Age Barriers in Romance

I've been single for a while and after approximately nine months of time spent enjoying the single life, I recently decided to renew the hunt for a girlfriend.

It is, however, seemingly more difficult now that I'm a good seven years older than I was when I began dating my ex. I've entered another age bracket, so to speak; I'm now in my early thirties and I've discovered that it's not quite the same game I was playing when I was in my twenties. The rules haven't changed but the attitudes of the players have.

I have plenty of social contact with young women in their late teens and early twenties. They're fresh out of high school and have experienced a bit of college. While many of them are nice and physically attractive, I find myself having little desire to date them. They haven't acquired enough maturity and perspective, I'm concerned that we'd find it too difficult to relate to each other's world. Their daily experience is no longer my own and I doubt I'd have the patience to entertain the insecurities that I now, in my wisdom, know to be trivial.

I'm not interested in older women either. I can accept someone who's one, two, maybe even three years older than me, but anything more feels innately awkward. If there's no possibility that we could've simultaneously attended the same high school, I tend to think of the woman as simply too old for me. Once again, her world and mine may not overlap well. I'm likely overthinking that one but I still can't deny my basic feelings on the matter.

On both sides of the coin, there's also the subject of acting in a socially acceptable manner. Set aside all the rhetoric about not caring what people think, because I often don't. Yet, I also see no reason to purposely invite strange stares or jeering comments - I'm not looking to date someone for the shock value. If you date someone who's too young, you risk being treated as a cradle-robber. If you date someone who's perceived as too old, you're treated as a weirdo (or if you're a woman, a golddigger). This is someone who might be with you for a long time; the disapproval of friends and family can drive a wedge between an otherwise happy union.


So I ask, how far above and below your own age are you willing to date? How young is too young? At what point does dating an older person stop being sexy and start being creepy? Do you react negatively when your friends date someone who's way too young/old?


Me, I'm 32. My cutoff seems to be 25-35. Girls below 25 are still inexperienced in many aspects of life and haven't yet acquired a full sense of themselves. Women over 35 are heading toward middle-age and sometimes become very oversensitive about their age and appearances. If they haven't been successful with romances, they might be inclined to "settle" and I wouldn't enjoy knowing I was the next-to-the-sort-of-kinda-okay-guy who came along. I require someone that likes me for me, not for merely having a pulse.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

The youngest girl I dated was 19 when I was 26 and, for me, that was a fucking gargantuan gap. Girls at that age are barely mature enough to not giggle when they see Orlando Bloom with his wavy golden locks in The Lord of The Rings and yet, there I was, trying to make a relationship with this broad who was still very much a fucking child in her own head.

Last year I was dating this girl who was 21 and I was already 29 which makes that about an 8 year gap. That seemed a little more manageable since we got along great and even though she could be quite immature sometimes, she was mostly level-headed enough to be called a full-grown woman. Still, the whole thing fell apart because I caught her making out with (get this) HER HUSBAND after work. Live and learn and all that jazz.

Having said all this, my new acceptable age gap for dating is 4 years and not a day younger. Perhaps when I have someone closer to my age it won't be such a disparate mess to deal with.

Then again, it's not like I'm actively searching for a girl at the moment but I figure that a 4 year difference is acceptable for most people.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

This subject is actually kind of a big deal to me. All my friends are anywhere from two to ten years older than I am. It's not that I care about age all that much and refuse to be friends with people that are younger/the same age. It just turned out like that for whatever reason, "naturally" if you will.

However at the same time, I always find myself romantically attracted to girls younger than me. Not way younger, but a few years. I've dated up to four years younger than me. And it's not really a physical thing I think--I like fully developed women, big breasts and whatnot. But I think it's the youthful energy that I like in younger girls. Well, rationalizing it doesn't matter really, the fact remains that that's how it is.

But it seems that my relationships are doomed because of this--I may be attracted to the girls, but beyond that there is nothing. So there is no way that tension will develop into a full relationship where I can get along with the person, which is really all that matters. Even my longest relationship (over a year, I guess that's not all that long but it is for me) was little more than sexual/romantic.

Even the girl I like now is two years younger than me. To be fair though, she's very mature for her age, she's got her life together more than me. But we'll see.

Anyway, I don't judge people for dating in different age categories than their own, short of lolicon/cradle-robbing.

As for "hard" age limits, I don't particularly care about age, but my rule is I don't date anyone who's still in high school (grammar school? Dunno how it works in the US exactly) or who's got memories from the year I was born. So it's something like 18-28. Similar to you Crash it seems.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

A lot of the time in my twenties I would end up dating people younger than me. The last of them was a girl who was 21 while I was 28. We dated for about three months. I generally didn't find these relationships particularly stable for the precise reasons you've stated. I didn't really recognise it as such at the time, though.

My current girlfriend is much closer to my own age. She's only 2 years younger than me, and we have a much better connection. She's that much more realistic about relationships, for one thing. She lost the stars in her eyes a long time ago, as did I. We both understand that it's not supposed to be perfect or transcendent. It's enough for it to be pretty good.

I never went out seeking younger girls, but due to work and whatever else, my social circle always seemed to include more 20-25 year old girls than any other age bracket. I guess it still does.

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The biggest gap I've had has been 10 years difference: I was 22, he was 32. Needless to say, that was an insanely short-lived relationship.

Like so many people, I wondered if it could work between us, despite the age difference. The answer was conclusively and resoundingly "no." He wanted to get super-serious. I was not ready to have anything serious at all. That was the major issue, really - everything else was just personality differences. (I'm an aggression, liberal person. He was a relatively passive, "emotional" guy - which I can't deal too well with)

In retrospect, I don't think I'd date someone so much older or younger anymore. I'm 26 - that gives me a range of 16-36.

I think 5 years is good enough gap. I probably wouldn't cross that boundary again.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by surasshu

However at the same time, I always find myself romantically attracted to girls younger than me. Not way younger, but a few years. I've dated up to four years younger than me. And it's not really a physical thing I think--I like fully developed women, big breasts and whatnot.

How young are you talking about? Breasts are usually done growing well before the age of majority.

As for me, I have a younger sister who's 18 so I'd be pretty wigged out about dating a guy close to her age. Maybe like 21 or something would be okay. As for an upper limit, I really haven't thought of it much, as my current boyfriend is only a year older than me. Maybe like 35.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I have a girl who is way too young interested in me right now. It's actually rather shitty because she seems mature, but I've made that mistake before thinking someone was "mature for their age" and it turns out they really weren't. (I guess all that really means is they aren't idiots, which isn't really good enough.)

She's 16~17, and I won't bother. I just feel shitty avoiding her entirely, but at the time I met her I had no idea she was that young and the moment I found out I got really uncomfortable.

I guess even when someone may seem mature there is still a large difference in what someone in their mid 20's (or older) will want out of the relationship and what the younger person is really ready for/wants.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by a lurker

How young are you talking about? Breasts are usually done growing well before the age of majority.

I realize this, and also that some girls don't develop big breasts no matter what their age is, so I guess I'm just saying that that's not my thing. So it's not like I'd want to date a 14 year old just cause she's all loli and undeveloped and that's what I'd go for, is what I'm saying. And don't try to pull that "thou protest too much" shit either.

Like I said, with younger I mean at most a few years. It's mostly compared to my friends, since they're all older than me.

How ya doing, buddy?

I was about to make a thread similar to this, so I'll give my input. I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years last May. For a while I didn't really feel like getting into a relationship, but like you I'm starting to look now that I'm out of that stage where you just want to be single after a break up. Anyway, I met some girl that works at a local restaurant and we made a connection. The thing is, she's 17 and I'm 22. I know she's a minor, but before she told me her age, I thought she was in college since I'm in a huge college town. Anyway, I don't really know if I should pursue it now that I know how young she is. Dating her wouldn't be illegal, but I'm not naive to what could happen. So I guess the lowest I'd go would be 19 (maybe 18). 3-4 years doesn't seem like too much to me once you're in college.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

17 - 34. Those are my limits. Entirely arbitrary, sure, but there you have it. But that being said, I highly doubt I'd be willing to date a girl under 19. I mean, I'm willing to fuck a first year university student or a high school senior, but I don't really want to date them. (Unless their name is Capo and they share my love of music... then we can talk.) I think for me the age limits are largely based on an attractiveness thing. I just don't meet many women over 34 who are hot, and girls under 17 are, you know, children. Either way, I don't feel like fucking a child or an old broad. That's just how I roll.

The last seven women I dated were 18-21-19-26-18-22-20. And they all worked out fairly well. Youngest I ever dated (since I turned 18... I dated a 13 year old when I was 14, but I don't think that counts.) was 16. Oldest was 32.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I don't really have any advice to offer, just a few stories.

One of my close friends sister dated a guy for 8 years, just recently getting out of the relationship. They began dating when he was around 21 and broke up when he turned 29. She is 19 at the moment. I'm not sure how dysfunctional their family was/is, but to allow your daughter date a 21-year-old at the age of 11 seems very irresponsible. I'm not even sure how he got away with it for 8 years.

My first girlfriend (subsequently the girl I lost my virginity to) was 18 when we started dating. She was a senior and I was at the end of my freshman year at the ripe age of 14 years old. Of course my inability to take her out, drive and get a job got old quick and she broke up with me. She was very brutal and blunt about it. "Look. You're a kid. I like Matt (some dude I didn't know). He's got a car, a job and he takes me out. We've only been dating for a couple months but I need someone mature who doesn't spend all his time playing video games with his friends."

My friend Angel is 20 years old and is dating a 30-year-old. I find this creepy and for the life of me, I can't get along with him. I've already passed a judgement in my mind and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to like the guy. It's very obvious that he's older (by his looks) but he ACTS like he's my age. He hangs around with a crowd that's my age, goes to clubs, lives with his parents, doesn't have a car, and can't maintain a steady job for the life of him. Apparently she's all :hearteyes: over him because he "treats her well". Now, obviously that's a very important aspect in a relationship but for some reason, she can't seem to look past the fact that he's a complete loser.

/end rant

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I usually set an unofficial buffer zone of about 3 years in either direction. That's not to say I wouldn't break that 'rule' if a decent enough person came along and she was either a little older or a little younger than that age gap. I've found, in interactions with people that are significantly younger, or significantly older, there is a huge difference in attitude and all that. Opinions and ideas are different and other such things. It's simply alot less hassle when you date closer to your age.

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I'm pretty liberal when it comes to other people's dating lives. As long as both partners are over the age of 18 (and with a cut-off point of about 40), I don't see why they shouldn't give a relationship a chance. My views get hazy after the age of 40, become more circumstantial. I'm pretty strict in my own life though.

I've never seen the attraction of dating a guy who was younger than me. Maybe it's got something to do with my current age group, perhaps a preference that will stick with me, who knows. As for someone older, at this juncture in my life I wouldn't date anyone who was more than 3 years older than myself. The difference in our lifestyles would completely alienate me. I also feel intimidated by the thought of having a partner who has far more life experience than me; it's as if I have far more to live up to in the relationship.

I was speaking idiomatically.

I'm not quite sure why, but I'm entirely UNCOMFORTABLE with the idea of dating a guy younger than me. I just cant contemplate doing it. I mean, dont get me wrong, it MAY happen in the future, but it would take a LOT of getting used to. As for my upward age-gap, I probably wouldnt want him any older than 26 or so... I'm 21. Fives years seems enough for me. Again, who knows if it could change, but I think that's what I'd be most comfortable with.

My best friend from home was 19 when she started dating her 28-year old boyfriend, and I found it disgusting. Maybe it was because of who HE was (is)... a 28-year old guy who she met because he was attending a college party, with no steady job, and who leaves hickies all over her neck... but I dont think I would have liked it either way.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Mine's about 3 years in either direction. Part of that is legality's sake - I am really uncomfortable dating a girl younger than 18, being 21 myself. I haven't exactly tried pursuing anyone over 24 (though I've had some make out with me unexpectedly) but I don't see why I would, really. I know I'm not at that level of maturity yet, and I wouldn't be the best choice for them.

However, the widest gap ever for me was about 4 years. Technically it was still legal, but also a very, very bad idea.

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Originally Posted by Divest

One of my close friends sister dated a guy for 8 years, just recently getting out of the relationship. They began dating when he was around 21 and broke up when he turned 29. She is 19 at the moment. I'm not sure how dysfunctional their family was/is, but to allow your daughter date a 21-year-old at the age of 11 seems very irresponsible. I'm not even sure how he got away with it for 8 years.

That's messed up. Here I felt bad when I was 22 and I tried to ask out a girl that was 15(While I thought she was 17).

I seem to always like girls that are 5-6 years younger then me. Most recent girl I liked is 21 and I'm 27. But it's not that I have a particular thing for girls that young... they just seem to be the only ones I can actually stand being around that are single. Course this is all fairly irrelevant since I've never managed to get a single girl to date me. Girls my age or older always seem to be married already or they have kids which can be an intimidating factor when I've never even had a girlfriend.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

4 years is my gap in both directions. I'm 22, so, 18 and 26.

I once fell for a girl who helped out on my movie who I was completely convinced was 18, and it turns out she was 16. That was rather depressing because not only is she incredibly cute, but she's extremely mature and witty for her age. Never seen a 16 year old like her.

Anyone more than 4 years younger than me just seems odd at this stage in life. If I'm still single in a few years, I'm sure I will be a little more lenient with the age gap considering everyone is essentially fair game.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I tend to be attracted to older guys as a rule, and really for anything serious I consider 3 years older than me to be the youngest. If I met a guy who was my age and acted fairly mature, then I wouldn't completely rule him out, but in my experience guys my age (22) still don't seem to know what they're looking for. Heck, even some of the 25 year olds I've been interested in are indecisive.

I think 8 years would be my limit, though. That's already more than my parents' age gap of 6 years; I find there's not enough common ground to have anything except friendship past the 5-8 year mark.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I seem to attract older women. The largest gap I had was 6 1/2 years. She's 31 and I'm 25. She was 25 when I was 18, when we met. We don't 'date' anymore but she left a large positive impact on me. Anyway, I think I will not go no further than 6 years..but it really depends.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by DarkMageOzzie

Here I felt bad when I was 22 and I tried to ask out a girl that was 15(While I thought she was 17).

Still a bad idea if you actually KNEW she was 17.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by Encephalon

Still a bad idea if you actually KNEW she was 17.

You believe 'legal' in New Zealand is 16 years old?

As for age ... 6 up, 3 down. Since I'm 20 though, the 'down' side will probably go up as I get older. Unfortunately, a vast majority of the girls that I meet around campus are too into the "I'm the center of the universe" attitude, and the ones that are mature, intelligent, and appeal to me on both mental and physical levels are either already taken or aren't dating.

Then again, I live in a city with a 1million population, so there really ain't that much choice.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Age of consent varies from country to country, so yes, I do believe it. In Mexico it's as low as 15 in some regions. But this cat I quoted lives in the US (if his country of choosing is correct) so why would he think it's OK to ask out a 17 year old girl when he was 22?

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Actually, in most states in the US, the age of consent "varies" depending on how much older the adult is than the minor. In Utah, for instance, if the minor is 17, the adult can be up to 9 years older (26). If the minor is 16, the adult can be up to 5 years older (21), and if the minor is 15, the adult can be 3 years older (18).

Supposedly. They'll still try to nail you with a misdemeanor charge if the girl or her parents come after you legally, but no felony charges ever.

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Originally Posted by Encephalon

Age of consent varies from country to country, so yes, I do believe it. In Mexico it's as low as 15 in some regions. But this cat I quoted lives in the US (if his country of choosing is correct) so why would he think it's OK to ask out a 17 year old girl when he was 22?

Because I didn't particularly care about sex. I just wanted to actually date a girl and she seemed nice at the time. Course the whole situation was made worse by the fact that she thought I was 30 and she told a blabbermouth about it.

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Originally Posted by Crash Landon

Women over 35 are heading toward middle-age and sometimes become very oversensitive about their age and appearances. If they haven't been successful with romances, they might be inclined to "settle" and I wouldn't enjoy knowing I was the next-to-the-sort-of-kinda-okay-guy who came along. I require someone that likes me for me, not for merely having a pulse.

Wow, you are jumping to some serious conclusions here. Cutting off all women who are more than 3 years older than you because of the reasons above is ridiculous. Not to mention that in your 30's the differences in experience become less significant as the gap widens. And, yes, I will admit there can be some sensitivity about getting older, but most of the women I know don't make it the number one topic or issue in their lives. You deal with it and move on.



And, Deni, women over 34 are "old broads"? You can fuck right off, sir.


To answer the question, I have dated, and will be dating, someone significantly younger. That's as far as I'm willing to open that can-o-worms though.

Jam it back in, in the dark.