HAY GUYS

Kara Mano Iru · Local time: Oct 25, 2007, 02:54 AM

I’m losing sleep in my waking dream,
Haunted by a reflection of you,
It hurts me to remember,
This painful thing,
I don’t want to say it-
Want never to remember it-
Want naught to do with it.

But there, it’s still there,
Whispering at me,
Keeping me awake,
I want naught to do with it.

I’ll wait for now,
Sleepless,
Restless,
Thin as paper,
Waiting to recover,
Please don’t make me say it.

Wrote it in about 5 minutes, curious as to what you guys think.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

No. Hard Pass. · Local time: Oct 25, 2007, 06:31 AM

http://www.gamingforce.org/forums/se...tty-poems.html

I can think of no better way to sum up my reaction.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Ozma · Local time: Oct 25, 2007, 08:12 PM

I don't think the phrase 'thin as paper' matches. But putting that aside, it's good enough. Just try to put more emotions in and you'll do better.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Smelnick · Local time: Oct 25, 2007, 10:18 AM

why use naught? why use that word? Can't you use the word 'nothing' like a normal person. What? It doesn't fit into your poem properly? Guess that means "STOP WRITING POEMS".

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

No. Hard Pass. · Local time: Oct 25, 2007, 07:25 PM

The man is sort of right. The form is flawed, the word usage is very high school. And the guy above, who said put more emotion into it, doesn't know writing at all. Poetry, even prose poetry, is not strictly about emotion. It's also about finding a way to use repetition, and form, and structure in order to put that sort of emotion on the plate and still make it usable. You have some talent with words, sure, but you need to refine it. I'd recommend joining a writing group, or taking some classes so you can actually do something other than just write a poem that looks like it would show up in Season 1 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Kara Mano Iru · Local time: Oct 25, 2007, 07:20 PM

Thanks Deni and Ozma! As I said, I wrote it in 5 minutes, not giving much thought. Just wrote down the feelings and whatever came to mind at the time. Wanted a little constructive criticism from outside before I went back to it. Again, thanks

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Traveller87 · Local time: Nov 11, 2007, 10:26 PM

I like it! Especially the "please don't make me say it" at the end. And I disagree with what has been said here before, it conveys enough emotions for me. Anything more would be too artificial, but I guess that's a matter of taste.

FELIPE NO