[DnD] URBX 8 August, 2536: Gary Indiana

2 Dice Rolls *ouch

"You might think it's fun to try a little Forbidden Tome. You might think The Hungry Darkness won't see you, that you'll be one of the lucky ones. I thought so too."

"Now I'm a skeleton."

Being a skeleton isn't normal. But after opening the Forbidden Tome it is.

"Her robe look like a dishrag, damn."

"Ugh, is it over? My head's still ringing."

"Yeah, dead diggles from here to Bakersfield, but otherwise no serious damage. Oh, and the elf died, I guess."

"In accordance with the URBX LIFE4LIFE initiative, a tree will be planted in his name."

"We didn't promise to plant anything for Murderson or the dinosaur."

"In the event of Tiefling fatalities we normally make a donation to the Infernal Anti-Defamation League. Crushdick waived the charity clause in exchange for some roadkill we found."

"Fair enough. Looks like that Gren just missed a shot! Maybe this team's fortunes are— what do these people have against cactuses?"

"He hates these cacti! Stay away from the cacti!"

"Milkface bastard!"

Thought I hit Mamara, then compensated for Cactus Interference, so just ignore that damage roll

Callahan 7, ROUND 4, Diggles 21, Jones 18 (KO 1/3), Mamara 14, Gren 8

FELIPE NO

3 Dice Rolls Oops forgot this

"Come, small elf woman! Join me as I take the battle to the irritating green elf!"

With his hammer in his right hand, Sven reaches down with his left and grabs a fistful of the back of Rufus' shirt, hoisting Rufus from the ground and holding him out to the front like a leaking meaty shield.

Minor: Pick up Rufus

He charges toward the Gren at full speed, holding Rufus aloft.

"Sharp-eyed, puny elf woman! Use your keen senses and tell me if there is danger! I will take us to our foe, so that we can smite him! Hahahaha!"

Move: AK18

Standard -> Move: AQ 20

As he arrives as his destination, Sven drops Rufus to the ground. "Puny elf woman, we have arrived! Observe my smashing technique! By that I do not mean smashing in its colloquial sense, I mean my technique for literal smashing! Hahahaha! Words are so amusing!"

Action point.

Sven swings his hammer, crunching the prone Gren with a blow that is unfortunately less mighty than originally anticipated.

Standard: Only Kind of Devastating Strike
Hit: 13 + 5 + 1 + 2 = 21
Damage: 7 + 6 = 13

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

4 Dice Rolls HEY JONES? Y'ALRIGHT?

"Ha! Good to see Callahan man up and take the fight to that archer!"

"He has also taken the fight to a river of boiling lava."

"That is a much more challenging fight. And a fight that the lava already appears to be winning."

"That's a lava-centric perspective. Both Callahan and the lava are on fire, so in that sense they're on even footing."

"It seems that even Thorolfsson's rapidly-melting corpse approves of Callahan's bold maneuver."



Callahan on fire; 5 ongoing fire damage (or, since it's Callahan, effectively 10).

"The green man flees from our invincible assault!"

"Let us capture his concubine."

"No! Let us murder his concubine, then capture her! As a conversation piece!"

5 damage to Mamara as a result of sub-par diggling performance.

"We murder you slowly, yes! To teach you a lesson!"

"Obviously."

Jill 2/3 dead

Mamara 14, Gren 8, Callahan 7, ROUND 5, Diggles 21, Jones 18 (KO 2/3)

Jam it back in, in the dark.

1 Die Roll Suck the diggle

These diggles really think that Mamara can't handle a three on one. That's cute. Too bad those videos from her days before URBX aren't available. That particular one with the whole Zoofball team would make them weep like babies.

Taste of life on diggle M
11+8 is a hit
Lifeblood to get 5 or 6 hp back (does 1/2 level round to 0?)


Yeah, keep it coming diggles.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

3 Dice Rolls don't wanna wrestle such rocks

"Now the Gren's just jabbing Callahan ineffectually with his bow."

"Looks pretty effective to me. Callahan's weak, girlish legs are surely feeling sensitive due to the severe burns."

12 leg-pokery damage to Callahan
Callahan will be at 1HP after the burns at the start of his turn, soooo keep that in mind.

"And now the Gren's pathetically crawling away. Looks like proximity to Callahan's terrifying immolation has done the Gren's filthy rags no favors."

Gren's on fire, 5 fire damage

"Seems like the lava's cooling a little. Thorolfsson's body may be salvageable after all."

"That's good news. URBX just acquired a facility downtown for recently deceased elves."



"Now we won't have to throw his carcass in the Mysterious Bloodhole with the others."

Callahan 7, ROUND 5, Diggles 21, Jones 18 (KO 2/3), Mamara 14, Gren 8

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

6 Dice Rolls *AND A LEFT

Sven swings at the Gren as it crawls away, but is too surprised at literally being on fire to get anything on it.

Attack of opportunity: Totally fucked all this up, just ignore everything.

"Uh, that was not what I was talking about when I was referring to my smashing technique! That was a lesson in how to not smash! Now, prepare to learn how to actually smash! I hope you are taking notes!"

Sven charges after the pitiful creature, determined to teach the gren who is allowed to and who is not allowed to poke him. Those groups are composed of nobody and everybody, respectively.

Move: AU18, looping around the left of the cactus at AT18.

"You wait there, small elf woman! You have been looking somewhat ashy lately, perhaps the warmth of the lava will reinvigorate you! I will extract apologies from the small green elf!"

Sven hits the Gren with all his might.

"You there! Small green elf! How much do you like being poked? Not very much I bet! You should exercise more courtesy! See how do you like that? And that? I bet you think I am kind of a jerk right now! Well that is how I felt when you poked me! Like you were a jerk! You jerk! You should not just go around poking people like a jerk!"

Standard: Batter Down
Hit: 15 + 5 + 1 + 2 + 2 = 25 vs. AC.
Damage: 12 + 6 + 9 + 6 + 5 + 1 = 39. Gren knocked double-prone.
Thunderborn Wrath Damage: 3.
Oh yeah and I guess he gets burned too or something: 5.

Sven ceases pummeling. "Besides being on fire I feel much better now! I am glad that small green elf and myself could have this talk!"

Minor: Second wind.

Sven surveys the carnage.

"Goodbye, friend Robodino. But you should not be alarmed - I will ensure that you will remain a part of this journey. How will I do that, you ask? By pilfering your belongings as my own! Hahahahahahaha!"

Sven shamelessly adds the steak, the chocolate milk, and the two pieces of omega tech to his own pack.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Jill opened her eyes and sat up. There were bits of beetle all over her and Mr Bear seemed to be doing something illegal to the corpse of a Diggle. Taking a healthy swig from her hip flask, she stood up groggily. She flitted over and picked up Mr Bear before flying over to the dead elf and using a clean bit of his jerkin to wipe the beetle gore off her as best she could. With everything apparently dead, she went to take a closer look at the massive statue, primarily to see if whoever built it had included anything valuable or alcoholic.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Sven gathers up various objects (a diggle, the gren, Crushdick, a cactus, Rufus) and throws them onto the Square of Transmogrification one by one.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

"Wow, kind of a long sponsor break there. I guess the local affiliates need time to advertise their various flea markets and mattress barns."

"Would have been faster if Intern Steve hadn't left the tapes out in his trunk. Why did you think that was a good idea, Steve? Do you really love Bergwasser? Is that why their spot was on a loop for 15 minutes, Steve? Did you just want to make me thirsty for the crisp taste of the Alps, Steve? BECAUSE I AM, STEVE! I'M SO THIRSTY—"

"There's no use in shouting at Steve's severed head, Korgar."

"I grudgingly agree. So, what's that big statue about, Lydia?"

"As one of those recently-exploded reptilian gentlemen helpfully blurted out, that's Surtr, Lord of the Fire Giants. That statue's about 1:100 scale, at a guess."

"Strange to find Surtr cultists so deep in Usa territory. Didn't we cease hostilities with Jotunheim when the current trouble with the Frost King started?"

"Indeed. Either these were some remnants who didn't get the news, or Jotunheim is still undermining our war efforts on the sly. This just goes to show you how valuable URBX is to our national security!"

"True enough. Those cultists might have lived for additional days or even weeks without Melancholy of Perfection in place to take care of things. Looks like Jones is already taking the spoils!"

"Couple of gorgeous rubies in the eye sockets, there. What is it with massive stone idols and jeweled eye sockets?"

"I've destroyed more than my share of massive stone idols, Lydia, and I really couldn't tell you. It's just one of those things you do when you're in a cult, like flinging yourself helplessly onto my spear into the hope your combined weight will pull it from my hands."

"That big sword doesn't look to be part of the original carving either, but I don't think Jones has room in her pack for a weapon six times her size."

"Callahan's tampering with that transmutation residue. Let's see what he gets this time."

"He certainly seemed pleased with his ham, no wonder he keeps going back to the well."

"Tossed a diggle on there... got some... parachute pants?"

"This magic is clearly getting increasingly unstable."

"Throwing the gren on... hula hoop. Sure."

"Another cactus! This endless cactus abuse is just — well, it's just a vinyl record now."

"Hovercam, can you get... Dastardly Dick's Halloween Hoedown: Songs To Shiver Your Timbers."

"Hey, now he's throwing Thorolfsson's body on there! That's just tremendously disrespectful to a fallen Xplorer."

"Nevertheless I think we'll agree that a dead body is less useful to the team than... a fencing épée."

"And right on time, here come two more replacement Xplorers from Melancholy of Perfection. Cliff Barkley, fresh from the recently-disbanded... Society of Metal Werewolves. Good of MoP to give him a second chance at glory."

"Metal like a robot, or metal like beating someone to death with their own mandible?"

"Possibly both! Also on the scene is Flopflap Stingdick, another beneficiary of the fine cybernetics technology of Malboro Recreational Chemistry."

"SO THIRSTY!"

How ya doing, buddy?

SQUISH SQUISH SPOOLOSH SQUISH

Take Hula Hoop. Wear it as a belt

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

"Mmmmm... Those noises sure are enticing..."

Fluids, fluids, fluids! What a sound!

Mamara draws closer to the source of the noises, and pauses to behold Flopflap in all his (its?) glory.

"I could get used to having such a fine source of auralgasms on our team... HELLOOOOOO JUICE!!!"

And with that, she dives onto (into?) Flopflap with great vigor and enthusiasm.

Most amazing jew boots

flopflap stings your dick

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Jill always liked shiny things and this statue had them in spades. Flying up to the eye sockets, she tried to wrench out the gemstones using her pocket shank. That the North Berkshire Shoddy Security Correctional Facility weren't too familiar with pixie anatomy had meant she had managed to hold on to the wickedly sharpened toothbrush for her whole stretch and she had left that place having caused more deaths and serious injuries than she'd been charged for in the first place. That was also where she'd learnt the love for Mrs Miggins' Meths-based Moonshine, a relaxing beverage that was surprisingly difficult to come by outside of the Albion penal system.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

"Those certainly are a large pair of rubies."

"Yeah, I sort of expected something to happen when she pried them out. Rolling boulder, collapsing floor. Ceiling spikes. That sort of thing."

"Nothin'. Just... free money."

"Cults are really slipping these days."


Now the map is on this page! Maybe that will help.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Sven gives Flapflip whatever the hell that omega tech was that Skills said he wanted.

"Hello, Robomushroom! It is good to see you again! This belonged to Robodino. He would want you to have it. I'm just assuming that - because he's dead, you see! Hahahaha!"

I was speaking idiomatically.

1 Die Roll take apart ROCKET POD

THANK YOU FRIENDLY VERTEBRATE CREATURE. I APPRECIATE THIS ORGAN TRANSFER DEVICE. I PROMISE NOT TO USE IT ON YOU IF I CAN HELP IT.

Flopflap examines his entry pod, and checks to see if he can dismantle or recover anything of value from it.

To onlookers, this looks like he's just hitting it randomly with his jelly appendages. There is lots of suction cup noises.

In reality...that's exactly what's going on. He's just molesting it.

DOES HE FIND ANYTHING?
I have no idea if 14 is good enough to lash apart an ODST drop pod.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Having secured enough mineral wealth to keep her liquered up for the next century or so, Jill decided to indulge her second great love and went to go and look at all the firey stuff off to the west. She noticed as she returned to floor level that there were a couple of newbies in the room but nobody seemed to be fighting them so she assumed they were part of the team. Jill never paid too much attention to other people if they weren't offering her booze. Most people she came into contact with seemed to catch fire or come down with a sudden and fatal bout of stabbing shortly after being introduced to her. Also jellyfish, no matter how robotic were just plain icky.

FELIPE NO

"What's he doing, looting his own drop pod? You'd think there would be time for that during the flight."

"The flight lasts about 90 seconds, and judging by Stingdick's general anatomy I imagine that the g-forces involved spread him fairly evenly over the pod interior."

"He still could have looked around."

"I'm not sure he has what you'd typically consider eyes. Well, he's found a bottle of windshield wiper fluid, an inflatable life vest, and a flare gun. You can't say Magic Missile doesn't prepare for the worst."

"What are these mysterious machines Jones is looking at?"

"Oh, those are just... I mean, uh, obviously those are for... probably... I don't know."

"Certainly pumping out a lot of fumes, though."

"Maybe poisonous fumes! Maybe poisonous, caustic fumes!"

"We can hope. Viewers, if you need poisonous, caustic fumes in your home or office, don't hesitate to call on Catoblepas Security. They'll take your breath away."

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Cliff finally stops chewing on his weapon long enough to take a look around and figure out where the small-fast-rocket-thing dropped him. It seems that he is now to be a part of a team much stranger than his last one. Or maybe not. The werewolves were all well and good, but being robotic and having parts of yourself that morphed and changed size led to some pretty embarrassing problems. Like when Jordan changed form, and his arm fell off. As cool as the rest of the team had thought the implants might be, Cliff felt pretty good about his decision to skip them. The others didn't really regret the decision, but, well... they didn't really regret much of anything anymore.

As Cliff wanders around the room, he spots the little girl beginning to explore the room. Something deep in his brain tells him that he must protect such creatures at all costs, so he bounds over towards her, tail wagging uncontrollably.

How ya doing, buddy?

Flopflap didn't bring his pet canary (which he has named PROFESSOR CHIRPIESWORTH P FIDDLEBOTTOM), on this trip. A shame. Would have been useful here. Oh well, the next best thing.

Loading up on the basic survival gear he found, he splooshes and gooshes his way to the Diggle corpses, and grabs one that looks...mostly intact.

THIS SPECIMEN WILL DO NICELY. THE STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY OF THIS CORPSE IS APPROXIMATELY 73%.

He drags it down to where the fairy is standing, and throws it at the red, noxious machine.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

The machines smelled bad. As such, Jill lost interest almost immediately.

Turning away, slightly disappointed, she was faced with what appeared to be an enthusiastic and friendly dog, or lizard, it was a little difficult to tell. Either way it had a cute, waggy tail.

"Hello Mr Doggy, would you like a bone?"

Skipping over to the corpse of the recently deceased elf, she wrenched off one of it's arms and held it out invitingly for the doggy to come and gnaw on.

Most amazing jew boots

Sven narrowed his eyes at the prancing, furry creature. He had heard of these so-called "doges" before. A cunning race possessing powerful mind-control skills. He would be vigilant.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

"Caustic indeed! That's probably the fastest diggle skeletonization on record."

"Such a well-cleaned diggle skeleton would look fine in a trophy room. I mean, if there was some way to recover it from the horrible murder gas."

"You'd put a skeleton with only 73% structural integrity up on the wall?"

"Frankly I was surprised to see that diggles even have skeletons instead of, I don't know, some kind of angry machine. Surrounded by meat. Meat machine. But no, just another skeleton."

"Sometimes there's no romance in the world."

Most amazing jew boots

"You there! Doge! Do you know machines? It looks like that red mist is bad news! Maybe you can shut the machine off! Give it a try!"

Sven is so clever.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

After waving a succession of meaty tidbits in front of the doggy's nose and getting little in the way of a reaction, Jill turned her attention back to the wider task at hand, that of finding her way out of this slumhole and retrieving the vast liquor cache she vaguely remembered someone promising her.

There were no obvious exits to the room meaning there must be a hidden one. Banking on the architects of this fane sticking to the tried and tested methods of underground temple design, she flitted over to take a look behind the massive statue. There's always a hidden passage behind the statue.

FELIPE NO