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Am I doing something wrong? ... =(
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Erocental
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Old Oct 7, 2006, 09:01 PM Local time: Oct 8, 2006, 02:01 AM #1 of 23
Am I doing something wrong? ... =(

Hi!

Just thought I might as well let this out as it screws around with my head a lot...

I've never been in a relationship before... ever... and I am 20. I had the unfortunately pleasure of going to an all-boys school for years... I've never even really hugged a female before. I know some of you will probably now start calling me a loser and so on, but before you do I have been through it before and I resisted pressing the knife into my stomach, so you won't get me to do it again...

I don't know anyone... I have no friends that are close and I never go out because I don't have anyone to go out with... I just feel something missing all the time. I'll admit I did think I wasn't straight but I got over that. I won't ever have the courage to go out on my own, I'm too scared to...

Is there anything I'm doing wrong here... I just feel so lonely in this society that pushes you to lose it before your 18... =(

Jam it back in, in the dark.
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Fookin' Prawns!


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Old Oct 7, 2006, 09:17 PM Local time: Oct 8, 2006, 02:17 AM #2 of 23
You say you're scared; why? For your own sake, you need to overcome your fears and get on with your life, otherwise you'll regret it when you're older. That's what courage is - being afraid and getting on with things anyway. Isn't there any chance for you to socialise at university, or don't you attend one?

There's nowhere I can't reach.
Erocental
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Old Oct 7, 2006, 09:20 PM Local time: Oct 8, 2006, 02:20 AM #3 of 23
I did go to University but I dropped it because the course wasn't for me and I couldn't understand it... was a bad University as everyone left... but I will be going to a music college next year I think...

I just have been put down a lot too... and I can't think anything but that I am really bad looking even though everyone says otherwise... =(

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.
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Old Oct 7, 2006, 09:40 PM Local time: Oct 8, 2006, 02:40 AM #4 of 23
Well if you want an opinion, post in the Post Your Picture thread. Granted, you'd need some courage to do so but you've got nothing to lose. Besides, being ugly (if you are ugly at all, which is yet to be decided) has never been a hindrance to people looking for partners. Just look around town; somewhere, ugly people must be breeding because there are so many of them about.

The problem you have is that your attitude and the "vibe" you emit is the biggest obstacle to your getting anywhere with the ladies. It's a catch-22 situation because you probably think you could only get confident from female interaction, yet you can't get that interaction because you lack confidence. Anyway, I bet you're not as ugly as you think you are.

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Alice
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Old Oct 7, 2006, 10:24 PM #5 of 23
Ulysses nailed it. Looks have very little to do with how attractive you are to the opposite sex. It's all about confidence. Somehow you've got to make yourself get out and do something. No one is going to come knocking on your door looking for you, you have to go out and be a part of the world, even if it means feeling uncomfortable or out of place.

I was speaking idiomatically.
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Old Oct 7, 2006, 10:35 PM Local time: Oct 7, 2006, 08:35 PM #6 of 23
.... and the practical side of what AliceNWondrland just said is to go where people are. In other words, know what you like doing and where to find people who like doing the same thing. I know that's kinda vague, but since we don't know you it's hard to say anything terribly usefull.

Volunteering is a great way to get out, if social stuff makes you nervous. (Try googling for volunteer opertunities in your city, or show up at somewhere such as the humane society and ask.) When you've gone somewhere for a purpose, and the focus is less on interaction, then it's easier.

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Helloween
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Old Oct 8, 2006, 12:38 AM Local time: Oct 7, 2006, 11:38 PM #7 of 23
I think that changes of environment are always good to help start over. Especially if you've been in an environment that isn't good for you for many years. It sounds to me like you didn't have a fun time in highschool, but i'm making some assumptions here, so you can set me straight if you want.

You're going to a music college next year? that's a good step. You'll be surrounded by people you've never met before, who have nothing to prejudge you on, and, i'm assuming you'll have much more in common with these people, namely a love for music. Just be as friendly as possible, and always try to remain true to yourself, and you'll make long lasting relationships as you go through college.

How ya doing, buddy?
Vivace119
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Old Oct 8, 2006, 11:47 AM Local time: Oct 8, 2006, 05:47 PM #8 of 23
Originally Posted by Erocental
I did go to University but I dropped it because the course wasn't for me and I couldn't understand it... was a bad University as everyone left... but I will be going to a music college next year I think...

I just have been put down a lot too... and I can't think anything but that I am really bad looking even though everyone says otherwise... =(
I will give you some advice for when you go to University, I have been at University for a week now so I know some pitfalls to avoid.

The aim is to get a very good social start because if you do not get this right than it is going to get much more difficult afterwards. For my freshers week I made sure that everyone in our flats knew me or at least saw me plenty of the time.

I have seen quite a few people so far who have had a terrible start to University. After this bad start, they are already brand as 'reclusive', 'shy, etc. So, these people now have a negative label to overcome and people will treat them differently because of it. Basically, they are attracting the wrong kind of attention.

At first, meeting a lot of new people can be quite daunting and you will have some conversations that will be repeated with each person, such as:- background, what you are studying etc.

I also very much agree with Helloween that a change of environment is a good oppurtunity to start over.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?
Erisu Kimu
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Old Oct 8, 2006, 01:44 PM #9 of 23
Don't worry about relationships for now. That comes later. Forget what society says and what they pressure you with. You're in control of your own life, not them. You make your own choices. They don't make it for you. If society thinks it's the norm for people to 'lose it' before 18, whatever. Just do what you feel is best for you.

You need to step out of that fear zone or else your confidence will continue to decrease and you'll regret more things. If you have the chance, you should volunteer because that's a great way to be socially involved. Social interaction is a good thing and by volunteering, you have a better chance of that interaction than with avoidance. Also, what are you interests? Music? You're going to be attending music college, right? Well, see if you can converse with some of your classmates or people that sit around you. Small talk will gradually spark a bond. For me, I have my own interests in comic books, so you'll most likely find me lounging in comic shops and talking with the people there about comics.

You say you're ugly? Man, don't worry. There are tons of people that are uglier than you. Don't lose confidence because of your looks. It's about personality. That's what gets you friends and that's what makes you feel better about yourself.

Jam it back in, in the dark.
Tama8-chan
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Old Oct 8, 2006, 07:07 PM Local time: Oct 9, 2006, 11:07 AM #10 of 23
Confidence is the KEY.
Totally and absolutely.

There's a point where too much confidence makes you an ASSHOLE, but if you strike the right balance, then you'll find that a LOT MORE doors will open up.

One of the first things you can do to get some self esteem is to NOT CARE about what others think about you. When you get into that mindset, you'll start to realise just how easily you can get into a social group and meet some new friends.
Don't worry about getting ALL girls to like you. Having a female FRIEND isn't a bad thing; so many guys concern themselves with being the ultimate PLAYA - being able to pick up chicks that 'they want', sleeping around, generally being an ASSHOLE, and having no regard to how girls feel whatsoever.
That's not what it's about.

Eventually, you meet more and more people, and you'll see that some people become attracted to YOU.

It'll take a long time, make no mistake.
You just gotta be willing to make the first step, though....

There's nowhere I can't reach.
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Dekoa
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Old Oct 9, 2006, 12:32 PM #11 of 23
You sound alot like me !!!

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.
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Old Oct 9, 2006, 01:37 PM #12 of 23
Go to your local church. Always nice people there welcoming you
I can almost guarantee you that you will make at least new friends first day.

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surasshu
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Old Oct 9, 2006, 04:08 PM Local time: Oct 9, 2006, 11:08 PM #13 of 23
Originally Posted by Vivace119
I will give you some advice for when you go to University, I have been at University for a week now so I know some pitfalls to avoid.
This amused me a great deal. =D

Anyway seriously, I used to be a lot like you man, and I turned my life around. Looks don't matter to women unless you're excessively repulsive. What everybody else said is true: confidence. Don't take your exchanges with girls seriously. Goof off, be cheeky, make fun of them, and so on.

I'll give you a few specific things that you can try to get confidence levels up. Some of which others might've mentioned, but I'll chime in and stuff. Don't get me wrong, I don't have all the answers so take away from this whatever you want. Most of this stuff came from friends who are way more successful with girls than I'll ever care to be.

Okay enough disclaimers:

1) She is not doing you a favor by spending time with you--if anything, you're giving her a shot to hang with someone great (you).

2) If you meet a nice girl, don't spend too much time on the first meeting. The first meeting is a chance encounter, so there's no way you have that much time to waste. In a club setting, that means you're going back to your friends, and if it's in a shopping mall, you got shit to buy. Strike up a conversation, and if it has any spark at all, leave because you have stuff to do (make something up if you have to). Ask her for her email address. If she says she doesn't have one, ask her if she has electricity in her cave. I prefer email because it's much, much, much easier to write a good email than it is to have a good phone conversation, and well, I don't like to date girls that don't have an email address. That's a dealbreaker to me. =D

3) Stand up straight, smile, make eyecontact, minimise unnecessary movement, and talk in a low voice (not soft, but low, vibrating your chest as opposed to your throat). All of these things say "confidence", and if you start doing them, you'll start feeling more confident, and that is what really matters.

4) Be confident but don't make fun of things that are sensitive. Weight is a big one, no pun intended. You do want to be confident, cocky even, but you don't want to be an asshole.

5) Smell good. Obvious, but I still gotta mention it, cause as far as I know this is THE physical thing that turns women off. Looks don't seem to matter much at all (nowhere near as much as it matters to us guys). I read somewhere that women have better sense of smell than men, and while I don't know if that's true, I feel it's the right state of mind.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Last edited by surasshu; Oct 9, 2006 at 04:13 PM.
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Old Oct 10, 2006, 05:21 AM Local time: Oct 10, 2006, 09:21 PM #14 of 23
The problem with the advice you people are giving this aspiring pick-up artist is that no-one knows what it means to "be confident". Sisters are always telling their lonely social reject brothers, "be more confident" and "women love confidence" but the poor sod is always left wondering how to go about it.

The key thing, as I see it, is this; people are always giving away signs that women interpret as indicating insecurity or lack of confidence. Walk with a stooped posture: lack of confidence, walk too quickly: lack of confidence, talk too quickly, or quietly: lack of confidence, tell a woman you'll love her until the end of time: lack of confidence, indicate any sort of interest in a woman whatsoever: lack of confidence. These are all basic things that women look out for, even the so-called "smart" or "sensitive" ones.

Let me ask you this question; when you walk through a crowded mall, are you ducking and weaving out of other people's way? Or are they ducking and weaving out of your way?

What I'm saying is that there are certain relatively simple behavioural changes you can make, and once you make them and see the results (like women getting all horny and stuff) you will start to feel more confident.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?
Stop Sign
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Old Oct 10, 2006, 11:28 AM Local time: Oct 10, 2006, 09:28 AM #15 of 23
First of all, if you treat women like some otherworldly, unapproachable class of human being, you have to stop. Most women I know feel uncomfortable when a guy (especially a guy they hardly know) puts them on a pedestal of some kind. Try not to generalize women -- we're all humans, after all, and while there are some mental and emotional differences due to biology, putting women into one big group behaviorally is just counterproductive.


Next, you need to go out and make new friends, male and female. Doing so will allow you to become more confident about yourself, and in turn, makes it you more attractive.
Make friends with the intention of making friends, not in the hope of getting into a relationship, because believe me, people can smell that a MILE away. Make friends not just with your peers, but all kinds of people -- adults, children, professionals, students, so that you can learn about people, and by doing so, learn mmore about how you react in social situations. Self-confidence comes from knowing yourself as well as other people.

I understand that it might be hard for you to make friends, so a few suggestions -- join a club, or take up an activity, hobby or a sport. There are many ways you can do this -- join a martial arts dojo, maybe? Volunteer at a local charity? Check the city council for lists of activities you can do? Look up clubs at a local university? And yes, approaching and joining a group when you're alone and shy -can- be intimidating, but to gain the benefits of being in one, you need to overcome your shyness.

Of course, that's the key -- overcoming your shyness. It might help you to know that a lot of people are as shy as you are -- so why not take the initiative and talk with them? You might be surprised at how friendly people get. And if someone seems unfriendly, or downright hostile, just leave them alone, and find someone else to talk with -- it's their loss. After a while, you'll get better in differentiating between someone who's reserved or shy and someone who's genuinely uninterested talking with you.

Lastly.. I know about this whole "friend zone" business, and while I have talked to some women who said they'd feel uncomfortable dating their best male friends, my current girlfriend and I were friends for a year before we started dating 2 years ago. I guess my experience has been that the "friend zone" concept is a generalization, and that not all women (or men, for that matter), act that way. So, don't be afraid to befriend women -- but also, again, beware of befriending people in the hopes of getting with them. Just go out and make friends with no hopes or ulterior motives, and eventually, you might find someone who likes you enough to start a relationship with you.

Good luck!

FELIPE NO
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Old Oct 10, 2006, 12:29 PM #16 of 23
I can't be the only one out there who is very attracted to this type of person, am I? I'm just reading these replies and thinking "Nooooo, don't change!"

Just be yourself... and if you are shy and scared, then so be it. I think it's cute as hell.

Then again I'm single so what do I know :P

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?
surasshu
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Old Oct 11, 2006, 06:17 AM Local time: Oct 11, 2006, 01:17 PM #17 of 23
Originally Posted by Vkamicht
I can't be the only one out there who is very attracted to this type of person, am I? I'm just reading these replies and thinking "Nooooo, don't change!"
There's nothing wrong with being shy or innocent--as you clearly can confirm, some girls like that kind of thing (although a lot just say they do, and then proceed to marry the insensitive and abusive jerk, which is why most of us guys are so confused about what the fuck girls want from a guy). But being so shy that it prevents you from ever meeting anybody, that's just too immobilising.

Originally Posted by Vkamicht
Just be yourself... and if you are shy and scared, then so be it. I think it's cute as hell.
I basically agree with the sentiment, because I believe you should be confident, not act it.

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Old Oct 19, 2006, 07:21 PM Local time: Oct 19, 2006, 07:21 PM #18 of 23
Get your rear out there and communicate with people! You aren't going to have anything exciting happen in your life if you don't talk with other people. Trust me, the world isn't as evil as every one says it is.

There are people that may take advantage of you, but sometimes its all about experience. Get yourself out there and into the mess. Eventually, you will find someone that tickles your fancy, and vice versa, and then you will live happily ever after.

Oh, and being 20 and no previous relationship isn't a huge deal. I know 24 year old that have never been in one.

Good luck!

There's nowhere I can't reach.
avanent
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Old Oct 19, 2006, 10:55 PM Local time: Oct 20, 2006, 12:55 PM #19 of 23
You might be a looser. You might not be.

It may be you, it may be the situation. As you explained it, it sounds like it could be situational. You just need to get out there and get to know people. Be your self, and be honest. You may get scorned for it here and there, and it can hurt. However, when you find someone who likes you for who you ARE and not who you pretend to be... its very rewarding and self fulfilling. And while it lasts, nothing else matters.

It can be hard to go out when you dont know anyone. But not gonig out isn't going to get you to meet anyone. The easiest way i've found to meet people, is acutally through my job. I work hospitality, and its a great way to meet people in my city. I work with different people all the time, but often enough to start a friendship. By doing this, you already have common ground, and dont have to pull for straws. Hell, it even pays decently for a kiddo.

Any girl whos worth their salt shouldn't mind you being a virgin. Actually, most the decent girls prefer less over more. Its easy to find a man whos willing to hump the common house plant.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.
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Old Oct 20, 2006, 06:45 AM Local time: Oct 20, 2006, 09:15 AM #20 of 23
Originally Posted by Erocental
Hi!

Just thought I might as well let this out as it screws around with my head a lot...

I've never been in a relationship before... ever... and I am 20. I had the unfortunately pleasure of going to an all-boys school for years... I've never even really hugged a female before. I know some of you will probably now start calling me a loser and so on, but before you do I have been through it before and I resisted pressing the knife into my stomach, so you won't get me to do it again...

I don't know anyone... I have no friends that are close and I never go out because I don't have anyone to go out with... I just feel something missing all the time. I'll admit I did think I wasn't straight but I got over that. I won't ever have the courage to go out on my own, I'm too scared to...

Is there anything I'm doing wrong here... I just feel so lonely in this society that pushes you to lose it before your 18... =(
everything begins with a first step, but the time to do it is when you feel ready. just remember that there was a wide world, and some of this world's most memorable moments come from those who decide to do something that completely goes against all their fears and doubts, and make a stand. I say go for it, but at a pace comfortable to you

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Soluzar
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Old Oct 20, 2006, 09:22 AM Local time: Oct 20, 2006, 03:22 PM #21 of 23
Dating someone who also isn't too confident in the field of relationships might help. It has helped me. I didn't have a lot of romantic relationships growing up, and even when I got into my twenties, I just had a succession of disasterous relationships.

Now I'm dating someone else who hasn't done a lot of dating, and both of us feel good about the fact that it's a level playing field.

I was speaking idiomatically.
MageDie
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Old Oct 20, 2006, 01:27 PM Local time: Oct 20, 2006, 07:27 PM #22 of 23
Don't be scared by women or girls but try to socialise more. You'll earn some experience and perhaps you'll find the love of your dreams!!!

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?
Ayos
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Old Oct 20, 2006, 01:40 PM Local time: Oct 20, 2006, 12:40 PM #23 of 23
surasshu nailed it. All those pointers were totally correct.

As for what it means to "be confident" and HOW to do it... there's only one thing TO do. Fake it til you make it. Read on.

I DON'T mean for you to be like "Hey look at me, I'm a BAMF, suckahs, yeah... check me out." I DO mean for you to follow all (yes ALL) of surasshu's pointers... ESPECIALLY eye contact. My natural reaction usually when I make eye contact with a beautiful woman, is to look away. WTF is that? It's like a knee-jerk reaction, it just automatically happens - our eyes meet, I look away. I start talking to drop-dead gorgeous women, I get nervous. So how do you fix this? Practice practice practice.

Do you have any idea how well it would "cure" your shyness if you spent a day in a shopping mall going up to 100 beautiful women (or at least above-average women) and saying "Hey, I'm trying to overcome my shyness when it comes to approaching and talking to women. What do you think?"
The first ten or twenty you'll be totally nervous. After that, by the time you hit #50, guaranteed, you will be so comfortable and confident that you'll be able to throw in some jokes, make her laugh, maybe even get some phone numbers or e-mail addresses (e-mail's a lot less threatening, go with this one first like surasshu said.)

And a note on the smelling-good... do some research locally and on the net. Find out what all your friends say smells good, find out what everyone else is saying smells good. My personal favorite right now is Dolce & Gabbana (expensive but worth it, TRUST me) sometimes I add a couple sprays of Anchor Blue's "Azul" (very inexpensive and very noticeable) or Axe Lab (same deal) on my jacket to give her a nice mixture - she'll notice one, then lean in and notice the underlying scent and won't be able to help but say "You smell REALLY good..." and leans in even closer. Works GREAT.

FELIPE NO
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