Ever want to end it with a girl, but not sure how to explain why?

I've been dating a girl for a while and while I like her I'm starting to get to the point in my life where I want certain things personality-wise from a girl that she doesn't provide. I can't put my finger on exactly on it, but something is just missing. She is nice, pretty, but honestly I don't love her. I can say I love you on the phone and stuff casually, but if it was on a polygraph, the needle would be running wild.

There really is nothing wrong with her, I'm approaching my mid 20's and marriage will sooner or later start to creep into the picture. I don't want to continue a relationship with someone at this point in my life that I have no real shot as far as a future goes. All that side stuff to me is exactly that - side stuff. I want to be with someone that I can truly say I love and want to marry, and this girl is not that. Again, not her fault, but something is missing. I never felt that way and by now if I haven't then I'm not going to ever. I just don't look at her where I just feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I guess that feeling where you just feel happy around them and want to be around them at all times.

The only problem is I don't think I can just end a multi-year relationship by saying "I don't love you and I don't think I can continue." No matter what, the girl is going to take that as her fault or think of me as an asshole. I can't really think of an easy way to let her down and not just that, but an explanation as to why I want to end it. When you are with someone for a while, it is common courtesy to at least let them know why.

Anyone ever in a similar situation?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Just how long were you two together? Anyhow, it's probably impossible to come out of this relationship unscathed. Your best bet is to be upfront and honest, and let her react however she wants. Just don't bullshit her, give her a false sense of hope, etc. How attached to you would you say she is?

It's also possible that, maybe three days or less, you'll start missing her massively after breaking up with her. Do you live together?

There's nowhere I can't reach.

You should tell the truth. There's no easy or pain-free way of breaking it to her. If you lead her around the garden path, she'll only hate you more for not being up front with her to begin with and for wasting her time.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

A friend of mine was with a girl for over 5 years and he had the same problem--although it was amplified by some other issues. He just couldn't be with her forever, and so it was useless, and although it caused some friction and a lot of arguing, in the end they both said (independently of each other, after it happened) that they were better off apart.

I'm pretty sure that I understand your feeling from talking a lot to my friend when it happened to him, and he was really sure about it, so I will assume that you are as well.

Like OO and Ulysses say--be completely honest. It's very possible that she already has inklings about this, so just try to tell her to this as gently as possible without giving the impression that there's anything she can do to change it. Don't say anything that sounds like bullshit like "it's not you, it's me", just give it to her straight.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

3 years here, which isn't quite as long as your friend, but still long.

This actually sort of came to me recently. I had an epiphany about my future and when I'm going to need to start looking for that "right woman" and stuff like that. I asked myself if this is someone I could marry and I said no to myself. It may seem sudden, and we have a very good rapport, but like I said in the first post, there just is something missing. I don't look at her with the feeling that I love her and want to start a life with her and never want to be away from her.

Maybe I'll screw it up and maybe I'll never find a girl like that in my life. But I know that is what I want in my life and if I never find it, IMO there is no point of even marrying, because if you don't feel that way about someone, eventually it will fall apart one way or another. Eventually if I did find someone like that while I was already married then I'd be completely stuck.

I pretty much knew going in that there wasn't going to be an easier way, but then again a lot of things in life weren't supposed to be easy. Gonna have to just go with it.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Well for my friend it took him that long to even realize that he wasn't happy with her, and that this wouldn't go away. He's got a job that can cause a lot of stress as well and there were other issues playing also, so he could "write off" a lot of his uncertain feelings to those things. But like you, he sort of suddenly realized that it just wouldn't work out, no matter how long he'd stick with her, and it'd eventually fall apart.

Another friend of mine actually got married and then had to divorce pretty soon after, but the situation isn't as comparable since they were actually very incompatible with each other, and were looking for very different things in a relationship--they just didn't realize it until it was too late. The parallel is you can "reason away" a lot of those gut feelings, and that makes it really hard to come to this sort of conclusion. But in the end you have to listen to your heart, as cheesy as that sounds.

Anyway, perhaps one way to make it a little bit easier is to talk to her and see if she can agree with you? It didn't work for my friend (the girl actually wanted to get married, and he just didn't want to marry her, so that caused a good part of the friction before and during the breakup), but every relationship is different, and she may have similar feelings as you.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Well I ended it and it did not go well, but I didn't expect it to. She was crying as expected, and as I comforted her, I thought there was a chance that I'd really start to have feelings open up that were hidden, but they never came. I mean I felt bad for her, but I didn't feel sad myself at all.

I also thought that given some time after I might really miss her too and regret it, but I don't. I mean, I can't deny that it feels weird, given that I was used to a certain lifestyle, but it isn't a downer feeling. I actually feel liberated. I could play basketball all day this weekend if I wanted to and not have to worry about any other plans.

I actually don't plan to get back in "the game" for a while either. Going to enjoy this freedom for a while before I enter the next phase. So I think I made the right decision.... or maybe I did love her and I'm just heartless and cold and will never love anyone.

FELIPE NO

You can't love someone and, at the same time, effectively be heartless and cold. Don't worry about that. You did the right thing and I'm glad you feel better now. Are you interesting in keeping in touch with her? Did she mention that to you?

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

I was actually just being facetious with the heartless and cold thing. We didn't really go deep into the whole friends thing, but I have no problem with it. Shes a nice girl, and I'm man enough to not want to start something back up again or get mad if she's with another guy.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I was about to say "at least you have a booty call now" but I think I'm mixing my quiet place threads up. I do imagine, though, that if you spent that much time with her she has to be valuable on a friendship level right?

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Sure, I have no problem with it. She's fun to be around, and one quality that she really had going for her that was underrated was that she liked a lot of movies and TV shows that most girls don't like. She's into violent crime dramas, and stuff. So she was always easy to go to movies with and stuff.

I doubt she'll go for it though because it would probably be too awkward for her. Me, I have no problem with awkwardness for things like that.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.