Exploding Garrmondo Weiner Interactive Swiss Army Penis

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- - Writing by Smelnick (http://www.gamingforce.org/forums/showthread.php?t=20070)

Writing by Smelnick

I tried to find a section that was dedicated for writing. But I guess thats this place. Creators Cafe. So basically this will be a thread that I'll post various pieces of writing that I create. For now I just have one to post. Feel free to critique anything that you feel like critiqueing. No flaming please. Keep it constructive. Thankyou.

This is a poem that I wrote one day. Just outta the blue. Was bored and just started writing. I think it came out okay.

Spoiler:

As I get them onto my computer and saved as word documents I'll be adding more. I have a decent few

Iambic tone, sir, is your friend,
Read first aloud before you send,
Mix all your words in a nice blend,
With that advice, this prose I end.

No one really uses iambs anymore; at least when they write it. Iambs are more for analysis and criticism. So a friend told me anyhow. Thankyou for your comment however; I did reread and I found a few places where I can make a few word changes and then it'll be less tongue twisted.

Sounds like you have/had a crush on your teacher.

Zerg talks funny.

Not a crush on my teacher. Its supposed to be a poem about my father really. long story.

To me, it sounds more like a love poem written by a secret admirer. A bit creepy...:><:

Yah I guess it does if you don't know the history behind my father. Hmm. That just makes it cooler

Heres another edition to my writing thread. This is something I wrote one boring day. I was feeling down about something. Usually writing helps me get over stupid shit. So here it is

Spoiler:

Description overload.
The first sentance has way too much description. It gets to a point where it just becomes tiresome rather than eloquent.

I like the intent of the paragraph, but it wasn't formed very well. Also, I'd reread it again. You said that the scenery was not unknown to the character, however you say "in fact, so unknown is it, that it is etched upon his unfocused eyes." That doesn't make sense. It contradicts itself.

Yah, I did the contradictory thing on purpose actually. Hidden meaning. Yah, I do tend to be pretty wordy with things that I write. I can try rewording the sentences a bit.

Here's something I wrote a little while ago. Last fall I guess. Hopefully it isn't horrible. Suggestions are welcome of course.

Sorry dude and no offense but your writing is pretty terrible. =/

Well, I can take criticism. However, I do hope to improve, so perhaps a few suggestions? What was it that you didn't like? Was it the grammar? The topic? Some specifics would be a little more constructive.

Aside from the fact that I couldn't read it past the first half of page 1 I can tell you this.

I think you need to take a look at how you think, how you talk, and how you write and try to make them different. Reading your writing was like listening to someone trying to describe something but going on unimportant tangents every other sentence.

Don't worry about the details when you're trying to get some sort of plot down in writing. If you're trying to describe events don't try to remember what song the band was playing in writing. That part was just awkward for me.

Also why would the bouncer recognize you if you later imply that you've never even been to that bar? Maybe I should have read further, I don't know.

Also the description of the bar was not so good. First you say its shadey then you say it was bright and colourful and also had a young band playing covers of new songs. Consistancy, my friend.

You can take my words with a grain of salt if you wish, I'm nowhere near "good" when it comes to writing but I hope this helps. Good luck~