[DnD] URBX 8 August, 2536: Gary Indiana

6 Dice Rolls yoink!

As Rufus sees the kobolds charge his meatshields companions, and the rancor distracted by the marinated engineers, he switches targets, instead beginning to focus on those kobolds which were keeping the group penned in the corner. He fires two standard rounds into the two closest kobolds.


New Hunter's Quarry - Guard A.
Rapid Volley vs. Guards A and B i mean C. The closer one.
Elven Accuracy to reroll attack vs. A


One kobold takes the bullet right through the snout, and the other yelps as the shot flies into its shoulder. To add insult to injury (as well as more injury), Rufus pulls at one of the kobold miners as the shots find their mark, and the resulting corpse hurtles toward the backs of the unfortunate duo's heads.


15 damage to guard C, 16 damage to guard A.
Lodestone Lure vs. miner E.
hit. pulls corpse into guards, if we're already throwing things at other things. Rufus just does it backwards.


Rufus spins his pistol a couple of times and blows away the gunsmoke before realizing the camera can't see him. Ah well.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

19 Dice Rolls Miner F, same

"Well, Corey's dead."

"You don't know that! One time my buddy Chad had his spine ripped out and he lived for another five minutes! 'course, that's when the ogre beat him to death with his own spine."

"That doesn't seem physically possible."

"That's exactly what Chad kept screaming!"

"Pretty embarrassing to watch somebody like Callahan struggle with a little kobold glue."

"He's got plenty of upper-body strength, but he's clearly been slacking on his leg days."

"Boys, we're out of glue. Fire... the bullets that smell bad."

"I recommend you also back away from the voracious carnivore."

"Details."

"I don't understand how the kobolds have designed anything to be so smelly that even kobolds find the odor objectionable, and I don't think I want to."

"Regardless, Crushdick and Callahan are possessed of much more delicate olfactory sensibilities. Look at them wilt under that oppressive stench."

"Possibly they're wilting because they were shot in their already-mangled knees."

"Lydia, I think we both know that no real man would faint because of a little physical injury. But we are sensitive to bad smells. That's just genetics."

"On the upside, falling flat on his face has freed the Ayatollah's legs from the glue."

9 damage to Murderson, knocked out (and, perhaps irrelevantly, -2 to attack, save ends?)

6 damage to Crushdick, same deal

11 damage to Callahan from pickaxe'd
Guards B&C back off for lack of targets
13 damage to Engi C from rancor
8 damage to Callahan from getting rocked, bloodied


Mamara 11, Murderson 8, Callahan 3, Thorolfsson 27, Engineers 22, Crushdick 18, Guards 15, Rancor 15, Miners 14

I was speaking idiomatically.

2 Dice Rolls Save vs Reduced attack

(I'm going to assume I'll still be dying and reduced attack by the time my turn comes round)

Murderson found himself in an unfamiliar place again, although this time the nerd-farm was nowhere in sight. Instead he found himself knee-deep in snow, outside a vast, wooden hall, from which he could hear the sound of drunken singing. A warm, inviting glow came from the enormous doors which stood wide open.

The newly deceased demon stalked forward towards the doorway and as he approached, he saw two guardians at the doorway, clad all in furs with horned helmets covering a shock of ginger hair.

"HO STRANGER, ONLY THOSE WHO HAVE DIED A GLORIOUS DEATH IN BATTLE MAY ENTER VALHALLA"

The second joined in.

"THE RECORDS STATE THIS ONE IS WORTHY, ENTER FRIEND AND GRAB A PINT"

Valhalla? Certainly he had died in battle but despite his rather messed up memory since the Event, he was pretty certain he had never been a Norse deity. The penny dropped.

Fucking Odin, I bet this is his idea of a joke. I'm going to find that scrawny, ginger dick and make him wish Ragnarok was here

With a yell, he drew his sword and charged headlong into the hall, disembowling one warden as he rushed past and ripping the head from the other with three of his tentacles. He was into the hall before the bodies hit the ground, swinging and slicing, tearing through the ranks of dead Vikings in mid-carouse. At the far end of the hall he saw a mighty throne, on which was sat an incredibly smug-looking being with the face of a raven who burst into gales of laughter when he caught sight of Murderson. It took a few moments for the drunken horde to react but he had only made it twenty metres into the room before the hapless Vikings around him had armed themselves and the slaughter turned into a running battle. Freed from the constraints of the mortal world however, a measure of Murderson's godlike powers had returned to him and he hacked and murdered his way towards the throne.

Once he made it halfway across the chamber, the expression on the beaked deity's face changed and he started to look a little concerned. Three quarters across and Odin was starting to look decidedly nervous. As the Tiefling reached the foot of the Dais, the god was on his feet and behind the throne.

Murderson stalked up the steps, shaking his sword to remove the strings of guts hanging from the blade.

Now I have you, you beak-faced son of a Babylonian

He raised his sword, ready to strike the Corvid features off of the terrified Norseman but felt an all too familiar sucking sensation and realised he wasn't quite dead yet and his lust for vengeance would go unsated. He howled his frustration to the void as his soul streaked across the universe in the blink of an eye.

In a fetid chamber, deep underneath the post-apocalyptic mid-west town, the Tiefling's eye flicked open.

Seriously, in the name of the Prophet, I am going to fucking kill someone

Most amazing jew boots

1 Die Roll WHAT YOU'RE SUCKIN' ON

This situation seems all too familiar. No more crazy bat tricks for a while though, Mamara only has so many holes she can hide them in to begin with.

She stares down the Rancor, hoping to invigorate her fellow warriors.

Vitality transfer on Rancor
11+4+1=16 VS. 17
Miss...


As the Rancor doesn't seem affected by her charms, Mamara decides to play nurse once again, her simple presence calling back her friends from the brink. She starts cuddling the dinobot and speaking softly to his ear:


"RARGH... RABRARGABRU... GRAGARGAR... RAUGH... RAUGH... GARGLEGRAUGH..."

Shift to W5 to give Skills my +5 bonus vs. death

Steamy words indeed!

FELIPE NO

3 Dice Rolls LET ME MOVE GOD DAMN

Sven bellows, "I TIRE OF YOUR ROCK THROWING, PUNY VERMIN. WHICHEVER OF PUNY VERMIN STRIKES ME NEXT WILL BE CRUSHED. OBSERVE AND PERISH."

Sven retrieves the megaphone slung from his shoulder, his hand wrapping around the leathered grip stamped with Bergson and points it at the infuriating rat next to him. He continues screaming, "I HATE YOU SO MUCH THAT I WILL MAKE YOU DIE FROM IT" as the kobold's flesh peels away from its bones in long, jagged strips. He continues his tirade until naught is left before him but a lifeless skeleton crumpled in a pile of meat. I mean. Assuming it dies. If not then he continues until naught is left before him but an unconscious (save ends) badly wounded kobold. Either one is okay I guess.

Standard: Attack Guard A with Bergson's Malefic Devitalizer.
Hit: 6 + 6 + 1 = 13 vs. Will (13).
Damage: 21 (-3? lmao) + 2 = 20.

He turns his gaze to the rock-throwers and gestures with his megaphone, "WHO WISHES TO BE NEXT, CAVE MICE? PUNY CREATURES SHOULD RUN WHILE THEY CAN FOR ONCE MY LEGS ARE FREE THERE WILL BE FEWER PUNY CREATURES AROUND IF YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM SAYING (I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU)."

He screams another time for emphasis, bracing for impact in case the stupid creatures dared not heed his warning.

YouTube Video

Minor: Stone's Endurance

Filled with indignant rage, Sven manages to flex so hard that the hardened quick-dry glue encasing his feet and legs is stretched beyond its tensile limits and cracks into useless chunks that fall to the floor in a pile around him.

"GAZE UPON MY UNBOUND FEET AND TREMBLE, PUNY CREATURES. AT LAST I AM FREE."

How ya doing, buddy?

1 Die Roll lure vs. D

Rufus watches as the front line of the party goes down for the second time in as many engagements. At least the damage had been inflicted by those they were fighting this time, instead of their own allies. Which is an improvement. Technically.


Move to W5
Pick Ayatollah up off the floor


As he helps his allies up off the floor, Rufus finds time to pull another miner apart. Usually, when he'd use his power against living creatures in the past, they came toward him in one piece, living or otherwise. Everything down here, however, seems to have metallic central nervous systems. It's very curious. Rufus resolves to get to the bottom of this mystery once and for all after the current threats have been neutralized.


16 vs. 12 is a hit. Minion dies, corpse hits rancor, if that does any damage.


Jam it back in, in the dark.

16 Dice Rolls stirge bite rancor

"Callahan just... what happened there?"

"He just killed a man with the power of sheer hatred. Truly a mark of greatness. The Texican Rangers are selected primarily on the power of their hatemurdering abilities."

"Korgar, I need you to stop squirming in your seat like an excited schoolgirl. ROB, I'm sure you've noticed Thorolfsson pulling apart these kobolds with what are, at least according to records, magnetic talents. We saw the same thing a little while ago with the rats. Is there anything in our location research that explains the oddly specific magnetism the residents of these tunnels are expressing? Even Thorolfsson himself seems confused."

"As it happens, our location scouts found several empty drums with traces of gadolinium-153, which was used pre-Mistake in cosmetics, jewelry, and breakfast cereals. Unlike the ignorant savages of those days, we know that gadolinium has very limited nutritional value. Kobolds, however, remain ignorant and probably ate this gadolinium isotope because it was shiny-looking. Gadolinium has significant paramagnetic properties, and rat bites have likely transferred the contamination to most residents of the tunnel complex. An interesting wrinkle: gadolinium is unusually good at absorbing neutrons, which means most anything living underneath Gary Indiana is probably unusually susceptible to radioactive attack."

"Thanks, ROB. Knowing is half the battle."

"The other half would have been actually bringing radioactive weapons, which this team hasn't."

"But they still might win the battle. The actual, literal battle. I was talking about more of a rhetorical battle."

"Well, I guess you'd know everything there is to know about losing those."

"Better than losing control of a hungry rancor! Look at those kobolds scramble."

"Gentlemen, I think the rancor is probably more of a threat than the intruders. Clearly he has no gratitude for our years of loving care and all those times we made Corey clean its teeth."

"But how can we recapture it? You used up all the glue!"

"We'll have to lure him into more of the boulder traps. Everybody, get between the wall and one of the trigger plates. Now, I know what you're going to say, but sometimes you have to break a few eggs. In this case the eggs are expendable mining employees. Think of the life insurance payouts your clutch will get, boys."

"Is it also okay if I set the intruders on fire? Like, just while I'm doing the other thing."

"Sure man, go nuts. Anything you feel you gotta do. Life's short, you know?"

7 damage to Mamara; 2 ongoing fire damage (save ends)
9 damage to Rufus (bloodied); 2 ongoing fire damage (save ends)
Engi C's part of the Cunning Rancor Subdual Plan puts him out of line-of-sight

"Crushdick's still not getting up."

"But his unconscious agonized thrashings have freed him from what was, it seems, a subpar adhesive. URBX is brought to you in part by Dave's Dangerous Insanity Glue. Dave's: When it absolutely, positively, can never be allowed to escape."

"Looks like the kobolds are serious about this plan to be crushed by boulders instead of being crushed by the Rancor's alarmingly powerful jaws. They're not even trying to kill the intruders now."

"The boulders will be just as painful, Lydia, but the corpses will be significantly easier to recover. And, may I add, better smelling."

"He's eating me from an indirect angle which allowed him to avoid the trap! This is unprecede—"

Engineer B chewed to death

Mamara 11, Murderson 8, Callahan 3, Thorolfsson 27, Engineers 22, Crushdick 18, Guards 15, Rancor 15, Miners 14

There's nowhere I can't reach.

2 Dice Rolls Small or X-Large?

Finally, a chance for some well placed merchvertising!

Move to X5

Dark Beckoning on Guard B
8+4+2+1+4 = 19 HIT!
Damage: 5+4+1 = 10

Kobold Guard B is pulled to X2


Mamara takes a step forward to be sure the camera sees her a bit better before firing one off at the kobold guard that has just backed off halfway across the room. The shirt hits the kobold square in the face, but as soon as it comes back to its senses, it starts to walk towards the group, enticed by the incredible tagline on the shirt that just caused it to almost lose consciousness.


"When a woman wants to know if that smell is normal..." is what can be read on the front of the shirt, and: "She asks Jolly Polly, because she knows that she knows!" completes the tagline on the back. Though the advertising clearly isn't the most well thought out (although the stink lines where masterfully realized), the kobold seems to want to know more, and starts coming closer to the vampire seductress.

You wouldn't believe it, but I've been having this very discussion with my wife a lot lately. You think this rotten meat smells bad? You don't know what a stench is until you met Yorlanda. That's why I've been camping out here, the dungeons are refreshing next to that."

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

4 Dice Rolls Hit miner

Murderson was back on his feet and only his wrath at the kobolds for knocking him out and making him fight his way through a hall full of drunken Vikings was stopping him smiting his team mate for daring to lay hands on him.

He swung his sword a couple of times to limber up, noting as he did the tuft of ginger hair caught in the crossguard.

With vengeance on his mind, he set off after the guard who he had originally earmarked for a swift death. This was not a foe worthy of his blade however and instead he grasped the guard and his terrified companion with his tentacles, wringing the life from them in his fierce grip.

Move to Z6, Long Arms of the Sea on guard and miner

The weird crap the kobolds had sprayed all over him made his grip slippery and both his targets avoided death by tentacle, but their time would come...

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

1 Die Roll BLAM

Sven simmers with rage directed at the rock-throwing cowards, and aims his shotgun accordingly. He'd prefer to crush the rat's skull like a ripe dirtmelon, but recognizes that even he isn't quick enough to close the distance before he's noticed.

Standard: Fire shotgun at Miner C.
Hit: 15 + 8 = 23 vs. AC (15).
Damage: More than 0.

"Hahahaha! I have warned you, stupid rats! Stupid rats should pray to stupid rat god that enormous beast devours stupid rats because my plans for stupid rats are far worse than any beastly devouring could possibly be!"

Free: Scream threats of graphic murder.

I was speaking idiomatically.

4 Dice Rolls lure, if needed

Rufus, having taken a flaming shot to the shoulder, was beginning to get frustrated. Not for the first time that day, hewondered just how he had managed to get grouped up with this band of weirdos. A t-shirt gun? Really? You'd think they were playing in a padded room full of plastic balls, the way some of the group was acting. Granted, the way the other half was acting, every little rat or untrained kobold they killed would bring untold glory and riches.

Rather than worry about it further, he takes his frustration out on the perplexed and fumbling kobold in front of him.


Hunter's Quarry vs. Guard B.
Fading Strike vs. Guard B.
Hit for 22 damage.

IF (kobold.dead=true)
reload weapon
ELSE
Lodestone Lure vs. kobold. (miss)


Rufus' shot punches a hole straight through the shirt, leaving a hole with actual smoke coming from it right where the stink lines were supposed to be coming off of... whatever that was supposed to be. The kobold behind the shirt, meanwhile, does not seem to appreciate his newly aerated snout one bit.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

10 Dice Rolls dem derm dramages

"Hey, free t-shirts!"

"On kobolds, of course, they're effectively free nightgowns."

"That's true. But kobolds don't adhere to the same gender roles you and I do, and they're certainly an untapped market in women's hygiene."

"In all forms of hygiene, really."

"Exactly! Jolly Polly may have created an exciting opportunity here."

"He doesn't have a wife! Yorlanda's what he calls that can of old bacon grease he keeps in his sleeping bag!"

"Lies! This nice lady is going to help Yorlanda with her not-so-fresh feeling, and... oops."

Guard stepping on X0 (because Mamara lured him) triggers another boulder trap. Miner killed. 16 damage to Guard. Rancor and Stirge both dodge. Gonna rule that being hit by a boulder terminates the Guard's forward momentum.

"Did they actually remove any rocks from their mine, or did they just stash them all in creepy little rock-closets?"

"The hell is the tiefling doing?"

"He's just... caressing them. With his silky tentacles. Well, each to their own."

"In that case I hope that miner had a real fetish for having his face abruptly reduced to a cloud of blood. Amazing accuracy with a shotgun at that range."

"The smell of blood has drawn stirges. I'm seeing a flock of them trying to get into the tunnels... no, they're much too stupid. Ah, strike that. One stirge has..."

"A single lonely stirge has flown clumsily into the battle, haplessly trying to pierce the rancor's leathery hide with its... the... uh..."

"Proboscis."

"Well that goes without saying, Lydia. No one's going to pay a stirge for its services."

"There's a reason I get you a dictionary for Snowsgiving every year."

"Of course, you know how I love our New Year's barbecue."

"Anyway, that kobold's not going to be much of an ambassador for Jolly Polly now. He's got no nose!"

"How does he smell?"

"Whatever kobolds normally smell like. You would know."

"Well, we're out of tricks. We'll have to shoot them... with bullets. These are dark days, my friends."

11 (crit) damage to Murderson
7 damage to Mamara (and she's still on fire BTW)

Crushdick 18, Guards 15, Rancor 15, Miners 14, Mamara 11, Stirge 10, Murderson 8, Callahan 3, Thorolfsson 27, Engineers 22

FELIPE NO

7 Dice Rolls mosquito barf heals all

RAOJGAKLJGALJKGHUAGHUAGHAL

Crushdick is annoyed at getting cut down so much. Next time he must headbutt faster, stronger, harder than ever before. He will get the drop on his enemies like his skull gets the drop on concrete.

AGLJKAGasdg....GAGJAG....HFAHAGH

Standard: Twin Strike at minion F
13 + who cares it's hella murdered.

*Urp*

Uh oh.

*BLARRRRRRRRRRRRGH*



A momentary bout of indigestion caused Crushdick to ralph all over the concrete slab.

It wasn't until the smoke cleared that he noticed that several of last night's hourly giant mosquito snacks seem to have survived. Covered in 65 million year old stomach acid, they seemed particularly non-plussed.

Interrupt: Stirges, round 2.
Overcharge. 7. FAILURE.
5 stirges emerge from vomit, looking mostly unpleased.

Strangely enough, this isn't the first time this happened. It's actually not the first time it's happened today, either. Crushdick sort of just shrugs it off.

His lips still stinging a bit, he winked seductively at the Soldier who witnessed the whole sordid ordeal. It's not often you see vomit zombies.

Minor: Quarry on Soldier C.

Winking seductively before MURDERTOWN.

Standard, continued: Remainder of Twin Strike on Soldier C.
8+10 = Hit just barely.
2+6+1 = 9 damage, unfortunately not murdering it.

Murdertown is strangely still a ghost town. Population nobody. Crushdick is displeased.

Luckily, throughout all that, some of the stirge vomit hit the floor with such force it bounced up and hit Murderson square in the chin. It had some minor healing properties, it seems. It should be bottled and sold at trade shows.

Move for minor: Inspiring Barf on Murderson.
lmao 1 HP. Suck a dick shin.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

1 Die Roll Damage

Murderson had singularly failed to kill the infidels and now he was being shot at again. Completely losing the plot now, his anger was so great it caused him to erupt into flames, the fire streaking back along the path of the bullet and lightly singing the kobold.

Infernal wrath on engineer A. I might as well do some damage before I die again

5 damage, FML.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

6 Dice Rolls *oh, he mad

"That's some pretty impressive projectile vomiting, right there."

"Well, you have to figure the stirges helped. They were as eager to escape as anything trapped in a dinosaur stomach."

"That guard's doing the smart thing trying to shank Murderson. Stirges are always going to prefer a freshly-bleeding target if they can get it. No luck, though."

"Looks like the rancor's going to finish the last of those meat-drenched engineers, and... bam! Another boulder! It is impractical and ridiculous how many boulder traps are in place here."

Boulder! Minion killed straight up. 23 damage to Rancor and Murderson, who, I reckon, is quite dead. Rancor finishes off Engineer.

"Nope. This is completely normal. When you've dealt with kobolds as long as I have, you get used to it. They ain't too bright."

"Looks like Murderson isn't too bright either, running headlong into such a heavily trapped room. He's surprised us before, of course, but this looks like the end for him. I'm not sure any of his blood is still inside of his body."

"We may have been premature when we called it earlier, folks, but I think this is the first casualty of the night. Ayatollah "Fuck The Infidels" Murderson has been reduced to a delicate meat paste. Again."

"May he find peace and/or unending war and/or cold, silent decay in the afterlife he does or does not believe in. Release the confetti, ROB."

"Confetti truck hasn't arrived. All we got is this big crate of pamphlets we brought to hand out to the locals."

"Release the pamphlets!"

"Well, all right. 20% off tickets to the next URBX LIVE for any survivors, I guess!"

Mamara 11, Stirges 10, Callahan 3, Thorolfsson 27, Engineer 22, Crushdick 18, Guard 15, Rancor 15

There's nowhere I can't reach.

2 Dice Rolls Damage

For the third time in less than an hour, the tiefling found himself detached from his mortal body and floating through a higher realm. This was getting tiresome.

Expecting some more "Hilarious" japes from one of his fellow deities, he drew his sword and scowled meaningfully. All of a sudden however, he felt the all too familiar sucking sensation and again, returned to the mortal realm.

He was in a tiny chamber, full of a sticky liquid. A dull thumping sounded all around him and a muted light pulsed through walls that looked... veiny? A tube connected his stomach to the wall and as he tried to wriggle free, he saw tiny, flipper like appendages where his arms and legs should have been.

Fuck.

Fucking Buddha.

What a bastard...

Additional Spam:
Seeing the fate of the Tiefling, Mamara reconsidered hurling herself across the room to assault the remaining kobolds. Anyway, she wasn't sure whose side all the stirges were on and she was having a bad enough hair day as it was without getting pecked into the bargain. Far better to get the Kobold to come to her...

She pursed her lips and blew a kiss at the beleaguered Engineer.

Dark Beckoning on Engineer, pulling him to Y4 if hit

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

9 Dice Rolls delicious guard juice

"Another boulder?"

"Another boulder."

"Another boulder!"

Beckoned Engineer triggers boulder trap at AC4, is splattered hilariously. 18 damage to Rufus (dying). NOWHERE IS SAFE. PS why can't any of you count to 3?

"I always did like stirges. They just got that can-do spirit. Look at 'im, there, rasslin' that big ol' thing."

"Big ol' thing? I'm not sure if you're talking about the rancor or Mamara's, uh..."

"Bah, average at best. That's the problem with dead girls, no meat on 'em."

6 damage to Mamara, dyin' and grappled.
Minimum of 6 damage to last guard, dead.
7 damage to Rancor, grappled.

Callahan 3, Thorolfsson (KO) 27, Crushdick 18, Rancor 15, Mamara (KO) 11, Stirges 10

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Sven directs the robosaur to move, bitch, get out the way.



Delay turn until after Crushdick acts.

I was speaking idiomatically.

2 Dice Rolls pop tarts are delicious

RAJLKGAHUGHLAGHLAG

Those snacks seem awfully angry, for one reason or another. Dinoscowls didn't seem to get them to go away.

Maybe Dino bullets would.

Twin Strike in Stirges D and E.
9 + 8 = 17 > 15 = both popped

DINOSAUR TACTICAL RELOAD



Delayed Move until after remainder of Callahan's turn. Stand on top of Mamara's bleeding corpse.
Free Action: Make sure the last thing she sees on this earth before she dies is massive dinosaur grundle.

Most amazing jew boots

5 Dice Rolls AAAARGRGHGHH

Sven's face twists into a visage of intense concentration, the veins in his head and neck bulging as focuses on... whatever it is he's doing. The sound of a loud squish emanates from within his abdomen, and his expression changes briefly to one of confusion and then horror.

Attempt to overcharge alpha to change damage type and fail miserably, causing minor internal bleeding in the process.

Well, no matter! Sven still has smashing to do, and can plants really suffer from internal bleeding anyway? Who knows! He was a debt collector, not a doctor!

Move: Head to Y5 via X6.

"You! Puny flappers! Let go of small women and try picking on someone huge and mighty! It is probably not so good an idea, hahaha!"

Sven brutalizes everything within reach.



Standard: Lashing Creepers on all enemies within box from W3 to AA7. So Stirges A-C.
Hit C: 12 + 3 + 1 = 16 vs. Reflex (15).
Hit B: 12 + 3 + 1 = 16
Hit A: 16 + 3 + 1 = 20
Damage: More than 0.

Maybe plants could bleed internally after all.
Save vs. bleeding: NOPE

FELIPE NO

1 Die Roll death save

Rufus just lies on the ground, silently sulking. Just his luck. Of all the days the universe could have possibly chosen to hate him, it picked the day when he was surrounded by fools and walking into a deathtrap. This really wasn't the sort of death he'd been imagining for himself. If he was going to die in URBX, he at least wanted to go in style. But no. Crushed by a boulder set up by some suicidal kobolds and set off by one of them under the control of one of his allies.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

6 Dice Rolls sluuuuurp

"That was actually sort of clever."

"Looks like he strained something, though. Guess it's not URBX without a few weeks in a cast."

"Hot dog, the rancor's finally after 'em! Gonna turn this whole thing around, you just... watch and... aw, shit."

"Looks like Mamara was just pretending to faint. A little joke between two hematophages, I guess."

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of the bravest stirges I've ever seen and I've been working with and around monsters most of my adult life. This little fellow is clearly friendly, cooperative, a good judge of character. If you'd like to adopt this little fellow and liven up your home, just call the URBX hotline at 1-800-386-4366. Press 7 to be connected to our Audience Participation department. You won't regret it."

5 damage to Rancor from gettin' suckled
Rancor attempts to escape bloodsuckery: 12 is the target, so success.
Second move action to get over to Crushdick.
Minor action, claw time: failure.
Burn that Elite-issue action point! Burn it!
BITE HIM! Failure. FFFFFFF
Mamara's death save. Hey, how about that. You're welcome.
Crushdick's IN HER SPOT SIR so let's just roll her over a lil' bit
NO ONE MAY ESCAPE JERVIS THE STIRGE. 7 more damage to Rancor, (immobilized)

Callahan 3, Thorolfsson (KO) 27, Crushdick 18, Rancor 15, Mamara 11, Jervis the Noble Stirge 10

Jam it back in, in the dark.

5 Dice Rolls and quarry

Biting? Clawing? What the FUCK is this. No one out bites. No one out claws. No one out eats a fucking Dinosaur. Fuck you.

GAJKGAGAGH

YouTube Video

Move for Minor: Draw Swords
Minor: Quarry on Rancor.
Standard: Twin Strike on Rancor.
11 + 8 = 19 > 15 AC.
18 + 8 = 26 > 15 AC.
Two Hits.

Damage: 6+6+6+6+5 = 29.




ROAAAAAAAACHAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGAHCAHGACHO

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Sven crosses his arms and looks straight into the camera like he ain't give a fuck while Crushdick eviscerates the rancor beside him, its lifeless body collapsing to the ground.

Then they peace out like bros.



This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

"Rancor down! Rancor down!"

"Let's be fair, that Rancor didn't have a lot of fight left in him by the time he actually got around to acknowledging the team. Still, a very flashy finish by Crushdick. Murderson would have been proud."

"Or furious."

"Yeah, that guy was a little hard to read. I'm sure this team will be mourning the loss of the Ayatollah later on, but for now: more loot for the survivors! High Noon, you seemed a little frustrated by the Rancor's poor showing."

"Well, heh heh, it's no difference to me. I just think it makes a better show when everybody puts up a good fight."

"I agree. The meat diversion was an inspired move, though, and I think a comedy of errors can be damn good television in its own right."

"Well said. We've already got one of Melancholy's second-stringers en route, so they should take their time looting the bodies and setting any broken bones. Estimated drop pod arrival is within 15 minutes."

"As always, mid-delve pod service is provided by Magic Missile Airfreight. It's time to hear from the rest of our sponsors, but stay tuned to ICTV: we'll be back with more needless violence before you know it!"

"TOO MANY BONES? NOT ENOUGH CASH? WE'LL BUY YOUR BONES! CALL NOW AND RECEIVE THE CASH FOR BONES HOME EXTRACTION KIT. JUST PUT YOUR BONES IN THE HANDY RESEALABLE ENVELOPE, AND WAIT FOR YOUR CHECK! IT'S SO EASY! BROKEN BONES! TINY BONES! WEIRD BONES YOU FOUND IN A DUMPSTER! WE BUY THEM ALL! FOLKS, WE NEED SO MANY BONES RIGHT NOW! WE'RE DESPERATE, AND THAT'S WHY WE'LL BUY ANY BONE YOU SEND US. WE DON'T CARE WHERE YOU FOUND THE BONES! WE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS! WE JUST GIVE YOU CASH! CASH FOR BONES! CALL THE NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN! CALL RIGHT NOW AND GET NOT DOUBLE, NOT TRIPLE, BUT SIX TIMES AS MUCH CASH FOR CLAVICLES! WE'RE CRAZY FOR CLAVICLES TONIGHT! BUT THERE'S MORE!"

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?