Abusive Relationships

How do you define an abusive relationship? Do you put physical abuse higher on the scale than mental abuse?

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? What advice would you give to others?

Or maybe you hate the very notion and think 'dem bitches DESERVE what they get.

Let's tawk.

How ya doing, buddy?

Sometimes I think people stay in abusive relationships because they just have to have a boyfriend/girlfriend to function.

I know there's other reasons too but it's just what I think of whenever I hear relationship abuse.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by soniclover

Sometimes I think people stay in abusive relationships because they just have to have a boyfriend/girlfriend to function.

I know there's other reasons too but it's just what I think of whenever I hear relationship abuse.

I agree that some people can't stand being alone, and I understand that (though I think its retarded to need someone in your life to function.)

But at which point do you give up and decide "Okay. This ISN'T WORTH IT." What if you have kids, for fucks sakes. ;_;

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

The mental abuse is twice as painful as the physical abuse. The pain from a blow subsides. A blow dealt by a sharp tongue scars the mind for a long time.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Yes Sassafrass, exactly. When I was about 7 or 8, my Mother got hit by my Dad in Anger. He slept out in the car for about a week and then they got a divorce soon afterwards. There were 5 and one big house which all because the responsibility of my one working mother. She found a way to take care of all of us without him. That's what I call a strong person.

At the time, I told my mother, "was it that big of a deal? It was only once." but she said "if they do it once, they're just going to do it again".

I really admire my mother's strength. She won't put up with crap just to have someone there in her bed. That includes free-loading, lies, and just all around garbage.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by SemperFidelis

The mental abuse is twice as painful as the physical abuse. The pain from a blow subsides. A blow dealt by a sharp tongue scars the mind for a long time.

I disagree. It's a lot harder to hurt someone with words than it is with physical violence. Besides, the fear factor is MUCH more present with the physical abuse. Mental abuse isn't too terrifying, and you can pretty much control what you listen to.

Physical abuse, you can literally fear for your life. Mental abuse is just a bunch of bullshit if you ask me. Calling people BAD NAMES. I mean, come on. Get over it. Consider the SOURCE, here.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Mental/emotional abuse is a lot more than calling names.

Sometimes, it can all be part of laying blame; or, in some cases, refusing to recognize where another person's priorities lie.

Spoiler:

In my case, music (and the performance thereof) is the single most important thing, and Stephen has said that he fears the day when I decide that music is more important to me than him. Too bad it's been that way for these four years that I've known him. And so I feel like shit for feeling how I feel, but I stay with him because he's one of the few people with whom I almost feel safe.

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Physical and mental abuse hurt in different ways. Yes if they are beating you, you will fear for your life and it's probably safer for you to get out. I don't think I'd prefer one over the other, I wouldn't even put myself in that kind of situation.

People stay in these relationships, not really because they want a boyfriend, but because they have low self esteem. They don't feel like they can find someone better, or they make excuses up for the abuser and then tell themselves it's probably their own fault for making them angry. This is bullshit, but that's how people with low self esteem see situations. No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship, and some need help getting out. My coworker's been in an abusive marriage for several months but I'm so proud of her for getting the courage to move out. Now the guy's hospitalized so he can't hurt himself or anyone else. But if she didn't leave, he would have kept on drinking and kept on abusing her.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Quote:

People stay in these relationships, not really because they want a boyfriend, but because they have low self esteem. They don't feel like they can find someone better, or they make excuses up for the abuser and then tell themselves it's probably their own fault for making them angry. This is bullshit, but that's how people with low self esteem see situations. No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship, and some need help getting out. My coworker's been in an abusive marriage for several months but I'm so proud of her for getting the courage to move out. Now the guy's hospitalized so he can't hurt himself or anyone else. But if she didn't leave, he would have kept on drinking and kept on abusing her.

I agree some girls that i know of think their to ugly to get someone better. but if you would see them and see the guy you can obiuosly tell she can do better.

Also i have a quetion i have a friend of mines which is in a relationship with this girl who likes to play "rough".e.x she kicks him in the shins pulls his hair punches him in the arm and bites him and not the good way. Well anyways i could tell he get's mad sometimes but i can't understand why he stays? so my question is is play fighting abuse??

I personally think it's childlish and stupid i told him to that i would'nt stand going out with her for an hour.

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Originally Posted by Sassafrass

I disagree. It's a lot harder to hurt someone with words than it is with physical violence.

This really depends on the self-esteem of the person the words are about/directed at. Since you're not very self-consious, it may be difficult for you to understand this.

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

Mental abuse is just a bunch of bullshit if you ask me.

Your forgetfulness/ignorance floors me at times. You aren't everyone, Sass.

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

Calling people BAD NAMES.

Trust me, there are many more ways to insult people than simple name calling. Along with what wvlfpvp mentioned, it can range from anything from character attacks to lack of interest.

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?

Mental abuse is really only effective if the person the comments are about has a shitty self-esteem. Being that they already feel bad about themself, it's pretty obvious that they stay in the relationship because of this. (Basically, they feel like they're not gonna find anyone else, and some is better than none.)

On the flip side, the abusive person usually thinks the same way. They know that most people won't stick around for that shit, so they feel it's better to stay with the person that does allow it than to risk being alone because no one else with put up with it.

There is a degree of mental abuse in physically abusive relationships, too. Fear isn't a positive thing, and living with someone you fear can't be too encouraging, either.

(Suck it, soapy.)

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by wvlfpvp

Mental/emotional abuse is a lot more than calling names.

Sometimes, it can all be part of laying blame; or, in some cases, refusing to recognize where another person's priorities lie.

Yea, but so what? Any person with a brain can derive their own conclusions, right? And any intelligent person coul dbe able to determine "okay. this isn't the kind of person I want to be with."

I'll never get the emphasis on mental abuse. You LITERALLY can not be mentally abused if you just DON'T LISTEN to bullshit.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

I'll never get the emphasis on mental abuse. You LITERALLY can not be mentally abused if you just DON'T LISTEN to bullshit.

lol

You seem to be using yourself as the standard by which you measure everyone else. You're not wrong, but not everyone is like you.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Quote:

You seem to be using yourself as the standard by which you measure everyone else. You're not wrong, but not everyone is like you.

sometimes that's what i think is wrong with the world when people are to stupid to leave a mental abuse. I understand physical more than mental some people are afraid to get hurt. while in mental how are you going to get hurt with words

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by eks

lol

You seem to be using yourself as the standard by which you measure everyone else. You're not wrong, but not everyone is like you.

Yea dude. Totally. People should try to be more like me. The more, the better. ^_^

But seriously. Don't you think that listening to a bunch of angry bullshit out of your loved one's mouth is CRAP? Yea, okay, so it hurts if someone says something REALLY MEAN to you. About O GOD ITS ALL YOUR FAULT our kid is OBESE.

But seriously, people. Use some fucking logic and the mental abuse card will die out on it's own.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Yeah, Sass, I think you're very good at shrugging off verbal abuse. Others are not as resilent. The really bad ones crumble immediately.

How ya doing, buddy?

Well, we all have our weaknesses in our character.

I think people just need to find ways to build up their self-esteem somehow.

On a side note: I always found it amusing that those who always dish out a lot of verbal abuse crumble when someone actually says something about them.

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Originally Posted by eks

(Suck it, soapy.)

Thanks for repeating what I just said, lol

It's really easy for people with high self esteem think that people who have none need to just suck it up. That's what you'd like to tell them, but people who aren't sure of themselves find this very difficult to do and it's frustrating for everyone to just watch. I hate people who put themselves down as though they can't do better. Then again, overconfidence is kind of irritating too.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Everyone, let's be smart and 'Bring it off' because an argument starts.

Anyways, I know a girl who actually fights with her boyfriend to express their anger. They both hit each other (she had some nasty marks on her) and beat the anger out of each other. She was actually fine with it too. I guess they both didn't care about getting their anger out with physical violence.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

Yea dude. Totally. People should try to be more like me. The more, the better. ^_^

In this particular aspect, I think being more like you would be a good thing.

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

But seriously. Don't you think that listening to a bunch of angry bullshit out of your loved one's mouth is CRAP? Yea, okay, so it hurts if someone says something REALLY MEAN to you. About O GOD ITS ALL YOUR FAULT our kid is OBESE.

Of course. Unfortunately, some people follow their emotions instead of logic.

Originally Posted by soniclover

Anyways, I know a girl who actually fights with her boyfriend to express their anger. They both hit each other (she had some nasty marks on her) and beat the anger out of each other. She was actually fine with it too. I guess they both didn't care about getting their anger out with physical violence.

Anyone who attacks (physically or mentally) an innocent bystander should get some treatment for it. I don't care what they say, that isn't healthy.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by insertnamehere

sometimes that's what i think is wrong with the world when people are to stupid to leave a mental abuse. I understand physical more than mental some people are afraid to get hurt. while in mental how are you going to get hurt with words

when you love someone, their opinion means a lot to you. if you're not totally self aware and don't have the highest confidence in the world, getting shot down repeatedly will take its toll eventually.

honestly, how many of you have had something mean or hurtful said to you by someone you care about and it DIDN'T bother you in some way? imagine that happening all the time. sure it sounds easy to walk away from, but if you've somehow gotten yourself into a situation where you're constantly getting backhanded remarks, your self-esteem is going to waver and at some point you may even begin to accept the things that are being said.

that's why people stay in relationships like that. they believe what is being said and their "love" for this person clouds any capacity for logic they may have.

it's always easier to look in from the outside and say why the hell are you still with this person, but you're not the one with the emotional attachment to them. you see this all the time, like with the girl who is in a dead end relationship but refuses to break up her boyfriend because "oh but sometimes things are just fine!" and she'll make excuses to stay hoping that the "fine" days will come back despite being unhappy. it always sounds really stupid and why-are-you-doing-this-to-yourself, but in their mind it makes sense.

that's how it works with abusive relationships too, I would assume. they didn't start out abusive, it just became that way over time and the victims stay because sometimes things are just fine. mental and physical abuse go hand in hand, physical abuse just pertains to the beating, but instilling the fear in someone is mental abuse.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by ava lilly

when you love someone, their opinion means a lot to you. if you're not totally self aware and don't have the highest confidence in the world, getting shot down repeatedly will take its toll eventually.

honestly, how many of you have had something mean or hurtful said to you by someone you care about and it DIDN'T bother you in some way? imagine that happening all the time. sure it sounds easy to walk away from, but if you've somehow gotten yourself into a situation where you're constantly getting backhanded remarks, your self-esteem is going to waver and at some point you may even begin to accept the things that are being said.

that's why people stay in relationships like that. they believe what is being said and their "love" for this person clouds any capacity for logic they may have.

it's always easier to look in from the outside and say why the hell are you still with this person, but you're not the one with the emotional attachment to them. you see this all the time, like with the girl who is in a dead end relationship but refuses to break up her boyfriend because "oh but sometimes things are just fine!" and she'll make excuses to stay hoping that the "fine" days will come back despite being unhappy. it always sounds really stupid and why-are-you-doing-this-to-yourself, but in their mind it makes sense.

that's how it works with abusive relationships too, I would assume. they didn't start out abusive, it just became that way over time and the victims stay because sometimes things are just fine. mental and physical abuse go hand in hand, physical abuse just pertains to the beating, but instilling the fear in someone is mental abuse.

Well when you put it like that i guess it seems more understandable. I personally had a girl i used to go out with where as soon as she started pulling on my hair and she thought it was funny i talked to her and told her if she did something like that again i would leave her. I guess the problem is people don't take on the problems as soon as they arise, therefore making it worse.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

Mental abuse is just a bunch of bullshit if you ask me. Calling people BAD NAMES. I mean, come on. Get over it. Consider the SOURCE, here.

Mental and emotional abuse is sometimes a lot more insidious than that. I've been in a relationships which I'd have to describe as mutually abusive. It was all emotional abuse, nothing physical. I'd never stoop to that level, and neither would she. The thing about it is that for quite a while there, the two of us were very much in love, but neither of us were in any way ready for a serious relationship.

I know I never intended to hurt her feelings, and I'm pretty sure she never intended to hurt mine, but we were just so intensely bad for each other. I mean, I was poison to her, and she was poison to me. We were together for about a year. The first six months or so were some of the best times in my life. The last six months were pure, unmitigated hell.

We must have discussed breaking up about 3 times a month, but whenever it was me who inititiated that talk, she'd always insist that we could make it work, and if she intitiated it, then the roles would be reversed. Finally, There came this one night when things were coming to a head, and she was really pushing my buttons. Eventually, I snapped and said that it really wasn't going to work out. I told her I was sick of the games that both of us were playing, and she went through the usual routine of imploring me to reconsider. This time, I wouldn't be moved. It was just too late.

The next day, I was horrified, and begged and pleaded with her to take me back. She told me that she'd realised that I was right. It wasn't a healthy relationship. We tried to give things another try, a couple of months later, but it was just too easy to fall back into the same old patterns.

We both had major emotional problems, and rather than deal with them, we would each use them as a knife to stab at the other. In my case, I can only say that it's because I never really believed she loved me. If I had to guess, I'd say that the same was true in her case. It was fucked up.

I don't guess that you'll really understand why we put up with it for so long, Sass, but its complicated. I'm through that phase in my life now. I've decided not to seek another relationship, because I just can't face the prospect of being in another one like that. It's just easier to be on my own.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by eks

Anyone who attacks (physically or mentally) an innocent bystander should get some treatment for it. I don't care what they say, that isn't healthy.

Bystander? It's not like that. They just hit each other and are both fine with that. They most likely do it at their homes so no bystanders are present.

She says they do that whenever they are frustrated with each other. (You can imagine my look when she told me this)

I'm pretty sure there's more relationships like this now though. People have a harder time talking things out. Yes, you do get mad enough to want to hit someone sometimes but that doesn't mean you should act on it. Some of the people who act on that anger are the ones who regret doing it afterwards. I'm more worried about the people who actually don't feel remorse after doing that though.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by soniclover

Bystander? It's not like that. They just hit each other and are both fine with that. They most likely do it at their homes so no bystanders are present.

She says they do that whenever they are frustrated with each other. (You can imagine my look when she told me this)

I'm pretty sure there's more relationships like this now though. People have a harder time talking things out. Yes, you do get mad enough to want to hit someone sometimes but that doesn't mean you should act on it. Some of the people who act on that anger are the ones who regret doing it afterwards. I'm more worried about the people who actually don't feel remorse after doing that though.

I know that certain people have certain ways of working out their anger, but that seems a little extreme. Do they at least wear protective gear so they won't accidentally knock the other out and beat them to death?

There are alternatives to those who need to physically release their tension such as sports and exercise (similar effects without as much pain, especially sparring). They could even put a picture of their significant other's face on a blow-up doll or punching bag if they really need visual stimulation.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Visavi

I know that certain people have certain ways of working out their anger, but that seems a little extreme. Do they at least wear protective gear so they won't accidentally knock the other out and beat them to death?

No, no protective gear. Sometimes I see her and she has bruises on her from their 'session'. Whenever I mention something about it, she just says something like "I got him back just as hard".

Quote:

There are alternatives to those who need to physically release their tension such as sports and exercise (similar effects without as much pain, especially sparring). They could even put a picture of their significant other's face on a blow-up doll or punching bag if they really need visual stimulation.

As nice as that seems, people generally don't think productively (This is Dr. Phil type stuff). I guess they just want real hand to hand contact.

Jam it back in, in the dark.