Abusive Relationships

I'm not going to attempt to argue about the whole "mental and emotional abuse are bullshit" thing, cuz, y'know, it's been done.

Lemme just say that not everyone who's emotionally abused has self-esteem issues and "doesn't think they could get anyone else." Honestly, I'm healthier than I've been self-esteem-wise than I have been in years. Oh, and I'm hot. Let's not forget that. It's just that someone who you've shared a lot of yourself with has all the tools they need to really fucking hurt you, intentional or not.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by soniclover

No, no protective gear. Sometimes I see her and she has bruises on her from their 'session'. Whenever I mention something about it, she just says something like "I got him back just as hard".

She is retarded. That is either a lie to cover up abuses, or they really do beat each other instead of talking. Either way, it's an unhealthy choice in a relationship. You shouldn't need to get violent in order to resolve your issues with a loved one.

Sassafrass, the whole mental abuse thing doesn't make much sense the way you put it. And you're right, if you consider the source as insignificant, then it's easy to walk away from insults/inconsideration. Problem is that one's boyfriend/girlfriend is someone whom you care about what they say. If their words have little effect when they are negative, then they have little effect when they are positive. Either way, it's a good reason to leave a person. To just 'ignore' it and pretend like everything is alright is what leads people to be in unhappy relationships.

And the point about the kids is crap. Those who stay together, in an unhappy or even abusive marriage, hurt their kids. You are better off with on parent than in a home which is full of such an atmosphere. Kids may not say anything, but they are affected by these things, and they notice a lot more than we think.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by PUG1911

That is either a lie to cover up abuses, or they really do beat each other instead of talking.

No, it's not a lie. She and her 'man' are both cold-hearted people. I can see it happen.

Originally Posted by PUG1911

Either way, it's an unhealthy choice in a relationship. You shouldn't need to get violent in order to resolve your issues with a loved one.

Well, technically, they are pretty happy when I see them together even if the fighting is unhealthy. Maybe it's just the 'thug' way of talking things out. It's just what happens when 2 violent people form a relationship.

How ya doing, buddy?

Originally Posted by soniclover

Bystander? It's not like that. They just hit each other and are both fine with that.

Ask ANY counselor, therapist, psychiatrist or psychologist if that's normal or healthy. I guarantee they'll say "it's not".

Originally Posted by soniclover

I'm pretty sure there's more relationships like this now though. People have a harder time talking things out.

Sure there are relationships like this, but that's why therapists and the like exist. They sort of act as referees so people can talk.

Usually people who have "hard time talking" actually have a hard time listening. They end up repeatedly interupting eachother and one gets fed up and attacks the other person. (Could be physically or mentally.)

You might wanna suggest counseling to your friend.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by eks

You might wanna suggest counseling to your friend.

When I mention stuff like that to her, she just laughs.

Somethings just need to be solved by that person (If they want to solve it). You can't change a person if they don't want to change their ways.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by soniclover

When I mention stuff like that to her, she just laughs.

Somethings just need to be solved by that person (If they want to solve it). You can't change a person if they don't want to change their ways.

Of course. I said "suggest", not "force".

She'll probably get help eventually, tho. No one is happy with someone that hits them or someone that pisses them off enough to make them want to hit them.

FELIPE NO

Sounds like battered woman syndrome. If you get a woman with more than her fair share of physical and mental abuse, she ends up being one very messed up woman. I'm very guilty of inflicting mental abuse on a lot of people, especially girls. It's definitely something I need to fix.

lol and eks is right. If you can't take breathing the same air as someone, stay away.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Devo

This is going to be a long one I guess.

Sass you a) can't use yourself as a measuring stick, b) have to be more specific when you talk of an abusive relationship and c) need to stop assuming these women can leave the situation they're in so easily.

Okay. Here we go.

I've been in many, many kinds of abusive situations that you can imagine from ex boyfriends to family members. (I didn't get this mean from being raised on sugar and spice, lady)

And yea, you're right - its NOT EASY to fix the problem. But unless you feel like getting shit on for the rest of your life, you need to stand up, slam down your fist, and start being the one who makes decisions for yourself.

I wasn't always a control freak like I am now. I learned to be this way.

I've had my life threatened by more than one person who was close to me. I've been smacked around, I've been thrown across rooms, I've been choked against a wall, had a woman literally come at me with a knife, threaten the lives of my family members, had a few forced sexual situations, et cetera. (The real reason I started weight lifting, actually. It was my only remedy in my mind to not get tossed around.)

The end result was me one-upping, and scaring the ever-living shit out of the abusers. Sure, not everyone can do that. I pretty much went insane with rage and in the end, I stopped the shit. It's not the MATURE way to deal with it, I admit. And yea, it was probably one of the hardest things to do. But would YOU let yourself get shoved around, slapped around - all that shit - when NO ONE was there to defend you?

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A: You have no idea what situation these women grow up and therefore can't really comment on their motives to be in an abusive relationship. Many grow up in abusive families and unconsciously seek out an abuser because that's all they've known. Some women have no real confidence or self-love so they're convinced although the man harms them, he will be the only one to love them. Others suffer total mental manipulation by their significant other and they seriously believe no one else will take them in, and since they have no real sense of independence, they are dependent. Even the scenarios I mentioned are just the tip of the ice berg because you have the ultra religious who don't believe in divorce despite circumstances, economic reasons, and the added factor of children.

Thats their weakness.

Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, Devo. Now, I know not everyone can't think like that, and some people don't WANT to, but SURVIVAL is the way to go here.

I know a lot more about abuse than anyone would imagine. I just don't whine about it.

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B: what kind of abuse are you talking about? One in which the partner has done it since the beginning? Married couples? A relationship that just became abusive?

The thread title is open to any and all abuses.

Physical abuse, in MY opinion, is far more egregious than mental abuse. Because just about anyone on the planet has suffered mental abuse at at least once in their life. Hell, we mentally abuse each other on these forums for FUN. ^_^

And in some cases, where men literally overpower a woman physically, a woman needs to put her thinking cap on and get into the groove.

I agree, though, that I can't use myself as a measuring stick. I just sincerely wish women would wisen up, get the fuck out, and carry on.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Devo

I don't think you insulting already insecure people is going to help matters. God forbid you become a help service operator.

Hey man. Their insecurity isn't my problem. They need to learn on their own.

Life isn't for sobbing about all the bad shit that happened to you. Life is for learning from your mistakes and moving on with them in the back of your mind as a lesson. EVERYONE makes mistakes. It's one of the wonderful things about life. WE ALL FUCK UP! =D

You know what the doctors call people who do the same thing over and over, expecting a different result every time, right?

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by eks

No one is happy with someone that hits them or someone that pisses them off enough to make them want to hit them.

Well, what if they actually think that's the way they are suppose to release anger? I'm pretty sure there's a lot of people who think hitting someone is the only way to solve something. There is a lot of aggressive people in the world.

I doubt girls like her will ever seek help because they are use to having that kind of relationships with others and probably think it's right.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Devo

Their insecurity is what keeps them in the relationship. You calling them stupid, idiots, morons or whatever doesn't help them at all. If you run into these people you should encourage them and assure them they are NOT what their husbands call them.

You do realize that by belittling them you're doing the exact thing their abusive partners do?

Sure! But they don't love me, and I don't love them! THUS, it should be a LOT EASIER for them to learn a lesson from me! Or according to your argument anyways~

I don't care about their precious feelings, Devo. You should know that. I am a horrible monster. I've been through it. I didn't need anyone to help me. I used the lump 3 feet above my very LARGE ass. I encourage them to get some balls and try it themselves. Until they try, they get no sympathy from me.

GOD, I am mean.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by eks

Ask ANY counselor, therapist, psychiatrist or psychologist if that's normal or healthy. I guarantee they'll say "it's not".

"Hey doctor, we have devised a perfectly functional way of resolving our differences"

"NO THAT'S NOT ALLOWED ONLY RAINBOWS AND HUGGING ARE ALLOWED"

Shut the fuck up.

I was speaking idiomatically.

OH NO YOU DI'NT

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by Devo

You make no sense. My argument had to do with your contradictory actions and mouth. You complain about group A (in the case people who are abused), but act to reinforce their insecurity by belittling their intelligence. You're just one of those people who loves bitching about a group but won't help lest you'll lose your superiority over them.

Well, depends on how you define superiority, Devo.

I didn't complain about them, really. I just stated my opinions on the issue, see. YOU'RE the one complaining about how MEAN I am being to them, "belittling their intelligence" and all.

Life should not be dictated by emotions, Devo. It should be dictated by logic.

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By the way Sass speaking of using your brain to leave an awful situation, since apparently that's all you need, how's dealing with your job and your dad's girlfriend going?

Why don't you ask her. I am sure she'd have a few angry things to say about what I do to make her life more difficult.

And I'm not sure how that has anything to do with abusive relationships, but nice attempt at trying to piss me off? I don't even know why you mention it, really. But it's interesting that you're complaining to staff about me!

Patience, my dear Devo, is a virtue. I've learned THIS among all things.

How ya doing, buddy?

Originally Posted by Devo

You didn't complain about them so much as belittle their intelligence. There are a lot of intelligent people who want to be in love and want to be loved. There are a lot of intelligent people who can get manipulated while in "love."

I definitely agree with that.

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You like assuming that because you found confidence and realized being abused isn't right that everyone works the same way. Sorry Sass, humanity is a lot more complicated than making a mistake and suddenly learning how to fix it.

I never said it wasn't. I made it very clear that I understand that people have a hard time, Devo. I am saying that eventually, these people will wake up, have enough, and decide to make their own decisions. Be the boss, essentially.

People need to pull up their own reins. Thats all I am saying.

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Also the point of my quip about your job and Cheryl/your dad was that you're obviously in an unhappy and dysfunctional circumstance, you have a brain why not just leave?

Because I am determined to win, see. Like I said: Patience. I've put myself through decades of hell just to win a battle in a glorious manner. I've never disappointed myself.

I don't walk away from a problem. I solve it. It may take some time, but I always always get the job done. ^_^

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Devo

If they don't know where the reins are or whether they exist how will they accomplish this task?

If a person doesn't know how to control their own decisions, they need to be in an institution if you ask me.

They are both a risk to themselves and others if they can't control their own decisions. =/

Quote:

That's what all abused people say.

Could be! I don't deny the abuse I've endured!

But let me remind you: this isn't a love relationship. Its a work relationship. And apart from you attempting to make personal jabs at me to upset me somehow (which it doesn't), I don't see what the purpose of bringing it up is.

If you'd like to continue the discussion regarding my work environment, I welcome you to any number of the entries I've made about it in my journal.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Devo

Decisions are only as good as the circumstances given.

Disagree.

Assess situation. Determine algorithm. Problem solved.

Quote:

It's an abusive relationship (even if it's not a romantic one), what's to stop you from leaving? You're smart enough, you even realize it's an unhealthy situation, why do you keep on working there?

Because I intend to go out with a bang, Devo.

No one steps on me and I subsequently back down. This never happens. I will go through hell and back to make sure the person who did me wrong gets theirs.

I will not continue to discuss the Cheryl Problem here, by the way. I can make an angst thread if you'd like to continue it. I'd like to try and encourage OTHER people to participate here. Not just you and I going baaaaack and fooooorth about it.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

That's stupid. Why don't you just be the bigger person, remove yourself from the situation, and save yourself some frustration and RAGE.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Devo

What if your situation never changes. What then?

Okay, so either I'm going to have to close this thread or make a new one in angst.

Which will it be, guys.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by Devo

You don't have to, people are basically seeing the denial of an abused person first hand with your replies.

"Oh he'll change."
"This situation won't last."
"I can beat them."

I don't think abused people say that, really. Especially when they're winning. =D
(also, on a personal note, there is a rather large change coming up. To which I've had a hand in. And there's nothing she can do. In fact, she's decided to work for the other guys. That will be in September. So theres that. Win.)

So I guess I'll close this now?

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

I never said it wasn't. I made it very clear that I understand that people have a hard time, Devo. I am saying that eventually, these people will wake up, have enough, and decide to make their own decisions. Be the boss, essentially.

Yeah, I'd have to agree. You can only fool yourself for so long. One day, the same old shit will start happening again, just like it always does, and the person who is the target of the abuse will just realise that life's too short to deal with this crap, no matter how much they think they love that person. Been there. Done that.

Originally Posted by Russ

That's stupid. Why don't you just be the bigger person, remove yourself from the situation, and save yourself some frustration and RAGE.

Oh come on... I'm pretty sure that Sass actually enjoys RAGE. Why would she want to save herself from that?

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by Soluzar

Oh come on... I'm pretty sure that Sass actually enjoys RAGE. Why would she want to save herself from that?

Kinda do. Its like playing with that cut on your lip. Or maybe playing with fire. CHALLENGE.

And Devo, what do you want me to say. I approach life in a different way than you do. I don't have sympathy for stupid broads. What do you want from me.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by Devo

Or they end up dead. Been there. Done that. Oh wait.

Dead? I must lead a really sheltered existance. I can't say that I realised people were ending up dead as a result of domestic violence... I know some people get pretty badly hurt as a result of it, but that's often when the "wake-up call" hits them, isn't it? Of course, I was speaking primarily of emotional abuse, which is the only kind I have any real experience of.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Manis Tricuspis

"Hey doctor, we have devised a perfectly functional way of resolving our differences"

"NO THAT'S NOT ALLOWED ONLY RAINBOWS AND HUGGING ARE ALLOWED"

Shut the fuck up.

So you'd stick around with a chick who hit you? You think it's ok for a dude to beat his chick?


Okaaaayyyy...

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by eks

So you'd stick around with a chick who hit you? You think it's ok for a dude to beat his chick?


Okaaaayyyy...

Umm, I actually remember a thread where it was explicitly stated that Pang-n-Sass smack each other around every now and then. This is completely normal and if you disagree Pang will be sarcastic at you until you see things their way or get tired of arguing with a brick wall that has been decorated with a beautiful spray paint frescoe of a man pointing defiantly at a jellyfish.

There's nowhere I can't reach.