Writing by Smelnick

I tried to find a section that was dedicated for writing. But I guess thats this place. Creators Cafe. So basically this will be a thread that I'll post various pieces of writing that I create. For now I just have one to post. Feel free to critique anything that you feel like critiqueing. No flaming please. Keep it constructive. Thankyou.

This is a poem that I wrote one day. Just outta the blue. Was bored and just started writing. I think it came out okay.

Spoiler:

Hidden Teacher
---------------

hidden teacher
fallen preacher
silent one
oh violent one
you made your path
and wreaked your wrath
broke into the world
silently hurled
your head it was twirled
your life it was whirled
but you settled your seed
'twas your greatest deed
you taught knowledge sans knowledge
and wraught evil sans evil
your heart remains pure
though there is no cure
you lie in your shame
sometimes without name
but the bond remains true
everyday something new
a pondering mind
with a liquid bind
knowing hardships
feeling time rips
to see you is my joy
for i'm merely your boy
never pass without warning
cast me not into mourning

As I get them onto my computer and saved as word documents I'll be adding more. I have a decent few

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Iambic tone, sir, is your friend,
Read first aloud before you send,
Mix all your words in a nice blend,
With that advice, this prose I end.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

No one really uses iambs anymore; at least when they write it. Iambs are more for analysis and criticism. So a friend told me anyhow. Thankyou for your comment however; I did reread and I found a few places where I can make a few word changes and then it'll be less tongue twisted.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Sounds like you have/had a crush on your teacher.

Zerg talks funny.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Not a crush on my teacher. Its supposed to be a poem about my father really. long story.

I was speaking idiomatically.

To me, it sounds more like a love poem written by a secret admirer. A bit creepy...

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Yah I guess it does if you don't know the history behind my father. Hmm. That just makes it cooler

FELIPE NO

Heres another edition to my writing thread. This is something I wrote one boring day. I was feeling down about something. Usually writing helps me get over stupid shit. So here it is

Spoiler:

As he lets the door fall shut behind him, the squeak of the door’s hinges and the sound of his own footsteps combine to form a queer ballad in the dark and empty parking garage. A ballad lost on deaf ears as his thoughts drown out even his percussive breaths and sighs that keep time in the still of the night. He ponders on his tour of life, for although there have been many audiences and many locations, has not the show been the same? The scene before his eyes is not unknown to him, in fact, so unknown is it, that it is etched upon his unfocused eyes. A horrible video played day after day where the actors change and scenes vary, but the plot remains intact. As he drives his car home, his thoughts travel back to a time when the picture was fresh and new. The picture remains the same but different people are viewing it. The book that is his life is still being written, but if one were to read it, they would see that it is authored by many people with the same writing. He is eager to reach the end of the novel. The rain falling on his roof and the thunder outside create the ambiance to a brand new scene. Fermented ink and pen honed to perfection record the final act. Thunder crashes like cymbals, defining the arpeggio at the end of his silent film. The night ends and the morning is ushered in by the trumpet of the rooster. Sunlight filters into the room giving life to the plant on the sill. A mote of dust settles on a black and white picture of two red seas pouring forth from his weeping wrists. The morning birds as music; background to the ending credits, credits with only his name.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Description overload.
The first sentance has way too much description. It gets to a point where it just becomes tiresome rather than eloquent.

I like the intent of the paragraph, but it wasn't formed very well. Also, I'd reread it again. You said that the scenery was not unknown to the character, however you say "in fact, so unknown is it, that it is etched upon his unfocused eyes." That doesn't make sense. It contradicts itself.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Yah, I did the contradictory thing on purpose actually. Hidden meaning. Yah, I do tend to be pretty wordy with things that I write. I can try rewording the sentences a bit.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Here's something I wrote a little while ago. Last fall I guess. Hopefully it isn't horrible. Suggestions are welcome of course.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Sorry dude and no offense but your writing is pretty terrible. =/

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Well, I can take criticism. However, I do hope to improve, so perhaps a few suggestions? What was it that you didn't like? Was it the grammar? The topic? Some specifics would be a little more constructive.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Aside from the fact that I couldn't read it past the first half of page 1 I can tell you this.

I think you need to take a look at how you think, how you talk, and how you write and try to make them different. Reading your writing was like listening to someone trying to describe something but going on unimportant tangents every other sentence.

Don't worry about the details when you're trying to get some sort of plot down in writing. If you're trying to describe events don't try to remember what song the band was playing in writing. That part was just awkward for me.

Also why would the bouncer recognize you if you later imply that you've never even been to that bar? Maybe I should have read further, I don't know.

Also the description of the bar was not so good. First you say its shadey then you say it was bright and colourful and also had a young band playing covers of new songs. Consistancy, my friend.

You can take my words with a grain of salt if you wish, I'm nowhere near "good" when it comes to writing but I hope this helps. Good luck~

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