Writing by Smelnick

Aside from the fact that I couldn't read it past the first half of page 1 I can tell you this.

I think you need to take a look at how you think, how you talk, and how you write and try to make them different. Reading your writing was like listening to someone trying to describe something but going on unimportant tangents every other sentence.

Don't worry about the details when you're trying to get some sort of plot down in writing. If you're trying to describe events don't try to remember what song the band was playing in writing. That part was just awkward for me.

Also why would the bouncer recognize you if you later imply that you've never even been to that bar? Maybe I should have read further, I don't know.

Also the description of the bar was not so good. First you say its shadey then you say it was bright and colourful and also had a young band playing covers of new songs. Consistancy, my friend.

You can take my words with a grain of salt if you wish, I'm nowhere near "good" when it comes to writing but I hope this helps. Good luck~

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