Girl trouble

Originally Posted by Soluzar

There's just one thing I've learned about situations like these in my life. If she would do things like this while still with her old boyfriend, then you can't trust her. She just might go ahead and do things like this with someone else, while you are her boyfriend. Possibly she may even do more, or be doing more right now with some third party that you don't know about.

Basically she has demonstrated a willingness to be unfaithful. If you're going to play around with someone else, you end your current relationship first. It's a golden rule. The only exception is if your partner knows about it, and is happy about it. An 'open relationship', as they are called.

I contest!!! Sadly, I've been in almost the exact same situation with this chick... and my story ends up with me dumping the boyfriend for the new guy. The "new guy" is still my current boyfriend, after almost 3 years. And no, I haven't even dreamt of being with anyone else. I'm still very much in love with him.

What attracted me away from the boyfriend back then and deciding to court the "new guy" was that he was thoughtful, kind, considerate, and not pushy of any situation at all. If we wanted to kiss, we kissed. It wasn't forced, it just kind of happened as if we were magnetic to each other. If at any point I felt uncomfortable or in the "wait, we shouldn't do this, it's wrong" mode, he'd step back and wait for me to be ready. The biggest part of the "wanting to be in a relationship with the new guy" was because that year, my parents were going through divorce. He'd had gone through his parents' divorce some years earlier, and whenever I was in the midst of having to deal with the peril of it all--he was always there through the most painful times of my life. He was very empathetic with the situation, and it was as if I felt healed just by his presence.

So yeah... my story has a bit more background that supports the "dumping bf for another guy" part, but you never know.

I would agree with Sass that she's toying around with you.

If you want to get over it fast, crash and burn. It stings like hell, but just think of it this way: I tell my girlfriends that breaking up with a guy is like waxing. The moment you hesitate, it hurts ten times more. Just take a deep breath, get it done and yank as fast as you can, and all you feel is stinging. The longer you hesitate or stop inbetween, you have the possibility of skin tearing away slightly and leaving scars; hence the "hurts more and for a longer duration."

I'm not going to tell you what to do or what to say, because whatever anyone else tells you, you just have to follow your gut instincts sometimes. But, I will let you know that what did me in with my current boyfriend was that he cared more about me being happy than anything else. That's right, I fell for the guy that told me he was glad that I was happy being with another guy (even though I was lying). Good luck.

How ya doing, buddy?

Soluzar: Yes, my situation is very much a rare case and thankfully the end result is my boyfriend and I still in a good, loving relationship with each other.

Quote:

...you did what you thought was for the best, and I'm sure that it has yielded positive results in your case, but you began your relationship with your new partner by demonstrating a willingness to be unfaithful to an established partner.

All I am saying is that this should give a person some doubts. ... I believe that the behaviour of a person will usually follow the precedents they have established, unless given a compelling reason to do otherwise.

I completely agree here. It's a VERY fair judgement against me, and I am not afraid to admit it myself.

In the end, after about a month of meeting Leon, I couldn't ignore the fact that I had more emotional value for him than my prior commitment. Does that make me a bad person? I don't know. To the boyfriend at the time, of course!!! But I was being honest with my feelings when I made the decision to cut ties with an already committed relationship to embark on a new one. It wasn't about weighing out which guy was better for me or which guy had the more benefits... It was about me making a decision that I needed the support and affection coming from him more than anything else at that point in my life.

Again, I'll point out that I wasn't the best I could be at this point in my life. I was weak, I was broken, and I needed help. I was fucked up (not like in a drug/alcohol abuse way, but just mentally/emotionally due to stress) but I just couldn't resist the guy who'd take me in his arms and say that "who you are now is a result of your past; I like you for who you are now, regardless of who you were then or what happened in the past because that's part of you." -- what was important to me was that he was willing to take me in and accept me for 100% of who I was, including my past. I had boyfriends prior to him who've said literally, "I'd love you more if you can do ___ better," or something along those lines, so to me, the acceptance factor was a huge part of why I fell for the guy. And because of that, and also because of the fact that my relationship started off as a result of being unfaithful to someone else, I've kept it my moral goal to be truthful to him. Because I was doing something wrong to be with him, I feel that I owe it to him to be good to him. There hasn't been any instances/cases since then where I felt appeals to someone else, so I know I am a very rare case.

Ok, all the above should probably be in my own little "angst" thread or my journal...a bit too much more detail than need be perhaps. But, I thought it might add for at least an interesting discussion to add some perspective from someone who's had the experience of cheating on a guy and ending up with the "other man."


Going back to advising Mod_007: Soluzar is absolutely right that you should be wary of people who would do such things while commited to another. From the looks of it, she values you as a friend she feels she needs to keep close by. If you want her to be your girlfriend, yes, I agree with Soluzar, it would be best she made it clear she has intentions of clarifying the relationship mess prior to engaging in intimacy with you.

And I agree with the majority here, the best for you would probably to do whatever you can to get it out of your system as quickly as possible.

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