[DnD] Tomb of Horrors (GFF D&D Adventure X)

1 Die Roll Perception on entrance

I sighed and rubbed the bridge of my nose as we approached the temple. Yes, yes. Surely the sages knew exactly what they were doing. The last time they sent us after an archlich it turned out to be some snot nosed half-orc and his three goth friends trying a summoning ritual they read in orque beat magazine. I let my mind wander to thoughts of breaking each of the sage's law signing fingers. One by one. I smiled a little.

The familiar squish of wet cemetery mud under my boots brought my attention back to the task at hand, though. It took the whole of my considerable self-control not to balk when I saw the motley group we were approaching. Sages, it is good to remember, are assholes. And they seemed to enjoy proving it time and time again. As I walked past Gra, I muttered under my breath...

"If it is a lich, and it probably isn't, but if it is, whichever of us gets his head drinks free."

I approached the group while Gra started poring over the opening. I pointed at myself. "Sam." And jerked a finger at my partner. "Grape-fra-oot." I didn't wait for too many introductions. In this line of business, when you learned names the person was generally dead too quick for it to ever be of any actual use. I'd remember names if they did something useful. Or at least suitably flashy. At least this group seemed more able than the usual group of glorified farmers with rakes.

As I approached the entrance, I let my senses take over, feeling more than looking for anything out of the ordainary. The place had the slight smell of decay and death. Maybe this would be fun after all. I dropped Gladys into the left hand covered by my light shield, my rapier sliding into my right. For queen and country and all that.

Perception check. 4 + 8 = 12. Allow us to stick with passive perception and call it 18.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

No time for literature at the moment. Sam joins the team. Flips said switch. Is quiet but inside makes clever commentary.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

2 Dice Rolls Check on room

As I was pulled from the pit, the gems in my pocket and the chest in my hand, I let a string of curses fly. Nothing like getting a bloody nose thirty seconds into the damn dungeon crawl. Clearly not my greatest moment. As I splayed out on the ground, bleeding quietly, I caught my breath, checking the chest for traps and then tossing it open as I sucked it up on a magnificent scale.

"I am getting too old for this shit."

On the plus side, maybe this meant there was something here. Not a lot of deadly spiked pit traps in empty crypts. Well there were, but clearly, if I fell for it, then there was magic at work. Ahem. After catching my air, I sat, watching the steps of those going before me closely. If they found anything worth checking out, I was happy to help. But I didn't have the reach. So instead I focused on not dying and keeping an eye out for traps.

Boost back up to full health.
Pocket gems. Check the box for traps. (23) If none, open chest.
Check room for visible traps.(20)

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Sam peers down passage, looking for traps as he edges towards the door, listening for any sort of indicative sound.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

4 Dice Rolls *Sneak attack

It was more guts than sense that saved me. When that damned fool splintered the door, I'd ducked my head, using the brim of my hat to shield my eyes from the splintering wood. Even before I heard the shriek, something deep inside told me hell was coming my way. Call it a lifetime of experience with things trying to rip your face apart, and only half of them being dames. Point was, I ducked. The stone claw caught my hat, tossing it down the hallway. Sure, I was happy my head wasn't attached, but mostly I was just mad about my hat.

I admit, normally I'm quicker on he uptake than this, but let's see you not get a little slackjawed when a giant cow screams in agony. I didn't know the fella, but he certainly didn't deserve that sort of pain. Well maybe he did, but at the moment he wasn't trying to kill me, and the big stone monster was.

Hot red blood splattered my face. Suddenly I wanted a nice beef stroganoff. More than that, though, I wanted this thing the hell away from me. We could stop by a steakhouse later. I glanced at the cow. Most of us could stop by a steakhouse later. Gritting my teeth, I caught eyes with Clementine the Cow just long enough to make sure he understood the idiotic plan I'd just concocted. I was going to play distraction to a giant stone monster.

This was not the dumbest thing I'd done today.

I felt this is something I should meditate on. And I would. If we survived this.

I darted forward, my blade lashing out angrily at the legs of the monster.

I felt the steel catch air, and sharply changed my trajectory, spinning away from another lashing claw and looking to drive my blade deep into the creature's gut.

Opening Move hits. Damage with Sneak Attack = 20.

I felt the blade catch flesh, and used it to spin myself away. It wasn't as good a strike as I'd hoped. A bee sting to a bear. The situation called for some profanity, so I used some. My momentum put me back or less where I'd started from, but in a more defensive posture. I just hoped I'd opened up the chance for the bovine to do some extra damage.

Sneak in the Attack to Shin. (SHIN. ROLL ANOTHER 2d6 FOR YOUR DAMAGE.) Encounter spent.
Low Slash. Miss. Encounter Spent.
Opening Move hits. 4 damage. 9 sneak attack. Encounter spent.

Final Adjustments:
Shin needs to roll 2d6 extra damage.
Gargoyle takes 20, the easy way.
Sam gets +5 to AC and Reflex until the end of his next turn.

I was speaking idiomatically.

4 Dice Rolls *fucking dmg rolls

This beast was going to need a bit of the hard touch. I'd fought stone before, but this rock seemed to be especially difficult to bring down. Snapping my rapier back into its scabbard, I flipped the crossbow to my shootin' hand and pulled Gladys with the other. It was nice to know there was at least one dame in this world you could rely on. She may not be a looker, but she was one hell of a dance partner.

I saw my new friend knock the gargoyle back towards the pit. I wasn't sure what exactly a short fall would do to a creature that could fly, but hell. He was new, and I didn't have any better ideas. So I decided to help by stealing the creature's attention. I decided the thing that could always pull my attention away from things, a good book, a nice drink, was being shot. Maybe he was the same. Let's find out.

Snap Shot Miss

The crossbow sailed wide. How do you miss something that big? I allowed myself a moment to shake my head in disdain at my own ineptitude. Why did I have to aim for the eye? Why not go for the huge body? Because it was badass, that's why. I flipped gladys and the crossbow. Maybe my fair lady could make more of an impression. Or at least a few depressions.

Shotgun hit. Damage with Sneak attack and the ward +2 = 21. Damage rolls hate me.

The shotgun struck home, sending dust and pebbles scattering everywhere. However, the monster didn't look that impressed. So I decided not to look very happy, just to spite him. I mumbled under my breath as I wandered down the hall, something about how whatever god it was that was mad at me for using their name wrong, or urinating on their temple, or any other number of things I probably did when I was drunk and/or really drunk, could back off. I got the message. I retrieved my hat, dusted it off, put it back on and looked back towards where the battle was raging on. I thought for a moment about how this was getting ridiculous. But then I thought again. No. Not ridiculous.

"This is getting stupid."


Snap Shot spent.
Dragon FP spent, must reload.
All weapon swaps done via armor power.
Total damage = 14 for power + 5 for sneak attack + 2 for that ward thing = 21
Move to E-5

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

1 Die Roll RELOAD

I was ready to reload and fire my two-handed crossbow, but as I raised the beast to my shoulder, thought something about wondering if he felt lucky, punk, I saw him disappear out of my sights thanks to Garold. The loud thump made me think he was back in the pit. I shrugged, sighed, set the crossbow on its hip clip, drew my pistol and set about trying to reload the sawed off beast. Which proved more difficult than you might think, what with the image of a cow running infront of the corridor screaming something about Beffamania.

I dropped the powder and picked it up, slowly wandering closer to the corner to get a better view of the carnage.


Reload Superior Crossbow
Stow and pull Dragon FP as per armour power
Fail to reload Dragon FP
Saunter to F-2

FELIPE NO

At work. No time for narrative. Approaching the new room, using perception and thievery to check for traps, mechanisms, and/or swedish murder machines. Not setting foot in there first. Already fell down one pit.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

As I watched the cow escape her trance, and Uxig enter his, I sighed inwardly. Right. Vision room. Okay. Sure. Done these before. I ran across one of these in an arch-wizard's abode. I'd walked into his library, and suddenly I was standing at the base of a giant castle being yelled at by an angry frenchman. Something about a grail. I muttered under my breath as I stepped towards the far side of the room,

"I swear to Oghma, if someone asks me anything about a swallow, I'm going to punch someone."

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I took off my hat, using it to fan myself as I sat down on the edge of the river. I rolled up my pant legs and let them dangle in the cool water for a long few minutes as I thought about the problem. My initial reaction was to do precisely what my first reaction always was when a drow was involved. Drown the drow. But, as I'd learned so very long ago, riddles like this were never that simple. Luckily, puzzles were something I was good at. My race had a natural inclination towards riddles and word problems. Add into that the fact I solved riddles for a living, and I thought I might have a pretty good shot at this.

So, after I'd had my fill of sun and water, and gotten over my driving desire for a nice, tall glass of milk, I laid back, my hands under my head and told the Goliath lady the answer to her problem.

"What you have here, see, is a matter of logistics. And logistics ain't no thing to be discussing on a beautiful day like this. I'd offer you a nice roll in the hay, but you're even more imaginary than most of the women I wind up with. Albeit I always wanted a really tall girl. Speaking of logistics.

But no, we've a job to do, I suppose, don't we, beautiful? All right. My climbing fetish will have to wait.

Okay then, your first trip, you take the elf, leaving the drow and the orc. You leave the elf over there, and come on back to my side.

Your second trip, you take the drow, leave him there, return with your elf, leaving him on my side. You still with me? Good. This is complicated, and I might confuse myself.

Third trip, you take the orc from my side, ferry him across to the drow, leave him there. So now your drow and your orc are waiting happily as you come back, pick up the elf, and you can all go on your happy little death march."

I was loathe to open my eyes, because I knew it wouldn't be a nice, calm brook, but rather an ugly dungeon without a tall woman, with legs up to the sky and body art. I did so love body art. No, I would have a cow, and a guy who is on fire. So much less fun. Balls.

On the plus side, maybe when we got back to town, after I killed a lich, I could find me a nice goliath woman of questionable moral fiber and a joy of mountaineering. Then I could have my fun AND have murdered a lich. Yeah. That' the ticket.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

The cow wandered into the room to make pleas. I was unable to get past my initial shock of what I'd just heard. As such, I threw my hat on the ground and yelled after the two elves, who despite being shockingly gay, were still no more gay than most normal elves.

"SERIOUSLY? BETWEEN THE TWO OF US YOU THINK HE'S THE TOP? COME ON. HE PRACTICALLY WEARS A SIGN THAT SAYS I'M A POWER BOTTOM!"

This? This right here? This is why I hate elves. Not that I'm gay. I mean, at least not all the way. We've all gotten drunk and gone home with a half-orc. And god knows that gender choice is a coin flip, at best. Also, at that point, does it even matter? But elves just have no sense of sexual placement. I'm butch, goddamnit. And if I'm going to be gay, I'm going to be a goddamned top.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I was just waiting patiently to see if Beefi could find a way down. I tied the rope and tossed it to Garold.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

"Nope."

I had.

I was speaking idiomatically.

2 Dice Rolls acrobatic recovery

(Delay action until the tile is clear to approach without knocking someone flying)

I never much liked water. It was a stark reminder of how much liquid there was in the world that hadn't been converted to whiskey yet. I shrugged and decided to tight rope across the line that had been strung. Not so much because I didn't think I could jump it, as it would just be flat out cooler.

15+4 = 19 prolly a fail, god fuck you so fucking hard fucking dice.

As I slipped, I tried to snatch the rope on the way by with my hands, hoping to hand over hand it to the damned tile instead.

15+6 = 21? Fail or pass, fuck dice.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Enter puzzle room via climbing down chain/rope. Will add more on puzzle when I get home after work.

FELIPE NO

I grumbled but, as noted, I was the only one of the proper size to fit that hole.

"Tighter than your mother, Grapefruit."

I chuckled at my own joke as I took the lantern and peered down the passage.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

I managed to slide further up the tunnel, being as quiet and halflingy about it as I could. I kept the light near my side, rather than in front of me, to provide me with light without shedding too much to indicate my presence before I wanted people to know I was there. Luckily for me and the cow, I was a sneaky motherfucker.

If I died, though, I wanted no one to have my stuff. As I was a miserly sommbitch.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

1 Die Roll OPENING MOOOOOOVE

As I streaked past my rather stunned looking ally, I managed to yell out: "YOU NEVER POKE A CHEST UNTIL WE'VE GATHERED OUR PARTY TO VENTURE FORTH!" And I promptly dove at the skeleton, looking to make him dead-er.

Of course I missed entirely, swinging my sword between his ribs. Would have killed a real boy. Just saying.

"Shit" I thought.

"Shit" I muttered, staring up at the big skeleton. "Parlay?" I intoned, with a slight shrug.

Move to BO -3 to set up flank. Miss with a 21 vs ac. Give what's his face the use of my sneak in the attack as a minor. Can use my sneak attack dice.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I managed to deflect the incoming attack. For some reason I got the feeling the gods were annoyed. As if something had interrupted their plans. I allowed myself a tiny little smile, and then promptly looked up at the towering skeleton. I heard hissing from the boxes. You know what? Tactical retreat.

Shift to BN-3 and sprint back down that corridor like a MOTHERFUCKER OUT OF THE WAY BEEFI HOLY FUCK FIGHT THEM THERE SO I DON'T HAVE TO FIGHT THEM HERE JESUS SNAKES.

How ya doing, buddy?

Surges to full. Return to room.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

3 Dice Rolls damage

I shuffled back into the room just in time to see the huge skeleton loom up in front of me. It brought back horrible memories of losing my virginity to an anorexic with anger issues. Then it uttered the exact same words she had uttered so very long ago.

"You again?"

Something inside me snapped. My eye twitched, and then so did my trigger finger. The only thing drowning out my scream was the belching of the weapon as it spread hot metal into the skull of ol' skull and bones. I decided that wasn't quite enough, promptly dropped my gun, snapped up my crossbow and resisted every urge to scream SAY HALLO TO MAH LEETLE FRIEND as I twanged a bolt into its thigh.

"GODDAMNIT. I LOVE DUNGEONS. I HAVE TO HIGH FIVE THIS WARLOCK WHEN WE MEET HIM."

My ears still ringing from the shotgun blast in this enclosed room, I may have been speaking a little louder than I'd intended. A grin split my face as I adjusted my hat with the end of the reloading crossbow.

"THAT FELT GREAT. REALLY CATHARTIC."

Fire dragon FP. Free action to drop it. Free action (armour) to draw crossbow. Snapshot. Move to BK2.

Damage: 31 + 9 = 40.

How ya doing, buddy?

5 Dice Rolls *sneak attack

I dropped the crossbow, waiting for the skeleton to slide up closer to me. Playing dumb had drawn him in. I'd set a few mummies free to get my hands on that monstrosity all day every day. As soon as he was close enough, my blade flicked out with all the force and lethality of a viper. The initial attack flying under what was left of his jaw, I followed it up with a spinning strike to what was left of his knees. I'd hoped to unbalance him over the chest, sending him splaying out on the ground for my allies. I'd settle for a good thrashing a few times in this fight. I felt solid bone under my blade, a little smirk coming to my lips as I added in a small slap to his face as he went past. Sure, I could have stabbed him for more damage, but that lacked a certain... style. I adjusted my hat as the creature stumbled towards the chest.

"When this is done, boy, I'm keeping your skull and turning it into an ash tray."


Draw sword free action.
Sneak in the attack connects. 8 + 5 = 13 damage.
Low Slash connects. 7 + 5 = 12 damage.
Slide one square towards B0-3. Hopefully knock prone over the chest.
Shift BM-5
Sneak attack damage = 6
TOTAL DAMAGE = 31.

NEXT ALLY CAN ADD SNEAK ATTACK DAMAGE TO SKELETON.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

3 Dice Rolls *sneak attack

Murray the sarcastic talking skull seemed momentarily distracted by the fray around him. I took the opportunity to slide around behind him, launching myself upwards and drawing my blade severely down across the back of his spine. As I saw him arch painfully, I added a quick, but solid, slam of an elbow into the back of his knee. I slid back, coiling myself, ready for the return salvo that was sure to be coming. I used the handguard of my rapier to nudge the brim of my hat upwards, smirking quietly.

Easy there, Jack. You're looking a little wobbly on your toothpicks.

People always told me there was something wrong with a man who only really enjoyed himself when his life was being spilled, but I always thought there was something wrong with a man who could get excited about anything less. Maybe it was the halfling thing. We were known for being a little... different. Or maybe I was just a twisted son of a bitch. Either way, my brain was already floating towards the joy of disarming that trap. The next thrill. The next high.


Move to skeleton. Keeping it between Sam and trap.
Opening Move hits. 25 damage total including sneak attack.
My AC and Ref defenses are +5 until end of next turn.


FELIPE NO

1 Die Roll disarrrrrrrrm

I casually patted out the last few remnants of flame from my shoulder as I glanced over at my screaming allies.

"Stop being such a pussy. It's just a little fire."

I sighed and then looked up, rolling my eyes as I noticed no one had thought of the obvious given the current situation. So I sauntered over to the trap, adjusted my cap, licked my lips, and flicked the switch on the side to the "off" position.

"Seriously. No one but me thought of that?"

I might be a tough as nails fantasy detective, but man. Sometimes you just had to laugh. In a hard boiled fashion. Probably choking back a bit of anger over some dame who broke your ticker. Women.

second wind. Move adjacent to trap. ACTION POOOOOOOINT. attempt to disarm trap.

DISARRRRRRRRMED.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

I had one thing I wanted from this battle. One very important thing. I picked up the skull and asked it:

"S'allright?"

I flapped its dead jaws.

"S'allright."

I attached the new trophy to my belt via a leather strap from my pack. Murray and I were going to be the best of friends.

Most amazing jew boots