Dating...

Yeah, it's the song and dance we all love to hate, or is it hate to love?

Anyway, having been out of a relationship I had a while back (and, I do mean, a while back) I've been dating, fairly regularly, for the past couple of years.

At first, I was having fun, I was optimistic, I had a few one night stands (I still do). Meeting new people, experiencing new things, I never thought of it becoming an egregious process.

Well, it seems it has, now. I don't know whether it's that I'm too picky, or I'm just so incredibly [insert adjective here] that the opposite sex gets tired of me or what?

It's not like I ask for much, you know, no kids (is that too much to ask at 22?), capable of stringing together coherent thoughts, and all of the digits/appendages present and accounted for, also, maybe a little bit of self control.

But, you know, I've met people just about everywhere you can meet people these days: school, work, at parties, through friends, coffee shops/bars/night clubs, the library, I even dabbled in online dating.

It's like should I be bothered by the fact that I can't find people who are capable of spelling at the level a high school graduate should? Or, you know, is it a problm that I don't make 80K/year at my age?

Thoughts? Comments? Concerns?

Maybe I'm looking for advice, maybe I'm looking for consolation or maybe I'm just looking for people who agree? disagree? Am I insane? picky? or justified?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

It took me until I was 30 to find someone who I thought was worth being in a relationship with. Well, actually it took me until I was 30 to find someone who was still worth being in a relationship with after six months. Not to mention someone who still thought that I was worth being in a relationship with after six months.

All through my life until that point I had just not found anyone whose personality was a good match for mine. I wasn't always the one to end the relationships, but I doubt that I could have ever been happy with any of my old flames, even if they had not split up with me first. There was always something that just didn't fit. Something that would have stopped me from being happy with that person, long term. You can lie to yourself for only so long. Sooner or later my dissatisfaction and lack of commitment would become apparent, and that's the begining of the end.

I wanted a long term relationship so badly. So much so that I tried to rescue these doomed relationships even when I wasn't happy. So much so that I stayed with someone I couldn't stand anymore for a year, even though it became apparent after three or four months that it just wasn't right.

Maybe I'm picky, maybe I ask too much. The things I ask for from a woman are mainly things about her personality, and her interests. It's important that she share at least some of my most important interests, as well as having some of her own. It's important that we share the same views on at least some of the big issues. It's important that she doesn't find wealth important beyond that required to live. It's important that she be intelligent and articulate.

Maybe I am asking too much. So far, I found it once. It took 30 years. The results have so far been good enough that I'm inclined to say that I'm asking just exactly enough, though. I don't see any reason to assume that this relationship won't work out, and it was worth waiting for.

I hope that this is relevant to you in some way. If I were you I'd hold to your ideals. You probably will find the person you're looking for... if you wait long enough, and keep an open mind as to where you might find them.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I guess I'm in a similar situation to the one you are in right now. Being picky when choosing your partner isn't really anything to be ashamed of, just be carefull of not being TOO picky. I mean, I wouldn't turn someone down just because she couldn't spell properly as long as it doesn't reflect itself upon her personality. Personally, I can't stand dumb chicks. It doesn't matter how attractive they are, if they are dumb as hell then the deal is off. I mean, it's not that I have to have someone who's at my own level of intelligence, but it sure helps if she's not a hick. Such a turn-off! XD

Everyone has standards, whether it be looks or something else. It's all a matter of personal reference and in the end you just have to look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself "am I really that much better myself? Is <insert quality> really what's important? Why?".

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Yeah, you know, maybe you're right. At the sametime, though, I hate to have this feeling that I'm sort of sitting around waiting for something to come along.

I've found that the "Well, there's always tomorrow" or "maybe it'll just get better soon" attitude doesn't work too well.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by Duo Maxwell

Yeah, you know, maybe you're right. At the sametime, though, I hate to have this feeling that I'm sort of sitting around waiting for something to come along.

I've found that the "Well, there's always tomorrow" or "maybe it'll just get better soon" attitude doesn't work too well.

You're right, it doesn't. I was miserable as hell during my long stints of being single, and I was often feeling pretty crappy while I was actually dating, because of the feeling of dating the wrong person. The fact remains though, that I wouldn't have been able to be happy in a relationship with anyone who didn't match up to the picture in my head. I'm assuming based on your first post that you're the same way. Someone who isn't on your mental frequency will just make you crazy.

It was never about physical attractiveness for me, I hasten to add. I've got certain tastes in that regard, just like any other man, but I don't insist on the pinnacle of physical beauty by any means. As long as a girl has dark hair, and isn't too tall, I'm comfortable with that.

I just wanted someone I could talk to, and share the things that are important to me with. I spend a lot of my leisure time on my interests, so its important to me that my partner be able to relate to that, and communicate with me about that.

I could be reading into your post too much, but it seems like we're not too different when it comes to what we're looking for, so I figure there's no point in you trying to settle for someone who isn't right... it just won't work. It's not any kind of consolation, or help to you, but it's the way I see things.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Agreed with Soulzar.

Don't lower your standards, afterall what's the point of dating someone that has nothing to what you are looking for? You know you won't be happy with the wrong person, so don't put up with it.

Patience is a virtue! XD

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Well, if you can't find anyone it's either wait or adapt. Dating is easy, but finding the right one is hard. It gets harder if the one you want is already taken, as is usually the case with me (not that I let that stop me , as long as she's not a friend's gf I'm all in for the steal. All is fair in love and war.).

Addition:
I just want to make it clear that I agree that Duo should just wait. I personally wouldn't date anyone that doesn't match my preferences at least to some degree. I just try not to be overly picky about it. Just try to analyze your preferences and see if they are really THAT necessary. Having standards is a good thing, but if your standards are too high then there might be no one who can live up to them. If you'd rather be alone because you can't find that girl who's a millionare, has blonde hair, a great body and has won the Nobel prize twice, then I'd have to say that you're being more than a bit too picky.

FELIPE NO

The more I think about it, the more I realize it's not that I'm too picky.

I'm not asking for a supermodel or a movie actress, here. Nor am I asking for the next pulitzer prize winner (although, that would be cool. Nerdy journalist chicks are a turn-on). But you know, a cute face goes a long way and so does some intelligence paired with a generally outgoing or amiable personality.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Too many good guys, too many b*tches. :\ Only a b*tch would quote a phrase saying men are like parking spaces, the good ones are taken. :\

Try going at your interests more to find these girls. Its rare of course, and often more than not, these girls even with same interests as you, have their share of problems too. Before Jimmy and I met irl after only a brief serious iming/pming each other for 3 months on here in GFF, I told him he MUST learn sign language, letters and hand signs. He did succeed in knowing the letters, but barely on the hand signs. But we worked it out and managed just fine. We're together for 3 years since and believe it or not, we're our first serious bf/gf relationship toward one another, he's 26 and I'm 28 currently.

We plan on getting married soon, but just to throw it out there... I'd like to believe that new experience in a relationship kinda does help with not being so picky as MUCH. In fact, we weren't both looking for anyone at the time when we ended up together and we came together irl due to exstringent circumstances that didn't have to do with our relationship at all. But I know how lonely it is, and I must assure you that often, you'll just so happen to find her when you're NOT EXPECTING her at all.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Wow Philia, grats!

Back to main topic: Leon and I are celebrating our 3rd year anniversary this weekend!

oh. wait. wrong topic. oops.

I mean, you should hold the standards that you have. It could be that you're just not ready yet, too. Sometimes things happen in the most impossible way when you least expect it. I think the experiences you've had with the dates you didn't like help you steer away from those kind of people that eventually end up being those who you can't stand to live with. What's the point of getting yourself into a long-term dating experience if you're ultimately not compatible with them in a marriage?

You're not doing anything wrong, it's just you're in the wrong waters at the wrong season to be catching the "ideal" fish, metaphorically speaking.

Well, not to say that I'm looking, but if I was, I wouldn't waste my time looking but concentrate on bettering myself first (learning to be smarter, prettier, better shape, more educated, more money, etc. etc. etc.) and when the opportunity arises, I'll make damn sure he's a guy with standards, and thinks with his brain first before he starts even remotely thinking with his penis. This I learned from a few good long train-derailing avalanches of disastrous events.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Duo Maxwell

The more I think about it, the more I realize it's not that I'm too picky.

I'm not asking for a supermodel or a movie actress, here. Nor am I asking for the next pulitzer prize winner (although, that would be cool. Nerdy journalist chicks are a turn-on). But you know, a cute face goes a long way and so does some intelligence paired with a generally outgoing or amiable personality.

The problem is that you're 22. Most people within say 4 years of your age are absolute retards - living from day to day with no sense of long-term thoughts or any actual intelligence. It's quite rare to find someone I can hold an intelligent conversation with, and I keep that high on my list of requirements.

The Girl I've been dating for the last 3 months is one of those rare exceptions, thankfully. Science Education major, honors student, not a supermodel but reasonably attractive. A bit shy, but nice personality and it's refreshing to have someone who I can talk to for hours without having to worry about repeatedly explaining myself or "dumbing down" what I say - we can just talk flat-out level to each other back and forth for what seems like ever, which makes stuff go much smoother.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Quote:

Most people within say 4 years of your age are absolute retards

Quoted for truth.

I can't help but think that sometimes I'm one of those retards, though. Because, yes, I will on occasion, date someone for the sole purpose of having sex with them. I don't feel I'm misleading them in anyway, as usually it goes something like "Yeah, I'm not really looking for anything serious" (the silent caviat to that is "...with you") and I usually get, "Me neither, I'm just looking for something fun."

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Uhh, I don't see what you're getting at. Being that I am in the working world, you know, that mysterious place after college and degree holders or not, there seem to be a lot of stupid people.

Again, emphasizing the fact that a degree isn't really a measure of intelligence. If anything, a degree is nothing more than a testament to how much power social constructs have over us.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Quote:

What community college do you attend?

Try again. Michigan State University - Computer Science Major, 3.93GPA, in my fourth semester now but will be a few credits away from senior status when it's done thanks to the magic of AP exams and transfer credit from the math I took back in High School at a community college.

I've also spent time around the campuses of many other four-year instutitions of various prestige, and always got the same opinion - the kids may have enough book smarts to be able to survive and pass their classes, but in terms of real intelligence and thinking long-term, we're all retarded. I may claim to think about such things more than the people I'm around, but I do dumb stuff too.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

What's your hurry? Think of it this way. It's almost a statistical certainty that eventually you WILL find someone you are compatible with and you will marry them. If all goes well, you will be with that person for a very, very long time. I would suggest that you relax and enjoy the ride (pun intended). You're much too young to be getting antsy that you haven't found "the one."

How ya doing, buddy?

I'd comment a few short paragraphs on this, but I'm running low on time right now...

Chill out and stop worrying so much. Just keep living and sooner or later, you'll bump into someone thats wonderful for you. I'm 26 right now, and I was so damn worried about not ever finding anyone, but I'll just keep going forward and get lucky someday.

To be continued...

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Well, marriage isn't really a factor. I'd probably sooner become a eunuch.

I mean, I'm more like looking for something that lasts longer than, you know, a month. Nothing serious, but a relationship, none the less.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I was an in a situation dating this girl who within a few weeks started with the "I love you" and I played along hoping my feelings would change. 3 months later they still hadn't, and eventually I broke it off with the usual bullshit because I felt guilty of the whole lack-of-emotional-bond on my side.

I think the biggest reason I didn't love her (I think) is because she wasn't capable of conversation. For me, it isn't enough that they're smart because what's the point if you have no opinions or interests? I've found I need someone who I can talk to about ideas, etc, while they're able to present their own opinion or interests in intelligent ways, etc. Not easy to find.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by FallDragon

I was an in a situation dating this girl who within a few weeks started with the "I love you" and I played along hoping my feelings would change. 3 months later they still hadn't, and eventually I broke it off with the usual bullshit because I felt guilty of the whole lack-of-emotional-bond on my side.

I think the biggest reason I didn't love her (I think) is because she wasn't capable of conversation. For me, it isn't enough that they're smart because what's the point if you have no opinions or interests? I've found I need someone who I can talk to about ideas, etc, while they're able to present their own opinion or interests in intelligent ways, etc. Not easy to find.

My god, I feel as though I'm facing the same problem. This girl I dated briefly in college - we still talk sometimes and she wants to get together with me again sometime soon. However, the last date we went on which was a couple months ago - I felt like crap because I was doing most of the talking. She wouldn't bring up anything! In which I though "Aww shit, no chemistry? This can't be happening." I mean I really enjoy her company, seeing her face and her smile. And I was hoping at some point in life, we'd start a relationship. But since we don't seem to be on the same page together for conversing, I don't feel it would ever work out for us. We could stay friends, but nothing past that. Even though I want us to be together, I've become more skeptical in understanding that it's better that we do not in the long run.

Besides that, you know how common divorces are these days? Like holy crap! Why isn't there any love staying around?

Anyway, I'm gonna try to see what we can talk about during our next date - to spark anything. And if I still feel empty after our date, then I'll have to move on. A good tip to know is - once you figure out she's not an exact match for you, try to stop dating immediately. It'll save you the trouble and the time. Just move on to the next possible candidate.

(Um, if this girl I'm talking about ever crosses this thread, WHAT SHOULD I DOOOO?)

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Duo Maxwell

It's like should I be bothered by the fact that I can't find people who are capable of spelling at the level a high school graduate should? Or, you know, is it a problm that I don't make 80K/year at my age?

I know this was a while ago but I need to point this out and invoke Kaufman's Law: whenever you talk about intelligence you will make a typo (or, in the extended version, otherwise fuck up). I'm hoping Kaufman's Law will be a household term someday. =D

Anyway... Other people have said it but since I'm posting I might as well add my two cents. It sounds a little bit like you want a relationship really badly but you're also "picky". Neither of those are bad things as such, but both can be hard because they can conflict a bit (as you've experienced).

For me personally, I'm much happier being alone than being in a relationship with someone that I can't respect, for whatever reason. I know that sounds pretentious but in the end relationships are about respect as much as love, and if I can't respect my girlfriend, I will stop loving her sooner or later, and that feeling of knowing you're in a car that's going to crash is pretty gut-wrenching.

A friend of mine was in such a relationship for over five years before it finally fell apart. That is the kind of thing you want to avoid.

My point is I don't think you should try so hard to find the right person. If you meet someone that you like, try to go out with her and if you don't like the way it turns out, just say "maybe we should just be friends" or or "God my socks smell good today" or "I'm gay". And if she doesn't like you, don't worry about it. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. It shouldn't be work.

And at age 22 you have absolutely nothing to worry about. I've got several friends who didn't meet the girl of their dreams until they were in or near their 30s.

EDIT: I just read my post back and this may be unclear: I don't mean "be passive and let people just come at you and see what happens", cause that's a highway to lonelyville. You do have to get out there and meet people, get them to feel chemistry for you, and make your choices.

How ya doing, buddy?

Kaufman's Law sounds like it's operating on the principle that humans are fallible and/or that we live in a universe of uncertainty.

An interesting turn of events came to pass yesterday, actually. One of my long-standing best-friends ended a two-year relationship, so now we're in the same boat together. We've made a late new year's resolution, now that neither of us have vaginas tagging along with us, we'll do more interesting guy shit (read: invest ridiculous amounts of time and money in our cars and gaming shit) and get shitfaced and party more often with our other single friends.

I think this was a big push for me to start "shopping around" more, because a lot of my friends aren't single, thus I feel like an extra wheel when hanging out with them.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Hey my roomate is 24 and just got divorced (a 6 year relationship), right now he's trying what you're trying. Someone pretty, with some brains and some thing interesting to keep him reeled in. He's doing it through some dating sites, but he found out that a bit of attitude helps (making it short:being an ass) a bit to get the girl interested.

It just proves that in your early twenty you should just fish in the ocean and stay there for a while. You'll get a good one when you're not expecting it.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

What a shitty world we're living in. You actually have to act like an ass to get the girls interested.

FELIPE NO

I'm happily married now, but back when I was single, I could never find a worthwhile relationship when I was looking for one. It always seemed to me, that the worthwhile ones came when I wasn't looking and wasn't trying.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Lola is exaggerating, you don't really have to act like an ass. But acting like a pussy is much worse.

Girls (especially cute girls) don't care about looks much, and they certainly don't want their boyfriend to be their therapist, or their supporter. They got girlfriends for that.

What they want is unpredictability, excitement, a challenge. Being an ass is closer to those qualities than being a lapdog.

Quote:

It always seemed to me, that the worthwhile ones came when I wasn't looking and wasn't trying.

Yeah, I totally agree. You never know when you might run into somebody that'll just blow you away. I certainly didn't expect to fall for my current girlfriend. Just keep your eyes open and enjoy life regardless of whether you're single or not, you're bound to meet somebody.

Jam it back in, in the dark.