Bright VS Bleak - Open VS Close - For once... I can't sort it out...

This will probably be one of the few times I post in this forum, mostly due to recient events keeping me from comming here. However, I need to get this out before I lose it completely.


And before I post this, I do not post this in my journal because some of the comments this post may recieve I feel I may need to hear regardless what I may want to hear. That is why.



I moved to where I currently am 2 years ago. Before which as some of you may know, I was homeless for about a year due to specifics with my mother's dumbass of a husband. Anyways... I moved to the state of Wisconsin of my own accord and not necessicarily of a particular thing or reason.



I wanted to be away from the family, though as much as they really wanted me to stay. I knew I couldn't and I didn't want to. Not to say I didn't hold love toward my family. I just need to move onward and branch out.

It started out as friendship. For 9 years this one girl was there to listen to me as I was there to listen to her. She offered me a place to live and I took it.

So I moved in with her, obtained employment roughly 2 weeks afterward, and finally got an apartment a few weeks after that. But that friendship grew from then into a loving relationship.


I did know her for many years beforehand as she knew me the same. I wasn't trying to rush things or make them difficult. Everything about her just breathed life into me as I was probably the only person to show her in sense some true happiness.


Time went on and on July 24, 2006, our son Angelus was born. Yeah, I couldn't hold back the tears that morning and I don't think many really could. My son, my boy. At that moment I felt like this was where I belonged. That at this moment I finally have a family of my own.


Angel's birthday is in another week. It's been a year since that day. And what bothers me the most is that the woman I loved and adored so much told me that she lost all the love she had for me... the day our son was born.



She told me this last week. She wants to remain friends and she doesn't want me to leave and to be honest, I don't want to. But I think what really hurts the most is that even after all of that, it feels like nothing's changed physically.


I still love her. I always will love her. I don't want to forget and I don't know how I'm going to proceed from it. It hurts so damn bad, just to wake up and see her... but know that we're just friends. Or when I sleep (we have no bed so both of us sleep on the floor in the living room), she would roll over and cling to me and I'd be awake... in tears.



So for those who read, I don't know what to think anymore. My mind has been shattered, my heart feels ripped out from its once resting place in my chest. I feel dead, not necessicarily wishing it so don't get it the wrong way.

How ya doing, buddy?

Originally Posted by LZ

dude, put yourself in her shoes

you named the kid angelus

who wouldn't lose all love for you

It wasn't just my choice. She wanted that name too.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by a lurker

Now, now. Let's all be fair here. Kiri may be mormon; they are hot for weird names.

If you're not mormon, I suggest moving to Utah to find your fortune. For your son's sake.

My son's name has nothing to do with the problem I am having. Both myself and my son's mother wanted that name for our child and trust me, there are alot of worse names out there.


So can we keep off my son's name here?




I can tell you for 100% that my son's name is NOT the reason why she doesn't want to be with me... And his name didn't originate from a television show. It's the masculine form as Angela is the feminine form of the name

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/1/Angel


Stop asking shit regarding my son's name!!! I didn't make this thread for that. Angelus and Angelo are the same thing. Angelo is more popular of a word than Angelus but they have the same bearing meaning...

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Well then... for starters yes I'm a guy. Kiri means imaginary object that never fades away (existance in a nutshell). No she didn't sleep on the floor during her pregnancy. Yes, we do have a bed (a fold out futon with two matts) which she can't sleep on due to her back being arched along the spine.


No it isn't a matter of being poor or not having funding for bedtime equipment. Hard surfaces work better for myself and for her at bedtime and we prefer it (as weird as it would sound to anyone else).


And yes, I'm sure of it myself after the events that it could be postpartum depression. While I'm still torn up through all of this, I don't plan to leave her. I have larger priorities, bigger than our relationship as it was then and even now that mean more to me.


I really appreciate the opinions, but I don't think I'll just walk away. So I'm closing this thread.


Thanks.

I was speaking idiomatically.