[DnD] URBX 8 August, 2536: Gary Indiana

5 Dice Rolls smoke stack

"Food! Food! Bring me everything ya got!"

"A... are you going to be okay if you eat THIS?"

"Worried? Can't wage war on an empty stomach!"

"Hummm... Sir! I won't hear any more of this kind of talk!"

Gobble... snarf... snap...

"Well! I've stuffed down all I can... Let's go!"

Drop down to -AT-75
Free: Shroud on Murklord. Invoke immediately.
Minor: Quarry on Murklord.
Standard: Twin Strike on Murklord
One hit, one miss.
8 + 5 + 2 + 1 = 16 damage to Murklord

Jam it back in, in the dark.

1 Die Roll DO YOU EVEN LIFT?

That's a lot of dead dwarves. Poor things didn't even get a chance to properly try their hands at failing miserably to make a difference in the outcome of this fight. Pitiful.

Mamara turns her attention towards the frogs. They seem to not be faring much better, I guess the team is actually learning to work together well. As though that was even possible...

OH HEY LOOK FLYING DOGGIES AGAIN. I GUESS WE'RE IN FOR NASTY WEATHER, IF I REMEMBER MY ALMANAC READINGS CORRECTLY THAT'S WHAT FLYING DOGS MEAN.

Move to -AWWW (yiieah) -76
Vampire Slam on Murklord Frawg
CRIT!
15 Damage To murklord
Pushed to -AZ -77 because I can

She holds the frog over head long enough for the hovercam to record it as a new women's frog lift world record before proceeding to release it, all the while stepping forward and assuming a flexing pose. The frog bounces as frogs do, but this time not by choice. Froggy ain't no b-ball but it be actin' like one, son.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

5 Dice Rolls recharge my frogtaunts

"Those frogs are taking a beating! It's like they say: it's not easy being green."

"Nobody says that."

"Gary says it all the time!"

"Gary is a 90-foot green dragon that literally sleeps in a vault full of gold."

"And his acid breath keeps melting the coins! Just one of the many crippling problems associated with being green."

"Always remember the difference between the Appalachian Green Dragon and the Midwestern Green, viewers! Chlorine gas is no joke, but acid clouds are much more serious. Here's a helpful mnemonic: Greens in the South, cover your mouth. Greens in the West, eternal rest."

"Speaking of toxic gas, Jones has made the interesting decision to teleport into a sealed chamber full of gas and angry shadows! And her teleporting has also roused a pack of skeletal diggles!"

"And an unusually well-dressed elf, but that's of little import next to the existential threat of undying diggles. The rattling sound of their fleshness snouts haunts me already."

"How dare you toss me about! How would you like it if I — well. I don't have any arms as such, but I could... damn. I WILL BITE YOU."

"You just bit a stalagmite, dude. Those extra eyeballs aren't doing your depth perception any favors."

"You know, shadows are some of my favorite undead. They're just so quiet and efficient."



Skelediggles: HP 1, AC 16, Fort 13, Ref 14, Will 13
Elf: HP 32, AC 16, Fort 12, Ref 16, Will 14
Shadows: HP 25, AC 15, Fort 14, Ref 16, Will 14

(Shadows are Insubstantial, so cut any Physical damage by half. Reminder: Jill maintains line-of-sight from her origin square and her alternate destination squares until the end of her next turn. If that would help somehow? Maybe?)

Cliff 13, Sporeback Frog 6, Sven 6, Jill 4, Flopflap 31, Shadows 25, Esperansita 25, Elf Archer 24, Skelediggles 16, Murklord Frog 13, Thornskin Frog 13

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

1 Die Roll rawr

Cliff finishes gnawing on the dwarf's shinbone, and turns to face the frogs behind him. You'd think a frog would recognize its natural predator when it saw one, but apparently Cliff's alternate form did nothing to dissuade them. Well. This would be a learning experience then.


Tyrannosaur Charge on Murklord - move to -AW -75 (i think)
Attack fails


Unfortunately, Cliff catches his foot on a rock as he rushes the frog, and sends him tripping and skidding to a halt next to the frog. He still gives the frog the evil eye, though. That was intentional. A warning. yes.


Mark the frog


I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

2 Dice Rolls *BORK BORK

Though sometimes a boomstick is a necessity when cowardly dwarves flee like puny elf women, Sven does not much enjoy their use. Too alluring is the draw of hand to hand combat. He charges what appears to be a remarkably unthreatening foe, but again, Sven's smashing is woefully limited by his foot speed and he has to make due with what is available. At least he gets to use his hammer this time. With a mighty wallop, he sends the pathetic chew toy tumbling backwards. At the same time, Sven taunts the two frogs further away.

"Haha! You are slow! It will take you ages to hop all the way over here! Hahahahaha! I hope you enjoy how useless you are being right now! Puny useless frogs!"

Edit: Whoops, got my frogs mixed up. Hit whatever one that is that's where I think it is. By Mamara. That one.

Move to (-75, -AW).
Savage Reach on frog.
Hit: 9 + 5 + 1 + 2 = 17 vs. AC (16).
Damage: 7 + 6 + 5 + 1 = 19.
Knock frog to (-77, -AX).


I was speaking idiomatically.

1 Die Roll Shakespeare

Jill's coughing fit persisted for some time and through running eyes, she saw glimpses of various parts of the dungeon flashing past. Eventually she managed to work the stopper off her hip flask and drink enough of the super-proof moonshine inside to stop the coughing.

She took a few deep breaths of some decidedly weird tasting air and opened her eyes.

She wasn't sure if the thick, noxious fog was real or a byproduct of too much homebrew but the shadowy figures certainly looked familiar. Jill had spent a happy summer as a child at a holiday camp that had, barely three days after her arrival been attacked by shadow demons and she had fond memories of cavorting through the camp with the netherbeasts, desecrating the bodies of the other campees.

Hello scary shadow friends! My name is Jill and this is Mr Bear. You look like you probably want to rip me into pieces and swallow my soul but before you do that, I know where there are a load of dwarves and froggies and diggles and you know it would be far more fun to rip them into pieces and swallow their souls so what say you follow me and we can go and play? Afterwards I promise I won't put up hardly any fight at all when you try to disembowel me!

Follow me team!

Without looking back to see if they were following and hoping that pure luck would lead her back to where she had just been, Jill flitted off in what she hoped was the direction of her team.

Give rousing speech to get the Shadows to follow me rather than kill me, move east as fast as possible on the basis that I'm assuming the angled bit of black on the right indicates a corner I can't quite see round.

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5 Dice Rolls Because why not

Not one to be satiated by a singular sandwich, Flopflap made his way further up field.

Majestically.

Regally.

Elegantly.

It was beautiful. They should have sent a poet.



Move to to -AX-78
Minor: Quarry on Thornskin.
Standard: Twin NINJA STARS on Thornskin.

15+8 > 13
7+8 > 13
Two hits.

8 + 5 + 6 + 5 + 3 = 27 damage to Thornskin. It explodes.

Still in awe at his dactylic movement, no one noticed the flash, or the sound of buzz saws, squelches, explosions and screams.

It's fine though, the frog that popped didn't launch it's guts over too much. A large piece hit the Sporeback right in the chin though.

Free: Shroud on Sporeback.

FELIPE NO

"Very well. We will follow you to the prey you have promised us. Largely because you are flying and we cannot reach you. This presents us with an embarrassing tactical disadvantage. Also, because we are locked in this awful little room and we are all sick of playing Risk. However, we will still eat you at the earliest opportunity, because your speechifying is terrible. Terrible. Smashing your face into the wall is not helping."

Ongoing 5 poison damage until you figure out how to leave the room.

"Wow, those frogs are just getting humiliated!"

"I haven't felt such pity for a frog since I visited my cousins in Gallia."

Esperansita 25, Elf Archer 24, Skelediggles 16, Cliff 13, Sporeback Frog 6, Sven 6, Jill 4, Flopflap 31, Shadows 25

How ya doing, buddy?

1 Die Roll SPOREBACK TOSS

Somehow one of these squishy greens still stands. A situation that needs remedy, and a certain vampire woman is glad to be on that job. Time for some more lifts!

Move to -AY -81
Vampire Slam on Sporeback
1+WHOCARES = CRITICAL MISS


A loud snap is heard as Mamara tries to heave the frog over her head. Either this one isn't as soft as the other one, or the immortal bloodsucker is somehow defying the laws of undeath and getting old.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

"Those diggles are up to something. Something sinister."

"Why did we only send down one light?!"



Cliff 13, Sporeback Frog 6, Sven 6, Jill 4, Flopflap 31, Shadows 25, Esperansita 25, Elf Archer 24, Skelediggles 16

There's nowhere I can't reach.

1 Die Roll attack

Cliff hears the distant sound of bones rattling, but chooses to ignore it for the time being. Anything that rattles like that clearly will not taste as delicious as fresh frog's legs.


Tyrannosaur Charge on frog (move to -AX -81)
miss. again.

Mark the frog.


Once again, cliff's reptilian form has trouble crossing the cavern floor, and trips up short of his target. All things considered, Cliff doesn't feel terribly helpful, but at least he might be able to keep them from harm. The little girl had vanished into thin air, so she would be fine. Probably.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

1 Die Roll Imma dodge that AoO

"The frog is fleeing at top speed in a desperate attempt to preserve his life!"

"An ugly, diseased frog is fleeing into a poorly-lit cave to avoid being touched by a pale, oversexualized monster woman. For some reason I'm reminded of my parents."

"Yes, my father also lived in a cave."

"A basement is not the same as a cave, Korgar."

Sven 6, Jill 4, Flopflap 31, Shadows 25, Esperansita 25, Elf Archer 24, Skelediggles 16, Cliff 13, Sporeback Frog 6

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2 Dice Rolls *Blam!

Sven looks directly into the camera with a look of exasperation and, without breaking his gaze, raises his arm to his side and shoots the frog.

Hit: 7 + 8 + 2 = 17 vs. AC (16).
Damage: 7 + 6 = 13.


I was speaking idiomatically.

5 Dice Rolls *shroud(s)

HOP THIS.

Move to to -BA-78
Free: Second Shroud on Sporeback
Minor: Quarry on Sporeback.
Standard: Twin NINJA STARS on Sporeback.

14+8 > 16
2+8 !> 16
One hit.

1 + 5 + 3 + 4 = 13 damage to Sporeback.
It has 7 or 8 HP left. Someone kill it.




What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

If she was going to be honest, Jill was a little bit surprised how well that had gone. The poison gas wasn't doing her any favours but she had managed to successfully trade one bunch of weird sociopaths for a bunch of malevolent nether creatures. She'd mae worse trades...

The poison gas was getting to be an issue though and she needed to find a way out. For someone who drunk as much as she did, she had remarkable spacial awareness and her brief trip through seven or eight dimensions of this place had shown her that the wall of this chamber butted up against a pile of rocks in another room. Thinking (Hoping) there might be a way through somehow, she flitted over to investigate the relevant bit of wall.

Go and check for secret doors over where the wall meets the rubble on the other side, north east corner basically.

FELIPE NO

1 Die Roll xivnitiative

"That frog gets no respect, no respect at all."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof!"

"That's terrible. You must have been pithed!"

"Not to interrupt the original kings of frog comedy, but Stingdick has uncovered a nest of xivorts."

"Fizz shorts?

"Xivorts. With a V."

"Whatchamazorts?"

"Xivorts. You know what xivorts are."

"Wizard warts?"

"Why are you doing this? Stop doing this."

"...Susan?"

"I feel like I'm dying. Much like those shadows that Jones bewitched with her cunning ability to be out of their reach. Now they're on the move, free to prey on succulent living flesh. Jones has definitely made a great decision that won't haunt us all in the years to come."

"Ha ha! Murder."

"Feelin' good about this one!"

5 poison yup yup

Xivorts: HP 26, AC 15, Fort 12, Ref 13, Will 13

Esperansita 25, Elf Archer 24, Skelediggles 16, Cliff 13, Sporeback Frog 6, Xivorts 6, Sven 6, Jill 4, Flopflap 31, Shadows 25

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

2 Dice Rolls He is SUCH a lowser

This won't do. That frog is a bit too slippery for Mamara's tastes.

Her anger coming to a boil, she steps towards the frog and glares at it, in a manner not unlike that of a tweenage girl who has just been told that, no, she can't do what she wants, and yes, her mother is still allowed to ground her when she gets too far out of line.

Move to BA77 to get close to ma BFFs
Dark Beckoning on Frog 16+some stuff = Hit!
1+4+1 = 6 damage
If it ain't dead, pull it up nice and close at BA76
If it is, pull its corpse nice and close so we can dance on it

"Oh, sooo sorry mister frogs!"



Centuries old and still as petulant as the day she ripped her mother's yippity on the way out because she was taking too long to dilate. Some things never change.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

5 Dice Rolls but how nasty is it?

"There's that elf we all decided to ignore because of how terrible diggles are!"

"Waiting until the enemy is distracted and then shooting them in the back. Classic elven strategy. Masterful."

"Can't say much for his marksmanship, though. He's shot the frog instead!"

"Well, this isn't going to end well for anyone. You folks might want to step back."



"Merde! Mon casse-croûte est perdu."

Frog thoroughly dead (the bow does more than enough damage to kill it at minimum). 13 damage from frogsplosion to Mamara, Callahan, Stingdick. All three suffer -2 to hit due to face full of frog guts (save ends). Mamara bloodied but regenerating.

The explosion is a function of the frog and not the elf, if you're worried about that. EDITORIAL LICENSE~

Skelediggles continue to skulk through the darkness, growing ever closer.

Cliff 13, Xivorts 6, Sven 6, Jill 4, Flopflap 31, Shadows 25, Esperansita 25, Elf Archer 24, Skelediggles 16

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Cliff watches as his comrades are covered unceremoniously in frog bits. Suddenly glad that he hadn't managed to put the thing into his mouth, he reverts back to his normal form and stands guard between the goop-covered party and the incoming foes.


Move to -AZ -76
prepare Resilience of Life against first enemy to come within range


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8 Dice Rolls such as it is

"TIME FOR THE NETS! Or net-like device."

Esperansita and Cliff are Restrained (save ends)! Been a while since someone was Restrained. Summary: they can't move (not even push/pull/slide) except for teleports, and they grant combat advantage. Plus -2 to attack rolls. (Esperansita already has the -2 from frog guts; it doesn't stack.)

"Mamara looks pretty tangled up there."

"And I thought she got out of the bondage game years ago. Some things never change."

"Barkley's not taking this leash quietly! That xivort's head almost rotated all the way around. Let's enjoy that again in slo-mo. You can pinpoint the exact millisecond where the xivort cursed all the life decisions that led him to this point."

"In his shameful thrashing he still managed to stab Barkley with his adorably tiny little knife. What an ambitious little guy."

Readied Resilience of Life kludges Xivort C for 14 damage, bloodying it. Dunno who you want the 2 HP to go to. 7 damage to Cliff from getting butterknifed (bloodied).

Sven 6, Jill 4, Flopflap 31, Shadows 25, Esperansita 25, Elf Archer 24, Skelediggles 16, Cliff 13, Xivorts 6

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Jill's efforts to escape the gas-filled chamber were rewarded when the wall gave way and she fell through the gap into the room beyond. The stench of viscera hit her hard and she contemplated going back into the poison gas room. Her eyes stopped streaming long enough however for her to recognise the pod she had entered the dungeon in and she was relatively pleased to be somewhere she recognised.

The Shadows rushed past her leaving her with three obvious options. Experience told her that for someone to seal up a room, fill it with poison gas and add monsters, there had to something valuable in it. The gas was an issue though and prudence would suggest getting one of the more durable members of the team to check that line of enquiry out.

She could lead the shadows back to the team and save the day at the head of her platoon of loyal monsters but the loyalty of the shadows would only last as long as it took to meet something they could reach.

The third and probably best option would be to sneak off down one of the other tunnels and go looking for loot on her own but there was always the risk of bumping into a bad guy with a gun.

Jill sighed deeply. If she wanted the inevitable bounty of the poison room she was going to need help and for the time being that meant the rest of her erstwhile companions. With a slightly coughy cry, she charged off to the east, ready to save the day.

Move as far east towards the idol room as possible, keeping to the ceiling.

I was speaking idiomatically.

3 Dice Rolls Tissue, please

Sven doesn't know a lot about art, but he knows what he likes. The same, he supposes, could be said of Xivorts. Whatever they were.

He wipes the frog remnants from his eyes and moves to get a bit of a closer look at these so-called Xivorts, if that is their real name. He attempts to introduce himself through use of his enormous hammer, but misses completely and spectacularly. He blames the frog parts in his eyes, naturally.

Then, such is the magnitude of his shame, that he can no longer bear to be seen. So he isn't.


Move: Move to -76, -BA.
Standard: Swing hammer at Xivort C. My roll is literally 0. That's a hell of a thing.
Minor: Overcharge Stealth Boy in shame. 10! NOBODY CAN SEE ME CRYING.
Attempt to remove frog viscera from eyeballs. Oh, sure, that's where I roll a fucking 20. Thanks a lot, dice.


What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

3 Dice Rolls Mr. Clean

Suddenly overcome with SPACE DUNGEON MADNESS, FlopFlap couldn't help but give entirely ZERO FUCKS





Free: Shroud on Xivort Bravo because why not.
Minor: Quarry on Xivort A I guess.
Standard: Twin Strike on Xivort A with failure darts.

WHOLE LOT OF FUCKIN NOPE THIS TURN

After accidentally swallowing a couple of ninja stars, he attempted to wipe his eyes of the frog shit within which he found himself.

Instead, he accidentally poked himself in the eye.

He didn't even HAVE eyes.

He just grew one spontaneously so he could fucking poke himself in it.

FELIPE NO

3 Dice Rolls To unxivort myself from net

Goddamn those elves. How long will Mamara have to keep dealing with this race of effeminate cock-lacking wise-asses anyway? How they had managed to live through the last five extinction level events where the stoutly dwarves had dwindled in number, let alone not disappear from existence with their lack of procreating prowess and willingness, she would never know.

Bah! More pressing concerns she has for now it seems, as these Xivorts are getting mighty annoying with their fishermen's novelty wares.

"Alright you Xivortingest of Xivorts, you wanna play? Bring it in then!"

Dark Bockoning on Xivort B: 14+4+2+1+4 = Come here!
Damage: 4+4+1+4 = 12 bahaha oh god I meant 13 I swear
Pulled up close at BA76

"Booyah!"

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2 Dice Rolls oh no, your cytoplasm

"Now here's your chance to get the government to pay for it! All you have to do is call! The call is free, and the book is guaranteed. So call me! You have nothing to lose, and a whole new life to gain!"

"And we're back! Charging people to tell them about Witness Protection seems a little unethical, doesn't it?"

"No more unethical than ratting on your family, especially after they paid for that nice wedding."

"And just like your nephew Timmy, both Jones and Callahan have vanished from the public eye the moment we let our attention waver."

"To the contrary, Callahan is merely weeping shamefully behind a distortion field while Jones blunders around in the dark. But HoverCam can cut through the Stealth Boy's rudimentary cloaking technology. Observe."



"The decryption is still imperfect, of course, but we can observe Callahan's girlish tears with a minimum of 43% fidelity."

"Given the option, I think we'd prefer 0% fidelity."

"Besides, why would we want to watch that when we could watch Stingdick pummel his own face?"

"Mindless-self abuse and brine spraying everywhere. It's Rush Week all over again."

"Except without the dead unicorn."

"You play one game of Spin The Crossbow and you never live it down. Speaking of women making terrible mistakes, Mamara's deliberately encouraging a xivort to approach her. It's like she wants weird little polyps."

"Luckily the filthy little bastard is rebuffed by Callahan's invisible weepy-weep face. Imagine the nightmarish sensation of walking into an invisible wall of gross blubbery snot. You'd never feel clean again."

Xivort B bloodied and potentially emotionally traumatized

"No amount of wild, stupid thrashing will protect Stingdick from an elven arrow in the, uh... uncertain... blob... organ... area."

"True enough. He'll be favoring that... bodily region for weeks."

10 damage to Stingdick from projectiles he didn't put there himself. Skelediggles creep ever close while you remain distracted by the trifling machinations of the living.

Cliff 13, Xivorts 6, Sven 6, Jill 4, Flopflap 31, Shadows 25, Esperansita 25, Elf Archer 24, Skelediggles 16

Let's see if we can do the next round in less than a month!

...

(Jill is at AC, 6 in total darkness)

Jam it back in, in the dark.