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May 12, 2008 - 10:03 AM |
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Rawkee |
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Secret: I'd never seen any of the Rocky movies before last week.
Secret: I've seen them all now.
Secret: Keep it under your hat okay.
Secr-okay!?
You know those creepy DVD bins that constantly populate precious walking space at stores like McDonalds and Ted's Super Paperclip Extravaganza? They're often stacked high with obscure western movies nobody wants, or 'Zany Ten (10) Pack! Action! Shouting!' things... filled with obscure western movies nobody wants.
Well sometimes I'll hold my nose and have a dig through them, just in case something worthwhile appears. I've scored some pretty decent stuff in the past like example 1 and example 2. Now, here comes ROCKY. Three bucks. I've heard about them plenty in the past, but a movie about boxing? How delightfully absurd. Three bucks is three bucks though, and three bucks is bucks three thrbucksthreebu.
It was awkward to watch. I had a tough time figuring out if Rocky was really dumb or actually had brain damage. But he grew on me! When he started training for real, and the music kicked in. Oh man, the music. By the match at the end I was like FUCK YEAH COME ON ROCKY and all these veins were popping out of my neck. The fight was so good. But the ending was so.. it was like "Rocky wi-"BAM, END. CREDITS.
It became a drug. I had to have more. The next day I went on a rampage through the shops looking for Rocky II; running with my arms stretched out to coat hanger people, eyeballs rotating in different directions at once for maximum potential of spotting Rocky II. "ROOOOOOCCCCKKKKKKKKKYYYYY". Rocky jumped over a bloody park bench while outrunning an entire outbreak of zombie children. Rocky just got better and better. He went from shit all to holy shit, look at that place.
ROBOT MAIDS. It got to the point where Rocky was just so awesome he could punch holes in time itself and travel to the future to knock-out George Jetson and steal Rosie; his secret lover. AND SO FORTH. Not even Mr. T had a chance. By Rocky IV I was getting the shifty eyes just a tad. Did we really need a fourth one? Fuck yeah we did, he punched his way up a fucking mountain, then became king of Russia and completed Tetris by telling it shithouse jokes.
Rocky V? Stuff Rocky V. Why's he taking shit from everyone for so long. Should have thrown his kid out a window, then punched the ground under him to split it apart and cause a new continent just for his kid to be a lonely wanker on. The end was awesome; but he should have done that to Tommy Gun as soon he met him.
"Urr hurr hey Rocky, my name's Tommy Gun do you geddit lol"
"NICE TO MEET YOU"
*Punches him off the planet*
Rocky Balboa was pretty good, but Jesus he's like nine hundred years old now, he saved the world from alien dinosaurs, what more do you people want. The crowd should have thrown buckets of lava at the other guy.
In the end, Rocky sure did punched in the face a fucking lot. Every fight he ended up looking like rat shit with at least eight eyes split apart. Yet aside from Creed, his opponents never really ever looked as messed up. But Rocky still beat them. Because. Holy hell what a great bunch of movies.
Except Rocky V.
Fuck Rocky V.
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