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May 28, 2007 - 05:30 PM |
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Things could be better, things could be worse, but shit still sucks. |
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Well, today started off normal enough. I woke up at around 9:30 thanks to Kellye, went upstairs and ate breakfast. I was in kind of a shitty mood, as I normally am when I awake, and Kellye noticed this and asked why. I said no reason, and continued eating. She then said "Why do you have to lie to me so much?". This, as you can imagine, set me off. Considering that she's been with me for nearly 4 months now you'd assume that she understands the concept of me being very grouchy when I wake up. I responded in kind with "Why the hell do you complain so much?". She was taken aback and said that she doesn't complain about me. I began to spout off things she complains about and followed it with a resounding "Sound familiar, Kellye?"
The one she focused on was how loud I often am. What she fails to realize is that I am only loud to her. I see it as normal, as do most people. I like my music at a certain level, I speak with a certain vigor, and when I drink I chug. These are things I do, and have always done. She likes to nitpick and find random things wrong with me that I "need" to change. She likes to point out everything I do wrong, refusing to see anything she does wrong. She talks about easily she gets jobs, and tries to give me advice that only a woman can use. She fails to see that the last job she had was based solely on her bust. The boss even admitted it, yet she claims that it was her professionalism and poise. She points out all of these horrible things about me yet can't even look at her own reflection properly. I know my problems. I know what I have to change. Her pointing them out and attacking me doesn't make me want to change them.
I may have mentioned this before, but I have been diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder), also known as Unipolar Disorder, which basically means I am pretty much constantly depressed. Very few things in this world bring me legitimate joy, and for the longest time, she was one of them. Recently, though... She has become the antithesis to everything that once brought me joy. She is offensive, she's avoidant, she's unloving, and she's frigid. She has not once told me she loved me in several weeks, nor has she responded when I said I loved her. I'm afraid to be affectionate towards her, which kills me inside, because I am a very affectionate person. It really hurts me to think that she may not love me anymore, and honestly... the thoughts of hurting myself have been floating through my head. I would never hurt myself again, but the thoughts being present worries me. I've made this known to her, but she persists...
Anyway, after the conversation at the table, she stormed out, and said she was going to her friend Jana's house for a few days to give me the "peace from her complaining" she thought I wanted. I didn't want her to go. She was just fucking running away from me. She was so adamant that she would not change that she wanted to flee from me until I decided she was right. She is not, nor will I say she was for the sake of the relationship. As she stormed out to the car, I asked her why the hell she was going to just leave and she said it's what she knows I want. I told her that it wasn't. I just wanted to know whether or not she still loves me. In her rage she said "Maybe I don't" and just decided to continue attacking me. She attacked me so furiously she had an Asthma attack. When I told her that I loved her and didn't want her to go, she just gave me a dirty look. I walked away slowly, waiting for the sound of her engine, but it never came. I was given a brief glimmer of hope, but it was dashed the moment she stepped out of the car. The attacks continued, and they became more ferocious. I went back inside to go downstairs and get the hell away from her for a minute to regroup, and she stayed outside saying she didn't want to argue.
Obviously, I was caught off guard by this. I asked her what she did want, and she said she wanted what I wanted... to leave. I told her once again that that wasn't what I wanted. She asked what I did want and I said "I want you to stay here with me. I love you and I don't want you to go."
The dirty look came once again, to which I responded "But I guess that doesn't matter to you, does it?". I closed the door as she ran off to her car like the coward she is. I went downstairs, and dammit, I cried. I cried hard. My parents came down and told me I did the right thing. They told me that I shouldn't have to put up with that crap, but goddammit I love her. I don't want to screw this up like I screw up every relationship I've ever been in.
Around noon, she came back, and spoke with my parents for a while. Still saying nothing to me. She went outside, asked me to get something for her, and I obliged. After that I went downstairs and started to clean up. I did some laundry, tidied up, and offered to lend a helping hand around the house to both get my mind off the shit storm I had created and to possibly impress Kellye enough to get her to say something to me. Still nothing. My parents spoke with her, and hopefully got through to her, but unfortunately, nothing has come of it so far. She's still being bitter towards me, and I'm just kind of sitting here glum. On top of it, I'm really hungry... I should probably go get something to eat or something.
I dunno... I just sense this looming doom passing over me, and I feel like this is the end of me and Kellye. Nothing I can do can really save it, and that hurts more than you can imagine.
EDIT: Well, I've received some solace in this whole mess. Mostly thanks to my dad being a rational party while both myself and Kellye were quite irrational. My dad basically mediated the whole situation without a problem. He told her what was up and told me to chill out (it goes deeper than that but I'd rather not bore you with the details, since the main entry is full of 'em anyway), but everything is cool. I know what I have to do, as does she. It hit me like a ton of bricks that if I can spend an entire day being a douchebag then I can certainly spend an entire day trying to better myself. Lesson learned.
| Currently Playing: Cryptopsy - In the Kingdom Where Everything Dies, the Sky is Mortal |
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