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Dec 6, 2006 - 06:19 AM |
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Home Sylvestre Alone Stallone Telephone |
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Wellity wellity, before I venture forth into the sweaty world of midnight Blacktown (even though it's currently 10:30 ssh) with a kebab in hand (hopefully) I leave you with a nightmare! In my quest to find a Christmas season-ish themed Master System game, I shook my head. There's shit all. BUT WAIT. There's a free set of steak knives, Home Alone. Remember that movie? Yeah it was about some kid killing his family and turning into a Super Soaker 900, ruining the next door neighbours shovel and granting three wishes to a pair of home renovation experts. What a touching movie, aah. BUT WAIT. Call now. There's also the NES version, which is completely different! What a situation.
I'm not sure if they've successfully rendered all the glory of the red hot doorknob or it's just the NES' awesome limit of how many spew colours it can have on screen! "Do you like my bricks? I used the leftover ones for the door mat!"
Aaaand GAME START. Kevin has this weird walk, it's like he's pretending he's on a scooter or something.
Mere seconds later red man starts moonwalking my way!
"AUGH I'VE PUT AFTERSHAVE ON MY FACE"
The object of the game is to AVOID putting aftershave on your face, got it.
I successfully put down a TRAP! This trap gives red man a square head and chunky Megaman legs. There are trap cards all over the house, you put them on the floor, someone falls over, there's a thumbs up, someone else winks into the camera, canned laughter, credits roll. Or do they?
Up the stairs we go, must protect house, must place trap cards on floor rather than hide valuable goods and ring the police. Nice posture you've got there Kevin, make sure you get a nice banana before heading back to the zoo!
HOLY CRAP IT'S GREEN MAN! Out of nowhere (seriously, he just appeared in a flicker of sprite confusion)
"HAHA WE GONNA PLAY SOME GAMES TONIGHT LITTLE BOY, DRAW FOUR! WILD CARD! AH HAW HAW HAW HAW HERE HAVE SOME OF THIS"
"Not aftershave! Noooooo!"
Try again! This time I've slapped down two trap cards, backing myself into a wall. I think it's a great idea and would work in real life, try it! Infernal seal of approval. Mmmm, seals. As you can see one trap has worked, green man is DOWN.
AND AGAIN. Surely nobody can survive the punishment of stepping on two bits of cardboard with pictures drawn on them.
"HAW HAW I JUST WARPED INTO THE ROOM COME ON LET'S PLAY DUCK DUCK GOOSE"
"HERE PUT THIS ON"
"But I don't need aftershave to play duck duck goose! Auuuugh!"
So, honestly, I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing. I figured hey! The deep storyline in the movie advanced with Kevin going out to his treehouse, so maybe the game will too. Wow that's a scary spider!
By carefully inserting the rope into a hole in his head, Kevin can zoom across with ease!
What a boring treehouse! Perhaps the red and green goons will follow me and I'll make some smartass remark or something while cutting the rope? I'm afraid not, not with NES! Sooo uh, time to climb back down again.
"HAW HAW HEY KID DID YOU KNOW YOUR HOUSE HAS NO WALLS? THAT'S HOW WE DISCOVERED IT WAS JUST YOU IN HERE HAW HAW I SAW YOU PLAYING WITH YOUR MONOPOLY BOARD GAME THE OTHER DAY CAN I HAVE A GO SOMETIMES I LIKE TO PUT HOTELS UP MY NOSE FOR SAFE KEEPING"
"No get the fuck away from me!"
And just like the movie, it ends with Kevin having to.. take off his pants?
And now we move on to the Master System! Home of picture perfect digital Kevin "Oh shit I put it on again! AUUUUUGH"
Please go away. ;__;
LET'S DO THIS.
Are you telling me the entire house only has one valuable item in it? What a garbage dump!
Kevin steps forth from the cupboard. Quite a house they've got here compared to the NES version! Who needs doors when you have giant cup cakes!
Who's face is that up the top? Grandma? "KEVIN, I BOUGHT YOU A MY LITTLE PONY SHIRT FOR CHRISTMAS, LOVE, DEAD GRANDMA"
Wheeeeeeee! Waaaaaaaai- WHEN DID WE GET A DOG?
Now I'm here! Dude up above is so happy he found the valuable urinal pot he's fallen over. "It's everywhere". Also another amazing change from the NES one is that they don't chase you the hell around and walk faster than Road Runner's top speed down a hill. Awww naaaw, Master System, they're just quite happy to explore the house.
"Give me the pot or I shoot you in the testicles". Joke was on him, I shot him then got the pot. I GOT THE POT. THE ONE TRUE VALUABLE THING IN THE HOUSE. Kevin = worthless.
But then there was this Burnout clusterfuck crash. The dog enjoys running into people! My precious pot has somehow zoomed out of my body and gone through the floor to end up in the lounge room! Or whatever that room is.
Gee I dunno, why don't you try KILLING HIM?
After a while I figured out you're meant to put the valuable item in the safe. Just imagine I've collected the urinal pot in this image. =)
Yeah! Doing that automatically calls the police! I guess! Phew, the nightmare is finally over.. let's go get some ice cream. "Oh sis, you're the best!"
WHERE AM I? THIS ISN'T MY HOUSE. I'M FALLING! WHAT'S HAPPENING?
Oh God my brain! This giant food better be of the hamburger kind!
WHAT IS THIS PLACE WHY IS THERE A ROBOT DOG OH FUCK I'M HAVING A BREAKDOWN!
AUUUUUUUUGH! Why is this filled with aftershave!
Good!
What a scary night you mean. ;_;
| Currently Playing: Elite Force - Krushyn |
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