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Arkhangelsk's Journal

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Sep 7, 2009 - 10:58 PM
Everything to Everyone.
Angst.
No, not the song (although it's now stuck in my head...)

I'm so STUCK. My mom is having some sort of emotional breakdown, and seems to think that everybody hates her/talks to her like a dog/is treated like a second-class citizen except for me, and now that I'm leaving for grad school she's latched onto me and won't let me go, and is depressed as fuck about it. All she does is cry about things, especially the fact that my dad just kind of avoids her or is irritated by the things she does -- which, not gonna lie, so am I, but I'm a girl and her daughter so I can kind of deal with it better -- and she does the annoying things she does because she is stuck in the house all the time, due to her being sick. Of course, my mom is one of the worst people to get sick, because she's always the victim in any given situation anyway, and when she has an excuse it's almost intolerable. And then, when you do something for her and it's not done 'her' way, she either tells you you're doing it wrong and tries to redo it herself, or gets mad that you did it wrong. I know that's why my dad is frustrated and sort of isolating himself, because my mom has all day to get her little rituals just the way she wants them, and then he tries to do something (like watch TV) and takes control away from her, and she gets naggy and insistent.

::sigh::

Now, not gonna say my dad's perfect, but I've always been able to see his point of view, because things happen to me that happen to him so I can relate. My dad is taking care of his dad, because my grandpa had a few strokes but is back living by himself again, and can't really do much on his own; he can't drive, he can't write, and he can't talk that well. He wasn't much on personality before, so now he's really dull. My mom is terrified that my dad is going to act the way my grandpa acted with my grandma when she went crazy, and that's not good... the men on that side of the family basically seal themselves away and don't do much. They seem to stick by their family, but retreat into TV or hobbies completely and don't go out of it. Probably because in the end, they're pretty self-sufficient and find it easier to just deal with the 'problem' part of their lives as little as possible and otherwise try to occupy their time with escapist things like TV.

Sometimes I can be the same way, but it just bothers me seeing my parents like this. Not only that, I worry because I don't want to ever be in a situation like that. It's like, since I left for college there's nothing for them to do. And to make things worse, my mom has decided to be slightly obsessed with going to church and trying to impose religion on my dad -- who was raised Catholic and really has no affinity for it -- and he's very, very resistant to going. Which makes my mom more upset, because she thinks that she won't get better if he's not supportive of it. To be honest, I don't particularly like the breed of religion she's floating towards, as it's the fake-crying-on-TV kind of crap. As it is, she goes to church and cries for half of the service, and it's just beyond me why this is.


The main thing is, I don't like the guilt trip my mom (and to some extent, my grandma) lay on me every time I leave for college. They act like I have to be here all the time, and unfortunately, I have to grow up. More importantly, I want to grow up, and they're just going to have to let me.

(sorry to be angsty, it's just there and it has nowhere else to go other than sit in my head)

PS: Just realized that this is a lot like the previous entry. Sorry... but not much has changed, except it's largely gotten worse :-/


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Aug 18, 2009 - 08:42 PM
Any only children on here?
Just out of curiosity. I happen to know several, and I've always liked being one, but right about now it's becoming a problem.

My mom and my grandma appear right now to be a little too attached to me. I think that's one reason why it was good for me to go to Austin for school, so they wouldn't get used to me coming around every few weeks. And it's equally good that I'm going to Cincinnati for grad school, because I'll be coming home even less (due to the schedules and such).

However, recent conversations with my mom and grandma (and even some of my old high school friends) have led me to believe that they all are really a bit naive regarding my future. After all, I'm a musician. The nature of most musicians is to move around a lot. My mom and grandma start crying at the mere mention of me leaving for my upcoming school year, and my grandma told me she'll be "glad when the next two years are over." What do they think I'm going to do, get my Master's and just go back to the Valley in California? What good will it have done me to go halfway across the US and abroad and get two degrees if I'm just going to go back and do the same shit in the same town, when I probably could have done well enough with less effort (and money spent)?

Not to mention summer and jobs and such. My parents get onto me about having a job, that I need to have one, but when I tell them that means that I'll probably have to just stay put wherever I am in whatever city I'm in (Cincinnati this time) and won't be able to come home for THREE MONTHS in the summer to hang around the house, my mom gets upset. I've told them that the vast majority of my friends go back home at most for 2 weeks at any given time during their breaks, and then they go back to Austin or wherever they live while going to school. They have jobs, and lives. I have gigs, and a mom that wants me there all the time.

Now, I understand, the last two summers my grandma and now my mom have been sick. They really appreciate me being around and helping them, because they have difficulties doing stuff for themselves. But I won't always be there. I can't, not if I'm going to have a life of my own. What will happen when I want to get married? What if I get a job in the midwest? My mom told me she wants to move wherever I go when I get a serious job. What? What if I end up in Europe? I have a friend who would be willing to help me with that... or even Macau or somewhere more exotic? Fiji Island Symphony, who knows.

It's just frustrating and upsetting to me that my parents want me to be independent, but at the same time they want me to be around all the time; actually, my dad is definitely not like that, but my mom and grandma sure are.

Ah, well. Everything works out eventually, I guess. I suppose I could be a bit more proactive, and just get a damned job and then they wouldn't be able to do anything about it. Because as it is, I need to appease them somewhat because they help me out financially.

Currently Playing: >nothing<

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[public entry #193]

Aug 9, 2009 - 05:36 PM
Addict.
--_--
So this past week I spent excavating my old bed from my parents' 'junk room' (the middle/third bedroom) because my back was dying from sleeping on the shitty Thai futon they replaced the bed with in my old room.

The bonus to this is that I would free up some space in that middle bedroom so that I could move the boxes and boxes of books that were taking up space in my bedroom. I didn't realize exactly how many books I had until they were all stacked up:


Six boxes of novels, one box of comics, one box of manga and four boxes of reference type books.

And there's still two boxes under my desk, some books in the top of my closet and the top of my room locker. And 5 boxes I shipped from Texas that are still sweltering in the SUV outside. Ughhh. So now we're going to buy a big-ass bookcase to go against one wall in this room, for all the stuff. I hope it fits them all... I'm thinking IKEA, but it would have to be shipped here, as we don't have one near us.


In other news, my grandma ditched me today to go on a 'date' with this guy in Fresno, to see a Jazz/blues festival.

Currently Playing: Soundgarden - Slaves & Bulldozers

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Aug 3, 2009 - 09:20 PM
Oh California
~_~
The only thing that's nice about it being hot as fuck all summer, is the fact that I have a pool, therefore I am going swimming.

:-D

What are y'all up to?

Currently Playing: Lithium on XM radio (ahhh...high school memories)

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[public entry #191]

Jul 23, 2009 - 05:03 AM
It's been a while.
I haven't even been lurking on here in what, five months? Basically the duration of my senior year of college... which I've finally finished, after retaking my math class this summer (I failed it for various reasons during the Spring semester... bothered me a bit, I've never failed any class).

BUT -- I still don't get my degree, because the chamber music professor I had last semester didn't turn in my grade, which means it's incomplete on my record and therefore holds my degree back. I wouldn't be worried, except I need to send my final transcript to the University of Cincinnati by September 1st at the latest. And the professor in question is currently out of the country on tour with his quartet . Ugh.

I've moved away from Austin, TX now, and that's really saddening to me. Austin is an awesome, awesome town and I wish that I could make a living there to support myself. But I can't, so I guess I'll just go back to visit from time to time. I'll be living in Cincinnati, OH for the next two years, starting this September (any GFFers around those parts?).

My mother's also been going through some nasty neurological problems that three doctors have yet to figure out, so far. She's been dealing with this since last November, and the closest we have to a diagnosis is "Probably Multiple Sclerosis." Not good enough, because the drugs for that are way too scary to use unless there's more than a 50% chance of having it.

Anyway. I know I'm not terribly high-profile on here, but I missed it nonetheless . Hopefully I can be around a little more, before my grad school takes over my life.

Currently Playing: Mystery in Swing

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Mar 21, 2009 - 01:06 AM
GRAD SCHOOL!
Here I come .


I was accepted into my first choice, the University of Cincinnati College-Conservatory of Music! And it was the first school I heard back from, to boot!

I'm so excited... I honestly wasn't sure if I was going to go to grad school (mostly because I assumed I wouldn't be able to afford it)... but I'm also getting a scholarship that covers 75% of the tuition! Honestly, I can't say how happy I am about this. There are a lot of things in place there that I think will be really beneficial to me, and the next International Viola Congress is going to be held there!! The teacher I want to study with (Cathy Carroll) is the chair of it :-).


SO EXCITED.
Now all I have to do is graduate from UT.


In other news, why is spring break so damned short? I've had fun and all, but really now. I'm going to have to disappear from everything except facebook until April .

Currently Playing: Katzenjammer and Rammstein

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Mar 18, 2009 - 12:08 PM
SXSW Spring Break!
Woo, it's been a while!

Just popped in... I've been super stressed/super busy (the same old story).
However, it's spring break!! Which really didn't start for me until today, and even so I'm having to use most of my extra time to practice for my recital; Hindemith's "Der Schwanendreher" is killing me slowly .

But, as it's my last year in Austin at UT, I'm making the most of it by sticking around for the last South By Southwest music festival . Last year it basically sucked, so I didn't feel so bad about leaving for Mexico. This year it's shaping up to be pretty good... the rundown of what I'm seeing from now until Saturday night:

- Hot Club of Cowtown (tonight!)
A local group that "blends the gypsy swing of Django Reinhardt and the Western Swing of Bob Wills." They get around... I think a few years ago they were on Jools Holland.

- Katzenjammer
An all-girls Norwegian band that opened for Kaizers Orchestra this past tour (at least, in Norway they did). I think they're pretty awesome, and I'm really stoked to see them live!!!

- Igudesman & Joo
Musical comedy duo made up of a violinist (Igudesman) and pianist (Joo) that do amusing bits of classical and pop-inspired sketches. I honestly never thought I'd see them live... so I'm really excited for this too :-)

- Hot Leg
Okay, I honestly don't think I'll get to see them, because they're more of an 'official/popular' act than the other things I want to see. This is really just me getting back to myself back in 2004/5, when I had a huge fancrush on Justin Hawkins' skinny ass in The Darkness the whole time I was in the UK. I also really like the song "Gay in the 80s." So... we'll see what happens.

- White Ghost Shivers
Another local band. You'd think as much as they play around here, I would have seen them since the last time I saw them in 2007, but I haven't. They're playing a couple of times, so hopefully I'll catch one show. Cabaret Hot Jazz, good stuff.

- Dan Le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip
I think most people have seen that "Thou Shalt Always Kill" music video? I like their stuff, but let's see if I get in... if not, there are always the dayparties.

Other people I might get around to seeing are Blue Giant, Echo and the Bunnymen (but they're going to be badges/wristbands only, I'm sure), Kamikaze Queens and (the Lord Weird) Slough Feg. But that's only if I have time. All the others are priority. Hopefully my time -- and money -- hold out!





Currently Playing: Espiritu al Aire - E Nomine

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Feb 8, 2009 - 11:21 AM
Travel Woes in Houston, TX.
It's audition season for musicians, and I'm not out of the loop. Over three weeks I'm doing 4 Master's auditions in 4 states, which means $$$$$$$$ (me spending it, that is).

On Friday I auditioned for the Shepherd School of Music at Rice in Houston, TX. This is the closest I'll stay to Austin in terms of my MM. My roommate drove me down (up?) and we stayed overnight in an airport hotel (my mistake...). My audition went very well, especially considering I haven't auditioned for anything in 4 years. I flew out that afternoon to MN.

On Saturday morning (!) I auditioned for the School of Music in Minneapolis, MN. It was a very strange thing for me to see a huge city with close to nobody on the streets, because of the cold and snow :-o. I have to say, kudos on the public transportation to and from the airport there. I don't have a car, and my friend there didn't have one either, so without the Hiawatha rail line I would have found myself spending $35-40 on a cab.

Which brings me back to Houston. Because of the whole flying-to-MN thing, I couldn't do the diagnostic tests that Rice requires the day of my audition. I rescheduled them for the following Monday, not really thinking how fucking difficult it would be for me to get around Houston sans roommate and car. One of my friends offered to pick me up, but he has rehearsal :-(. And a cab to the Rice University area? $60. NO WAY.

Why does HTX not have a decent public transportation system? You'd think with how sprawling the city is, they would have a nice rail system in place by now, or at least, one that gets you to and from the International airport. But nooooo... only the bus. And I'm paranoid to take the bus with my laptop and an instrument worth more than most people's cars :-(... we'll see how this turns out.

Currently Playing: Peter Fox -- Fieber

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Jan 6, 2009 - 04:35 AM
I've become a sheep... again.
u_u
So I just bought myself a new Macbook Pro about 7 hours ago.

Granted, I went with a refurb model, but hey, I managed to get it with a free printer bundled in for $1,700 . I hope everything works out alright.

Tomorrow I take my mom around for a battery of neurological tests (3 MRIs and an EEG). Hopefully by Friday the results will show something that is operable and not life-threatening, as I'm really concerned about her. As long as it's not a brain tumor and/or cancer I'll be relieved, although the prospect of MS or some sort of autoimmune spinal disorder isn't too cheery either .

1.75 weeks until my last semester of undergrad!
1 month until my first audition for grad school. WTF?!?

Currently Playing: Heart - 'Alone'

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Dec 30, 2008 - 07:42 PM
Help me pick out a laptop. NOW.
Frustrated.
Before I go crazy trying to make a decision. Whenever I come close to deciding, somebody tells me something or I read something.
I'm basically trying to decide between two similarly-outfitted machines (click for specs):

- Dell XPS 1530
- Apple Macbook Pro 2.4GHz
What I'll say is this, as for my ideas:

- I'm not a lover of Vista, but I'm not dedicated to OSX either.
I like the aesthetics of OSX, but I don't relish the thought of learning new keyboard shortcuts. At the same time, I'm not used to Vista's layout. If I go with either, I'll probably go back and forth between either MS/OSX or MS/Linux. Just 'cause.

- Productivity software (or lack thereof) is a nonissue.
I don't pay for software, ever. Everything I use is either illegal (Adobe stuff mostly) or Open-source. I find that the average user's software generally doesn't work for me when I get down to it... usually I have to download something to convert some random file format and such.

- Media center software is also a nonissue.
The only reason I have iTunes at all is because of my iPod.
I play stuff with foobar and generally loathe Windows Media and iTunes equally.

I honestly think I'd do better with Linux, except for the aesthetic whore part of me that doesn't like the way it looks (on average). I don't like being beholden to any one company... I hate Windows with all of their constant updates (like SP3 that moderately fucked up my current laptop) and extreme need for virus protection software, but I don't like Apple's ridiculous exclusivity and cultist/elitist take on everything.

Things I value
Things I do most on it, in order of frequency of use

The biggest thing right now is price. It's all come down to the fact that the Macbook is almost $500 more than the XPS, and it doesn't have a cardreader. It also lacks the amount and variety of ports that the Dell has.

Please give me some feedback
I know it's something of a silly thing, but I'm getting really frustrated here.

Currently Playing: TV

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