[DnD] Welcome to the Dungeon of Doom!

A bolt of energy from the mage struck me and the pain nearly drove me to my knees. To be honest, I was more than a little jealous, having never mastered that particular trick in all my years of training. One of the dwarves mumbled something incomprehensible at me but the look of encouragement in his eyes made me feel strangely better.

Feeling re-invigorated, I circled around the room for a better view of my foe. "Magic missile this, motherfucker" I shouted and blasted the mage with my frost ray.

Move a couple of spaces west, Ray of Frost on wizard

Most amazing jew boots

Ray of Frost (Staff of Expansion) Natural 20 (Critical Hit): 10 damage, mage killed

Engulfed in ice, the wizard crumples.

"I just wish I.."

He coughs, wheezing out his last breaths.

"I wish I had time for one more bowl of chili."

Terrified, surrounded, and full of delicious flavor, the crab decides to go down fighting. With Gabriel pinned against the wall, he seems an easy target — but it's not so. The crab merely scratches up the walls, and the massive arthropod's limbs slump in disappointment.

Fescue at bat.

M:

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Suddenly, the tide had shifted and my would-be mates were dancing and singing and cheering themselves aloof. It almost made me want to sing. Bloody hell, the dwarf was doing the tango with the crab. I just hope he didn't have the urge to "kiss the girl". Things might become akward if that were to happen. At any rate, he was obviously handling himself.

Coming more to my senses, I noticed the guard towards the back door about to escape, so I vaulted across the room towards him, drew my dagger as it was the quickest I could reach any blade, and pointed it towards his throat.

"Aye, mate. If you can't tell, I'm swimming with mermaids here, and I'd like to bloody well END it, if you catch my point.

I have enough move to avoid the crab and be bottom left to the guard.
Store crossbow and equip dagger.
Stab in FACE with Sky Flourish


I was speaking idiomatically.

Sly Flourish (Dagger) 18 + 6 (hit): 4 damage

"What was that even supposed to be? Are you trying to shave me? I've already made my feelings clear about the importance of beard integrity."

Argumentus at bat.

M:

Most amazing jew boots

GET CRAB

Argumentus moves to flank crab

Argumentus performs Reaping Strike on crab

Most amazing jew boots

>terse

>Terse mode on.

>get behind crab

>Done.

>hit crab

>Done. 6 damage.

>verbose

>Verbose mode on.

>look

You are in a square room. You see two dwarves, an elf, a beardy jackass with a halberd, and a lunatic with a knife. A crab is in front of you.

New round. Fescue 24, Crab 23, Gabriel 21, Bob 16, Motsognir 8, Guard 6, Argumentus 4

Fescue at bat.

Most amazing jew boots

Keep backtalking, babyface! Keep giving me a reason!

Stabinfaceagain.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Basic Attack (Dagger) 3 + 5 (miss)

"Oh, this is just embarrassing. Look, if you don't know how to stab somebody, I can provide you with a demonstration."

The crab's internal organs finally stop smoldering. Startled by the fighter sneaking up behind it, it crushes Argumentus in its brutal grip.

Critical hit! 19 damage. Argumentus 3/12 and bloodied.

Gabriel at bat.

M

There's nowhere I can't reach.

The dwarf promptly spun on the crab and drove his hammer out violently towards the thing's underside, looking to split it open, since attacks to its upper carapace had proved more or less worthless to this point. Because he was out of lay on hands. OBVIOUSLY.

Bolstering Strike on Crab

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

One hand, two hands... no more hands!

Bolstering Strike (Warhammer) 9 + 5 (miss)

Gabriel attacks the crab's Strong Point for... no damage. No damage at all.

Bob at bat.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

The dwarf swung another massive swing at the crab and true to form, completely missed. I suppressed a giggle as he spun round with the momentum of his strike, looking wildly around to spot his foe. The rogue was trading stabs with the remaining guard, the big fellow appeared to be wrestling with the crab and the other dwarf was doing very little for a change. The boys seemed to have control of this fight and my interest was waning. I wandered over to the western door to the room, curiosity burning within me as to what wonders might lie behind it.

No, I thought, it would be most churlish of me to leave now and not help the chaps finish off the fight. I turned and blasted the remaining guard with a Ray of Frost, the door opening could wait, for now...

Move to western door, Ray of Frost at guard

I was speaking idiomatically.

Ray of Frost (Staff of Expansion) 12 + 6 (hit): 7 damage, guard bloodied

The icy blast strikes the bearded warrior square in the face. With an angry snarl, he wipes the ice and snow from his features; his ice-encrusted beard comes away with it, pattering onto the floor with a tinkling.

The bare-faced fighter stares at the floor, then at Bob, then at the floor, then at Bob again. Then he stares at Bob for a long, long time.

Motsognir at bat.

M

How ya doing, buddy?

Nearly being decapitated had put Soggy back into a foul mood. At least that sad excuse for a beard had been dealt with. Now to do the same to the guard. Seeing an opportunity to flank the bastard (and put some distance between the Rogue and his pockets), Soggy instructed the Thief to shift up next to the guard, while Soggy would shift up-right.

Well, he tried to anyway, the neck wound made communication difficult, as everything came out as a bloody gurgle. He tried again with some frantic hand motions, and then went for it.

shift diagonally northeast
wolf pack tactics to shift Fescue north and attack now-beardless guard

FELIPE NO

Wolf Pack Tactics (Battle Axe) 16 + 5 (hit): 9 damage

The companions simultaneously flank the infuriated babyface, leaving him wide-open for an axe in the gut.

And the guard's bowels were smote, and the smiting did injure them greatly, and the man did contract a serious infection. And the man said "Oh, those are my bowels, how unfortunate this is" and his bowels in their condition of having been smote did emit a foul odor, and all nearby were greatly displeased and held their noses.

And the man, being grievously wounded, did attempt to flee, clutching at his wounded guts all the while. But whilst he fled the thief did jam a knife in his back, and the man fell, and his bowels were spilt most unpleasantly around him, squish squish.

Guard killed, Argumentus at bat.

M

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

The blood rage consumed Argumentus. Caught in the crab's vice-grip, his gorilla-like arms reach the warhammer out to bash away at the part where the crab's brain is supposed to be.

Reaping strike

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Reaping Strike (Warhammer) 14 + 7 (hit) : 10 damage, crab killed

The warhammer smashes deeply into the crab's primitive little brain, utterly pulverizing it. The monstrous animal's grip on Argumentus slackens, then the crab utterly collapses into a chitinous heap.

VICTORY! 800 XP (160 XP each), which should put everyone at 705 XP total by my reckoning. 2nd level is only a few brushes with death away!

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Soggy slowly slumps down to a sitting position against the wall to take a short rest and let the wonders of clotting take effect. He gurgles for everyone else to do the same, specifically pointing at Bob who is eying the charred doors with a look that Soggy does not like at all.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Argumentus continues cracking the crab's shell, getting at that sweet delicious meat

om nom nom nom nom

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

I peek into the next room, due to being adacent to an open door.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Peeking through the partly-open doorway, Fescue sees a small room roughly 30' x 15'; seemingly someone's office. A flimsy attempt has been made to create comfort in the stony environs of the dungeon; the granite floor has been smoothed down and polished, and a dingy carpet lies atop it. The room is lit by a small candelabra atop a desk littered with various documents. Crude statuary flanks the desk, and a bookcase and water-barrel lie just behind it.

Against the east wall stands a mirror and wardrobe, and on the west is a rack of more than a dozen various polearms.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Seeing the Rogue also displaying more curiousity than a gravely wounded man should, Soggy grumbles and says "Oi, I wouldn't wander in there till you've had a chance to heal up, mate."

FELIPE NO

fresh-as-possible crab meat gorging his belly, Argumentus begins to sort through the corpses for their junk

How ya doing, buddy?

Motsognir was feeling considerably better now that he'd had a short break from being nearly dead, which he sadly noted was becoming his standard mode of operation. He hefted himself up, slung his battle axe and shield onto his back, and proceeded to join the big fellow in the looting.

spend 3 healing surges
stow axe and shield
search for goodies to swipe from the dead guys

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Inventory of phat lewtz:

leather armor, three sets
cloth armor, two sets
chainmail armor, two sets
halberds, two
crossbows, two
crossbow bolts, thirty-three
quarterstaff, one
wand, one
gold pieces, two hundred and fifty
golden bracelet, one
black velvet gloves, one pair
chainmail belt, one
Potion of Healing, one
serrated dagger, one
weathered parchment tied with ribbon, one

(Motsognir's HP 22)

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Argumentus equips the chainmail belt, admiring his sweet new duds. Standing amidst the viscera, Argumentus succumbs to his crab battle, suddenly asleep. His snores echo throughout the chamber.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.