Second born, second best

Lately I am beginning to feel the classic 'second born, second best' syndorm. My brother is about a year older then me (he was 3 month old when mom was pregnant with me so we are pretty close in age)

Mom wanted a boy and Dad wanted a girl so they where both happy, Dad however was the only one that really treated us the same. If we wanted to go to the store for candy, we would give us both a doller, he taught us both to ride a bike and always played with the both of us in pillow and snowball fights, never taking sides.

Mom seemed to spend the most effort on my brother. On xmas she gave him a keyboard and put him in lessons, she took him out cuz he did not make any progress, but I was able to play 'Ode to Joy' when I was 5 and did not get lessons til I was 14.

To mom everything my bro does is a big deal, even though he puts her through the most financal stress. Dad saved and gave us money for our education after high-school.

BROTHER: He and his girfriend had a daugher in grade 12, his money is spent in private collage on the first month, gets multiple loans, parents provide food and some rent money. He gets married in a BIG wedding, buys a van, two moter bikes in which mom signs for. Buys house in which parents provide down payment. Wife goes to school with multiple loans, gets job for short time in her field, has another baby, and plans on a third.

ME: Money spent on public collage and car with money left over. No loans. Gets job right away and still teaches music. Buys car. Gets b/f. plans to marry in a small wedding, but mom wants us to just get a marrage licence, plan to by house, but I politly try refuse dad the downpayment he is offering cuz my b/f and I make enough money to pay for it ourselves.

My dad is not a problem, he is behind us both even though he is against my brother's reckless spending, but mom is different, she does not seem to believe in me and thinks I cannot do anything on my own, even though I am more financally stable then my brother, she says 'I cannot see how you two can pay for a house' why not? my brother did it with one paycheck, two kids, 2 loans, a van, and two bikes! My b/f and I have no kids (At least not yet) no loans, two paychecks, 1 car, and my b/f loan.

Is this my mom or is it me feeling a little jealous?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Mothers and sons bond differently than mothers and daughters. So, I'd say it is your mom, but not only your mom. I've noticed it a lot. "Daddy's girl" is pretty true in that fathers and daughters usually have the closer relationship.

Sucks to you.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

It sounds like your mom. Frankly, she sounds like a bitch.

Maybe you should stop listening to her altogether? I mean, if you're about to be married, you're kind of at that stage anyway, right?

How ya doing, buddy?

As a middle child, I know the feeling... rather than 'second born, second best' syndrom, I deal with 'middle child' syndrom... which I guess can be considered the same, as I too, am second born. Though my problems tend to come from my spoiled little sister.

Anyways, have you talked to her about it? Or mentioned it to your dad, who seems to be the one thinking equally? He may be able to do something. Often times the parent doesn't realize that they're treating their children differently. It seems more like you just want her off your back than anything, as you've said that you're taking care of yourself. Perhaps she's threatened by how you no longer need her or your father to support yourself. It all comes down to talking to her about it.

Most amazing jew boots

It's your mom.

It's nice that you're trying to be independent about your wedding expenses, but if your parents are willing to pay for some of it, I don't see why you should push them away. Frankly, it's their only daughter's wedding; why wouldn't they want to be involved in part of it? Regardless of how much more money or effort your mother put into your brother's life, she still cares about you.

I don't want to be judgemental, but looking by the way you quoted right off the bat, "my mom wanted a boy," I'm thinking she had some sort of personal issue with her own mother. Not for me to be judging or anything, but sounds like she needs counseling by a therapist. Ifwhatever issue it is between you two escalates, I suggest you and your mom sit down with a therapist. Hell, I'd even do it before the wedding just so it doesn't affect your marriage and your life. But again, that's just my opinion, so please don't take it personally. But if you think your mother's treatment differences between you and your brother are going to bother you to a certain point, it might just be worth it just trying to straighten that out before you and your boyfriend start having kids. Who knows, next couple of years it might be "Why did big bro Jack's kids get more birthday/Christmas gifts than mine?" I'm sure that's something you'd want to avoid.

I was speaking idiomatically.

My mom has a big family, 7 sisters and only 2 brothers, my aunt told me that she always wanted a little boy. When my brother was expeting his frst child she was hoping that it would be a boy, but was still happy that a girl came out, but she seemed to be more exited when the second child was a boy.

Dad had a small family, 1 brother. I guess he just wanted a daddy's girl. He treats both his grandkids like they where me and my brother.

How ya doing, buddy?

Originally Posted by jpnezeshorty

It's nice that you're trying to be independent about your wedding expenses, but if your parents are willing to pay for some of it, I don't see why you should push them away.

But from the sound of it, it seems like her parents (at least her mom) aren't at all willing to pay for the wedding... she said that her mom just wanted them to get a marriage liscense and skip the whole wedding thing. That is just a tad unfair to me.

I'd still say talk to her, and like Shorty said, if it escalates to bad proportions, a therapist may be in order. You wouldnt want something like this to affect your children.

FELIPE NO

hmm... seems like she has some diffrent expectations for you guys, I wouldn't think it's just jelousy

Most amazing jew boots

I always thought "second born, super well treated!" XD
(Well you know the whole "he/she is younger than you, you should take care of him/her more!") Though sometimes I do agree it seems like the second child always comes in second. I remember back then when Willy and I were going through college, he usually had a lower grade than me. Though I do get praised alot, but whenever Willy improves even a little bit he gets all the goodies while if I dropped a little I will get yelled at and all the mistreating. (Btw for those who didnt know, Willy is three years older than I am) I always get everything second (for example, comp, clothes, etc) though I'd still say that both my mom and dad treated us the same most of the time. So I guess it's just your mom, especially you could judge that your dad is treating you and your brother the same.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I don't know you or your mother, but from the way your story sounds, I'd say that your mom is trying to hold onto you. It seems that she is ok with letting your brother go on about his life, giving him help when he needs it and encouraging him to suceed. But it seems that she is not ready to do that with you yet. I'd suggest talking to her. Maybe she still sees you as her little girl that will always need her. Or maybe talk to your dad about it. He seems to treat you and your brother the same. But like I said, I don't really know your circumstances, so I might be way off base.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Speaking as the middle child, I feel the same way about my older brother. My mom was acting the same way until I upped and moved out to head towards a distant school. I agree with Park that she is trying to hold onto you. Parenting is not always eye to eye and her actions might seem different in intention.

I felt that my mother only looked at my failures and my brother's successes, to an extent it was true. But the truth was that she was trying to get me to fix and become complete successes only. As for my brother, it was out of her hands... So the only thing she could do was be proud.

This may be the same for you as your brother is already into what his life will be so the parents are just supporting them through that. Your mother wants to see you through to better things, possibly. I hope I helped.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

You know in a lot of familys, the first born is the most treasured.

I am 1 of 14 and all my life I thought that my parents treasured my eldest brother more then anyone else, especially me.

It's not you, it is your parents. It's natural to be jelous of such a thing. Like some people were saying, talk to your mother about it, it's the only way to actually solve this little dilema.

If things don't turn out a little better, then just deal with it. There isn't anything else you can do

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?