Executive Decisions
 

I've reached the breaking point. Over the past few years, I began noticing my mom making some decisions without consulting anyone. She rearranges the kitchen every few months. She got tile for the kitchen floor to be redone. She bought some piece of furniture that is used for storage purposes. She decided we needed a new oven and fridge. She replaced several of the dishes. She adopted (not in a legal sense) a kitten from next door. She was the one who decided what to change my sister's room into after my sister left for college (although now she's back, but the room remains the same). She changed the kind of toothpaste we use until I told to change it back, using dentist's orders to support myself. These are just examples that come to mind while typing this. Today, due to the soon-to-rise cost of AOL, she bought a five-month plan with People PC. There was no waiting until everyone was home to have a discussion. She just did it.

Am I wrong to think this unfair? Am I wrong to think that she's out of line here? Do any of you have to deal with similar people? I swear, I'm so angry, I can't talk.

Yeah it must suck that despite paying an equal share of the bills you don't get consulted about every little thing.

You had better learn to deal with it, because when you get out into the real world and get a full-time job, you're most likely going to have a boss, and like it or not, your boss gets to make decisions about things, and sometimes you will disagree with the decision made.

Yup, you're wrong. It is in no way unfair. When you start paying rent, buying food, paying the bills, etc. then you might be able to have some say in what's going on. Otherwise, suck it up and enjoy the new kitten.

But, in most cases, but dad doesn't even get a say. He's the one that provides the income for the family. She doesn't even work! (Although she's trying to fix that.)

Then I would say that this is your father's war to wage. Best you could do I guess would be to try to incite him into raging about it.

Then maybe he's okay with it.

I only get annoyed when my dad barges into my room when I'm getting dressed after a shower and when I yell at him to knock first, he replies, "this is my house, I'll knock when I feel like it."

Your mom probably does most of those things out of boredom. I mean, she's a stay at home mom right? She has to find something to do, because she's not raising kids anymore. It's not all that bad. It's just a lot of the little things that make you go crazy. Tell her to get a hobby.

You can two things to get him to quit. First, is bust in on him and reply with his same smart-ass reply of "I'll knock when I feel like it". Second is just to walk around naked. Nothing will horrify your family more. If anyone asks just say, "Well, dad keeps barging in on me so I thought I'd show the whole family.". Although that option requires a indifference to modesty on your part.

One of those options is bound to work.

The only problem is my dad gets undressed with his door open anyway. I find it to be disgusting, but apparently "it's nothing I haven't seen before and we are family so what does it matter."

I guess I could consider walking around naked, but I don't think my mom or sister would appreciate that too much.

Okay, strike out on the first option then.

Second option; that works to your advantage. So your mother and sister bug your father to respect your privacy.

Which leads to my third option. Stop caring about your father walking in on you. Seriously, you've walked naked around the house now! What's there to really care about? Umm barricade your door.... Throw something at him? Uhh I'm out of ideas.

Once again, russ nails it. This is your parents' house to do with as they please. When you grow up, move out and start supporting yourself, your home will be your castle and you can do whatever you want. Until then, just be thankful you have parents who provide for you.

As far as the kitchen goes, in most homes that's sort of the woman's domain. I can tell you that I don't ask a damn soul before I make changes in my kitchen, since I'm the one who does all the cooking and a lot of the cleaning.

Although I do think that your dad should have a say in matters, unless they have some sort of understanding between the two of them that she makes all the decisions about household matters.

Interesting suggestion, though I wouldn't try it myself. ;)

Edit: Actually, you could try locking the door.

I'm pretty sure that if his dad keep's barging in he doesn't have a lock.... so uhh I had to be creative. :p

Many will say that since she pays the bills (or whoever does) and you don't, she can do whatever she wants. Legally, she can. That doesn't necessarily mean she's not being an ass about it and is justified in being an ass about it.

However, what I don't get is why these things annoy you. She buys new things consistently and makes intelligent choices, but you seem to be upset about it. I could see if she made extreme decisions, but all of the things you mentioned sound pretty inconsequential to me. I'd kill to have a new stove in our house; ours is about as old as I am. I wouldn't expect my mother to consult the family and ask for our permission to get a new stove, as it doesn't concern me so long as it produces enough heat to fry and bake food.

Can you explain why you're getting upset over such little things? New fridge not as spacious as the last? :confused:

The main reason, I guess, as to why I get upset is because it seems to be unnecessary spending. We could be putting money towards more important things like fixing the deck or re-carpeting the downstairs or just plain having more money in the savings account for bill-paying and whatnot.

I agree with Russ and Alice and whomever else said something similar.

Your parents pay the bills. Unless you're contributing, then you don't really get a say. I know it can be a real pisser sometimes - I've been there too. I am sure we all were at points. Especially when you want the frilly prom dress or the fancy new car and the new stove is more important.

If you can get a job and contribute financially to the household, you should get a say. But as far as your mother being the head of the household - its her house. You're her son and you can give your input, but she doesn't have to listen to it.

Don't worry. You'll get your own place someday and you can do with it what you want! But until you're on your own, and you're living with your folks, its one of the many sacrifices to be made.

I bet you might be a little anxious about paying for that college education too eh?

You have to understand where your mother is coming from though. No children to raise, and life in the suburbs is tough. It's a constant competition.

Yeah, because it's not like he/she's actually apart of the family... right?

Uh. No one is denying that. But the kids don't really get a say on the finances. Since, you know, they have no idea.

Parents are parents for a reason.

I don't consider sixteen+ years old a kid. That's about the time you should be learning to be a responsible adult, and treated as such.

I also think that the original poster has a pretty good idea about things that could be done that should be shared with his/her parents.

I don't care if you're 30 and still living at home. It is NOT your home. It's your parents' home, and you are living in it while they raise you. Then, when you become an adult (at age 15 or 50, it doesn't matter), you will leave THEIR home and get one of your own.

Not everything that goes on within a family is or should be a family decision. Children should be consulted about some things, but not about how the parents spend THEIR OWN MONEY.

And probably, the reason you don't consider a 16-year-old to be a kid is because you are one. I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but 16 years olds ARE kids.

You're still a kid, aren't you.

I said the same fucking thing when I was 16. By the way, 16 IS a kid. LEGALLY. You can't sign a motherfucking contract when you're 16. You are not legally responsible for SHIT. Thats why theres JUVENILE court. Thats why your parents are responsible for your ACTIONS until you're 18.

You're an adult when you turn 18, and EVEN THEN, you're not the hot shot you think you are.

Being older now, I know I wouldn't want my fucking kids telling me what to do with the family money when they don't even have a job or they aren't contributing at fucking all. Get a job, contribute.

Damnit, Alice beats me to the punch AGAIN.

Just what do you think a family is anyway? If anybody in a family has a idea for the family you should be "allowed" to make it known to everyone in the family. Does that mean you'll get your own way? No. Does that mean an additional viewpoint might be put under consideration? I surely hope so.

Not even close. Unlike your parents, my parents could trust me to make my own decisions at that age.

*edit*
At sixteen you're allowed to get a driver's license that puts YOUR LIFE in danger and everybody else's life in danger on the road. I hope your parents thought you were enough of an adult to handle that. Otherwise you had no place behind the wheel.

Just because your maturity was retarded doesn't mean mine had to be either.

You really think decisions should be left up to the kids in a family? Or that they should have an equal say as the parents?

I am AFRAID of what your kids will turn out like.

I'm glad your parents left you to fend for yourself at age 16. Those are awesome parents, dude!

YEA, WOW, A LICENSE! AND you can fight a war!

But you can't legally sign a contract. You can't buy anything without a cosigner. You can't do SHIT, kid. If you'd like to argue this with me FURTHER about the things you can and cant do as a LEGAL MINOR, I have years and years or experience with it.

Believe me, kid. I learned a HELL of a lot more than any 16 year old should EVER learn by the time I got there.

No, I just said that it should be put under consideration. Try reading everything.

When did I ever say that?

I did. You seem to think that kids in a family have a say about finances.

Which is laughable. Unless, like I SAID, they contribute.

You made it pretty clear you could "make your own decisions" at age 16. Which is ALSO laughable beyond comprehension.

Maybe you got to chose what color underwear you got to wear on the bus ride to sophomore English class?

It's pointless to continue debating this with you.

I made my point, you made yours. Anybody who reads it can decide who's opinion to believe... or not.

My belief is that since their decisions directly affect my life and the lives of my siblings that we should get a say. Maybe we don't want some things to change. Maybe we like the dish sizes we have. Maybe we like a gas stove instead of an electric one. They confide in us for other things, like where to go on vacation or what kind of computer to buy. So why should these things be different? Why don't we get a say?

If you're mad about them replacing a gas stove with an electric one, then you're being fairly shortsighted about that, in that significantly rising gas prices makes owning a gas oven far less cost efficient than owning an electric oven. But you wouldn't know anything about that.

Because its their money, essentially.

I don't see why you'd give a fuck about the dishes, so long as they're there.

And Russ is absolutely right about the stove. Why do you doubt your parents so much? Are you that emotionally attached to these things? Do you really think they're doing shit for no good reason?

Relax. Worry about your life and not about your parents' choices in dishware.

The stove you use doesn't matter. The dishes don't matter, etc.

You should pick your 'battles', and talk about things that matter ahead of time. If one or the other of your parents want to do something, they'll just go ahead and do it. If you've voiced a concern on the matter ahead of time, they can take that into consideration. If they go against your wishes, then it's for the best (at least in their mind).

Please note that when they ask you about things like where to vacation, you are not deciding where to go. You are giving your input before they decide where to go.

Also, what may appear to be a spur of the moment decision to you, may have been looked into for a long time. And a lack of communication between your mother and father may be less serious than you interpret it to be. A very large number of fathers couldn't give two shits what the stove is. So if they don't care, but if the mother cares, then it only makes sense to let her make the decisions on her own. The odd thing is her sons/daughters taking such an interest in a relatively trivial matter.

You don't know which stove to buy. You don't know the best vacation spots. You don't know which ISP to use. Etc. We've all been at that age, when you are starting to grasp such decisions, but been left out of them. That's one major reason people move out on their own, they want to live their life the way they see fit. You are free to do so when you are the one financing it, and the one which has to deal with the consequences of your decisions.

I don't like people claiming that I'm shortsighted and ignorant. I'm not. Sure, gas prices are rising, making an electric stove better financially, but gas cooks better. More still, here basic reason for replacing the dishes (which were perfectly fine, with some still not having been adequately replaced) and the fridge and the stove, from what I understand, was because they all needed to match the tile better. Nevermind that the fridge and stove were white and the tiled floor was black and white. No, they need to be black. Whatever.

Then stop acting like it. The fact is that it is your parents' home, and I am gathering that you don't pay any bills or pay rent to them or anything, since you haven't mentioned that yet. Well unless their actions are just seriously causing a negative effect on your life, you're pretty much just going to have to deal with it until you move out. I'm sure you'll be heading to college at some point in the near future, right? Well should your parents say "Hey Timmy we're remodeling the house and despite the fact that you're really only going to be living here full-time for another 6 months of the rest of your life, we are going to go ahead and ask your permission before we make any decisions regarding the remodeling. We don't want the next six months of your life to be in any way an inconvenience, so we're going to make sure that the remodeling, which will probably last 10 years or so before we need to remodel again, suits your wants, tastes, and needs over the next six months." Who knows, maybe with the money saved by switching to an electric stove, your parents will help cover a portion of your living expenses during college.

Double Post:
And also, money spent on the house, which I am assuming they own, since who remodels something they are renting, should be considered an investment, as it increases the value of the house. So don't try to say that any money saved on this or that was spent buying it or remodeling or whatever.

Man, you should be so lucky that the changing tile color is ALL that's bothering you at home. So many people come from broken homes, or no homes that they wished they had parents or had a home to have coordinated dishware in. Keep things in perspective and count your blessings, because it sounds like your parents have enough disposible income to remodel their kitchen and throw away perfectly good plates. If your dad, the breadwinner, isn't bothered by it, then why should you. You're eating the same, living the same, you're not directly effected except by a surprise look in the cupboard every couple of months. Just chill out and enjoy the time you still have when you don't have to pay a $100 gas bill with $80 in your checking account. Or talk to your mom about it, maybe something is bothering her that she had a need to change shit every so often. Perhaps she's unsatisfied and this is a cry for help. Who knows.

Hey I got pissed when I lived at home because my mom did crap for no reason. My mom liked saving plastic cups and covering everything in plastic wrap. It bugged me to be showered by empy Starbucks cups whenever I opened our dish cabinet but it was her house and my dad fought that war with her, not me. When I moved to my own apartment, I make it a goal never to save a plastic cup, which I can because I live by myself.

Maybe I should mention that, in all likelihood, they probably won't be there in six months. My mom keeps talking about how they're oging to move soon after I move out so that they can be closer to me dad's work. Really, buying dishes and a fridge (although, like I said, that isn't so much with the fridge) to match the tile seems really stupid when the tile won't be there in a new house... unless there just happens to be a kitchen with black and white tile in whatever house they decide to move into.

You are missing the point. IT IS THEIR HOUSE, NOT YOURS. You're living in their house while they raise you, at which time you will get your OWN house. You didn't buy it and you don't pay to maintain it. It. Isn't. Yours.

Now stop whining and go to your room.