D&D Arena: Brutal Bastards, Beegraks and von Brandt

Cyrus looked askance at his unlikely teammate. Dragonborn were rare in the arenas; they generally chose to fight to the death rather than allow themselves to be captured and humiliated like this. Maybe this one had something to prove, or maybe they'd just caught him napping. Maybe he was just dumber than dirt.

But then who was he to talk? He'd just put his hands up and let them drag him off. Could be he was just curious about what things were like on the messy side of the stands. Could be that this was just a pitiful dog-and-pony show that he expected to rip through like a scythe. Or it could be... it just could be: his long-dormant conscience had decided to reassert itself and seek out punishment for his many, many crimes. So many!

But probably not. Cyrus stifled the laughter that was rumbling up out of his guts — for about 2 seconds. Then he realized he had no good reason to stifle it. Matters were well past the stage of manners and good graces.

For a good minute Cyrus whoops it up, practically bent over double and wheezing for breath.

"Whew. All right, showman. You want to know my story? It's a short one. Boy grows up in slum. Boy trades 20 coppers — his life savings! — to a dying old hedge wizard in exchange for a lesson or two. Oh my, yes. Magic. So many books, so many dusty old books. And our hero... well, let's not call the boy a hero. Our protagonist. Maybe he realizes he doesn't need the books. Maybe the handful of lessons is enough to wake something up inside him. Maybe it's something real ugly. Maybe it burns people.

So our boy is a bona-fide sorcerer now, don't you know. Master of the arcane arts! The arcane arts that hurt people, anyway. But that was enough to make a living on. For a while. So the boy does what bona-fide sorcerers do in these modern times; he takes his show on the road. Slap some meathead in chainmail, ask him if he's got any friends that are, say, particularly religious. Hey presto, you're an adventuring party! And an adventuring party you remain, until dear old meathead decides he wants more than his share of the ogre's hoard.

That's "hoard" with an A. As in treasure.

Oh, says meathead. There's not a mark on him but that I put there with my sword, what right have you got to the reward?

And I says, well, Frederic and I were just slightly distracted fighting off this horde of goblins that came out of the side tunnel. Maybe you missed them. The helmet gives you the tunnel vision sometimes, I sympathize.

Horde with an E this time.

So meathead says fair enough, you two can share the goblins' loot, and I'll take the rest. It was about that time I decided to show him what right I had to my share. I'd melted his damned fool face clean off his tiny head before his oh-so-devout friend took it in mind to intervene. Only one of us walked out of that cave alive; let's leave it at that.

Actually, let's not. It was me. I killed them. I have to remember my audience, you lot probably aren't big on subtle insinuation.

People started asking questions in due time, as they always do in small towns. I've been running ever since. 15 years it's been since our little falling-out. Oh, there's been more, of course. Dead men from here to Neverwinter, bodies from hell to breakfast. Bounty hunters mostly, mercenaries of one stripe or another. A few more partnerships gone south here and there. The occasional cold-blooded murder on commission.

Cash or barter, folks. No job too small. Tell your friends.

Last week they finally corner me in the goddamn cemetery. An entire infantry platoon. I was only in that bastard's mausoleum on account of he died without paying me. Snap off his dry old fingers, keep his gaudy rings, call it a bargain. But I got sloppy. Arrogant. Always was arrogant, tell you the truth. Somebody saw me breaking in, and I'll be damned if I wasn't surrounded before I could even pull out my trusty bonesaw.

Reckon I'll be damned anyway.

As it happens, dead skinflint saw fit to spend his money elsewhere. Anti-magic field, 50 yards in every direction around his carcass. It really was a sight. I'd just point at this bastard, like you do, just smirking and waiting for the lightning to fry him where he stands. Nothing comes out but steam. Oh, sure, I could have still fought. One man with a knife against 20 in full chain. I like the odds, don't you?

And that's why I'm here, friends and neighbors. Tomb robbing. So many dead, and not a one that the law can prove it. It's a shame that the guard is so strongly opposed to disturbing those who rest in peace. Now I can never tell you where the bodies are buried. Wouldn't want those quiet old bones being jostled, would you? Especially your dear sister's bones, Marshal. No sir, mum's the word. Here on out I have a new respect for the departed.

Go ahead and bring on whatever you're bringing, showman. I've done more killin' than you've had hot meals, and I'm feeling hungry."

Idly scratching his beard with his free hand, Cyrus' hand goes to his waist. His fingers hover over the hilt of his dagger, and he waits. He turns his head to take a better look at the dragonborn, and sees an all too familiar glaze over the reptilian eyes. Distracted. Impatient. More than a little unhinged.

They'd get along just fine.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

3 Dice Rolls *you got bombed son

"That what passes for poison among the furry set? Look at this, it's been over 5 seconds and I'm still upright! Let me give you a little advice about... about..."

Having lost his train of thought, Cyrus settles for flinging a fuck-off ball of loud at their heads. It's a fairly convincing argument at these things go.

Move up to P10
Thunder Bomb centered on I-11
17 damage to Assassin (slowed 1 round)

As the eldritch sphere of compressed arcane fury barely grazes the assassin and splatters on the back wall, Cyrus is nonplussed. "There you go, buddy. I distracted 'em for you. You can have all the glory on this one, don't let me get in your way."

"The last time I was this completely boned, I was literally being strangled to death by skeletons."

There's nowhere I can't reach.

4 Dice Rolls Eyebite vs Minion

Cyrus deals poorly with the trauma of being groped by the Rare Swamp-Dwelling Bipedal Fondle Lizard. With a groan of disgust, he breaks away from Smothas — and runs directly into a pair of bugbears. Caught off guard, no suitable spell comes to mind. He settles for kicking the sand of the arena floor in their faces. As they flail at their sand-filled eyes he does his best to issue a cocky smirk, but all he manages is a murderous death stare. Not that it matters too much; with all the sand in the air the hairy bastards can't even see him properly.



Lightning Shift to M11
Searing Sands vs Minion D and Assassin
20 damage to both; Cyrus has concealment for 1 round
Action Point!
If Minion D has survived being sanded, Eyebite him
If not, Eyebite Minion A
Miss either way

Done!

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

1 Die Roll lightning vs minion A

Still paying no attention to the savage beating the assassin was doling out, Cyrus sidesteps a bit and whirls around, arcs of lightning crackling from his palms. He cackles madly, twisting his hands into claws as he pours down electric torment upon his foes.

In the sense that his foes are "some sand" and the torment in question is "being scorched a bit".

Shift to N10
Lightning Strike Minion A, arcing to Minion B on a hit
Well, crap



Most amazing jew boots

3 Dice Rolls damage

Cyrus' face twists up in confusion. He'd seen the longsword pierce his ribs; when the paladin fell over bleeding instead of himself he was almost too baffled to feel grateful. The dragonborn was wearing the twisted snake symbol of Zehir, a god of poison and murder. What kind of Zehiran willingly fell on a sword to save someone else?

Though he's glad that his own hide was in one piece, he now views his ally with suspicion. There was still good in the paladin. He could sense it. And it made him nauseous.

Cyrus sidles away in the confusion as the assassin checks his sword for any obvious sabotage. It's time for Cyrus to use one of his favorite tricks. First, you sneak up on a guy. Then you yell right in his ear, as loud as you can. You yell so hard that he just falls down and dies.



It's lucky his ally was blinded for the moment, Cyrus' face looks all weird and stretchy when he's doing his Ultra Shout Technique. You have to dislocate your jaw a little to get the right resonant frequency.

Shift to M11
Whirlwind centered on self; use Storm Magic bonus to exclude self as target
Area attack so I'm provoking two OAs, but I think it's a risk worth taking
Success! Minion's hella dead. 15 damage to assassin (since he's bloodied), and he's prone.



I was speaking idiomatically.

3 Dice Rolls save vs ongoing

"Look at this guy", Cyrus rasps to his erstwhile companion. He spits out a mouthful of blood. "Thinks he's so tough."

He staggers backward, away from the Assassin. "Friend, I've forgot more about the applied usage of deadly chemicals then you'll ever learn. And I say this with the full confidence that you'll never learn anything, ever again."

A sphere of viscous, hissing goo materializes in Cyrus' open hand, seemingly oozing out of his very pores. At this short range, it's easy to hurl the acid blob into the Assassin's face; it tears into the bugbear's flesh with the meaty hiss of a pan of fried eggs.

Cyrus just smiles for a moment, before breaking into a hacking cough. This kind of continuous exertion can really take it out of him.

Trigger my Shared Suffering armor's Encounter power; Assassin also takes 5 ongoing damage (save ends)
Turn begins, take 5 damage
Shift to N10
Acid Orb vs Assassin
20 damage to Assassin
Save failed



What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

"Well, I'm not quite willing to credit lord grabby-hands here with anything just yet. I will admit that sometime during the course of the fight my sinuses cleared up, but that might just be the smell around here."

Cyrus looks at the grotesque gauntlets with suspicion. He's hardly about to take off his reliable old gore-soaked chain gloves for the sake of these things, even if they're more rust than iron at this point. Still, he hooks the gauntlets on his belt. They might come in handy sometime. Smiling, he pokes the left gauntlet in the eye. For luck.

Burn 2 surges (48/54)



How ya doing, buddy?

Make that THREE surges.

Damn, expected the automerge to catch that.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

2 Dice Rolls slang knowledge v. kobolds

"See, this is why I only pick on people my own size. Or smaller. The important thing here is that whatever you did, you obviously left witnesses alive. Rookie mistake there."

Knowledge check on both enemy types

Jam it back in, in the dark.

5 Dice Rolls bzzzaaap

"That's an excellent point. I'll just get of your way then, shall I?"

Cyrus sidles along the narrow gap between the force field and the dragon's freezing nimbus.

"Anyway, I don't like Bad Touch over there any more than you do. Look, I'll even help you out. I made you this magic orb, you just throw it at him and — whoops! Butterfingers. Crap, was he expensive? I bet he was."

Cyrus throws up his hands in a gesture of mock surrender.

"Totally meant to kill the dragonborn. Here, I'll make it up to you. Take this, you shameless pervert! Oh. Oooooh."

Cyrus' nose wrinkles as the rich aroma of flash-friend kobold wafts across the arena.

"Well, I'm guessing they were both also perverts. Kobolds have a reputation for perversion, you know. I'm really doing you a favor here, though I emphasize, again, that those were total accidents. Oh my goodness look out, he's sneaking up behind you! How dreadful."

Move to L16 along the diagonal
Thunder Bomb vs Champion D and Dragon
Trade in 3 of my +1s for a +2, apply the +2 to attack roll vs Champion D
22 damage to both; Champion killed, Dragon slowed
Action Point!
Lightning Strike vs Champion A
Even if Dragon is providing cover p. sure that's still a hit
14 damage to Champion A, arc it to Champion B for 6 damage. (Applying Storm Power bonus to the secondary target.)
Should kill them both, resistance be damned.



There's nowhere I can't reach.

2 Dice Rolls *sand damage

"Lady, you got no sense of manners. Now, I tried my best to help you out. Admittedly things went a little haywire but that's not my fault. Now here you are, pushin' me around, backing me into a corner.

Do not back me into a corner, you frigid bitch."

And with that, Cyrus reaches out and digs his thumbs into her eyes until he feels the orbital bones scraping under his gauntlets. They're really big eyeballs, it's an easy shot.

"You see what happens, missy? You see what happens? This is what happens."

19 damage to dragon, and Cyrus is Concealed for a round



This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Cyrus staggers away from the dragon as best he can, rubbing his eyes and shivering.

"Argh. Hate you. Hate you so much. Hate you the most. One time I cut a man into three hundred tiny pieces. Then, I hired a necromancer — at great personal expense — to reanimate each and every one of those individual bits. Do you have any idea of the expense of three hundred castings of Raise Dead? When you have such a small corpse, ha ha, to work with, often the ritual fails. So you pay the cleric again. And again. Eventually we got them all, three hundred copies of the bastard. In chains. How they hated the sight of one another. Then, dragon, we filled the chamber with a mild acid. Slowly. Perhaps a tenth of an inch every day. The acid of a gelatinous cube is really quite weak, you know. It's the entrapment that makes the cube dangerous. I kept the necromancer on retainer, mind you. Every morning he'd go in there and heal their wounds. His wounds. It took months before the acid outstripped his capacity to keep them alive.

YOU, though. You I dislike."

Flee to L16
Second Wind
Plot an exacting, grisly revenge involving fire ants



How ya doing, buddy?

2 Dice Rolls *Fry.

"What are you fools doing taking orders from this cow? If we win do you have to do what we say? I mean, apparently Chilly Willy here is Queen Of The Fairies so I'm just wondering how the succession works. If I do get to become the new queen my first decree is to have you all executed as enemies of the crown. Just sayin', theoretically."

As he's talking, Cyrus forms a massive claw of crackling electricity in the air. It closes around the dragon's throat, electrocuting her and dragging her toward the sorcerer.

"My second decree will be free puppies for everyone, if that helps my case at all."

Move to K17
Shocking Magnetism vs Dragon
25 damage
Pull dragon 3 spaces so it occupies K14-L15



I was speaking idiomatically.

"Well, that was strange. Could have sworn she looked really dead for a second there. Like, completely and totally dead. I was going to messily devour her heart in front of all these people, too. And what's worse, I don't get to be the new Dragon Queen. What shitty luck, eh paladin? I mean, didn't she look really dead there for a second? Shit, maybe she's a dracolich now. That would be interesting.

Anyway, you can have these puke boots if you want, seeing as you were generous enough to give me these fucked-up gloves. I can't imagine they'll be flooding the arena with hot grease anyway, unless things get really out of hand."

Cyrus munches idly on a cookie as he waits for the next opponent to arrive. Probably a domesticated tarrasque or something; they sure weren't pulling any punches today.

"Is there any way I can persuade you guys to turn the field back on just as the next opponents are entering the ring? Because that would be hilarious.

Heh, heh. BONK!"

Spend a surge from Beegraks' Resurgent Smite and eat 1 cookie, healing up to full
Return to my corner at R10



What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

6 Dice Rolls *kaboom!

"What in the name of Lolth's smelly thorax is a Holy Worm? The last time I heard the word "holy" applied to a big squirmy tube, I was... well, suffice to say I was a younger man, and I was gentleman enough to warn those lovely ladies before I burned the inn to the ground. Of course, they still didn't make it out in time — they could barely walk, you know."

Cyrus flashes the audience his best smirk.

"Still, if I absolutely must deal with such impressive worms, I guess it's only responsible to blow them."

Cyrus darts forward, moving past the worms before they can react, and spins on his heel, gesturing as a vortex of wind and sand rises out of the arena floor. His ally stands baffled in the eye of the storm, untouched as the winds smash the enemy worms to the ground.

Lightning Shift to L16
Whirlwind centered on Q9; exempt Smothas
11 damage to both Worms; both knocked prone

"I could have done a better job blowing them, I guess. I should remember to include the balls."

Aw hell, why not. ACTION POINT GO
Thunder Bomb centered on O9
16 damage to both Worms; both slowed for a round
This post is bad and I should feel bad



How ya doing, buddy?

1 Die Roll lightning bolt vs. A

The worms are immune to Cyrus' shocking repertoire of electricity-based spells. But maybe he didn't need the electricity. Maybe... maybe if he really put in the mental exertion, he could tear them apart with the POWER OF HIS VERY MIND. Staring at the worms, he concentrates with all his might, willing their hearts to stop.

Use 2 minors to remove Gauntlets of Blood and don Coercive Gauntlets
Spend my last surge to toggle the Coercive Gauntlet power on
Lightning Strike Worm A
Fffffffffff

Cyrus winces, rubbing his temples. That didn't work at all. He definitely needed the lightning. He also needed a drink.



What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

6 Dice Rolls *secondary damage

"Th' hell? Two sides of the same coin, my ass. Here's what a wizard does."

Cyrus adopts a mocking falsetto.

"'Lo, I have made the ground somewhat slippery. Now our enemies will find it marginally more difficult to approach us! Further, I have conjured this skeleton to carry my baggage. Prithee hast any of thee seen my spell-booke."

He coughs, his voice returning to its ordinary tone.

"Here's what a sorcerer does."

And with that, a sizzling green dart flies from Von Brandt's outstretched palm, penetrating the nearest worm and sending it flying backward past Beegraks. With a snap like dry twigs underfoot, something bursts underneath the surface of the worm's hide. Little rivulets of blood and acid trickle out of fresh wounds.

Acidic Implantation vs Worm B
7 damage. Slide Worm B to R11
Secondary attack: burst 1 centered to R11
Trigger Good Timing on the miss vs Worm A
Still miss. Cyrus takes 5 damage
Overall Worm B takes 10 damage. At least Beegs is unflanked.
Switch my gloves back, since I got no more surges to spend anyway.



Jam it back in, in the dark.

2 Dice Rolls sizzle sizzle

Cyrus spots his last target undergoing a strange metamorphosis over in the corner of the ring. He feels sad. And tired. And confused. He's not spent this much time wrestling with swollen worms since his brief and unpleasant enrollment at the Arcane University.

"Listen, worm. I don't like you, and you don't like me. But that's no reason for us to have to squabble like this. Look, I'm just going to back away, and hahahahahaha you completely fell for it."

Shift to K17
Acid Orb the nearest worm
14 damage to it, unless it's the bloodied one, in which case 16 damage.



There's nowhere I can't reach.

2 Dice Rolls hurt more

"I don't want to tell you folks how to run things — well, actually, I do. Here's my suggestion, I hope you find it constructive: enemies that would rather try to kill us than themselves. This is how mad science works, people: you can create an abomination, but it's always going to figure out that it's Not Meant To Be and then, well. At least this one's going out the violent way, instead of just sulking in its pen and refusing to eat."

Lightning Strike Worm A, arc to Worm B
Apply Storm Power damage to second worm
14 damage to A, 6 to B (assuming the resistance IS moot now)



This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

2 Dice Rolls you have been shown

Cyrus looked at the worm. And the worm looked at Cyrus. And then they both realized that the worm had no eyes, so it was real awkward. Cyrus decided to punch the worm in the face. To ease the tension.

And by punch I mean stab.

11 stabbin' damage
Whew these enemies sure continue to not die
Despite not really presenting a threat to us
Yup

How ya doing, buddy?

2 Dice Rolls probably not!

Cyrus tottered away from the worm. He was exhausted. Little sprays of lightning were dripping off the ends of his fingers and bouncing everywhere. It was really kind of gross. Magic incontinence effects 30% of sorcerers over the age of 35. Talk to your chirurgeon. He can help.

Shift to J18
Lightning Strike A, arc to B
Apply Storm Power damage to second worm
10 damage to A, 6 to B

Most amazing jew boots

"I'm inclined toward the explosives, but the lizard wants a giant rock and I'm disinclined for an argument right now. Let's... Rock."

Cyrus puts on his smoked-glass spectacles.

"As for that belt, Beegraks, it's yours; if you ever see me sacrificing anything, kill me right then and there because I've been replaced by a doppelganger."

Cyrus tucks the cookie into his belt for safety. It's a sturdy cookie.

3 damage from my Dex mod (from Lightning Strike itself), 3 from Storm Power (which just adds the Dex mod again). I completely forgot about my gauntlet damage waaaaaugh

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Cyrus realizes belatedly that he had just sacrificed ownership of the belt. He stares at his hands in silent horror. They'd already gotten to him! BUT HOW? Something in the cookies. Drugged. They must be keeping the real Cyrus in a cage somewhere, forcing him to teach his arcane secrets to a succession of duplicates. Copying his powers! His memories! His precious, precious paranoia!

No wonder these battles were so exhausting. He was only an inferior copy. There would be plenty of time later to rescue himself. He'd have to be killed along with all the other duplicates in the end, of course. It's a good thing he was tainted with the disgusting flaw of self-sacrifice, or he'd balk at that.

For now, of course, he could give no sign. If they knew that he suspected, they'd kill him on the spot and he'd be replaced with a less wily duplicate. He would have to bide his time.

FELIPE NO

1 Die Roll lightning strike vs Assassin A

"Reynolds. It's been a long time. I understand you being sore about the medusa lair, but one of us had to go in first. You just drew the short straw! Somebody was bound to show up with some stone to flesh potions eventually, right?

Now, I grant you: it's a real shame, you spending those 5 years locked in a stone prison of your own petrified flesh, fully aware of the passage of time but unable to either move or speak. But I'm sure you got a lot of deep thinking done.

Most importantly, you didn't age a bit in that statue. Look at you, not a day over 46. I'd be jealous, if I didn't know how badly I'm going to wreck your face in the next five minutes."

With that, he sends a bolt of lightning flashing past one of Reynolds' hired goons: it misses the assassin by inches.

"That's the only warning shot you'll get. Reynolds wouldn't be able to afford four of you if you were any damned good, so take a hint. Bitches, leave."


Move to I-16
Lightning Strike Assassin A
Uuuuuugh

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

4 Dice Rolls ah! saving throw!

"Ah, yes. That was always your thing, wasn't it? Von Brandt has mastered the lightning strike? Well, I'd better master a lightning strike that is also a snake! What is it with you and the snakes, anyway? It's kind of, you know, weird. And not weird in an awesome way, like buying a brace of pigeons just to let them shit on your old buddy the statue."

Cyrus smiles to himself. Good times. As though it were his spell all along, the lightning serpent smoothly coils into Von Brandt's open palm and springs back across the arena, tearing into its creator before dissipating.

"As for YOU guys: Assassins, complaining about treachery? Are you even listening to yourselves? Look, we had an agreement: I take all the money, and in exchange we never have to see each other again. Okay, technically that was an agreement I came to by myself, but you were unconscious at the time. I maintain that I had your best interests in mind, however."

As he speaks, Cyrus slides away on the shifting sands as though he were sledding down a snowy hill. The hot arena sands spray up from his heels, choking his foes and concealing his position. This was delicious: so much history to be settled, while the real Cyrus was safely ensconced in some bizarre Waterdhavian cloning lab. He could afford to be cocky.

Immediate reaction: Shared Suffering ability on the ongoing Lighting Serpent damage; apply it to Reynolds in kind.
Searing Sands vs both Assassins; 16 damage each. Cyrus is concealed.
Shift to J17



Jam it back in, in the dark.