[DnD] Welcome to the Dungeon of Doom!

Bob hurls fire at the fleeing orcs, but their terrified lickety speed allows them to escape the flames with only a single casualty.

Brigid, Motsognir, Argumentus, Orc Grunts, Wolf, Gabriel, Bob

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Brigid catches the escapees, silencing the nearest one for good.

Motsognir, Argumentus, Orc Grunts, Wolf, Gabriel, Bob, Brigid

Most amazing jew boots

Motsognir continues to test-drive his new toy by getting it completely covered in blood and dog hair. This is why we can't have nice things.

7 damage

Argumentus finishes off the southern orc contingent, mercilessly executing even the sleeper.

Horrible merciless slaughter x2

The last of the orcs tries to make a run for it, but Brigid cuts him down as he turns to flee.

The surviving wolf fights back against The Mad Axemaster, breaking through Motsognir's newly-shieldless defenses.

8 damage, Motsognir 20/1

Gabriel, Bob, Brigid, Motsognir, Argumentus, Wolf

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Showboating with his fabulous magical axe, Gabriel attacks the wolf not once!

8 damage

Not twice!

11 damage, wolf bloodied

But three.... wait, wait. No. Only twice. Disappointment.

Bob, Brigid, Motsognir, Argumentus, Wolf, Gabriel

Most amazing jew boots

[ICE-THEMED PUN GOES HERE]

5 damage

Brigid, Motsognir, Argumentus, Wolf, Gabriel, Bob

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

7 damage, wolf killed!

777 XP! (155 XP each)

Jam it back in, in the dark.

The upper corridor leads back to the stairway room and is otherwise unremarkable and devoid of detail and I don't feel like rendering it.

The dead orcs have an assortment of low-quality gear: 3 sets leather armor, 5 sets hide, a few clubs. Motsognir, by engaging in mid-battle poaching, has swiped the only valuable item they possessed.

Argumentus peeks through the southern doorway, which lies open (if a bit crowded with orc bodies). As he sticks his head between the doors, a crossbow bolt thumps into the door beside him.

Then another.

On the other end of a broad chamber, a goblin with a crossbow jeers from atop a 10' ledge.

"You're not an orc! Bring the orcs back! They were funny!"

There's nowhere I can't reach.

"Oooooh, the cup!" shouts the goblin. "Yeah, the uh, whatchacallit, Green Chalice of Guppies. We don't have that, it's down in Sub-Basement 3. You gotta hang a left, up the ladder, down the stairs, turn right..."

A voice to his right interrupts him, and he confers with it for a moment.

"Oh, right. Except we're being paid to make sure nobody gets it. The dragon has been very firm on that particular point. So just, you know, go away. Or we'll shoot you.

Nothing personal, you know? Everybody's gotta work."

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Goblin Sharpshooters 25, Argumentus 24, Bob 21, Brigid 18, Gabriel 14, Motsognir 7

The goblin opens fire on Argumentus as he charges out, but misses completely.

Argumentus darts out, taking cover behind one of the room's three pillars. To the east a badly-wounded orc leans against the center pillar, his face full of resignation.

Bob fires off a ray of frost from the relative safety of the doorway, pegging the sniper right in the eyes.

10 damage

Brigid, Gabriel, Motsognir, Goblin Sharpshooters, Argumentus, Bob

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Okay, one run-and-freeze, one fling-and-hide, and one stand-and-pout

Gabriel flings his hammer up at the goblin. It bounces wetly off the shooter's temple and clatters down irretrievably atop the ledge.

9 damage, sharpshooter bloodied

The west sharpshooter strafes to the left, firing on the nearest visible target.

7 damage, Brigid 18/4

The center shooter fires on Argumentus, but the bolt is deflected off the pillar.

The east shooter runs along the ledge to the east, shouting for help and fleeing into a small doorway on the far end of the ledge.

From their vantage point next to the pillar, Argumentus and Brigid can more clearly see the opening into a corridor leading north.

Argumentus, Bob, Brigid, Gabriel, Motsognir, Goblin Sharpshooters

I was speaking idiomatically.

Ray of frost hits

6 damage

Slingshot misses

People move around

Game state becomes updated

Initiative is rotated

Gabriel, Motsognir, Goblin Sharpshooters, Argumentus, Bob, Brigid

Map gets linked

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Gabriel charges forth, and in a feat of great bravery he swiftly slays a noncombatant orc who was already bleeding to death.

"The prisoner!" shrieks a sharpshooter.

"We weren't exactly imprisoning him—"

"We beat him up and then he stayed where we told him to! That makes him a prisoner!"

Meanwhile, Motsognir is a great credit to his team.

The sharpshooters all completely fail to shoot anyone. The entire round is a massive embarrassment for everyone.

The goblin alarmist reaches his destination, and the reinforcements burst out into the northern corridor. Gabriel can just-barely see them from his location.

Argumentus, Bob, Goblin Skullcleavers, Brigid, Gabriel, Motsognir, Goblin Hexer, Goblin Sharpshooters

Most amazing jew boots

Smashing handholds out of the wall with his terrifying retard strength, Argumentus scales the ledge and stands there smirking. He seems very pleased with himself.

Bob tries to finish off the wounded sharpshooter, but misses. He runs and cowers under the ledge to avoid the inevitable return fire.

The Skullcleaver reinforcements charge out of the corridor, but they're too far away to hurt anybody yet.

Brigid, Gabriel, Motsognir, Goblin Hexer, Goblin Sharpshooters, Argumentus, Bob, Goblin Skullcleavers

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Brigid abuses Motsognir until he hopefully feels chastened enough to contribute.

9 HP restored, Motsognir 29/0

Strafing out from behind the cover of the pillar, Brigid introduces the nearest sharpshooter to a new world of monocular vision.

4 damage

Gabriel spots another party guest wearing the very same hat that he so recently acquired. Needless to say, this results in a great deal of tension. A catfight is imminent.

Trundling out of his safety zone at last, Motsognir grudgingly chucks his jealously-retained ranged weapon at the weakest available foe. The goblin takes a hammer to the face, spins around dizzily, and crumples.

5 damage, sharpshooter killed

The goblin hexer trots out of the corridor, waving his skull-on-a-stick. The skull's jaw flaps open, releasing a torrent of horrid magical bees.

The bees swarm all around Gabriel in a noisome cloud, seemingly unwilling to sting him as long as he doesn't move*.

Gabriel hexed by swarm of bees; save ends

The alarm-sounding sharpshooter returns from his run. Both shooters fire on Argumentus, peppering him with bolts.

10 damage
Critical Hit! 10 damage
Argumentus 14/9 and bloodied

Argumentus, Bob, Goblin Skullcleavers, Brigid, Gabriel, Motsognir, Goblin Hexer, Goblin Sharpshooters

*And when I say "move" I obviously mean "perform move actions"

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Having completed his self-congratulatory standing-around period, Argumentus moves to maul the hell out of any nearby living things.

Argumentus 24/8
8 damage

Bob tries his best to scale the wall, but fails as a consequence of his total lack of athletic skill. He attempts to fire off a Ray of Frost from the lower level, but this fails as well.

The Skullcleavers continue their mighty charge, falling just ever-so-short of the precious goal: a dwarf covered in bees. So close, and yet so far.

Brigid, Gabriel, Motsognir, Goblin Hexer, Goblin Sharpshooters, Argumentus, Bob, Goblin Skullcleavers

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Brigid moves to the defense of the unwilling beekeeper, hacking away.

8 damage
AC bonus to Brigid/Gabe

With great authority, Motsognir orders the bees to depart. Dejected and downtrodden, they buzz off down the hall.

Gabe successfully shakes it off

Having dealt with the greater threat of the bees, Soggy favors the nearest goblin with a little of the ol' chop-chop.

7 damage

Gabriel, for his part, is [redacted: see posts 841-842]

The hexer backpedals away from the melee, and hurls a glob of vile black gunk at Brigid. It strikes her square in the eyes, blinding her (save ends).

BLINDED

✦ You grant combat advantage.

✦ You can’t see any target (your targets have total

concealment).

✦ You take a –10 penalty to Perception checks.

✦ You can’t flank an enemy.

8 damage, Brigid 10/4, bloodied and blind

Forced into melee, one of the sharpshooters draws a shortsword against Argumentus. It rings harmlessly off his armbands. The other shooter continues to pepper the fighter with bolts.

9 damage, Argumentus 15/8 and bloodied

Argumentus, Bob, Goblin Skullcleavers, Brigid, Motsognir, Gabriel, Goblin Hexer, Goblin Sharpshooters

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

You mean Radiant Smite, right? Because you don't have Fearsome Smite anymore. You traded it out. For Radiant Smite.

Gabriel just mauls the hell out of the nearest goblin like some kind of ale-fueled meat blender with a grudge.

Critical Hit! 30 damage

10 damage, Skullcleaver killed

Gabe 21(2)/8

Hi Brady

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Argumentus thinks for a long, long time. After much deliberation, he hits a guy. Bam!

5 damage

Bob, Goblin Skullcleavers, Brigid, Motsognir, Gabriel, Goblin Hexer, Goblin Sharpshooters, Argumentus

I was speaking idiomatically.

Bob blasts the surviving skullcleaver, draining his strength.

13 damage, Skullcleaver weakened

The skullcleaver charges into melee, swinging at Gabriel and missing.

Brigid, Motsognir, Gabriel, Goblin Hexer, Goblin Sharpshooters, Argumentus, Bob, Goblin Skullcleaver

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Staggering backward, Brigid clears the gunk from her face.

Brigid 17/3, blindness cured

Motsognir hacks away at the skullcleaver.

7 damage

Gabe follows suit, taking a moment to patch up Brigid. Blood trickles over the skullcleaver's face, and he seems to get very angry. This makes him difficult to like.

7 damage, skullcleaver bloodied. Gabriel 21 (2)/7, Brigid 24/3

The hexer retreats further and flings a clod of filth in Motsognir's direction. It gets in his eyes and stings unbearably.

Critical Hit! 13 damage; Motsognir 16/0 and blind.

Desperate to clear the interloper from their ledge, the sharpshooters continue to focus their efforts on Argumentus.

7 damage (shortsword); Argumentus 8/8

Argumentus, Bob, Goblin Skullcleaver, Brigid, Motsognir, Gabriel, Goblin Hexer, Goblin Sharpshooters

FELIPE NO

Argumentus continues to mercilessly pummel the desperate sharpshooter.

10 damage, 5 damage, sharpshooter bloodied

Bob throws down the gauntlet, challenging the hexer to single combat.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" calls the hexer. "Not so fast. Not until we get the rules straightened out."

"Rules?" the skullcleaver asks. "In a mage fight?"

"Well, then" says the hexer. "If there ain't gonna be any rules, let's— OW!"

5 damage, hexer slowed

"Listen, Hoggle. I don't mean to be a sore loser. But when this is over, if I'm dead? Kill him."

"Love to."

In the meantime, however, Hoggle has dwarves to deal with on either side. Swinging his axe in a mad fury, he... misses.

"You never could fight, Hoggle. Not from the very beginning."

Brigid, Motsognir, Gabriel, Goblin Hexer, Goblin Sharpshooters, Argumentus, Bob

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Feeling revived, Brigid hurries to the defense of the flailing dwarves.

Critical Hit! 9 damage

Staggering around blindly, Motsognir asks Gabriel to deal out the beatings. Gabe is a little unnerved when a howling goo-faced man shrieks at him, and his swing doesn't connect.

Blindness continues. With no surges left, you can't inspire anybody. =(

Gabriel, Goblin Hexer, Goblin Sharpshooters, Argumentus, Bob, Brigid, Motsognir

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Gabriel's indignant assault on Hoggle's fashion-thieving ways continues, challenging him mano-a-mano for Mastery of Hats. There can only be one Hatmaster.

8 damage

Having been challenged in a duel of the arcane arts, the hexer turns his attention to Bob. He hurls a clod of muck at the elf, but it splatters harmlessly against the pillar.

Both sharpshooters continue to hammer away at Argumentus. Making no inroads, they both retreat a step or two.

Argumentus, Bob, Goblin Skullcleaver, Brigid, Motsognir, Gabriel, Goblin Hexer, Goblin Sharpshooters

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Argumentus jumps down from the 10-foot ledge and hits the ground running, smashing his hammer into Hoggle with great momentum.

Hoggle responds to this primarily by expiring. Not a big talker, that one.

11 damage, Skullcleaver killed

The battered and bleeding sharpshooter finds Bob's frost ray a little too much to deal with, sighing gustily and lying down for a permanent nap.

6 damage, Sharpshooter killed

Brigid, Motsognir, Gabriel, Goblin Hexer, Goblin Sharpshooter, Argumentus, Bob

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Brigid plunks away at the sharpshooter in the far corner, but he barely seems to notice.

3 damage

Motsognir saves vs. Blindness...

SUCCESSFULLY

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I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?