Rant about my brother.

Me and my brother have always been good friends. I wouldn't say we're close or anything, but we do usually have a good time together. We share some of our interests, and we seem pretty "compatible".

I'm the younger brother, and he is my only sibling. Though my parents love us both, there have always been the feeling of that he's kind of the "black sheep", and I'm the "good one".
He's never been involved in criminal activity or anything like that as far as I know, but he has always had enormous trouble with handling money/his economy, and this have had the effect that my parents have had to save his butt financially.
I have always been quite protective of my money, and save it as best as I can (though I don't go out of my way to hoard it).

Couple this with the fact that he is a liar. I'm not sure what the English term for this is, but he lies a LOT. You know how people can sort of spew lies, and it seems to just come completely natural to them? It just goes on automatic. Sometimes small lies, sometimes big lies.

Now, I just discovered that he's just had ANOTHER big financial crisis, and I'm getting quite angry with him. He's almost 30 now, and he still lies to my parents about how he's doing in his life and so on. I don't know what the fuck he does with his money to be quite honest. I'm fairly sure he doesn't do any drugs or anything, cause I know I would've heard something from other people (I know a lot of people he knows and vice versa).
I just think that he's a big spender, loves getting the latest stuff like phones and whatnot.

Now, him being a big spender doesn't really bother ME that much because in the end its his own problem. But the fact that he still lies to our parents about this crap, and tries so hard to hide it, and then eventually it gets to big to hide, and we're back to the same old thing again. My parents have been helpful, and have supported him in the past, but they're really getting tired of him now, and so am I.
I really feel for my parents especially, because they're at the point where they are starting to kinda want to kick back and relax (they've worked hard all their life), and my brother is sorta like a cloud on the horizon. And I guess they just don't want to give up on him, cause he is their child after all.

And I have a similar feeling, he is still my brother and I grew up with him and all that. I still feel affection towards the bastard even though he acts like he does.

Just needed to get this off my chest as I'm pretty annoyed at the moment. Has anyone experienced similar relationships to this one, and how did it turn out in the end?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Starwars

Couple this with the fact that he is a liar. I'm not sure what the English term for this is, but he lies a LOT. You know how people can sort of spew lies, and it seems to just come completely natural to them? It just goes on automatic. Sometimes small lies, sometimes big lies.

I believe the term you are looking for is "mythomaniac", friend.

Yeah, I have a similar problem. My eldest brother, 32 this year, has no job, no money, no life whatsoever. It's not that he's a big spender, it's just that he can't handle money and he just doesn't want to work. When he's hungry, he usually justs walks over to our mom's house and gets some free food. This is annoying the hell out of me. It would have been ok if he would come over for the company, but he rarely comes for anything other than the food itself. It's not that he can't afford food for himself, it's just that he knows that he can get it for free, not to mention "done", as in cooked, at my mom's. And he NEVER, EVER, cleans his plate afterwards. He just leaves it as it is, on the table. At one time, he even asked mom why she hadn't made dinner, and had the nerve of bitching about it! I just want to smack him over the face sometimes, but I can't, since he's my brother. I don't hate him, I just can't stand the way he is sometimes.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Starwars

Me and my brother have always been good friends. I wouldn't say we're close or anything, but we do usually have a good time together. We share some of our interests, and we seem pretty "compatible".

I'm the younger brother, and he is my only sibling. Though my parents love us both, there have always been the feeling of that he's kind of the "black sheep", and I'm the "good one".
He's never been involved in criminal activity or anything like that as far as I know, but he has always had enormous trouble with handling money/his economy, and this have had the effect that my parents have had to save his butt financially.
I have always been quite protective of my money, and save it as best as I can (though I don't go out of my way to hoard it).

Couple this with the fact that he is a liar. I'm not sure what the English term for this is, but he lies a LOT. You know how people can sort of spew lies, and it seems to just come completely natural to them? It just goes on automatic. Sometimes small lies, sometimes big lies.

Now, I just discovered that he's just had ANOTHER big financial crisis, and I'm getting quite angry with him. He's almost 30 now, and he still lies to my parents about how he's doing in his life and so on. I don't know what the fuck he does with his money to be quite honest. I'm fairly sure he doesn't do any drugs or anything, cause I know I would've heard something from other people (I know a lot of people he knows and vice versa).
I just think that he's a big spender, loves getting the latest stuff like phones and whatnot.

Now, him being a big spender doesn't really bother ME that much because in the end its his own problem. But the fact that he still lies to our parents about this crap, and tries so hard to hide it, and then eventually it gets to big to hide, and we're back to the same old thing again. My parents have been helpful, and have supported him in the past, but they're really getting tired of him now, and so am I.
I really feel for my parents especially, because they're at the point where they are starting to kinda want to kick back and relax (they've worked hard all their life), and my brother is sorta like a cloud on the horizon. And I guess they just don't want to give up on him, cause he is their child after all.

And I have a similar feeling, he is still my brother and I grew up with him and all that. I still feel affection towards the bastard even though he acts like he does.

Just needed to get this off my chest as I'm pretty annoyed at the moment. Has anyone experienced similar relationships to this one, and how did it turn out in the end?

Luckily for me I don't have this problem for myself, However I think I can help you out. I'm no Doctor, Psychologist, or Philosopher; but, I do tend to offer some good opinions and if you want to turn those opinions into advice then so be it.

First off, the way that your brother spends money like he does is a big problem. It's good that he is looking for help and that he is trying to survive. Yet, the bad news is that he hasn't learned that he can't rely on others to support him. In my views, your parents have been giving him Deconstructive Support. This is where they give him money and hopes that he learns his lesson (BTW I don't want to offend you and I know that they probably aren't like this, so I just want to say that I'm sorry if I offend you). The way you explained it as a cloud on the horizon is actually a very good representation. What your parents need to do is set up an umbrella. Something that Protects them against the rain, but still lets them feel the effects of the rain a little bit. The way I would do things is to stop giving him money and when he asks for more, just refuse. If he still asks for help, then try to help him out by showing him methods to manage money, supress spending urges, and advancing on careers or jobs. This way, he knows that he can't go back to his previous resources for money, but he can look to them for help and advice.

As for the Lying. I can't help out much there. I would suggest the ignoring technique. When you know he is telling a lie, then ignore what he is saying and pretend you didn't hear it. When he asks for a response, then say that you didn't know that he was talking. Another part of this method is to listen intently when he is telling the truth and respond to pretty much every sentence he says. This way he will learn that people don't hear his lies but they can hear his truths. Then he will start talking more truth. Another method is to actually not blow up when he comes right out and tells you the truth at first. It's ok to get upset, maybe a little depressed, but never get angry or mad. This shows that he did something wrong and that it has a bad punishment. However if you show depression or being upset, then he will know that there isn't that bad of a punishment but it leaves a scar on his guilt. Mind you that this technique doesn't work all the time. EDIT: Don't forget to tell him why you get very angry and blow up on him if he tries to hide it for a long time. 2 to 3 lies at max before blowing up.

This is all I can offer. As I said, I am no doctor, just a young adult myself who knows different methods of dealing with problems.

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If he's being a financial burden on your parents then I really think they shouldn't bail him out every time. That doesn't suggest that they would love him any less. In fact, they shouldn't give him money because they love him. Help him help himself by teaching him to stand on his own without having to constantly resort to having someone else clean up after him.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by Kazyl

If he's being a financial burden on your parents then I really think they shouldn't bail him out every time. That doesn't suggest that they would love him any less. In fact, they shouldn't give him money because they love him. Help him help himself by teaching him to stand on his own without having to constantly resort to having someone else clean up after him.

It works in theory, but I'm afraid it's a LOT easier said than done. If it would be me, right now, I'd do it in a blink of an eye, but convincing your parents to do it is a whole different story all in itself. Believe me, I've tried... and I'm still trying.

How ya doing, buddy?

Yeah, that's a good post Dekoa.

I haven't really actively tried to convince my parents to do it, though I do kinda drop hints about it. But I do really do think they're starting to reach their limit. My Mother is really to nice, and will probably want to help out... But I'm not so sure about my Dad. He's also really to nice most the time and is usually very calm, but this time I could really see in his face that he was annoyed (though maintaining his calm), and rightfully so.
I guess it's hard for some parents to excercise the "tough love" thing even if it's a needed thing in the end, I think I would have the same problem if I were a parent.
Will be interesting to see how it turns out.

It's obvious to me that my brother don't want to rely on my parents like that, but it really is his own fault that he does. It's like he wants to get fancy things and stuff, but keeps forgetting to build his life from the ground up. Like he wants to skip the "boring" things and just go straight for the entertainment.

As for the mythomaniac thing (thanks for the word, had it on the tip of my tongue XD), I pretty much do what you suggested. Just ignore him, and there'll be a kinda awkward silence on his part.
I think it helps, at least in the short term since he kinda calms down after that.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

It sounds like the parents are exactly as I thought of them. If you give them the suggestion, even show them my previous post, then they will most likely be willing to help. You mother will not be a problem as you said, however to convince your father, you should try to trick him into thinking it was his own idea. He seems (to me) like a person that takes proffesional advice but usually doesn't take advice from others (unless he repects them). You will still probably have trouble trying to convince him due to the fact that he has always seen you as his child and that you are still inexperienced. It took me forever to convince my dad to seriously consider my opinions, but I was able to do it by standing up to him and defying him in what I thought was an important event. You just need to work at it.

FELIPE NO

Man, this sounds a lot like one of my best friend's older brothers. Similar somewhat in that he was always needing help from their parents. Also in the fact that I can't ever tell if he's lying or not. But he doesn't lie about his finances to my knowledge.

Very much of a freeloader. He moved back home to live off of his parents after things didn't go well for him out of state. Then he got a girlfriend and she started freeloading off of them. Like my friend's parents would my friend a case of Dr. Pepper for her to take back to our college apartment and they would drink most of it before she got home to pick it up. And they KNEW it was for my friend.

Or like, they tossed out a good pot because they didn't feel like cleaning the leftover macaroni and cheese out of it. That's just sad and horribly lazy. Lots of stuff seemed to disappear.

He had a job for a while there, but quit before they did drug testing. -_-;

Needless to say, my friend's parents weren't pleased, and told their son he couldn't have his girlfriend over [so much] anymore. Also, they finally decided to put their foot down and say they weren't going to give him money to support him anymore.

So somewhere in there, he and his girlfriend decided they'd probably be getting married someday in the future. So they decided to move out of state to attend a college together. I think his parents gave him some money to help them with the first month's rent and deposit on the apartment, but that's the last I've heard of them sending him money.

I think it was good that they decided to put their foot down. It puts some reality in the picture and got people thinking. Asking for help is fine, but if you don't help back in return, that's not healthy for either party.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Well, it seems that my brother managed to earn the money to get himself out of the crisis at least.
He's been able to join various "builder-jobs" through my Dads contacts (my Dad owns a store, and so he knows a lot of people). These jobs are tough as hell, but they pay good, and all in all I think they've done my brother good even though they come sporadically.

At least he didn't ask my parents for money this time, which has to be a good thing. That's the thing, he isn't really a freeloader in that sense, he does try to be independant from my parents, but sometimes he just fails horribly at it... And then he will lie about his situation, when perhaps it would be better to tell the truth right then, and my parents could give him a small loan. Instead he lies, and the problem grows and grows until he can't hide it anymore.
That is really my main beef with him.

If he would at least be honest right away, then I'm sure my parents would be more trusting of him. And while it would still be asking my parents for help, it would be done in a more respectful manner. When I lived on my own (currently I'm at my parents house again), I did allright, but of course there WERE times when it would get rough, as it does for many people who move out for the first time. I could just ask my parents right then, and while they would certainly not be happy, they would help me out, and I could solve the problem right away.

Oh well, at least it seemed to solve itself this time without my parents having to have to bail him out of trouble. Let's hope he's learning, he certainly seemed more intent this time on solving it himself.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

God, this sounds just like my stepsister. She has been nothing but trouble since she was like ten. Now she has two kids. And she doesn't raise them. She drops them off at my father's place and just leaves, saps her mom and my dad of their money, lies like I don't know what. Doesn't pay for Anything, whores around, and still swears to GOD that everyone treats her like shit and she has a miserable life.

Man, now I really wanna go and kick her ass.

There's nowhere I can't reach.