Moving in together.

I'll be moving in with my girlfriend at the end of this month. I'm excited and I'm nervous -- all at the same time, even!

What advice would you have for someone taking this step? Have you lived with a significant other before? What are some constructive steps you've taken to make the transition easier? What pitfalls should I be looking out for?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Let me be the first to say, "Congratulations!" It's a huge step. I hope to accomplish this with my girlfriend by the end of the summer. Anyway, one pitfall is probably lack of time for yourself. There are times when you need to be by yourself but it's hard to get that with someone else in your space.

Getting your own time will also prevent another pitfall: eventually becoming sick of the person because you spend all your time with her. This may seem harsh but it may happen. Anyway, you should also realize that she may want time for herself as well.

I think that's it for now.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Well, having lived with a boyfriend from age 20-21 after dating him for 8 months, I can say that my experience of living with a signifant other wasn't a good choice at all. Nor was it a particularly pleasant experience on my part.

1. I never had my own space, as we shared bedroom. The other "room" was his sister's.
2. He had a high expectancy for what I should do-- this made me feel very cornered.
3. We did have ground rules, but it was always disregarded with excuses, from both sides of the fence.
4. His family dog(s) were like our kids, so I had more responsibilities than I can handle.
5. I was too young and eventually couldn't handle the emotional burden of "living together." I was simply not ready for it.

I assume that you are currently in a much more stable financial, mental and emotional position than I was back then. I wish you the best of luck and as long as you both recognize that you need to make yourselves a priority first, that you need to live your life first, to be able to be accountable and responsible for your own self first before the significant other, you should be ok. Aside from that, small things and ground rules like BigHairyFeet said above...just make sure anything financial and dutiable responsibility is taken care of equally-weighed so that you don't have any argument over it when things go sour.

Note: Trash and dishes, no one likes to do. But offering to help with it once in a while or asking for help seems to alleviate the "who should do what" syndrome. "Hey hon, I'm taking out the trash; would you mind holding the door for me?" "Hey, can you help me put the clean dishes away while I wash these?" Visa versa works too.

Other than that... I think it would work better if you can be open / flexible about each others' schedules and don't try to control each other too much.

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Shorty:

I'm 24, and she's 26. We've been dating for 2.5 years.

Oh, man, I hear you loud and clear where expectations, space and control are concerned. Those are the biggest things that people have been warning me about -- and honestly, I think I haven't communicated clearly enough that I really don't expect very much out of her. Well, it would be nice if we kept the kitchen sink clean. (Sounds random, I know, but that's my biggest pet peeve.)

If you don't mind me asking, Shorty, what was your boyfriend expecting out of you for what you should do?

I'm thinking that space will not be as much an issue, because we'll have our own rooms, and since I'll be a full-time graduate student (and gone most of the time), I'm hoping that'll be enough personal space fro the both of us. That said, being a grad student, I have to live my own life first -- I basically have no choice.

How ya doing, buddy?

O.o' Shorty... was that boyfriend um Asian as well? If so, it kinda explains a lot. :\

And Stop Sign. Congratulations! We (me and SailorDaravon) were just THAT age you mentioned when we moved in together. When we had to share that one bedroom in that house for 4 months, we were a bit miserable til we got a nice 2 br apt and had our own rooms. We got our own space (his video gaming and my art projects).

We been living together for 3 years now and just got married 2 months ago. We're extremely happy because well when we moved in, we pretty much sealed that we're going to be sticking together through thick and thin and pretty much are new to the whole thing (relationship wise). And thankfully neither of us have major pet peeves and he's the clean freak. He likes to clean house and I'm the opposite actually (for a girl! LOL) but I gave him plenty of room to do whatever the fuck he wanted. He's happy about that and he gets to have friends over and etc. We're total easy-going fun homebodies. If that helps to define us lmao. I should also say we share a lot of similar interests (gaming, obsession, anime, etc) and we're pretty much a lot alike in a lot of ways except I'm more quieter and thoughtful.

Reason for this is that a huge mutual trust is involved in each other ya know. You just know that either of us is reliable with sorts of issues and not fuck up (he did a few times... but he's learning). But either way its a teaching experience for sure! I just know I'm happy with him and hope it'll be this way for the remainder of our lives together. I know that sounds so damn sappy, but you know so much about your significant other once you guys move in together. Keep being optimistic though.

I was speaking idiomatically.

As a Chinese male, I object to your implication!

I'm just kidding. I swore a long time ago never to follow in the footsteps of my father and other stereotypical chauvinists, but it's so persistent in the culture that I wouldn't be surprised to see it pop up in other relationships.

Originally Posted by Philia

Reason for this is that a huge mutual trust is involved in each other ya know. You just know that either of us is reliable with sorts of issues and not fuck up (he did a few times... but he's learning). But either way its a teaching experience for sure! I just know I'm happy with him and hope it'll be this way for the remainder of our lives together. I know that sounds so damn sappy, but you know so much about your significant other once you guys move in together. Keep being optimistic though.

Thank you for your kind words, Philia. It's really heartwarming to hear stories where everything works out -- it does make it easier to stay optimistic.

Man, I really need to talk with her, after her exams today. We just haven't had the time recently to talk about expectations these few weeks, and the closer the date, the more pressing the need to talk is.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by Philia

O.o' Shorty... was that boyfriend um Asian as well? If so, it kinda explains a lot. :\

Yep. He was pretty old-fashioned too and somewhat of a hypocrite.

I think Philia's positive experiences would help you most Stop Sign, rather than worrying about the specific details of my negative experiences -- what cornered me into an uncomfortable/miserable situation might not be the case for you and/or your girlfriend. That and I'd have to apologize that I can't give you details, since I've been trying to block out most of the misery/negative connotations of my memory of living with the ex boyfriend.

You need to figure out what would best work for you guys first, before listening to other people's experiences. It's like working on a project, you guys get together a big general picture first (you 2 talking), and then get some feedback from others and work on nitty gritty details (you know, kinda like, "oh hey, we haven't thought of that, yeah, let's try to do this").

At least you guys are getting your own rooms; that's the first and best choice you're making. Key rules to living with a significant other is: Responsibility, Space, Respect, and Rules. You can add in thoughtfulness and cooking for each other if the other party is coming home late and such activities as bonuses.

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Thank you for your advice, Shorty!

As a side note, now that her exams are over, we finally did get a chance to sit down and talk about the stuff that all of you mentioned here. I think she feels much more comfortable now that we've both had a chance to air out our expectations and talk about personal space, etc. So, I'm feeling a lot less nervous now, because we've laid down some guidelines to make the transition less jarring for the both of us.

How ya doing, buddy?

Pitfalls? Advice? It'll just work out if its going to and it just wont otherwise. Also have a lot of sex, that seems to help.
I got scarily domestic when I moved in with my boyfriend. I had never cooked or cleaned in my life but I like baking and cooking for him and I like to keep the house (relatively ) clean. He cooks and cleans up a lot too, so there's not much stress about it.

Let the lady dictate the cleaning and do it.
She will reward you with cakes and intercourse.
For the record we never talked about anything beforehand or set up "groundrules" lol. Our conversation went like: UH WANNA MOVE IN TOGETHER? UH OK COOL

Its really not too hard to cohabitate with someone you really love

Jam it back in, in the dark.

If the two of you are compatible there shouldn't be any problems right? Just try to be considerate of your partner, know her habits and what pisses her off (if you want to avoid that sort of reaction, that is) so that you can live as calmly as humanly possible. If you argue, try to be reasonable, logical, and know when to back down. You can't go wrong that way unless the relationship isn't bound to work. And don't be afraid to take a walk or a timeout.

I moved in with Lenore the day I physically met her and I can tell you the fifteen months after that were very interesting. =X

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Senorita Preved

Also have a lot of sex, that seems to help.

Sorry, this one didn't help me at all. It made situations worse.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Why Shorty? Was that really all there was to the relationship?

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

I don't know, it could be possible since it seemed like the more I got, the more I got depressed. That's just me though, so I wouldn't take it into consideration.

I was probably not mature enough to be living with someone at that time too. To be honest, I don't think I can handle it now either. There's way too much stuff I need to focus on myself before being able to live in an environment of having to consider the other person. =/

I don't think Stop Sign has that problem though; they seem to be mature (also age-wise) enough that they can prioritize what's important in the relationship and they've aired out what their boundaries need to be by communicating (most important!) already, so they're off to a right start.

I was speaking idiomatically.

lolies communication. Man, when I was 19 I just thought "I'll just do my thing and that's final!" Pretty rude awakening. In my situation the years I've aged and matured since then have done me a lot of good.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Thanks, Senorita Preved, Shorty, OO. The move-in date is just 9 days away now, so it's good to hear all these thoughts about moving-in together.

Where compatibility is concerned, I think we're pretty much on the same page on most things. I know we're on the same page, pretty much, when it comes to money, for example. It's the same when it comes to hobbies, music tastes, religion and politics, and so on.

The biggest sticking point is space and independence - she, especially, values independence and is afraid of losing it as our relationship becomes deeper. But as Shorty said, we're talking things through, and I've made it very clear that I don't want to monopolize her time, and that I fully intend on pursuing my own life as a grad student.

Not that I plan to neglect her, of course. I guess, the more I think about it, the more I feel that it's healthier for a relationship, even a committed long-term one like ours, to be comprised of two independent, separate people. So I'm hoping we can run our own lives for now, look to each other for support, and then, as time passes by, let our lives slowly become more intertwined.

FELIPE NO

WHAT. The woman in the relationship wants her space? Dude, don't fuck this up. You're set.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Omi-Cron Kenobi

WHAT. The woman in the relationship wants her space? Dude, don't fuck this up. You're set.

Yup, she's always been very independent. It's a definitely a good thing!

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Shorty

Sorry, this one didn't help me at all. It made situations worse.

You're doing it wrong

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Stop Sign

Yup, she's always been very independent. It's a definitely a good thing!

That's sort of the opposite in my relationship. I like to be independent and she likes to do virtually everything with me.

We're talking about moving in together in near future, end of the year, I'm mostly trying to save up money in order to create a cushion. Once things get more finalized we'll discuss the details in a finer point.

How ya doing, buddy?

Then, about three days after you move in, you can make a thread in here asking for help. =o

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Income, this is a big one. Make sure you've got your bills covered and that everyone is putting in a piece towards it. If there's imbalance then the person putting in the least hours/money might want to pick up more of the chores to even out things.

There's nothing more frustrating than working a 10-hour day and coming home to find your significant other in their pajamas playing a video game... meanwhile there's a pile of dishes on the counter and pile of dirty clothes in the bedroom. That shit will frustrate you to no end.

I was speaking idiomatically.

The only thing I would even bother suggesting (since every couple is really different as far as priorities) is considering the budget.

Resentment can build easily if one person is contributing more to the household when the other is not.

That's not to say that the one contributing less can't add to their contributions by helping out around the house. Like some have already said: it's insanely frustrating to come home and find the house a mess while someone is just laying around doing nothing - ESPECIALLY if you had a hard day.

It's true that love can really help in a relationship where you actually give a shit how much the other person feels. But, you know, you can fall out of love and you can get annoyed with a person's habits BEYOND "being in love."

You want to avoid resenting each other for whatever reason. You better hope your partner is pliable, willing to compromise, and able to contribute.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Quote:

"WHAT. The woman in the relationship wants her space? Dude, don't fuck this up. You're set."

"Then, about three days after you move in, you can make a thread in here asking for help. =o"

QFT.

Stop Sign, I'm so jealous that my brown eyes have briefly turned fluorescent green. :P I'd wish you all the luck in the world if I thought you needed any.

Just to restate and reinforce a point, and also bring kudos to Stop Sign for making this point of points: The only really healthy relationship involves independent people living independent lives. Their lives interweave in interesting ways, and they are always there for each other, but they have respect for each other's space, and their human need for solitary self-exploration. Relationships aren't about holding each other up, they're about standing near enough that you can catch each other if you happen to fall.

guyinrubbersuit, you should definitely discuss the details before you finalize things. Shit, man, discussing the details after you've lined up an apartment and put in your notice is like signing a contract before the damned thing's even been written. Dude, you gotta tell her how you feel soon, because conversations become harder to start every time you put them off. Best possible outcome, she's totally unaware that she's not giving you the space you need and fully willing to adapt her behavior. Worst case scenario, she decides that you aren't worth her time and leaves you for someone who'll spend every waking moment with her and love it, meaning you get saved the trouble of being totally smothered to the point of having to break up with someone you're already living with. Believe me, I speak from experience here, that's not somewhere you wanna go if you can avoid it. No matter the outcome, having the conversation soon is most likely in your best interest.

Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can do today.

How ya doing, buddy?

Growing up with my step-asian-grandmother....

She always tought me to treat our men like kings. Give them the world and don't be selfish about it. Ever since I was a little kid, it was in my mind that we comfort our men and give them everything.

I wish I had a different grandmother.

Ever since day 1 of living with my boyfriend, I can't help it but I cook and clean for my boyfriend, do the laundry and even fold his socks for him. I do it without him asking too. And for some reason, I don't mind it at all. He doesn't do the same for me but I really do treat him as a king. We haven't had any problems with living together and I think that's the reason why.

I wouldn't recommend it to anyone else but I like it.

How ya doing, buddy?

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

You want to avoid resenting each other for whatever reason. You better hope your partner is pliable, willing to compromise, and able to contribute.

And the same for you, If you're not able to compromise and contribute she is going to get fed up with you fast.

That being said, Congratulations and good luck.

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