Writing by Smelnick - Exploding Garrmondo Weiner Interactive Swiss Army Penis

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Writing by Smelnick

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Writing by Smelnick

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The_Melomane

Go forth and become a happy cabbage

Member 20147

Level 17.46

Feb 2007

Apr 11, 2007, 03:07 PM Local time: Apr 11, 2007, 02:07 PM

#1 of 14

Description overload.
The first sentance has way too much description. It gets to a point where it just becomes tiresome rather than eloquent.

I like the intent of the paragraph, but it wasn't formed very well. Also, I'd reread it again. You said that the scenery was not unknown to the character, however you say "in fact, so unknown is it, that it is etched upon his unfocused eyes." That doesn't make sense. It contradicts itself.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

HAY GUYS