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Sep 7, 2009 - 10:58 PM |
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Everything to Everyone. |
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No, not the song (although it's now stuck in my head...)
I'm so STUCK. My mom is having some sort of emotional breakdown, and seems to think that everybody hates her/talks to her like a dog/is treated like a second-class citizen except for me, and now that I'm leaving for grad school she's latched onto me and won't let me go, and is depressed as fuck about it. All she does is cry about things, especially the fact that my dad just kind of avoids her or is irritated by the things she does -- which, not gonna lie, so am I, but I'm a girl and her daughter so I can kind of deal with it better -- and she does the annoying things she does because she is stuck in the house all the time, due to her being sick. Of course, my mom is one of the worst people to get sick, because she's always the victim in any given situation anyway, and when she has an excuse it's almost intolerable. And then, when you do something for her and it's not done 'her' way, she either tells you you're doing it wrong and tries to redo it herself, or gets mad that you did it wrong. I know that's why my dad is frustrated and sort of isolating himself, because my mom has all day to get her little rituals just the way she wants them, and then he tries to do something (like watch TV) and takes control away from her, and she gets naggy and insistent.
::sigh::
Now, not gonna say my dad's perfect, but I've always been able to see his point of view, because things happen to me that happen to him so I can relate. My dad is taking care of his dad, because my grandpa had a few strokes but is back living by himself again, and can't really do much on his own; he can't drive, he can't write, and he can't talk that well. He wasn't much on personality before, so now he's really dull. My mom is terrified that my dad is going to act the way my grandpa acted with my grandma when she went crazy, and that's not good... the men on that side of the family basically seal themselves away and don't do much. They seem to stick by their family, but retreat into TV or hobbies completely and don't go out of it. Probably because in the end, they're pretty self-sufficient and find it easier to just deal with the 'problem' part of their lives as little as possible and otherwise try to occupy their time with escapist things like TV.
Sometimes I can be the same way, but it just bothers me seeing my parents like this. Not only that, I worry because I don't want to ever be in a situation like that. It's like, since I left for college there's nothing for them to do. And to make things worse, my mom has decided to be slightly obsessed with going to church and trying to impose religion on my dad -- who was raised Catholic and really has no affinity for it -- and he's very, very resistant to going. Which makes my mom more upset, because she thinks that she won't get better if he's not supportive of it. To be honest, I don't particularly like the breed of religion she's floating towards, as it's the fake-crying-on-TV kind of crap. As it is, she goes to church and cries for half of the service, and it's just beyond me why this is.
The main thing is, I don't like the guilt trip my mom (and to some extent, my grandma) lay on me every time I leave for college. They act like I have to be here all the time, and unfortunately, I have to grow up. More importantly, I want to grow up, and they're just going to have to let me.
(sorry to be angsty, it's just there and it has nowhere else to go other than sit in my head)
PS: Just realized that this is a lot like the previous entry. Sorry... but not much has changed, except it's largely gotten worse :-/
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. Ugh.
. Hopefully I can be around a little more, before my grad school takes over my life.
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