin on an album or the radio mere seconds before it plays.
INTUXICATION - (in tuks ih kay’ shun: n. The confusion as to whether the ribbed openings on a cummerbund are supposed to face up or down.
INVISIVOIDANCE - (in viz uh voy' dans): n. The ability to disappear in order to avoid saying hello to someone.
IRANT - (eye’ rant): n. A seamless pistachio nut; a pistachio nut afraid to come out in public.
JACKSTOP - (jak' stahp): n. The stop you make fifteen feet from the pickup window to make sure your order is all there and to make adjustments (straw through drink, etc.) for simultaneous eating and driving.
JAVAJETSAM - (ja va jet' sum): n. Washed ashore coffee grounds on the rim of the cup.
JAVA-VU - (jah’ vah vew): n. Phenomenon of constantly adjusting the sugar/cream level of your coffee to your liking, only to have a waitress come along and ruin it again.
JEMIMITES - (je my' myts): n. Extremely tiny pancakes formed from the batter that fell off the ladle.
JETSCHPIEL - (jeht’ shpeel): n. The enthusiastic “safety speech” given by flight attendants that 95% of flyers thoroughly ignore.
JIFFYLUST - (ji’ fee lust): n. The inability to be the first person to carve into a brand-new beautiful jar of peanut butter.
JOES OF ARC - (johz’ uhv ark): n. Tiny drops of coffee that die on the burner after the pot is removed.
JOHN HANCROCK - (jahn han’ krahk): n. A signature, usually found on diplomas and corporate checks, that has been unceremoniously stamped there as opposed to handwritten.
JUJUSPECTION - (joo' joo spek shun): v. To hold a jujube up to the cinema screen in order to determine its color.
JUKEJITTERS - (jook’ jih turz): n. The fear that everyone thinks you picked the awful tune emanating from the jukebox when it was actually the person before you.
KATPRANO - (kat prah' noh): n. The high voice one uses when summoning a cat.
KAWASHOCK - (kah wah shahk’): n. The act of pulling into the last remaining parking space only to discover a motorcycle there.
KEDOPHOBIA - (ked oh fo’ bee uh): n. The fear of having one’s shoes “eaten” by the teeth on the escalator.
KEYFRUIT - (kee’ froot): n. The one apple, pear or tomato in the stand that, when removed, causes all the others to tumble forward.
KEYLONIUS - (kee loan' ee us): adj. The slight trace of criminality one feels when having his keys duplicated.
KIDFUSION - (kid few' zhun): n. The state wherein a parent stumbles over the names of all her children before calling the proper one, i.e., "Matt, Ruth, Ken, Edward, Tina, BOB, get over here!"
KIRKWALK - (kir' kwok): v. When hiking through snow, using the footsteps of one who has boldly gone before you.
KLEPTORCEPTORS - (klep' tor sep torz): n. The two-foot long (security overkill) plastic device encasing cassette tapes at a music store.
KNIMPEL - (nim’ pul): n. The missing last piece of a jigsaw puzzle.
KNUCK - (nuk): n. Ice cream collected on the back of the hand when scraping the last portions from the container.
KNUCKLECHEESE - (nuk' uhl cheez): n. Shreds of skin lost when grating cheese.
KRASHTONITE - (krash’ tuhn ite): n. The indestructible material from which the airplane’s “black box” is designed, which prompts the question, “why isn’t the rest of the plane made from this stuff?”
KROGLING - (kroh’ gling): v. The nibbling of small items of fruit and produce at the supermarket, which the customer considers “free sampling” and the owner considers “shoplifting.”
LACTOMANGULATION - (lak’ toh mayn gyoo lay’ shun): v. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the “illegal” side.
LACTO-OSTEOKIBLETIC - (lak' toh os' tee oh kih bleh' tik): adj. The secret urge to taste Milk Bones or dog food just to get an idea of what your dog has to look forward to for the rest of his life.
LACTOSPANSION - (lak toh span' shun): n. Phenomenon that causes any amount of spilled milk to produce three times its original volume upon impact.
LAMINITES - (lam’ in itz): n. Those strange people who show up in the photo sections of brand-new wallets.
LARF - (larf): v. To lick and retain a fork for dessert.
LARSENTIOUS - (lar sen’ tee us): adj. Consulting the comics page before addressing any other section of the newspaper.
LAVORTEX - lav’ ohr teks): n. Megasuction force of airplane toilets that banishes the slightest piece of toilet paper deep into the bowels of the plane’s interior.
LEBBETTS - (leh’ betz): n. The “heels” of a loaf of bread that are passed over in the belief that the slices in the middle are “fresher”.
LEXICAVES - (leks' ih kayvz): n. Indentations on the side of a dictionary.
LEXPLEXED - (leks' plekst): adj. Being unable to find the correct spelling for a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
LIGS - (ligz): n. The two small metal tabs that hold an Ace bandage in place.
LIMALOPE - (ly’ muh lohp): n. The disgusting foreskin on a lima bean.
LINENARCTICA - (lin en ark' tik uh): n. The corner of the bed that is impossible to reach when putting on new sheets.
LINENEE - (lih nen nee’): n. The member of a two-person folding team at the laundromat who takes the sheet and completes the fold.
LINGERUISTICS - (ling’ gur ew is tiks): n. The phenomenon of staring at a word so long that it begins to appear misspelled and eventually loses all coherent meaning whatsoever.
LIPPLE - (lih’ puhl): n. The excess balm that collects around the outside of the Chapstick cap after it’s been resealed.
LINTHLYPTUS - (lin tu lip' tus): n. Any cough drop found in one's pocket or purse after a long period of time.
LITMUSLOAD - (lit' mus lode): n. Any washload that comes out the color of the one item that faded.
LOBSTERINE - (lahb’ stur een): n. The green stuff that oozes from the center of the lobster.
LOCKOBLANKO - (lok' oh blayn' koh): n. The trauma of returning to school following Christmas vacation and being unable to remember one's locker combination.
LODGECOMBING - (loj’ koh ming): n. The final reconnaissance before vacating a motel room.
LOGGIUM - (lawg’ ee yum): n. Excess water that drips from one’s nose hours after swimming.
LOISANBOBS - (loh' is an bahbz): n. Christmas cards signed in first names only, giving you absolutely no idea who these people are.
LOOBLAZE - (lew’ blayz): n. The blinding glare experienced when turning on the bathroom lights at 3 A.M.
LOOMLIES - (lewm’ leez): n. Jockey shorts that have lost their elasticity.
LOONIEBABBLING - (loo' nee bab ling): v. The act of inhaling the contents of a helium balloon in an attempt to talk like a member of Alvin and the Chipmunks.
LOOTCHUTE - (loot' shoot): n. The vacuum tube used in drive-through banks to move money back and forth to customers.
LORP - (lawrp): n. The part of the shoe that collapses when you try to pull it on without a shoehorn.
LOSERLITTER - (lew zur lih’ tur): n. The paper accumulations found on the ground at racetracks and betting parlors.
LOTSHOCK - (laht’ shahk): n. The act of parking your car, walking away, and watching it roll past you.
LOUISPRIMADONNA - (lew ee pree’ ma dahn ah): n. The snobbish manner in which a woman always carries about a Louis Vuitton purse for all to behold.
LUB - (lub): n. The small deposit of spinach or otherwise garish food substance that lodges itself between one’s teeth.
LUMILUMP - (loo' mih lump): n. The buildup of moviegoers at the top of the cinema aisle waiting for a light scene to appear on the screen so they can see the seats.
MAGGIT - (mayg’ it): n. Any of the hundreds of subscription cards that fall from the pages of a magazine (pl. MAGGREGATE).
MAGLERK - (mag' lurk): n. The ingenious wedge made in a coffee lid to facilitate safe consumption while driving.
MAGNACARTIC - (mag nuh’ kar tik): adj. The property of an automobile, when left unattended, to attract every shopping cart within the vicinity.
MAGNAGRAM - (mayg’ nuh gram): n. Any sign that takes on a new meaning when a magnetic letter falls off.
MAGNIPHOBIA - (mayg nih fo’ bee yuh): n. The fear that the object in the side mirror is much much closer than it appears.
MALIBUGALOO - (mayl ih bew’ guh lew): n. A dance that affects barefoot beachgoers on hot summer days.
MALLCONTENTS - (mawl’ kon tentz): n. The collection of bored, ticked-off husbands always seen sitting on benches in the middles of shopping malls.
MALLWALTZIST - (mahl wahlt' zist: n. The person hired to demonstrate organs and keyboards in shopping malls.
MALTIAN - (mawl’ shun): n. The vaguely humanlike creature in a diner, with concave cheeks, bulging forehead veins and a clearly outlined skull, who is sucking on an overly thick milkshake.
MALTIGO - (mahl' tih go): n. The temporary state of confusion experienced upon exiting a store in a mall and not remembering by which direction one entered.
MAJURY - (mah' ju ree): n. Blatant lies and illogic that mothers use to discourage "dangerous" behaviors among children (i.e., "What if your face freezes like that?").
MANGLAZETTE - (mayng luh zet’): n. The newspaper at the top of the stack that everyone passes over, believing the ones beneath it have better or fresher news.
MANILLIUM - (mah nil’ ee yum): n. The lifespan of the clasp on a manila envelope before it breaks off and dies.
MANUMULCHING - (man' yew mul ching): v. Transporting leaves by sandwiching them between one hand and the rake.
MARGRANE - (mar' grayn): n. The blinding pain incurred from drinking Margarita slush too quickly.
MARKAHOLIC WARD - (mark’ ah hawl ik wohrd): n. The place in your desk where you send dried-out felt tip pens to recover.
MARMAL - (mar' mul): n. The bits of orange peel suspended in marmalade.
MARP - (marp): n. The impossible-to-find beginning of a roll of cellophane tape.
MATRIHISS - (mat' rih his): n. The tiny amount of air that always escapes before sealing off an air mattress.
MATRIPHOBIA - (mat rih foh’ bee uh): n. Noticeable distance that single men keep from the women who just caught the bouquet at a wedding.
MATTRESCOTTING - (mat’ res kot ting): n. The pattern of grey and white lines on an institutional mattress.
MAWLK - (mawlk): n. The one deflated or "factory irregular" malted milk ball in every box.
MAYBELO - (may’ bel oh): n. The shape a woman makes with her mouth when applying makeup.
MAYPOP - (may’ pahp): n. A bald tire.
MAYTAG MASSAGE - (may' tag muh sahj'): n. The momentary thrill experienced while sitting on a washer as it launches into the spin cycle.
McMAGNAMAT - (mik mag' nuh mat): n. The paper place mat on the McDonald's tray that adheres, no matter how much you try to shake into the trash receptacle.
McMONIA - (mik mohn’ ee yuh): n. The noxious gas created by a fast-food employee mopping beneath your table while you’re eating.
McNERTIA - (mak nur' sha): n. Malaise that prevents a McDonald's employee from filling your order too quickly, or too correctly.
MEDIPEEP - (meh' dee peep): v. To surrender to temptation and look inside a host's bathroom cabinet to see from what kind of afflictions he or she suffers.
MEGANEGABAR - (meg uh neg' uh bar): n. The line you draw across the "amount" section of a check to prevent people from adding "and a million dollars."
MELBLANGUAGE - (mel blayng’ wij): n. The uproarious conversation baby boomers engage in when discussing their favorite cartoons.
MELON-DIXON LINE - (mel' un diks' un lyn): n. The point of the watermelon you do not eat below because someone once told you it causes stomachaches.
MEMNANTS - (mem’ nentz): n. The chipped or broken M&Ms at the bottom of the bag.
MEMOMIMICRY - (mem oh mim' ih kree): n. The brief pause in a conversation where you pretend to be getting a pencil to write down an important message.
MEMOSPHERE - (meh' mo sfeer): n. The part of the sky one searches when trying to recall something in the past.
MENUGE - (men' you zhe): n. The person among a tableful of diners silently elected to hand all the menus back to the waitress.
MEOUCH - (mee’ owch): n. The part of a cat’s neck that you’re allowed to safely grab and lift (although the cat never appears to be convinced of this).
MERFERATOR - (mur’ fur ay tur): n. The cardboard core in a roll of toilet tissue.
MERLIN’S SUDS - (mur’ linz sudz): n. The mysterious force that allows a wet glass or dish astoundingly travel across a counter top seemingly by its own motivation.
MERTON EFFECT - (mur' tun ef fekt'): n. The theory that if you are in a fast-moving elevator and you jump up, you will never touch the floor again.
MESOGROOVIC - (mez’ oh grew vik): adj. Type of people who enter onto a dance floor already in motion.
METHYLPHOBIA - (meth il foh’ bee yuh): n. The fear that you are going to have to pay for the once cent you over-pumped at the service station.
MIASMA VICE - (my’ az muh vys): n. The background smoke used in film scenes to create a mood of impending danger.
MICROTREK - (my’ kroh trek): n. Any nervous trip to the microwave oven to make sure the house and/or the kitchen hasn’t incinerated.
MICROTS - (my’ krotz): n. The two thumbnail-sized pieces you end up with when trying to remove a paper towel from the dispenser in a public restroom.
MILD CORNARY - (myld kohrn’ ayr ee): n. Any adverse reaction to the price of movie theater popcorn.
MIMOIDS - (mim’ oydz): n. People who are curiously entranced by the scent of freshly photocopied papers.
MINIBLURB - (mih' nee blerb): n. That useless scrap of information about the author found on the back of a book.
MINNIE PEARL VISION - (mih' nee perl' vizh' un): n. The act of trying to envision how a pair of drugstore sunglasses will look on you without the huge tag dangling from them.
MINUTATER - (min' u tay tur): n. The smallest french fry in the bag. (See also POTENTATER.)
MIRRORABILIA - (mih rawr’ uh beel ee yuh): n. The useless junk (air fresheners, fuzzy dice, mortarboard tassels, etc.) hanging from any given rearview mirror.
MIRRORCIDE - (mi' rawr side): n. Leading cause of death among finches and parakeets.
MISCORDANCE - (mis kawr’ dans): n. The principle that states: when reaching for drape cords, you will always tug on the wrong one first, practically tearing down the whole contraption.
MISSPITS - (mis' spitz): n. Albino watermelon seeds.
MITTSQUINTER - (mit’ skwint ur): n. A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
MOBICIDE - (moh' bih syd): n. The stupefying principle that states the most tornado-prone areas attract the highest concentration of mobile homes. (See also: HELICRATE.)
MODADS - (moh’ dadz): n. All the free stuff (shampoo, moisturizer, sewing kits, etc.) one feels compelled to take when checking out of a motel (under the assumption that the next place you stay will be a real dump). (HODADS - Modads of higher quality found in hotels.)
MODOWN - (moh' down): n. The final phase of lawn cutting, the point at which one stops moving in a systematic up and down pattern and begin mowing in a haphazard angular pattern.
MOFFLIES - (maw’ flyz): n. Geezers who materialize at construction sites and feel compelled to point out that whatever it is you’re doing . . . you’re doing it wrong.
MOLOTOV CARTAIL - (mah' lah tav kar' tayl): n. Any service station towel used in place of a gas cap.
MOMETER - (ma' mee tur): n. The back part of a mother's hand that, when placed to a child's forehead, "knows" if the kid is running a fever or not.
MOMMENOIA - (mom muh noy' ah): n. The fear that the dentist or doctor will barge in and catch you playing with his equipment.
MONOPUTZ - (ma' noh putz): n. The one person during every game of Monopoly who feels compelled to point out how awesome it would be if the money were real.
MONOPYOLOED - (mahn’ ahp yoh lohd): n. The person controlling the largest empire during a Monopoly game; the only remaining player who wishes to see the game through to its natural completion.
MOOL - (mool): n. The little container on the side of a cash register into which your change appears.
MOPEEPS - (moh’ peepz): n. People compelled to look through the curtain opening of your motel room as they pass by.
MOPHENES - (moh’ feenz): n. The semi-truck headlights that invade your motel room at three in the morning.
MOTMESHS - (maht’ mesh ez): n. A pair of inseparable shopping carts.
MOTODRIFT - (moh’ toh drift): n. The mistaken belief, at a stoplight, that your car is moving backward when, actually, the car beside you is moving forward.
MOTSPUR - (maht’ spur): n. The pesky fourth wheel on a shopping cart that refuses to cooperate with the other three.
MOUTHLETIC - (mowth’ leht ik): adj. Having the useless talent, acquired in bars, of being able to twist a cherry stem into a knot with one’s tongue.
MOWERHAWK - (moh’ ur hawk): n. The strip of grass that remains here and there after mowing a lawn.
MOWMUFFINS - (moh’ muf finz): n. The dried accumulation of grass on the underside of lawnmowers.
MOZZALASTICS - (maht suh las’ tiks): n. Large deposits of cheese that stick to the top of the pizza box.
MUFFINLUST - [I](muh’ fin lust)[I]: The slightly illicit feeling one experiences when undressing a cupcake.
MULTIPOCHOHOLES - (mawl tee poh’ choh holz): n. Wounds left in test papers from overerasing.
MUMMABOLIC CHORUS - (mum uh bah’ lik koh’ rus): n. When three or more people are singing along to a tune and suddenly discover that each is faking their way through the unintelligible lyrics.
MUMMELOT - (muh’ muh laht): n. The bottomless repository to which theatre tickets are dropped after being torn.
MR. CEMENTEE - (mis' tur see men' tee): n. Any cement truck with colorful polka dots or stripes painted on it, ostensibly to attract children.
MUNCHBUNCH - (munch' bunch): n. The huddle that forms around the cake and cookies at an office celebration.
MUGPUDDLES - (mug' pud ulz): n. Small bodies of water that collect on upturned mugs in the dishwasher.
MUMPHREYS - (mum’ freez): n. Those strange extra digits you find on touch-tone telephones.
MUSQUIRT - (mus’ kwurt): n. The water that comes out of the initial squirts of a squeezable mustard bottle.
MUSTGO - must’ goh): n. Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project.
NABISCITES - (neh bih' skytz): n. Deteriorated cookie particles that remain submerged in the milk.
NABULANCE - (nab’ yew lans): n. The slow, nonchalant appearance of a hand growing out of your neck and groping for the unbuckled seat belt at your side, as viewed by the cop who just pulled you over.
NACLICAL JOKE - (nak' lik uhl johk): n. Gleeful practice of loosening salt shaker caps even though you know you won't be around to savor the outcome.
NAD - (nad): 18.4 centimeters: the average distance from a driver's outstretched fingertips to the ticket dispenser in a parking lot.
NADCATCHER - (nad kach’ ur): n. The bar on a man’s bicycle whose sole purpose seems to be painfully reminding the man of his own masculinity.
NAPGRAPHS - (nap' grafs): n. The markings you find on most institutional pillows.
NAPJERK - (nap’ jurk): n. The sudden convulsion of the body just as one is about to doze off.
NARCOLEPULACY - (nar koh lep’ yool ah see): n. The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone else in sight to yawn also.
NASALSTALGIA - (nay zul stahl' juh): n. Special smells that bring you back to another time and place, e.g., your mother's kitchen.
NEBULAND - (neh’ bew land): n. Any place where the “void where prohibited” clause on a game card appears.
NEBULANTS - (neh’ bew lantz): n. Those product ingredients that follow phrase, "contains one or more of the following," as if the manufacturers themselves don't know what goes in the stuff.
NEGATILE - (neh’ guh tyl): n. Any area of the bathroom floor where, somehow, the scale registers you five pounds lighter.
NEGLINTICS - (neh glin’ tiks): n. The study of why dark lint attaches itself to light clothing and vice versa.
NEOICE - (nee oh ice’): n. Any ice cube removed before its time that, upon close examination, resembles a carpenter’s level.
NEONPHANCY - (nee on’ fan see): n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
NERKLE - (nur’ kuhl): n. A person who leaves his Christmas lights up all year.
NEVITTS - (nev’ itz): n. The sandpaper-like deposits on a cat’s tongue.
NEUTRON PEAS - (new’ trahn peez): n. Tiny green objects in frozen dinners that remain cold even when the rest of food has been microwaved beyond recognition.
NEWSPAMPER - (nooz' pam pur): n. The plastic bag that appears on your newspaper on days when it rains or snows.
NEWTON - (new’ tihn): n. The cookie shell surrounding the fig in a Fig Newton.
NICAMEASLES - (nik' a mee zulz): n. Brown dots on the front of a ballplayer's uniform from spitting tobacco and missing.
NICOMETEOR - (nik oh mee’ tee awr): n. A cigarette that exits through a car’s front window and reenters through the back.
NIFLECK - (nih’ flek): n. The unmarked domino in the set.
NINKER - (nin' kur): n. Any utensil or item that positions itself inside a drawer so as to prevent the drawer from opening and allowing access to the problem.
NISTOLS - (niz tulz): n. The small, rubbery pads on the bottom of a dog’s paw.
NITVWIT - (nit' vwit): n. Any person who can't find the reverse gear in a Volkswagen.
NIZ - (niz): n. An annoying hair at the top of a movie screen.
NIZZLEBRILL - (nih’ zuhl bril): n. The “night-day” switch on a rear-view mirror.
NOCTURNUGGETS - (nok’ tur nuh gitz): n. Deposits found in one’s eyes upon awakening in the morning, also called: GOZZAGAREENA, OPTIGOOK, EYEHOCKEY, etc.
NOFLET - (nahf’ lit): n. The upward swirl of hair found on certain individuals such as Ronald Reagan and Big Boy.
NOGGENAVIGATION - (nog uh nav uh gay' shun): n. The ability of parents to guide their small children around by the tops of their heads.
NOMOR - (noh' mohr): n. The red slash and circle that is the symbol of Universal Hatred.
NOODLIUM - (nood' lee yum): n. The tiny window on the box through which you are allowed to view spaghetti and pasta.
NORTONISMS - (nor' tun iz umz): n. "Loosening up" motions made with the wrist before writing.
NOUGALICITY - (noo ga lis' ih tee): n. The degree to which a Snickers bar will stretch before the caramel snaps.
NOZZLOP - (noz' zlop): v. To look into a garden hose in zealous anticipation of the coming flow.
NUGLOO - (nug’ loo): n. A single continuous eyebrow that covers the entire forehead (also called UNIBROW).
NURGE - (nerj): v. To inch closer to a stoplight thinking that this will cause it to change quicker.
NUTRASECOND - (noo' truh sek und): n. The brief moment of pleasure before the aftertaste of a diet soft drink sets in.
NUTTONBUTTON - (nut' un but' un): n. The device at intersections marked "push to cross."
OATGAP - (oht’ gap): n. The empty space in a cereal box created by “settling during shipment.”
ODDIOVIDEO - (ah' dee oh vih' dee oh): n. Inexplicable phenomenon of tuning into a TV show you've seen just once only to have it be a repeat of the exact same episode.
ODGET - (ahd' jit): n. Those extremely obscure crayons that will never be used because nothing in the universe is the color of cerise.
OLINGO - (oh ling’ goh): n. Any extraneous o that is placed at the end of a word to make it more colorful, emphatic, etc. (e.g., “Nutso,” “Whacko”).
110 AT THE EQUATOR - (won’ ten at the ek way’ tawr): n. Any burning sensation experienced directly below the navel when putting on a pair of jeans straight from the dryer.
OOB - (oob): n. The hollow tube left behind when the onion accidentally slithers out of the onion ring.
OOPZAMA - (ewp’ zah mah): n. Sudden scratching of the scalp or face upon realization that the person at whom you were waving wasn’t who you believed it was.
OPHEAD - (op' hed): v. To smash one's head against the crease of the newspaper to get it to fold.
OPLING - (oh’ pling): v. The act, when feeding a baby, of opening and closing one’s mouth, smacking one’s lips and making “yummy” noises in the hope that baby will do the same.
OPTORTIONIST - (op tohr’ shun ist): n. The kid in school who can turn his eyelids inside out.
OPUKUM - (oh pewk’ uhm): n. That horrible-looking liquid in which the scooper rests at the ice cream parlor.
OPUP - (ahp’ uhp): v. To push one’s glasses back upon the nose.
ORCHIDAIR - (ohr kid’ ayr): n. The giant, see-through refrigerator at the florist where they keep the expensive flowers.
ORDACITY - (or das' ih tee): n. The crafty way advertisers have of wording order forms ("Gentlemen, please send me. . .," "Enclosed please find my check for. . .," "I understand that if I am not fully satisfied. . .") so that it looks like we wrote them ourselves.
OREOSIS - (awr ee oh’ sis): n. The practice of eating the cream center of an Oreo before eating the cookie outsides.
OROGAMI - (or oh gah’ mee): n. The miraculous folding process that allows Kleenexes to methodically emerge from the box one at a time.
OROSUCTUOUS - (or oh suk’ choo us): adj. Being able to hold a drinking glass to one’s face by sheer lung power alone.
ORQO - (oar' ko): n. The small bar that turns an "O" into a "Q." (Not to be confused with the Arqo which is the bar that turns an "R" into a drugstore.)
OTISOSIS - (oh tis oh’ sis): n. The inability to meet anyone else’s gaze in an elevator.
OUIJAUL BOARD - (wee’ hawl bohrd): n. The collection of business cards and flyers (“We Haul Anything”) often seen posted on the walls in laundromats and supermarket vestibules.
PAINTHEIST - (payn' thee ist: n. One who never believes a "wet paint" sign and must test the claim for himself.
PAJANGLE - (pah jayn’ guhl): n. The condition of awakening with one’s pajamas turned 180 degrees about the waist or torso.
PAKILAPSE - (pak' uh laps): n. The delay in service that is endured when the 7-11 clerk is forced to walk over and extract another roll of pennies from the MONEY FORT.
PAMPERY - (pam' pur ee): n. The pretense of going through someone's stack of baby pictures slowly, making cooing sounds, etc., when you really want to flip through them like a deck of cards.
PARD - (pard): n. The stubby, eraserless pencil that miniature golf courses and bowling alleys issue you, presumably to prevent you from changing your score.
PARSLEYCUTION - (par slee kew’ shun): n. The destruction of garnish on your plate out of fear that it will be recycled and darken your life another day.
PARSLEYVANIA - (par slee vay' nyuh): n. The place from where all the fancy restaurant garnish that is never eaten comes.
PASTAPLEGIC - (pas tuh plee' jik): n. Any person who's eaten so much spaghetti that he cannot move.
P.A.T. (PERCUSSIVE ACCORDION-TROMBONE) METHOD - (pee ay tee meth’ uhd): n. Standard approach to preparing a drinking straw for use: Consists of driving it sharply downward against a tabletop, thus causing the wrapper to rip open and achieve an “accordion” effect. The user then brings the exposed end of the straw to his mouth and blows the wrapper across the room.
PAYFALL - (pay' fal): n. The sound a public telephone makes that tricks you into thinking your coin was accidentally returned.
PEAMORPHO - (pee mor' foh): n. The peanut butter that escapes through the holes to the other side of the cracker.
PEDAERATION - (ped ayr ay’ shun): n. Perfect body heat achieved by having one’s leg under the sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
PEDIDDEL - (peh did’ uhl): n. A car with only one working headlight. (Antonym: LEDDIDEP: a car with only one working taillight.)
PEDLOCK - (ped’ lahk): n. The condition of a bicycle pedal wedging itself against the kickstand.
PEEPOLA - (pee poe' luh): n. The gap in the dressing room curtain that can never be completely closed.
PELP - (pelp): n. The crumbs and food particles that accumulate in the cracks of dining tables.
PENCICOPTER - (pen' sih kop tur): n. Classroom invention fashioned from a pencil and a ruler during periods of extreme boredom.
PENCIVENTILATION - (pen sih ven tih lay’ shun): v. The act of blowing on the tip of a pencil after sharpening it.
PEPPIER - (pehp ee ay’): n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PEPSILLUVIUM - (pep sil lew' vee yum): n. The tiny amount of cola that escapes when you push a straw through the plastic lid of a fountain drink.
PEPSUNAMI - (pep soo nahm' ee): n. The exciteable wave of carbonation that rises up and cascades over the glass when pouring a soft drink onto ice.
PERCALEVATE - (pur kayl' eh vate): v. To levitate oneself while trying to straighten out the bedsheets underneath.
PERCAMBULATE - (pur kam’ byew layt): v. The tendency of a fitted sheet to lose its grip and roll up the mattress.
PERCUBURP - (pur’ kyu burp): n. The final gasp a coffee percolator makes to alert you it is ready. (Outmoded sniglet)
PERMAPRESSION - (pur’ muh preh shun): n. The discovery that there is no real difference in the various cycles of your washing machine.
PERPHEW - (pur’ few): n. The overpowering aroma of a thousand colognes that assault you as you enter a department store.
PERPIDANKULAR - (pur pihd aynk’ ew lar: adj. The “parallel” method of lacing athletic shoes. (See also: DIANKULAR)
PETAPHOR - (pet’ uh fohr): n. Any descriptive phrase that includes an animal (“sick as a dog,” “crazy like a fox,” “slippery as an eel,” etc.).
PETONIC - (peh ton’ ik): adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
PETRIBAR - (pet’ rih bar): n. Any sun-bleachd prehistoric candy that has been sitting in the window of a vending machine for too long.
PETRIDENT - (peh' try dent): n. Old sticks of gum found at the bottom of a woman's purse.
PETROOL - (pet’ rool): n. The slow, seemingly endless strand of motor oil at the end of the can.
PETROULETTE - (pet roo let'): n. The risky game of driving about with your fuel guage below empty.
PEWTONE - (pyu tohn’): n. The major atmospheric component of towns with paper mills.
PEXZOOT - (pek zoot'): n. The small piece of lid that the can opener always passes over.
PHILOPOLOGIST - (fil ah pahl’ ah jist): n. A specialist who loads people onto amusement rides.
PHISTEL - (fis’ tuhl): n. The brake pedal on the passenger side of the car that you wish existed when you’re riding with a lunatic.
PHONESIA - (foh nee’ zyuh): n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as that person answers.
PHOSFLINK - (fos’ flink: v. To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out as if this will miraculously bring it back to life.
PHOTARD - (foh’ tard): n. Any oversized head in a high school yearbook, the result of not being present on photo day.
PHOTOYOKEL - (foh toh yoh’ kul): n. A person who presses the wrong button on a film camera, causing it to dismantle and expose the roll.
PHOZZLE - (fah’ zuhl): n. The buildup of dust on a record needle.
PIEBREAKERS - (py' bray kurz): n. The "waves" on the top of a meringue pie.
PIELIBRIUM - (py lih’ bree uhm): n. The point at which the crust on a wedge of pie outweighs the filling and tips it over.
PIELIGNMENT - (py lyn' ment): n. When eating pie, arranging it so that the pointed end is in line with one's chest.
PIEPUSHERS - (py’ puh shurz): n. Attendants at fast-food restaurants who, no matter what you order, try to unload apple or cherry turnovers on you.
PIEWAGON - (py’ way gun): n. The small vehicle that carries game pieces around a Trivial Pursuit board.
PICKLETTULANCE - (pik uhl et’ yoo lans): n. The ability to remember the entire family’s order at a fast-food restaurant.
PIFFLESQUIT - (pif’ uhl skwit): n. The wire net, or “harness”, surrounding the cork of a champagne bottle.
PIGGLYPHOBIA - (pig lee foh bee’ uh): n. The fear that everyone suspects you of shoplifting when you try to leave a store without having purchased anything.
PIGSLICE - (pig’ slys): n. The last unclaimed slice of pizza that everyone is secretly dying for.
PILLSBURGLAR - (pilz’ burg lur): n. A person able to sample the icing on a newly frosted cake without leaving a fingerprint.
PITJUDICE - (pit’ jew dis): n. The paranoia that any breed of dog you cannot immediately recognize is a deadly pit bull.
PIYAN - (py’ an): n. (acronym: “Plus If You Act Now”) Any miscellaneous item thrown in on a late night television ad. (Example: a pitchman trying to sell an all-purpose carving knife . . . “it’s the only knife you’ll ever need. Plus if you act now, this complete set of steak knives . . .”)
PLACEBASE - (pluh see' bays): n. Any item used as a base in a baseball game during an equipment shortage, such as a rock, a cardboard box or a large turtle.
PLADONIUM - (play’ doh nee uhm): n. The unique smell of new Play-Doh that almost tempts one to eat it.
PLASTIPAPERPLEXION - (plas tih pay pur plek’ shun): n. Inability to decide whether to choose paper or plastic, often resolved by settling for paper bags inside plastic ones.
POCKALANCHE - (pahk’ uh lanch): n. Perpetual action of reaching down to pick up an item fallen from a shirt pocket, only to have another item fall out.
POINT BLIMFARK - (poynt blim’ fark): n. The point at which the wheels on a stagecoach appear to turn in the opposite direction.
POLARIND - (poh’ luh’ rind): n. The peeling on an instant Polaroid snapshot.
POMOMADE - (pa' mom ayd): n. Emergency grooming product (active ingredient: saliva) used by mothers to smooth kids' hair.
PONUNDRUMS - (poh' nun' drumz): n. Those strange green mailboxes that are completely sealed off, the insides of which no civilian has ever witnessed.
POPTROOPERS - (pahp' trew purz): n. Kernels that leap over the side of the container onto the counter as the popcorn is being purchased.
POTENTATER - (poh' ten tay tur): n. The largest french fry in the bag. (See also MINUTATER.)
PORCELATOR - (pawr’ suh lay tawr): n. The “emergency” drainage hole near the rim of a bathroom sink placed there to prevent overflow.
PORKUS NON GRATIS - (por’ kus non graht’ is): n. The scraggly piece of bacon at the bottom of the package.
POSICRO - (pah’ sih kro): n. The magnetic or “charged” strip of Velcro. (ant. NEUCRO (new’ kro): n. The negative or “uncharged strip of Velcro to which Posicro adheres.)
POSTALPORTS - (poh’ stuhl pawrtz): n. The annoying cellophane windows in business envelopes that never line up with the address.
PREMADERCI - (pree muh dayr’ chee): n. The act of saying goodbye to someone, then running into him again moments later (usually accompanied by a lame quip such as “you following me?”).
PREMAIL - (pree’ mayl): n. Mail that is placed behind the visor in the car and is left for several months before it’s finally sent.
PREMALOOMA - (prem ah loo' mah): n. Any piece of aluminum foil that comes off the roll looking like the state of Nevada.
PREMBLEMEMBLEMATION - (prem blum em blum ay’ shun): v. Upon depositing a letter in a postal service mailbox, re-checking to make sure it’s gone all the way down.
PREMODEMOLITIONITION - (pree' mo deh mo lih shun ih shun): n. When the car ahead of you pulls too far out into the intersection, backs up, and you know that they haven't put the car into forward gear and will probably very shortly plow into you.
PRESSTENTIVE - (pres ten’ tiv): n. The one, dog-eared newspaper that’s been passed around the entire coffee shop.
PRETZALINE - (pret zah leen’): n. The salt deposit at the bottom of a bag of pretzels.
PRIMPO - (prim’ poh): n. A person who passes by a mirror, then has to step back, presumably to reassure himself that he still exists.
PROFANITYPE - (proh fan’ ih type): n. The special symbols used by cartoonists to replace curse words (points, asterisks, stars, and so on). It is yet to be determined which specific character represents which specific expletive.
P-SPOT - (pee’ spaht): n. The area directly above the urinal in public restrooms that men stare at, knowing a glance in any other direction would arouse suspicion.
PSYCHOPHOBIA - (sy koh’ foh’ bee yuh): n. The compulsion, when using a host’s bathroom, to peer behind the shower curtain to make sure no one is waiting for you.
PUKETORIALS - (pewk’ tohr ee uhlz): n. The lush photographs and “serving suggestions” offered by frozen dinner manufacturers in an attempt to make the product inside seem more palatable.
PULPID - [puhl’ pid): n. A child who enjoys the package or carton more than the item that came in it.
PULPSQULPGULP - (pawlp' skawlp gawlp): v. To slurp the grapefruit juice straight from the bowl in which it's served and abandon all civility.
PULPULARITY - (puhl pyew lahr’ ih tee): n. Molecular property of newspaper clippings that allows them to tear evenly from north to south but jaggedly east to west.
PUNTIFICATE - (puhn tih’ fih kayt): v. To try to predict in what direction a football will bounce.
PUPSQUEAK - (puhp’ skweek): n. The sound a yawning dog emits when it opens its mouth too wide.
PURCILIOUS - (per sil' ee yus): adj. The manner in which a man holds his wife's pocketbook in public, as if it contained some odious matter.
PUPKUS - (pup’ kus): n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to the surface.
PURPITATION - (pur pih tay’ shun): v. To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you don’t want it, then deposit it elsewhere, in another section.
PUSHOPATHIC - (puh' sho path' ik): adj. Having the secret urge to expedite the person ahead of you through a revolving door.
PUZZ - (puz): n. The “lint” that accumulates at the bottom of a jigsaw puzzle box.
PYRAMONSTER - (pie' ruh mon stur): n. That thing with one big eye on the back of a one dollar bill.
Q-SPICIOUS - (kew’ spih shus): adj. Examining a cotton swab immediately after us to make sure your brain isn’t attached to it.
QUADRIPHOBIA - (kwa dri foh' bee yuh): n. The fear of approaching a four-way stop sign and not knowing "who goes next."
QUANTATO - (kwahn tay’ toh): n. Any french fry so overloaded with ketchup that it has to be suspended above and then lowered into one’s mouth.
RADIOLIMBO - (ray dee oh lim’ boh): n. Long expanses of interstate highway where it is impossible to pick up any FM radio broadcasts except livestock reports.
RADIOPORKTIVITY - (ray' dee oh pork tiv' uh tee): n. The rainbows that form in two-week-old packaged meats.
RAGPOLE - (rayg’ pohl): n. The bamboo pole to which library newspapers are attached.
RAMPRIOT - (ramp’ ry uht): n. Free-for-all that erupts as soon as the stewardess utters the phrase “please remain in your seats until the plane has come to a complete stop.”
RAYCOON - (ray’ kewn): n. Any person who falls asleep while sunbathing with shades on and achieves a “masked” appearance.
RAZOR BAKUS - (ray’ zur bak’ us): v. Tightening one’s jaw like Mr. Howell from “Gilligan’s Island” in order to get a closer shave.
RE - (ar’ ee): n. The white filling in an Oreo cookie.
RECOGILOG - (re kog' ih log): n. The list inside of a library book that you always check to see if you recognize anyone else who's wasted time reading it.
REEDGES - (reed’ jez): n. The distinctive ridges on a Reese’s peanut butter cup.
RELED - (ree led’): v. To reset all the digital clocks in the household following a power outage.
REMOTANT - (ree moh' tant): n. Any alien creature who suddenly appears in the background of a news or feature report.
RESIDUDES - (rez' ih doodz): n. Those old men you always see sitting around the lobbies of cheap hotels.
RETINUS PIGMENTOASTUS - (reh' tih nus pig men tos' tus): n. The condition of being misled by the tinted window on a toaster oven into thinking something is "done."
RETRACTABEEPING - (ree trak’ tuh bee ping): v. Explaining to another driver, via a series of frantic hand gestures, that you honked by accident.
RETROCARBONIC - (ret roh kar bahn’ ik): n. Any vending machine that dispenses the beverage before the cup.
REYULERATE - (re yew' lur ayt): v. To reposition Christmas tree lights so that no two of the same colors are beside each other.
RICEROACH - (rys’ rohch): n. The burnt Krispie in every bowl of Rice Krispies.
RIGNITION - (rig nih’ shun): n. The embarrassing action of trying to start one’s car with the engine already running.
RINFRAKS - (rin’ fraks): n. The small pile of broken cones at an ice cream shop.
RINGS OF RATH AND KAHN - (ringz' uhv rath' and kahn): n. The mysterious red rings encircling some sliced balognas.
RINTINABULATION - (rin tin ab yoo lay' shun): n. The telltale jingle of your dog's I.D. tags that offer advance warning before overenthusiastic greetings.
ROCKTOSE - (rok’ tohs): n. The hard lumps that block the pouring spouts of sugar dispensers.
ROEBINKS - (roh’ binks): n. Those mysterious chimes you always hear when entering small boutiques and corner stores.
ROGERLAND - (rah' jer land): n. The netherworld from which highway patrolmen suddenly materialize.
ROHRSHIRT - (roar’ shurt): n. A shirt with an ink stain on the pocket.
ROOMSKILLETS - (rewm’ skil litz): n. Giant eight-ounce keys handed out by some hotels.
RORT - (rort): n. The item in the copier left behind by the previous user which you sometimes also copy because sooner or later the information will come in handy and you will be the hero.
ROTISSERATE - (roh tis' sur ayt): v. The act of turning over to even out one's suntan.
ROTOCORONETIC - (roh toh cah roh net' ik): n. A person who eats corn on the cob in an up and down or "column" style. (See also SMITHCORONETIC.)
ROVALERT - (roh’ vah lurt): n. The system whereby one dog can quickly establish an entire neighborhood network of barking.
ROVERGENCE - (roh vur' jens): n. The endearing quality of wet dogs to get as close to a human being as possible before shaking themselves dry.
RUBBAGE - (ruh’ bij): n. Large pieces of truck tire found on the sides of highways.
RUBUNCLES - (roo’ bunk ulz): n. The bumps on an uncooked chicken.
RUMPHUMP - (rump' hump): n. The seat on the school bus directly over the rear wheel.
SACRIJIGGLE - (sak rih jig' gul): v. Rustling the church offering plate without actually contributing.
SAIFWAIF - (sayf’ wayf): n. The abandoned, half-filled shopping cart seen in a supermarket aisle, apparently left by someone who was only “pretending” to be shopping.
SANIRIZE - (sah' nih ryz): n. The uncanny and embarrasing property of feminine products to defy gravity and float to the top of a woman's purse, making itself plainly visible to all upon entering.
SARK - (sark): n. The marks left on one’s ankle after wearing tube socks all day.
SCADINK - (skad’ ink): n. The annoying buildup of ink on the end of a ballpoint pen.
SCANNICPANIC - (skan' ik pan' ik): v. The act of tearing apart an entire living room in search of the television remote control instead of simply walking over and manually turning on the TV.
SCANOOT - (skah noot'): v. The quick scan and removal of embarassing items (photos, empty Ben & Jerry's containers, People magazine, etc.) when clearing off the car seat for a passenger.
SCHLATTWHAPPER - (shlat’ hwap pur): n. Any window shade that allows itself to be pulled down before hesitating momentarily, then snapping back up in your face.
SCHLITZSTOP - (shlits' stop): n. The one player in amateur softball games who always thinks he can handle his position and a beer at the same time.
SCHNUFFEL - (shnuf’ uhl): n. A dog’s practice of continuously nuzzling your crotch in front of guests.
SCHWIGGLE - (shwih’ guhl): n. The amusing rotation of one’s bottom while manually sharpening a pencil.
SCORBAGE - (skor bahj): n. Wadded up trash hurled toward the wastebasket from across the room.
SCOTCHROTOR - (skoch' roh tur): n. The wheel left behind when all the cellophane tape is used up.
SCRABITCH - (skrab’ ich): n. The impossible-to-reach area in the middle of the back that can never be scratched.
SCRATCHTASY - (skrach’ tuh see): n. The state of euphoria attained when scratching an itch.
SCRIBBLICS - (skrih’ bliks): n. Warm-up exercises designed to get the ink in a pen flowing.
SCRIBLINE - (skrib’ lyn): n. The blank area on the back of credit cards where one’s signature goes.
SCRIT - (skrit): n. Anything that’s been in the same place for at least fifty years without being used, such as the archaic bottles of hair tonic on a barber’s counter.
SEALYWHEELIE - (see' lee wee lee): n. The startled reaction when you turn over in bed and realize there's no more bed in that direction.
SECOND OILPINION [TO GET A] - (seh' kund oyl pin' yun): v. To check a dipstick, wipe it off, then recheck the level because you never "trust" it the first time.
SENTIMUCK - (sen’ tih muk): n. The gloopy feeling you get when you see a newly married couple aggressively stuffing cake into each other’s face.
SERVELENCE - (surv’ lents): n. The sudden lull in dinner conversation that occurs at a table of diners when the food is served.
SHIELDSNUGGLING - (sheeld' snug ling): n. A widely held childhood belief (often carried into adulthood) that by pulling all bedcovers closely around the body as possible, one will be immune from ghosts, goblins, burglars, etc.
SHIRTLOP - (shurt’ lahp): n. The asthetic condition of a shirt that has been improperly buttoned.
SHOCKLET - (shahk’ lit): n. The third hole on an electrical outlet that, until recent years, was a mystery to all.
SHOECIDE - (shew’ syd): n. One shoe, its partner nowhere to be seen, lying abandoned in the road.
SHOEFLY - (shoo’ fly): n. The aeronautical terminology for a football player who misses the punt and launches his shoe instead.
SHOWERSHROUD - (show' ur shrowd): n. Those hotel shower curtains that inexplicably wrap themselves around you as you shower.
SHRIMPEDIMENT - (shrim’ ped ih ment): n. The point on a shrimp’s tail that you cannot eat past.
SHUGGLEFTULATION - (shug left yoo lay’ shun): n. The actions of two people approaching, trying to maneuver around each other, and muttering a lame quip such as “thanks for the dance.”
SHURP - (shurp): v. Holding your own breath when a character in a television show or movie submerges himself in water.
SHUSS SHOCK - (shus shahk): n. The sensation of still wearing skis on your feet several hours after having removed them.
SHUZMA - (shuhz’ muh): n. The portion of window cleaner that the spray tube can no longer reach.
SHWEE - (shwee): n. The sound made by a door opening on "Star Trek."
SILICANAPE - (sih lih kan’ uh pay): n. The little bag of silica gel found among stereo parts that is marked “do not eat.”
SIRLINES - (sur lynz): n. The lines on a grilled steak or hamburger.
SIZZLAGE - (siz' lij): n. The amount of skin one is willing to sacrifice while testing an iron to make sure it won't burn one's shirt.
SKIVLINES - (skiv' lynz): n. The red or blue lines around the waists of jockey shorts that make them resemble fine china.
SKYLIE - (sky’ ly): n. The phony backdrop of a city skyline you see on “David Letterman” and the “Tonight Show.”
SLACKJAM - (slak’ jam): n. The condition of being trapped in one’s own trousers while trying to pull them on without first removing shoes.
SLEEVDINI - (sleev dee' nee): n. A person who fights his or her way out of a shirt without first unbuttoning the cuffs.
SLOANTIME - (slown' tym): n. The difference between real time and the time displayed atop the bank.
SLOLO - (sloh' loh): n. A nickel or dime stranded in a twenty-five cent gumball slot.
SLOOPAGE - (sloop’ ij): n. The tendency of hot dogs, hamburger and sandwich contents to slip from between their covers.
SLOOPHAPPY - (slewp’ hap ee): adj. The condition of people on boats who feel compelled to wave at every landlocked person they pass.
SLOOVERS - (sloo' vurz): n. Remnants of soap too small to use but too big to throw away.
SLOPWEAVER - (slahp’ wee vur): n. Someone who has mastered the art of repositioning the food on his plate as to give the appearance of having consumed a good portion of it.
SLOTGREED - (slaht’ greed): n. The habit of checking every coin return one passes for change.
SLOTTERY AND VENDICATION - (slaht’ er ee and ven dih kay’ shun): n. A public misdemeanor in which a person gambles on a vending machine, loses, and tries to exact revenge by kicking it.
SLOVERTURE - (slow' vur chur): n. The distorted music which begins every educational movie.
SLURCH - (slerch): n. The combination “ouch” and slurping noise one makes when eyeing someone else’s bad sunburn.
SLURM - (slurm): n. The slime that accumulates on the undersides of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long.
SLURPEESLOPPY - (slur pee slah’ pee): adj. The style of attire worn to a convenience store after 11 P.M.
SLUTURES - (sloo’ churz): n. The four white threads that protrude from a pair of jeans after the tag has been removed.
SMITHCORONETIC - (smith koh roh net' ik): n. A person who eats corn on the cob in a left to right or "typewriter" style. (See also ROTOCORONETIC.)
SMOKEYPOKEY - (smo kee poh' kee): n. Inertia, or lack thereof, that overcomes cars when they suddenly encounter a highway patrolman.
SMOOK - (smewk): n. The flimsy paper stretched across the examination table at a doctor's office.
SMUGSTICKER - (smug' stih kur): n. The price tag that otherwise intelligent people leave on their new car window for months.
SNABBLE - (sna' bul): v. To attempt to use a Sniglet while playing Scrabble.
SNACKFRICTION - (snak frik' shun): n. The act of jiggling popcorn or M&M's in your hand before inserting them into your mouth, as if somehow this will "excite" them into into tasting better.
SNACKMOSPHERE - (snak’ moh sfeer): n. The empty but explosive layer of air at the top of a potato chip bag.
SNACKTIVITY - (snak tiv' ih tee): n. Any amusing table pastime (i.e. putting olives on the ends of one's fingers, "biting faces" into a slice of bread, etc.).
SNACTIONALS - (snak' shun ulz): n. The crumbled cookies at the bottom of the package eaten without guilt since only whole cookies contain calories.
SNARGLE - (snar’ gul): v. To lessen the visual impact of a horror movie by filtering it through one’s fingers.
SNATWHAP - (snat' hwap): v. To force the change in a bed partner's snoring pattern by delivering a knee-to-kidney thrust.
SNIFFLERIDGE - (snif’ uhl rij): n. The trough leading from the nose to the upper lip.
SNIPOCRIT - (snih poh’ krit): n. One who silently scrutinizes the hairdresser’s hair before deciding whether to turn his own head over to this person.
SNOCKER - (snok' ur): n. The coin that wedges itself sideways in a coin tube and backs everything up.
SNOOKUMDOODLES - (snook' um doo dul): n. Charity bake-sale items that go unpurchased because they were created and donated by a woman who owns no fewer than six cats.
SNOOTIQUETTE - (snoo’ tih keht): n. The act of upgrading one’s table manners in direct proportion to the prices on the menu.
SNORFING - (snorf’ ing): n. The little game waitresses love to play of waiting until your mouth is full before sneaking up and asking, “Is everything okay?”
SNOWLARPLEXUS - (snoh lur plek' sus): n. The part of the abdomen that sustains injury when you're shoveling snow and suddenly come to a rise in the sidewalk.
SNUGGAGE - (snuh’ gaj): n. The compulsory act of retying both shoestrings when only one needed it.
SOMNAMBAPOLOGIST - (som nam bah pahl’ uh jist): n. Person too polite to admit he was sleeping, even when awakened at three in the morning.
SONGLONGER - (song' long gur): n. A person who always sings ". . . and many moooore" at the end of the "Happy Birthday" song.
SPAGELLUM - (spah jel’ uhm): n. The loose strand on each forkful of spaghetti that beats one about the chin and whiskers.
SPAGMUMPS - (spayg’ mumpz): n. Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail order items.
SPALDRAWLS - (spawl' drahlz): n. Etched autographs in sports equipment that the manufacturers would like you to believe were personally carved by the athletes themselves.
SPECLUMS - (spek’ lumz): n. The minuscule bumps on a strawberry.
SPEEB - (speeb): n. The beeping noises made by construction or service vehicles when they are backing into reverse.
SPERAWS - (speer’ awz): n. The pinched marks on the ends of hot dogs.
SPIBBLE - (spib’ buhl): n. The metal barrier on a rotary telephone that prevents you from dialing past 0.
SPIROBITS - (spy’ roh bitz): n. The frayed bits of left-behind paper in a spiral notebook.
SPIRTLE - (spur’ tuhl): n. The fine stream of juice from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye.
SPLATFORM - (splat’ form) n. The step on a ladder boldly marked “THIS IS NOT A STEP.”
SPOOD - (spewd): n. The flat wooden “spoon” that accompanies ice cream cups.
SPORK - (spork): n. The combination spoon/fork utensil found in fast-food restaurants.
SPLATFALLEN - (splat' fahl len): adj. The state of secret disappointment that follows reaching the end of a traffic jam and not seeing blood, gore, overturned vehicles, scattered currency, or anything else spectacular enough to justify the delay.
SPRATCHETT - (spra’ chit): n. The rubber bar at a checkout counter that separates one load of groceries from the next.
SPROUT LINES - (sprowt lynz): n. Visible lines at the bottom of trouser legs where the hems have been let down.
SPRUCE SPRINGSTEENS - (sproos sprig’ steenz): n. Those pine-scented car fresheners resembling small trees that you sometimes see dangling from rearview mirrors. (See also: MIRRORABILIA)
SPUBBLING - (spub’ ling): v. The superhuman feat of trying to wash one’s hands and manipulate the “water saving” faucets at the same time.
SPUDPUDDLE - (spud pud' dul): n. The area cleared out beside a stack of fries for ketchup.
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