Have you/would you stay with someone if they cheated?

Originally Posted by Devo

Can you at least quote some angry fem magazine with this statistic?
What you're saying is totally biased generalizations of the opposite sex, born of either bitterness or anger. This is not logic, this is your emotions dictating how you see men, and it's not objective.

You have yet to grasp the concept that your experiences can't explain an entire population of people. This is how racists think, sexists, homophobes. Get over yourself.

Similiar experiences explain a portion of the population.

You, yet again, are not grasping the concept of what I am saying.

And honestly, I don't really give a shit anymore. This has become so off topic, and clearly we don't agree so we'll just leave it at that.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by Lunar Seal

Similiar experiences explain a portion of the population.

A portion of the population you have direct experience with. You do not have a large enough sample size, you do not control for age, income, color, or location, and worst yet you drive men to cheat on you. That isn't an impartial study, lady, and your results are thus thrown out.

Seriously, you can't be this stupid, can you?

I was speaking idiomatically.

if u felt someones cheating on you and you found they really were trust me ive been there and it felt bad just dump him or her and move on even tho a boy or girl won't like u again for along time if thats the case who cares just have fun and dont cheat on ppl if they cheating on u its worste thing to do or get them jealus so they want u back just move on and find someone else that nice and caring

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by tylermoore

if u felt someones cheating on you and you found they really were trust me ive been there and it felt bad just dump him or her and move on even tho a boy or girl won't like u again for along time if thats the case who cares just have fun and dont cheat on ppl if they cheating on u its worste thing to do or get them jealus so they want u back just move on and find someone else that nice and caring

Periods are your friend! :P

My most recent ex cheated on me pretty early on. I forgave her and tried to move on, but it was impossible. When the trust is gone, there's nothing left. I stayed, but not for very long.

Cheating is a symptom of one of two things, imo: lack of communication, or a malevolent heart. If someone feels unfulfilled, it's their responsibility to make it known so that they can work together to correct the problem. Running off and boning someone because you're bored is pretty low, I think, and a hella shitty way to make your feelings known. If you're afraid to tell your SO that the sex is getting boring, or that you feel emotionally unfulfilled, you probably shouldn't be with them anyway, since you clearly don't trust them enough.

If someone cheated on me again, they'd have to be with me for at least 18 months prior, and would have to have been drunk enough to pass out or puke on the third party during the act. They'd also have to tell me within two-three weeks of it happening, minus a day for every month past the 18th that we've been together. Yeah, I've got a complex formula for it... what of it? Bottom line is you better have a damn good reason, and may the gods help you if you went looking for it. Quite frankly, I think all cheaters are dirty rotten scum-sucking weaklings. If sex is that big a concern for you, than take to picking up like-minded folk in bars, and leave those of us who are looking for emotional connections out of it.

Sure, my wang would love to be in as many vaginas as possible, but ultimately I'm in control of my extremities, not the other way around. I also have an urge to jump off high things, just to see if I can fly yet, but I don't indulge. I've nothing against those who partake in casual sex, or those who engage in polygamy, as long as I have no part in it. Relationships are different for everyone, and each one is formed with a set of guidelines that are defined by both parties as it develops. If you can't follow the guidelines that you and your partner set, the relationship has no foundation, and will crumble.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by Phoenix X

Cheating is a symptom of one of two things, imo: lack of communication, or a malevolent heart. If someone feels unfulfilled, it's their responsibility to make it known so that they can work together to correct the problem. Running off and boning someone because you're bored is pretty low, I think, and a hella shitty way to make your feelings known. If you're afraid to tell your SO that the sex is getting boring, or that you feel emotionally unfulfilled, you probably shouldn't be with them anyway, since you clearly don't trust them enough...

...Quite frankly, I think all cheaters are dirty rotten scum-sucking weaklings. If sex is that big a concern for you, than take to picking up like-minded folk in bars, and leave those of us who are looking for emotional connections out of it.

...Relationships are different for everyone, and each one is formed with a set of guidelines that are defined by both parties as it develops. If you can't follow the guidelines that you and your partner set, the relationship has no foundation, and will crumble.

Hear hear hear. Well spoken. I agree with you 100%.

Quite frankly, married with kids or not, If someone cheated on me, it would damn near have to be because she got drugged and couldn't control herself or something down those lines, and even in that kind of scenario, I wouldn't forgive her completely! Marriage may be a promise of "for better or for worse", but in my opinion, a relationship in itself is built upon a promise to be with no one else. If one promise is broken, the other doesn't really matter anymore.

I say throw the bitch out or get out yourself. Life is too short to be spent on assholes who cheat on you.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Negatory.... I would never even think twice of staying with someone if they cheated on me. Unless it was a special circumstance... such as going to the bar, getting wasted and dancing with other guys... then I guess I might stay. In all other cases, probably not... actually definitely not.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

So since the majority of you ladies seem to be saying you'd be more pissed if your husband was emotionally attached a woman, how do you draw this distinction between friendship attachment and uh, relationship-type attachment? Thing is - when a GF would tell me "oh I met this guy and he's really cool, blah blah blah" it's fine and all good as long as there's no physical intimacy. Relationship - sex = friendship in my mind, so emotional bonds she makes never represent an immediate threat like physical cheating does (unless our own relationship is shit). And I KNOW that whenever there's questions about hanging out with an opposite sex friend, the person will 99.9% of the time say "oh we're just good friends."

So in the case of cheating, why should emotional intimacy take precendence over physical intimiacy when emotional intimacy can easily be dismissed or mistaken for a strong friendship?

ps. in reply to the thread, I was in a relationship in which I got cheated on 3 times over 1 1/2 years and I stuck it out (due to the whole "i love you forgive me" bullshit), and it did get a lot better, but then crumbled appart entirely when she dumped me for another guy. Moral I learned: Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I'd probably forgive the first time a girl cheats, but it's absolutely over if there's a second time.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I once got very, very angry at my boyfriend because he was emotionally close to a person I did not like or trust. He was the kind of person who would say "there are no secrets between us, what's mine is yours" but he would protect her from me, to the point of telling her she can speak freely over chat becuase I wasn't in the room.

If you think I was overreacting to something that wasn't there, I guess it's a good thing that you and I are not in a relationship. All I'm saying is that if my boyfriend's friendship with someone starts resembling one of VG's cuddlewhore sessions, something is fucked

In short Falldragon, you said your girlfriend cheated on you three times in less than a year and she had very close male friends. Perhaps this should be telling you something. It is a mystery!

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by RAZGRIZ-2

I don't think you read closely enough. The point was we'd be less upset if he fucked some stranger, than if he fucked his friend. Physical intimacy is involved.

Sorry, should'nt have used "ladies" so much as "people who believe emotional intimacy is worse than physical intimacy." It was mainly directed at Alice's post:

Quote:

If my husband had a "moment of weakness" or whatever you want to call it and screwed some girl once - probably even if this happened more than once during the course of our marriage, I probably wouldn't leave him. On the other hand, if I found out that he had an emotional connection with another woman and was spending time talking to her on a regular basis, meeting her for lunch, taking long drives together, etc., even if he wasn't having sex with her, I'd leave him.

And plus, my ex was a diehard believer in this philosophy as well. It's hard for me to comprehend.

Double Post:

Originally Posted by GRUN-3

I once got very, very angry at my boyfriend because he was emotionally close to a person I did not like or trust. He was the kind of person who would say "there are no secrets between us, what's mine is yours" but he would protect her from me, to the point of telling her she can speak freely over chat becuase I wasn't in the room.

The issue here wasn't that he was speaking to another girl that you didn't trust. The issue was that he would have conversations with her about things he knew you would consider inappropriate. This shows different levels of commitment: he expected to be able to say what he wants to close female friends, you expect him to show moderation because of your relationship. Of course, I'm really generalizing here because I have no clue what the details are.

Originally Posted by GRUN-3

If you think I was overreacting to something that wasn't there, I guess it's a good thing that you and I are not in a relationship. All I'm saying is that if my boyfriend's friendship with someone starts resembling one of VG's cuddlewhore sessions, something is fucked

Well there's another factor at work here beyond "he shouldn't have been secretly talking to her." You didn't trust him enough to let him freely speak with this girl. In a truly trusting relationship I don't think this would ever come up as a factor, because you'd trust your significant other to know where to draw the line.

Originally Posted by GRUN-3

In short Falldragon, you said your girlfriend cheated on you three times in less than a year and she had very close male friends. Perhaps this should be telling you something. It is a mystery!

Well it was over 1 1/2 years (1.5), not less than a year. About every 6 months, haha. Also, I never said the guys she cheated on were close male friends. In 2 of the 3 cases they were practically strangers, or only knew each other less than a month.

But to sum up, I certainly know where you're coming from. You didn't like him developing close friendships with other girls you thought had bad intentions. I was the exact same way with my ex. However, I'd go on to say that this has it's foundation in the trust, and how much you can (or can't) expect out of him. In the ideal relationship, both people should be able to have strong friends with the opposite-sex but know where to draw the line, because they both know how to respect the relationship they're in.

Course, most of this is based off of my own past relationships, so it's complete opinion

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by FallDragon

The issue here wasn't that [...] Of course, I'm really generalizing here because I have no clue what the details are.

And seeing as though you don't know what the details are, maybe you shouldn't tell me what the issue really is. Why are you arguing with me?

Quote:

Well I never said the guys she cheated on were close male friends. In 2 of the 3 cases they were practically strangers, or at least only knew each other less than a month.

There are these seperate occurances of the same thing, and other seperate occurances of very similar things... I just can't add them up! It must be a major coincidence.

Quote:

In the ideal relationship, both people should be able to have strong friends with the opposite-sex but know where to draw the line, because they both know how to respect the relationship they're in.

In the ideal relationship, friendships your mate makes should not creep you out. I couldn't give less of a shit if I tried if you disagree, or think that the problem lies in the creeped-out party.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by GRUN-3

And seeing as though you don't know what the details are, maybe you shouldn't tell me what the issue really is. Why are you arguing with me?

Because I'm the argumentative type? Sorry. It was mostly because I went through the exact same thing, so I thought you might've had a similar understanding.

Originally Posted by GRUN-3

There are these seperate occurances of the same thing, and other seperate occurances of very similar things... I just can't add them up! It must be a major coincidence.

Not sure what you mean.

Originally Posted by GRUN-3

In the ideal relationship, friendships your mate makes should not creep you out. I couldn't give less of a shit if I tried if you disagree, or think that the problem lies in the creeped-out party.

I'm not saying it was your fault. He was purposely breaking your trust. My point was that strong friendships to opposite sex people can exist as long as you both know the boundaries of what you both expect.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

That's not exactly insight. Just sayin'.

FELIPE NO

it depends really on how much you know and trust the cheater. if you believe that this was a lapse in judgement and you know that it's something they'll never do again, you could stay with them, or if you're the vengeful type, you could go anf do the same to them, but hopefully most aren't like that.

I know it's easy to say "dump him" or "her" whomever cheated, but you never know, cause one instance might take away a lifetime to happiness with what could be your one true love if not thought out rationally. I guess just think before you act is the best response, along with openess and talking

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Balcony Heckler

I know it's easy to say "dump him" or "her" whomever cheated, but you never know, cause one instance might take away a lifetime to happiness with what could be your one true love if not thought out rationally. I guess just think before you act is the best response, along with openess and talking

Yeah, and you never know, she might cheat on you again and you might end up killing yourself for a lost cause. You never know. Better be safe than sorry IMO.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Sword Familiar

Yeah, and you never know, she might cheat on you again and you might end up killing yourself for a lost cause. You never know. Better be safe than sorry IMO.

this is true, but that's the chance you take upon your own judgement. and it would be a good learning experience. and if you are really so depressed to go towards suicide, then seek help

There's nowhere I can't reach.

But at least if it happens again you'll rest easy knowing you did everything in your power to make it work by not making any rash decisions. I just can't see throwing away a perfectly great relationship because a person did something that is human nature to do - once. God, you people are insecure.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by AliceNWondrland

But at least if it happens again you'll rest easy knowing you did everything in your power to make it work by not making any rash decisions. I just can't see throwing away a perfectly great relationship because a person did something that is human nature to do - once. God, you people are insecure.

Yeah, if you love the person, you'll try. But forgiving and forgetting will only make it feel like you're the one who did something wrong. Why should you be the one to work harder when it was your partner that cheated? Cheating is about breaking bonds of trust. Can you ever trust this person again?

Besides, it can't have been a "perfectly great relationship" to begin with if someone cheated. Saying that you're throwing it away is truly exaggarated. Either there is a communications problem or a problem with lack of respect for the other. In my opinion it is the cheater, not the cheated, who throws the relationship away. Who ever agreed to the open relationship, anyway? Break the rules, out you go. At the same time I don't expect my partner to forgive me if I ever cheated (which I won't).

About insecurity: I say it's the insecurity that makes one stay in such a relationship as opposed to leaving it. For instance; Insecurity related to the fear of being alone (of course, this doesn't apply to all cases).

Yeah, and this "human nature" thing your talking about? Bullshit. It's also human nature to kill other people or steal someone's belongings. Would you forgive someone if he/she killed your kids and blamed it on "human nature"?

"I just had this urge and I couldn't help it. Please forgive me, I'm only human"

"Oh, alright. We know you've only done this once and it is human nature after all. Let's be friends". :P

My guess is: No, you wouldn't, because you know that these acts are "wrong". Killing is wrong. But why do you know this? Is that part of human nature as well? Haha, don't make me laugh. No one has these standards from birth. It's all part of socialization. These actions are deemed "wrong" because they cause other people great suffering, be it psychological, physical, economical or social. THAT and because it is most oftenly our human nature that invokes these actions. The very same "human nature" that you claim makes people cheat. I, however, do not think that people who are sane can ever be FORCED into doing something that is "human nature". You ALWAYS have a choice. You can choose to A. Ignore your current partner's feelings and cheat or B. walk away. No "human nature" can take these choices away from you. No one is forcing you to cheat, you choose to do it. The same goes with stealing and killing as well. Why should cheating be an exception?

Personally, I think that if you want to sleep with someone else, break it off with the one you're with first. These are my own ethics and I stand by them. If my partner can't respect that then I'm better off without her.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

First, I would never get sexually involved with my girlfriend. At all. However, if my [future] girlfriend did cheat on me, I'd leave her. She would have forfieted my trust, and there are consequences to that. So that's what I'd do if she wasn't repentant.

If she was repentant, I'd forgive her, but then I'd still leave her. Anyway, that's my thought on it.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by SlightlyOddGuy

First, I would never get sexually involved with my girlfriend. At all.

Is this some sort of religious thing?

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by SlightlyOddGuy

First, I would never get sexually involved with my girlfriend. At all.

Originally Posted by a lurker

Is this some sort of religious thing?

I don't get it either.

FELIPE NO

I'm actually on Alice's side here. There is virtue in trust but people make mistakes and have moments of weakness. It is naive to think that trust is unbreakable and that your significant other or better half will remain eternally faithful. However, on the flip side, you know yourself the best. If you know you are the type of person who gets easily jealous and don't forgive people easily, cheating would effect you more adversely than someone who is more laid back and open minded about sexual experimentation.

Alice's final statement about security really struck a chord with me. Security in a relationship and in general doesn't come from other people or other factors but it comes from within. No doubt, cheating is a big deal but it will work to test your tolerance of emotional pain, capacity to change and the willingness to forgive. For those who haven't been cheated on (I'm assuming there are several of you in the thread), just know that until you experience it yourself it is quite a rude awakening. The values you once set for your relationships will change unless you were absolutely secure and confident to begin with.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Quote:

Is this some sort of religious thing?

Indeed it is.

Quote:

It is naive to think that trust is unbreakable and that your significant other or better half will remain eternally faithful.

So many of the marraiges I know of are actually this way. Of course, if someone's "religious", then that gives them incentive to be this way.

So that's the way I look at it.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

In relationships, I've found myself to be very laid-back, I don't get jealous easily or often. Sure, there are always those little sparks of jealousy, mental reactions like "Wait, you'd rather spend time with this other person than me?" or "This is more important to you than what I have lined up?" but it's usually fairly easy for me to shrug those off the moment they show up.

But if she cheated on me?

I really don't know. It might be difficult for a while after the cheating occurred, but honestly, I think I would stay with her. My rule about cheating, though I've never had a chance to see if it works very well (thank goodness) is that once is forgivable under most circumstances, but I won't stick around if it happens twice.

My reasoning behind it is that everyone has a GOOD reason for everything they do, even if they don't know it consciously. So if she cheats, there's something lacking in the relationship and I'm willing to try to work with her to figure out what it is and overcome it. But if she does it a second time, obviously she's NOT willing to work with me and can't control her urges, and that's not someone I want to be with anyway.

I'm not saying that cheating is always a mistake or always unintentional, I'm not quite that naive, but I am saying that everyone has desires, and I'm pretty sure everyone has desires they "shouldn't" and sometimes they act on them, for whatever reason.

It would be easier to forgive if the cheater confessed and felt remorse, I'm sure, rather than me having to find out myself and confront them about it.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by SlightlyOddGuy

Indeed it is.

Hope you look for girls who share your views, then, otherwise you're just wasting everyone's time.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Hydelloon

If you know you are the type of person who gets easily jealous and don't forgive people easily, cheating would effect you more adversely than someone who is more laid back and open minded about sexual experimentation.

Eh? Sexual experimentation? I'm all in for trying different stuff, but I don't get why I should forgive someone who wants to experiment with other people. Your statement has no ground in my book.

Originally Posted by Hydelloon

Alice's final statement about security really struck a chord with me. Security in a relationship and in general doesn't come from other people or other factors but it comes from within. No doubt, cheating is a big deal but it will work to test your tolerance of emotional pain, capacity to change and the willingness to forgive. For those who haven't been cheated on (I'm assuming there are several of you in the thread), just know that until you experience it yourself it is quite a rude awakening. The values you once set for your relationships will change unless you were absolutely secure and confident to begin with.

For the record, I have been cheated on. I have to admit that forgiving is a circumstancial thing. If she would have told me right away and felt sorry about it it would have been one thing, I might have forgiven her, but she kept lying about it and it dragged on for quite a long time before she confessed. By that time, the relationship was already doomed so I decided to break it off. Since then, my values HAVE changed. I WAS a bit naive. Naive to think that it would work out in the end. I was insecure at that time and I kinda felt ashamed to talk about it, like it was my fault.
Luckily, my values have changed and I've gotten a lot stronger. I will not tolerate it if the same thing happens again. As I said before, life is too short to spend on assholes who cheat. If yo want to experiment, don't get into a relationship.

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