[DnD] Welcome to the Dungeon of Doom!

Brigid manages to pull Soggy back from the brink, but still can't get a hit in through the soldiers' shield wall.

Motsognir gains 11 HP. (15)

Bob throws fire on the too-close-for-comfort soldiers, but one of them manages to heap further injury upon the one already wounded.

9 damage to right soldier

Bob's partial descent down the stairs gives the archers a clear shot at him, and they hasten his glorious transformation into an ersatz pincushion.

Critical hit! 14 damage, 6 damage. (3 HP)

---

"Why are you running?" grumbles the dragon. "I mean, what did you think was going to happen? 'Oh, there's the dragon, I hope he grants me a wish! I want a pony!' "

He catches up, and very nearly bites off Argumentus' arm.

The skeletons rifle through the dragon's treasure heaps in search of some way to aid their rescuer. They uncover a small bottle. Assembling a tiny raft from chunks of random debris, they set the little potion on a miniature sea voyage. Job well done, they pat each other on the back and resume frolicking.

Gabriel, Argumentus, Hobgoblin Soldiers, Motsognir, Hobgoblin Warcaster, Brigid, Scary Bob, Hobgoblin Archers, Black Dragon

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Gabe, like Brigid before him, can't quite manage to get his blade past the massed shields of the soldiers.

Argumentus continues gradually getting away, narrowly avoiding another bite aimed at his head.

The soldiers' counterattack on Gabe is not especially effective either.

5 damage

Motsognir, Hobgoblin Warcaster, Brigid, Scary Bob, Hobgoblin Archers, Black Dragon, Gabriel, Argumentus, Hobgoblin Soldiers

Why yes, it does look the same

FELIPE NO

Soggy takes a deep breath and heaves his greataxe into the warcaster's midsection, smacking him down to the floor.

Motsognir +6 HP (21). Critical Hit! 16 damage, warcaster knocked prone and bloodied

The caster staggers back to his feet and makes another failed attempt to bludgeon Motsognir with his electrified staff.

Brigid, Scary Bob, Hobgoblin Archers, Black Dragon, Gabriel, Argumentus, Hobgoblin Soldiers, Motsognir, Hobgoblin Warcaster

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Brigid and Bob both retreat to cover to heal.

Brigid's HP +7 (26), Bob's HP +5 (08)

The archers fire on Gabriel with an effectiveness roughly equivalent to his attempts to batter away at their allies. Everyone's armor is getting a little dented but that's about it.

The dragon (sighing gustily) catches up with Argumentus once again, making a failed attempt to claw his head off.

"Look, would you just — it'll be over in a minute, criminy."

Gabriel, Argumentus, Hobgoblin Soldiers, Motsognir, Hobgoblin Warcaster, Brigid, Scary Bob, Hobgoblin Archers, Black Dragon

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Frustrated, Gabriel finally finds an opening in the soldier's defenses and cuts him down.

12 damage, soldier killed

Argumentus continues his waddle toward the stairs, with the dragon making yet another lazy swipe at him.

The surviving soldier, bereft of aid, bonks Gabe over the head and backpedals toward the corner.

7 damage to Gabriel

Motsognir, Hobgoblin Warcaster, Brigid, Scary Bob, Hobgoblin Archers, Black Dragon, Gabriel, Argumentus, Hobgoblin Soldier

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Motsognir's lucky streak continues as he divests the warcaster of several important fingers.

9 damage to warcaster

Realizing the uselessness of his electric attack, the warcaster returns to having the floor throw Soggy around like a sack of potatoes.

9 damage; Motsognir thrown back 2 squares

Brigid, Scary Bob, Hobgoblin Archers, Black Dragon, Gabriel, Argumentus, Hobgoblin Soldier, Motsognir, Hobgoblin Warcaster

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Brigid hacks away at the enemy spellcaster, leaving him only with the most trifling reserves of strength.

9 damage

The battered mage crept down the stairs and, startled to see the human still living, fired off his strongest spell in a desperate gambit to aid him.

The dragon's irritated trot through the murky water slows to a trudge, and his massive maw gapes open in a yawn. His ancient and powerful halitosis is indescribable.

Dragon is slowed

The mostly-ignored archers fire on Gabe.

12 damage, Gabriel bloodied

The dragon takes a single lazy step forward and sprays a piddling mist of acid onto Argumentus before dozing off.

5 damage to Argumentus (bloodied). Dragon unconscious.

Gabriel, Argumentus, Hobgoblin Soldier, Motsognir, Hobgoblin Warcaster, Brigid, Scary Bob, Hobgoblin Archers, Black Dragon

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Gabriel charges forward mightily and attempts to climb a ladder with both his hands full. It doesn't work so well, but he feels good about trying.

Next time, you insolent ladder. Next time.

Gabriel's HP +9

Finally getting some distance on the beast, Argumentus slogs his way out of the water and onto the stairs at last.

Argumentus' HP +10

The soldier flails away at Soggy, scoring a glancing blow on his neck.

5 damage

Motsognir, Hobgoblin Warcaster, Brigid, Scary Bob, Hobgoblin Archers, Black Dragon, Gabriel, Argumentus, Hobgoblin Soldier

I was speaking idiomatically.

Sidling away from danger, Motsognir gently assaults the warcaster with only the slightest of wounds. As he collapses to the floor, the caster reaches out a desperate hand in the direction of his unfinished breakfast. His dead features are full of an ineffable longing.

3 damage, warcaster killed.

Brigid, Scary Bob, Hobgoblin Archers, Black Dragon, Gabriel, Argumentus, Hobgoblin Soldier, Motsognir

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Brigid puts one right between the locations where the archer's eyebrows might theoretically have once been.

6 damage to left archer

Faced with a massive reptile, Bob takes the logical step of reducing its body temperature.

Coup de grace: automatic critical hit. 15 damage, dragon slowed in the event that it wakes up.

Seeing Gabe at the base of their ladder and unable to get a good angle on him, the archers retreat toward the other end of their ledge.

The dragon snores a little, blowing bubbles in the muck. It'd be cute if it wasn't hideous and abominable.

Gabriel, Argumentus, Hobgoblin Soldier, Motsognir, Brigid, Scary Bob, Hobgoblin Archers, Black Dragon

FELIPE NO

"Okay, I'm going to use my second wind and then charge up the ladder."

"Charge up the... Dave, your character's hands are both full. He can't even climb the ladder, let alone charge it. I don't even know what that would entail. Brad, go ahead and take your turn while Dave studies up on anatomy."

MOMENTS LATER

"Alright, I'm going to charge up the ladder."

"But you already... that doesn't work, Dave, because..."

"Yeah, let's try it again."

"Ok, so how do you propose that... lemme see here... Gabriel. How does Gabriel 'charge' the ladder with both hands full? I am honestly curious."

"Well, why doesn't he jump? Just hop up the ladder. Hop hop hop."

"That's.... I.... I can't even... Okay, you know what? Fine. Let's do it. Make an Acrobatics check."

"You know it."

(clatter)

"Well, I'll be damned."

-----------------------------

In a superheroic and extraordinarily undwarflike display of poise, Gabriel Sledgehammer charges up the ladder. He leaps, like a graceful ballerina, from rung to rung. It is patently ridiculous to behold.

Arriving atop the ledge, he takes a moment to bask in the glory before mauling a nearby (and awestruck) hobgoblin.

14 damage, archer bloodied. Gabriel's HP 27 (2)

Ascending the stairwell, Argumentus casts about for a foe. His brash and boastful challenges are of limited utility, however, since he can't actually see anybody.

The soldier does wander in the direction of the stairwell regardless, more out of curiosity than anything else.

Motsognir, Brigid, Scary Bob, Hobgoblin Archers, Black Dragon, Gabriel, Argumentus, Hobgoblin Soldier

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Motsognir rushes across the room, sinking his mighty axe deep into the flesh of... the floor. Oh, bad luck.

Brigid sends a stone flying, cutting through an archer's bow, his bowstring, his thumb, part of his forearm, his ear, and about 3 millimeters of wall.

Critical Hit! 7 damage.

Bob continues merrily tormenting the unconscious dragon, just for laughs.

2x coup de grace criticals: 14 damage, 14 damage

Deprived of his bow, the archer draws a longsword against Gabriel. The charmingly-nimble Dwarf just laughs it off. The second archer's arrows fare no better.

The dragon at last snaps to wakefulness, spending a few moments coughing up all the swampy water he'd inhaled during his nap.

Gabriel, Argumentus, Hobgoblin Soldier, Motsognir, Brigid, Scary Bob, Hobgoblin Archers, Black Dragon

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Gabriel casually smacks down the bloody lump that used to be a hobgoblin, smirking at the next one in line.

11 damage, archer killed. Surviving archer marked.

Argumentus proceeds to the top of the stairs, using his hammer as a handy attention-getter.

4 damage. Soldier marked.

The soldier tries his flail against the harassing Argumentus, producing an irritating clanging noise but not much else.

Motsognir, Brigid, Scary Bob, Hobgoblin Archer, Black Dragon, Gabriel, Argumentus, Hobgoblin Soldier

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Argumentus gladly continues pummeling the soldier when asked.

10 damage

Brigid hurries over to join the lynch mob, but the soldier raises his shield just in time.

miss

Scary Bob, Hobgoblin Archer, Black Dragon, Gabriel, Argumentus, Hobgoblin Soldier, Motsognir, Brigid

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Bob hurls ice onto the soldier, bypassing the hobgoblin's heavy armor and directly assaulting his delicate girlish skin.

7 damage, soldier slowed

Backed against the wall, the archer draws his sword and rushes Gabe.

6 damage to Gabe

The dragon continues sloshing toward the stairs in an unseen but thoroughly audible fury.

Gabriel, Argumentus, Hobgoblin Soldier, Motsognir, Brigid, Scary Bob, Hobgoblin Archer, Black Dragon

looks a bit crap, I know

Most amazing jew boots

Tiring from the long battle, the warriors deliver only the lightest of strikes.

6 damage to archer

2 damage to soldier (miss)

The soldier takes another clumsy swing in Argumentus' general direction, completely exhausting my well of flail-based wordplay.

Motsognir, Brigid, Scary Bob, Hobgoblin Archer, Black Dragon, Gabriel, Argumentus, Hobgoblin Soldier

No change!

I was speaking idiomatically.

Motsognir puts a few more dents in the soldier's helmet, and then backs away real quiet like.

7 damage, soldier bloodied

carrying out lurker's advance instructions

Brigid hacks into the battered soldier, muttering a brief prayer of protection.

7 damage to soldier

Scary Bob, Hobgoblin Archer, Black Dragon, Gabriel, Argumentus, Hobgoblin Soldier, Motsognir, Brigid

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Hastily blasting away the tattered remnants of the hobgoblin soldier, Bob flees up the stairway and gets as far away as possible from the

WARNING. A HUGE BATTLESHIP 'BLACK DRAGON' IS APPROACHING FAST

10 damage, soldier killed

The archer takes another swing at Gabe, failing to do any damage.

The dragon heaves its bulk up the stairs at last, bellowing out a furious roar that leaves those nearby quaking in fear.

Argumentus and Brigid stunned until after dragon's next turn and take -2 to attack rolls thereafter (save ends)

Gabriel, Argumentus, Motsognir, Brigid, Scary Bob, Hobgoblin Archer, Black Dragon

How ya doing, buddy?

Gabriel berates a hobgoblin on its substandard animal stewardship.

10 damage, archer bloodied

Seeing himself in a duel he has no hope of winning, the archer runs to the opposite end of the ledge and leaps down.

Opportunity hit from gabe:11 damage

The dragon tries to continue to the top of the stairwell, but is impeded by two terrified humanoids frozen in place.

"Well now, this wasn't one of my better plans."

The dragon smacks Argumentus backwards with a strike from his heavy tail, steps forward, and does the same to Brigid.

7 damage to Argumentus, 9 damage to Brigid

Gabriel, Argumentus, Motsognir, Brigid, Scary Bob, Hobgoblin Archer, Black Dragon

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Tiring of his protracted battle with the hobgoblin, Gabriel releases the hound and frees himself to fight with a much more imposing foe.

Resolving, at last, to run no further... Argumentus runs away a little bit. Just a little.

Motsognir darts in and out of the dragon's range in a display of bravado, hacking away at the lizard and inspiring his friends.

16 damage; all allies gain 5 temp HP and +1 to defenses; Motsognir's HP +7

Brigid fires off her sling and books it, calling on Melora to aid them all against the fiendish creature.

7 damage; all allies gain +1 to attack for the encounter

Bob retreats to a corner and promptly loses his marbles , scattering them in front of the oncoming dragon.

"DAMN IT, STOP THROWING SHIT AT ME. IF YOU WOULD JUST STAND STILL AND GET EATEN THIS WOULD ALL BE OVER BY NOW. I HAVE OTHER APPOINTMENTS IN THE AFTERNOON. THIS IS ALL SO UNPROFESSIONAL."

The archer flees out through the door on the east side of the room, shutting behind him to prevent canine pursuit.

The dragon steps forward, smirking unpleasantly. "Alright, tiny people. Just put down your little knives and— WHOA! WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA AAAAGGGGH" THUMP "OOF OW ARGH. FUCK YOU."

Dragon slips on marbles, falls partway back down the stairs, takes 6 damage and falls prone

Gabriel (and Goliath), Argumentus, Motsognir, Brigid, Scary Bob, Black Dragon

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Charging at the beast, Gabriel hits it as hard as he knows how. It's... it's pretty hard.

34 damage, dragon bloodied. One ally within 5 spaces may use a healing surge.

Infuriated at having its blood spilled, the dragon immediately unleashes its acidic breath in reflexive self-defense. Most of the party is safely away, but the staircase wall channels the brunt of the acid directly onto the front line.

10 damage to Argumentus and Gabe (both bloodied); ongoing 5 acid damage and AC -4 (save ends both)

Undeterred, Gabe continues hacking away, calling back his faithful hound as he works.

10 damage. Save against ongoing acid succeeds.

Argumentus marches into the melee, the acid fairly dripping from his striding form. His first attack only does the most superficial damage.

2 damage

His eyes stinging, Argumentus hurtles his hammer down onto the prostrate dragon's offending snout. The rare and sonorous sound of a dragon's bones breaking echoes through the room.

Critical Hit! 43 damage to dragon. 5 ongoing acid damage to Argumentus (save failed)

Unable to engage the dragon in such tight quarters, Motsognir stumbles upon a novel solution. Planting himself firmly on the opposite side of the wall, he gambles on the shoddy masonry of the dungeon working in his favor. He hauls back his massive axe, then slams it into the crumbling wall. A shudder goes through the stones, and the very wall crumbles onto the battered wyrm. With the supporting wall largely destroyed, the ceiling begins to groan ominously. Little pebbles rain down on all assembled.

Dragon is hit by a wall. 11 damage, dazed

Brigid, Scary Bob, Dragon, Gabriel, Argumentus, Motsognir

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Brigid creeps up on the battered dragon and promptly sets it on fire.

11 damage, and 5 ongoing fire damage to dragon (save ends, w/caveat). Argumentus' HP +14

The dwarves take a moment to discuss the relative merits of demolition.

Soggy's HP +6

Bob rushes to a better vantage point, casting a crippling spell toward the dazed and bleeding dragon being simultaneously pummeled by multiple foes while trying to get its footing. He misses.

The dragon pulls itself upright and prepares for another onslaught, smothering the flames against the stones. Not burning to death is the better part of valor.

Takes 5 fire damage, stands up from prone, action point, total defense, saves against fire

Gabriel (and Goliath), Argumentus, Motsognir, Brigid, Scary Bob, Black Dragon

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

The dragon deflects Gabriel's axe, but the paladin's faithful hound darts in and rips a chunk out of the lizard's vulnerable underbelly.

9 damage to dragon

Argumentus, not knowing his own strength, inadvertently jams an elbow into the dragon's eye while trying to avoid losing any more skin.

Argumentus takes 5 acid damage. 2 damage to dragon. Save failed.

Motsognir tries to help the fighter stem the damage, but Argumentus is panicking to thoroughly to give the dwarf any attention. He turns to assault the dragon, burying his greataxe in the creature's massive foot.

5 damage to dragon. Save failed, again.

Brigid calls down a mighty thunderclap onto the beast as she strikes, and the lizard howls in pain at the terrible noise in its ears.

8 damage to dragon; it gets... even MORE dazed!

His repertoire of powerful spells depleted, Bob falls back upon old reliable. The icy blast flies directly up the dragon's flaring nostrils, and the wyrm emits an earthshaking shriek as the ice seeps into his very brain.

The black dragon fixes the elf with a stare of utter malignant hatred; his eyes roll up into his head and the mighty beast slumps to the floor with a crash.

9 damage to dragon; slowed, and uh also it dies, fuck

VICTOLY! (1625 XP, 325 XP each)

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Brigid rifles through the hobgoblin chambers in search of cooking supplies. Sadly, the hobgoblins had no concept of good tableware. Other than the spit over the fire and the silver platter under the rapidly-congealing roast beast, no cookware is to be found. Brigid also discovers a folded purple robe in a cabinet, emblazoned with stylized flames.

Lv. 3 Fireburst Robes

Motsognir hurries downstairs to loot the dragon's hoard before the other fighters can get it all for themselves. The skeletons rejoice to see a member of the party, intuiting that their tormentor must surely be slain at last. Along with a great quantity of gold (675 GP), Motsognir discovers other treasures:

A set of chainmail, studded with small plates depicting heroic deeds.

Lv. 3 Chainmail of Exploits

A cloudy green bottle, retrieved from the skeletons' little boat.

Lv. 4 Potion of Acid Resistance

Leather goggles with lenses of smoked glass. They can be worn at night, to help you keep track of visions in your eyes.

Lvl. 2 Eagle Eye Goggles

Atop a tiny wooden bench amidst all the heaped treasure sits an unassuming bronze chalice, fairly coated in ruinous verdigris.


Rooting through the dragon's guts is a painful and unpleasant experience, but Argumentus does find a small golden pin that has escaped digestion. As he grasps the faintly glowing brooch, the remaining acid sloughs from his body onto the floor as if it were late for an appointment. The dragon is also full of fairly large organs, if that's your kind of thing.

Lvl. 3 Brooch of No Regrets

I was speaking idiomatically.

Motsognir removes the "Jade" Chalice of Maguffin from its place of honor. The cup appears at first to be laden with additional gold pieces, but is actually full to the brim with coin-shaped rock candies wrapped in yellow tinfoil. The edibility of the Candy of Maguffin is dubious at best.

According to the wrappers, nearly all the candies are carrot flavored.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?