Mixed signals

So there's a girl. She arrived here at the beginning of term, in September, and originally I shared two classes with her - philosophy and politics. We talked a lot and saw each other every day until she dropped politics, so now I see her on alternating days which is kind of disappointing, but whatever.

We've walked together, talked a lot, etc. Earlier this week I headed back to her boarding house and we just sat around and talked alone for half an hour and everything was cool. Whenever we're walking back from class or what have you there's that standard friendly teasing, which isn't a problem at all, but it makes her a little hard to intepret sometimes.

Now this is where the "mixed signals" part comes in. Maybe a week ago she added me on Facebook, and yadda yadda yadda facebook stuff, I leave comments, she leaves comments, what have you. Yesterday I left her my phone number and asked her to give me a call, and she didn't reply for ages before saying that she doesn't really use her phone (something she'd actually told me previously, and I believe her on that one), but she'd been online for a good deal before replying, so god knows what that was about. Then today I leave her a comment saying there's nobody around (which is true, everyone in my boarding house seems to have gone home for the weekend) and she's thus far ignored it, so I just spent an entire fucking day sitting at my desk feeling sorry for myself.

I don't know what this girl thinks of me as far as being open to a relationship goes, but at this rate I'd seriously like to know. I don't want to have to confront her tomorrow morning in class and have to make everything awkward between us; I really don't want there to be any bad feelings at all.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I guess I'm confused as to how she was supposed to reply to your saying that there's "nobody around." Why would it matter if there were nobody around? Cause that could sound like an attempt at an invitation for sex. >_o

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I don't see exactly what "mixed signals" you're getting here. It looks to me like she's being friendly - which seems to often be mis-construed with the notion that there may be potential to seek something more.

What kind of "teasing" took place?

I mean, maybe you should try something a little LESS passive, here. I mean, no offense, but you're slamming your head against a wall when you shouldn't be. You should mention that no one is around and maybe she'd like to get a cup of coffee with you or something. You can't pansy-ass vault a ball into her court and expect her to hit it back to you when you're so unclear.

Maybe she went home for the weekend, too.

You'll never get anywhere if you don't TRY, man. What are you going to lose. Just ask her if she'd like to get together while everyone is away.

But seriously, I don't see too many mixed signals. I think you may be making a mountain out of an anthill right now.

How ya doing, buddy?

Originally Posted by Krelian

I don't know what this girl thinks of me as far as being open to a relationship goes, but at this rate I'd seriously like to know. I don't want to have to confront her tomorrow morning in class and have to make everything awkward between us; I really don't want there to be any bad feelings at all.

It seems like you want to have a perfect win or perfect loss here. You either want to tell her and have her fawn all over you or you want to be rejected but not feel bad. Neither of those is very likely, if not impossible.

I say, follow Sass's advice.

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Originally Posted by nadienne

I guess I'm confused as to how she was supposed to reply to your saying that there's "nobody around." Why would it matter if there were nobody around? Cause that could sound like an attempt at an invitation for sex. >_o

Haha :/ My exact words were something along the lines of "everyone here is either out for the weekend or hungover, so we could go out and do something if you're free". I was pretty indecisive over how to phrase it.

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

I mean, maybe you should try something a little LESS passive, here. I mean, no offense, but you're slamming your head against a wall when you shouldn't be. You should mention that no one is around and maybe she'd like to get a cup of coffee with you or something. You can't pansy-ass vault a ball into her court and expect her to hit it back to you when you're so unclear.

True! However, whenever I do feel like I've got an opportunity to ask her out she's always around other people and considering I've just been a passive in-the-background type guy in the past I don't want people to start asking questions if they notice me asking this girl out. I'd already asked her if she wanted to grab a coffee on thursday - Answer was yes, and she'd told me I could follow her to some bookstore if I pleased - But then everything was called off when someone told her she had class at the arranged time.

Quote:

What kind of "teasing" took place?

Seriously nothing aggravating; it's pretty affectionate. Example: We get back from lunch, she hugs me and heads back to her dorm and while she's walking away she yells "YOU'RE THIN" and I'm all like "heyyy". I don't really think anything of it.

I was pretty angsty when I made this, but yeah, I'll see how everything goes. She finally gave me a reply last night saying she'd been trapped in her room working all day, so eh

How ya doing, buddy?

Alright, update.

Saturday night was the sixth form ball - basically prom, but we're snooty private school Brits so apparently we have to make everything sound terribly upperclass and prestigious. She was there, and we wound up dancing, and wound up in each others' arms for a long while. However, after I got back to campus on Sunday night, my roommate got a text from a friend of this girl saying that apparently she's "terrified" of me. It's probably understandable considering this is her first term at a co-ed school and I doubt she's ever been around guys that much... I saw her in class yesterday morning, but she was visibly trying to put distance between us.

On Saturday, her friend told me that I should slow down somewhat, and I'm seeing her (the friend) in class later today, so maybe I should talk it over with her before I do anything direct.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by Krelian

However, after I got back to campus on Sunday night, my roommate got a text from a friend of this girl saying that apparently she's "terrified" of me.

Terror can be a good sign at the beginning of a relationship. I get that from girls all the time. It means she's been thinking about you a fair bit.

What you need to do is bang on her bedroom window one night and really let her know how you feel.

How ya doing, buddy?

I'll kill you.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Just be patient and let things flow. I mean, you can steer it somewhat. But being calm and cool is the best way in finding out the truth. Besides, women generally can't help giving mixed signals, and that can also ring true sometimes in guys as well.

It is quite possible that she is trying to weed out the possibilities...

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Just say "Hey, look, you wanna go out for coffee?"

PLEASE do not do what so many males do and ask DO YOU LIKE COFFEE. That shit will drive a woman away. Treat the term "go out for coffee" as "go out and get something together", not specifically coffee. However, you can ask if she knows any coffee places around where she is, and then gauge how much she likes that particular idea.

However, it does sound like this girl is only keeping you as emotional carpet. She sees you more as friend material than anything more - or shes just super fuckin mousey about how she goes about things.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I noticed you created this thread on Nov 19, so I guess another question to ask yourself is how you feel this situation is progressing. You've indicated some good advice that your friend gave you which is to take it slow. If nothing else, doing so might make it simpler for you (and her) to figure each other out. It's possible that she's just as confused as you are I suppose.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Progressing...

Well, we've barely talked since Saturday. In fact, until today we hadn't talked at all - It was only midway through class that we got into a conversation; not really an interesting one (about food), but she was smiling - Albeit nervously, but I was happy to actually get some words out of her. I was planning to talk with her over lunch about what had happened on Saturday night, but as soon as I got up to the cafeteria queue, she'd left for one reason or another. Her friend assured me that it wasn't because of me, and I guess I should take that to heart...

Later on, around three hours ago, I encountered her briefly while walking back to my dorm. She smiled and said hi, and I responded, but it was kinda really awkward because I was on my own and she was with friends and I had my ipod on, so I wound up looking like a total dork. Wasn't really an opportune moment to chat because we were heading in opposite directions and she wasn't alone.

Originally Posted by Bolide

It's possible that she's just as confused as you are I suppose.

This is exactly the situation I'm reading. I am unsure as to whether or not she's actually had any encounters with guys in the past - She isn't unattractive at all, but it seems that she has somewhat dominant parents, and this is her first term at a co-ed school, and apparently she's never had many guy friends her age. I'm going to let her wait and figure things out for herself, but I still want to be her friend in the meantime.

Maybe I'm reading everything wrong, but when she invited me back to the other campus for lunch (this was maybe three weeks ago) and then asked if I wanted to head back to her dorm with her, I thought that'd be indicative of something... We wound up sitting around and chatting for a while, but damn, I want it to be like that again, not this whole mutual game of ultra polite cat-and-mouse we've got going on right now. So, all in all, hopefully she should be willing to actually talk to me sometime soon again. Lehah is right; she's very, very shy around most men.

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