Some of life's questions answered

As we make our journey through life, there are questions that we come across that appear to have no clear answer. Seeking the elusive answers to these questions is what often gives our lives a sense of purpose. It's funny how the universe molds itself into a perpetual cycle, many people live simply to discover the meaning of life. But what if this drive was to suddenly stop? What if we were able to finally scale the mountain of knowledge? Certainly, life would go on- it's very picky in that sense. But we would no longer be climbing up through life, but walking high upon the plateau of knowledge. Everything would be at our finger tips, but would we be content with this? Or would we drive ourselves crazy due to lack of challenge? Would life become less of an exciting adventure and more of a mindless chore?

Well, I have the answers to these legendary questions. How have I managed to obtain such a deep well of knowledge? Well, I shouldn't take any credit. I didn't craft any of the pieces to the puzzle of life, I just simply put them together. I stole my wisdom, bit by bit, from some of the most revered intellectuals ever to scale up the mountain of life. Plato, Marx, Socrates, and of course Dr. Phil. However, the source of my knowledge is completely irrelevant. All that matters is that I have decided to pass it on to you. Will I be helping you to develop into a much higher being? Will I be helping you to evolve, finally breaking out of your caccoon of ignorance and blossoming into a spectacular butterfly, vibrant in both color and understanding? Or will I be effectively draining all motivation out of your life? Well, that's what I want to find out.


And with that, let us begin. Sit back, and grab some popcorn. Oh, and make sure you're not wearing a hat. Your brain is going to go through some massive swelling.

Why do we choose from just two people for President and 50 for Miss America?

Before we dare attempt to create a solution of this question, we must first dissect it and discern why it is a truely terrible question, one that could have only been forged deep in the mind of the lowliest of man. First of all, I am a little worried that the first thing compared to the Presidential election is the fierce battle of "Who can squeeze into the smallest bathing suit while still having a high enough IQ to recite 'I wish for world peace' in some fashion." There are tons of positions people are elected into, so I'm puzzled as to why Miss America was the default comparision. I am also perturbed that somebody out there thinks that the presidential ballot consists of only two nominees. There are many parties here elligible for presidency here in America, and although only two candidates are realistic choices, the other nominees exist nonetheless. In fact, anybody could be president, assuming of course they meet a few imperatives (sorry ANOLD!). So really, this questions doesn't even deserve an answer as it's more of a series of falcities than it is a question. However, I am a really great guy, so I am going to dignify this question with a response anyway.

The presidential election consists of only two main nominees simply because the general public can only withstand two old, white, bullshitting figureheads at once, and even that is dangerously flirting with the threshold of tolerance. Conversely, we as a people can withstand as many supermodels as the the good lord decides to throw at us.

Final Answer: We are a very shallow socierty. AKA, boobs.


Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up 10 times every hour?

The answer to this question is elusive only because the question itself is actually a trick. To understand this question, we must first understand the "slept like a baby" phrase. You see, the phrase is a generally terrible one. I mean, really bad. Firestone tires have a higher quality level than this phrase. That being said, only the worst people find the impulse to use this terrible phrase. These are the people that murder babies. And then eat them. So when they mean "I slept like a baby" they are really saying "I had as much conscious thought as an infant that I had recently used for batting practice, grilled, kabobed, and then devoured."

Final Answer:: People who murder children skew results

What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbit's foot?

It means that you are

A) Incredibly stupid
B) Lack any form of coordination
C) Going to recieve 3000 years bad luck

Final Answer: Sucks to be you, lol


Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

No, because no self respecting human thinks a rubber chicken is funny.

How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?

Well, this is a very profound question. The answer actually involves a great degree of logic, calculus, and science- all of which to such a degree that it would simply blow your mind. Luckily, one does not need to know how a shelf salesman keeps his store from looking empty to achieve enlightenment, for there is no store in existence that strictly sellf shelfs. If there was, no person in their right mind would ever venture inside, and this questions effectively reverts back to the whole tree in a forest deal.

Final Answer:: NOT APPLICABLE!

"I am" is reportedly the shortest complete sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest?

I was asked this question at a gathering a while back. I was actually driven into deep thought, trying to discover it's true meaning. Unfortunately, my solice was interrupted by the fellow who had asked me the question. Alarmed by the effect the question had on me, he proceeded to explain it was a joke. Yes, a joke. I didn't see it either. He then proceeded to explain to me that the punch line was marriage being the longest sentence one could commit to. It was I this point I proceeded to insert my fork into his neck, an action I thought to be a satisfactory response to the great profanation he had delivered to humor in general. Content with this, I walked out of the building, showered by applause and cheers.

Final Answer: Bad joke= for to neck

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

No. In fact, you will never be able to read. No one will ever teach you how to overcome your disabilities, for fear that the hideous mutation otherwise known as you face may be the result of a contagious disease. You will have to struggle through life forever victimized by your retarded appearence AND your actually retardation, a combonation that will surely prove to be crippling. It is through your defects that you will learn the full scale as well as the full impact of human nature's shallowness. You will develop a hatred for mankind in general, and eventually murder an entire family. Years after your execution, a move will be released based on your life. It will not paint you out to be a mindless killer, but rather a misunderstood victim of society driven to rash actions. It will be nominated for best film, but uiltimately fall short as it failed to deliver in the box office- nobody wanted to see the actor that played you on the big screen; the make up crew did an excellent job of making him deformed

Final Answer: No. Never.

Why aren't there bullet-proof pants?

Little known fact: All kevlar is created by women. Terrible, traumatized women that would enjoy nothing more than witnessing a man take a bullet to the crotch.

Final Answer: Bitches

If a funeral procession happens at night, should people drive with their lights off?

Yes. Studies indicate that driving at night without the aid of outside lighting greatly increases the chances of being involved in a fatal accident. What better way to honor a loved one then to follow them right into hell or heaven.

Or if you're jewish, the great thrift store in the sky.

Final Answer: Cheap jew joke

Can you cry under water?

Only if it's your party. If it is, you can cry if you want to. I know I would too, if it happened to me.

If it is not your party then no, you are not allowed to shed a tear underwater. You will be defying the basic priniples of physics, and you're only allowed to do that on your birthday.

Final Answer: It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are dressing up as mattresses?

No, it could be that they are underprevledged children that still want to experience the joy of Halloween anyway that they can. But you know, thanks for ridiculing the needy children, asshat.

If pro is the opposite of con, and progress is moving forward, what is congress?

Congress is the name of the main legislative body in a state that operates under a congressional system of government.

A congress is different from a parliament (Westminster System of Government) in that legislative initiative is vested into it. In a congressional system the executive and legislative branches of government are clearly differentiated. Head of State (president) and Head of Government (prime minister) are typically merged into one office, and cabinet members are only rarely taken from the congress.

Idiot

What do picket sign writers put on their signs when they go on strike?

Since when is there a union for picket writers? Since when is picket sign writing an actual profession. Nice one, dumbass


Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

If you need to be able to comprehend what your food is saying to fully enjoy it, then you may have deep lying issues. I fear that America is quickly becoming home of the REALLY REALLY FAT, and these are the types of things that solidify my thinking. But I mean, if being able to idenfity the word ASS or AND in your soup is really the highlight of your day, then more power to you.

Why do banks leave both doors open, yet they chain pens to the countertops?

How fucking effective would a bank be if no one was ever allowed inside? The fact that the chain pens to countertops isn't a humorous thing, it's a warning sign that we as a people are driving ourselves into the ground. Think about that. Marinate in it. BANKS HAVE TO CHAIN THEIR PENS TO FUCKING COUNTERS TO STOP PEOPLE FROM STEALING THEM.

What'd happen if the man took the advimil and the woman took the viagra?

They would create a hellspawn, this demonic event has only been documented once. You can see the living result of such a reaction today, by visitng Hillary Clinton

What is the speed of darkness?

Darkness is simply a lack of light. One cannot spread darkness, only eliminate light. Thus, the speed of darkness equates to the speed of light

Why won't the pandas mate to survive

They have achieved enlightenment and are ready to trandscend to the next level of being.

Most amazing jew boots

Moved to Laughs and Games.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Fjordor

Is cheesecake a pie or a cake

It is niether. It is actually a nasty creation of the devil, designed to achieve the highest possible potency of bad taste while at the same time draining all saliva from the mouth. It is truly the bastard food.

It was all cool up to that point.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

What yoo tawkin' 'bout?

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by Fjordor

As we make our journey through life, there are questions

It was funny untill there.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Waaa, you're so mean.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I know but that was just my opninion..

FELIPE NO

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?