[DnD] Tomb of Horrors (GFF D&D Adventure X)

Slim seemed fascinated by the strange machine that appeared to have emerged from the chest while I was unconcious. I had a horrible feeling he was thinking of bringing it along with us.

In the bottom of the chest was a strange looking ring. At least I think it was a ring, on a smaller creature, it might have passed for a bangle. I wondered who it might belong to, it looked rather nice and I would dearly have liked to buy it should I know who to pay for it. I slipped it on to my finger for the time being. This certainly didn't look like a shop and having not met anyone big enough to wear the thing thus far, I was fairly certain that we'd bump into whoever did own it if we carried on deeper into the tomb.

Feeling a twinge of guilt at just taking the thing without asking, I dropped a few coins into the chest as a deposit for my purchase.

With nothing else of particular interest in the room, I asked Sam for my lantern back and headed back out into the corridor and waited for the others before squeezing myself into and down the other tunnel.

Take and equip Ring of Giants, leave 10gp as a downpayment in the chest. Get lantern back from Sam, go back to and down the other tunnel.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Upon further examination the machine was too uncontrollable to be worth the effort. Never one to leave behind something flammable Slim pockets the two fuel tanks and pries the cannon like nozzle bit off for later tinkering. Thinking to himself that Aquatic creatures are troublingly nonflammable he also grabs the waterbane scimitar.

Suddenly an idea for how he could make produce even more burnination strikes him! Slim wraps the head of his hammer in several layers of mummy cloth and then pours one his bottles of oil over it being careful to keep the handle dry. Then he affixes the chunk of flint from the trap to the striking side of his hammer. He also stuffs a long bit of bandage in each fuel tank with a bit hanging out.

Thoroughly loaded down with loot for this first time since this whole maneuver started and buoyed by the thought that there might be more things to smash in the next room he hops and skips after the minotaur whistling a jaunty tune.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Now that El Beefo seemed to be in a better mood, Garold decided to wander over and investigate the remains of the obnoxious skeleton, who was still mouthing off at Sam. Garold wasn't much of a swordsman, but for some reason he got a good vibe from one of the swords, so he picked it up and affixed it to his pack. While he was at it he snagged a nice cigar-sized fragment of rib to gnaw on. He always thought better when he had a bone to chew on. Plus it earned him furious glares from Murray, which was entertaining.

Grab luckblade scimitar.

He then ventured back out into the hall with Slim and Beefy and tried to remember what he was doing before all the commotion started. Oh right, the tunnel behind the gold sphere.

"Hey slim! Might be some more stuff to smash or light on fire in here." he said before standing under the tunnel ready to give the barbarian a boost should he want one.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I picked up the graceful Scimitar with my boot, flipping it up into my hands and testing out the heft. It felt good. It felt... really good. I spun it around once to hear the hum before I picked up my dropped weapons and followed the cow.

"Hey. Bovine Jackson. Wait up."

Pick up Graceful... Scimitar, I guess?

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Well, the weapons were tempting, but Slim had already grabbed the only one I could find any use out of (considering my "I can breathe underwater" stuff) and I was happy with my blade that let me zip around the room, but I picked up the Warblade anyway. It would probably fetch a pretty penny back in town, assuming I survived. I followed my fellows back down the tunnel and sat down in the corner of the painting room, warily avoiding any colored spheres. Fucking spears, thinking they're so smart.

Seeing the skull on the halfling's belt, I had a single question:

"Can I call you BOB?"

Grab Warblade, move back to room, healing surge to full.

How ya doing, buddy?

Leading the rest of the Furious Five down the cramped tunnel, I emerged into a massive chamber. I wasn't sure how deep we'd got since entering the tomb but the ceiling seemed improbably high in here.

Detecting the faint whiff of lavender that we had been told about before, I set off towards the south. The whole room had the air of a temple about it and I had never met an unfriendly priest before so I was moderately confident that there was no danger here.

Move to the south, staying within lantern light range of the others

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Beefi creeps down the red pathway in the center of the temple chamber, with the kobold and the halfling close behind him (the others having stopped for a breather in the hall of paintings). Passing row upon row of simple wooden pews, they happen at length upon the altar. Carved of blue stone, the altar sits upon a raised dais and emits a gentle blue glow (far too feeble to provide any illumination to the massive room). Also atop the dais is a wooden chair, a small black iron table (upon which stand two empty brass candelabras) and two bulky ceramic urns, each roughly as large as the kobold. The scent of lavender is even stronger here, but there's no clear sign of where it's coming from.

Underneath the nauseatingly strong perfume, Sam detects the all-too-familiar stink of charred meat — somewhere to the southwest, not far.

"This place seems perfectly safe", Murray sneers. "Go put something on the altar, why don't you? Maybe you'll get a blessing."

FELIPE NO

I smirked and patted murray on the head. I knew I was going to like this guy.

"Easy, boys. Something's been on the barbeque in here, and they don't look like a flank steak crowd."

I caught myself and nodded apologetically at beefi.

"No offense."

How ya doing, buddy?

Now aware that there was a barbecue happening quite near Slim wanders towards the smell hoping to throw some piranha's on the grill and make it surf and turf night.

MMMM smells like steaks on the menu!

He was starting to not like the skulls attitude much though and attempts to remove it's lower jaw to wear like a toothy tiara.

Keep up that backtalk and you won't get a fish.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

From what I could remember from the riddle in the entrance hall, we must be up to the bit where we had to sacrifice a magic ring or something.

"Wait up gents" I called to the others who seemed keen to investigate the burning smell "If I remember rightly, we're supposed to pop a magic ring on this or something and it just so happens that I found a magic ring in the box back there. Surely it can't be a coincidence, what?"

At the very least, that would ease my anguish at having taken the thing without properly paying for it.

I eased the ring off my finger and laid it on the altar, not entirely certain what to expect next.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Slim wanders off toward the source of the savory meat smell, only to find it quite inedible. A scorched and blasted corpse is sprawled on the otherwise spotless marble floor a few feet from the south wall. Some source of immense heat had cooked this poor unfortunate in their armor. The body is roughly humanoid, though the heap of blackened meat is much too well-done to make any kind of easy judgment regarding a specific species. None of the flame-broiled equipment looks as though it would have been worth much even if it had not been subject to an attempted cremation.

The body is sprawled out facing the west wall, the right forearm extended in that direction. In the southwest corner stands yet another mist-shrouded archway, this one issuing plumes of bright orange fog rather than the white vapors of the other arches.

Beefi drops the ring on the altar, but nothing seems to happen as a result. A few feet behind him, Sam's new pet skull is just barely suppressing a fit of the giggles.

"Well, that didn't work. Try using some other things in your inventory. Like the halfling, for example."

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

HMMMM clearly someone left this one on the grill far too long. But that's okay cooking with magical archways can be tricky. Time to give it a try of my own.

MEDIUM RARE!!!!

With his order placed Slim chunks a fish into the orange foggy archway.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

1 Die Roll investigating

After everyone else wanders on without any interest in the other crawl tunnel, Garold decides he should probably do the same. Curiosity killed the cat and all. Wait, he's part canine. Whatever. The cowman looked like he could use some help investigating the altar.

perception check on altar

I was speaking idiomatically.

If the skull had a hand, I would have high fived it. I liked this guy. He was funny.

"If we need to test fire, I personally am very comfortable with using the skull."

I considered for a moment and then added,

"Or that bloke what can light himself on fire. I'll bet he'd be useful now. At the bare minimum he could light these candelabras... o hey, a chair. Result."

And with that I set the skull down on the altar and moved to sit down in the chair.

"I'm gonna keep on using you to poke at things until you give us some kind of clue as to what to do here, Boney M. I imagine you have some sort of an idea, even if it is a bad one. Or we could just sit here and talk. Or I could let you talk with the cow when I get bored. Or the kobold. You know, whichever."

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I'll admit I was slightly disappointed that plonking the ring down on the altar didn't do anything. Leaving it where it lay, I mooched over to the south wall, checking it for any more secret doors, seeing as how this place seemed to be riddled with them.

Check south wall for secret doors, especially the bit with no shadow in front of it due south of Slim although I suspect that's a map glitch rather than a doorway.

FELIPE NO

Following the rest of the Five down the tunnel, I came into a room where someone had been performing some sort of ritual. A tasty one by the smell. Seeing the minotaur pick his new ring off the altar gave me an idea.

Place box on altar.
Arcana check

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

1 Die Roll ARCANA CHECK YOU SAY

Slim tosses one of the dead piranha into the orange fog, only for the fish to be flung right back out immediately. It's not been cooked, but it has undergone a transformation stranger still. While remaining quite dead, the fish has returned through the mists adorned with a tiny battle-axe and a miniature horned helm on its head. In addition, an eensy little loincloth is tied around its midsection.

Garold pops in and gives the altar a close looking-over. Despite the inherent suspicious of the thing, he doesn't spot anything particularly remarkable that the others had missed.

Sam puts the skull on the altar. Still, nothing happens. Nothing unusual results from sitting in the chair, either.

"That won't do anything either", the skull chuckles. "I've been dead for quite some time, so it won't respond to... ah, I've said too much. If you want some bad ideas, though, I'll gladly help with that."

Beefi checks the south wall, carrying his lantern with him. In a the southeast corner, he spots a tiny slot carved into the wall at roughly waist height. It's large enough to insert a large coin, perhaps.

Yeah that other spot's just a glitch

Gra-fa-zut drops his Treeform Box on the altar next to the skull and the ring. Nothing happens.

"What if you put me in the box?", Murray suggests. "That's probably the solution. It definitely won't result in you being murdered by a skull-faced tree demon."

Thoroughly suspicious, Gra-fa-zut examines the altar for any sign of arcane dickery. Indeed, the thing is riddled with the characteristic runes of a lightning trap. And then, on top of those, the runes for a fireball trap. Someone was very enthusiastic.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Slim feels a sudden kinship with the tiny fishbarian. No longer having the heart to eat the only thing to do is lay it to rest proper. Scooping up the fish Slim goes to the altar and uses his long stick to gently scoot both the valuable items and the skull off of it and moves them a safe distance away.

You all may want to move away from the table now.

After giving everyone a minute to clear away if they so choose he lays the battle axe across the fishes belly and gently folds both fins over it in a restful pose. Having made sure that it may rest in as dignified a way as possible he throws it onto the altar from a good 15 feet away.

May aquatic Valhalla treat you well tiny delicious warrior.

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The genasi had apparently found something more suspicious about the altar than Garold had, and Slim seemed to be preparing his own examination. Considering the kobold's approach to problem solving usually involved shrapnel, Garold decided it might be a good time to duck and cover behind the nearest pew.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

The Five dive for cover as Slim flings the Tiny Fishbarian toward the altar. It lands on the enchanted relic with a meaty splat, and there is a long breathless silence as the Five await the tremendous blast that must surely be nigh.

But nothing happens.

"The fish is dead already. Dead things don't work. We went over this." Murray sounds particularly exasperated, but this may only be because he's upside-down on the floor after Slim hit him with a stick.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Bearing in mind the riddle written on the floor in the first room and given that the altar appeared to be a moderately unsubtle trap, I retrieved the magic ring and posted it into the slot I had found in the wall.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Seeing that, apparently, placing objects on the altar was a bust, I retrieved my treeform box, making sure to keep my skin from touching the altar itself. I was half tempted to wad up some parchment and toss it at the altar while shouting "lightning bolt!" but that would be stupid. I decided to stick my head into the orange arch, because I was feeling reckless.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Beefi slides the extremely valuable ring into the slot. It rolls down the slot into darkness, falling quite far before landing on the other side of the wall with a faint clatter. Somewhere in the distance, a chime rings out.

Just then, a massive slab of grey stone smashes through the ceiling, pulverizing that section of the wall completely. For a scant moment, Beefi sees an impossibly deep pit before him — but the slab of rock slams down into it, a gigantic peg designed to fit a preposterously huge hole. There is a terrible roar as the slab hurtles into its appointed place, slamming into position with an earthshaking thud that shakes at least, the room — and most likely the entire tomb. It's a good thing they'd already taken the paintings down.

A few minutes later, after the massive clouds of dust and debris have settled, the way forward lies open. With the pit filled, the ring passage looks to open onto a narrow corridor leading west — and the ring itself, alas, is almost certainly smashed beneath several hundred tons of solid rock.

Gra-fa-zut pokes his head into the orange mists, but nothing remarkable results; he feels a mild desire to strangle his companions, but this is not in itself unusual. He does get a look at the room on the other side of the arch; it's just a 10 by 10 by 10 foot empty cube, devoid of any furnishings or decoration of any kind. Absolutely bare. How odd.

"Throw me in there, man!" shouts Murray. "What's the worst that could happen?"

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These hidden passageways were getting more and more dramatic. Perhaps this place was designed by a couple of architects determined to one up each other.

Garold decided to scout ahead in the new passage, as he didn't particularly want to hang out near the altar any longer. He had a feeling that Slim wouldn't leave it alone until he got the desired explosive effect out of it.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

I jabbed my fingers into Murray's eye sockets and my thumb in his nose hole and lined up, all twinkle toes and shuffled feet.

"Fuck it, Dude. Let's go bowling."

At the last second I pulled up and firmly attached him back on my belt, patting him on the head before springing up and over into the new room with a smile on my face and a tune in my heart. I put my hat on Murray and offered some sage advice.

"I'm only pulling your leg, kid. We're the best of friends, how could I ever part with you?"

I coughed as I glanced somewhat cautiously into the new room.

"Besides, I need a new place to grow a plant when I get home, and you're it."

Jam it back in, in the dark.