[DnD] Secret Cow Level (GFF D&D Adventure 6)

Trying to avoid the thought of steel erections and their respective licensing codes for now, Gheth cocks his head and looks closer at the smallish young lady in front of them.

"You know, little girl, it really can't be good for you to have your brain on the outside of your body like that."
A note of concern enters his voice. "Can it?"

He quickly shuffles through Dynasarus' Tome of Humanoid Anatomy, coming to an oft-earmarked page displaying a musculoskeletal system.

"No," he says, putting a finger on the page with authority. "Clearly not. But I'll take it right off for you if you wish. Gheth McGarnigal, M.D., at your service."

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

"I say we call him Scampy." Glock mused.

"Anywho, I figure you all look like you're on the job. Normally I'm not this willing to team up with people who keep children as pets, but I'll be frank. We need the work. My compatriot here...sort of got us fired from our last one. I told him many times that was the patient's liver, not their heart. Motherfucker didn't realize he had the book upside down"

"We've spent a few days just chillin down here, hoping to hide from the bastard's wife. Drowning our newfound unemployment in this shitty beer. Can you believe all they serve down here is Coors? God damn."

"Long story short, I need to holla holla to get some dolla dolla. You down?"

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Get the Flash Player to play this audio file:

I was speaking idiomatically.

BEEEEELLLCCHHH!!!

"Ah, my apologies. Sometimes I lose control of my other facets and then they display themselves."

Gordok squinches his features a bit and the bulbous brainy part diminishes revealing an otherwise normal halfling face.

"Ah, so then let's see. I would be.. yes yes. I am Gordok of Zark. After my mother. A wonderful brute she was. Used to make rat stew for me as a special treat. Anyway Gordok or Gordy or Gord is good by me. Really, anything is good. Call me what you like."

The halfling takes a nice swig from Glock's reward.

"Yeah, so nice to meet ya, Glock! Oh that reminds me! We met some giant metal men on top of a wonderful cliff by a lighthouse a few weeks back. Got one of them to throw me must have three stories high and how knows long into his metal box of a ship, right. Perfect aim! A bit dizzy afterward but goodness what a thrill!"

Gordok admires this metal man as well and decides to share a common interest.

"So yeah, I too play a lute meself. Not nearly anywhere as good as your performing but I can do a little ditty or two for my amusement. Got a little thing going on in my head related to this two group's deserters. They were an interesting pair. Now it's not quite there yet I realize but I think it might get me a few coppers on a lucky day."

Gordok pulls out his lute and plays a few opening strings then starts strumming somber notes.

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Well I heard about some strangers
What met down in a wet ol' cave
One was tall, thin, and handsome
The other dumpy but surely brave
They set off on adventure
To escape an early grave
But were set upon by fiends and foes
For days and days and days

Now you must come to understand that love's a strange old thing
Under candle light and evening stars their hearts did sing and sing

Through battle of the mighty
They danced with staff and blade
Igniting those with passion
In their unrelenting raid
They commanded all their fury
To those they chose to aid
But oh the dwarf in all his course
Never did get laid

Their flirting was outrageous and not a thing to miss
You'd think they would get on with it yet no not one sweet kiss

Herald this strange odd couple
Of fair elf and suitor by his side
Heaven decreed that it would not be
So I say although I wish I lied
In happiness and health of both
A dwarf and his elven bride
But no
I fear they both have died

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Gordok blows some foam from his face and sets down his mug.

"I like fermented yak piss!"

FELIPE NO

2 Dice Rolls second roll re: minerals

"Sounds good to me. Let's rock and roll, my new homie."

"Let's get the hell outta here, though. Even I'm beginning to become annoyed by the unique...musk in the air. I'm sure the avid reader here will follow suit once he's done his chapter on the basic anatomy of mollusks."

"But there's something I need to look for right quick. Come find me outside when you're leaving."

Grabbing the three empty mugs on the table, and noticing a distinct lack of napkins, Glock looked around for an implement to dry the mugs out with.

Spying a rat Gordok hasn't eaten yet, Glock picks up the rodent and uses it to mop up the beer piss at the bottom of the mugs.

"Ok. Dry. Not necessarily sanitary, but it'll do.", he thought to himself.

Obtain three empty and dry beer steins.
Obtain and subsequently discard one beer soaked rat.
Place soggy critter in front of Gheth.

Getting up, and heading out the door, Glock looks back and says. "You, short round. You smell like you know the most about...feces. I'm gonna need your expertise. Come help me out here for a minute."

Get out of the bar.
Throw down a couple of GP to cover the bar costs of the mugs.

While outside, Glock looks around for any place in the cave where bats may have hung, and subsequently shit all over the ground.

Nature Check

CHOOSE YOUR OWN PANG

If nature check passes "find bat shit" challenge, go to area and begin search for mineral saltpetre, which might require either an additional perception check or another nature check. I'm unsure. Second roll is for this. If successful, harvest enough of the mineral to fill all three beer jugs.

Acer's assistance below is in dealing with initial nature check.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

1 Die Roll Nature Check

Gordok nods firmly, grabs the beer-soaked rat off the table, stuffs it in his pants for snacking, and makes his way out the door behind Glock to assist in finding wonderful fragrant guano.

Nature Check

Jam it back in, in the dark.

For completely unclear reasons which probably have nothing to do with engineering gunpowder, SteelChest meanders around the Hall of search of great quantities of bat shit.

13 + 4 + Aid Another = 19; good enough

With the halfling's aid, he easily recovers enough guano to fill all the steins.

Reasonably advanced chemistry will fall under Arcana, since any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from etc

16 + 11: extremely good enough

Glock spends the next few hours purifying the guano, extracting from it a relatively small quantity of small white crystals. What possible use he intends for these crystals cannot be imagined.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

1 Die Roll Perceptin' thangs

Gheth spends a couple of hours in the bar, his only company the rats that have gathered to catch crumbs as he dines on a steaming pie that has entirely too many moving parts to have been cooked properly. A particularly furry centipede hangs from the corner of his mouth as he takes in his surroundings, and then the rats.

"Well, the important thing is that I'm meeting new people."

The rats seem to remember that they have prior obligations.

"Ohhhh..."


_____

Later, Gheth finds his way into the street, trusting that he stands out enough that his new friends will be able to find him wherever he goes. Taking out the copy of the map that Brugg not-so-kindly gave him, he heads for the Minotaur statue towering in the center of the cavern, and looks it over for any distinguishing marks or clues as to what they may encounter below.



Jinkies! Perception check!



Directly following his wussy display of usin' eyeballs, Gheth grabs his party together and prods them towards the underdark, while alternately pulling some chewin tabaccy from his pack, and holding his crotch.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Snapping his pimpin' scanner goggles to his face, wiping the poo residue on his tools onto the nearest thing that wasn't actually his (in this case, the clothes of an oblivious passerby), and hoisting the child onto his back, Glock went forward to join the rest of the group.

Wonderful science will have to wait!

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

5 Dice Rolls so they do!

Gheth examines the massive bronze minotaur most thoroughly, but there's not much to learn. The statue's arms are spread wide in an exultant pose, but looking around the Hall it's hard to imagine what he could possibly be so excited about. A circle of faintly glowing runes surrounds the statue, but Gheth's knowledge of the arcane isn't significant enough for him to even try to interpret this. Maybe some of the more permanent residents would know something, but it didn't seem terribly important.

The dragonborn patiently rustles up his new allies and makes for the Deep Stair. If it was mysteries and adventure they were after, it only made sense to head for the deepest, most dangerous parts of Thunderspire right off the bat. That's just basic efficiency.

Without any specific destination in mind, of course, it was kind of a toss-up where they'd arrive.

After two hours of wandering aimlessly about the ruined corridors beneath the Hall, the party finally stumbles upon something worth noticing. A tiefling in luxuriant robes sits by himself in a massive chamber with a vaulted ceiling, rifling through his pack aside a mostly-dead campfire. The tiefling looks up as the party approaches, smiling pleasantly.

"Hail, fellows! Are you as lost as I am?"

I was speaking idiomatically.

"Well, we've only just begun searching the area, really, but perhaps you could tell us if you've come across any minotaur ruins while you've been down here."

"Erm...why are you down here again? According to my friends here, there are only supposed to be a few wizards confined to the upper levels."

Insight check

How ya doing, buddy?

The fire's almost out, so Glock goes to the side of it and picks out 4 ounces worth of the coldest charcoaled embers.

Because his plan is very...sneaky. And not obvious AT ALL.

FELIPE NO

1 Die Roll insight?

"Oh, you think that— oh no, I'm not part of the weird little autocracy the Wizards of Saruun are running upstairs. I'm just here on my own personal business, just as you are, or so I expect.

I'm looking for the minotaur ruins myself, although my goals are a little more specific than yours appear to be. There's a monastery down here somewhere — I've heard it called the Well Of Demons. Your average minotaur, being a fairly bestial sort, tends to demon worship; Baphomet in particular is quite popular as I understand it.

Long story short, there's a band of gnolls causing significant distress to certain villages in the general vicinity, and this Well Of Demons is really the best lead I have in hunting them down and... well."

The tiefling stands up, hefts his pack onto his shoulders, and grinds the few remaining embers of the campfire under his boot, snuffing them out.

"How about this: I tell you what I do know, and then if you happen to stumble upon the Well do me the kindness of pointing me in the right direction should we meet again. I doubt you'll have more luck than I have, but another five pairs of eyes can only improve my chances.

If you're just looking for trouble, I can help you with that. About a third of a mile east of... well, no, it was east of the Hall, anyway. I'm not sure where I am right now. But if you can get back to the Hall, there's an old prospector's path; fairly cramped but at least straightforward. Just leave through the Dragon Door and keep to the left; the route is fairly well marked. More than you can say for most of the mess down here.

There's a shrine to Torog down that way, swarming with goblinoids big and small. Run a tidy slaving operation, so I've heard. I don't think they so much as noticed me passing by, but the lot of you don't precisely seem inclined to stealth.

At any rate, look me up at the Halfmoon if you find yourself back in the Hall with any news. We'll compare notes."

Gheth carefully considers the tiefling's words and mannerisms as he speaks: while the mage doesn't seem to be actually lying, there's a definite sense that there's more going on than he's telling.

The tiefling looks about doubtfully and seems to select a corridor at random. Striding into the maze, he quickly vanishes from sight.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

1 Die Roll dungeon? dungeon!

Realizing (somewhat belatedly) that minotaurs favor mazes, Gheth's next instinct is to remove the chalk from his pack and mark the wall of the cavern they are in with a visible X.

Gheth attempts to backtrack the caverns the party has used in order to get them back to the main hall.

Dungeoneering check
in retrospect perhaps I should have chosen dungeoneering as my bonus
overcome with irony that rushing in has led to so many skill checks it will make your head spin

Jam it back in, in the dark.

2 Dice Rolls Perception Check

The giant lizard seems confused. Gordok decides to help out.

Dungeoneering Check
Perception Check

There's nowhere I can't reach.

2 Dice Rolls Brimstone?

Stupid organics. Squishy brains and all. Often forgetful. Can't remember SHIT. Also easy to crush under one's boot. This is why you bring mutant atomic robot supermen around though.

Dungeoneering Check, and it's better than theirs, since they are stupid and smelly
20 > 14, horray!

After a few clicks, whirrs, and pops, Glock opens his mouth.

The high pitched sounds of a ribbon printer echo throughout the cave.

Shortly thereafter, a list of directions on how to get the fuck back to town should they need to is torn from his mouth.

"COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE"

During this entire cave maze movement, keep an eye out for brimstone.

Nature check
God damn it, this is where I roll a 20? Ffffffffff

If Pang lets me find any, take two pounds of it.

PS.

Take and equip Garr's Skald's Armour he's carrying but not wearing.
Toss regular shitball chainmail on the floor.

Garr said I could~

Most amazing jew boots

10 Dice Rolls hivelord initiative

Although he really has no more idea where they are than anyone else how to find their way back to the Hall, Glock makes some extremely lucky guesses and nearly has them back to the settlement in only an hour or so. Along the way he keeps a careful eye out for any naturally-occurring sulfur, but as Thunderspire is not remotely volcanic he has no luck. Had there been any around, he surely would have found it. Alas.

As he retraces his steps, Glock tosses his mundane generic-brand chainmail in a corner and abandons it. Sure, you could get a few bucks for that crap on a trade-in, but why drag it around all day just for that? Let some lucky kobold have it; it'll feed his family for a month.

Glock reckons the party is only a few minute from the Hall when he makes an unfortunate wrong turn, tromping up a flight of stairs that looked precisely the same as a stairway he'd trudged down earlier.

When Glock finds himself in what looks like the ruins of an old church rather than outside the Halfmoon Inn, he promptly turns out his heel — but it's a bit too late.

Horrid leathery things covered in chitin, like the blasphemous spawn of a drake and a massive spider, crawl chittering from the nooks and crannies in the rubble. Almost instantaneously, the route back to the stairs is cut off by a swarm of smaller beasts — likely whatever passes for a juvenile form among whatever these awful things are.

And then there's the bad news.

What looked like a large rock uncurls into a truly massive specimen: easily 8 feet tall, with legs like great sawblades. It charges the party, and the rest of its brood quickly follow suit.

Initiative: Delic, Kruthik Hatchlings, Garrmondo, Gordok, Gheth, Kruthik Adults, Glock, Kruthik Hive Lord

Defenses:
Hatchlings AC 15; Fortitude 13, Reflex 15, Will 12
Adults AC 17; Fortitude 14, Reflex 15, Will 13
Hive Lord AC 22; Fortitude 21, Reflex 20, Will 17

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Delic, who's been unable to do anything for the last several hours due to a sneezing fit from an allergic reaction to Thumbleweed, finally gets his wits about him.

"Uh, how did we get here and ... why are we surrounded?"

Pulling the sword from its sheath, he realizes that he probably shouldn't unzip his pants in front of other people and so tucks his you-know-what back in his pants and pulls out the Bastard Sword at his side.

"Okay guys, suggestions? We're usually smarter than this. And as D'vgol of Kraal use to say to Thhuhuhusafnaksn of Ualar 'Scream if you're afraid because theres no shame in that unless you find yourself having sex with a woman who weighs more than 180 pounds.'"

Move to U34

I was speaking idiomatically.

Though he has no time to maneuver (yet), Gheth looks slowly at his spear, and then at his shield. In the distance, it almost seemed as if voices could be heard. He quickly yells out:

"Crikey! The room to the right! We can let them come at us two at a time!"

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

3 Dice Rolls claw C vs Garrmondo

The hatchlings swarm forward, and as so often seems to be the case Garrmondo must take the brunt of their puny, ineffectual attacks.

He feels a slight pressure as the tiny lizards scratch ineffectual at his knees. Oh, it is to laugh.

Garrmondo, Gordok, Gheth, Kruthik Adults, Glock, Kruthik Hive Lord, Delic, Kruthik Hatchlings

Minions: useless or SO useless

How ya doing, buddy?

1 Die Roll Hit Kruthik Hive Lord

Gordok was familiar how hordes work. He'd seen how to take them apart many times. If done correctly it had even garnered him a few pets in the past. Yeah, time to do this thing. Bring down the big guy.

Tyranny of Flame

Kruthik Hive Lord hit like the fist of the fucking north star. Critical Hit! Takes 22 fire damage and knocked prone (-2 to saving throw).

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

6 Dice Rolls Daunting light

Never one to shy from a good brawl, and observing that perhaps being the only one to duck into a side room in the middle of a battle would make things...complicated...Gheth decides the bum's rush may be the best tactic in this case. As appealing as he finds this image, he can only think to shout

"Get the hell out of my bar, rummy!"

before he is in the fray.

Move to U31
Dragon's Breath on T29 so as to hit A, B, C, and E
Action Point
Daunting Light on U39 with combat advantage to Gordok

How ya doing, buddy?

8 Dice Rolls adult C spikes vs Gheth

Garrmondo cunningly attempts to circle behind the bugs. But he fails, for he is in a narrow hallway, and does not possess the ability to phase through living matter. Undaunted, he waves his sword around, like, a lot.

Hatchlings A, B, C hella slaughtered

Gordok calls upon the infernal powers which he once picked up in a high-stakes game of hopscotch. Most of the kids only had a few coppers on the line, but when the skeletal old man put a vile rod hewn from human bones in the kitty, nobody really questioned it. Worked out for the best, really.

The Hive Lord is rocked by a fiery explosion and topples over onto its back, where it helplessly thrashes about trying to get back on its feet like a particularly disgusting turtle. It'd be cute if it weren't so murderous.

25 damage to Hive Lord (don't forget your implement's crit bonus), along with the status doodads

Terrified by the dragonborn's angry shouting, the hatchling is so frightened and demoralized that it dies of sadness.

Satisfied, Gheth turns around to see the entertaining spectacle of the Hive Lord desperately scrabbling to right itself. Apparently possessed of much the same sense of humor, Avandra helpfully illuminates the big lizard that it may be more easily observed (and taunted).

Dragon Breath: Hatchling E slain
Daunting Light: well, Gordy gets the +2 anyways

The adult lizards approach cautiously, firing jagged spikes from their backs. Most of the party dodges the spines easily, but Glock feels a sharp sting as a spike lodges in his elbow joint and begins to ooze some kind of venom — badly diluting his crucial joint lubricants.

Toxic Spikes: 5 damage to Glock, 5 ongoing poison damage and slowed (save ends both)
Start of Glock's turn: 5 poison damage

Glock, Kruthik Hive Lord, Delic, Kruthik Hatchling, Garrmondo, Gordok, Gheth, Kruthik Adults

There's nowhere I can't reach.

3 Dice Rolls Save vs warm liquid goo phase.

The servos in his legs were acting up. And at such an inopportune time, too. Glock makes a mental note to get an oil change the next time he sees a mechanic. This sort of lackluster lubrication will not do.

While stiff, he can still move a little, at least.

Move to U33

Kinda pissed off that he's covered in some sort of green acidic goo that's actually eating away at his wonderful shiny skin, Glock looks at the remaining hatchling and yells.

"On her back again? God damn, your mother is a whore. She was like that last night too when I was violating her insect ass with a broom"

Vicious Mockery on Minion D
19 > 12. Boom

Totally fucking told off to the nth degree, the minion explodes violently in a torrent of blood, guts, and appendages.

Trying to shake off the negative effects of insect spit unfortunately proves useless.

Noticing that that dumb bug missed his buddy Garr, Glock activated the frequency generator in his head and pointed it at him. The vibrations caused Garr to move ever so slightly.

"GO GO GADGET 16 INCH SUBWOOFER"

Virtue of Cunning. Slide Garr to S30

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.