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When they're down...
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Shorty
21. Arch of the Warrior Maidens


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Old Aug 18, 2010, 03:34 PM Local time: Aug 18, 2010, 01:34 PM #1 of 15
When they're down...

EDIT: OOPS. SOMEONE MOVE THIS TO TQP PLEASE!!!

Let's face it: times are tough.

When unemployment hits or job search isn't going well for your significant other or family member, how do you deal with them?

I say significant other more importantly, because I think that's the person you spend most of your time with (or most likely live with). And them not having a job or having a rough time with it, ultimately brings on stress at home as well.

In my eyes it seems to weigh more heavily on relationships when the females have the better job or the guys have just gotten the shaft. Perhaps because men innately have the protective / possessive nature that makes them feel like they should say "it's okay, I can support you."

I feel like for females, our innate motherly-nuturing nature kicks in when he's down, we try to help like suggesting contacts / resume help and whatnot, and it ultimately tampers with their ego because it makes them feel like they can't handle the unemployed situation alone.

I try not to touch the subject as much as possible, but it does make it hard to be supportive. Guys, how would you like to be treated in those situations?

Jam it back in, in the dark.
LIAR
AND ITS-A ME, WA WA WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH


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Old Aug 18, 2010, 04:20 PM Local time: Aug 18, 2010, 01:20 PM 2 #2 of 15
This doesn't necessarily apply only to job searching, but my life in general. If I feel pressured into doing something, I'm less likely to do it. So if I have someone constantly bugging me about a job search, I'll be less enthusiastic about doing it, and it'd only make the situation worse. I prefer to hash out my troubles on my own (unless they're related to someone specific) and thus feel bothered when someone tries to press their input into my problems without my prior asking.

Now, there is a difference between what I described above, and kicking my ass into gear if I'm getting lazy. If a guy is just not doing anything at all, then its time to nag and pester. However, if he's making some effort, let him do his thing.

There's nowhere I can't reach.
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Shorty
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Old Aug 18, 2010, 04:48 PM Local time: Aug 18, 2010, 02:48 PM #3 of 15
However, if he's making some effort, let him do his thing.
Check. Any good suggestion on how to help keep his spirits up in the meanwhile?

(Him being depressed RE:job situation and bringing it to the relationship also causes me stress too?)

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.
Angel of Light
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Old Aug 18, 2010, 05:03 PM Local time: Aug 18, 2010, 06:33 PM 1 #4 of 15
You know you've always given me great advice. So I'll try my best to give my impressions of your situation.

I've been pretty much the breadwinner in my relationship especially over the last 4 years. I actually like being the breadwinner because I take a lot of pride being the one that makes sure the bills are paid, and everything is looked after. I like being dependable and reliable for making sure a paycheck comes to the house and taking care of my wife, even though I know she is more than capable of looking after herself.

Even if I was not the breadwinner, and I ended up being unemployed or had a hard time even finding another job. It wouldn't surprise me if it did happen. I don't consider myself a type of person to have an ego. So even if I was unemployed, I would try whatever it takes to get some income coming into the household. Even though I know it would be stressful , the only thing I would ask for is support, to know that things will eventually get better. Sometimes hearing words of encouragement and concern can be well received especially if I'm not feeling all that great about my employment situation.

I'll be honest there was a period of time in which my wife wasn't working and it was stressful being the only person working, and bearing the responsibility of paying all the costs especially with the bills and our own home, but I knew eventually she would get a job of her own to help out with the expenses.

I didn't want to pressure her, because I wanted her to find something she really enjoyed. If I pushed her into a direction she didn't want to be in it just would of added more stress in the relationship.

I think the best thing you can do in your relationship Shorty, is to give him his space, and let him find a way to vent his frustrations without getting you involved. You can only do so much, so let him know you'll always be here, but don't allow him to bottle his frustrations because it will probably erupt in a very argumenative way.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Last edited by Angel of Light; Aug 18, 2010 at 05:06 PM. Reason: More Info
Little Brenty Brent Brent
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Old Aug 18, 2010, 05:29 PM Local time: Aug 18, 2010, 03:29 PM #5 of 15
Any good suggestion on how to help keep his spirits up in the meanwhile?
Beej.

How ya doing, buddy?
Wall Feces
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Old Aug 18, 2010, 05:47 PM #6 of 15
I don't know what his ego is like, but personally, if I was hunting for a job I would take all the help I could get and be grateful to have people in my life who are willing to take even 3 seconds out of their day to hook me up with a job. A big part of getting a job can sometimes come down to who you know, and I've learned in my years that it's stupid to ignore that just to sate your ego.

At the same time, as Shade says, pressuring someone to do anything can be a bad thing... For most people. I love pressure. It motivates me. Some people just don't respond to pressure the same way, though, so tread lightly. If you're nervous about him feeling threatened, wait for him to come to you, but be supportive in the meantime.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?
LIAR
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Old Aug 18, 2010, 05:50 PM Local time: Aug 18, 2010, 02:50 PM #7 of 15
Check. Any good suggestion on how to help keep his spirits up in the meanwhile?

(Him being depressed RE:job situation and bringing it to the relationship also causes me stress too?)
Depends on the level of depression, what he's willing to do, and what you're willing to do. Obviously if the level of depression is deep enough that its causing horrible tremors through your relationship, you two need to sit down and talk about it. Communication is key. Don't scold him for being depressed about it, be supportive and tell him that you're there for him and you'll be happy to help if he asks, but once again don't impose anything.

Biggest thing to remember is that unemployment is depressing. It sucks not having a job. It sucks being rejected over and over. He's going to get depressed about it, just like anyone would. Not much you can do to counter it fully without finding him a sure fire job.

Also I agree with Diss, nothing cheers a guy up more than a release of endorphins to the brain. Hell, make it into a reward if you need to.

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No. Hard Pass.
Salty for Salt's Sake


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Old Aug 18, 2010, 06:08 PM Local time: Aug 18, 2010, 05:08 PM 1 #8 of 15
Also I agree with Diss, nothing cheers a guy up more than a release of endorphins to the brain. Hell, make it into a reward if you need to.
Not to bicker about a blowjob, but if some chick was like "do this and you get a blowjob" and it wasn't some cutesy way of saying you're getting a blowjob anyway, like "make dinner and I'll blow you" or something, I'd pretty much tell her to get the fuck out and I'll not punch her in the head for being a trifling cunt.

I have a different perspective on being the breadwinner, I guess. My last few serious girls were a lawyer, an engineer and a pharmacist. I made good money, but I didn't come near them. It was weird for a week, then I got over my macho bullshit and enjoyed the fact they could get me nice things when they wanted and our vacations could kick ass.

I've recently been on a bit of a job search, and it hasn't been going great. However, someone in my ear bothering me about it would just make things much, much worse. As was previously said, if I'm putting some effort in just leave me alone about it. You're my girlfriend, not my mom.

How ya doing, buddy?


John Mayer just asked me, personally, through an assistant, to sing backup on his new CD.

LIAR
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Old Aug 18, 2010, 06:11 PM Local time: Aug 18, 2010, 03:11 PM #9 of 15
Not to bicker about a blowjob, but if some chick was like "do this and you get a blowjob" and it wasn't some cutesy way of saying you're getting a blowjob anyway, like "make dinner and I'll blow you" or something, I'd pretty much tell her to get the fuck out and I'll not punch her in the head for being a trifling cunt.
Not exactly what I meant. I didn't mean as an ultimatum. I meant more like he comes over after a long day of resumes and she gets down and dirty 'just because'. Its more 'make it a reward if you need a reason behind it', not 'make it a reward so he gets off his ass'. Don't tell him its a reward, just note it in the mind. :P

Jam it back in, in the dark.
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Shorty
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Old Aug 18, 2010, 06:27 PM Local time: Aug 18, 2010, 04:27 PM #10 of 15
You are my girlfriend, not my mom.
THIS. He gets harped / adviced up the wall by his parents/step-parents/cousins what have you, that I've been trying to lay off the job topic in its entirety.

I've been trying to encourage him to go to the beach / gym or to work out with him every once in a while to get his mind off the job thing, but it seems like a far off prospect that he'd start doing those things without me. I'd like him to enjoy such activities without me involved, but it seems like unless I get really close to nagging, he's not going to.

There's nowhere I can't reach.
RacinReaver
Never Forget


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Old Aug 18, 2010, 06:33 PM Local time: Aug 18, 2010, 04:33 PM #11 of 15
I'd also say try and find things to keep him occupied that are constructive. Playing video games and watching TV aren't things that'll help him feel better when he's having a crappy job search. Building something, doing some sort of craft, or just getting things done will help (that said, don't make him into an errand boy because he doesn't have a place to be at from 9 to 5).

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.
Sarag
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Old Aug 18, 2010, 06:37 PM #12 of 15
I just skimmed this shit so don't get mad at me if this doesn't apply. But, when I'm under a lot of stress and pressure, I find it's difficult for me to do things that I want to do. What I mean is that, it's easier for me to do a lot of work or do a lot of things for other people, or just completely veg out (watch tv, take a nap, browse the interbutt), than do something productive that's also enjoyable. Although I grumble when somebody tells me to go out and enjoy myself (it kind of feels like they're ordering me around or adding to my pile), I do appreciate being encouraged to enjoy myself and do something productive and fun.

So, maybe that can help you out, Shorty.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?
Shorty
21. Arch of the Warrior Maidens


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Old Aug 19, 2010, 02:31 PM Local time: Aug 19, 2010, 12:31 PM #13 of 15
Thanks lurker

I was speaking idiomatically.
slessman
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Old Aug 19, 2010, 10:43 PM #14 of 15
EDIT: OOPS. SOMEONE MOVE THIS TO TQP PLEASE!!!

Let's face it: times are tough.

When unemployment hits or job search isn't going well for your significant other or family member, how do you deal with them?

I say significant other more importantly, because I think that's the person you spend most of your time with (or most likely live with). And them not having a job or having a rough time with it, ultimately brings on stress at home as well.

In my eyes it seems to weigh more heavily on relationships when the females have the better job or the guys have just gotten the shaft. Perhaps because men innately have the protective / possessive nature that makes them feel like they should say "it's okay, I can support you."

I feel like for females, our innate motherly-nuturing nature kicks in when he's down, we try to help like suggesting contacts / resume help and whatnot, and it ultimately tampers with their ego because it makes them feel like they can't handle the unemployed situation alone.

I try not to touch the subject as much as possible, but it does make it hard to be supportive. Guys, how would you like to be treated in those situations?
Wow, it is like you are living my life. I have been having a lot of trouble finding work and I live with my fiance and she hasn't been able to get a job either. We are stressed and at each other's throats a lot because we both feel bad for not working, both are worried about how we'll pay the bills, and we get little sleep because of the constant stress and worrying. Honestly, all you can do is take a deep breath, apologize when you've been hurtful, and hope for the best. Take time to strengthen your relationship or keep being productive. That's helped a lot.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?
Zephyrin
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Old Aug 20, 2010, 02:34 AM Local time: Aug 20, 2010, 12:34 AM #15 of 15
Play Catan. You'll still be mad at each other, but it'll just be because he dicked you with the robber last night.

FELIPE NO
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