Dying Friendship

I kinda want advice from people who aren't involved as everything seems so jaded now.

A friendship I've had for about a decade seems to be coming to a close. Two close friends of mine stopped talking to each other, and the one who chose to stop talking to the other has pretty much stopped talking to me as well.

Since that argument between those two, it's just hard for me to talk to the one I've known for so long. We had a great friendship, best friends, and I don't regret befriending her at all. But I keep thinking of all these little ways that she hurt me, and then I internally debate over whether it was her or if I'm just so jaded now that my view might be wrong.

She's grown up with disabilities and is very hypersensitive. But in that hypersensitivity concerning her own feelings, she's very insensitive towards others.

There's all these little things that she's done that made it to the point where I really don't enjoy hanging out with her anymore. She's very self-centered and wants people to ALWAYS be happy, despite the fact that that is impossible. She doesn't like confrontation and anytime she seems to be "losing" she will play the victim or demand that people don't talk about whatever is upsetting her. (I swear, she pulled that on me when I confronted her about HER telling ME to clean my room when we were roommates.) I must admit that this and many other little things drove me away, and made me enjoy hanging out with her a lot less.

Still the whole thing with her and our other friend breaking off their friendship, and then her mysteriously not talking much to me... it really got to me. This is someone who was proclaiming I was her BEST FRIEND. And this happens. And then nothing. I was rather shocked. It seemed like the root of the argument was from me becoming closer friends with my other friend, so she was jealous, as if a person was only allowed to have one REALLY close friend. If that was the case... why wasn't she still trying to talk to me?

So now for the new year she posts about 2007 in her livejournal (which I watch) and concerning my friend and I and it's just... wow. She mentions us anonymously, but it's so obvious...

Quote:

Next big thing is one I don't need to talk much about, But it was one of the major things of 2007. There was a bit of trouble with friends. Now I'm not talking to one of them and the other thinks its all my fault. After all this I started to not care as much. If people want to think they suck then they can think that. Though it also brought up the though a lot if I'm really a good friend or not.

I'm just... shocked more. I'm not sure what to think. I've been hurting over this for months and she mentions it like it's almost nothing. Like she doesn't care that we'd been friends for ten years. Let alone being friends with our other friend for three years.

I'm not sure how to take it. I'm not sure what to do. Of course I want to contact her to talk about things, but I don't know what to say and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want to talk about it. All I've done, all she and I did together... Despite her driving me nuts, I really did care. And now it's like it amounted to nothing and she's OKAY with that. It boggles me. All that time wasted and she doesn't truly care. I was just someone to be there so she could fangirl and have fun. Though I wasn't the best, I tried to support her. And when I was down I'd just get "Don't be sad. T^T" or when I needed rides home from college late at night during finals week she was angry at me for not finishing my work sooner, whereas I'd give rides to friends in that position in a heartbeat...

It's just like... was I really so blind? In trying to be understanding of her disabilities, did I let her get away with too much? There are so many little things... little things that never really changed... I really don't know what to do.

Also she has some stuff I lent to her that I REALLY want back, and I'm not sure at all how to approach that. I'd let them go if some of it wasn't gifts from my mother that actually mean something to me. D: I really could use advice there...

Also something that made me angry in her journal was that she was going to room with a friend who had been commuting to school, and then decided that since they argue a lot, they'd argue a LOT more if they were living together. So she bailed out. After she signed the papers for the room. And she doesn't seem to really have any remorse over it, even though her friend won't even talk to her now, and says that's because of what happened with our other friend and me.

How. HOW can a person be like this? How can she only see how things affect herself? It's so sad and frustrating. She was a dear friend, but this... I just don't know. I just don't know how to handle it.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Sounds like a pretty typical bitch. I think you should just be happy that you weren't some poor guy that had a boner for her and is only realizing that she's a bit of a bitch now.

Quote:

I'm just... shocked more. I'm not sure what to think. I've been hurting over this for months and she mentions it like it's almost nothing. Like she doesn't care that we'd been friends for ten years. Let alone being friends with our other friend for three years.

From everything I've seen of friendship breakup things or whatever online, she's probably just trying to make it look like you don't matter to her since she knows you're reading it and might even be trying to make stick it to you even more.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Amusingly, she just recently acquired a boyfriend, which may be part of why she'd not so torn about losing other friends at the moment. Since she visited me at work once to say, "I have good news! I have a boyfriend!" This is coming from someone who a few years ago told me not to talk about a guy I had a big crush on because he was a real live boy! >_>

And yes, it does seem like she's trying to downplay the whole thing. I'm pretty sure she meant to say, "If people want to think I suck then they can think that." But she tends to mix up stuff when she's upset (part of her disabilities), so it seems more like she's in denial.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

The odd thing about this, is that some of the things you said remind me of one of my friends. The guy would randomly say embarrassing things in public or say insulting things to his friends and not understand why people are bothered by it. Like he called my one friend named Scott, "Fat Scott" to his face repeatedly. It's like as long as he's enjoying himself, he can't understand why other people aren't. Because he actually gets mad if anyone confronts him about his behavior.

From the sounds of it, clinging to this friendship may just make things worse for you. People don't change, especially if they're incapable of admitting when they're wrong. This is a problem with being a friend in a group, it seems like if two people stop being friends. They expect the other friend to stop being friends with that person as well.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

She does care, and she is questioning herself, as you can see from the end of her post. I'm sure your friendship did mean a lot to her, but people move on, and sometimes, incompatibilities become too difficult to be worked out. Friendships aren't always easy, but if it was getting this hurtful, maybe the best thing for you and your former friend is not to be so close anymore?

Sure, it would be nice if it could all be resolved in a conversation, but it sounds like it's a really fundamental problem that won't simply be brushed aside either way. You may still choose to talk to her and tell her how you feel, if you think it will make you feel better, but remember that it won't change her, and that she may not react in the way you are hoping for.

Lastly, don't torture yourself by reading her livejournal. It doesn't do any good.

People can change along with the experiences they make, but you can't change them.

I was speaking idiomatically.

I, myself have had the sting of a friend blasting me on her livejournal. I was pissed but I let it go. I did distance myself from this person though.

I would say distance yourself from this 'friend'. While I am all for talking to her about it, it seems that with her disability that may be out of the question.

I would continue to talk with her, but heavily advise getting your stuff back. Not trying to be selfish, but it's your stuff and you best get it back before something else happens.

I would then be her friend and be there for her but kinda let her go her own way and you your own.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Yeah, I really want my stuff back, which probably is a bit selfish, but... The two things I want back most being art books that my mom got for me. I lent them to her to study from and she never used them, which was kind of another stab for me.

As for watching her on livejournal, that was completely coincidental. She hadn't posted in so long, I thought she gave up on it. I kinda forgot she even had an account there. Heheh.

I hope these experiences do reach her soon. She onto losing a third friend in one year afterall. I surely don't hate her, but I dunno... she's changed... I've changed... it's time to move on. I just wish it wasn't on such terms.

FELIPE NO

Nah, it's not selfish, you should ask her for your stuff. If you're sure that the friendship between you two has died and you don't have any regrets about it then there's nothing you can lose by asking her for your stuff.

That should help you feel more like you're closing that chapter of your life...

It's not about hating her or not for her behaviour or changing as a person, people do change sometimes and they're just not as compatible anymore as they used to be. Sure, it hurts to end a friendship in such terms, but clinging to a dead friendship will just hurt you more and more and in the end.

You should ask her for your stuff and sever all ties you have with her. If she doesn't care you shouldn't either. At least you'll think less about her that way.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

I want to thank everyone for the advice. It's good to know that I'm not just paranoid. I always wonder if I'm overreacting, but then... I know these feelings are for a reason.

I'm not quite ready to talk to her about getting my stuff, but I'll work up to it. I have a couple things of hers I really should give back too before I forget.

How ya doing, buddy?