D&D Arena: Brutal Bastards, Beegraks and von Brandt

Beegraks picks up the contents of the chest and heads over to Cyrus, who seems to be having some sort of conversation with the big metal man at the end of the hall. What he would be doing standing around in a place like this completely escapes the dragonborn's understanding, until he spots the two chest in the small passage next to him. Since the magic man doesn't seem too concerned with such material things as treasure chests and their contents (well, maybe just the contents, as he seems to be quite interested in box lids), Beegraks heads over to the chests quietly to avoid the metal man's attention and examines them carefully. These do not seem like ordinary chests, so the loot they contain must be extra shiny.

Head over to chests
Check for traps
If negative on the traps, try to open the silver one, if it is locked, try the keys



What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Taking advantage of Cyrus' distraction, Beegraks stealthily tiptoes into the treasure chest room for more looting and plundering. There were three chests in the tiny alcove, none of which were locked or booby-trapped.

The scaly scalawag flips the lid of the silver sarcophagus, only to see.... nothing inside. The lid's underside is etched with a mysterious number:

1 / 4

A wheedling voice, quite faint at first, begin to speak the moment Beegraks opens the chest. The whisper soon escalated a deafening tirade.

FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME!!!


Jam it back in, in the dark.

The dragonborn, upon hearing the deafening screams, promptly closes the lid with his elbow while plugging his ears, peeks over at Cyrus to see if he's noticed anything, and moves on to opening the golden sarcophagus.

How ya doing, buddy?

Beegraks hurriedly slams the silver chest shut. Its greedy screams were grating on his nerves.

Briefly sweeping his eyes suspiciously over the copper and silver-plated chests, his arms close around the gold chest lid, and he sweeps it open with great speed.

Empty again. Except for:

1 / 2

GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME!!!

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

"Oh boy. What is it with chests being so annoying in this place? First, two boxes attack us and now these boxes are demanding nourishment. What does a box eat anyway?"

Beegraks thinks to himself as he repeats his previous gesture with the gold and copper chests. It is quite odd that Von Brandt has not come over to see what all the hoopla is yet. His conversation with the big metal man must be of the intense sort.



I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Replacing the gold chest lid, Beegraks prudently stoppers his ears before opening the third and final chest. As expected, there is yet again some numbers carved on the lid's underside.

1 / 5

A single platinum coin lies inside the chest. It is strangely silent, although the Dragonborn could swear he's hearing a tiny whisper directed at him: "Please sir, I want some more." It is probably his imagination though.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Cyrus was quite distracted indeed, taken as he was with the glorious armor before him.

"I am no coward, but it has come to this", he mutters. "In these dark times, my physical frailty must not be allowed to slow me in my quest for freedom and vengeance. Though this armor be both heavy and clumsy, its infinite durability cannot be denied."

Thus determined. Cyrus dons the layered platemail.

Has he lost his mind?
Can he see or is he blind?
Can he walk at all
Or if he moves will he fall?

"Behold, dragonborn!", he shouts, his victorious roar echoing from within the mighty helm.

"I AM IRON BRANDT."

And with that, the Invincible Iron Brandt rips the pouch from the door and proceeds to hammer away at it with his mailed fists. Offerings were for lesser men.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

The oil covering Cyrus von Brandt has all but dripped off after he strenuously dons the plate armor. Finally however, the simpering sorcerer is transformed anew into an armored avenger, ready to strike evil into the hearts of every do-gooder out there!


Heh. Who would have thought cloth armor, after all your feats and magic, is better than plate.

The Invincible Iron Brandt rips off the offering pouch - eighteen platinum pieces clatter into the ground. He batters the door with his fists, but receives no reply for his trouble, save for a small dent on the doors that is growing bigger with every hit.

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Beegraks is somewhat puzzled by what he has just experienced with the boxes. Not quite sure what to do about it, he decides to go back and see his partner in crime to see if he has any ideas. Instead of seeing the magic man, he only sees the big metal man banging on the door up the hall. As he looks around for Cyrus, Beegraks notices the platinum pieces on the floor and decides to pick them up as sneakily as possible, so the big metal man won't notice him.

After quite a bit of pondering, Beegraks gets an idea and decides to put it into action.

He starts by adding three platinum pieces into the copper sarcophagus.
Then, he opens the gold sarcophagus and puts in ten platinum pieces quickly before closing it again.
Finally, he repeats the operation by placing the five remaining pieces into the silver sarcophagus.

Quite proud of himself for doing so much complicated reasoning in one go, Beegraks takes a moment to relax his very tense brain.



What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

2 Dice Rolls Rolling more bones, shh

OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM
OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM
OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM

Despite Beegraks' fears, the chests gulp down the platinum pieces with good manners and right conduct. Politely suppressing a burp, the gold chest finally speaks up.

Thank you very much, kind sir!

A bright flash fills the room, forcing the dragonborn to shield his delicate eyes. When the light subsided, the boxes were nowhere to be seen. And neither was Cyrus, for that matter. The suit of armor appeared to have gobbled him up without Beegraks noticing.

The keys Beegraks pocketed earlier now pulse with magical energy - it doesn't take an arcanist to notice; the glow was a giveaway. At the same time, a new scent comes to the dragonborn's nose. Smells like... a ripe gutter.

More importantly however, the doors Iron Brandt was pounding earlier are now open. There was someone on the other side, the oddest goblin the pair has ever seen:

Well hello-ooo there. Finally gotten past it, have you? Good, good. You know, you've been making so much noise. I could not concentrate, you know.

The strange goblin pauses, looking intently at the Dragonborn.

You know, you're perfect. Yes yes, just what I need. Come with me, you won't regret it you know? You can leave your tin toy here, you know.

He gestures towards the back of the passage, pointing towards the room towards the far end to Beegraks' left.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

2 Dice Rolls YOU TRYING TO TRICK ME?

Beegraks is still somewhat confused by everything that just happened. The magic man seems to have been swallowed up by the big metal man from earlier. He thinks to himself that luck is not his companion's biggest asset, as since waking up in this cave he's first had his bones taken out of his body and attack him, was then nearly transformed into a goo puddle, and now he's been encased in a metal prison.

This goblin fellow seems like he has something up his sleeve. Beegraks peeks into the room which the little green man has gestured towards carefully, and he keeps his eyes open for anything that might give away the little man's intentions. The dragonborn's headache from all that complicated adding and dividing of things is still very much present, and he's in no mood to play around.

"Why do you want me to go in there alone little man? And why don't you want the magic metal man to follow me in there? And while we're at it, do you have any clue how we wound up in here? I suggest you consider your answers carefully."

Observe the goblin for any sign of deception
If the little man won't spill the beans, try to intimidate him



There's nowhere I can't reach.

Wait, wait wait wait... hold it! You say there's a magic man inside that metal? That's even more perfect, you know! I have this project, you know? Been working on it for many cycles now. I just need a little bit of help, you know, and it'll be all finished. Yes yes. Say you'll help, please please please, both of you?

There're two ways you can get in here, you know. Dig your way in like grave robbers, or go through a teleportation circle. You don't look that dirty, you know? Haven't been digging, yes? Someone must have pushed you into a teleporter, yes? Just like me. Oh wait, no. I came here voluntarily, you know?

Come, come! Come with me. Come with Smarno Bonnor!

Opposed Insight Check: 24 vs 21, success (see previous post for bluff roll).
Intimidation Check: failure.

Beegraks glares intently at Smarno, looking for any sign of deception. The goblin doesn't seem to be lying outright, although he's probably not telling the whole truth either.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

2 Dice Rolls Initimimididate

"Hudda hudda huh. Hut, hut."

Running start to build up momentum
FAIL TO Punt Smarno down the hallway

"Hrmph. Well, just, uh, my foot slipped, there. Lead on, tiny person. But beware: if any tricks are afoot—"

Cyrus claps his steel gauntlets together, as though squashing a bug.

Intimidate: 18
Follow him wherever he wants to go



I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

If Beegraks was still unsure wether or not Cyrus had in fact been absorbed into the big metal man, he could have no doubt after seeing his most recent antics. He should have known that no cave dwelling spirit could nullify the magic man's inexplicable will.

Since the goblin doesn't seem to have any tricks planned for the immediate future, The dragonborn decides to go along with his plans for now.



I was speaking idiomatically.

Tricks? No no no no no! Smarno is offended you say he's a trickster, you know. But I'll forgive you if you come this way!

And so, the green goblin leads the pair through the corridor -- past a small room with an ornate wooden chest (I could never open it, you know. Needs some kind of key!) and a room stacked to the brim with corpses (Raw materials! Forgot to clean up, sorry!)

Finally, Smarno stops in front of another room.

Please! Enter!

The stone tiles of the last room are flecked with bloodstains, and the walls are littered with cobwebs. Iron Brandt could vaguely detect some traces of magic somewhere close by.

Beegraks, on the other hand, is more concerned with the corpse room. Ever since his swamp slaughter, he's never seen a body count as high as this. It is beautiful! Truly a fine work of art!

Although, the Dragonborn is slightly unsettled at the slight movement he could detect. Was it just settling. Or are some of these unfortunates still alive? If so, the goblin clearly needs more practice.

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"A locked chest you say? Could you show it to me before we follow you to wherever it is you want us to go?"

Beegraks asks the little green man, remembering the two keys he found while dealing with the screaming boxes.

Try to open the treasure box with them thar keys



FELIPE NO

1 Die Roll arcanity

"TREACHERY!"

Something was squirming amidst the corpses. Iron Brandt could appreciate a good slaughter, but something was clearly alive in there. Obviously it was more goblins, planning to flank them from behind once this Smarno had lowered their guard.

Though suspicious, Iron Brandt proceeds into the bloodstained chamber. It was possible that the goblin was only acting incredibly suspicious because he didn't know any better. Iron Brandt had been there. Involuntary Suspiciousness Syndrome was no laughing matter.

Back into bloodstained room while keeping an eye on Smarno
Arcana check



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4 Dice Rolls Initiative-Rulk

No no no, don't go in there. It stinks, you know?

Despite the goblin's best persuasion, Iron Brandt strides purposefully into the corpse room. His paranoid instincts tell him that their erstwhile host was planning an ambush; he cannot be dissuaded from investigating.

How right he was!

(Sigh) I had hoped it wouldn't have come to this. Rulk!!!

A large meaty hand blasts right through the mound of corpses, sending gore and body parts flying everywhere. The hand's owner draws itself to its full length of eight feet. The gigantic monstrosity is entirely made out of corpses.

Gentlemen? Meet the project. I had hoped to incorporate your bits and pieces with Rulk peacefully. As you can see, he's a gigantic red monster. I need bile, you see. Yellow humour from living beings. Need to stain him green. i mean, Who's ever heard of a red hulk?

Now abandoning all pretense of jocularity, Smarno prepares for combat.

Anyway! Rulk, smash!

------------------

Defenses:
Smarno: AC 22 Fort 21 Ref 22 Will 20
Rulk (Decrepit Flesh Golem): AC 20 Fort 23 Ref 18 Will 19

Terrain considerations: Corpse room is entirely difficult terrain.

Cyrus (24), Rulk (15), Smothas (7), Smarno (4)

Jam it back in, in the dark.

2 Dice Rolls zap~

His suspicions were confirmed. Smarno was up to no good. Not that Iron Brandt was up to any good either. It could be argued, von Brandt mused, that Smarno was, incidentally, up to some good by the pure accident of standing in the way. The whole thing smelled of a setup, though. What kind of name was "Smarno Bonnor"? Clearly a pseudonym. Some kind of anagram, probably. "Morons Rob Ann"? Could be. Beegraks had robbed a lot of women of one thing or another. "Non Snob Armor"? Iron Brandt's new duds were certainly quality, but they didn't seem especially snobbish. "Born On Ransom"? Iron Brandt didn't recall ever holding anyone for ransom. On the whole it was faster just to kill the rich people directly.

Iron Brandt's eyes widened as he came to the obvious answer. "Son, Manor Born". He gazed on Beegraks with a new disgust.

"Goblins, man? Really? Have some standards."

Still, it wasn't in von Brandt's blood to hold a man responsible for his philandering. "You can't hold on to the past, boy!", he shouts, ignoring the confused expression on Smarno's face. "Carve your own path! He's a wild man, you can't try to tie him down! Wooooo! Wooooooo yeah!"

Iron Brandt felt that perhaps he had gone somewhat off-message. And so, enabled with greasy fast speed, he rushed over to Smarno and smacked him upside the head. Ah, violently battering a tiny, defenseless creature. Iron Brandt was suddenly nostalgic for the beatings of his youth. Say what you will about old lady von Brandt, she knew how to keep an orderly house.

Lightning Shift to H22
Second Wind
Action Point
Lightning Strike vs Smarno; no line of sight to branch it to Rulk
13 damage to Smarno



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1 Die Roll Slam vs BR

I'm a Baron, you know. Casting aspersions on my birth is unforgivable in my book. RULK! SMASH LIZARD. I'LL CRUSH ARMORMAN!

The obedient golem squeezes itself through the door, its long sinewy arms threatening all enemies from eight feet away. Suddenly, its fingers ball into a fist, and slams it right down on Smothas Beegraks.

Slam: +11 vs AC. 2d8+5 damage; target pushed 2 squares.

The dragonborn doesn't even feel it.

Such durability! I simply must have your hide for my project!

Smothas (+1 x8), Smarno, ROUND 2 Cyrus (+1 x3), Rulk

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

8 Dice Rolls Hey Von B, check this out

Beegraks was pondering how sometimes Von Brandt's genius got simply rendered comprehension of the simplest things almost impossible for the magic man. Otherwise, he would have caught on to the obvious phallic reference of the goblin's pseudonym much earlier on and he wouldn't have wasted so much time thinking about it. Really.

"Bonnor".

That wasn't clear enough for him?

As Beegraks chuckles to himself at the goblin's ill chosen alias, the Rulk's giant hands swing by his face just in time for him to duck under them and swing his flail in retaliation.

Activate Counterstrike Guards power for free swing on the Rulk
Activate Giantkind Gloves encounter power (+2 damage)
9 damage to the Rulk

Beegraks slides swiftly to try and rejoin his companion before swinging his mighty flail at his enemy again. And again. He also spits his rank breath at them for good measure.

Shift to M22
Dragon Breath towards the north east, so as to hit both enemies but not Von B
9 damage to Smarno, sanctionned
Unyielding Faith on Rulk
29 damage to Rulk, sanctionned until the end of the encounter
Action Point! (I gain 5 temp HP thanks to Fireheart tattoo)
Resurgent Smite on Rulk
Had to miss sometime didn't I

Though he tried to inspire Von Brandt with his final swing, the fact that it went wide of such a big target really didn't help Beegraks' cause.



I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

5 Dice Rolls *Oshi resurgent smite hits

Beegraks burns brightly in a nova explosion of exploits. But not before narrowly dodging a wayward golem hand, thrown in reaction to his halitosis breath.

Berserk Attack: Immediate reaction. Free slam attack vs. random enemy.
Attack misses due to penalty from squeezing.
Resurgent Smite actually hit due to combat advantage from squeezing. 25 damage; Von Brandt regains 27 HP.
Fuck squeezing. I should've just eaten Beegraks' opportunity attack.

I don't know why a meat head like you are swinging around that tiny knife. But you just reminded me. I need to get my good mace. Please wait a while, thanks!

With that, Smarno ducks into the doorway, and disappears from Cyrus' view . But not before sustaining a painful wound.

Von Brandt's Opportunity attack deals 7 damage.

Cyrus (+1 x3), Rulk, Smothas (+1 x9), Smarno, ROUND 3

I was speaking idiomatically.

1 Die Roll how do they work

"A Baron, huh?" Cyrus thought it through. Baron Mrs. No-No? Nah. That would just be weird.

"Good job beating on that meat.... uh, meat golem. Er, well. You've got the situation well in hand, anyway. I'll go wrestle with that obnoxious little Bonnor."

Something about the situation was making Cyrus feel mildly nauseous.

Dash through the doorway Smarno fled through.
If I see him, attack with Shocking Magnetism
Well, hopefully I don't see him, ha ha



How ya doing, buddy?

6 Dice Rolls Zone damage

Cyrus boldly pursues Smarno Bonnor, the Manor-born Son of Baron Mon Sorn. No Morons Barn in the family, that's for sure. Judging by the goblin's high-pitched cackle however, he's reasonably certain Smarno has no Man Orb nor Son.

As he rounds the corner, a small orange object lands on the floor in front of him. It looks like a vegetable of some sort.

Aha, aha, aha ha ha ha THINK FAST!!!!

Readied Action triggers (attack anyone who pursues)

Pumpkin Bomb: +10 vs. Fortitude. 1d10+4 force damage. Area burst 1 within 10; creates zone.

The resulting explosion was more flash than substance - Iron Brandt has seen worse concussions. Admittedly, the aftereffects of this one are worse than most.

End of Turn in zone: 10 force damage to von Brandt

Rulk wobbles unsteadily after Beegraks' savage attack, moving haphazardly towards the dragonborn and leaving him an opening. He takes it, but immediately regrets it when the creature starts rampaging at him.

Opportunity attack: 12 damage to Rulk.
Golem Rampage: Move at speed; slam against creatures whose spaces are entered.
Critical hit! 21 damage to Beegraks.
Action Point: Slam. Miss.

Beegraks is knocked back, barely dodging a follow-up strike from the raging golem. Rulk straightens into his full height, and trundles slowly towards the smotherer bandit.

Smothas (+1 x9), Smarno, ROUND 3: Cyrus (+1 x3), Rulk,

FELIPE NO

3 Dice Rolls *HAAAAYO!

The dragonborn starts reeling from the pain of the golem's immense frame ramming into him, and once again he notices the giant wheel that had once before been spinning over his head.

Spin super fun spin prize fun spin!

He shakes it off and gets right back to swinging his flail at the golem as though it were a fly swatter and the Rulk was one of them big swamp bugs that Beegraks had to deal with on a regular basis for most of his life. This time, he calls Zehir up to ask him for a little bit of assistance.

Divine Strength
Valorous Smite the Rulk
19 damage!
Shift to O23

As his flail rips off another large chunk from the Rulk, Beegraks ducks around the nearest corner in anticipation of the inevitable counter-push. He wonders how Iron Brandt is dealing with the little green pest seeing that they have somehow become separated once again.

"Hey Magic Man! Give him one for me would ya!"

What a good friend. Always so encouraging.



What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?