What does this mean? (My first girl problem)

Alrighty people, had my first relationship and my first break up within the same month! I don't know if you can really call that anything ( because it was so short) but here's the scoop

I personally thought things were going great but she tells me one day that she just doesn't feel right meaning she thinks she doesn't feel for me in that way. Now that part I can actually understand and have no problem with.

THIS is the part I have a problem with. She said she rather just get to know me better and hang out more as friends...But she is completely avoiding me now. I have tried a couple times to initiate a meeting or even just talking and each time I get no response. I mean even before we started dating I would get some kind of reply, but now...nothing.

Ok people so whats up with this?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

It happens sometimes. They say something but mean the exact opposite. She just wanted to end it on good terms I think and really has no intention of spending any time with you. Maybe harsh, but that's my take on it based on personal experience.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Cobra Commander

I personally thought things were going great but she tells me one day that she just doesn't feel right meaning she thinks she doesn't feel for me in that way.

I really do apologise if the following seems harsh, but the lesson to be learned from this is crucial. The you that she knew while you were dating is somehow less appealing than the you she knew before you asked her out. She liked you well enough to go out with you on a few dates, so you have an opportunity now to figure out where exactly you dropped the ball.

Quote:

THIS is the part I have a problem with. She said she rather just get to know me better and hang out more as friends...

That is something a woman says when she wants to let you down easy. If she can manage to let you down nice and easy she can avoid any unpleasant breakup scenes. It seems like it is usually a good policy.

I hate to be blunt, but it may just have been something nice to say at that time. It may not mean that she wanted to be your friend. It may not mean she wanted to get to know you better. It may just mean that she wanted to make it easy on herself.

Quote:

But she is completely avoiding me now. I have tried a couple times to initiate a meeting or even just talking and each time I get no response. I mean even before we started dating I would get some kind of reply, but now...nothing.

This is why I'm inclined to suggest that you dropped the ball somehow. Up until the moment you started dating, it would appear that this woman quite liked you. You guys were apparently on friendly terms for some time, and she was sufficiently attracted to you to respond favourably to your advances.

That's what I get from your post, anyway.

Once you started dating, she obviously liked you well enough to stick around for a month. Presumably you saw a lot of each other in that time, because new couples tend to be joined at the hips. I can't begin to speculate on what would have put her off, but it seems clear that something about the way you act in a relationship put her off. Once she agreed to go out on a date with you, you could reasonably draw the conclusion that she was interested, and from the currrent situation, you must draw the conclusion that she is not interested anymore.

What changed? Only you or she can answer that, but there must have been something.

I don't mean to be harsh, I'm just saying that you can learn from this. Sometimes it's the best thing. Even in long-term couples, sometimes a big fight really helps to bring to light what needs to change. We learn by making mistakes, and then working hard to not make the same ones again.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Thanks guys for the comments, and I really know you don't mean to be harsh. Just a couple of things though. We didn't see much of each other...maybe once a week, that's it. I did ask if it was anything I did and she said no but then again it could just be "letting me down easy"

I still haven't quite gotten over it, but I think I'm well on my way. I was my first relationship so mistakes were probably made (IMO I think I moved too flippin slow, funny because usually the problem is the opposite, hahahahaha)

Thanks guys for your opinion, if there are any more out there, I'll be glad to hear um...I wanna turn this into a positive for me

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

There isn't necessary a clear reason. In fact, below 20, I'd say most of the time there's isn't. You really don't have to blame it on yourself.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by niki

There isn't necessary a clear reason. In fact, below 20, I'd say most of the time there's isn't. You really don't have to blame it on yourself.

It has been my (admittedly limited) experience that there is always a reason. There isn't always a reason that you get to find out about, but there's always a reason. Sometimes you find out later, and it make everything become clear.

Most amazing jew boots

Try to make this a relationship a learning experience.

I do have to agree with a lot of the things that soluzar has said, but its probably best for you just to let it go. Move on with your life and you'll eventually find someone else for yourself that will bring happiness into your life.

My first relationship my gf ended it after 11 months and it was totally unexpected and I didn't see it coming whatsoever. When the break-up happened i was too focused on what I did wrong and I wanted to know the true reason why she actually broke up with me. I use to stress about it all the time, I wanted to know not for the fact of trying to get back together with this girl, so that if I ever end up in the same situation again I can try my best to learn from my past mistakes.

The fact that she said she ended the relationship because she wanted to get to know you better and she still wanted to hang out is literally taking the nice way out of it without trying to hurt your feelings.

Don't think that you did anything wrong to ruin this relationship, if the girl in question truly cared about you she would give you honest answer. I don't think you can really build up a good relationship if you can't be honest with each other. I'd rather someone break up with me and give the honest answer not matter how horrible it is, then someone trying to sugar coat it.

FELIPE NO

The first thing I have to ask, and I mean no offense here, is how old are you?
I get the impression you are still in high school, in which case it is most definitely not your fault. High school girls are notorious for changing their mind every two seconds and never knowing what they want. It's the very reason why some of them literally have a new boyfriend every week.

Even if you aren't in high school though, depending on how mature the girl is this could still be that case. A lesson you can take from all this, is that some women just can't make up their goddamn minds. My wife, for example, can't even decide most of the time where she wants to go out to eat. This usually leads to about 15 minutes of "Honey where do you want to go eat?", "I don't know where do you want to go to eat?"...lather, rinse, repeat.

Either way, don't worry about it too much. It sounds like she just made up an excuse because she wanted out. Ignore her the same way she does you and go find you another woman.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by MakoAoyama

The first thing I have to ask, and I mean no offense here, is how old are you?
I get the impression you are still in high school, in which case it is most definitely not your fault. High school girls are notorious for changing their mind every two seconds and never knowing what they want. It's the very reason why some of them literally have a new boyfriend every week.

Yeah. If that's the case, scrub everything I just said. I'm speaking from the perspective of a guy in his thirties, dating women of a similar age. I suppose the sort of thing I said is really only applicable to adult dating.

With kids, there really can be a breakup for just no reason at all.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

It happens, especially if you are in your teen age years. I remember the first person I dated broke up with me within a month. She couldn't bear to do it to my face so she had a friend of hers deliver a note to me. I was hurt at first, then went through a time of wanting her back, and then was fine.

My advice is not to worry about it. Yes, easier said then done. However, look at the bright side in which 1) it is proven that you can go out on a date and be in a relationship with someone for a period of time, and 2) you learned a little bit of what is required for a relationship. The previous two points many people aren't able to learn about, and it drives them nuts. Take solice in that you can.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Uh, that's not really true. There's always a reason. The reason may seem inane, but there is always a reason. (Okay, the girl could be psychotic or just fucking with you when she said she wanted to go out. But let's disregard those two options as highly unlikely for now.)

Girls themselves usually can't really explain the reason though, they'll say something like "I just don't feel attracted to him that way" because they think that's how it works. And then guys will think the same thing: "Well, I can't really be blamed since the sparks just weren't there." Both of my straw-people think that attraction is something that either appears or doesn't, and you just have to (metaphorically speaking) chop down enough grass to find the rupees.

However, in 99% of the cases, the guy (or girl) has behaved in such a way that drives the girl away (or guy, for an example of this, check this guy's story). The problem really lies in what we are taught by "society" as the norm for treating girls. They say you should be courteous to a lady. Buy her dinner, take her out and pamper her with gifts. Support her when she's down and be there for her at all times. Treat her, in short, like a princess, and she'll be yours forever.

But in fact, girls hate that shit. And they may not realize they hate it, but they (unless they're emotionally damaged, and have an unhealthy need for support) really don't want to be treated like they're made of cotton candy. Sure, it gives them a nice boost of confidence, but it doesn't spark any attraction to you. In fact it will kill any attraction that was there.

My bet here is that you did just what I described, and this exact thing happened. It's not so strange--my first relationship was the exact same way. I think this is why most first relationships don't work out.

So what you need to remember is that you keep treating anyone you get involved with as a human being. Tease them, have fun with them... Don't put the pussy on a pedestal.

For this particular case I'd say just try to move on as soon as possible. It's almost impossible to get a girl to like you again once you wussed out around them, cause they'll remember that forever. And it's generally a good approach anyway--seriously, you can get someone else (I could), it's her loss. And the first relationship pretty much never works out, so it's not like this is a huge deal. (Like mortis says that's easier said than done, but he's really right so I want to repeat his point.)

If you do want to be friends with her it's smart to get a new girlfriend! Not only is it awesome to have a new girlfriend in general, it also says to her "I'm over you, we can have a relatively normal friendship".

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Wow, thanks for the input guys. Although most of the advise was just to get the same points across I get what you are all saying. There are a few things though

1) I'm in my twenties (yes it's sad)

2) This girl has never been in a relationship UNTIL she has been good friends with the person first (this was not the case with me)

3) I thought the purpose of dating WAS to get to know the other person better

4) Moving on is happening, no doubt about that, though it took me a LONG friggin time to find her so I'm looking for another long wait it seems

5) I understand what you said about treating them like cotton candy and how that doesn't work, it's true I probably did that

6) I am totally on board with that honesty thing, I mean I know I was totally honest when i talked to her and stuff, and from many standpoints I guess she was as well UNTIL the break up...because she did tell me previously she doesn't like being mean so i guess I got my answer.

Any more advise other than move on, don't treat um like cotton candy, and don't worry about it so much?

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by Cobra Commander

2) This girl has never been in a relationship UNTIL she has been good friends with the person first (this was not the case with me)

Yes this does happen but in my experience the situation was such that they were already attracted to each other from the start and (for whatever reason) just ended up becoming friends at first. You simply cannot kindle feelings of attraction slowly, they're either there or not.

Originally Posted by Cobra Commander

3) I thought the purpose of dating WAS to get to know the other person better

I completely agree with this, and I think the whole "get to know them first" thing is basically a terrible idea. You should base your selection on girls you find physically attractive anyway, because you don't know what personality they have until you get to know them, and if you don't find them physically attractive you just can't have a "complete" relationship with them. Just my two cents.

Originally Posted by Cobra Commander

4) Moving on is happening, no doubt about that, though it took me a LONG friggin time to find her so I'm looking for another long wait it seems

Nonsense, you could find another girl you like tomorrow.

Originally Posted by Cobra Commander

5) I understand what you said about treating them like cotton candy and how that doesn't work, it's true I probably did that

You're not alone, it took me years to figure that shit out. Specifically, it took a girl treating ME like that to figure out how Goddamn repulsive it is. You'd think it'd be awesome to be adored by a beautiful girl!

Originally Posted by Cobra Commander

6) I am totally on board with that honesty thing, I mean I know I was totally honest when i talked to her and stuff, and from many standpoints I guess she was as well UNTIL the break up...because she did tell me previously she doesn't like being mean so i guess I got my answer.

Many times, they think they want to be friends, and they do want to be friends, but it's too awkward for them to actually go through with it. It's not so much a lie as it's a promise they can't live up to, I wouldn't judge her too harshly based on it.

Originally Posted by Cobra Commander

Any more advise other than move on, don't treat um like cotton candy, and don't worry about it so much?

Don't be bitter to her!

Hmm, I gotta ask this, cause I'm not sure: do you want to keep her as a friend?

I was speaking idiomatically.

I have to admit being adored is nice to a point, but after awhile it just comes off as obsessive and creepy. I was always that guy throughout my entire teenage years and I sure did learn how awkward it was when the tables finally reversed and I met someone who acted that way towards me instead. It wasn't pleasant. It definitely taught me the definition of (and the necessity of) the word balance.

And yeah, don't be bitter. Just suck it up and move on. You're likely to go through this situation many times actually before you get it right, but that's okay. We all have to. It's not abnormal.

Most amazing jew boots

Originally Posted by surasshu

I completely agree with this, and I think the whole "get to know them first" thing is basically a terrible idea. You should base your selection on girls you find physically attractive anyway, because you don't know what personality they have until you get to know them, and if you don't find them physically attractive you just can't have a "complete" relationship with them. Just my two cents.

I actually have to disagree with this, since I was more attracted to my girlfriend after I got to know her better. Personally, I've met too many girls that looked good and were total asshats to think that's a good way to start. Sure, don't bother trying girls that you think are ugly or repulse you, but sometimes a great personality really can make someone look even better in your eyes.

Most amazing jew boots

To answer your question surasshu I would like to keep this girl as a friend, I don't have many that are girls and well we did share a lot of the same view points and values.

But it's already been quite some time since she last contacted me so I think it's totally over. I put it to myself this way...if she really wanted to keep me as a friend or anything, I've already put my foot forward, it's her turn now.

Thanks for all the replies guys! Just gotta take the good with the bad and learn from it.

...Oh yeah, it's not like I am mad at her or anything like that so I'm not bitter, just curious was all.

Most amazing jew boots

The relationship seemed awkward to her. It wasn't working out. Big deal. At least you didn't waste years on her, right? Best to end it here and now.

Maybe she thought things would be different. She did let you down in easy in her mind, and her avoiding you is expected. Just let it roll off your back and chock it up to a lesson learned.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Cobra Commander, I know how you feel. The shitty thing about these situations is that she isn't required to state the reasoning for breaking up with you. SUCKS, especially during those long nights of "What if" which can play back and forth in the mind for hours...

I had a similar thing happen to me a few years ago where I hit it off really fast with a girl a few years older than me. A week later, bam, "See ya"! The most I can gather from what went wrong is that she was smoking hot, she offered herself to me and I didn't bang her. (I was getting around to it!) Anyways, she had the courtesy of letting me know she was looking for something else though she never answered "Why?".

That's simple now...I am not what she was looking for.

At the time, the ordeal left me scratching my head and very confused. In regards to your situation, I believe she found out that she wasn't interested in you, but didn't want to be too blunt or hurt your feelings unnecessarily. Lord knows that breakups can turn ugly and dramatic very quickly and its probably best that she did what she did...

I am not at liberty to say whether this experience is a good/bad one, but I can only tell you to keep at it with searching! You'll eventually find the right gal. Good luck to both of us actually.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by GRUN-2

I actually have to disagree with this, since I was more attracted to my girlfriend after I got to know her better. Personally, I've met too many girls that looked good and were total asshats to think that's a good way to start. Sure, don't bother trying girls that you think are ugly or repulse you, but sometimes a great personality really can make someone look even better in your eyes.

Oh I don't disagree with that at all. I mean I thought my (current) girlfriend was super hot from the moment I saw her (cause that's kinda what hot means ), but in the end I'd have to say the hottest thing about her is her personality. And conversely, no matter how hot a girl is, bad personality kills any relationship. Well, for me anyway!

Quote:

To answer your question surasshu I would like to keep this girl as a friend, I don't have many that are girls and well we did share a lot of the same view points and values.

Yeah that's fair, just checking if you didn't want to like, get back together with her. Cause that's trouble! D:

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Well, i see two different possible messages shes sending.

A) You and her rushed things too quickly and yeah. Its one thing to just go out on a date but when taking it to a whole nother level, things change.

She could have just wanted to leave you and she does want to hang out, but kinda need to give it some time away from one another.

B) Stuff just didn't work out between you two and it won't.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

I would have to argue with Surass on the personality thing a bit. I guess I go by the old mentality, "Thirty years down the road, when most looks are all but gone, would I still be happy with her?".

I think it's safe to say she said that to end things quietly, on a "high note". My advice (again) is to not concern yourself (again, easier said than done). You are in your twenties, with plenty of time to date. Now, I am NOT the person to ask about how to pick up dates, other members could create a new thread and go round and round on that (if that hasn't happened already?). However, the main point is that you have time, and that there is no reason to worry too much. One bit of advice I got from someone is to 'focus on school now, do well, THEN go ahead and date'. That type of mindset just worked wonders for me, and was a good way to channel any emotions I had into something productive.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Didya get a root?

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?