Am I dumb for wishing I loved someone?

Back when I was living in Orlando, I was dating a man in Gainesville. He was very nice, generous, and fairly attractive. However, there was nothing unique or special or quirky about him that drew me to him. I felt comfortable with him as a more-than-friend but the concept of being in a long term relationship scared me. I guess it was because I knew I could be doing better; I had fallen for guys in the past who made my heart sing, and this time it was not the case.

We still talk, and exchange e-mails a few times a week. He's offered for me to live with him, but I am very apprehensive. I do hate it here, living at home in Cleveland. There are many reasons why I would want to leave. I trust him entirely, but I guess I don't trust our emotions. I feel some kind of blurred line between friendship and companionship will fuck things up, and leave one or both of us hurt or bitter.

But... I guess I feel like he deserves my love. Like he's so nice of a guy, I want to fall in love with him so I will want to live with him and stay with him. Sometimes I wonder if I can love him, even if I feel there are better guys. It's not like I am just swarmed with alternatives; I've dated one other person that I was interested in, and for every time I've fallen in love, it's been a bust. (Usually the person is totally unattainable; in the most recent case distance was the problem even though we had dated.)

So yeah. Someone tell me what I should do.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Yes but I suppose it was never that I felt I could never love him, I just felt I could do much better and thus looked at him in a "meh" sort of way.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

So there's this country song that goes "you can lead a heart to love, but you can't make it fall." I think it fits your situation exactly.

Seriously, though. Its kinda a shitty place to be in, but if you don't think you can love him now, you probably won't ever. There has to be a spark or something, and from what I can tell, it either happens near the beginning or it doesn't happen at all, no matter how good of a person they are. And moving in with him is probably a bad idea, even if it looks appealing--unless you're very clear that you're not expecting anything romantic even if there's sex involved. I don't really know about gay men and how they work in relationships, but I know that if you tried to move in with a woman you didn't have any feelings for, it would end badly. Very badly.

Just suck it up and deal with the fact you feel bad about it, and don't get involved. You're both better off. But if somehow you get involved anyway, whatever you do, for god's sake don't pretend like you do love him. That's such a rip-off.

Moved to ANGST, by the by.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Eleo

I had fallen for guys in the past who made my heart sing

Not to sound like an ass, but maybe it's time you start expanding your connotation to what love is. I don't know about gay guys, but females who think like this tend to suffer from pathological insecurity complexes in which they expect emotional highs from love to fix some type of way; either that, or they regard it as "special" when it's actually pretty immature and dangerous. It's similar to a chronic substance abuser. They just want the high from the drugs, but don't bother improving the overall quality of their character and problems they're faced with in life. I'm not saying that the high is all that bad, but balance is the key to life.

Not saying you're doing this, necessarily. But maybe if you did some more deep soul searching you'll be able to find love and happiness with people without being dependant on those highs as much.

As for this specific situation, I'd walk away and start focusing on how I could improve myself. There's always room for improvement, and people tend to take a liking to such an attitude. It’s naturally draws people to you.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Wow, I feel like that sentence of mine was incredibly overanalyzed.

Also, I do not understand the division between TQP and ANGST. I'm not particularly angsty right now, just confused.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Um. I think that if you stay with him, you'll only be feeling safe, not satisfied.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I understand what you mean, but here's something to consider. If you're feeling apprehensive now, things may only get worse if you don't end up falling for the guy. Just because someone has gone through the trouble to show that they care about you doesn't mean that it has to be requited. You certainly don't want to feel obligated to love somebody back. Then it's just a chore. I've been in situations where I'm feeling lonely, and I know I could hook up with a girl who's been in love with me forever. But then I consider that her feelings run much deeper than mine do, and then neither of us would really get what we need. She's looking for something long term, and I'm looking for a distraction to fill an immediate void. From what I know of you on here, you're an awesome guy. Don't settle for anything but a guy as awesome as you.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by Kazyl

Um. I think that if you stay with him, you'll only be feeling safe, not satisfied.

I'm not quire sure what you mean. I'd certainly feel safe, and I might not feel totally satisfied. However, in my current life situation I am not totally satisfied, and I sometimes think far less than I would be if I lived with him.

Part of the reason why I'm asking for opinions is because I almost feel like it's inevitable that I end up living with him. I hate my current situation so much that I can easily imagine becoming fed up and leaving.

Right now I feel extremely sad for him. Since I've had my heart broken (twice), right now it's like I can feel his pain. I can't say I feel responsible for it like I've done something wrong, but just knowing that he feels that way depresses me.

After having my heart broken, I did and still do have a feeling of, "life's a bitch; I'm never going to get who I really want. I'm going to have to settle." And of course I've only been alive for 20 years, so a lot of people would tell me I'm wrong, but... Seeing him and so many other people with the same thoughts gets to me. They're a lot older than 20. They've actually tried for a much longer time and failed the entire time. And so I see this, and it just reinforces my feelings.

So I think part of my reasoning is that I'm looking for perfection in someone who sees perfection in me, and in the end it's just not going to work out that way, and I have the opportunity to just quit that search and take what's available.

It certainly sounds stupid as fuck, but you can see the reasoning there. I hope.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Devo

Anyway, SMX what are you talking about?

This is what I got out of his post: “There’s an all around awesome person in my life, who I want to love, but don’t because the ‘spark’ isn’t good enough.

Is that right? I’m starting to feel like I’m on different page than other people.

Anyway, I went off that assumption. I guess a simplified way of saying what I did is that sometimes when you can’t find that spark in a person, the problem is with you and not necessarily the other person alone.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Yea, I understand what you’re saying. It’s just, to summarize, what I’m reading is, “I hate my living situation right now so I’ll go live with this guy who loves me out of pity. Since all these other guys who are much older than I have tried and failed, it makes me wonder whether I should just settle for a comfortable lifestyle that’s available now or hold out for something better in addition to being exposed to the possibility of not finding anyone at all." Why should you risk a life of solitude when opportunity is staring you in the face?

Because you just said that you want to fall in love with him. You want to fall in love with him so you can feel better about wanting to move in with him because you “hate your current situation.”

That kind of mentality isn’t fair to him or you because you’re compromising your feelings to satisfy him since you feel “extremely sad for him” and you’re basically leading him on when you already said that your feelings for him aren’t the same.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Okay, please understand that he invited me to live with him not as his partner but merely as a friend. Also, I don't feel you are looking at the entire picture. Part of my desire to live with him is for a better living situation, but I do not want to love him merely so that I can live with him or do so and feel good about it - I always have that option. He has expressed, even if he had a boyfriend I always have the option of living with him. So I mean, if I chose to live with him I would not be pretending I loved him to do so.

Certainly being in love with him would simplify any emotionally complicated issues regarding our living together, but it's hardly my only reason for wanting to love him. I want to see him happy, more importantly. In fact I want him to find someone he likes, someone he likes better than me so I can be happy for him. But I don't know if that will ever be.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Ok yea, I think I'm missing the point.

What are you asking advice for exactly? Because I assumed it was whether or not to be in a relationship with him despite his inability to ignite your senses.

Of course he'll move on and find someone else. If you are unable to reciprocate his feelings to the same degree as his, then he has no choice but to. It's just that for now, you're all that he can see. And quite frankly, living together won't really remedy that.

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Didn't you already do this once, Eleo? I recall that you basically wound up hating the other guy.

I was speaking idiomatically.

I'll make it simple: Yes. Love is for saps.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

That's not the case, Devo. I am not being defensive, I just want people to see the full picture, as parts of it can be more complex than it appears. I think nadienne understood it pretty clearly, though.

Originally Posted by Avalokiteshvara

Didn't you already do this once, Eleo? I recall that you basically wound up hating the other guy.

This is true, and I have considered this. However, that situation was different for reasons I actually can't bring myself to explain. But all in all, that time I really didn't know the guy as well as I could have.

The man I'm talking about now I pretty much know is a genuinely good person. I only feel this way because of the selfless things he does. For example, him saying I'm always welcome even if he has a boyfriend just says to me that he really cares about my well-being regardless of our relationship. I don't really doubt that about him, I'm mostly worried about tension.

You could be right. Last time I really had no idea what to expect but that is not the case. Then again, it took me a while to figure out that the guy was a dick, which made me realize that this can be true with anyone.

Originally Posted by Denicalis

I'll make it simple: Yes. Love is for saps.

I know.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by Eleo

This is true, and I have considered this. However, that situation was different for reasons I actually can't bring myself to explain. But all in all, that time I really didn't know the guy as well as I could have.

The man I'm talking about now I pretty much know is a genuinely good person. I only feel this way because of the selfless things he does. For example, him saying I'm always welcome even if he has a boyfriend just says to me that he really cares about my well-being regardless of our relationship. I don't really doubt that about him, I'm mostly worried about tension.

You could be right. Last time I really had no idea what to expect but that is not the case. Then again, it took me a while to figure out that the guy was a dick, which made me realize that this can be true with anyone.

History tends to repeat itself very often with the only difference being that someone/something is different, but the events tend to fall the same. There are some scenarios where they do end up different, but most of the time you shouldn't expect to do the same thing and get different results.

I'm sort of in the same boat with a guy who got into a fight with his father about getting a hair cut. His father said, "Either you get a haircut or I'm taking away your car and internet." He went 5 months without the car or the internet (and lost his job in the process). He loves me very much and says that he will never find another girl like me, but he's a lazy bum with no future who would beat his kids and laugh while he did it (seriously, this is what he told me).

Frankly, I say wait it out. If you find someone better then good, if not then he will most likely be there if you two do decide to live together as friends. If he finds someone else, then don't worry about it and keep trying.

How ya doing, buddy?

Well how long should I wait it out? A few months? A year or more? I feel that there's sort of a window of opportunity. Certainly I'm always welcome but there's a point where saying "oh btw I want to live with you" will come off as weird. Like, "um, you didn't want to for this long but all of a sudden???" So I guess I feel I have to do it within the next six months or (hopefully) never. He may care about me, but that doesn't mean it's impossible for me to impose.

I'm no longer sure which direction this conversation is going.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Eleo

Well how long should I wait it out? A few months? A year or more? I feel that there's sort of a window of opportunity. Certainly I'm always welcome but there's a point where saying "oh btw I want to live with you" will come off as weird. Like, "um, you didn't want to for this long but all of a sudden???" So I guess I feel I have to do it within the next six months or (hopefully) never. He may care about me, but that doesn't mean it's impossible for me to impose.

I'm no longer sure which direction this conversation is going.

There's no exact time limit, but if you still feel that you deserve more then there is probably more out there for you. If you feel as though this person is the one, true person for you and you want to be with them out of love instead of pity or guilt, then you could give it a chance. I know I waited b/c I had better opportunities: college, job outside of my redneck town, and my trip to England.

It's like "Deal or No Deal" and "Wammy" (I really do hate to use this as an example, but I think it works). Your future is unknown, there's still a chance that you can either get a better deal or end up worse off; but you have to weigh out the situation and decide whether you feel lucky and want to go for someone that is more deserving and can give you that rush you are looking for, or do you want to play it safe and end up one day finding out that you could've won a million if you had not settled for a hundred.

Don't decide yet, wait it out a little longer until you feel as though you know the definite answer. I think that you deserve to have that rush (and yes it does exist regardless of a past post, it just dies down as a couple becomes more comfortable with one another). I know I have a lot of trouble with patience, but patience could pay off in the end. However, it's your decision on what you think and feel is right.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

If you look beyond all that, like what was said before, it will not work, no matter how much you force yourself to mentally believe, nothing can force you to love someone. In the end you will realize that doing so was a grave mistake and it will hurt the one you 'want to love' more than it will hurt you. I advise that you not try to push love and let it grow by itself, like said by Zora Hurston; "Love is like a blossoming tree" meaning that you cannot just push love, you must wait for it to grow, not saying that this guy might not be the "one" but you must let it settle out emotionally because you do something physically.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.