Girl trouble
 

I find myself really confused at the moment, this is a really long story. Last month I was in film school, which was at the other end of the country for me and I had met this girl, we hang out every once in a while but not alone, we were always with a group of friends and then I found out I had a crush on her. One time she had asked me to go to a bar with her, so I said yes, but I got nervous and invited a few other friends...oops, yeah. Stupid.

So we all go out and drink, then she drives me and one of my friends home. The next day I hadn't seen her, and all I could think about was her, I couldn't think about anything else, I was trying to do some work on my project but I couldn't, so I went home. I sat on my bed for a few hours feeling like crap, but I knew she worked at the local book store, so I decided to go visit her but half way there I stopped, I was too shy and was scared that me showing up to see her would scare her or something, so I walked back home and couldn't sleep. This went on for a few days.

A week after the bar night, I was working on someone else's film shoot, and she was there, we talked a little but not much, we we're too busy working. At one point, I had to go upstairs to set up a light, after I had set it up, I look down to see if it is doing the desired effect, and at that moment, my heart dropped. I see her and the other friend that she had dropped off the other night, kissing. I just stood there looking,I had no idea what was going on since they never spoke before. I felt like crap the entire night, and I barely put any effort into what I was doing because I couldn't.

I end up working on another film shoot, and she is there but not her new boyfriend, and we had a blast. It was great, but everyday he would show up on set for a few minutes just to make out with her, it was soooo hard for me. So I spent a long time trying to get over her, telling myself that she had a boyfriend now because of my stupidity, apparently he asked her out when she drove him home that one night after dropping me off. So I came to this forum looking for some help and read one thread that people were saying to stop seeing the person, and that's what I did, or I tried anyway.

This one other night we were working on a music video and it was near the end of it and she approached me and asked me if I wanted to skip out with her, since she had to go see a play that her sister was in, and her boyfriend couldn't go cause he was spending the week up on a ski hill. So I said yes, and we went out for supper and then to the play. It was an awesome time, we then we're invited by a friend to go watch a movie at his house, but I wanted to spend more time talking with her, and since she was mad her boyfriend, I asked her if she wanted to go visit her boyfriend on the hill. yes, stupid again, but it was a 2 hour drive there, but she wanted to check if it was okay with our friend so we went over and asked him, but then he got a little upset so she invites him to come along, but he didn't want to go, which made me happy. I felt bad about it since we're really good friends but I really wanted to be with her alone. So we drove up anyway, and had great discussions. Once we got there, it ended up being a horrible night cause they started making out, and he wasn't supposed to return for another few days but he decided to come back with us...so I end up in the back seat and they make out and stuff, good times...

Anyway, time goes and more stuff happens, and then it's the last day of school, and I'm leaving the next day, so we have a premiere for our films with the public and her boyfriend and I are the MC's, was kinda weird, and then one of the films we watched I was sitting down and she wanted to sit on my lap so I said ok, and I noticed her boyfriend eyeing me. I felt really uncomfortable so after the film and doing the MC thing I went back to sit somewhere else, hoping she would leave me alone and she did since her boyfriend went to sit with her.

So then comes the big party at someone's house, and she spent the whole night with me, not her boyfriend, he was too busy getting drunk with some other guys, she cuddles with me and she starts kissing me all over my face and my head, except for my lips, and she kisses my hands and bites my face, I was trying to figure out a way to make it stop since she has a boyfriend but I was really liking it so...I didn't. She then got me up in front of everyone in the room, and we started to dance for a few minutes, then she danced with me slowly towards a bedroom and shuts the door, No, we didn't do that thing, she is catholic after all, but we did spoon and just sweet talk, then she said her feet were cold so I started rubbing them with my feet ( I feel like I'm giving away waaaaayyy to much information, but I think it's probably neccesary) and she tells me how her boyfriend told her he doesn't want a relationship, and a bit more talking, then we walk out of the room, everyone else is pretty much completely drunk or high, so yeah, anyway, freaking weird night.

The next day just before my flight she gives me a present for Christmas and a nice letter. So here I am back home, getting ready to go back up there to get my demo reel and other stuff completed, I'm leaving tomorrow. and I've been thinking about telling her that I love her, and it should be easy for me, mainly because of what happened on that night. I think it's a clear sign that she likes me, but i've waited sooo long, and she still goes out with her boyfriend. So i'm wondering if I should tell her and how and when I should. I feel like utter crap right now, since I'm so scared to tell her, I'm scared that it will scare her away and I will lose our friendship, but I want it to be more then that, and the whole boyfriend thing doesn't help either, I don't want to make it difficult for her or him. It might even be too late to tell her. This sucks... Any help? Sorry for the long story. Hope most of it makes sense.

Okay, sweetiepie. Look. I would have read all of that if it hadn't been one giant paragraph and chock-full of run-ons like this one:

Thats ONE SENTENCE. I have a really hard time understanding what you're trying to say - would you mind editing it so everyone here can understand you a little bit better? I am sure I won't be the only one to bitch about this.

Alright, I TRIED to read that and I THINK I came up with the story: Some girl is jerking you around.

I mean, dude. You need to work on the communication skills, here.

But anyways, you need to get over it. She's jerking you around, she wants the spotlight, and she'll take whatever attention and affection you'll give her - even the bad sort. Get away from her - as far, far, far as you can. She's nothing but a nutjob. She'll do a number on you.

And how old are you, exactly. You're in school you mentioned, but you're some kind of crew on a film? Wanna clear that up for us? I mean, initially, I was thinking you are maybe 15 or so, sounding so confused.

Moving to the Advice Column.

LOL, sorry, I didn't bother re-reading, since it took me forever to write all that. hmm, I suppose I could try editing it, I just don't have much time to do it right and I was trying to put as much in there without making it like 20 pages long. I'll see what I can do. Thanks and sorry about that! :)

Just gho back and hit "enter" a few times at some of the parts, man. It will make understanding it a lot easier, and it will encourage more people to reply. Most people don't want to bother with trying to read all of that.

And I hope you're under 18 with that writing technique (and these kinds of girl troubles). =/

Ok, I hope it's a little better, I didn't do too much, but I really got to go now.

Additional Spam:
hehe, under 18.... I'm 19, I just suck.

There's just one thing I've learned about situations like these in my life. If she would do things like this while still with her old boyfriend, then you can't trust her. She just might go ahead and do things like this with someone else, while you are her boyfriend. Possibly she may even do more, or be doing more right now with some third party that you don't know about.

Basically she has demonstrated a willingness to be unfaithful. If you're going to play around with someone else, you end your current relationship first. It's a golden rule. The only exception is if your partner knows about it, and is happy about it. An 'open relationship', as they are called.

The legend of vampirism isn't from Vlad or from women bathing in the blood of virgins. It's because women are the sex that sucks all the joy out of life, the gender that ruins life and drains all the goodness out of everything on a whim.

Seriously, ditch the bitch

You're so going to die young, LeHah. Did you forget you're a sucker for emotionally vampirical bitches? ;_;

Sound advice. Soluzar's too, though I don't think I would even give the relationship as much weight as he did.

You're being her toy right now, buddy. If you enjoy being a toy, go for it - I know some men do. Just don't get emotionally attached - which you seem to have already done, considering you're considering telling her that you love her, which in itself is evidence that you have no idea how to control your emotions.

Yeah, I've thought about that too, but.. I still like her, I'm thinking she just did that because her boyfriend told her that he didn't want a relationship.

You guys are probably right, but I still want to tell her.

What do you think she would do if I did tell her? I realize the only way I'll ever find out is by telling her but I'm just wondering what you think.

My best guess would be that she'll distance herself from you, in short.

Of course, I can only speculate myself. I figure she'll likely be thinking that she came too close to you (though you pretty much THREW yourself into provoking emotions for her), and she'll quickly back off.

She doesn't seem like the girl you'd want to have a relationship with, and she probably knows it. And you better make sure it's not love so much as puppy love. An infatuation.

Yeah, but I guess I would prefer her to back off, then me having to tell her to screw off. I don't want her getting angry at me, and thanks a lot for the advise, it put things into perspective, which is kinda hard when your in love. I'll let you guys know if I tell her. lol.

I contest!!! Sadly, I've been in almost the exact same situation with this chick... and my story ends up with me dumping the boyfriend for the new guy. The "new guy" is still my current boyfriend, after almost 3 years. And no, I haven't even dreamt of being with anyone else. I'm still very much in love with him.

What attracted me away from the boyfriend back then and deciding to court the "new guy" was that he was thoughtful, kind, considerate, and not pushy of any situation at all. If we wanted to kiss, we kissed. It wasn't forced, it just kind of happened as if we were magnetic to each other. If at any point I felt uncomfortable or in the "wait, we shouldn't do this, it's wrong" mode, he'd step back and wait for me to be ready. The biggest part of the "wanting to be in a relationship with the new guy" was because that year, my parents were going through divorce. He'd had gone through his parents' divorce some years earlier, and whenever I was in the midst of having to deal with the peril of it all--he was always there through the most painful times of my life. He was very empathetic with the situation, and it was as if I felt healed just by his presence.

So yeah... my story has a bit more background that supports the "dumping bf for another guy" part, but you never know.

I would agree with Sass that she's toying around with you.

If you want to get over it fast, crash and burn. It stings like hell, but just think of it this way: I tell my girlfriends that breaking up with a guy is like waxing. The moment you hesitate, it hurts ten times more. Just take a deep breath, get it done and yank as fast as you can, and all you feel is stinging. The longer you hesitate or stop inbetween, you have the possibility of skin tearing away slightly and leaving scars; hence the "hurts more and for a longer duration."

I'm not going to tell you what to do or what to say, because whatever anyone else tells you, you just have to follow your gut instincts sometimes. But, I will let you know that what did me in with my current boyfriend was that he cared more about me being happy than anything else. That's right, I fell for the guy that told me he was glad that I was happy being with another guy (even though I was lying). Good luck.

If you're looking for a quick end to this whole silly business, then by all means go ahead and tell her that you love her.

She sounds like a bitch, I recommend you throw a bucket of cow blood over her the next time you see her.

I'd advise you try to be a little less blunt than walking up to someone and telling them 'I love you'. It tends to scare people and can also give off the wrong impression.

So it turns out that you're not a skank. I have to tell you that a lot of people are skanks, and therein lies the problem. I'd say that your stituation is atypical, and that my advice was based on probablity. I'm always inclined to believe that someone who is willing to be unfaithful once would do so again.

It sounds like the kind of relationionship that everyone is looking for, but if you embarked upon it while still involved with your previous boyfriend, then that fulfils a reasonable definition of infidelity. A fairly conservative definition, but one which I believe is fair. I'm not saying that in order to stand in judgement over you, but I'm also not a big fan of sugar-coating things - I prefer to call things what they are. I'm sure that you did what you thought was for the best, and I'm sure that it has yielded positive results in your case, but you began your relationship with your new partner by demonstrating a willingness to be unfaithful to an established partner.

All I am saying is that this should give a person some doubts. If you can't see why I believe that, then I'm at a loss for what to tell you. I believe that the behaviour of a person will usually follow the precedents they have established, unless given a compelling reason to do otherwise.

Please understand that I'm not saying this in order to attack you personally. I am saying that this is true in most cases. You are apparently one of the exceptions. Most people don't plan their life-strategy around exceptions. It would be foolish of me to say that I plan to avoid air travel because of the possibility of a fatal crash. Air travel is safe the majority of the time, and I don't base my views on air travel on the exceptions.

Your story has a lot more background, yes. Also, I'm not speaking of dumping a boyfriend for another guy. I'm speaking of kissing, and intimately touching (or even more than that) another guy while still ostensibly committed to a relationship with a boyfriend. It's a fine distinction, but a worthwhile one. In the unlikely event that I should meet someone who would lure me away from my own partner, I would feel that I owed her the minimal courtesy of a little honesty. What I mean by that is I would break up with her first, and tell her honestly that there was someone else, rather than cheating on her.

Yes. Sometimes it is important to follow your gut instinct. That doesn't mean that your gut instinct is correct, of course. Simply that sometimes it is preferable to make a grand, glorious mistake than to always wonder 'what if'?' afterwards. It can be preferable, but if it fails to work out, there will be a considerable mess to clean up.

Soluzar: Yes, my situation is very much a rare case and thankfully the end result is my boyfriend and I still in a good, loving relationship with each other.

I completely agree here. It's a VERY fair judgement against me, and I am not afraid to admit it myself.

In the end, after about a month of meeting Leon, I couldn't ignore the fact that I had more emotional value for him than my prior commitment. Does that make me a bad person? I don't know. To the boyfriend at the time, of course!!! But I was being honest with my feelings when I made the decision to cut ties with an already committed relationship to embark on a new one. It wasn't about weighing out which guy was better for me or which guy had the more benefits... It was about me making a decision that I needed the support and affection coming from him more than anything else at that point in my life.

Again, I'll point out that I wasn't the best I could be at this point in my life. I was weak, I was broken, and I needed help. I was fucked up (not like in a drug/alcohol abuse way, but just mentally/emotionally due to stress) but I just couldn't resist the guy who'd take me in his arms and say that "who you are now is a result of your past; I like you for who you are now, regardless of who you were then or what happened in the past because that's part of you." -- what was important to me was that he was willing to take me in and accept me for 100% of who I was, including my past. I had boyfriends prior to him who've said literally, "I'd love you more if you can do ___ better," or something along those lines, so to me, the acceptance factor was a huge part of why I fell for the guy. And because of that, and also because of the fact that my relationship started off as a result of being unfaithful to someone else, I've kept it my moral goal to be truthful to him. Because I was doing something wrong to be with him, I feel that I owe it to him to be good to him. There hasn't been any instances/cases since then where I felt appeals to someone else, so I know I am a very rare case.

Ok, all the above should probably be in my own little "angst" thread or my journal...a bit too much more detail than need be perhaps. But, I thought it might add for at least an interesting discussion to add some perspective from someone who's had the experience of cheating on a guy and ending up with the "other man." ;)


Going back to advising Mod_007: Soluzar is absolutely right that you should be wary of people who would do such things while commited to another. From the looks of it, she values you as a friend she feels she needs to keep close by. If you want her to be your girlfriend, yes, I agree with Soluzar, it would be best she made it clear she has intentions of clarifying the relationship mess prior to engaging in intimacy with you.

And I agree with the majority here, the best for you would probably to do whatever you can to get it out of your system as quickly as possible.

GFFers: If her boyfriend says "I don't want a relationship," isn't that the end?

Mod:

If you haven't gone out with a woman and have no idea what she's like in a relationship, unfortunately, I just don't think you're qualified to say you love her.

Not to mention saying it early is horrible relationship tactics: there goes all of the ambivalence and challenge for the girl, and balance of power in the relationship with it.

Lean waaaay back, and be prepared for her to go skank-mode.

Simply thought "wow what a bitch." I mean here is this girl who makes out with her BF and suddenly has a change of heart with you because her BF wants to have fun with no strings and you're going right along with the act.

She's using you to make him jealous. To see if he commits to her. Not her to you. Sorry. As I mentioned before the truth is bitter and ugly but it is what it is.

You love her? I'm sure that's just confusion speaking. You love the idea of her, not her. She sounds pretty trashy to me. Seems like the girl falls into bed with any guy who spots her some attention, so there goes the "catholic girl" theory. You would be making a HUGE mistake telling her you love her, let alone allowing her to use you when she pleases.

If her BF didn't want a relationship...Oh I don't know...maybe she could have turned to you as a friend...since that's up to this point all you seemed to be...and confided her hurt and disappointment. But I guess it was much easier to make out with you. Caution here, would you? You'll end up getting the hurting end of the stick. If she'll kiss over a guy when she's still with another guy, doesn't take a genius to figure out she's bad news and oh really bad at communication.

She's playing you mate, and you've fell for it big time.
Sounds about right to me.
IF he actually said it in the first place? It could well be possible that she lied about that just to draw him in and make him feel less uncomfortable. There's plenty of girls like that in the world.

Mod, forget her and move on. She ain't worth the hassle.