How do you deal with things out of your control?

Just recently a friend of mine was diagnosed with malignant melanoma (a type of skin cancer for those of you who don't know) and the prognosis is very poor since the cancer has metastasized to a level where it has invaded other nearby tissues, and they pretty much can't do anything for him now.

I often wondered why bad things like this happen to perfectly good people. Sure, maybe he had a little too much uvB exposure over his lifetime or whatever, but still, he did nothing to deserve this. It's not like you're talking shit to someone's face and then getting punched out because of it (you know, cause and effect).

Or maybe like people that are born blind, deaf, or mute. They did nothing to cause their own suffering, they were just born that way. Or how about someone being hit and maimed by a drunk driver, and now they are a paraplegic/qudriplegic? It's just not fair. And sometimes when I am dealt a hand like this, I wonder why and curse the heavens. How do you deal with things like this that are out of your control without going batshit insane? And it's worse when people act like it was your own fault that bad shit happened to you.

How ya doing, buddy?

There's no one way, and there's no right way. The only way is your way. When life hands you lemons it's up to you to figure out how to enjoy them, whether that's making a sweet summer drink or adding a slice to your LIT.

Me? I'm a runner. When all these women wanna hurt me and I just don't have the patience I hit the road. I take a vacation. I take a few months and go out and forget who I am. Remembering gets harder every time.

Of course, that's the trick to it. Do what you have to in order to get by, but don't fool yourself into thinking you can get away with it.

How ya doing, buddy?

Frank, another runner here.

If you're at a stage where you can rationalize about it, you're well off. Take it in small steps and make the best of it.

If you're still angry at everything ... well, I can't empathize. I've never felt something like that and I hope I never do. Talk to someone you trust.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

For something that is extremely serious, I have no idea what to do as I have never really been in an extreme situation where it was out of control.

For moderate stuff, I rant about it for a while then move on.

For minor stuff, I don't even sweat it. Generally, if it is out of my control, I do what I can and then wait until something happens, or move on. It is really that simple for me.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

I have no answers. To me, the only logical conclusion is that there is no such thing as justice in the world, but that isn't particularly helpful.

My father passed away 10 months ago to the day at the age of 57 from an unknown primary cancer (they suspected lung - he didn't smoke) that had metastasized in his brain. In November, he seemed perfectly healthy, but was diagnosed with it on the 17th, and by the middle of December, the effects it had on his brain were severe. 10 weeks after the diagnosis, it was over.

There are different cases, of course. My paternal grandfather was diagnosed with three different kinds of cancer and told he had 2 months to live, but lived for 14 years. Don't give up. There is no way you can prepare yourself for another person's death, no matter what anyone tells you, and hope is what keeps us going. So much is still unknown in that area. I wish you and your friend the best of luck, and I really hope things still make a positive turn for him.

Like I said before, I have no answers. But you can deal with anything, if you have to - because life has to go on, it does go on. People cope in different ways, and don't let anyone tell you that yours is "wrong".

I was speaking idiomatically.

I find pessimism works well for me. That way I expect bad things to happen to good people and not having that shock and anger factor there makes it easier to deal with. Then you can support whoever it is in any way possible.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

The most important thing is that you must accept it and don't think it's your fault. Don't think of it too much and you'll be fine. Ignore people saying it's your fault if it isn't. Just be cool and accept it (I know it's hard, but just try).

Running away is not always the right answer.

FELIPE NO

I'm religious so I pray when things are out of my control.

James 5:16...The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

Lately illness in my family has been a problem. Prayer works to bring me strength where there is no reason or capacity to summon strength to endure and solve issues.

The opponents to prayer as an answer give me flack for my practice of faith, thats out of my control as well but I pray for them too. Its been documented in studies that prayer does give strength to practitioners. I can vouch for the studies, prayer works.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by LordsSword

I'm religious so I pray when things are out of my control.

So, do you do anything else or do you just sit there with your eyes closed, talking to the empty sky, hoping things will get better?

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Originally Posted by Divest

So, do you do anything else or do you just sit there with your eyes closed, talking to the empty sky, hoping things will get better?

When things are out of my control, I am left with no other option until the situation changes to give me the opportunity to act.

When it does, when the storm blows over the reserves I acquired through patient meditation through prayer on the issue are put to use.

I am a seasoned combatant.

Hunkering down in the foxhole of prayer is the solution for the long term campaigns of life.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I'll just ignore the LordSword banter.

I tend to accept things out of my control, if they're completely and utterly out of my hand (like death).

If a friend has come down with something awful (I have a dear friend who suffers leukemia - diagnosed in high school), I do my best to help them in their tougher times. Outside of consolation and support in trivial things, what more can I do for them? I grieve with them, and I try to help them see the sunnier side of the street - for their own sanity.

Most of the folks I know are hearty, bold people who will combat whatever comes their way with pride and determination. I don't know too many people who break down completely when something seemingly impossible is tossed their way.

But in instances of death or things of that nature, it's best to accept and deal with it - not forgetting to have your moments of grief. Allow yourself to feel whatever you're naturally inclined to feel - but don't dwell on those feelings. Balance, balance.

You're alive, and you're well. While it sounds selfish, be grateful for the things you have, and try to remember to share what you have with others - spread the gratitude.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Accept the fact that life is not fair and there are always circumstances beyond our control.

How ya doing, buddy?

Originally Posted by Bernard Black

I find pessimism works well for me. That way I expect bad things to happen to good people and not having that shock and anger factor there makes it easier to deal with. Then you can support whoever it is in any way possible.

I'm a pessimist as well, but I find that no matter how pessimistic I am, there are some things this doesn't protect me from, like the shock and the anger about death. No matter how much you try to prepare yourself for something, there are some things that feel so different and overwhelming when you actually experience them.

I think answers such as "just accept it" are logical, but don't always work. There are things we find hard to accept, and that we perhaps should find hard to accept. Anger is a natural reaction, and I think the most important thing is to allow yourself to feel these things, and not to try and push them away and just "move on" without grieving. That's what I tried - and for me, at least, it didn't work.

So again, I don't think there's really a right or a wrong answer here. Everyone has to find their own way of coping, no matter what other people tell them they should feel and do - and we do cope, because we have to. And please don't blame yourself for anything.

I was speaking idiomatically.

I recently had Lymphoma, a form of cancer that is commonly associated with Melanoma and I totally understand how you're feeling. All those questions you're asking and the feeling of helplessness is all too familiar to me. Unfortunately, there's no one way of dealing with this kind of shit I can't hand you a book and tell you chapter 3 will solve your problems. There IS no solution because what's happening is terrible and completely random. You have to find what works for you and go with it no matter what because staying positive for your friend will mean a lot to them. I know that I wouldn't have dealt with my cancer nearly as well as I did without my family and friends there for me. Personally, I dealt with it by acting like it didn't matter, like it was nothing. I mocked it on a daily basis and made totally inappropriate cancer jokes no matter where I was, no matter who I was talking to and it really helped. It'll be different because it's not you who's sick, it's your friend so just be there for him and do what you can to help him and hopefully that will make the feeling of helplessness less overwhelming. Honestly, there is no good way to express my appreciation to people who treated me like nothing was wrong the whole way through, it helped like you cannot imagine.

If you're up for it, talking to a psychiatrist might help. I saw mine on a weekly basis and even though we never did any of the stereotypical "How does that make you feel?" kinds of stuff, it was a real boost to go in and talk to someone who's completely objective. best of luck to you and your friend.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Yes, I think staying positive is definitely important for your friend, no matter how hard it may seem. It's the worst thing when people give up, and the helplessness that goes with it...he has to keep his hopes up for his own sanity. Just be there for him, whether he wants to talk about it or not (as Fire on Ice pointed out, he may not want to talk about it at all), spend time with him, have good moments with him as well (e.g. by doing normal things you both enjoy and would do otherwise as well). It always depends, because every situation is different. But do whatever seems to help him, and whatever helps you cope. And that is something nobody else can tell you.

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There's really not much I do if the situation is not manageable. If it's things out of my control, I just deal with it and really don't do anything about it.

If it's considering a disease - I would let doctors deal with it. However, if the doctors would tell me to stop doing certain things and/or start eating different types of foods...then that's something that I have control of.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

I also pray during hard times. Of course I pray that a bad situation is made better even though those aren't always answered. Praying for comfort and peace of mind tends to work every single time however. This kind of goes along with the idea of staying positive even in the face of tragedy. Accept the given situation even if it may be unfair or unjust. Of course, do what you can to make things better but accept the possibility that the worst case scenario might be the one that plays out. If you prepare yourself this way you can make sure that you won't be overwhelmed with anger, sadness, or fear.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

So many people fret over things even at times when there is nothing you can do about it. Lots of time's it comes down to the wire when I'm needing the money to pay the rent. But unless it's during the day, and I'm able to do something to track down the money, I don't worry about it. Why should I lose sleep over something, if there's nothing I can do about it at that time right?

I remember back when my buddy and his girlfriend were having a strife. He came over to my place all upset and shit. He kept worrying and talking about it. And I was like, "C'mon bud, like seriously, is there any way you can fix this situation right now? It's 11pm here and so phoning and talking to her is out of the question. Just relax and stop worrying. Tomorrow's another day and you can take care of the shit then. Lets just play some video games and have some fun."

Worrying does nothing to resolve a situation, so don't worry. All it does is make you feel worse about it.

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Well, that would be great if humans were 100% rational beings. His friend has cancer, of course he's going to worry! I would even say that worrying is appropriate to the situation, and there's probably not much he can do to just "stop worrying". Playing video games isn't going to make him feel much better.

I do think, though, that it makes you feel a little bit more at ease if you know you're doing all you can. Just be there for your friend and see what he needs from you, listen to him. But try not to drive yourself crazy about what you can't do, what you can't control. Remind yourself of what you are doing for him. I know it's hard.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Well, naturally for something like that, yah, you're gonna worry. I guess what I was meaning to say is 'Don't let the worry stop you from doing what needs to be done'. If you get so busy worrying, you'll end up creating more things to worry about because things get neglected. Just ease up and do what needs to be done.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?