No call, No show

Usually, that's what people do at a really shitty job, but what happens when it's in your personal life?

This happened to me tonight, as I was set to hang out with a very cool girl tonight, I waited, called, etc. and got no response.

We'd gone out on a date on friday night, and had a blast. Walked around Barnes and Nobles, went to a diner, hung out until after four o'clock in the morning. It's possibly the best date I'd ever been on, we were just having one hell of a time talking, laughing, etc. She asked me if I'd wanted to do it again some time, and after a few minutes of figuring out when would be good with both of us, we decided to hang out on sunday(tonight).

Saturday, I get a text message from her saying she had a really nice time on friday, and that she'd call me today, I text her back telling her I did to, and I can't wait to hear from her.

And then, silence. I called her a few times, left a message, and sent a text(not all together at the same time, waited a few hours between the two messages, etc.) And I haven't heard back from her.

I'm actually worried I might have done something stupid(the self-doubt factor), or maybe she just came to her senses and decided to distance herself from me quickly(once again, self doubt), or worst case scenario something bad happened and she's preoccupied with a family/personal emergency.

Anyway, I'm looking for advice on this, and I'd also like to know what everyone out there does when something like this happens to them(if it has).

(edit: can a mod throw this in the advice column, as I thought that's where I was posting it. Sorry about that.)

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Well, I can't say that I've every forgotten about a date set with a guy, but I've never really gone out on the standard 'date'. I'd say wait a few days and see what happens... it is the holiday season after all, she could have just gotten wrapped up in something else. Don't freak out yet, I'm sure it's only been a few hours since the date fell through.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Hightop, you're trying too hard.

Set the bait, let her bite. If she had a really good time and she wants to hang out again, the ball is in her court. Let her contact you again.

If she doesn't contact you on, like, Saturday, I would have suggested just leaving her a quick message (ONE ONLY) asking her if she'll still be free.

No response? You're shit out of luck. Don't push. It's creepy and girls don't like that that shit. Three phones calls and texts are really not impressive to a girl.

In fact, I would personally say that even if I PERSONALLY had been in her shoes, having had a fantastic time, if the follow-ups were as persistent as that, I would not consider a second date. It's weird and desperate. No offense.

You called her. Don't call anymore. You've done enough. Now, the ball is SERIOUSLY in her court. If she doesn't call again, don't bother. She has your number. Don't get creepy.

Incidentally, girls will often (or at least some of the girls I know) act like they had a great time and then never call back. It's horrible, I know. But they don't want to hurt your feelings and they'd rather just avoid the whole mess.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I would give it a few days and if you don't here a response, don't panic. Maybe toss her a call making sure shes okay or something.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

First read Sass's post in its entirety, at least two or three times through. Got it all? Is it in your mind? Good.

Women constantly test men, and evaluate them based on every single little action, including body language. From the moment they meet you, they are sizing you up and/or comparing you to the other men they've dealt with, in some way or another. Am I saying she didn't call you when she said she would, as some sort of test? It's possible, but not definite. But I am saying, at this point she may be sitting back going "okay, he freaked out when I didn't call, he's leaving me all sorts of messages, maybe I should leave this one alone, he seems a little insecure." Any number of things are possible. However, you have ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL over any of the possibilities. So you take what you do have control of, and here's what you do:

Chill. Don't even think about it. Heck, go on a date with someone else, and have just as good a time, maybe better. That's what dates are for - have fun, get to know each other, in a slightly less-casual-than-just-hanging-out environment. Trust me, you'll feel better and so will she.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Panic. Freak out and leave her threatening voice messages. If that doesn't get her attention, bang on her front door at three in the morning screaming and crying for her to answer. Women love men who are willing to show their emotions.

Actually, yeah, what Sass said. There's a fine line between interest and desperation. Relax, show you're still interested in hooking-up and wait for a reply. If you don't get one, consider that the reply and move on.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

It sounds to me like you may have fallen victim to what the playas are calling a "cockblock", my friend.

From what you say it appears as though she really was keen initially. Maybe she told her sister, or a close friend, all about how SHE set up the date with YOU, and how SHE texted YOU to warn you that SHE would be calling YOU. Her sis or friend might then have informed her about how desperate she was coming across, and told her not to call you, perhaps saying something like "let him call you!" or "let him do some work!" or something equally illogical given the circumstances, thus blocking any chance of you getting some action on this occasion.

Don't call her and don't wait for any longer than a week maximum before going back to playing the field. It's her own fault for listening to stupid advice or for otherwise flaking out on your date. If you run into her don't ask why she didn't call or get angry or anything, just be courteous. You need to act as though it didn't affect you, even though it obviously did.

Also, you describe her as a "cool girl" even though she flakes out on your date. Sounds like you are in love. Awww... ain't that sweet. Not sweet enough to stop her from ripping your heart out and jumping on it and kicking it against the fucking wall! Not that I'm bitter or anything...

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by Shape-shifter

It sounds to me like you may have fallen victim to what the playas are calling a "cockblock", my friend.

From what you say it appears as though she really was keen initially. Maybe she told her sister, or a close friend, all about how SHE set up the date with YOU, and how SHE texted YOU to warn you that SHE would be calling YOU. Her sis or friend might then have informed her about how desperate she was coming across, and told her not to call you, perhaps saying something like "let him call you!" or "let him do some work!" or something equally illogical given the circumstances, thus blocking any chance of you getting some action on this occasion.

Don't call her and don't wait for any longer than a week maximum before going back to playing the field. It's her own fault for listening to stupid advice or for otherwise flaking out on your date. If you run into her don't ask why she didn't call or get angry or anything, just be courteous. You need to act as though it didn't affect you, even though it obviously did.

Also, you describe her as a "cool girl" even though she flakes out on your date. Sounds like you are in love. Awww... ain't that sweet. Not sweet enough to stop her from ripping your heart out and jumping on it and kicking it against the fucking wall! Not that I'm bitter or anything...

Wow, you fail on epic levels I didn't even know existed yet. Why did we have to change this from angst! again?

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Denicalis

Why did we have to change this from angst! again?

I have yet to hear a satisfactory answer to this question also.

You may have pushed your luck a bit too far with your clingy behaviour already. What Ayos and Sass say is right. It kinda seems contradictory to us guys (actually, if you think about it for long enough, it starts to make sense), but if you're serious about a relationship with a girl, you gotta push 'em away a bit.

Don't become clingy because, Goddamnit, she is lucky to net a date with you. It may sound a bit cocky but it's the right frame of mind. You can get any other girl, and have just as good a date (even better!) than with her. You're giving her a chance.

Personally, I'd move on. One date doesn't mean a lot no matter how much fun it was, and if she's that flaky, it'll probably be a pain later on (flaking out and being late on dates or appointments--let alone not showing up--is #1 on my list of bullshit traits that I don't tolerate, in friends or lovers). But I guess you like her a lot, so give her another chance, but don't let her off the hook easily.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Dude. Print out Sass' reply, frame it, and hang it on your bathroom mirror.

I can't stress strongly enough the importance of calling or texting ONCE. Any more than that and you're desperate and needy in her eyes, she's done with you, and there's no recovering from that. Even if she goes out with you again, at this point you've most likely already lost too many respect points to ever recover. Cut your losses and consider this a learning experience.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Well... I'd disagree just slightly with the use of the phrases "no recovering from that" and "lost too many respect points to EVER recover" ... but for the immediate and foreseeable future, definitely.

If it's tough for you to understand why women work this way, consider this: Have you ever gone on a date with a girl, and then had her call you up three or four times, leave you messages, texts, et cetera, basically flood you with requests for more time, gushing "I loved spending time with you let's do it again" ...? If you've ever had that happen, I'm sure you can say "Well yeah, she came off as a total obsessive nutcase so I kind of avoided her for a while." If you haven't had that happen, trust me - you may think you'd like the attention, but chances are, you wouldn't.

Most amazing jew boots

I can only speak for myself, but I'd be completely finished with a guy who seemed desperate. I'm sure there are girls who can see past that, but there are plenty who can't.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Oh definitely. But there's always a chance that if she notices he's changed and isn't so desperate, she'll say "Okay, he's different, let's try this again." But that's just me - I'm the eternal optimist.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Well, and then there are the girls that are psycho in their own regard and who would 'understand' what was going on (read: not think anything's wrong). Of course, if that's the case, you don't want to go out with her anyway.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Eh.. this kind of behaviour will even work against you even in friendships. However being stood up is one trait 'desserters' have. The rest has been covered pretty well by Sass.

Just don't get too clingy. I know girls can be amazing to be around and it's hard NOT to want to be around them but yea.

FELIPE NO

Quote:

But they don't want to hurt your feelings and they'd rather just avoid the whole mess.

This is the fundemental difference between men and women. Men, or at least in my case, will tell you "Hey, I don't think this will work," "you're great, but I'm not attracted to you," or plainly "I find you to be dull."

I look at it this way: her body language will tell you alot. If she jumps your bone on the first date, she's either a) a slut (which is fine with me, a piece of ass is a piece of ass) or b) you did something right (probably unintentionally) and she's genuinely interested in you (although, option A is more likely). She makes out with you but doesn't sleep with you means "To be continued... go make sure you have condoms next time" which by extension means "I'm going to be seeing you again in the near future." If she gives you a hug and says, "I had a fun time, maybe we should do this again" she's uninterested and/or a Mormon.

Disclaimer: I am in now way trying to degrade or demean slutty women. I like dating slutty women, because I know that even if I do end up paying for the whole date, I'm getting something out of it. And, it's better than all of the negative social connotations associated with prostitution.

Quote:

Well, and then there are the girls that are psycho in their own regard and who would 'understand' what was going on (read: not think anything's wrong). Of course, if that's the case, you don't want to go out with her anyway.

You'd be surprised, actually, two co-dependent personalities jive pretty well in relationships. Because of the fact that they believe the behaviors they exhibit are perfectly normal.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Just to update on the situation, she was out of town saturday with family and hadn't gotten home until late sunday evening, at which time she did call me back. We had a pretty long conversation and it was actually pretty nice. We rescheduled for tuesday(last night), and went out for dinner with each other.

Btw, if you're ever in Jersey, there's a Mexican place called Chevy's, and it is quite delicious.

Anyhow, we ate dinner, went back to her place and hung out for most of the night. And for once, the shut-in Ninja has a date for New Year's Eve. Wahoo.

I really appreciate all the advice everyone threw my way, and while I might be a little insecure, I've never once been deemed clingy..usually stand-offish. I don't socialize very well, unless I'm in comfortable surroundings, so social norms don't exactly come natural..so when something like this happens, I tend to look for advice from my more socially adept friends.

Anywho, its going really well, from what I can tell, and we've made a date for this saturday, to go to this park that's around my place apparently, and possibly see a movie, or go walking through an old town/new-age sort of place.

Once again, thanks for the advice, and I'm glad I didn't come off as a stalkeratzi type of person to this incredible girl. Keep up the good advice giving.

-Ninja

Jam it back in, in the dark.