friends dictating terms on friendship

Originally Posted by Fjordor

So I have this bipolar friend, who totally spazzes out at the most ridiculous things, gets indignant when someone else around him lacks even the slightest bit of tact and manners, and acts like his opinions alone are the manadate for the entire universe.

Recently, he insulted (possibly very severely; I only got his version of events, which, more than once, has been exponentially tamer than the real version of events) his best friend's fiancee, and his best friend, who is usually very caring, sensitive, and meek, lashes out physically, and uninvites him to the wedding.

Now, I tried talking with him last night, when this happened, and said that he probably shouldn't have said what he said, and I tried to give him a different perspective on the issue that he felt it necessary to insult her (the fiancee) over. He of course gets mad and hangs up.

Today, he calls me and tells me that I told him "this is where you went wrong, that is what you did wrong, this is where you failed," when that is most certainly not what I said. He then feels it necessary to dictate terms upon all friendships, saying that "friends do not tell other friends what they did wrong."
I heartily disagree, but seeing how he is very sensitive to stuff like that, I replied "Well, I do not like how you tell me what I should and should not do as a friend." i didn't even finish that sentence and he hangs up.

He has no sense of manners, tact, or even empathy, and clearly values himself above all other things and people, while at the same time hating himself for it.

What the hell do I do with people like this?

REAL insights would be helpful. Not bogus stuff like "you should bitch-slap that mofo." Thanks.


EDIT/UPDATE: So he called me again and told me that he said "when a friend is struggling and having a hard time emotionally, you do not tell them what they did wrong." Now, I'll grant you that statement is true, but that is most indefinitely not what he said. He then yells back at me, says that I must have misinterpreted what he said, like I do with everything else he says, and I am a worhtless fuck.

Again... how do I deal with this sort of person?

You may not like to hear what I have to say about the matter, but maybe you'll see some sense in it. I hope.

Either lighten up and have some fun with the lunatic, or ditch him compeltely as a friend.

Apparently, he's bipolar. He's prone to have rollercoaster emotions. I would imagine that all involved are AWARE of this? Or hell, maybe that doesn't even matter much! MAYBE he was just PISSED about something and had a really really bad day.

If he's been a friend to you guys, maybe you should reconsider being a crowd of tightasses. The drama sounds like its a little heavy, and you guys could do with some lightning up.

If you can't lighten up about the mean things he said, then ditch him as a friend.

You can't have your cake and eat it too. It's not fair to yourself or to him.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by AliceNWondrland

P.S. Allowing someone to abuse you is never an option. You don't allow someone to call you a "worthless fuck" -- ever. Have some self-respect, Fjordor.

Do you really think that being called a "worthless fuck" is abuse, Alice?

I mean, everyone I know has said it to someone at least once in their lives.

I would never make an issue out of being called a worthless fuck, since it's sheerly a matter of opinion. I would laugh and nod my head, remembering the statement and never do any favors for that person again, since I am so worthless in their eyes! Surely, I could do nothing right!

I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've been called this in my lifetime. It's kind of funny. ^_^

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by AliceNWondrland

Yes, I do. And it's happened to me, too, but that doesn't make it any less "abuse".

The real abuse is internal, though, and happens when someone says something like that to you and you don't do anything about it. Incidentally, you solve that problem the same way I do - by cutting that person off.

Or understand that people say a lot of stupid things when they're pissed.

Thats what I generally do. They usually apologize afterwards anyways, so.

Can I ask you something? And don't get ripshit with me, dear god, please. I am just curious.

Isn't it part of your faith to forgive? I guess it must be leftover from my Catholic days, but you know, I try and forgive anger and things done in anger. I understand how it can feel.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by AliceNWondrland

Well, there's a difference between forgiving someone and letting someone continue to run all over you. You can forgive someone in your heart and understand that people are human and are going to make mistakes sometimes, but once someone has proven themselves to be abusive you're under no obligation to continue to put yourself in harm's way.

In other words, forgiving someone (to me, at least) has more to do with putting aside any hateful feelings about that person than continuing a relationship with them.

Also, I'm big on giving people second chances, but if they've proven time and again that they can't treat me with respect, I simply remove them from my life. It doesn't have to be an ugly scene, and there doesn't need to be any hatred involved. Just...bye-bye.

Again, sheerly out of curiosity (I AM NOT trying to start a fight - please understand): what would you do said person is a parent, sibling, or son/daughter?

Only because I've been in this position about a million times and I know I could NEVER cut off a family member, you know? How would you deal with this?

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?