Moving in with your significant other

Well, my boyfriend and I had a deep discussion about the prospect of moving in together and it hit an urge to post something here relavent to it.

I've moved in with someone I though whom cared for me deeply a few years ago (zomg, it's been 4.5 years ago already, no wonder I'm growing old), which in the end, didn't turn out so pretty. It was stressful enough as it is trying to get through school financially being on my own and trying to make a living with very little income (granted the house was his parents and rent was dirt cheap, that's beside the point).

What are your thoughts on living with your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancee, etc.? What are your ideas of the pro's and con's? What were some of the benefits, the mistakes, the best and the worst?

Discuss...

Jam it back in, in the dark.

statistically... apparently it doubles the chances of divorce in the future... but thats just a statistic and probably a load of crap.

I've thought about it, but never have moved in with someone I'm dating seriously. I never thought it to be a good idea untill at least your engaged.

How ya doing, buddy?

I moved in with my boyfriend stupidly early on in our relationship, which was a tad ill-advised.... Nothing has really changed about our relationship, but moving two apartments' worth of stuff into a single apartment was difficult, and we had to get rid of a lot of things. Fortunately neither of us was particularly attached to the stuff we threw out or gave away (furniture and excess clothing mainly).

Adjusting to having someone underfoot/being underfoot all the time has been the hardest part, but that's our fault for thinking that two people in a one-bedroom apartment was an alright idea. I kind of miss having breathing room. (We're thinking about getting a bigger place, which would solve that problem.)

Those complaints aside, it's been good for both of us, I think; he's busy with work and I'm... well, not busy with anything serious, but it's nice to live together so we get to see each other closer to as often as we'd like.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Azral

statistically... apparently it doubles the chances of divorce in the future... but thats just a statistic and probably a load of crap.

I am of the opinion that it either makes or breaks your relationship.

Moving in with someone is a BIG BIG DECISION. I would always recommend it to ANY couple who thinks they may be together for the longterm. I would also insist that it's best to move in with your fiance before you marry them.

It is a huge test in a relationship. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but when you h ave to work out money issues, living arrangements, and actually MELD the styles of living that each person has formed over time, you've got a potential a-bomb on your hands.

There's a ton of compromise and work involved in moving in with a person. It can be either extremely rewarding or a complete disaster.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

I agree with Sass. It can either be one of the best things you can do in your relationship, or one of the stupidest things.

People think to themselves "Well, I hang out with this person all of the time anyway...", but when you have to live with another person, you can't retreat from them. If you have a falling out, where are you going to go? You also get to know them in ways you never thought possible; all of the little nuances you never get to see when you are out hanging out.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Living with someone is never the same as being with someone all the time like Sass said. Weigh your options, make sure that all of your p's and q's are together and establish vital things that you and your other need to discuss - sleeping, where you will keep things, bills, groceries, maintenence and upkeep, etc etc etc

Living together may sound romantic and seem full of bliss, but the last thing you want is to eat a platefull of crow if everything goes belly-up.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

If you had asked this question 2 years ago, I would have said that living together before marriage was a bad idea. After putting up with the cruel torture known as "roommates", I think that fiancee's should definitely live together before marriage.

First of all, you don't have to worry about combining 2 sets of furniture into one place while you're busy designing the wedding (unless you are only engaged for a couple of weeks). Secondly, you could develop a living style to suit both you and your partner so you won't be totally shocked during the rough early years of marriage. Sass was right about how it could make or break a relationship, which is why I think it's a good idea if you think you want to spend the rest of your lives together.

It's a very bad idea if you're not even engaged yet--unless you plan on never getting married, then there are exceptions--because there's not even a little bit of a guarantee that it could work out. There's no slight sign of promise and you come to the whole idea of what would happen when the relationship is over. Let's say you give away your apartment and live in the other person's apartment. What happens when the relationship turns sour? It's not like they will let you stay in the apartment for a few months while you look for another place to live. They normally--unless they are very sweet and understanding--want you out A.S.A.P. and their name is on the lease, not yours in some cases. Where are you going to stay? If you have a friend or family member that can take you in, then it's a little better than being tossed out onto the street.

I'm all for commited/fiancee's living together, but for those who have been together for a few months, they should think carefully about it. There's one exception where my best friend moved in with her boyfriend a few months into the relationship b/c she had been in multiple slapfights with her roommate, but they are now married and are happier than ever.

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

It is a huge test in a relationship. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but when you h ave to work out money issues, living arrangements, and actually MELD the styles of living that each person has formed over time, you've got a potential a-bomb on your hands.

I totally agree. You may think you know someone until you move in with them. Things you take for granted such as having the thermostat set to a specific temperature or sleeping without any background noise can become the last straw on the camel's back when you haven't slept in a week b/c your significant other can't sleep without his favorite Eminem or Megadeath CD playing in order to drown out the eerie silence.

Originally Posted by ElectricSheep

People think to themselves "Well, I hang out with this person all of the time anyway...", but when you have to live with another person, you can't retreat from them. If you have a falling out, where are you going to go? You also get to know them in ways you never thought possible; all of the little nuances you never get to see when you are out hanging out.

I know what you mean. I had a couple of roommates that stayed in the room ALL THE TIME. I like my privacy, so when I had nowhere to retreat I started going insane and ended up doing things to them that I never though I would do to anyone.

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I lived with my best friend, it was a good experience, I just can't imagine living with someone I'm dating. I think that's what bothers me the most about marriage. See, having your girlfriend/boyfriend stay over every night of the week is different from living together because neither of you have any place else of your own to retreat to when you're both in need of seperation.

Not that silence and retreating into your own little world will solve your problems, but sometimes you need time to cool off and approach things more rationally. That's why it takes force of will to overcome the difficulties you may have with frustration. There's always going to be habits or traits you don't particularly like, that the other person has, that don't become apparent until you live with them.

The thing is, these frustrations won't arise until you've lived together for awhile. Because it WILL be a lot of fun for a while, but then that will eventually give way to routine and that's when it all hangs out.

One thing that would help, I think, is moving in with not just your partner, but maybe another roommate or two. Makes things better, in my opinion. Also, the more roommates you have, the easier it would be to get a bigger place. Something about having other people in the house makes it unconfined, you don't ever feel "trapped" with the other person. If they're also friends of yours or you become friends, if you do need to vent, there's always someone to help you with that.

Like I said before, I've never truly shared a place with anyone I've been in a relationship, but I've had relationships where she would basically live at my place and having other roommates made it a lot more fun.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

I don't believe in stats. It's just a number and that number has no effect on you personally. Just because 50% of people divorce doesn't mean you will too. Everyone is different.

My boyfriend and I do not live together but are planning to do so very soon. We work together and I see him for 90% of the day, weekdays and weekends. We do everything togther and although most people would consider that a badthing in terms of "getting sick of the other person", we've been together 3 years and it never gets dull. It's almost liek we do live together and people can say that, because of how much we see each other, it will ruin the relationship, I just laugh. No one knows how close we are and how much fun we have. He doesn't have to spend all that time with me but he does. He always wants us to go out and do something together.

Just don't let anyone tell you otherwise and don't even bother looking at stats. It's up to you and your boyfriend to make it work. I'm sure you will do fine ^_^

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Belladonna

My boyfriend and I do not live together but are planning to do so very soon. We work together and I see him for 90% of the day, weekdays and weekends. We do everything togther and although most people would consider that a badthing in terms of "getting sick of the other person", we've been together 3 years and it never gets dull. It's almost liek we do live together and people can say that, because of how much we see each other, it will ruin the relationship, I just laugh. No one knows how close we are and how much fun we have. He doesn't have to spend all that time with me but he does. He always wants us to go out and do something together.

You know, in your case living together might be a bad idea. I am the complete opposite to you; I barely see my boyfriend throughout the week. At most I'd see him 2 or 3 times a week to go to dinner or watch a movie once in a while. But we definitely don't see each other 24/7. Some days will go by with just a 2 minute phone conversation, and then we might talk for about an hour or so the next day. It depends, but it's sparce how much we actually spend time together.

My previous "serious" relationship started off like you; my ex and I would spend 90% of the time together, and for a good 8 months, we had our own apartments but were at each other's place every night of the week. However, once we've moved in together in the same house and shared a bedroom, things started to change. His living habits irritated the crap out of me, although it never really bothered me when I wasn't "officially" living with him.

Originally Posted by Belladonna

Just don't let anyone tell you otherwise and don't even bother looking at stats. It's up to you and your boyfriend to make it work. I'm sure you will do fine ^_^

Thanks. It helps to think that there's hope. But yeah, I think it might be safer to weigh out some options first.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

If you're that worried, go on a (long, cheap) vacation together first?

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

This isnt exactly the same, but I lived on the same floor as my girlfriend freshmen year of college. After dating about 3 months, I spent a lot of time in her room, pretty much sleeping over every other night. It is convenient to spend a lot of time with her and be so close but its hard to get privacy. In addition, all the small mannerisms that people don't show in public emerge which is not always the best.

But in all honesty, if two people are good for one another, I feel that you can overlook the small problems and work things out. Afterall, depending on how serious things get, living together might be inevitable.

And like How Unfortunate says, maybe you should test out the living situation with a short vacation.

Speaking of which, Jpshorty, why arent you around GFF as much ;_;

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by Belladonna

I don't believe in stats. It's just a number and that number has no effect on you personally. Just because 50% of people divorce doesn't mean you will too. Everyone is different.

Super easy to say you don't believe in stats when you think you're not one of them.

Quote:

My boyfriend and I do not live together but are planning to do so very soon. We work together and I see him for 90% of the day, weekdays and weekends. We do everything togther and although most people would consider that a badthing in terms of "getting sick of the other person", we've been together 3 years and it never gets dull. It's almost liek we do live together and people can say that, because of how much we see each other, it will ruin the relationship, I just laugh. No one knows how close we are and how much fun we have. He doesn't have to spend all that time with me but he does. He always wants us to go out and do something together.

You're rather idealistic, aren't you. Do you think that because you spend all your waking time together that you're going to be able to manage a household easily? Because believe me. It's not as easy as you think it is. There are bills to be split, issues to be resolved, and no matter how much you love your significant other, sometimes you get to an impasse.

And I am sure people out there are pretty sure that they're very close to their partner too. "No one knows how close we are and how much fun we have" says absolutely NOTHING about living together.

Because a relationship isn't about fun alone. Its about difficulties too.

Quote:

Just don't let anyone tell you otherwise and don't even bother looking at stats. It's up to you and your boyfriend to make it work. I'm sure you will do fine ^_^

The stats speak volumes. But I don't think they're quite planning on getting married from what I read in the first post.

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Originally Posted by Belladonna

My boyfriend and I do not live together but are planning to do so very soon. We work together and I see him for 90% of the day, weekdays and weekends. We do everything togther and although most people would consider that a badthing in terms of "getting sick of the other person", we've been together 3 years and it never gets dull. It's almost liek we do live together and people can say that, because of how much we see each other, it will ruin the relationship, I just laugh. No one knows how close we are and how much fun we have. He doesn't have to spend all that time with me but he does. He always wants us to go out and do something together.

Exactly these thoughts are why a couple moves together. They think that since they spend the whole time with each other anyway, they might as well really spend their life together.
Most people value their freedom the most and are not yet aware of how much of it they would lose, when they really live together. That most people enjoy seeing each other everyday, even waking up with one another is because they choose so. If either side was being force to do something against their will, which will surely happen when people live together, this relationship will slowly break.
Well, I don't know your relationship, but just don't underestimate free will. All happiness is based on that.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I don't think the worry should be so much about moving togehter to begin with, but rather, can you live with the idea of giving up 80% of your income for the general cost of living? If you are a homemaker, can you settle on the fact you need to invest 80% of your time to household upkeep? Now that is the make-or-break decision. Those figures may not be that extreme in most cases (espically in younger couples without children), but if you can live with those figures, then you are ready to live with your significant other.

As far as moving in together goes, you have to be completely straight up honest from the beginning of what your expectations will be. I moved in with a roommate (not a sig other, but same type of scenario), and he never did the dishes, never cleaned the bathroom, never vacuumed the floors, would drink all of my alcoholic beverages, etc.. Obviously I went through a solid year of misery, but that is because I took my roommate for granted. Tell him/her that you expect to share chores, share real estate, and negotiate accordingly. Sometimes women demand the entire closet in the master bedroom for themselves, and sometimes men demand a recliner they can call their own. The key is communication before the follow through. Only time will tell if the relationship was meant to be. Also, the last key that many couples forget while getting bogged in the miscommunication, the nagging, and the general comfort zone adjustment is the need for crazy carnal sex. Sex will usually help forget about the current problems, if just for a pause of time.

Good luck!

FELIPE NO

It's very easy to say such things when you are looking at the relationship from the outside. No one here knows either of us or knows how we are. We know our future, we have it planned out. He is older than I am and he wants to settle down. I am very mature for my age and I am not one of those to go out and "play the field". People can judge me all they want. That's the kind of person I am, that is what I want in life. I have found someone that I am completely happy with. We have gone on tons of vacations staying in hotels for a week or more. We've done it so many times that we get a glimpse of what life under the same roof would be like. It's not like we are just going to jump into a house and have no idea what to expect. We have spent a ton of time together away on vacation.

I don't believe in stats no matter what anyone says. Just because it's s stat doesn't mean you are bound to be a part of it. There are tons of couples out there who have stayed together with that one person their entire lives. If anyone knows who The Cure is, singer Robert Smith married his high school sweetheart and they have been together for ages. My grandparents are both 74 and they celebrated their 50th anniversary almost 3 years ago. A stat is a stat. It doesn't mean it's a sure bet you'll be the latest negative stat.

I know what it feels like to be "free" and what it feels like to be "tied down" and frankly, I'd prefer to be in his company. I don't have to go everywhere with him and do everything with him at all. If he wants to go to the bar with his buddies, I let him. If I want to go see my mom and go shopping, I do it. It's not liek we have to do every single thing togther and look at each other every waking moment. If we want to do our own thing, we do it. A relationship shouldn't be entirely about being tied down. You should also include freedom time as well. It's a balance that every relationship should have.

As for bills, we split them right now anyways. There's a cell phone bill, which is a couples plan,a TV bill, a grocery bill and a dog bill that is split evenly. We already have bills planned out for when we move in. Trust me, we aren't unprepared at all. It's a process that has been in the works for some time now. ^_^

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

Because a relationship isn't about fun alone. Its about difficulties too.

The stats speak volumes. But I don't think they're quite planning on getting married from what I read in the first post.

Couldn't have agreed better, Sass. I think a relationship is more valued from all the difficulties you over come rather than the "lubby dubby" stuff that people short sightedly go for.

And yes, we're not planning on getting married anytime soon. It's a matter more of perspective, sort of like a "what if?" thing. The biggest question we ask ourselves is "are we ready for this?" and usually, 7 times out of 10, the answer is more likely "no." In my case, I've already had a relationship go sour after living with someone, so I'm very hesitant to go through that again, even if I do know that circumstances are completely different.

What allures me to the idea of living with him is seeing him more often. I said before that I see him maybe 2 or 3 times a week (usually 2, 3 if I'm lucky). However, I think even if I did say yes if he asked, I'd still want my own room. I like having my space. I like having time alone in my room after a long, hard day at work. If I feel depressed, I like just the quietness of my room and just typing away or reading. I can't sleep with the light on. I can't sleep if it's noisy. I like my privacy when I'm changing clothes and I like to take my time about it. It's little things like that make me feel that my own space under a shared roof is more beneficial than completely jumping across the line.

Works differently for everyone. But yeah, I can agree with Sass that more likely you'll be surprised you'll run into a lot more difficulties than just the "oh I get to live with the man of my dreams" type fantasies.

Double Post:

Originally Posted by Hydelloon

And like How Unfortunate says, maybe you should test out the living situation with a short vacation.

Speaking of which, Jpshorty, why arent you around GFF as much ;_;

MMmmm, I'm not sure if the vacation thing can be used as a good measurement for how well you can live together. Typically while you're on vacation, you're not likely to have the amount of chores you have to do around a household. You have less responsibilities in a hotel compared to what you have at home that you're obligated to take care of.

And why I haven't been here is because for the last year or so there's been nothing to do for me except work 50 hours a week, go to school part time, play WoW just to talk to my boyfriend and some other RL friends, and then sleep. =P Lame excuse, I know, but it's nice to know I'm still remembered. Thanks.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

If you're really serious about your boyfriend, I think living together is an absolutely essential part of the process. The massive divorce rate is largely because of people rushing into marriage without actually giving it much though. You really have to know the person you're making that deal with, and to that end, it is crucially important that you spend time with them as a co-occupant.

If living together increases the likelihood of divorce, it's only because it means incompatible couples lose their patience with one another much faster; living together means the 2-5 year deterioration begins well before actually tying the knot. This is very important and should be encouraged, because it's cheaper and more sensible to realize that you can't spend your entire life with this person BEFORE any actual marriage takes place.

Just be careful not to get knocked up. That's the other ugly part of divorce.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I remember once a friend of mine moved in with her boyfriend. She stayed with him for awhile, maybe like three or four years. The bad part about the whole thing is that he was a momma's boy. They never moved into their own place because his mother didn't want them to. Also, he didn't really want to marry her because she was already there. He figured if she was already in his house, why marry her. In short, he became lazy and complacent, according to her. She ended up leaving him.

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Since majority of you live in western countries, I assume living together with your fiancee is a normal thing. But no, If we did that in my country, we risk ourself of being banned by the family. It's just not our culture to live together before marriage, especially in chinese family. Sleepin' with your dating friend? I dont even want to think about it. Sorry if I had some culture shock here.

I agree with the idea we could use moving with your bf/gf as a trial for longterm relationship though.

How ya doing, buddy?

I'm thinking about it, with my new BF. But we only known each other for a short while, so I don't want to rush to anything yet. Meanwhile he sleeps at my place every WE.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Well, if you think it's going to get really serious with a person, moving in is a logical step. Well, more than that, I believe it's a necessary step, because you don't want to jump into an engagement, or worse, a marriage if you've never even lived day in and day out with someone for at least a few months. It can be scary and sometimes it doesn't work out, but if it does, your love for each other will be stronger, and different in a way. I think love evolves into more of a great appreciation for each other's company, when you're with the person all the time.

A lot of people say you really need to get to know the person's habits and see what annoys you about them, but honestly, if you know someone well and have spent more than a date with them at a time, you probably know most of these things and accept them. What moving in really shows is tolerance for each other, and most importantly, living with each other when you're not "on", when you're tired and groggy from work. Heh, yeah WORK is a good test. A true test of a relationship is living with each other when one or both of you are working, and you're too tired to try really hard with anything or even have good sex. I always imagined after-work relaxation with my significant other as an awesome thing; cuddling up under the covers while eating popcorn and watching a movie. But, many nights weren't like that. People are agitated after work. They dont want to do anything. A lot of times they'll snap at you. It takes a lot of compromise to make things work.

Of course, you know all of this, as you've done this whole bit before. Not trying to necessarily give you advice Shorty, because it seems you only wanted to start discussion about this (I'd imagine you would have put this in ANGST for advice). But if you're looking for an opinion, move in with the guy if you're looking for something serious. Best of luck to you.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by Azral

statistically... apparently it doubles the chances of divorce in the future... but thats just a statistic and probably a load of crap.

I've thought about it, but never have moved in with someone I'm dating seriously. I never thought it to be a good idea untill at least your engaged.

Stats and charts are for people that can't think for themselves.

Awwww, you and leon are moving in together... or thinking of it..

here's my advise. Why not trying living with the other person for a while.. Ask his parents if you can move in for a couple of weeks just to see if you like it.. I mean because i know you guys spend alot of time together and all but I bet there are little things that he probably does that you haven't seen him do that might get on your nerves- Toilet seat up, clothes on the floor, whatever..

So this way you can see the other side of him that you haven't been exposed to and see if you like it or not?

I moved in with my ex and foundout she was a pig... *sigh*

FELIPE NO

Well, Furby, maybe you should have asked her about how neat she was.

You know, I believe those statistics. That just comes from personal observation and what I've been told by people who help others with their relationships. And you know something, living together IS NOT THE SAME as marriage. Marriage is a commitment. Living together is "well, I'll try it out and if it doesn't work, I'll quit". It's a fake marriage with an escape hatch for those who don't want to work at their relationship and make compromises. It's for quitters. There will ALWAYS be differences between any two people. Thing is, if you are merely living together, it gives the feeling that you can leave for the smallest reason. If you are actually married, and formally committed, only something major like an abusive personality should be reason enough to end the relationship. You can see if you're basically compatible through conversation.

Bottom line: If you're thinking about living together, that probably means you want a long-term relationship. Make sure you have common values, goals, etc. If you do, you might as well just marry each other. You will need to get used to each other's living styles but if you talk about them before it shouldn't be a big deal. There's no reason to live together before marriage.

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I did ask her and I saw how she kept the house when I was coming over... but I didn't know that unless it was a "special" occassion she won't clean..

Jam it back in, in the dark.