Getting over the looks

People are visual creatures let's not deny it, and we work partly based upon visual attraction, at least initially anyway, but stunning good looks do not develop personality or a strong character, and let's face it, looks fade (unless you're Demi Moore, I joke, but she does look good at her age you've got to admit) and things get saggy, it's just a fact of life; you can't stop your collagen and elastic fibers to get old and stretchy nor your bone loss.

Why? Who knows, maybe due to mass media telling us what is beautiful and what we should have, maybe our instincts on good potential mates (don't want a sickly person, right? We need to have good progeny), or something else, I don't know, nor is that the topic at hand, but life is a lot easier for beautiful people (easier to land a job, easier to find a mate, just easier), and as luck would have it, most people are ugly (by whose standards? Who knows, but the same goes for how there are more overweight and unhealthy people than there are lean and fit people), sad but true.

Anyway, what I want to know is how you get over someone's facade to really get to know who they are, because at the end of the day, it's the person inside that really counts? If there were a mantra like "Shallow Hal needs a gal" I'll go ahead and repeat it, but I don't expect Tony Robbins showing up on my doorstep anytime soon to use his wizardry on me. I think it's unfair that we judge people so suddenly over something they have no control over. And I'll admit, I am shallow to a degree, it's just how we are made, and some of us can break out of that habit, but if there's a 10-step process to get there in getting rid of all expectations, I have no idea what it is. Do you?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Having expectations isn't always a bad thing. Look, if you're the nicest person in the world but your hideously ugly, you're a great friend. If I'm looking for a romantic relationship, looks matter. I don't demand supermodel beauty, but there has to be something I can find reasonably appealing, period. I don't apply any visual standards past 'do they shower' to friends, but in someone I'd want to spend time in a romantic relationship, looks are definitely part of the equation. And I don't think that's a bad thing.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

A physically attractive person just naturally catches my attention. It would be even more fortunate if the person had an appealing personality to match, but that's not always the case, of course. That being said, I've known physically average to below-average people who had terrible personalities as well.

My expectations may be a little high when considering qualities of the opposite sex, but I can recognize a good personality when I encounter one. I once knew someone several years ago who didn't attract me physically at first since we were classmates, but as I learned more about his personality, I gradually appreciated the time spent together. In terms of personality, I tend to be attracted to people who are confident, have a sense of humor, and who aren't passive when it comes to dating.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Let's be honest, people with "looks" get more attention, it's a fact. This tends to happen because many people that "look good" usually know it and are flaunting it, or they are trying to look good and faking confidence. Either way, better look people usually have a confidence in them that captures attention as well.

The only way I know of to not get sucked into the attention game, is apply my mind to looking for people that are not the first one you might notice, but are amazing. Many times you can see a "fringe" person that could be getting attention with more confidence. I tend to gravitate to those people because I can relate to the lack of confidence thing. But either way, just looking for intriguing things about other people instead of focusing on the person that is obviously captivating can be a way to break the system.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Arainach is right here. Looks are part of the romantic equation, and that's not a bad thing. If I'm going to spend the rest of my life with a woman, I'd better enjoy looking at her. Obviously you'd better be going into marriage with more to enjoy than looks, but just to say, enjoying how a woman looks isn't selfish, piggish, or shallow, unless that's all you are in it for.

(same is true for opposite gender )

You aren't going to enjoy a relationship with someone who is either not physically attractive, or doesn't have an enjoyable personality. It takes both.

I was speaking idiomatically.

A wise man (Charles Barkley) said something to the effect that a relationship begins with a physical attraction but is taken to it's highest level with a mental attraction.

I think physical attraction is an important first step, but nobody is going to stay in a relationship with a supermodel who has a horrible personality. And not everyone needs a "10" anyway. Initial physical attraction can also include things like how happy/confident/social that person is and even the way they move. Nowadays, it's possible to get to know someone without seeing them. I don't think this is wrong, but I don't think it's ideal either.

Even though I'm married, I can still get self conscious if I meet a woman that I find pretty. But give me just a little time to get to know this person and I'll quickly return to my comfort zone. For me, spending time with someone is the best way to be able to ignore their appearance and really see who they are. And for that special someone in your life, your vision does tend to get warped by your feelings and will always be genuinely attracted to that person physically.

Later, when old age begins to interfere with looks, you'll notice that old age also affects your vision so you won't really be able to see all those wrinkles and gray hairs too well anyway.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I love looking at pretty looking girls. They are nice on the eyes. Naturally I wouldn't right away pursue any kind of relationship. If you wanna get over the looks of someone, watch what they do. A persons actions says alot about their personality. I love looking at the pretty girls, but I only get to know the less pretty ones. They tend to be the most level headed.

FELIPE NO

Looks do play a part as they are what first catches your eye.

However, I keep in mind the "what type of relationship will I have with this person 30 years later" type mentality. I feel that is important because it allows me to think about how things will be when looks have faded.

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Think of it this way. If you're with someone uglier than you, the likelihood that they'll cheat on you is far lower than if you were with someone equally or more attractive.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by killerpineapple

Initial physical attraction can also include things like how happy/confident/social that person is and even the way they move.

Being married as well, I have had to cope with my wife putting on weight after the baby. Physically she has changed and I suppose after being together for 5+ years a comfort level sets in with married folks who see beyond the surface of their mates.

I resolved from the start to set my vision on my wifes character.
Attractive as she was from the start I knew it wouldn't last.
1 Peter 1:24
For, "All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall...

I also make a point to see the positive instead of making an issue of negative things that dont really affect the real stuff of my relationship.
I'm big on being positive and supportive especially now that shes plagued with a series of illnesses that have sapped even more of her beauty.

.....in sickness & in health right?

The point of my relationship is to pursue the goal of love in any form that it takes.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by LordsSword

Being married as well, I have had to cope with my wife putting on weight after the baby. Physically she has changed and I suppose after being together for 5+ years a comfort level sets in with married folks who see beyond the surface of their mates.

I resolved from the start to set my vision on my wifes character.
Attractive as she was from the start I knew it wouldn't last.
1 Peter 1:24
For, "All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall...

I also make a point to see the positive instead of making an issue of negative things that dont really affect the real stuff of my relationship.
I'm big on being positive and supportive especially now that shes plagued with a series of illnesses that have sapped even more of her beauty.

.....in sickness & in health right?

The point of my relationship is to pursue the goal of love in any form that it takes.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Shin

You bring up a good point Shin. Sometimes other people are unable to see what I cherish in my partner and they make their opinions known.

Ignoring people can be a solution but how we get over the looks and comments is done by directly confronting those who have something to say.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Why is physical appearance relevant to the bible again? Oh. Right.

While I go with the "personality over looks"-agenda, I can't deny that I want someone to look attractive to my standards. Knowing them full well later on will decide if the person is definitely right for me.

How ya doing, buddy?