 |
Apr 23, 2007 - 09:08 AM |
|
 |
Haven't done one of these since Febru-fuck, drowned |
|
|
The Taikai Kemono / Deep Water
 
Developer: Tamsoft
Publisher: 505 GameStreet
Where to buy: Davy Jones' Locker
He'll even chuck in some weeeed maaaaan... seaweed.
What the hell is this? Water, guns, blood, but not a breast in site! D3 must have been drunk to green light this game. Deep Water is very Waterworld-ish in that the world is.. mostly water. There is an introduction to this game, but rather than explaining why everything is wet, you just get a close up of your boat (at one point the camera goes through the boat like a ghost) and a screen telling you to go to the Harbour Shop. Very emotional intro, Square could learn a thing or two. So off we go, vrooooom, Harbour Shop! This is where you go to chat to people to learn the controls of the game. Except you don't actually see these people, and they CHARGE YOU MONEY for these insider secrets. You start off with no money so uuuh.. there's one exciting reason to read the instruction manual for a change.
Harbour Shop also acts as a place to buy weapons and obtain missions. First mission, go kill some sea monsters! "Why?" "BECAUSE THEY ARE MONSTERS IN THE SEA, DUH". Time to go to the little dot on the map. The areas you travel around in are as boring as a dead mule caught in a cluster of branches instead of landing in a pool full of kids below. Aside from the shop, there's maybe one or two little islands around. That's it. Very busy. WHOA THE MUSIC HAS GOTTEN DRAMATIC. It's just like Zelda. So like Zelda, when the music gets dramatic, you know you're one step closer to The Ganon™.
You can step away from the steering wheel, which is nice because it would be difficult to harpoon sea monsters from there. Walk on up to your harpoon at the front of the boat and hope like hell they decide to swim about in front of you. If not, you get out your shot gun and become John McClane. The 'sea monsters' range from sharks, to gigantic angry octopussies. Sometimes you'll be lucky and get attacked by cannons that have legs and walk on the water. Because that's what cannons do okay!
Aiming is an absolute disaster, your little dude can only turn around a tiny bit for some reason. So you're constantly running back and forth, trying to predict where they'll go next like a Space Invader. There's no lock on or anything, so we've gone back to 1996. Everyone dance. It's entertaining when say, a shark attacks. Very realistic, Tamsoft did their homework. It'll jump really high in the air and then just fall on top of the boat, and then warp somewhere else. All while the guy makes these orgasmic noises and breakdances on the spot. It's like an educational video.
"How's the water?"
"DEEP"
This is basically the whole game. You go to the Harbour Shop, get missions which all involve killing and move on to new areas which are just like the last. The world is very complex (no I didn't scan it all spaz for once, it's actually printed like that in the manual!) Well except, the missions appear whenever they feel like it. TOO BUSY, COME BACK LATER. That's fantastic, because there's so much to see and do if you aren't on a 007 mission. You can crash into a wall at full speed and get stuck! Or you could try and shoot the seagulls made of paper! It's all go go go! Stuff kinda gets more interesting in the later stages, because you get to take on pirate ships. Ah, the greatest sea monsters of them all! I enjoy defeating them with the shotgun. It must be the greatest bloody shotgun, I swear. You can be thousands of light years away from them and the shot gun will still hit. Yet the harpoon won't, tsk tsk. You're fired! Then uh, we'll pull you back in.
Some of the sea monsters will be extra gigantic-o versions, where one hit pretty much means GAMEU OVAH. You can also run out of petrol, that's kinda bad. Especially if you want to escape a gigantic-o sea monster because you're too much of a wuss to stand and slowly rotate while shotgunning up the joint. But it's worthwhile, because not only is the enemy sized blown up ten thousand percent, so is the BLOOD! You get these massive blurry walls of red all over, it's a party for sure.
That's the greatest water I've ever seen.
The game runs on the Superman 64 engine, Lex Luthor's pumped his smells all over the joint. That's not very good, Tamsoft usually make the nicer looking Simple 2000 games. I guess because this one wasn't about huge tits on underage girls they just didn't care. "WHY BOTHER GOING ON...". The music is pretty nice, especially the title screen. It gives you the impression the game will have gameplay. Also I kinda wish the Japanese name was Kimono instead of Kemono.
You guys should probably play this game it's right up there with Super Mario 64, Tetris and Pac-Man. You'll laugh, you'll cry! You'll cry some more! You'll laugh like a maniac while rocking yourself to sleep! A great fun, a great enjoy! DEEP WATER!
Final scare: 
Because the PAL box is something relevant for once!
_______________________________
Fighting Angels
Yakuza Fury
Demolition Girl
Paparazzi
Pinball Fun
Zombie Zone
Space Invaders Revolution
Party Girls
Street Boyz
Deadly Strike
Rollercoaster World
Snowboard Racer 2
Oh oh, also other action packed news while I'm here
- I bought this awesome cheese the other day, oh man it's so awesome!
- I wanna do something cool for my next entry since three zero zero and all but I dunno what.
- News.. uuuumm.. oh yeah, bar course this week. Cutting it a bit close here. You know, like how to pour beer in glasses. Tricky, tricky skills.
| Currently Playing: Zool - Candy Land (ROCKIN' BEATS, FULLY SICK, DRAT THERE'S A BEE!) |
|
|
|
|
|
