D&D Arena: Brutal Bastards, Beegraks and von Brandt

The dragonborn peers into the barrel and hesitates for a moment. It's been a while since he's feasted and if this goo can fill his belly then so be it. After sticking his hand into the barrel, he proceeds to take it out and take a generous lick of the goo. He pauses for a moment to determine whether or not he can bear the taste of it, and also whether or not he has gone deaf, dumb(er), blind, or stone dead since ingesting it.

Take a lick of that goo
Observe (enjoy?) the effects



What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

PICK UP BARREL

POUR CONTENTS ON HEAD

(POSSIBLY BE DISSOLVED)

FELIPE NO

Beegraks dips his hand into the goo - it feels thick and oily. Bringing a sample to his lips, he is assaulted with a moderately-strong stench of rotting vegetation. He gingerly takes a lick - it's bitter, and is definitely inedible. The aftertaste is horrible, though beyond that, the smothering bandit feels fine.

Cyrus tries to pick up the barrel - alas, it is heavier than he can manage. Undeterred, he leaps into the barrel and bathes himself thoroughly in the goo. He emerges from his bath sticky and reeking of rotten trees. Much to the suicidal half-elf's chagrin, he's still undissolved.

Bathing in crude oil:

1. -2 penalty to speed
2. -2 penalty to Reflex
3. -10 penalty to athletics, acrobatics, dexterity, and stealth checks
4. +10 vulnerability to fire and lightning
5. +2 bonus to AC
6. +10 resistance to cold

Save ends all effects (roll a 19 or 20)

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

As he observes the magic man's behaviour, Beegraks stands befuddled once again. Does the magic man eat through his skin? Smothas briefly considers devouring Cyrus, since he is now coated in what would have been his dinner. The magic man has proven his usefulness on more than one occasion however, and the dragonborn decides to curb his urges and instead nourish himself on the oil that remains in the barrel after his partner has taken his share.

Gobble up as much of the oil as possible

Now that his hunger has somewhat subsided, he heads southwards, towards the previously revealed levers. Once again, being the born lever-puller that he is, he proceeds to flick the switch, watching for any hint of danger to his dragonly person.

Move to AA1
Pull that lever!



Jam it back in, in the dark.

Move to AA9, pull other lever simultaneously
Fumble with it
Get a grip on that greasy lever
Ugh, jeez
Tug on it

There's nowhere I can't reach.

4 Dice Rolls Attack vs Beegraks Fort

Blissfully ignoring his sense of smell and taste, the dragonborn consumes a bucketful of eau de rotten vegetation. The results are nauseating and predictable.

Beegraks contracts Blinding Sickness. He loses one healing surge that cannot be regained until cured.

Endurance Check after every extended rest to cure. Improve: 19, Maintain: 14, Worsen: 13 and lower
Straining hard to hide his nausea, Beegraks signals to Von Brandt his intention. What happens if these so-delicious switches are pulled simultaneously? Well, no time like the present to find out!

There's a loud creak, followed by a rumbling sound immediately echoes from the passage where they came from. It's coming from one of the branches of the main passage, from their right side. The sound eventually dies down. Was that it? How anticlimactic!

While there was no immediate danger to Beegraks, Cyrus is not as fortunate. While distracted with switch-flipping, what he thought was a couple of chests to his right hand side suddenly dissolved into a quivering mass of goo! And worse, they're attacking!

Surprise Round: 2 Object Mimics, ROUND 1: Object Mimics [28], Beegraks [23], Von Brandt [17]

DEFENSES: Object Mimic: AC 23, Fort 21, Reflex 19, Will 21

We have a guest DM for this battle. Skills will be controlling the object mimics. I will vet, keep track, and update the map as normal after his turn.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

3 Dice Rolls *and the pain

Hi folks, Zerg asked me to run your friendly neighbourhood mimics today. Sup

Goop has a boring life, sometimes. Just sittin there. A lot. Not a whole fuckload to do down here 'cept look like a god damn box and wait for poor adventuring assho....HOLY SHIT WHAT'S THAT.

Box A is not quiet about his excitement when the lever is pulled. "WATCH OUT MOTHERFUCKERS IMMA GONNA GET YOU. BOXY BROWN TAKES NO PRISONERS."

Box the B is not as enthused. He was much more logical about all this. Also, he spoke with a french accent "Sirs, I am Chesty LaRue. Engarde~"

------------

Boxy Brown (the one on the left) Crushing Tendrils vs Cyrus.
Crit lmao.
24 damage.
Cyrus Grabbed. Takes -5 penalty to grab escape attempts.

Chesty LaRue (the one on the right) moves to AA8.
Surprise round and ooze form means can get there without drawing an AoO.

End surprise round

-----------

Boxy's got gross goop fingers. Pushing, probing, feeling where they shouldn't. Cyrus is freaked out when one slides past his corn hole. What the fuck is going on.

Boxy Brown Sustain Standard, Crushing Tendrils.
15 more damage for some reason, holy christ. Grab sustained, same penalty applies. Acid typing if that means anything to you.

Chesty LaRue Slam vs Cyrus.
Hit.
12 damage.
Cyrus kinda sad now I guess?

But the French are tricky, don't you know. Oh yes.

Chesty LaRue Shapeshift back into chesty form.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Assuming Cyrus has already spent a surge after the skeleton traps. Just this once.

Crushing Tendrils: Melee 3, 13 vs AC, 1d8 + 4 + 2d6 acid damage (24). Grabbed; -5 penalty to escape attempts.
Sustain Crushing Tendrils: 15 acid damage. Cyrus bloodied.
Slam: 11 vs AC, 2d8+7 damage.

Total damage sustained: 51.

Beegraks, Von Brandt, ROUND 2: Object Mimics

Cyrus von Brandt: 3/59 (6/7 surges) - Stone Hide
Smothas Beegraks: 78/78 (11/13 surges) - +1 tokens x2

I was speaking idiomatically.

2 Dice Rolls *How high?

As he starts reeling from the sickening ooze he's just ingested, Smothas starts imagining that a couple of oozy boxes have started attacking the magic man. As he pinches himself to confirm that this cannot be, he realizes that maybe it can. And it most probably is, as Von Brandt has just let out a scream of agony that can't possibly have taken place in his imagination. In any case if it has, he might as well play along and try to help his buddy out.

To help preserve his partner's good health, the dragonborn decides to petition Zehir for his aid before proceeding to charge his flail into the box that is stopping him from reaching his partner. No box, eccentric as it may be, will keep him from his only friend in the world for very long.

Shield the Villainous on Von B
Divine Mettle to help Von B get out of a "sticky" oh ho ho situation
ACTION POINT!
Charging Ardent strike to Chesty LaRue
14 damage to Chesty




What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

5 Dice Rolls save vs bein' oily sad face

Cyrus releases a most powerful and toxic wind from the core of his being. How odd; he had not intended to cast a spell at this juncture. Perhaps he had swallowed some of that delicious-looking oil as well. The box to his west turns a distinct greenish color.

Whirlwind centered on self.
10 damage to Chesty (after resistance); Chesty... knocked prone?

Try as he might, Cyrus cannot pull free of the mimic's tendrils — despite being covered in oil. Things were looking grim. His best hope was to try for the ol' switcheroo...

Action Point, Second Wind. Since I used an Area attack at melee range, I should have provoked AoOs. If I SURVIVE those, and one of them misses, use the baffling cape power to switch places with the one that missed.



FELIPE NO

2 Dice Rolls boop boop I'm a goop

Chesty's AoO actually doesn't happen, ignore that. Sorry Pang but it doesn't occur at all, rather than just misses.

Boxy continues his dirty molestation. How unfortunate! Sticky grossness where the sun don't shine.

Sustain Standard, 15 damage to Cyrus.

Chesty is not far behind.

Back to goop, ...stand...up? Slam vs Cyrus. Very miss!

The man who just vamoosed confuses BOXY BROWN OF INTERNET TOWN though, so lickety split he's BACK TO BOX MODE

Boxy is a floor tile now, and at AC9 because I didn't move him and Zerg made a tiny booboo

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

As Skills said, i made a mistake. Mimic A remains at AC9. As such there can be no opportunity attack of any kind - Slam is melee 1, while Mimic B can't attack while in object form.

Our protagonists are quick to recover from the ambush. Smothas Beegraks immediately beseeches Zehir's assistance, raining down a necrotic spell on any who dare molest his buddy. For his part, Cyrus takes a calculated risk, and successfully teleports away from the ooze-like creature grabbing him. His exertions have caused some of the thick-as-molasses oil to thin out.

DC to shake off being covered in oil reduced by 2. A saving throw roll of 17+ will end it.

SEQUENCE OF EVENTS:
Ardent Strike: 4 damage to B.
Whirlwind: 10 damage to B.
Sustain Crushing Tendrils: 15 acid damage to Cyrus.
Slam vs Cyrus misses, but B takes 6 necrotic damage due to Shield the Villainous.
Cyrus swaps places with B via teleportation, breaking A's grab.

Beegraks, Von Brandt, ROUND 3: Object Mimics

Cyrus von Brandt: 2/59 (5/7 surges) - Stone Hide, +1 Token x1
Smothas Beegraks: 78/78 (11/13 surges) - +1 Tokens x3

Jam it back in, in the dark.

1 Die Roll Gabble-de-gook?

Now here's a predicament. What with the somewhat obscured lighting in this part of the hall, it's kind of hard to tell which blob is the magic man and which is the one trying to swallow him. That oil covering Von Brandt does indeed give him a similar texture to their foes. Only one way to find out where the line between the two blobs is drawn.

Let's feel it out!

Lecherous hands on Von Brandt

Now somewhat certain where his friend is in all this goo, Beegraks proceeds to take out one of his trusty hammers and chucks it just over where the mass that is purportedly Von B. ends.

get out one of them thar hammers
Chuck into da goo using Giant's Throw

As his hammer is absorbed into the goo that is Chesty LaRue and eventually settles, he ponders the effectiveness and thoughtfulness of such an attack long and hard.



There's nowhere I can't reach.

5 Dice Rolls *crit bonus v chesty

Much as he had always wondered what it would be like to have a chest of treasure return his loving embrace, Cyrus was beginning to find the experience tiresome. Rifling through his cloak for anything that might disentangle him from this silly situation, his hand falls upon a small orb that he'd forgotten he had. Smiling, von Brandt produces it with a flourish.

'twas a holdover from his erstwhile days in the dangerous field of arcane machinery. In practice little more than a black iron sphere filled with gunpowder, Cyrus had imbued it with little mechanical legs and an extremely primitive intellect. He called it Bob. With a sad smile, Cyrus winds the little key on Bob's back and sets him on the floor. Bob waddles away toward his target, happy to serve.



Cyrus takes a step back. Or six steps.

The resulting blast is more effective than he could have ever anticipated. A single tear rolls down his cheek as he watches his old project erupt in flames.

Lightning Shift to AA3
Thunder Bob-Omb to AB10
Missed Boxy. Good Timing? Man this is a risk.
Crit vs Chesty. 36 damage, and Chesty loses any resistances (save ends).
Hit vs Boxy. 21 damage.



How ya doing, buddy?

5 Dice Rolls Recharge Maw

Chesty is all too enamoured with his little black ball friend. Shame about that temper of his though.

"Sacrebleu~. Mon ami, how dare you slap me~. OH HO HO"

Squeeze (Horray goop form, no AoO~) Chesty into AA-5

Crushing Tendrils on Pang. Miss. Shitcock!

Shaking off Bob's whackiness proved effective, but otherwise he's still a touch too knackered to molest Cyrus again.

Not so much from the other corner, though.

"BOXY BROWN IS TIRED OF HIDING. MAKE WAY MOTHERFUCKERS. YEEHAW TOBY KEITH."

Boxy back to hoop hoop being a goop.

Boxy goop squeeze to AA-6.

Ravening Maw on Cyrus! Hit!
19 damage. Slowed. (Save Ends)

Fail that recharge. LIKE A BOSS

Suddenly, the Frenchmanblob gets an idea. he's not going to sit about being useless. TRANSFORMMMMMMM

Transmogrify Chesty into a.... WALL. Shit yeah it's seperatin you two dudes time.

(Zerg did you count the successful grab and feel on Cyrus from the last attack round)

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

5 Dice Rolls *Damage the Boxy

All this goop oozing around is starting to make Beegraks' head spin. As he tries to regain his composure, he notices that suddenly he has completely lost sight of the magic man. Not only that, but the path he came from seems to have vanished into thin air, or rather, into a wall.

As he is about to start wallowing in despair, he suddenly remembers something that he overheard a traveling merchant saying to a gathered crowd whilst he was hiding in some nearby bushes:

"Friends, life in these dungeon-y times can be trying on even the best of us. Do you ever feel like you've lost your way? Does your age make it seem like there are walls where there were no walls before? Despair no more friends, for the solution is clear. These new acid flasks have a more powerful wall disintegrating formula which will make even the most obstructed paths clear for passage as they were on the day they were first plowed. Yes friends, these new acid...."

Having gleened the necessary information from his recollection, the pin-brained reptilian springs into action. Not necessarily too keen on the difference between acid and poison, the dragonborn wastes no time in spewing his putrid stench on the wall and consequently the blob in front of it.

Dragonbreath towards them thar goops
Resurgent smite on Boxy
19 damage to Boxy

Seeing no change whatsoever in the wall, Beegraks concludes that either the merchant was lying or there something that doesn't quite make it in his breath. Hence, it's gotta be that lying merchant. This doesn't stop him from laying his flail into the ooze that sits next to the wall. His trusty flail seems much more reliable in the domain of goop splattering than the wimpy hammer he'd previously tried (and some would say succeeded a little too well) to lay into the goop pile.



Most amazing jew boots

7 Dice Rolls Cyrus Savevs Death

(deprecated)

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

1 Die Roll big money, no whammies

SHIT

SORRY BUDDY MIGHT AS WELL GO OUT FIGHTING

Shift to AA5, Miss with Slam vs Cyrus, Transform back into wall shape.

FELIPE NO

1 Die Roll stab stab stab!

For a strange moment, Cyrus feels consciousness leaving him as the paladin's foul halitosis clogs his lungs. But 'twas not so. If he had to die from a poisonous blow job, he'd do it in the luxurious murder-bordellos of Thay, like his grandfather and his great-grandfather before him.

There were probably wiser things to do in this situation, but the nauseating stench of Beegraks' half-digested last meal still clogged his nostrils and made him dizzy. This was no time for the complex machinations of a magus. No time for cunning works of dazzling spellcraft.

This was stabbin' time.

...Cyrus immediately regrets his decision to initiate Stabbin' Time. Perhaps it was not yet stabbin' time after all. It might be that it's only Fail O'Clock, or even half past stupid. It's hard to keep track of the time, down here in the tunnels.

Strut over to AA5
Stab that mimic (w/ Ensorcelled Blade)
Fail at it
Glare at Beegraks, like, super hard. Like, pretending I have laser eyes that's how hard I am glaring.



How ya doing, buddy?

LET US PRETEND POST#142 AND 143 DO NOT EXIST!

Sequence of Events:

Cyrus' Thunder Bomb: 36 damage to Chesty, bloodied; 11 damage to Boxy.
Beegrak's Opportunity Attack: 12 damage to Chesty
Chesty's Crushing Tendril misses, but Chesty takes 6 necrotic damage and dies.
Boxy's Ravening Maw deals 19 damage and slows misses Cyrus; Boxy takes 6 necrotic damage.
Dragon Breath hits Cyrus for 8 poison damage; Cyrus sanctioned and unconscious.
Resurgent Smite: 19 damage to Boxy, bloodied. Cyrus regains 14 HP.

The day's exertions have finally taken their toll. Chesty LaRue takes one flail whack, one bob-omb too many, that his molecular integrity finally fails

~Zut alors! I 'ave been undone! Avenge me, mon camarade!~~~~~

Which Boxy Brown was only happy to heed. Working together with Smothas Beegraks (who was evidently moved), the pair sent the half-elf peacefully into slumberland. At least, that's what they would have done had Tiamat not smile on the sorceror and granted him purchase from Boxy's big jaws.

Horrified by his careless emotions made him do, the dragonborn sends his flail flying into the object mimic. It impacts with a satisfying SPLOTCH, sending bits of Boxy flying in every direction. Despite his current anger towards his careless friend, Cyrus can't help but feel a stirring in his loins at his partner's valor. It distracts him so much that his dagger jab at the box was made only half-heartedly.

Object Mimic, Beegraks, Von Brandt (oily), ROUND 5: Object Mimic

Cyrus von Brandt: 29/59 (4/7 surges) - +1 Token x1
Smothas Beegraks: 78(5)/78 (11/13 surges) - +1 Tokens x5

Jam it back in, in the dark.

3 Dice Rolls Recharge

BOXY MAD. ARGLEDEBARGLE SHIT BE GETTIN ALL REAL AND NOW IT AIN'T.

He resigns to his fate. Wasn't it true the black man always died in these situations? Perhaps he can get one more chomp in before calling it quits.

Bite vs Cyrus. Hit this time, at least
11 damage.

Having no better ideas, Boxy transforms into a sexy Venus de Milo statue.

Poof! Shimmy shimmy and shake shake. BAM.

DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Divine Sanction! 6 necrotic damage to Von Brandt (he attacked something other than Beegraks )

Beegraks, Von Brandt (oily), ROUND 5: Object Mimic

Cyrus von Brandt: 12/59 (4/7 surges) - +1 Token x1
Smothas Beegraks: 78(5)/78 (11/13 surges) - +1 Tokens x5

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

1 Die Roll My valor is better than yours

This blob isn't fooling anybody any longer. Beegraks, finally catches on that the objects that are suddenly materializing in front of him are really just the blobs trying to trick him. Well, no more.

Valorous smite on Boxy swing and a miss
Divine Challenge on Boxy

Still, the blob's chosen form this time is enough to distract the smotherer-bandit enough that his flail goes way wide of its mark.



I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

3 Dice Rolls *SAAAAAAAND

Cyrus prepares to finish the battle with a breathtaking whirlwind of sandy sand sand sand. Sand.

BUT HE REALIZES: The sand will also hurt Beegraks, his boon companion, who had never done a thing to hurt —

Oh wait, right. Fuck that guy.

Boxy ESCAPES SAND VENGEANCE
Beegraks takes 23 SAND DAMAGE (totes by accidents man serious)
Loooooool



I was speaking idiomatically.

3 Dice Rolls Recharge again?

Is that scaly man TAUNTING Boxy Brown? Why it looks like it. BOXY BROWN TAKES OFFENSE TO SUCH THINGS.

BROTHER WHY YOU GOTTA BE LIKE THAT

Wonderbox powers activate. Form of...GOOP.

Ravenous Maw vs Eddie Lizard over there.
Hit I think, don't know his defenses. If hit, 18 damage, slowed.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?