D&D Arena: Brutal Bastards, Beegraks and von Brandt

"What a massive horn!" Cyrus thinks to himself, as Beegraks mounts the beast. The sorcerer gazes transfixed at the magnificent size and breadth of the rigid shaft. He can't get enough of that supersized body part. Its after-image lingers in his consciousness long after Horny and her scaly friend trundle outside the cramped room.

Beegraks guides Horny down the corridor, making sure for her to stomp rudely on Smarno's corpse. The passage terminates in a dead-end, with what appears to be a rusty torture device flush against the far wall. Beegraks turns his rhinoceros to the left, forcing it to squeeze into the Smarno tried to lure the dragonborn into.

The room is marked by cobwebs and dried smears of blood. The room's walls are covered with dust, save for two objects: a switch to the right, and a throne made of solid stone right in front of the two. A sign next to the lever reads: "Erocktrick Chair".

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"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Electric Chair? Sounds like an opportunity for MORE POWER. I will steal this chair's electric, Beegraks, and have it for myself."

Sit in the electric chair

"THROW THE SWITCH! I shall have command of the lightning as yet undreamed of!"



This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Beegraks watches as Von Brandt sit in the erotic chair, screaming something about gaining more power. Horny is evidently agitated by all this, and as Cyrus starts screaming for Beegraks to flick the switch, Horny starts moving about wildly, and it isn't long before her horn grabs the switch and flicks it.



I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Cyrus seats himself on the throne, and demands the dragonborn to flip the switch.

Beegraks obliges his comrade, and watching passively as a few stone tiles from the wall on either side of the throne start to jut out. Before he could utter a sound, the tiles fly out of the wall violently, hurtling full speed towards each other. They meet with a sickening *crack* where Cyrus head was. Tiles and head are all pulverized in that glorious orgiastic instant.

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Cyrus' headless body tumbles to the ground, blood spurting from the open wound on his neck. Just as the dragonborn contemplates on yet another blood fountain feast, an unearthly glow suffuses the half-elf's corpse.

What happens next defies all earthly explanation. Perhaps the slimplest is that Beegraks hallucinated it all. Only tails grow back. Heads. Do. Not.

Beegraks and von Brandt lose a life. 2 left.
Von Brandt restored to full vitality.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Beegraks never ceases to be amazed at the Magic Man's ability to turn a bad situation into something that was worth it. Though the pain he went through to get there seemed rather intense, Von Brandt looks rejuvenated more than ever with his newly minted head.

After the amazement settles down, the dragoborn searches the room over for any hint regarding the password door that he encountered down the hall. If the goblin had retreated into this room, there must have been a reason, he thinks.



What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

"I died. And yet, I live!"

Strap Smarno's corpse into the chair
Flip the switch until I get a zombie minion

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At first glance, room is devoid of anything other than the Erocktrick Chair and the lever. However, Beegrak's insistent examination reveals a tiny document wedged under the chair.

It reads:

Dear Customer:

Thank you for the purchase of the Techno Word-Access Tester 5000.

As the very latest in Alchemical technology, the TWAT5000 has been specially engineered to utilize your most frequent utterances within the training period as the given passphrase.

No further interaction with the TWAT5000 is required.

For any questions, our customer service representatives are only a Sending ritual away.

Sincerely,
The DoomSayer Alchemical Company

The rejuvenated sorcerer straps in Smarno's half-eaten corpse, and flips the switch. Although the halfling's head explodes in spectacular fashion, his resurrection does not appear to be forthcoming.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

As Beegraks tries to figure out where exactly these 5000 twats are, he decides that since they clearly aren't in this room it's time to get on with some more searching action.

Directing Horny towards the password door, he gets her riled up enough to charge into the door, hoping to break it down.



Jam it back in, in the dark.

1 Dice Roll *Gore damage

CHAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!

Beegraks runs his horned mount right into the TWAT5000-protected door. Horny's horn makes a sizeable indentation in the stone, and something in the mechanism appears to give. It won't be able to survive another such attack.

15 damage to door; 7 damage to Horny.

ASSPERD --VAID! ISH RE--DER ASHPERD

Although Horny suffered ony superficial damage from hitting a door, the headband at the end of its horn was not quite so lucky. Although the pair didn't know it, they had just destroyed Smarno's Command Circlet

. It would have allowed the wearer to control the flesh golem like a marionette. How sad.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Beegraks comforts the beast upon hearing its cries of pain, and then gives the order to keep up the charge, for the good of the cause. They've been in this dank cave too long, and a dragonborn needs that fresh air every now and again.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

3 Dice Rolls Initiative-Tarrasque

The dragonborn perseveres in his charge, charging his charge to charge the already-charged wall. This time, the rhinoceros proves more powerful than the slab of stone, and the momentum carries the dragonborn, his steed, and the door for several feet.

Beegraks is in a new room now, a natural cavern of sorts. In the nick of time, he espies a deep hole ahead, and immediately throttles Horny. The pair stop short of the hazard, but the slab goes hurtling into the hole, where it impacts the ground with a thunk and a splash.

Within a split second of the coppery scent assaulting his nostrils, the dragonborn realizes that the massive hole ahead of him was filled to the brim... with blood.

Before his horrified eyes, a dark shadow rises from the blood pool, apparently nursing a bump on its head. The creature is gargantuan, larger than any dragon he's ever seen. The reptilian creature has two massive horns on its head, each horn as big as the paladin. Issuing a massive roar, the creature draws itself to its full height of fifty feet, and glares at the two intruders.

Defenses:
Tarrasque: AC 34 Fort 40 Ref 29 Will 23 (surprised)

Surprise Round: Beegraks | Round 1: Tarrasque, Von Brandt, Beegraks

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

As Beegraks spots the beast in the pool of blood, he freezes for a moment to consider what he could possibly do to make it go away. Not finding anything at the moment, he quickly indicates to Horny that now would be a good time to get the hell out of here.

Move back into the corridor as fast as Horny can



I was speaking idiomatically.

1 Die Roll Great Jumpin' Lizards

Probably sensing a severe threat to his life and limb, the Paladin beats a hasty retreat. To his horror, what was a clear passageway a few moments ago was nothing but solid rock.

The gigantic lizard cuts through the thick pool with great ease. A short leap later, and the Tarrasque has already brought the dragonborn and his pet within striking range.

Tarrasque double-moves and climbs out the pool.

Von Brandt, Beegraks, ROUND 2: Tarrasque

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

"Beegraks! Where have you gone? And what's that noise?"

A violent shuddering rocks the underground tunnels.

"Did you find another bulette? Sounds like a big one! I will put a giant derby hat and a monocle on him and I will call him Dr. Squishy! I will! You cannot stop me!"

Cyrus is still feeling more than a little woozy from his recent resurrection.

I'm not 100% sure where I'm even AT relative to Beegs right now but uh double-run toward the tarrasque, why not

FELIPE NO

1 Die Roll hell of it

Beegraks is really in it now. Not willing to stay here and eventually have his blood be added to the pool that lay on the other side of the big ugly beast, he directs horny towards the small corridor to the north of their current position.

Dragon Breath at the tarrasque, for the hell of it
Double move towards the tunnel at N-4, continuing as far as my movement will allow


Beegraks throws a parting spit at the beast, which doesn't seem to affect it one bit. Oh well. Surely that will at the very least enrage it more.



What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

5 Dice Rolls *Lizard is hurt

Hearing a loud commotion, Von Brandt rushes towards his erstwhile ally.

But the foolish fool was just foolishly standing by the slab he had his bulette charge! Typical lazy Beegraks not to finish the job he's started. Oh well, it wouldn't be too difficult for the mighty sorcerer to dispatch the obstacle, what with an indentation of Horny's horn already evident on the damaged stone slab.

Wait, did the dragonborn just spit on the slab? What is going on here?

---

The paladin's in a serious fight for his life now! Now that escape has been barred with magic rocks that appeared out of nowhere, there was nothing else to do but to spit in the monster's eye. Too bad for Beegraks, the tarrasque doesn't seem to particularly mind his poisonous breath. Maybe it didn't need eyes to see.

Then, from the corner of his eye, Beegraks spots an escape route to his left. He motions his rhinoceros to charge to the gap. It's a tight fit, but Horny should be able to squeeze through.

Horny is raked by the tarrasque's claws as she passes through the creature's reach. Then the gigantic lizard moved closer to our (anti)heroes, slashing at both rider and mount with furious attacks.

Bite vs Horny (OA): +25 vs AC. Hit for 24 damage, plus 15 ongoing (save ends).
Fury of the Tarrasque: Bite, plus Trample or Tail Slap.
Bite vs Horny. Critical miss!
Tail Slap vs Beegraks: +32 vs Fortitude. Hit for 42 damage; Beegraks pushed to I-1 and knocked prone.

Von Brandt, Beegraks, Round 2: Tarrasque

Jam it back in, in the dark.

1 Die Roll bluff, I guess?

Von Brandt stroked his beard knowingly. Surely, his companion was enmeshed in what the high elves called the teiraesia mendri — the war against the self. While no real foe was at hand, Beegraks was more than capable of hurting himself while trapped within his own imagination.

The slab was probably to blame. Cyrus frowns as Beegraks violently reels to one side, only kept atop his bulette by the narrowness of the corridor. The hallucinations were getting violent. Best to lead him away.

"Hey, bulette! The real danger is back here! Best deal with me before I slay you both — before I slay you with my mighty boot!

And with that, Cyrus kicks the bulette in the flank.

Attempt to provoke Horny to turn away from the slab via judiciously applied kicking.



There's nowhere I can't reach.

1 Die Roll Trickery be gone! (insight)

Beegraks starts reflecting on the fact that he might finally be at his end. Funny it should be by being devoured by a scaly creature himself, had he had done to so many before him. And the magnificient beast he had just met would probably be devoured before his very eyes. Funny that Cyrus didn't find a way to him... Wait, what's that sound?



How ya doing, buddy?

2 Dice Rolls Ow

Von Brandt boots a dangerous animal on the rear. It didn't particularly faze the heavily-armored rhinoceros, but Horny does respond with a startled kick. It barely connects, but a hit is still a hit.

Von Brandt takes 9 damage.

While clearing the stars from his eyes, the ground beneath Beegraks suddenly shakes violently. He hears a loud squeal behind him, presumably his poor mount being eaten alive by that over-sized lizard-dragon-thing he foolishly dropped a slab on.

Hey -- danger --- me --- slay.... Might--!

That sounded like the sorcerer, but where was he?

----

Back in reality, Cyrus von Brandt picks himself off the ground, cursing the bulette's stupidity. Recipes for bulette flit through his mind, and the half-elf suddenly feels hungry.

Then he feels it --- the creature's kick jolted him awake from the intoxicating effects of his resurrection. There is a faint undercurrent of magic emanating from very close by. He would probably be able to disrupt it with any spell, provided he can pinpoint the source.

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1 Die Roll hmm?

Persuasion had failed. It generally did. Cyrus considered himself a reasonable man, but few of his enemies were reasonable in turn. So it goes. Time for Plan B: throw lightning at it.

Throw lightning at it (the slab)

How ya doing, buddy?

The dragonborn decides that better than to stay where he is and be devoured himself, he might as well try and get as far away from the creature as he can. Surely it won't be able follow him into these narrow tunnels.

Double run down the northwest tunnel



What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

7 Dice Rolls *Damage

Von Brandt's powerful lightning crumbles what's left of the security device into dust, just as Beegraks, in his reverie, decides to run full tilt from the Tarrasque. Taking her master's cue, Horny easily breaks through the barrier, and manages to charge 25 feet before crashing into a lighted fireplace. A passage leads to Beegraks' left hand side, but the way is barred by a brass door. The only furnishing in the room, Other than the fireplace, was a fine piece of leopard skin pelt, now trampled messily by a stupid rhino.

I guess my little April Fool's Tarrasque prank fooled no one

Told you! Told you it wouldn't work!

The voice came from a funny wrinkled humanoid monster, with a pair of glasses as its most prominent feature. It was standing in the room to the dragonborn's right. The paladin could faintly see some beer kegs to the monster's back. But what was more striking was the ... thing ... that it was talking to, lurking a few feet behind him, just to the back of the TWAT-5000.

It was by far the ugliest monster Beegraks has ever seen. Its crimson skin was mottled with sores, and - most distressingly - it had very long tentacles where its mouth should be. Cyrus' skin went cold as his partner relays this new information. The Half-Elf has heard tales of Far Realm abominations such as this, but this was the first time he's seen a mind flayer up close. This one appears to be exceptionally agile, given its ability to jump out of the way before Horny could gore it to death.

Get over here! Let's fight them on more favorable terrain!

...

The mind flayer snorts its disapproval, but retreats anyway. It looses a psionic barrage on the horned heroes roasting by the fireplace first before ducking back into the next room.

Mind Blast: +11 vs Will. Hits Beegraks for 18 and Horny for 13 psychic damage. Both dazed (save ends)

Von Brandt (23), Monster with the Glasses (12), Beegraks (10), ROUND 2: Mind Flayer Inquisitor (24)

How ya doing, buddy?

So, what happened to them?

They didn't make it past the illithid and his shady friend.

Seriously? Zoidberg was able to do them in? I'd expect the lich, but that... mind flayer reject?!

That's the strangest thing, my lord. Von Brandt just froze in place. And when Zoidberg went to eat his brains, there was nothing there!

Oh?

Nothing more than a strange mechanical device where his brain should be. I have absolutely no idea how he was able to move and think...

Do not concern yourself. Suffice to say that wasn't the real Cyrus Von Brandt. The cloning process clearly needs more refinement.

Oh.

But I assure you the dragonborn was real. What of him?

Smothas Beegraks? With Von Brandt incapacitated, he never really had a chance. But for what it's worth, he and his little pet put up a mighty struggle.

Did they survive?

Zoidberg didn't want to eat his brain. Says it wouldn't satisfy even a little bird. As for the rhinoceros, it died of wounds sustained in battle, but the dragonborn had some sort of scroll...

Ah yes, our standard two free resurrections. So Beegraks is alive? We can still use him?

He's back in the Arena, but not like before. I don't think we can use him, a lot of the fight's left him. He seems depressed about Von Brandt's death.

I can imagine. After all...

*click*

DID YOU KNOW THAT I'VE NEVER KNOWN HOW IT FEELS TO LOVE?

*click*

He seems to have formed quite the attachment to the sorcerer.

Most of the audience cheered right there and then, my lord. They never suspected they were being scryed on.

We'll have to start anew then. Shar will want to know about this setback. Sigh. Mark my words, that harlot will fall.

...

Continue casting your net, and inform me if you root out any promising candidates.

At once, Lord Cyric!

THE END
of
Beegraks and Von Brandt

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?